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Choose	By : Lewainam Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Metallica Views: 1734 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Metallica. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Choose
- 1
Title: Choose
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not owe any member or former member of Metallica. Too bad for me.
Summary: (After St. Anger release) James has more issues he’s still working through.
Feedback: Ooohh!! Lovely. ((())) ((()))
Message: I’m sorry its taken me so long to finally get back to this story. i lost my stories and i'm trying to get them all back...here's this one so far...a little bit updated cause I didn't quite like the way it was before. :)

The room was packed with people. From friends to execs to horny chicks. All of them smiling and laughing and just plain having a good time. I was among them. We had just played a kick ass show, are first show of the tour. Adrenaline still pumped through my veins and I chatted away with some strange guy about how he thought things were going. I didn’t care, as long as I had something to do. I had too much energy to keep quiet and still.

There were a few good looking women and a few good looking men wandering around the room. I eyed some of them but kept my attention on the conversation around me. But I couldn’t stop the quick thought that I hoped a certain band member stayed clear of most of those women...and the booze on the table. Yeah, everyone knew about James’ rehab but it still didn’t seem to stop the amount of alcohol thrown in our faces. Worry crept down my spine and my eyes searched the room for James.

It’s not like I didn’t have faith in James. I did, or I told myself I did. I looked at my friend and saw strength and control there, but then I had seen those things in James Hetfield before he let us know he was checking into rehab. James was good at fooling people. I knew that half of what James let you see was for show, it came with the territory of our professions. I could say the same for myself. But James had become exceptionally good at that part. At evading what he didn’t want to confront. James saw what he saw and showed you what he wanted you to see. Nothing more did he give. The things that were revealed in their group sessions after the rehab amazed me. I hadn’t known so much about both James and Lars. But James seemed to become a different person. He had hid everything so well.

My eyes found James after a little search. James was leaning against a wall on the far side of the room, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Nobody was bothering him and I didn’t blame them. James never really liked these kind of after parties, where the business mixed with the pleasure. He just wanted to play then come back and hang out with people he knew, not answer the same question over and over again then be misquoted in tomorrows paper. At least, that’s how James saw it. I didn’t totally agree, but I knew where James was coming from on that.

I searched the room for my other band mates. I found Lars in the center of a large group of people. Center of attention...as usual. Rob was talking with some fans, a much smaller group then the one Lars had. Then my eyes swept back to James who was talking with someone now. A woman who seemed to be pressing closer then James wanted. I watched as James shook his head, grimaced and then retreated out of the room.

Normally, before his rehab, I would have written it off as just one of James’ bad moods. But most recent days I had tried to notice cracks in my band mates. Where their vulnerabilities were so maybe I could help them with it. Or maybe find a problem before it turned into a problem. These last few months had us all worrying over each other it was sickening, but I still couldn’t stop the worry from creeping in on me at watching James’ strange behavior. I would say I was being a good friend, but James would say I was being a “dick”. Which Phil had informed me of was one of James’ ways of denying his weakness. But that was something James had to overcome...or some such thing.

“Yeah, that’s how I saw it!” the brown headed man with blue eyes said excitedly. The not so hansom man beside him nodded along and smiled. His teeth were crooked and sharp which reminded me of a shark. My guess is he was some exec. The man who they were agreeing with turned to me. He had spiked up dark hair, leather cuffs around his wrists with dull plastic spikes and an easy smile. But the youthful look didn’t match the age in his eyes. He was somebody important. I didn’t know who, but he was somebody.

“What do you think, Mr. Hammett?” he asked me. I couldn’t have remembered what they had been talking about for the life of me.

“Uhh...I completely agree,” I said and smiled when he laughed and the others join him, continuing where they had left off. Whatever.

“I’m sorry, but if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the little boys room,” I said and it took me a full five minutes to make my escape with all their congratulations and requests to get together and have lunch some day.

I made it through the crowd with quick thinking and quick feet that I didn’t know I possessed. A smile was on my face as I finally made it to the exit that James had used. It lead into a hallway with a few people standing outside. A camera flash went off along with excited voices asking me to sign things. I apologized to them for not being able to as I practically jogged passed them. Now which way did James go?

Making my way down the hallway I recognized Paul, a man in the crew. I stopped in front of him.

“Did you see where James went?” I asked.

“He just came by here a few minutes ago. Don’t know where he we was going, sorry dude,” he answered but I was already on my way again.

