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Reviews for Kay-Larra

By : RyanneDeath

From on February 10, 2007
"OHH....oh my ballls..."

LOL... I've heard guys say a lot of things during sex, but never that...
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From ANON - Anon. on December 22, 2006
I hate people who can't accept criticism. And so what if you spent six months on a story? JK Rowling spent years and years developing Harry Potter, she got rejected several times, but she didn't throw a childish fit, did she?

Whatever, I'm late in reviewing this, and it's all been said and done, I just wanted to put my opinion in. Your lack of maturity just totally wrecked your story for me.
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From ANON - Ryanne on November 04, 2006

Im defensive because Im tired of being the only one that DOES get this kind of cirticism. You wanna know the truth? I didnt even WRITE this for Twiggy, I wrote it as a one off for another site. I decided to incorporate him later when I got stuck during "She Was the Only One". And do NOT go off about that one, I worked for over six months on it. I didnt WANT these to be about anything more than the needs of another race, and how that affects the humans they chose. Im not even attached to them overmuch. But I wont say that Im not proud of the eroticism that I chose to present. If I wanted to take it into deeper status, you wouldve known a hell of alot more about Jenna. I didnt WANT to, so I didnt do it. I was at work on another story where I did, so I chose that one for my "depth".

I go over my entire novel at least once every day. Im proud of it, its been in the works for over a year. I hope to post it here someday when its done, and although I spend so much time and thought on it, youll still find fault with it. What Im saying is tit for tat. If I have to accept your criticisms, then you have to aceept mine, and I dont see you doing that.

Oh and I know plenty of people who announce thier orgasms, I do, and alot of my partners have. I think its erotic to know just to know the breaking points. I just find it VERY hard to believe that theres nothing positive at all in what I do.

R
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From LePetitMort on November 03, 2006
I honestly cannot sit by and read through this without putting my own two cents in. I�m not going to critique your story, it�s already been done and quite valid points were made. My own personal opinion, don�t take the criticism as an attack. If you�re going to post your work, be prepared to hear what others think of it. Take the criticism in stride, try to keep it in mind when you begin to write again. In the end what matters is that you like your writing and you enjoy it, no matter how horrible it really may be. Writing should be something you love and enjoy doing, if you want to write just for fun - with bad grammar and general poor writing skills, then so be it. Just don�t post it in the public eye and not expect people to critique you. We�re simply trying to help you evolve and not be ignorant to how much better your work can be.

Further more, character development is something that must happen within a story. Especially if you�re writing about someone who you supposedly admire. You don�t want them to seem like a one dimensional, sex craving maniac. And that�s what this is bringing out. I love a good one shot as much as anyone else - plotless sex can be nice. But there still needs to be depth to the people/species involved. I can tell you wanted some sort of meaning within this story, even if it was just Twiggy kittens, whatever. You need to slow down and take your time with the plot and development. It�s just got to be there or the story is bland.

I could go on, but as I said - people have already told you where your weak points are. If I were you I�d be horribly grateful to receive criticism such as this. A lot of the time, you as an author can�t see where your flaws are and you need others to point it out for you. That�s what being done here, you�re just being too protective and stubborn to see it.

I do wish you good luck with your writing and hope that you take some of these comments to heart next time you sit down at your computer to write.
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From ANON - QoS on November 03, 2006
Actually, I don't really care what you think. Nessa, and La Petit Mort love it and those are really the only opinions I care about. I just found it hard to believe that you couldn't understand it.

I have an erotic thesaurus on my computer and here are some erotic words for erotic.

Erotic: amatory, amorous, aphrodisiac, carnal, earthy, erogenous, fervid, filthy, hot, impassioned, lascivious, lecherous, lewd, raw, romantic, rousing, salacious, seductive, sensual, sexual, spicy, steamy, stimulating, suggestive, titillating, venereal, voluptuous.

My main problem was all the �ooohhhs and ahhs I'm coming.� When was the last time you announced your orgasm. I know I don't. I can't think at that time. And I maybe a lesbian but I understand my characters and I think they have depth and I have many people that say they do. You characters seem pretty flat in only wanting sex. I might care more for this story if maybe Jenna or Vienna would explain more about culture and things they do in their daily routine.

We, as readers no nothing about these people or why the exist, it'd be nice to know, what they do, how do they hide from the public eye, simple things like that can greatly enhance the story. but you won't go back and ever change these things because you see your story as perfect when people clearly say they aren't.

People are entitled to there opinions but everyone needs to have an open mind when it comes to writing. Especially when it comes to there style and ideas for a story, but if the reader finds it boring then the author's job is to make it less boring so more people will read it.

