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Junkie's Love Story	By : lostmarbles Category: Casts RPF > Pirates of the Caribbean (all) > Pirates of the Caribbean (all) Views: 4742 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the people I am writing about in this fanfiction. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: Junkie’s Love Story

Author: Lydia Nightshade

Pairing: Keira Knightley/Orlando Bloom…I know I was shocked too!

Rating: R

Warnings: Mentions of substance abuse and implied heterosexual sex (nothing graphic sorry, not ready to cross that line yet), lots of mental angst

Disclaimer: I make no claims that these events happened, in fact I severely doubt they have or ever will. I love all three of these actors and mean no disrespect but this wouldn’t get outta my head! Forgive me!

Feedback: I thoroughly expect this fic to not be well received, but if you do like it I'd love to know it.

Beta: Mother dearest… made her cry lol!

Author’s Notes: Okay, this was originally going to be a Jack/Elizabeth thing, but then it just went wrong. It all started when I downloaded Varuca Salt: Breakup Song. It’s just one of those oddly romantic songs at least in my style and I had to write this. It’s Keira’s POV and it’s not a happy sappy romance.

Author’s Notes 2: speech “blah”; thoughts ‘blah’; flashbacks in italics; *~*~*~*~*~* passage of time. ~song lyrics~

Dedication: To anyone else that’s been down this lonely road of substance problems and broken dreams…lost love.

~I crawl out of sight for you, dear
I melt with the night…I disappear
I won’t have more fun with you
Never get drunk with you
I’ll let you go…for good~

It was the same thing everyday, the same aching, and all consuming nothingness that consumed my entire being. I couldn’t feel anymore. I was so alone. No one understood.

“How can you be upset? You have everything now, you’re career is just taking off!”

A bitter smile crossed my face. Yeah, everything is going good for me… then why do I feel like I’m dying? No… that’s wrong… already dead. They don’t see all the jealous glances I receive from my “friends” as I try and share my joy with them… all they do is make me feel like a spoiled brat. So I sit here… in the dark… with my rum… thinking of him. I never meant to hurt him… I swear I didn’t. I wanted to love him.

People ask how I can be so sad when I have everything… I ask them if they know how it feels to bust your ass to make something of yourself only to have your friends resent you for it.

It’s funny how it all started really… it’s always that way. One stupid decision in a moment of weakness and before you know it you’re falling like a weight to the bottom of the ocean. I had no one to confide in. Getting the role of Elizabeth was a dream come true! But it was also very scary… a major role in big budget movie acting against Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp… what if I fucked everything up? Geoffrey has an Oscar for crap’s sake! I just wanted to tell my friends my problems like every other teenage girl! Heh— they didn’t want to hear it. It became a second nature after that.

“Oh how are you doing Keira?” I smile and shrug.

“I’m fine! Just great!” I say lightly when I really want to scream: ‘Help me! I’m miserable and I don’t know why!’

“That’s good… Oh my god! You won’t believe the hellish day I had here in the real world!” a smug voice replies. ‘And you’ll never understand my pain…’

Could I really blame them? Wouldn’t I feel the same way? Didn’t I deserve their
condescension for being so blessed when their lives were so hard? My best friend stopped speaking to me. I was all alone. I just wanted to forget… just for a little while… a couple of hours… I swear that’s all I wanted.

Johnny was great. He seemed to understand me when everyone else had cast me out. I knew he had done a lot of drugs in the past… but I didn’t care… who was I to judge. I’d smoked a blunt or two in my day… I liked to drink… it was all in good fun… right?

Another depressing phone call to my best friend. She blew me off again… why? What was wrong with me? Why was she talking to everyone else but me? I had no one… so I spent my days reading scripts… then Johnny called.

“Hey, Keira! What are you doing?”

“Oh… nothing much… just spending some alone time…” I say with mock levity.

“Wow, sounds fun… hey I was going to go to the club tonight… want to come?” I pause.

‘It will get me out of the house…’

“Sure that sounds great!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Where are we going Johnny? The highway’s the other way,” I say confused as we pull up to a house in the shady part of town.

“Oh, I’m just picking up something… I’ve had a really tough week… I don’t normally do it… but I just need a little pick-me-up, know what I mean?” I smile and shake my head.

“I can imagine…” is all I mumble.

It all happened so fast… I didn’t even intend on doing anything that night… not even drinking! I didn’t do pills… that was for the junkie losers; the people that had no future…the addicts. I was strong… I could handle this depression on my own… I had all my life.

“What is that?” I ask innocently as Johnny bites the pill in half through a plastic bag.

“It’s an oxycontin, 80mg. I’m only having half, 80’s are really rare… they’re the strongest you can get.”

“What does it feel like?” I ask curious to anything that can take away the emptiness I feel. His hand appears in front of me with half a pill.

“Here… you wanna try it? It’s cool. You just feel really relaxed and… nice… like peaceful… it’s like heroin,” I stare at the pill.