The hallway was the bare type of hallway that inhabits most stadiums they played in. A dull white that never seemed to get cleaned. It all looked the same and I felt that I was only getting myself lost. James could have run off anywhere. Maybe he had headed back to the hotel. I figure there was a good chance he had. It was useless looking around this place anyway. I didn’t feel like heading back to the “party” so I head to the locker room we used before the show with directions from Paul as he came passed me on his way out. I had to pick up a few things like my wallet and keys, very important, before I headed back to the hotel.

I felt I needed to talk to James, but I really had no idea how I was going to go about it. I tried to think of a plan as I hummed a tune to myself. Music always helped me think, even humming. I stepped around the corner and took two steps into the locker room before I stopped. The last bit of the tune seemed to get caught in my throat, creating a lump I couldn’t breathe around.

James was across the room and he hadn’t yet noticed me. He was leaning against a wall with his eyes closed and head tilted back. His hair was clinging to his forehead with sweat and his mouth was open enough to see his tongue press against his top front teeth. James had his jeans open enough to let his cock out, which was held tight in his fist. James was jerking himself off with a quick and hard rhythm. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even move. My eyes were fixed on the sight before me. It was hot, seeing James like this.

There had been times where they had all had maybe a quick jerk session in the showers after a show or something. But seeing this, it was somehow different. James thought nobody was around. This was more intimate, no outside influences. I stood there for what had to be half a minute or more before I realized I was just standing in the middle of this room watching James masturbate. I had to either sneak back out of there or let James
know I was there, which would lead to either being bitched at or an awkward apologizing conversation.

“You know there are plenty of women out there who would be more then happy to take care of that for you, right?” I smile. I was never for the easy way out I guess.

James cursed in surprise and almost tripped over his own feet. I couldn’t help but laugh which seemed to make James stumble even more.

“Jesus Christ, Kirk!” he growled. He turned his back to me as he quickly tried to straighten himself. I heard the zipper to his jeans and made my way across the room. Instead of turning to face me though James kept his back to me and his head down. This was odd. Cause James didn’t embarrass easy.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” I said. “But I needed to get my stuff.”

James nodded and leaned his side against the wall still facing the other direction. I wasn’t going to get anything from him this way. He seemed content to let me get my things and get out.

“You alright?” I asked. He nodded again and turned so his back was against the wall. He was breathing pretty heavy and his eyes were closed, cheeks flushed. A thought occurred to me then. Probably a very much arousal fueled thought, but a thought none the less, that seemed to be a good one. I moved closer to James and put my hand on his shoulder. His body tensed but he didn’t open his eyes. I could see he was in need of some, let’s say, help and I had never thought of James as unattractive. Maybe it’d be fun. I’m always up for a bit of fun. Besides, it wasn’t like we had never done this type of thing before. In the older days...when chicks weren’t every way they looked.

“James, you remember back in ‘85,” I asked in a soft voice. James’ nostrils flared and he pushed back against the wall. He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me. His eyes were a bright blue that seemed to shine with the need in his body.

“This isn’t ‘85, Kirk,” he said in a deep voice.

“I know, I know,” I quickly assured him but moved my hand to his crotch anyway. James let out a sharp breath but then opened his mouth to protest. That was right before I went to my knees in front of him.

“Kirk, c’mon man, this ain’t fucking funny,” he said. I turned my eyes up to his.

“I’m not joking,” I said. He opened his mouth again but I started undoing his jeans again. The moment my fingers touched his flesh his mouth clamped shut and his head fell back against the wall. James adopted a stance that mirrored his stance when I had walked in here.

His cock was hard and ready when I pulled it out. James let out a sigh and seemed to relax. I smiled and ran my hands up his jean clad legs, they spread wider. I put a hand flat against his stomach, and felt the muscles twitch as my other hand encircled his cock. And for the first time I actually did wonder why James just hadn’t had one of those women lend him her services. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Why retreat back to the locker room and jerk off alone?

James put a hand on my shoulder, his fingers got a good grip, and I was forced to let that thought go. I was a little rusty at this so I took my time by taking James’ cock into my mouth. Learning the feel of it. The smell coming from James was almost overwhelming this close to its source. It wasn’t bad, mind you, but strong. Just like I remembered it which made me smile again. His taste was also strong and exactly the same as I remembered.

