schedule
October 16, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I like the concept behind this. The story line is one that has promise and is intriguing. However, there are issues with the delivery that makes it somewhat difficult to read.
The spacing is the first thing I noticed. Because you didn't put two spaces between paragraphs, in many places it just looks like a giant wallotext that makes it hard to read as your eyes can't follow along with what is going on easily.
The second thing I noticed is that you tend to jumble all kinds of different people talking into one paragraph. Rule of thumb is that every time you change the person talking, you make a new paragraph. Same with changing points of view. Not doing that makes it hard to read and keep track of who is saying what.
A beta could most assuredly help you with these issues and others.
Overall, the fic has a good plot and potential. It just needs some shine and polish is all!
The spacing is the first thing I noticed. Because you didn't put two spaces between paragraphs, in many places it just looks like a giant wallotext that makes it hard to read as your eyes can't follow along with what is going on easily.
The second thing I noticed is that you tend to jumble all kinds of different people talking into one paragraph. Rule of thumb is that every time you change the person talking, you make a new paragraph. Same with changing points of view. Not doing that makes it hard to read and keep track of who is saying what.
A beta could most assuredly help you with these issues and others.
Overall, the fic has a good plot and potential. It just needs some shine and polish is all!