I know by posting things on here I don�t want blind adoration although it�s great for the ego. I want people to tell me what to fix and how to improve. That�s why I post and if you take a step back and look at the reason you post, and it is to get ego strokes for being the best writer ever and you come back and one person gave you constructive criticism you attack them because they don�t bow down and worship your writing. Then your not on here for the right reason.

Ness is a tough customer and she is hard to make like your stories, she can adore the plot but if it takes double the time the story should then she will tell me to improve. That�s what I like a writer and I don�t see how you can�t appreciate her trying to help it seems very conceded and middle-school to me, but then again you and I are different.
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From ANON - Nessa on November 03, 2006
You're not listening to what we're saying. We're saying this story has nothing to it - including passion. It's not only the shitty grammar and punctuation that bothers us - it's the lack of character development and passion that makes it what it is - that being a waste of time.

Stop picking through what we've said. We're not just attacking it's technical errors - we're also commenting on it's lack of passion - it's lack of emotion that we get from it as the readers. You don't see what we see simply because it's your own work, and you think it's passionate because you have passion for it. We see no passion. It's not inspiring, it doesn't hit us. We may be mean - but at the same time we're trying to get you to convey what we see when you defend your story so vigorously - we're trying to get you to put that same heart into that story so that we can get out of it what you do.

But you're obviously stuck where you are - so I'm going to leave the conversation after this. You will just choose to ignore our pointers, and continue to write stories that the readers don't connect with. That's your choice. And it's your choice to drive readers away because it's not something they care about. Readers need to care about your characters to care about the story. That's something you don't seem to understand.

And just because a story is great on the technical side, does not mean it's always horrible on the plot and depth side - stop trying to defend your lack of knowledge on the technical side by saying that a story with great technical aspects leaves the reader snoring. Because it's not true. In fact, when the grammar is proper - the reader will like the story more because the sentences make more sense, and they don't have to re-read everything to understand it.
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From ANON - Ryanne on November 03, 2006

QoS, I dont see YOU taking on any criticism very well, in fact, you just laugh it off as "you dont get it".

I feel my charachters DO have depth, and I challenge you to proove where they dont. Yeah, I did this as a one off, and I didnt need to go into epic poetry to do it. I could do that, I find it boring. What words are erotic? Besides words that describe a lightbulb. Insidious, grandiose, indescernable, epic, how about haughty, despicable, blousy, snobbery?

The reason I dont take these criticisms are because Im not writing these for perfection in anything. If I wanted to do that, Id open up word and write a perfectly puncuated one off gauzy poem and call THAT passion. I dont want to. I want to write with power. And not power in that editorial way that makes watercolors into Monets, no matter how bad they are.

I love the men I write about, an respect them deeply. I put my own emotions, and my own ideas into the situations that I put them in, and Im sorry if its not poetic or noone gets raped. And dont argue depth with me, I simply dont believe you when you tell me my characters dont have it.

Ill make sure my next story is a barely engaging yawnfest with big words and perfect puncuation K?

R
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From ANON - Anon on November 03, 2006
The situation was what you wrote this for? Well either way, the situation was also horribly done. It appears that you put absolutely no thought into it. And if you don't want to get critiqued for the technicalities - don't post.

Simple enough, isn't it?

You remind me of a defensive thirteen year old with a napoleon complex.

Plus, you say incandescent had no point? This one shot has no real point. It's mindless sex. Which I don't really mind - don't assume I critique for just depth and grammar.

This story was the most boring, illiterate thing I've ever read - aside from stories with net speak.

At least incandescent had grammar and punctuation, symbolism - even interesting word choice going for it.

This story has nothing. No point, no plot, shitty paragraphs, bad punctuation, little to no character development, poor word choice, obvious lack of vocabulary, no interesting back story, nada.

Personally, I think you have potential - but you need a thesaurus and a grammar class. You need more character development, and definitely need to take more time with your stories.

If you truly love writing, you'd take the time needed to develop the skill, instead of slapping a few shitty euphemisms, a girl with a tail, and a beloved musician into what you call a story.

All I'm asking is that you take a few moments to re-read your stories and fix what makes them shit - it's not hard. It's what real writers do - proofread, edit, and use criticism constructively. Without that you're just wasting everyone's time.
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From ANON - QoS on November 03, 2006
Actually Incandescent did have a point, it was a poetic take on a relationship between pogo and Twiggy, when he was being abused, it actually said a lot if you read between the lines and looked through the symbols. One must understand symbolism to comprehend it.

By the way, grammar is essential in all forms of writing, grammar is what connects you to your readers. Grammar is the base of communication, and it's a pity you don't see that.