The tip of his cock touched the back of my throat and James’ fingers clenched tighter on my shoulder. I didn’t mind. I remembered it like this. James pressed against a wall, desperate and practically begging. He would always be a bit rough, it was in his nature. A hand gripping my hair or a hand forcing my head down on him. It felt like old times again and I loved it. I felt comfortable.

I had James panting in no time. His chest heaved and a hand snaked behind my head, his fingers curled hairs around them tightly. It felt good. I felt good. I realized I didn’t want it to end. But it did. James grunted a warning and then he came. His cock twitched against my tongue and then warm seed hit the back of my throat. I moaned around his erection, remembering that James seemed to like that. He jerked and let out a groan as he spent himself. I sighed and pulled his cock out of my mouth.

James suddenly hauled me up by the collar of my shirt. I grabbed onto his arm for support as I was pushed back against the wall he was just against. His face was close to mine and he was breathing heavy still. His eyes were lidded heavily, those blue orbs dark and steamy. I tried to keep my eyes on his but he leaned his forehead against the wall and all I could see was the side of his face. But I could feel his breath against my neck. It was warm and moist, I tried not to lean too far into it. Something about it didn’t remind me of those past encounters. Those had always been for more release then anything. Never anything too personal or too intimate.

James ran his fingers down my neck to my abdomen. I didn’t move and worked at keeping my breathing shallow. James pressed his shoulder against mine to hold me against the wall. As if he were afraid I’d try to leave. His hand skated over the front of my pants and my cock twitched. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feel and sounds. James’ breath seemed louder. The pull at the button on my pants seemed a tug. James worked my cock out of my pants finally and I tried to push his body away a little to get some more leverage but he wasn’t cooperating. He wrapped his large hand around my erection and kept his shoulder pressed hard into me. I wasn’t going to complain too much.

His thumb rubbed against the tip and I knew then I wasn’t going to last very long. It was a shame really, cause a situation like this doesn’t come along too often. Especially nowadays. I gasped when he began a rhythm, his fingers tight and warm against me. He kept it going until I was close. His breath was hot against the my neck. Moist warmth hit my skin which made me shiver. Then I felt him push closer to me. I felt him press into my body. His face burrowed closer to my neck. I was on the edge. He knew it. But I didn’t know exactly what was going on until his lips were on my skin. The tickling of his facial hair registered first and sent goose bumps along my skin. Then his warm lips. His teeth scraped softly against my throat. Then a littler harder. His breathing was harsh, mirroring my own.

“James, fuck,” I heard myself pant. James jerked me off relentlessly. Then his lips, teeth, and prickly moustache came back down on my neck. The sensations went straight to my cock and sent me over the edge. I groaned loudly and couldn’t feel any part of my body except for my crotch. James rubbed his thumb over the head again and I shivered. Feeling returned to me and the only reason I could still stand was because I was propped up against the wall. James stayed still, his breaths hit my ear. We were like that for a little while. Long enough for James’ shoulder to get uncomfortable digging into me. I shifted my feet. James let out a long breath and then tapped his forehead on the wall.

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself, I was sure. I turned my head to look at him but his eyes were closed. “Its too much,” he whispered again. “I can’t do this anymore.” He wasn’t talking to me. But I opened my mouth to say something, apologize...something. But James pulled away from me. I watched as he grabbed a small table with bottles of water lined up on it and tipped it over with a roar.

“James?” I said in surprise. He kicked a couple bottles that had fallen at his feet and then stormed out of the room. I was left shocked. I had no clue what had just happened. I had come in with the intention of talking with James and maybe helping with something but it seemed I had only fucked that something up. This wasn’t good at all.

I straightened myself up, grabbed my things, and then headed out. I needed to talk with Lars.

Lars wasn’t hard to find. But I did have to think of a way to get him away from all those people he had crowded around him. It wasn’t too difficult to get his attention and make a serious enough gesture that he took notice and cut his conversation short. He walked over to me and I pulled him along beside me.

“What the hell did you want me for?” Lars asked.

“I’d rather talk about it somewhere more private,” I said. Lars grumbled under his breath. We were getting near the exit. We headed out and got in the limo that was waiting for us.

When Lars got in he sat across from me and crossed his arms. He raised his eyebrows at me.

“So?” he settled back against the seat with a look that said nothing I could tell him would be important enough for what I had interrupted.

I cleared my throat, “Its about James,” I began. Then I told him what had happened, from noticing James running out of the party to James storming out of the locker room, without leaving too much out. Lars stared at me.

“Come on, Kirk, what is this? Some sort of joke?” he asked.