‘Heroin?! That’s serious shit… but this isn’t heroin… it’s just a painkiller. How ironic… maybe it can kill my pain.’ I pop the half into my mouth.

‘Here’s to peace of mind,’ I think bitterly, ‘at least for a few hours’

*~*~*~*~*

I start sweating, but I don’t care. My eyelids are heavy and I know I look high, but none of that matters. I feel free! Everything is in a haze… a pleasant haze… no one can touch me here. Johnny smiles at me and we head to the dance floor. So many spinning lights and grinding bodies I feel like I’m lost in a music video. For the first time in my life I’m dancing like no one is watching and I don’t care! I twirl and run my hands over my body, throw cute guys lecherous smiles, I’m a goddess, they can’t hurt me now… I’m invincible.

We stop… Johnny needs water… so do I. We run into old friends and I feel ashamed for them to see me in this state… and at the same time I almost feel smug. I feel like daring them to say anything about ‘How could I do this’ so I can ask how could they abandon me?!

I can’t look them in the eye.

Now that I’ve stopped I feel sick. He warned me about the nausea. We move to the parking lot and sit for a while. He rubs my back and speaks soothingly, I almost feel like he cares… but he doesn’t… none of them do.

I should have just stopped then. The next day was horrible. Pill hangovers were like nothing I’d ever experienced. I never had a hangover from drinking… or at least nothing like this. I had to call off the set that day. I slept until 4:30 that afternoon.

‘Never again!’ I swore to myself… and I meant it. What a stupid fool.

It became a regular thing. The more I hung out with Johnny the more I realized, pills weren’t an occasional thing for him… he did it almost everyday. I wouldn’t end up like that, though. I just wanted to feel better for a little while… just for a little. I only did it when I didn’t have to be on the set the next day.

The numbness was so crushing. How ironic. I started popping pills to escape the numbness and the emptiness… but the more I did it… the more apathetic I became. My shinning moment was sitting on Johnny’s living room floor, high of course, as he lay on the sofa, his girlfriend giving him head. I didn’t care. I talked to him throughout the whole thing… made suggestions on how she should do it and make sure she remembered to play with his balls as well.

We were watching X-men and I remember thinking how much I felt like Rouge. Being unable to reach out to people, but desperately wanting to and the overwhelming sense of hopelessness for any kind of real love. I wanted to cry… but I couldn’t. I hadn’t done that in months… perhaps a year… why do it now?

It was all so fuzzy. Nothing mattered anymore. Then he came into my life. I had met Orlando before of course. We worked together almost everyday. But whenever we socialized outside of the set I was usually drunk because we were at parties. Then I heard he fancied me. I was so flattered! How could this beautiful creature want anything to do with me. I thought we’d make a perfect couple. He must have been a pill popper he was so skinny. Johnny arranged a party for us to meet and hangout, knowing this time that we liked each other.

“So what makes Keira tick? You seem very unique…I find that very attractive in a woman,” I blush and smile like a fangirl.

“I’m nothing special… I just know what I like and don’t care what others think,” I say shyly.

“Oh, come on now… let me inside… don’t put up those walls. Why do you have so many?”

“Necessity and instinct” I say sadly.

We talked for hours. I forgot about the party as I sat in his arms… feeling so safe. I liked him… I swear I did! I wanted to love him, but I was so afraid. I’d been hurt so many times… all by guys that were supposed to be sweet and innocent. Just like my precious Orli-bear.

I stare at my cell phone as it rings again. Sorry Johnny… not tonight. I’m drinking alone tonight… here in the dark… where I belong.

I remember the way Orlando kissed me, so sweet and tender. He said he could kiss me all night.

I thought, ‘Why? That would be so boring!’

Despite my efforts I still felt nothing. We were driving and he leaned over at a stop light to kiss me… said he’d been dying to do that all night. I had been watching the stop light the whole time.

I sigh and take another swig from my bottle of rum. I know it’s bad to drink alone… but I’m not alone… I have my pain to keep me company.

Orlando was always so sweet. Always calling me to talk, but I only half paid attention. I was watching TV. I had plenty of free time, but I wanted to go to Johnny’s house… Johnny had oxys… he always did. I didn’t want to hurt Orlando… I never did.

One night Johnny threw a party. Of course Orlando was there. He came up to me as soon as I entered the room, looked me over and complimented me. We wondered off to a secluded room. I closed the door and pushed him to the bed… oxy’s always made me horny, even though I couldn’t feel anything on them. More irony.

I don’t know how long it lasted… I could never tell time when high. He kissed me so tenderly and touched me in the most intimate places. I let him run his hands all over my body. I scratched my nails down his back and sucked on his lower lip. At some point we lost our clothes entirely. We moved together in perfect synchronicity… like we were meant to be together. But all the while I was faking it… just going through the motions and wondering when I could get back to the party.

