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Tsuki Wa Ore No Sayonara	By : Niichan Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Crossovers Views: 1898 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own or represent any of these celebrities. I make no profit from this, nor do I claim anything herein as the truth. It is purely fictional.

Chapter List
- 1-Tsuki Wa Ore No Sayonara
- 1
Red strobe lights; the wall was hard against his back, the material of his boots crushed painfully behind his knees. Gackt’s perfume was an overwhelming cloud over his senses and he clung to the thin shoulders and shuddered as he felt a hand push between them, groping him almost roughly.
“Door…” he huffed, worrying about his band mates from somewhere at the back of his head. On the other side of the wall he could almost hear Toshiya laughing. He hissed as he was ignored and Gackt pushed him further back the wall, lifting him there with the mere force of his thrusts – it stung fiercely and he bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. Gackt’s other hand was preoccupied with his face, incessantly pushing the strands away from between their mouths as he crushed them together, searching further inside him. Already he could feel something along his veins build up and jolt at the nerves across his spine. Gackt was gasping something into his ear.
“N-no one else’s… Kimi wa boku no.”
He nodded dumbly, feeling the hard body slam against him, hardness pushing further up between his thighs in shorter, quicker strokes. Gackt’s hand still readily pumped once, twice over his length as he came; he wanted to say something, to answer, but he was panting too heavily and his throat felt dry and painful. He let Gackt hold him in place for a few more moments, kissed his lips once more.
They held each other then, as much as they could, their bodies pressed as closely as possible; Kaoru felt his heart pounding with the bass reverberating all throughout the auditorium and tried to grab Gackt’s wrist, at his watch. Gackt eased out of him and let out a strained gasp; he moved away in one fluid movement and Kaoru slid to the floor, his shirt falling down both sides of his shoulders.
Gackt simply zipped up his pants – there hadn’t been time to undress. “I have to leave,” he told him after a few moments, sounding almost kind, but tense, somewhat restrained. He offered a hand; Kaoru was rubbing at his own forearm, refusing to take it.
“Kaoru…”
Kaoru looked up and saw Gackt walking away; he clutched the side of his head, trying in vain to pull himself together. Dir en Grey was due on stage in about fifteen minutes. His opaque tights hung in shreds by his ankles and his skirt crowded high up his waist, the first few buttons of his shirt missing. Half of his make-up had smeared onto the front of Gackt’s bare chest. Outside he saw You calmly standing guard by the door, handing Gackt a towel.
/Fuck./ Kaoru could finally glance at his own watch. Make that five minutes. He made an effort to stand up, wincing as he felt something warm trickling down his left thigh. He limped towards the slice of light entering the small room where the rest of GacktJOB had been waiting, pulling down his skirt. Backstage crew were running everywhere. He peered into the next door and hesitated for a moment before deciding that there was nothing more he could do.
Kaoru staggered inside the door that said ‘Dir en Grey’, Shinya already on his way out. He couldn’t help it; he fell to his arms.
“K-kaoru?” Shinya looked at him in shock, arms tightening around him. Then he screamed. “Senpai! Doushite?!?”
/Shinya, don’t make a fuss…/ Kaoru swallowed hard, feeling nausea hit him hard and he doubled over, dampness starting to chill at the line of his throat, his vision going out after series of flashing images: the fabric of Shinya’s furry jacket, bright light, a pair of arms, black-stained lips hovering over his face. He let out a groan as he felt himself collapse and Shinya had disappeared completely, his cries dulling to a low buzz, quickly, painfully turning into nothingness.

/Shinya… don’t call the others…/
Darkness opened to two figures huddled on the floor, sharing a blanket. A boy in his teens with bottle-dyed pink hair falling to his shoulders sat in front of another one, quite older, with dark hair and clear, porcelain skin, hands moving under the blankets. Kaoru wondered at first upon seeing them before he shuddered, recognizing their young faces, something in him aching at seeing the intimacy they shared. This was one of the most common memories that drifted to him more and more often these days – his room from many years back, and Gackt, for the first time, touching him this way. It made him confused at first, seeing all this.
Kaoru remembered then, about passing out. He saw Gackt whisper something and it made him pull back quickly, lest he remember what it was, rushing to awareness. Where was he? In the studio, yes? Or was it a concert hall? Did someone bring him to their dressing room?
He must have hit the floor. No, wait, Shinya would be able to support him… but the drummer had vanished for good it seemed, just like… Camui Gackt. The one who touched him so lovingly, like someone was touching him so lovingly right now. After blanking out so suddenly, shutting down for a couple of hours, Kaoru felt something again.
/Shinya? Is that you?/
Soft hands. Gentle fingers felt both cool and soothing over his cheeks, pulling strands off his face as he tried to open his eyes. He could smell something linger over his face and knew who it was so near him, touching him so intimately in his sleep. He did open his eyes; he started coughing.
Sweet almond oil… Kaoru blinked a couple of times into the darkness and drew breath, inhaling slowly. It smelt, he smelt almost feminine; by his bedside Die was smiling at him, saying something. Making a joke maybe. He leaned in to run a hand over Kaoru’s hair once more and Kaoru was duly grateful, for the concern, and for Die always smelling so wonderful. He paused for a moment to take in his surroundings.
“You fucking scared us, Kaoru. You should have seen Shinya’s face.” Die’s voice was faintly amused, but soft. Kaoru offered a small smile.
He wasn’t in his own apartment. He pulled at the covers to his chin and saw the pinstripes on the sheets - yes, yes, of course, Kyo’s; Die had mentioned his name earlier. “Where’s Kyo?” he asked, seeing that Die was alone.
“Outside, kitchen. Everyone else is watching TV.”
Kaoru scratched his head and sat up, noting that he was wearing the clothes he had on before their live. “Minna?”
Die nodded, chuckling at him. “Don’t fret; no one has anything to do, that’s why.”
“Un.” They would be worried. Kaoru frowned as he remembered the night past, eyeing his watch; it was after eleven - they missed their live completely. He looked at Die cautiously and wondered what the other man was thinking. He knew he had been bleeding from, well, a suspicious place. They were quiet and he almost jerked back when Die stood up hastily.
“I should call Kyo.” Die pointed to the door with broad hand movements, grinning at him sheepishly. “He’ll be glad to see you awake.” Kaoru nodded and thought how adorable Die was, how lucky his wife would be someday; Die was lounging comfortably in his boxers and a loose shirt and he knew there was an impromptu sleepover, the next eldest to him prompting the others into some drinking game later on. He laughed, despite being by himself.
Kyo’s apartment, was it? Kaoru searched for his picture, the one where he was holding hands with Shinya for some forgotten reason, and found it framed and set on one of the bookshelves. Beside it was another frame, a new one, of someone who seemed familiar, but he couldn’t quite recognize him from afar. Near him an extra pair of house slippers caught his attention. Was Kyo was seeing someone these days?

In a minute a blonde head poked into the room and all his observations settled back.
Kyo shuffled inside, smirking at him midway and looking down consciously, reaching to shuffle his hair and sitting on the bed beside him. They sat for a while and Kaoru let Kyo play with the strands of his hair - being the only one left with long hair in the band everyone seemed to enjoy touching his. His throat felt dry and he reached for the bed table where Die had left him a glass of water; mid-movement Kyo caught him in his arms and pulled him almost roughly to his chest.
“Three weeks, Kaachan,” Kyo murmurred, and he felt rather than heard Kyo laughing against him, slightly teasing. Kyo’s fingers curved over both his cheeks and they were face to face; Kaoru felt guilty sitting so close to him, with Kyo next to naked in his white boxers, thin but well-built shoulders trying to enclose his own narrow chest. Kyo knew about Yokohama, about running into Camui Gackt a couple of weeks ago, about Gackt pulling him into his car. Niimura Tooru was, after all, once in love with Kaoru; he remembered how over seven, eight years ago Gackt had made it into Malice Mizer and after two or so years Kaoru had come running into Kyo’s arms, wng tng to hate Gackt, to despise their very relationship. He was in his early twenties then, both him and Kyo, and they were struggling with La Sadies. Gackt had, before that, being an old neighbor, been letting him stay in his apartment as they were still strapped for cash as a band during those days. “Tell me,” Kyo asked.
“Gackt.” Kaoru said the name and nearly shuddered. He was the strange boy who lived across the street, and Kaoru remembered watching the slightly older boy as he went to his house almost everyday, Gackt teaching him to play the guitar. He didn’t seem to have any other friends; Kaoru remembered well how odd it seemed to him, the tall, striking niisan Gackt was to him, telling him that he didn’t have a girlfriend. He didn’t remember how it started, but he did so many other times, Gackt moving into his own place, eventually asking him to move in with him, Gackt’s arms holding him all night, Gackt having no one else.
Because Gackt had said about himself, so many years ago as they were pressed to each other for warmth and comfort, that he was very, very different from everyone else and didn’t belong in this world. But that he felt Kaoru belonged to him and it made him feel complete.
Kyo was barely blinking, eyes bright in the shadows. “How many times have you seen him these days?”
“Four times,” Kaoru readily answered. Since Malice Mizer went major they never saw each other, only perhaps in such large events, but never actually meeting. It was almost disturbing how after running into Gackt just this month he saw him again the next week, in Yoshiki’s office. Two days ago Gackt simply knocked on his hotel room door. And a few hours back while he was talking to some of the crew…
“Did you talk? About… anything?”