“I’m serious!,” I said. Lars looked at me and sighed. Then he turned and looked out the window.

“We can‘t go through this shit again,” he said softly. “James can’t go through this shit again!” He turned to me and I was shocked. His eyes were hurt, I could almost imagine tears in them.

I shook my head, “I don’t think its the same thing. I think its something else.”

Lars wiped at an eye and turned to the window again. “It better be.” There was a silence then. “I’ll talk to him, see what’s going on.” I nod. That’s what I had been hoping for.

Yeah, we were all much more Talky talky...but to sit down with James alone and try bring up this...wasn’t something I was up for. And to bring it up in one of their sessions...that didn’t seem too promising either.

The next morning when the four of us are piled into the limo to get to airport I gave Lars a questioning look. He only shrugged and rolled his eyes toward James. What in the hell was I supposed to make out of that? I could only get in the limo and remain silent. Rob followed me. He looked like he had at least gotten some sleep. I hadn’t. I didn’t know if it had to do with what happened with James or just a restless night. James stuffed his tall frame into the door and sat across from me, beside Rob. Lars was the last to get in. It was quiet.

I saw James glance up at Lars a couple times. He would shrug his shoulders and look out the window after each glance. Then Lars would give a dramatic sigh and stare out his own window. Something was going on. I guessed that Lars had talked with James.
James suddenly cleared his throat and I looked up at him. He had all of our attention it seemed. Even Rob looked at him expectantly. James looked to each of us and tapped his knees with his fingers.

“Just tell them, James,” Lars said and crossed his arms. I was interested. Rob leaned a little closer.

“What is it man?” he said.

“Uhh...I got something to tell you guys,” he said. His eyes landed on mine and stayed there longer then necessary. “I’m...I’m gay.”

The air left my lungs. I was speechless and breathless. I watched in a stupor as Rob patted James on the back. Lars nodded knowingly, approvingly, and James let out a deep breath. He looked to me but diverted his eyes too quickly for me to tell what he was thinking. I didn’t hear what he and Rob were saying to each other. My mind was a blur of thoughts.

Gay. James Hetfield...gay. The thought had crossed my mind a few times over the years. But to classify The Mighty Hetfield as gay was something I could never make my mind believe. Gay. But what about all the women, I asked myself. What about the lecture I had gotten that one time I tried to kiss him? What about James’ entire life?! It all seemed to contradict James’ last statement. 20 years I’ve known him and never had I seen him “with” a guy. There were the in band things, but nothing to label him plainly gay. I couldn’t grasp this.

My eyes caught James’. He hit his knuckles on his knees a couple times then looked out the window. He didn’t turn his head back toward me for the rest of the ride. Lars and Rob seemed fine with James’ announcement. I felt a bit angry and deceived. James had done it again. He had hidden his real self to the point where I now felt I hadn’t known him at all. All the times I had let myself daydream. Those moments he had touched me, and I had let my mind wonder on if he was maybe into guys. How I would seduce him...get him to beg for me. But they had been dreams, hopes, fantasies. I knew they would never come true. James was straight...until now. Now he was gay. It was all a fucking lie and now I was pissed.

And then my mind wandered back to the night before. James turning away from all the women. Alone in the locker room jerking off. Embarrassed by me catching him. James pressing me into the wall. His lips on my neck. His teeth. His breathing, god, his breathing in my ear. He had never done anything like that before. Then him freaking out and mumbling to himself. “I can’t do this anymore.” That’s what he had said...

“What was that?” James asked me quietly. I blinked and stared at my surroundings. We were on the plane. Fuck. I hadn’t even realized we had gotten to the airport. I must have been really out of it.

“Nothing,” I mumbled. I must have said that last part out loud. I looked away from him. How we had gotten seated across from each other I didn’t know.

James eyed me strangely and fingered the pages from the magazine he had in his lap. I watched his fingers bend the edge of the page down and then flatten it back out.

“I didn’t think you’d take it badly. You’re the most open in the band,” James said even more quietly then he had before. I shrugged my shoulders. This was not the place to have this talk. I wanted to question James. Ask him why he had lied for so long, but couldn’t do it here.

“This about yesterday?” he asked. I still watched his fingers. They were still but I couldn’t look up at his face. “You’re pissed? Why?” Suddenly his hands whirled into motion. The magazine came flying at me and landed on my chest. “Fuck, Kirk! What the fuck do you want me to say?”