Were I if to this write you not will understand. It takes sometime, but without grammar in everyday we would all talk and sound like Yoda. Read your stories out load and tell me that they make perfect sense.

I don't want to argue with you, I'll let Nessa do it she is far better than I, it just irked me that you cannot look beyond the obvious and see beauty in truly powerful words. Your words do not inspire me, they are erotic words like:

Love meat and sausage of love.

Dictionaries and thesauruses are your friends as a writer and the fact that you do not wish to use them tells one something about your disposition. If I weren't so happy I just say 'bitch-boy' hump his upright bass I'd yell more, but unfortunately an hour long conversation with Hanson seems more appealing right about now.

-QoS

PS: She gave you constructive criticism and you chose not to improve no wonder you are heinous, you chose not to make yourself a better person. Pity Pity.
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From ANON - Ryanne on November 03, 2006

First, I dont WANT my novel published, Im doing it for ME. Grammer does NOT count in stories like these. Im not going to use word to make sure the story I wrote out of passion puts its periods in where they should be. Im taking you into the situation, not taking you to school.

Im defending my WORK, and I dont believe you HAVE to use proper grammer to write a good passion. Sorry if you couldnt see past it to enjoy it.

And Incandescent made no sense. It had no point, and was written with a veil of gauze over it that made it just an over romantic poem, not a story. And it was boring. You know what I hate in the fiction world....NO POINT! Make one.

I thought I also pointed out in the story that the RACE had been aroudnd for millions of years. Now who isnt reading?

Get over it Nessa, and go publish a perfect story with grammer and using a thesarus. I REFUSE to edit my stories, and I never will. Theyre written for the situation not puncuation. So fuck off.

R
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From ANON - Nessa on November 03, 2006
First of all Ryanne, spelling and grammar do count. How would you publish a novel with shitty grammar? I believe I heard somewhere that you are trying to write one, and no one is going to publish it unless you fix your grammar.

And I didn't read your story just to point out grammar mistakes.

And you didn't use powerful words, my dear, you used ahhh's and ohh's in your dialogue. A real writer doesn't have to do that. They use discriptive words like you did in your other "paragraphs" to describe the sounds they are making.

And I do write my own stories. In fact, I write original fiction, and therefore I have to develop my characters a hell of alot more than you could ever imagine.

If you were to pull out all the stops, the story would have a real plot, proper grammer and puncuation, and no run on sentences.

I'm sorry if you're used to blind adoration, but I'm sick of seeing fanfiction with no depth.

And I am sorry that I mistook your "race" for another species, but it seems to me that it was a furry.

I am not however sorry that you do not know how to use a thesarus or a comma.

And Ryanne, honey, you would not reply if you didn't care about my opinion. Even aknowledging I reviewed showed that you do care that I think.
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From ANON - QoS on November 03, 2006
I thought she was another species, I don't know of any race in existance that has litters or tails. . . Incandecent was alos a story about passion, and you mistentreperted it. Which is fine, each to there own. I have a problem with furries and so I had a problem with this story.

A good passionate word: Mourir. . .
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From ANON - Ryanne on November 02, 2006

Well,

Im glad you reviewed my story. Yes, I did put something in that I molded together. Id point out that the character of Jenna is of another RACE, not species, but it wouldnt hit home. I like to use powerful words, and I dont think theyre distracting at all. I dont NEED to use proper fucking grammer. You want that, you cross your Ts and dot your eyes. I pull out the stops, not muck around for 50 chapters saying nothing. I want to protray passion, and if youre reading a story concentrating on grammer and spelling, then I dont really care what you think, cuz youre reading it for the wrong reasons. Go write your own, and then well see. Otherwise, fuck off, cuz Im proud of everything I put on this site.

R

oh, and if you wanna step up...IM me.....saqarra_hp_2001 YIM - lateralus662002 AIM
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From ANON - Nessa on November 02, 2006
This story, insofar, is absolutely atrocious. Let me explain why.

#1 : In your dialogue, there is almost never a period when there needs to be one. Also, you need to learn proper use of a comma. You throw them in when the sentence needs to end, or, worse yet, don't use them where they should be.

#2 : The story is about furies. You bitch about bondage, and putting characters through what you claim, is abuse, but then you right a near trans-indentalist story with furies. I'm sorry, but bestiality is the worst abuse I could think of aside from golden showers and poop play.

#3 : Instead of writing out that they are screaming in an artistic way, you add obnoxious and distracting words into the dialogue.

#4 : You use alot of very long run on sentences.

#5 : If you use the word "pant" one more time I'm going to hammer you with a thesaurus.

Before you write another story please take a class on grammar. Also, I wouldn't mind if you would take a creative writing class. Anything to save this fanfiction world from your embarrassing crap.
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