“No.” Kaoru nearly laughed; he felt a little lightheaded. “We did it in his car, in the studio. In our hotel, with Shinya and Totchi eating room service right next door.” He didn’t add the last time – of course Kyo knew. He was all dolled-up and minding his own business when Gackt came from his music stage and grabbed his wrist and dragged him into a small dressing room, readily taking him against the wall.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Kao?” Kyo wasn’t even angry; the words sounded strange in his tone of voice, like he was asking about the weather.
Six years, he wanted to say. “It’s been so long. I’ve been avoiding him all these years. But three weeks ago…” His voice trailed off and we wondered why he had a hard time saying it. Kyo’s room hinted faintly of cigarette smoke and he wanted badly to light up. “It’s just sex. I just thought, why not? It’s still him, there’s been no one else. It’s nothing we haven’t done.”
“Kaoru…”
“I don’t know, I haven’t been thinking about it.” Kaoru leaned back, feeling odd in Kyo’s arms now. The past seemed so unreal, the story between him and the ever-winsome “Gackt”, of all people. “Living with Gackt for a couple of years, suddenly seeing him so popular, losing my place with him. What the hell, I said, I’m leaving. He never even asked me why.” He stared at Kyo’s eyes – really, he could never say such words to anyone else. But Kyo wrote lyrics that pierced through people; Kaoru could talk to him this way and Kyo would not find it unusual at all. “And I thought recently, sitting in his car and seeing him at a loss for words, feeling a need to touch him and knowing he wanted to take me. And that he didn’t know what it really was that made me… go, at the time. What the hell, I thought.”
“Those words will be the death of you, one day,” Kyo shifted, lying on his back over his legs. He was sprawled carelessly before him and looked so pale against the blue sheets even in the darkness of the room. “What if he comes to you again? Doesn’t he even say shit? Konnichiwa, Kaoru, I missed you…?”
“We never talked about us, in that way. We lived together and slept together, played instruments, wrote songs. There wasn’t a ‘start’, so it’s almost like…”
Kaoru caught himself, about to blurt the words out. He felt the rims of his eyes suddenly stinging and Kyo looked at him, sitting up. To Kyo alone he could admit this. “Like it never ended.”
Kyo looked serious, almost wistful. “Wakatta.”
He was about to say something more when he yawned, and he rubbed a palm over his forearm consciously, in a defensive gesture. He felt rather tired and suddenly forgot what else there was to say. “That pretty much sums it up.”
“Do you think…” Kyo stood up to leave. “Do you think it’s the same for him?”
“Betsuni,” Kaoru quickly replied. He didn’t want to think of it yet, maybe tomorrow. He pulled the covers down. “You turning in?”
Kyo looked like he still wanted to ask something, but predictably he shrugged it off. “In a while. Totchi brought a bottle of sake. You coming?”
Kaoru shook his head. He considered it for a while, thinking of at least showing up, of how worried Shinya probably was and apologizing to the drummer. But his back felt heavy and he wanted to sleep; he shook his head a second time towards Kyo’s retreating form. All things considered Die would probably volunteer to sleep in the sofa and Toshiya and Shinya would take the sole guestroom. He called to Kyo before the door closed.
“Mm?” Kyo peeked from the slice of light coming from the hallways.
“Omae,” Kaoru closed his eyes and pulled Kyo’s sheets to his chin. “Come back and sleep in your own bed later.” He moved to his right to emphasize the space beside him.
“Un.”
Kyo disappeared and came back again, and he slept for the rest of the night and many more nights after that soundly beside him. Days passed and traveling was the norm, backstage Polaroid shots, ambush interviews, changing studios. Most of them were in high spirits though, especially Toshiya, who was in love with one Terachi Shinya. It made for romantic trips for the two, Die caught in the blissful mood most times. Kyo made the most of the situation and threw himself at Die, straddling him, rubbing against and even kissing the good-natured guitarist, who laughed a little shyly and went on to teasingly complain to Kaoru later in front of everyone else.
Kaoru would laugh, shaking his head. It wasn’t often that his band mates were so rowdy; most times they were too tired. Like tonight. Niikura Kaoru eyed Kyo’s pouting face, so much younger without make-up, nearly smirking at what he was wearing. What *they* were wearing, perhaps; Kaoru pulled his knee length jacket close to block the air-conditioning for the umpteenth time, hardly self-conscious that he was wearing dark pink pajamas inside. As long as his legs weren’t exposed, like Kyo’s, he thought himself all right.
“Dai-dai complains when he doesn’t like the flavors,” Kyo drawled, waving two boxes in the air in front of Kaoru’s face. One read ‘mango-bananarama craze’ while the other said ‘raspberry-coconut-cream relish’ – both of which he had no idea about the taste. He scratched the back of his head and pointed at Die approaching.
“Why don’t you asm?” m?”
Kyo threw both packages into Kaoru’s basket, scooting by his side. He ignored Die. “He doesn’t know the flavors either. But he’s bound to eat more than all of us combined and then complain anyhow.”
“Oh.” Kaoru tried to free a bag of chips that had gotten squished by the boxes. “Are you gonna pay for these?” He asked warily, noticing that Kyo wasn’t carrying a basket. Actually he already knew the answer.
Kyo coughed. “I couldn’t find my wallet in the van. Do you think…?” Already Kyo was by his side, looking awkward while pleading but doing so quite well in his blue trench coat.
Kaoru shrugged; he was the only one who probably wouldn’t grab one of the ice-pops and yet he was paying for them. He sighed and received a grin from Kyo in return. It was almost midnight anyway – their little pre-meal photo shoot had been extended and they had been delayed a good two hours, making them miss dinner altogether; Kaoru had simply allowed them this quick stop to grab whatever was available that they’d like to eat. Hardly anyone was in the twenty-four hour mini-mart to see them.
“Is Kaoru-senpai getting used to it?”
Kaoru and Kyo glanced behind them where Shinya had emerged, looking about ten years younger in a red shirt and incredibly short denim cutoffs, as they walked towards the juice stations. Kyo was about to retort when he caught sight of what Shinya clutched so dearly to his t. Ht. He and Kaoru both sweatdropped.