I faked it because I didn’t want to hurt him… I never wanted to hurt him. After all, it wasn’t his fault I was dead inside. He pulled me close and spoke of romance and love. I thought about if I’d shaved my legs that night and where my underwear had gone. He wanted to talk about our relationship… I wanted another beer.

“Can’t I have a piece of your heart?” he asked sadly. I wanted to laugh, how could I give him a piece of something I no longer had? My heart was black, like that rolling stones song. Couldn’t he just except my night of feigned passion and move on? Isn’t that what everyone wanted?

“Why? So you can stomp on it like everyone else?” I say somewhat bitterly as I get dressed and storm out. I wanted to love him…I swear I did.

~I pulled it apart…for you…dear
I wait for my heart to shift…gear
I’ll never sleep…late with you
Never get baked with you
I’ll let u down…for good.~

But getting high seemed more important… it was safer. I’m sure you think that sounds insane, but not to me. So what if my physical body died? For so many years I had feared death… until I finally realized something… I was dead already. After that nothing seemed to matter. But I was not going to get hurt again… I’d loved and lost. It was a pain even worse than the loneliness I felt.

Being on a movie set can give a person a lot of time to think. I started planning my funeral and just for shits and giggles, picked up smoking. I loved the lightheaded feel I got from them… held me over until I could get more oxy’s. I hated seeing him. He seemed to be able to see right through me… to know everything about me somehow. He could call my every move. I would never admit it, but I feared him.

I feared everything Orlando represented, the possibility of falling in love and leaving my protective haze. He still called me regularly, even after our last encounter when my “walls” as he called them sprang back up in full force. God help me, a part of me wanted him to succeed. To finally burst through all my defenses and force me to feel again, but I knew he wouldn’t. I was a master at this. But I never wanted to hurt him.

I tried to introduce him to my new world. He frowned at me and shook his head. I remember the look of concern on his face so well…

“You shouldn’t mess with those things Keira. I’ve known lots of people that have done them—they never go anywhere in life. They end up stuck in their pathetic lives and working to support their habit,” he’d said with scorn.

“I’m not addicted! I’m just having some fun!” I had insisted, but he wasn’t convinced by my lie… Orlando never was—not my Orli-bear.

“Yeah… /yet/! I’ve heard that from everyone! You’ve already started snorting it! What’s to stop you from going to higher drugs?! This is practically heroin!”

I remember I got angry with that. Who was he to tell me what to do? He’d stepped into my life for a few months and he thought he knew me? He had no idea what it was like!

“Do you think I like this?! Do you think I like waking up feeling like crap every time I take one?!”

“Then why do it?!”

“Because I always feel like crap! I don’t sleep! I can’t concentrate! I have no one to talk to! I can’t feel! I’m like a fucking character in this bloody movie! I just want to escape that! Just for a few hours! Why are you punishing me for that?!”

I had screamed at him, never wanting to cry more in my life, but I just couldn’t… I never cried anymore. Orlando didn’t understand. He gave me the number to a center for psychology. I thought he must have been joking. I called him an idiot and swore he didn’t know what he was talking about. I certainly wasn’t worth worrying over.

He tried to hold me but I pushed him away. Called him weak and said he sickened me. I screamed at him, everything I had been saying to the mirror for months now. He left with tears in his eyes. I felt something that must have been a pinch of guilt, but I couldn’t tell and I didn’t care enough to ponder it. I never wanted to hurt him… I wanted to love him… but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t.

And now I sit. Drinking away my sorrows listening to depressing music and musing over the past year of my life, thumbing the card in my hands. It’s the one Orlando gave me for the center. I miss Orlando… his gentle touches and heartwarming smile. We haven’t talked in five months. I haven’t spoken to Johnny in a month. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist temptation if I went to his house.

I look at a picture on my coffee table; it’s Orlando and me. I’m high in it and he’s pretending not to notice, but we’re both smiling. Then it hits me… He really does love me! He always did, he’s just waiting for me to be ready. It was always /me/ that was hurting us.

I take another swig, grimacing and throwing the bottle away. As I comeback into my living room, I’m still holding the card. I sit back on the sofa and sigh. I take a deep breath and reach a shaky hand for the phone and dial the number on the card. I’m ready, Orlando… I’m finally ready to love you. I’m ready to feel again. I’m ready to live again. To my astonishment a drop of moisture hits my hand… I’m crying!

I’m finally crying…

~I’ll never go back to you
Never shoot smack with you
I’ll let you go…for good
I’ll let you go…for good
I’ll let you go…~

~The End~

This was something I wrote a long time ago as a catharsis for my entering therapy and finally getting help for some things that were going wrong in my life. I know it’s not Pulitzer Prize worthy and I know there were many holes in it for time lines and such… the biggest one being that Orlando and Keira wouldn’t have hooked up no matter what because Orli was already supposedly dating Kate at the time. I didn’t know about it when I wrote this though, but I’d prefer to think of Orlando secretly dating Viggo anyway! *wig*

Silly rabbit! Tricks are for kids!
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