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Reviews for Trust?

By : Need2ScreamNow
  • From ANON - Zippo Mother Lover on December 12, 2007
    Alright, luv.

    This story was very cute, I loved reading it. But I've noticed a few things about your... sexual scenes, hehe. :D

    First off, you forget to put complete sentences. I don't know if it's a style thing, like you do it on purpose, or if you just rush it a little bit since it makes you nervous, but...

    just take your time and read over it, then read it over again. You'll catch really small things your second or third time around, such as:

    'Zack sat up and pulled him into a slow kiss, Jimmy opened his mouth and let Zack explore at his leisure.'

    This sentence is incomplete. Your writing doesn't have to be perfect, but this unfinished sentence thing irks and confuses many readers. It should read:

    'When Zack sat up and pulled him into a slow kiss, Jimmy opened his mouth and let Zack explore at his leisure.'

    Or something of the sort. Also, you could simply use periods where you've placed your commas.

    Secondly- it seemed a tad bit rushed, luv. Like I said before, just take your time, don't get nervous or jittery. Write in unexpected details. Like, using the previous sentence, you could spice it up like this:

    'When Zack sat up -slowly, pulling- him into a slow kiss, Jimmy opened his mouth and let Zack explore at his leisure. -The tongue in his mouth was warm, tracing along his own in a sensual dance that caused Jimmy to moan loudly into Zack's mouth, his eyes slipping shut.- '

    It doesn't have to be anywhere near that elaborate, but adding a few words here and there to make the scene extra juicy wouldn't hurt. Of course, it takes time, but I find that it makes the story more enjoyable for our readers. If you get well known for having very... ah, *tasty* sex scenes, then they're more likely to be open to reading even more of your stories, and they'll review you with more than a few praises.

    As for the plot to this story- very very cute, as I've said. I loved reading it, and I hope my tips can help you. The best thing to do is just read back over it and try to practice with detail and grammar as much as possible. You've already got some major great plots, so you don't need any practice with them.

    I absolutely can't wait to read the next few chappies of 'Something in my Head'. I hope you have as much fun writing them as I will have reading them!

    Until next time, then.
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