/Meiji. Mushroom shaped chocolates. Meiji. Blueberry Chocolate stick people. Meiji. Black chocolate. Meji. Green tea chocolate blocks. Meiji. Chocolate-covered animal crackers. Meiji. Choco Baby. Meiji. Marshmallow and chocolate strawberry pellets. Meiji. Chocolate coated Macadamia…/
Shinya smiled shyly at their expressions. “Shhh… Don’t tell Di…”
One white hand reached out to grab at the red collar and Terachi Shinya was promptly hauled backwards, the waifish drummer looking back in surprise. He frowned at his captor and tried to twist his way free.
“Senpai, dame da!” He attempted to turn and face the guitarist, who was not in the least bit intimidated. Die was currently more preoccupied with the growing bundle in Shinya’s arms, a few pieces falling down as he thrashed in the air.
Die shook him slightly to hold still. “You were saying?” Die asked sternly, gripping at Shinya’s belt with his other hand lest he slip and Shinya crashed forward. Shinya blinked at him and held the chocolates tighter in his arms. He pouted guiltily, embarrassed at being caught; Kaoru grabbed Kyo’s hand and pulled him into another aisle before he said something ecchi.
“Douka,” Shinya huffed in his soft, honeyed tone of voice, so mellifluous even though he was supposedly annoyed, and shifted all his weight to the right - using the leverage to land a swift kick at Die’s shin seeing that Die was about to pry away his prospective purchases. He was released with a yelp and he crawled hastily as he collected everything he dropped earlier. Die sputtered, clutching at his injured knee in disbelief as he watched Shinya scoot towards the dairy products lane, running straight to Toshiya’s shelter; the drummer clung to the front of Toshiya’s loose shirt like a lifeline, depositing the chocolates into his cart. Toshiya looked at him warily.
“Die’s bullying me again!” Shinya announced meekly, pointing at Die stalking him with a chocolate bar. He blinked up at Toshiya, eyes wide and appealing. “I can buy these, can’t I? Ne?”
“Shinya! You’ll get sick if you eat all that!” Die crossed his arms, seeing that Toshiya was eyeing his lover fondly and ignoring him; he tried to reason with Toshiya in his most rational tone – that is, as sensible as he could manage with his shin smarting. “Come on, Toshiya, you know howll ell eat all of that in one sitting.”
Toshiya shook his head, reaching for the deluge of sweets that crowded his grocery cart. “Die’s right, Shinya. It’ll waste all your efforts on being healthy.”
Shinya’s eyes turned watery. “Demo…”
“NO!” Die impatiently scooped out most of Shinya’s stash himself and headed the other direction. Shinya went to chase him but Toshiya disallowed him firmly, handing him some tofu packets instead – Toshiya’d been showing a growing interest in making home-cooked meals recently and packaging them as bento for his younger lover. Shinya looked at him sadly.
“Don’t worry,” Toshiya pulled Shinya nearer and kissed his forehead briskly, risking making tabloid headlines. “You can get them back later. But only two pieces, okay?”
Shinya nodded shyly. “Un.”
Toshiya clasped their fingers and they walked hand-in-hand towards the next lane. He was so tired already; Kyo had been such a bastard the entire trip, teasing Shinya and trying to kiss him. He couldn’t sleep lest the vocalist grope his sweet koi. About twice he had almost punched him.
Not that, Toshiya mused, he really distrusted Kyo – he had always been very nice to Shinya, relatively very affectionate; despite his image Kyo was pretty composed in person, surprisingly polite, and mostly warm, the only one who often called them with pet names all the time. He even made the nicknames himself; Kyo was unintentionally sweet in that manner. Only he just seemed so… tense, these days; it was hard to know what to expect of him. He hadn’t skipped practice anytime lately – that in itself was beyond unusual. And since Kaoru passed-out two weeks ago Kyo seemed to lose it – he was so boisterous, running around, teasing everyone, talking even to strangers. Again despite his onstage persona the vocalist was usually quiet and composed in private, opting for one-on-one conversat. An. And Kaoru…
Kaoru… Toshiya saw the long-haired guitarist not far from them, looking around. He had his own suspicions on what happened – they all did - but decided not to ask. Shinya had been so worried, slipping out late at night and crying in the bathroom when he thought him asleep. When he returned Toshiya felt the need to hold him so close Shinya made a sound of protest, feeling a little embarrassed at being caught. Kaoru was so important to them. Seeing him so vulnerable had been more than a shock.
“Kaoru?” He called him; Kaoru’s head snapped towards his direction and he jogged towards them, his face flushed.
“Listen, Toshiya,” Kaoru opened his wallet, pulling out a couple of hundred yen. “I need a favor. Pay for these, will you?” He handed the bills to Shinya when Toshiya simply raised a brow at his request, waiting for an explanation. Kaoru fidgeted slightly before reaching to clasp Toshiya’s shoulder, dropping his grocery basket on the floor. “I have to run. Tell Kyo not to worry, ne?”
“SenpaShinShinya was looking at him anxiously.
Kaoru smiled forcibly; he didn’t want to worry Shinya as well. “I…”
“Kaoru, look,” Toshiya started, distracted by the person pacing around behind him; he recognized him right away. He patted Kaoru’s hand to look back. “Isn’t that Gakuto-san?”
Kaoru hissed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that he fled towards the entrance, hoping he wouldn’t run into Die or Kyo, who he last saw booking through his cell phone for airline tickets for a friend, or Masa, who seemed to be hanging a great deal more around his former employer than he let the media on; purposefully he stooped between lanes. He almost gasped when he saw the figure standing near the exit. Gackt had decided to wait for him there.

He wondered if he could still run and hide among the bento selection area instead. And so he tried, nearly tripping as he turned on his heels.
Gac voi voice wasn’t very loud but it almost jolted him. “Kaoru!”
He stopped. It felt silly running away now that they were only a few feet apart. He looked at Gackt, the man so well-dressed even at that time of the night, watched him remove his glasses and walk towards him. With his expensive looking suit, neat, parted hair and graceful demeanor he knew Gackt stood in blatant contrast to his own sloppy traveling clothes; he felt even sillier with the thought that it was this man who was chasing him across the store and not the other way around.
When they were face-to-face he knew the girl at the counter was watching. He wasn’t so easy to recognize dressed so casually but Gackt’s presence shone like a beacon. “Why did you run?” Gackt asked, his voice deep and calm, his eyes dark. He wasn’t wearing contacts. Last he saw him his eyes had been a glowing blue.
“Let’s… let’s talk somewhere else.” Kaoru inserted his hands in his coat pockets and headed briskly out the door, walking past Gackt; Kyo’s kind words from many nights past drifted to him as he left his Dir en Grey in the grocery, knowing how the man would worry, how he’d get upset at Toshiya for not stopping him. Footfalls lightly formed behind him and Kaoru ignored the sensation of having Gackt so close. Instead he counted his options; he could go straight to his room, or he could take Gackt to the hotel coffee shop and talk to him there…
With the hotel just across the street he felt the pressure double once he stepped inside, the guards bowing at him. Platinum Egoiste, vigorous movement, a hand that stroked his hair like a cat while he drifted to his dreams - suddenly the thought of being alone with Gackt became menacing; he turned right away towards the coffee shop.
Almost as if… As if they were really going to just talk. Kaoru sat down on the plush beige chair and reminded himself of two weeks worth of pondering. Each time he saw Gackt their couplings became more and more urgent; it was like pushing and pulling in the darkness, harder and harder each time. And two weeks ago Gackt had said…
*N-no one else’s… Kimi wa boku no.*
“Blue,” Gackt told the waiter. Vodka Blue. Kaoru nearly shivered as their eyes met; sorely he wished Gackt was wearing his contacts. For most people who wore them it made their eyes pop out, like an accessory, but for Gackt it was the opposite. Having the man look at him without contacts felt as if it was only now that he was really looking straight at him, the burnished brown of his irises smoldering – you’d almost think he wore contacts to hold back the intensity of his stare.
Their drinks arrived and they remained quiet; Gackt had ordered the same thing for him. Why did you run, he was asked earlier. The answer hung between them and Kaoru simply reached for it, for the words to form, wanting also for Gackt to stop looking at him so intently.
“If you fuck me one more time,” Kaoru nearly winced, frowning at his own choice of words. Fuck. Me. It just came out. “I’d have to ask why.”
Gackt stared at him, the question lost. “Kaoru?”
“Look,” Kaoru drank from his glass, careful not to just down everything in one go. My body is starting to need you. “Why? I’ll ask anyway.”
Gackt had finished his drink that soon. His tan from last time had faded; he looked deathly pale in his black suit. Both of them, in fact, did so, pale skin on pale skin in the shadows, in an ocean of inky sheets. “Why what? Why you?”
“Or…” Gackt’s hand fell swiftly over his, grasping his wrists. It was so unexpected Kaoru had to pause and think before he felt embarrassed by the gesture; with the way Gackt held him so intimately it was so easy for Gackt to own him like this. “Why this?”
“Just answer, ahou.” Kaoru pulled his arm free, spitting out the words, feeling them hover stupidly over his attempt to show Gackt any less than respect. He didn’t know what he was asking; instead he had hoped Gackt would. Having him grip him like that felt so much like possession.
Gackt was calm, his smile warm even as Kaoru sat there refusing to look at him, studying him as he often did for the past few weeks. This man, who was the first man in lifelife, the man who taught him about wanting – about *wanting* – other men in a way that there seemed to be no other way. This man was studying him.
“Was there someone else?” Gackt asked, with the certainty that if there was, there *was* and not until the present. Kaoru didn’t catch the implication and instead felt insulted, at the implication that Kaoru could never replace him. He wanted to say that he had slept with Kyo, at least he’d almost, a few years back. That Toshiya had kissed him sometime before he got together with Shinya, that he felt himself weaken and melt to the bassist’s touch, that Toshiya’s hard body was so real against his. He wanted to say that he envied Die’s girlfriends, that he enjoyed receiving fan service from Die the most, that Die trusted him so much that they sometimes slept together in the same bed. He wanted to say that he was Shinya’s first kiss, that he would do virtually anything to make the shy drummer smile.
He wanted to say that Dir en Grey was his life now, just as Malice Mizer became Gackt’s life then. He was okay. He had outgrown his need for Gackt. Strangely as he was thinking these thought he shook his head, a name crossing his mind. Gackt’s real name, the name Kaoru used to know.
Gackt was reaching for his hand again but before he touched him an image crossed his mind, of Mana knocking at their front door at midnight, of Kozi’s overnight parties, of Kamilingling Gackt by his real name, too. And again of Mana, that same midnight, straddling him – because what was Gackt’s was also his. Kaoru snapped. “Six fucking years, Gackt. Where were you?” He felt the blood rush to his cheeks, his voice barely controlled. The moment the words left his mouth he felt so angry for saying them – they were… they had to be outright lies. Gackt meant nothing to him, he didn’t care where he was all that time. Why was he asking this?

