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Reviews for Everlasting Love

By : InJeCtXmExSwEeTlY
  • From GatesVengeance on November 01, 2010
    i read this the other night and it made me giggle cause it was a little bit cute. i enjoyed it :)
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  • From Need2ScreamNow on September 13, 2010
    I liked it, but spacing out every line makes it hard to read. Paragraphs are a writer's best friend.
    Also, try not to start every sentence with a name, it makes the story read more like a movie script and disrupts the flow of the story. For example, instead of writing:
    Matt wiggled his eyebrows, " As always." Matt turned back around smiling and he licked over his lips.
    Zacky giggled quietly, pulling out a notebook to doodle on and pretend he was actually paying attention.
    Matt's head slowly starts drifting backwards and he jerked up again. He repeated this for a while before he leaned against the blackboard and gentle snoring starts up.
    Zacky snickered at this, eyeing Matt a moment before returning his attention to his notebook.

    You can do:
    Matt wiggled his eyebrows, "As always." He turned back around smiling and licked over his lips. Zacky giggled quietly, pulling out a notebook to doodle on and pretended he was atually paying attention. In minutes Matt's head slowly started driting back and he jerked up again. This happened for another few minutes before he leaned his head against the blackboard again and started snorting. Zacky snickered at this, eyeing the sleeping man a moment before returning his attention to his notebook.

    If you have problems thinking of ways to start sentences try to talk the story out, like you're telling a friend what happened.
    Watch your verb tense as well. In some sentences you have present and past tense verbs. "Matt's head slowly starts drifting backwards and he jerked up again. He repeated this for a while before he leaned against the blackboard and gentle snoring starts up."
    Again, it's easy to catch these if you read it outloud to yourself.

    The last thing I saw that took me out of the story was the use of brackets. "...Matt out a bit, biting into his[own] lip in anticipation."
    With the way you've written the story the reader knows he's biting his lip and not anyone else's. You do the same thing here: ...Matt a moment then turned to look out his[z] window.
    You don't have to put the [z] there to let us know Zack is looking out his window, he was the one the sentence was written around so, unless there is another name to contradict that, we know who is looking where.

    Oh, one more thing on verbs. Make sure you pick the right one. The English language is complex and there is always a word to fit the action. i.e. "Yay!" He mused.
    Mused doesn't fit the action here. To muse means to think something over, it's often used in a more serious manner. It's a quiet verb, if you will, it doesn't fit with exclamation points but with periods and question marks. A better verb could be; celebrated or even the phrase "Yay!" he thought delightedly.

    Okay, I think I'm done.
    I hope this helps with future writing :)
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