They were volleying questions and nothing had been answered. “You left, Kaoru.” Gackt took a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket, retrieving a lighter from his trousers. He lit up and offered the pack to Kaoru, who despite his anger took one. He inhaled deeply and blew towards Kaoru’s direction; the smoke drifted between them and he leaned back, waiting for it to fade. “I think the question is, where were you?”
“Don’t give me that.” Kaoru was calmer, speaking softly. The light from the tip of Gackt’s cigarette caught his eye and he felt drawn to it, wanting to light his cigarette against it, to have that face so near. Already his hand was in his pocket, taking his own lighter, refusing to give in. “You wanted me out. It was over.”
“Then why do you ask where I was?”
“Curious,” Kaoru answered after a while, lying through his teeth. He felt stupid for doing so and decided to add a little truth to his words, not really knowing why he still had to lie. This was probably the last time he would be talking to Gackt; he could get his answers now or never, then walk away. “I ran because I wondered if this time, you would chase after me.”
The look on Gackt’s face was unreadable, but simply at the change, to have that kind of reaction - for Kaoru it was invaluable. Something ached in him to see it. Gackt made a small sound, a huff of air, and he sat there staring at him. Kaoru felt his cheeks warming up again. He had said the words so plainly he wondered why he did so. Did he even really think that way when he ran earlier? It now seemed so.
“And I did.” Gackt finally spoke; he held up his hand and asked for the bill. “I’ve been doing so for over a month; it’s not incidental that I’m doing a photo shoot in this city.”
Kaoru almost let out a sigh of relief. The thought crossed his mind. For some reason hearing Gackt admit to this made something swell in his chest.
“Come with me upstairs, Kaoru.” Gackt had paid and they were on their way to the elevators. “We’ll talk more, in earnest.”
“Un.” Kaoru decided he wanted to talk more even though he was tired. He had yet to visit his own room; no doubt his things were in Kyo’s care right now. He felt oddly comfortable with the man he had tried to loathe for six years; it was surreal. When they had entered Gackt’s room for a moment he thought they would jump in each other’s arms, the bed so inviting as he sat down. Gackt was so near him, their knees touching.

“Kaoru,” Gackt was talking so softly he strained to hear him. “I want to kiss you.”
Kaoru knew his face had turned crimson in that instant. Why was Gackt asking? He froze as Gackt pulled him close deliberately slow and embraced him, taking in his scent. Egoiste. He breathed deeply and found the same fragrance lingering over Gackt’s throat.
/Just kiss me already./ Gackt was holding him so near he felt like he would have trouble speaking.
“I’m sorry.” Gackt was whispering directly to his ear. It didn’t sound husky or inviting; he sounded shy, almost.
“Gackt…” Kaoru felt himself choking. “Don’t say that.” When Mana came to him he chose to leave Gackt without telling him what happened, because he knew Gackt belonged in some way to his band and that he would choose it over him. When Gackt left Malice Mizer right away afterwards he’d announced that it was for work-related reasons – and Kaoru had to believe him. There was no way he could have known about…

Unwarranted; “No more words, tonight, Gackt. Douka,” Kaoru tugged at his collar, brushing his lips faintly over the line of Gackt’s jaw, inhaling, whispering absent words. Kiss me, Gackt, take this body. Don’t break me with your words. I don’t want to think about you knowing…
He felt Gackt nod, the man taking his cue and placing his hands on both his shoulders, their lips touching. Gackt kissed him softly and he prodded him with his tongue, asking the older man to be more aggressive, but Gackt’s lips remained careful and slow, tasting a little of alcohol. “No, no. It should be more like this.”
Kaoru didn’t reply. He sighed and let himself fall on his back, trying hard to push Mana away from his thoughts – no, it wasn’t just Mana. He’d left because Gackt made heaveeave, and that was that. Gackt worked carefully over him, undressing him and later wrapping him with the covers, staying the night. The next day Gackt had offered to give him a ride but he opted to take the subway, the first time for him since they’d gone major, entering the concert hall and throwing himself into practice as if nothing happened. Kyo had not asked anything in detail – he looked okay, he said.

And everyone else thought the same, most likely – even Die, who would press the issue if he thought there was a need. A small photo shoot with Toshiya occupied the next day and then it was back to a studio, for more practice. Come sunset he announced an early wrap-up.
“Ja mata.”
Kaoru blinked up as Shinya’s hand fell over his, the drummer trying to call his attention. “Kaoru?”
“Mm?”
Shinya shook his head. “I asked if you wanted to have dinner at myce. ce. Is that a no?”
“Oh.” Kaoru looked at his watch. Seven forty-five. “I had other plans. Did you ask the others?”
“Kyo’s coming. Die already went with Toshiya to our place. Nothing special, just felt like cooking.”
Toshiya and Shinya’s new joint hobby – cooking. In matching aprons to boot, trying out recipes of the band’s favorites, especially Die’s. Kaoru shook his head regretfully. “My loss alone, I see. Next time then?”
“Yes, of course.” Shinya bent forward to kiss his cheek and walked towards his car, bowing politely once more before getting in. Kaoru smiled and wondered how long he’d been standing there outside the studio, smoking his lungs out. Actually he knew – thirteen minutes to be exact. He could see a familiar car stop on the streets, a man dressed casually in a soft gray shirt and tight, tight blue pants getting off. He waved and approached him.
You had given him a ride. He didn’t bring his car; either Gackt was going home with him or taking a cab home. All these convoluted details seemed to shout at him. “Konbanwa,” he greeted him. Gackt hugged him in greeting and he felt oddly nervous.
“What did you have planned,” he asked, when they were both inside his car. Gackt had finished releasing a single and filming Moonchild recently and the man had some free time to his hands. He wondered what he did to unwind, what he did for fun. Kaoru flipped the CD player on the fill in the void seemingly alivtweetween them. He almost smirked when Kyo’s screaming voice greeted him with Raison Detré.

“Betsuni,” Gackt said. “We could just order dinner again. Is this alright?”
“Un.” Kaoru felt like he was talking to a stranger. Dir en Grey was on tour and they were hopping from venue to venue by the week, and since he had taken Gackt to his room three days ago he had been present every night. He came for dinner and he knew there was an attempt for small talk on the singer’s part, Gackt asking about their tour, about his band mates, but he had effectively dodged the questions by plying Gackt with wine and straddling him the moment the opportunity presented itself. Tonight was their last night in the area and tonight would be the last of the awkward set of couplings.
Once they went off to their next venue Gackt would either pop-up or disappear from his life – again. Kaoru tried not to think about it too much as he padded barefoot inside his hotel room, Gackt seated with his legs folded on his bed, eating daintily; he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth while Gackt finished his meal.
Uh oh. Kaoru rummaged through the wooden basket by the sink, tossing a couple of used packages aside. He glanced behind him where Gackt was watching TV, concentrating on some Chinese action-comedy, and then back at the empty basket. They’d used up all the condoms.
“Gackt,” Kaoru called, throwing on a jacket as he crossed the room. “Machimasu ka? I have to run downstairs – it’ll only be a minute. There’s a Lawson across the street.”
Gackt looked at him, smirking. “I’m here for real, Kaoru. You don’t need my merchandise to keep you company.”
“Yeah funny,” Kaoru muttered, ignoring how true that comment could be. Something slipped out of his defenses and he cursed himself for thinking it.
/For real, senpai? Are you really…?/
“Is it so important?” Gackt stood up and was sauntering towards him fluidly, and already Kaoru felt his body responding, urging him to close the gap between them. Inadvertently he grasped at the edges of his coat and turned towards the door before he was drawn to Gackt’s chest like a puppet.
Gackt’s voice was teasing, incapable of sounding whiny but somehow effectively letting that point come across. “I don’t want to wait…”
Be firm, Kaoru, he thought. “Gackt, ten minutes, tops.”
“How can I survive ten minutes without you? Masaka…”

He felt soft lips finding their way through the hair over his nape, Gackt’s arms wrapping around his torso – lightly, but he knew if he tried to break loose they’d lock in place. “You did pretty fucking welr sir six years,” he snapped, annoyed at how easily Gackt could manipulate him, although he didn’t quite mean to blurt such a thing out so easily. Gackt’s mouth froze over the skin behind his ears and he nearly shuddered as Gackt exhaled shakily over the area.
“Look,” Kaoru decided it was best that way, to be so blunt about things, instead of playing games. Gackt’s arms were still around him and he pushed them away. “We’re out of condoms. I’ll just grab some and I’ll be back before you know it.”
He walked to where his shoes were parked neatly and tried not to outbalance himself by hurrying too much, refusing to do so much as glance back. The last thing he needed now was to have Gackt say something stupid like they didn’t need to have sex, which he highly doubted, and he didn’t want tin tin the mood with all the empty talk. He could see the lean form walking towards him and he swiftly made a grab for the doorknob before he even inserted his foot in his left shoe.
“Kimi wa…”
Ignoring his curiosity completely Kaoru stumbled out the door and fled te ele elevators, hopping as he slipped his other shoe on. So much for being an enigmatic rock star. He pulled at his jacket closer to his body and jogged on the way to the convenience store, grabbed the colorful packages near the counter while ignoring the curious glances of the cashier, then forced himself to walk on the way back. The longercoulcould make Gackt wait the more urgent the man would be, or so he hoped, which cut out any possibility for conversation.
It’s not like he was a fangirl; Gackt could save his pretty words for lyrics. Kaoru entered his hotel room thinking just that, plus a couple of other more intimate thoughts, Already he could smell Gackt’s perfume – it had filled the room. “Gackto?”
D
Darkness answered him. Gackt was never too keen for lights – even back then when they were living together he barely used them unless he was reading. The TV was now turned off and the bathroom door was closed. Kaoru sighed softly as he spotted the lately familiar figure under the curtains.
“I want to talk.”
Kaoru made his way to the soft filtering light, parting the material slowly to reveal Gackt, to his surprise, facing him; silky-smooth curtains indulgently welcomed him inside, gathering them intact. Outside there were no stars, only glass, a wall of blackness that outlined them as Kaoru shook his head and slid off his jacket, his face impassive, undoing the buttons of his shirt himself. It fell on the floor with a soft plop and his fingers next went to the front of his pants, the loose garment slipping past his knees quickly. There was really no seductive way of doing it, at least he thought so; kicking the clothes aside he took his boxers off next, ignoring the words softly caressing his face.
“Kaoru, talk to me.”
He was wearing nothing more – in front of Gackt’s immense air of authority Kaoru stood in his only skin, flowing curtains brushing against his back and molding over the curves of his ass, his mouth forming a dull sound. No. Lifting his hands to the hem of Gackt’s shirt he tugged it upwards, Gackt raising his arms; when he yanked down the tight-fitting pants long legs had cooperated in divesting them completely, with nothing else left underneath. The curtains were skimming the skin of his thighs, the back of his legs; behind Gackt the glass had nearly fogged up and it was undoubtedly chilly and bitter to the flesh of the man’s back, his shoulders.
“No.”
/Only this./ Clutching fistfuls of the fabric behind him Kaoru placed his hands against the glass, reaching past Gackt’s shoulders, their bodies trapped within walls of flimsy materiae fee felt Gackt’s fingers gliding up his hips, hovering there; he kissed his shoulder and braced himself, knowing what more there was to the sensation, knowing how demanding Gackt’s touch could be. A forearm hooked over his waist and Gackt kissed him open-mouthed, and after all the stillness suddenly their arms were in motion, moving towards one another, pressing the line of their bodies as consistently as they could.
There was a ripping sound and he was ushered to the bed; Kaoru felt the sheets swallow him, flowing and supple from behind as opposed to the solidity of the weight pressed on top of him, Gackt’s hands positioning him for every approach. Teeth grazed over his earlobe and he bent his head sideways to avoid it, a tongue chasing at the delicate shell; it made him squirm helplessly for hardly an instant and already he found himself pinned and domid byd by pistoning hips, and deft fingers playing avidly over his torso. He stared at the roof wondrously for what seemed an eternity.
Peripheral vision danced with a flood of images: Gackt’s eyes skimming his body, well-built shoulders. Strands of his own hair. Shadows in the dark – or were those the two of them? Kaoru panted, breathing open-mouthed as Gackt prepared him, as he was penetrated and his legs were forced to open wider, sweat slick between their bodies and friction warm and hot with none of the sweetness he fed off Gackt’s lips, kisses li his his throat, his shoulders. The air-conditioning was cold against the dampness of his arms and he clung to the body covering him, feeling exposed to the room, to its expanse, to its emptiness outside the space they were taking. Like all other nights the urgency was overwhelming for the both of them. He couldn’t stop pleading, stop begging; Gackt seemed like couldn’t stop giving, wanting to pour all there was of him and never running out. Again this pushing and pulling. And the spark-shock of sudden touches, ones yet to be made until they exist between them. It bound him.
No. The word echoed in his mind as he heard Gackt murmur it to his ear, the room spinning. “No one else’s.”
Tears were spilling down his cheeks, his insides stinging. Yours, he wanted to scream out. He bit on his lower lip and grunted, feeling his chest ready to explode, the rhythm between their bodes slipping as Gackt rammed deep inside him and pressed t low lower regions together harshly, arching on top of him with a curt inhalation of breath. Closing his eyes finally Kaoru found release, white sparks of entirety dimming into nothingness.
He heard Gackt grunt and warmth filled his insides, making him muscles clench. It was over.
/We need to talk./ He stared once again the ceiling, chest constricted by someone else’s breathing, like a blanket of flesh over flesh. It felt rather good, but strange. He savored the respite, knowing that in a few minutes Gackt would be nudging at his ribs, teasing slightly, ready for another go like the last time – it made for weary, groggy mornings, but as Kyo said, it gave him thatoritorious afterglow. ‘Got laid’, his every movement seemed to say, and Kyo laughed after trying to imitate him, undoubtedly trying to distract him from less amusing thoughts.
/Kyo. Distract me from these feelings./

Kaoru almost laughed that very instant, trapped under Gac wei weight, letting the hum of his breath wash against his Adam’s apple. Shifting back a little Gackt brought their faces together, but he didn’t kiss him. He was going to say something, Kaoru knew, waiting for relatively long as Gackt only stared at his face. He opened his mouth, only no actual sentences came out.
He sang instead. It was so out of place Kaoru barely recognized it. Akuro No Oka – one of Kaoru’s older songs, actually, one he composed for Dir en Grey. It was – he couldn’t quite understand at the moment why. It was just one of the things Gackt did, perhaps the thought crossed his mind and so he did it, being that kind of person. A man of, not of action, no, Kaoru couldn’t quite put it that way. Only one on a direct route; Gackt did things for no apparent reason all the time. Simply he did so, if he sincerely wanted to do something, regardless of the cause or the consequence, thinking that something he wanted sincerely could in no way be harmful to what he was suppose to be doing in a universal sense.
Universal. Destiny. Big words like that – Gackt had no problem using and meaning them. Here was a man not afraid to get hurt. All of the sudden Kaoru wanted to talk to him, about whatever it was he wanted to talk about. Gackt, who did sincere things.
But Gackt’s low voice had reached the chorus and his hands had started move against his chest – they were starting again. The rumors about Gackt’s sexual prowess were not entirely accurate, but were damn near so, Kaoru concluded. “More slowly this time,” Gackt husked to his ear. He nodded as he felt arms wrap around him and Gackt had started singing again, faintly, swaying their bodies as much as he could in the confines of the bed, like a slow dance without dancing at all. Only breathing each other.
And remembering. Tomorrow, Kaoru told himself, smoothing his hands down to the firm clefts of Gackt’s rear, listening to his voice. Tomorrow I’ll forget. Hesitating a little he moved a hand between their groins and searched for the hardness nestled against his, gently pushing at the chest over his, slipping downwards. Gackt had taught him to do this, in their small shared apartment, and he had never done it since they’d fallen apart. The intimate kiss – it was something he could never share with anyone else. Awkwardly he forced his way down, quick but unrushed, Gackt gracelessly lifting his hips and balancing on his arms, likely wondering what he was planning even when it was plainly observable. And he knew this more so when he took him in his mouth and heard a gasp muffled from above him, Gackt rushing to position his knees, Kaoru’s own erection exposed to the cold air as he exceeded the edges of the bed and uncomfortably tried to gain access to the carpet. He could hear Gackt moaning and he sought his hips, the muscular thighs, caressing his nether regions with his tongue as the thoughts swirled in his head.
Do it tonight. Anything you want – tomorrow this has to stop. So if there’s anything more you need to feel…
/Feel it tonight, Kaoru./ Tonight, and that was it. He closed his eyes and concentrated on pleasing Gackt, and everything else disappeared.
The next morning Gackt woke up alone in an empty room, even the sheets beside him folded. Kaoru had fled, leaving the area. Lonely mornings piled up, and moods went from silent to sour to suffering, but press conferences were again in season and always, always, Kaoru was kind to the cameras; all was fine with Dir en Grey. All members received bouquets from Yoshiki, a former producer, congratulating them for the success of their newest release, and for the sold-out shows. Everyone was tired; Kaoru was especially stressed.
But this way he had less time to think. Another three weeks passed by – five hotels and a magazine cover, to be exact; their schedules were booked for the entirety of the remaining year. And this was pleasant news to Kaoru, despite the weariness. He stepped out of his dressing room feeling rather energetic, pumped-up by a double espresso earlier on.
Two more cities. Two more cities before Osaka, the last stop, and the final concert for the year. Next up, a single, no break, with everyone flying to some yet undisclosed location for the PV. Kaoru trudged across the stage to where Toshiya stood, hands full of photocopies. Flyers for the night’s live. They were wearing costumes and masks and handing them out themselves.
“You and your schemes,” Toshiya told him, covering his mouth self-consciously as he tried to suppress laughter. Beside him Shinya was fanning himself, stripped down to his sleeveless top and a pair of rather short denim shorts – for a change it was Toshiya who was more conservatively clad of the two. In a thin, matte overcoat that reached his knees, a collared shirt of the same coral hue, and gray leather pants that looked oddly well with the rest of the outfit, it was a type of fashion management no one really understood how to pull-off, only admittedly natural to the bassist. Add red sneakers and dark glasses and he seemed to be clown in a suit, only wittier. Cuter without effort.
And sweeter, Kaoru thought, watching the man nuzzle Shinya’s head, and off they both went to the dressing room. Shinya was out of the activity – he was staying behind to instruct the crew about positioning his drums, and they were testing the fog machine to make sure the smoke didn’t reach where he was to play. Kyo and Die were already in matching black suits that made them look, Kaoru wryly thought, like priests, if only they weren’t wearing the black masks. They were planning to give the flyers to passers-by around the area for about an hour or so, just for kicks, and then announce it later. Nothing special, really, just…
“Kaoru-san wa?”
The crewmen were everywhere, painting wooden boards, setting them up; behind two large speakers he sought the hidden figure blocked by a portable ladder and saw one of their personal assistants talking to a masked Die, looking for him. He raised his hand in greeting.
“Kaoru-san, there’s a note left for you.” A small envelope was handed to him, a vibrant blue, and he knew right away it was from a fan – he’d been receiving the *same* message from time to time for years. He handed it to another assistant while he crossed the stage and asked him to place it on his dressing table for later – res ces could wait. At the moment Toshiya was back without Shinya, also in his black costume, and Die and Kyo had already worn their masks.
“Iko?” Die asked, obviously excited with his idea. He eyed the area for a trashcan and went ahead when he found none, descending the stage stairways. “I’ll see you outside, minna.”
Toshiya and Kyo were laughing over possible negative reactions to their flyers; Kyo was plotting on approaching cutesy Jpop crowd types. More than anything everyone jumped on Kaoru’s idea gratefully because he’d been so down for some time now – so ‘out of it’, Die, called ind ind it was a relief to see him having fun even if it was still work-related.
Kyo in particular was happy for the moment; Kaoru sat between him and Die in a borrowed car, where they headed for a nearby convenience store. After paying for parking they trotted a couple of streets towards more commercial areas, running into a wider crowd of salary men and schoolgirls, mothers, workers, couples. Die started handing flyers to cute girls and Toshiya handed from his stack to cute boys who looked liked girls, “like my Shinya”. Kaoru was handing them to everyone he thought might be interested.
“Ne, Kao, we’re headed that way,” Die pointed towards a corner, where there was a pachinko center. Kaoru nodded, briefly eyeing the crowd gathered by the entrance, then went back to watching Toshiya flirt with a younn inn in a blue suit rather successfully. Even with a mask apparently Toshiya could charm whomever he wanted, the straight-laced looking boy in front of him reading the flyer seriously and nodding. Die talked to a group of waitresses while he waited and then the two band mates disappeared to the multitude of people crossing the street.
Kyo, by now, was nowhere to be found.

Kaoru gave up looking for him and glanced at his watch – they’d had twenty minutes. Ten minutes passed and he had about thirty flyers left, and had wandered a little further from the rest; there was a 100 yen store nearby which he knew wasn’t even in sight from the point they started. He walked some more until the road split into two. On to the left there were a couple more stores, and he could see a group of teen-agers huddling over something. He thought well to approach them.
That was, until he caught site of the right side, with a small commotion going on. He sprinted over right away, thinking it was a street performer, and rifled through the few papers left in his possession. The small crowd was moving, down the street, towards his direction. He slipped past a couple of onlookers and handed out his remaining flyers as best he could.
As he was passing one to a girl in front of him a hand snatched it, and the glint of silver attached to the wrist caught Kaoru’s eyes, making him suck in breath. It looked so much like one of Gackt’s bracelets, uncannily like so. The observers in front of him moved away as if the minor gathering parted into two, and Kaoru barely knocked out Gackt’s wrist from his thoughts when the man himself stood before him, a Dir en Grey flyer at hand.
“Konnichiwa,” Gackt greeted him politely, making him clutch the flyers reflexively between them. He spoke in low tones, probably trying not to let his fans hear. “Dir en Grey. Are the members already in the concert hall?”
Kaoru froze, inhaling Gackt’s perfume fully, considering his options. If he spoke Gackt might recognize him, and if he started running, well, he might also recognize him.
“Let me try,” Someone interjected, and Kaoru felt a hand gently tug at his arm. He was pulled aside and from the corner of his eyes he saw Gackt’s expressionless face, his bodyguards fending off his more aggressive admirers. He was tapped at the shoulder and in front of him Ren materialized from the masses, easy as it was for him to blend in with everyone.
Ren was just as polite as Gackt, voice softer. He wedged a fistful of yen into his hand. “I know this seems inappropriate,” he started. “But Gackt is friends with, with some of the members of Dir en Grey and he simply wants to know if they’re available for a visit.”
Kaoru blinked dumbly at the money in his hands, a small amount but in bills, nonetheless. Ren was… bribing him? He knew it happened, but… “Why doesn’t he just call their manager?”
“Well,” the bassist looked equally confused. “It’s… he wants to surprise them!” He proclaimed, looking quite pleased with his excuse. Ren, Kaoru realized right out, was very poor at lying.
And Kaoru was not. “I don’t think they’re there yet,” he replied politely, handing back the Ren’s money, which they took turns passing back and forth to one another. “I don’t really know much about their schedule. Sumimasen.”
“Oh.” Ren looked cutely disappointed, glancing back at where he left Gackt. “Well, that was all.” He nodded once and headed away. Kaoru took the opportunity to rush out the vicinity as quickly as possible, turning back to the street he came from. Only when he turned to go he crashed against someone, almost knocking himself down.
Green contacts. Gackt’s handsome face was so near his and he felt his gaze pierce right through his mask. Immediately Kaoru knew the man had been listening, and if so…
“Kaoru.”
If so, Gackt would have easily recognized his voice. “Try to run,” Gackt whispered, face solemn, “and I’ll rip your mask off.”
/Oh shit./ Kaoru eyed the crowd; if he was recognized, along with Gackt’s own following, it would be impossible to try to escape. And for some reason, knowing that wherever Gackt stood a photographer hid in his shadow, he was excessively terrified of having their picture taken together without a work-related reason for them to be so. “What do you want?”
Gackt didn’t think to answer – his mouth opened and the words came out as if they’d been dying to be heard. “We need to talk, and you *know* it.”
“Do I?” People were starting to force themselves nearer and Kaoru scanned the premises hurriedly, trying to find a way out, stalling with his answers. “Do I, really?” He repeated, speaking slowly.

Gackt went to grab at his wrist but Kaoru clasped his hands behind him, stepping back; if the crowd stopped him from avoiding a confrontation, it also hindered Gackt from fully intimidating him. Gackt, no doubt, would not be so careless as to assault a man in public – it would be give-away tabloid fodder. “Listen.” Gackt licked his lips and for a minute Kaoru thought the noise around him had dulled, his senses zoning into the small movement. “Kaoru, this isn’t a game.”
Kaoru would have plenty to reply to that. But on his left, like a blessing, a man in black handing out flyers caught his eye, surrounded by a group of boys in schools uniforms. It could have been anyone, far enough so that the height was indiscernible, but the stance, the graceful hand gestures, the way everyone in the area was giggling and swooning made the person’s identity known to him. /Sweet Toshiya ' was what registered in his brain in place of a couple of obscenities, shouting and crashing right through the crowd. “Totchi! Totchi!”
It was so sudden; he’d toppled a couple of onlookers but managed to block Gackt’s way in the process, rushing towards where Toshiya simply looked at him, his face unreadable under his mask. He clutched at the bassist’s arm and continued to run down the street, glancing back to find Gackt doing his best not to hurt anyone around him as he went through the crowd to chase him. Toshiya followed him wordlessly through the lengthy streets, matching his pace, and in a few minutes they’d scurried their way back to the parking lot.
Toshiya stood beside him and took his mask off, and his expression was so open and apprehensive at the same time Kaoru knew he’d frightened his younger nakama for real this time. “Kaoru,” Toshiya started, a voice little breathless but steady, wide appealing eyes imploring. He thought for a moment Toshiya would burst in outrage, demand answers for the weeks and weeks of anxiety he caused the band, but all he asked was, “Daijoubou, Kaoru? I-ima daijoubou?”

Kaoru looked down to where their hands were still clasped, Toshiya’s slender fingers tightly twined with his shorter ones, and he forced out a response but failed as he clutched at his stomach and bent forward, leaning back onto their car; he was duly out of breath. He nodded instead and felt like a heel as a timid, cautious Toshiya beamed, saying a soft ”Yokatta”.
“Douka,” he spoke as gently. Toshiya must look so lovely beside him, so composed; Kaoru tore his eyes away, upset over being chased and relieved for having escaped – or was it really that? “Call the others. We’re heading back.” He pressed the speed dial on his cell phone and handed it to Toshiya, who finally let go of his hand. When the others came they rode back to the concert hall awkwardly, Die telling short stories of reactions to their flyers as Toshiya tried to laugh and Kyo simply stared out the window. Shinya was waiting for them by the vending machines, sweaty before a shower, a pair of personal assistants fanning him.
The show started a little late; an hour before they had to go Kyo decided on black attachable streaks. Die thought it looked cool and asked for red ones, three shades lighter than his hair, and ended up with about seven tones of red artificial hair cascading over one eye. Toshiya liked the idea and did the exact same thing… to Shinya. To apologize for the delay Kyo, who Die teasingly announced on stage as the cause, stripped off his shirt and performed the rest of the night that way, giving Die, and the rest of Dir en Grey, more fanservice than they were ready for.
Needless to say it was a quite a show – whenever Kyo was tense, he’d put on a rowdier performance. Halfway through a song he’d straddled Die, making him fall on his back, and grinded his crotch heavily against his guitar; Die only watched him helplessly, a bit too stunned to react. Later he’d dropped to his knees in front Shinya and pretended to give him head while the drummer went on pounding against his drums, struggling hard to look impassive. Not wanting to be outdone Toshiya mimicked the gesture and Kyo, standing in the middle of the stage as Toshiya positioned in front of him, started moaning gily ily on the microphone.
It was a good thing they were getting a positive response from the crowd tonight – otherwise Kaoru would not stand for it, feeling edgy and distracted as it was, and consequently struggling for resolve. He eyed his band mates from a corner of the stage, playing as he leaned back on one of the pillars, feeling a little dazed. It was an odd mix – deeper feelings, regret and anger and wistfulness, were struggling inside him, and yet the crowd and the music and the way he always felt so wicked, but wonderful, on stage gave him a charge, like he was playing out his soul, somewhat like the way Kyo was pouring his heart out on stage without meaning to, only, because this was Dir en Grey, and the camaraderie was unfeigned, and whatever anyone wanted to do, they knew it was welcome.

*Always* welcome. Kaoru looked up, hearing a series of screams that sounded distinctively fanservice derived, and right he was. Kyo was walking towards him though – it made Kaoru wonder, because Kyo had avoided going to him on stage ever since he’d run into… Gackt. Quickly he pushed the thought out of his mind and smirked, wide enough for the audience to see, peering through the curtain of pink strands as a topless, blood drenched Kyo stalked towards him.
At first Kyo’s palm landed beside his head, against the wall behind him, and Kaoru tried to stare straight back at the vocalist as he kept with the difficult plucking of the interlude; Kyo was wearing contacts and he didn’t know for sure if he was looking at him or at his chest where Kyo deftly let his fingers skim at the exposed flesh, Kaoru’s leather jacket open and no clothing evident inside. The fleshy pads of Kyo’s fingers finally stopped, pressing firmly, flat against his belly, and Kyo inched closer, and Kaoru knew he was going to nuzzle his throat, one of the more intimate displays Kyo did to him on stage, smearing the crimson liquid dripping from the sides of his lips to the relative paleness of both their skins. Instead Kyo’s entire upper body pressed against the line of his torso and he his tilted his chin upwards, eyes lidded but definitely open, and he pulled at the nape of Kaoru’s neck as he breathed against his cheek, pausing.
Cherries. Kaoru opened his mouth to more of Kyo as Kyo reached forward and kissed him, full on the lips, for the first time ever on stage, on the first time Kyo had ever kissed anyone on stage. For a moment Kaoru failed to recognize it, only reveling on the flavor lingering between them, deep cherry syrup – the type Toshiya loved so much - having his senses overwhelm him with the taste of Kyo, the feel of his fingers caught between their bodies stroking his abdomen, the solidity of his hand keeping his head steady, the pressure of his lips pushing him back against the wall. Kaoru kept his eyes open as he watched Kyo close his and let him slip his tongue languidly into his mouth, the movement slow and soft and quiet, surreal in the pounding of Shinya’s vigorous drumming, in the bass lines pulsating over their heartbeats.
When the chorus started Kyo’s kisses moved away from him soundlessly, and Kaoru struggled with the chords, missing frets almost entirely as he watched Kyo walk back to the middle of the stage, Toshiya sidling up next to the vocalist while Die went the opposite direction, to him. He didn’t say anything although his eyes were questioning, as Kaoru expected of him, but Die flashed him a cheeky grin and pretended to lick at the smears on his chin. Kaoru inhaled deeply, letting Die’s scent fill him, shake his senses from floating away from the concert to where he saw Gackt earlier on. Concentrate on the concert he told himself, and Kaoru caught Kyo beckoning him with his fingers.
I’m here, Kyo was saying. Dir en Grey will always be here. If you want to do something, do it.
Kaoru stuck his tongue out, wanting to ravish the thoughtful, clever Kyo there and then. /Mochiron./
After the last three songs the lights died out, and Kaoru found Shinya beside him, tugging at his sleeve. The spotlight hit them just as the drummer threw his arms around him, pulling him for a brief hug, although it was an unplanned move – much like most of the night. “Aa, thanks,” he whispered. For a while Kaoru felt grateful without even thinking about it, even towards the audience, and he waved at them as he left the stage intensity to the rest of his nakama.
Backstage he was first to reach his dressing room, aching for a seat although it would likely cause him nausea, Die following him. Two women rushed to his side with excited expressions, one of them clutching a piece of cloth, both somewhat breathless; Kaoru had to wonder as they spoke at the same time about hurrying inside, the lights already open, some gaijin standing at the entrance. “Omedatou,” Toshiya’s stylist greeted him, before running outside with a towel. He could see some of the crew gathering behind him.
In front of him Camui Gackt stood in a white suit, admiring a bouquet of flowers resting on his dresser. “Sugizo-san sent these?” He asked casually, glancing at him, then smiling slightly at his present inability to feign casualness. “Omedatou,” he followed, half-shy but barely unsure, when he was a few steps closer to Kaoru.
Strangely, Kaoru noted first, You was absent. He turned to leave, chest heaving from the show, still too caught in the otherworldly haze of their performance for the fact that Gackt was waiting for him in his dressing room to elicit a real reaction. “Gackt-san,” he tried to greet politely, feeling all eyes on him. He felt something, some things hit him at the same time: he was running out of air, his costume too constricting, and he peeled of the confines of his leather jacket somewhat in a daze without a second thought, leaving his chest bare. And then he felt the air-conditioning skim over his skin and it made him shiver slightly, his head spinning. Die. Where was Die? He was right behind him a few moments ago, he was sure.
“Die?” Kaoru choked out, overwhelmed by something he couldn’t identify. Gackt’s very presence seemed too unreal, here in his dressing room, trespassing the solitude he shared with Dir eny; hy; he stumbled outside his room to search for Die’s arms, Die assurances. Die was right behind him, he knew. “Die?” He called out, a little clearer.
Gackt had grabbed his shoulder; Kaoru heaved at the sudden motion, the skin on his thighs itching; he wanted to strip off his pants as well, kick his shoes off, lie next to naked on Shinya’s lap while Toshiya made them dinner, Kyo serious but pleasant beside them, Die… but where was Die? “What are you doing?” Gackt asked, his voice sounding strained but not genuinely confused, wrapping a towel around his shoulders. “Kaoru, yamero.”
“Go away,” he replied quietly, nearly gasping as he tried hard for oxygen - almost shoving Gackt, catching a glimpse of Die’s legs glowing in the darkness as he jogged back to the stage, paleness slowly disappearing into the hall. Cheering ensued; the audience was happy to see him back, Kaoru knew, and he wanted to hurry back to the rest of his nakama as well but he hesitated, catching a glimpse of angry green eyes, and something inside him flared at the contact; he pushed at Gackt who was again at his side and immediately went towards the other side of the hallway, to the staircases.
The roses kept coming; Kaoru walked right into a crewmember and petals flew in the air, cascading over him, sticking to the sweat on his skin. Yoshiki had sent more flowers, some from former agencies, a large arrangement from, surprisingly, Aiji of Pierrot, the members of Penicillin – other bands the press would be interested in hearing about – and some from magazines, from companies, from relatives. It was crazy, the concert fever – Kaoru clutched at his own shoulders as if the thought would affect him physically, by just thinking it.
Insane, really; he continued towards the area where the lights were closed, knowing that Gackt was a few feet behind him, taking his time to catch up – Kaoru was nearly ped ped and he felt so, hot and agitated and anxious and all but stumbling in his boots, his thoughts swirling like sakura falling from the trees trying to avoid hitting the concrete streets. Insane, really, the tension backstage, nearly enough to drive people up the wall trying to cope up with their energy as if keeping up meant being part of it all; it made people into maniacs.
/Who don’t know anything. Anymore…/
He was running; several flights of stairs had flown behind his feet and his legs were starting to complain, feeling too tight and constricted in his pants. Somewhere between the third and fourth, or fifth maybe, floor he had pulled the towel off his thin frame, leaving it in the stairways; his chest was pounding and he realized only now that he needed a drink, immediately, his throat dry to the point that it was almost painful. Behind him he could hear shouting, words repeated in intervals. There wasn’t likely anyone left to see them anymore. Kaoru rushed up the stairs as fast as he could, legs aching, hearing Gackt call for him.
“Kaoru.” Gackt was keeping up with him easily, long legs skipping steps upward, and without glancing he could see him on the adjacent flight trailing him. “Kaoru,” Gackt called, not outraged but purposeful in tone. It made Kaoru accelerate his pace, feet clanking over the metal steps towards the rooftop, his lungs out of air and his eyes nearly stinging with frustration. Immediately a draft had wafted over his face as he opened the door to the open-air space and he blinked at the darkness that greeted him.
“Dame da.”
He tried to adjust to the blackness that he walked into, wincing, looking upwards. There were no stars even; from far, far away the moon looked down at him and said nothing, *nothing*. The silence was ruthless.

“Oi.”
Kaoru panted heavily, the sound a quiet echo from behind him; he felt rather than saw his breatst ist into the cold air, the sweat on his back matting quickly. For a moment he could not move, his entire body seemingly against it, only he felt like he needed to. He turned around and found Gackt standing there.
Kaoru shuddered, feeling drained and vulnerable, and so small in the nothingness that tried to swallow them; the door shut behind Gackt’s tall frame and he could not say anything to him, uncertain of how to stop him, heart pounding in his chest. Gackt nodded and he found himself unable to move again, not knowing what to do anymore. How again? How did Gackt reach this far? Both of them?
“This is the end of the chase,” Gackt said, near enough to speak quietly but not so that he could see his expression, his voice definite and deep and earnest.
Kaoru held his breath, his eyes stinging from the wind, the flesh of his shoulders shivering in the cold. “Is it?”

Gackt smiled at him fiercely. “Yes.” He stepped towards him once, twice, until he was able to reach him, touch his face. Gackt’s fingers were warm and Kaoru wanted to grab them, to bring warmth to his own hands, and he felt the skin tingling wherever fingertips skimmed the surface; it was a feeling, he was sure, he could not live without.
When Gackt suddenly moved towards him he almost gasped, being so covered by Gackt’s entire being so intimately. But from behind Gackt he saw the moon, this time still quiet but equally arresting, and for a moment he just stared back, letting himself be held. Why again? Why was he so afraid?
/Sometimes when the feelings are too much…/
Was it because there was no reason to be? Had he been wrong, in every way?
/… I get lost in them…/
He let his arms fall down his sides and made no effort to move, smelling the juncture of skin that curved against his cheek, inhaling deeply then carefully exhaling. The most simple thought drifted to his mind and he grasped it with equal forthrightness, with equal parts awe and acceptance. All this time he needed a reason why Gackt was after him, wanted to know what they could be together that made it impossible for them to be apart. It was simply to be this near. “You want this.”
/But I want to hold on… this time./

“Aa.” The wind was chilly; soon Kaoru found himself being led inside, crewmembers gathered by the stairs with towels and jackets and worry apparenttheitheir faces as Kyo barred them from following him to the rooftop. He let himself be coddled and taken away from Gackt’s arms, two women helping him undress and untying his shoes for him, his bandmates peering in once in a while with obvious excuses. Kyo came in after about ten minutes, catching him in the shower. He sat on the tiled counters by the sink and watched him rinse his hair, a whisper of a curtain between them. Kaoru himself could see Kyo quite clearly, the red of his shirt particularly visible.
Kyo hesitated at first. “Are you… okay now?”
“We are.” Kaoru said plainly, surprised and pleased at the way that sounded. Perhaps the hardest part was admitting that it was okay to need Gackt, and that it was okay to believe that he needed him, too. He almost yelped when the shower curtains were pulled open, not really suddenly, but definitely unexpected, and Kyo reached to twist the shower knobs behind him. “Kyo?”
“Really?” Kyo asked calmly, voice warm, as if Kaoru wasn’andianding naked before him. His voice echoed in the small room and Kaoru found himself nodding, unsure of what Kyo was really asking such that he had to do this; Kyo smiled and it made him feel relieved for some reason.
“Would I lie to you, sweets?”
Kyo didn’t even blink. “Yes.” But when Kaoru simply shrugged Kyo snorted.
“Good then.” And then Kyo threw himself at him, embracing his waist, stepping completely into the shower area in his shoes and designer jeans and pressing himself into the wetness of Kaoru’s flesh, firmly against the entire line of his body. Kaoru would have been shocked if it was anyone but Kyo. “You’re going to be okay now,” Kyo said quietly.
It was the strangest thing. Kaoru knew Kyo was happy – just by how Kyo fit against him comfortably. Perhaps that was why Kyo had to do this – why he felt the need to touch him. He wanted to thank him but the words dt evt even form in his mind. Instead he extended his arms and embraced Kyo back.
After Kyo left to change Kaoru pulled on jacket over a house shirt and shorts, packing his guitar. He found Gackt and Die smoking in front of his dressing room in mutual silence, sharing a portable ashtray.
“Omedatou,” Die greeted with flourish, relishing the word. “And for the concert, too,” he added, grinning; Kaoru blinked as Gackt mock-coughed behind the back of his hand, vainly concealing an awkward smile, then he went to ask for some water as they all waited in the halls. Toshiya was the last to come out, Shinya arriving first in an olive shirt and jeans, and then the two left together, occupying the band’s van all by themselves. Tomorrow they were celebrating with the entire crewing ing lunch, Kaoru reminded them. Kyo had spent his time waiting seated, playing with Die’s guitar in what seemed like Die’s extra shirt as well; after the pair left Die offered to give Kyo a ride, the vocalist almost unable to walk straight in exhaustion, and while Kaoru and Gackt went to the parking lot they saw Die eventually carrying the singer into his car. Gackt had offered Kaoru a ride and they went to his hotel straight away.
“Omedatou,” Gackt whispered in the darkness of their suite, gathering Kaoru’s thin frame to his chest. “To me, of course.” Kaoru pushed him to his bed and they laughed together, for the first time in years, tumbling over the comforters. For a while they just lay there until Gackt hauled Kaoru’s body over his and discovered that he was too tired to resist his advances. Among more concrete things.
The next morning Gackt woke up in Kaoru’s extra clothes with roses at his bedside, burgundy drapes closed so thoroughly that sunlight barely trickled from the edges in pink streams. It was past nine; Kaoru’d gone ahead to organize the lunch and called him in a little while, sounding surprisingly shy; it made Gackt laugh and tease him, in his deadpan voice. When he came back later Gackt asked if Dir en Grey were taking a break.
Just two weeks, Kaoru told him, while he packed his things and shuffled from room to room, checking all his other nakama’s belongings. Gackt kissed the top of his head just as he exited the bathroom with a handful of free toiletries and they almost collided painfully. “Then I’ll take two weeks off.” But that same night Die called, enthusiastic about a song he’d written so suddenly, and Kaoru found himself offering to at least get together in the studio to give it a little more definition – Shinya and Toshiya definitely had to be there, too. Kyo insisted they wait for the lyrics and try to compose a workable form of the song to come back to after their vacation, which would be postponed for a few days. Days turned to weeks as Kyo came out with two versions, Kaoru making a remix, Die becoming overall elated, the single debuting at number four in the Oricon. In the meantime Gackt made three commercials, a calendar, had re-released a single and taken trips to Taiwan and Korea…
Four months later Kaoru looked at Gackt apologetically as they cooked, *tried* to cook dinner for two together; it was one of those rare cidecidental free nights and Gackt wanted Italian fare straight out of a cookbook. Kaoru’s hair was brown now – they’d gone to the same colorist. “I don’t think we’ll be having a break.”
Gackt blinked. He saw Kaoru’s serious expression and then he understood what he meant; he smiled and shuffled the top of his head, making Kaoru frown and try to swat his hand away – and this is how all the caviar and the artichokes ended up on the floor. As the penne was boiling, in a failed attempt not to lose his shirt – literally – Kaoru’d recklessly sliced straight through his own apron with a tomato knife and horrified Gackt right out of his affectionate mood.
“By the way,” Kaoru said later, after he had been ushered out of the kitchen for burning Gackt’s gourmet main course and dumping *way* too much chili flakes on the pasta sauce, the two of them huddled over cup noodles in front of the TV. “I found something at the studio from earlier on.” He took out a blue envelope, the one he’d gotten during the concert, and handed it to Gackt, who had that dreamy expression on his face as usual.
Gackt plucked the card out and read the hiragana neatly written on it.
“O-kae-ri Na-sai.”
Kaoru closed his eyes, simply listening to his voice. After a while he asked him to read it again.
They finished the meal in silence, Gackt turning off the TV and the lights, Kaoru disposing of the foam cups. The pots and pans and the inedible gunk splattered on his kitchen walls could wait; after filling the saucepans with water he left them and headed for the balcony, finding Gackt standing there, smoking. He fished a cigarette from Gackt’s shirt pocket and they shared a light.
Tonight there was no moon - Kaoru leaned over the railing, letting the wind sing to him in soothing tones, enjoying the view of the stars taking center stage nonetheless. “Tadaima,” he said quietly.

Gackt looked at him in faint surprise; he licked his lips then simply looked away. And laughed.
“Kaoru.” Gackt held his hand; he squeezed it slightly.

“Okaeri.”

Owari ~+~
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Tsuki Wa Ore No Sayonara