“Why did you lie for so long about it?” I asked him, making sure my voice was quiet enough not to be heard very across the seats. He blinked at me and leaned back in his seat. He shrugged.

“I didn’t want to ruin the Metallica name...I guess. I didn’t think I was gay was another part,” he explained. His voice was for me and me alone. I leaned closer. “I could fool myself. I could try to force myself to not be...gay.”

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

“Before recently I had an imagination. When I was with some chick I would go somewhere else up here,” he pointed to his head. I nodded. “It was for Metallica I think...in the end. It began for just myself. My father wouldn’t had ever looked at me again if I came out while he was still alive.”

I nodded again and this time felt a bit of sympathy. “But still, why lie to yourself?”

James looked down, “I didn’t want to be this,” he said. “I didn’t. I tried to be something else instead.”

“So, last night,” I began.

“Was nothing, Kirk,” James smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m not any different then I was before. You’re safe around me.”

“Yeah, alright,” I forced myself to smile.

James sat back in his seat and closed his eyes with a sigh. I turned to stare out the window. I watched the clouds roll by for what seemed like hours. Yeah, cool. James was gay and I suddenly couldn’t get him out of my head. I fell asleep but was woken by a dream of James. He had been over me, his fingers tangled in my hair pulling my head back. He had a grin on his face as he descended and his teeth sunk into my neck.

Three days and two gigs later I found myself sitting at a table in a local restaurant across from James. I had a nice salad on my plate and he had a slab of dead cow bleeding in front of him. I almost lost my appetite watching him cut into the meat. I needed to talk. And only one subject really possessed my mind.

“You ever...you know, get with anybody?” I asked. James stopped chewing mid bite and looked up at me. He blinked and finished the bite. I watched it travel down his neck.

James took up a glass of water and nodded before he took a gulp of it.

“All this time, and I never had any clue,” I said shaking my head.

“Yeah, well, I had to keep it secret,” James answered. He frowned down at his steak and stuck his fork into it.

“When did you realize you were...?” I stopped and looked around. No use saying it out loud. Didn’t need to draw eyes for James‘ sake.

James shook his head and shrugged. Being the non-communicative person that he was.

“You have to know. Who was the first guy?” I asked with a sudden and overpowering urge to hear all the details about this subject. Like who this guy was or better yet, who the guy he had been seeing was.

James shrugged again and his knife sawed roughly into his slab of steak. “Uhhh…I don’t remember his name.”

“You don’t remember his name!?” I was completely shocked.

James’ eyes snapped up to meet mine but he looked away quickly. His attention turning back to his food. “It wasn’t like it was very memorable.”

“Alright then, who was this other guy? The guy you were with?” I sipped a bit of water from my glass as I waited for the answer.

James’ eyes narrowed and he poked his fork into this steak again. I noticed that he hadn’t taken a bite of his food for awhile now.

“James?”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” he said quietly.

“Why not?”

“Because.”

I was getting a bit pissed at James always having to hide shit from me. “James, why can’t you just tell me?”

“Jason.”

“What?”

James let his fork and knife fall from his fingers and leaned back in his chair. It was a defeated slouch he had in his shoulders. He repeated, “Jason.”

“Newsted?”

James nodded, “Jason.”

I laughed.

It was the only thing I could do. Jason. Jason fucking Nested. James was such a bastard. I laughed a bit harder and shut my eyes. This was just another slap in the face. I got the sudden feeling that I would never really know who the hell James Hetfield was. The thing about it was is that I had no idea why it made my chest feel so hollow.

James glanced around and then looked back at me. He scratched his cheek and nervously let a small smile creep onto his face.

“Who are you?” I asked when my laughter subsided.

“What?”

“Goddamn, James.” My voice was hard and I didn’t know when my grip on the fork had become so tight. The smile on his face was gone.

“Kirk?”

“Jason? For how long?”

James shrugged and seemed to search for the answer. “I don’t know, maybe four years.”

Four years. Four years!?

“Four years?” I sputtered.

James nodded. “About that, yeah.”

“You lied to us for four years?”

James opened his mouth but shut it after second thought. And suddenly my heart sank even further.

“This had something to do with Jason leaving Metallica, didn’t it?” I asked.

“Kirk, just drop it.” James took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead.

“This is un-fucking-believable,” I spat.

“Is it?!” James shot back.

“Yes! How long were you planning on keeping this secret, James? You’ve been lying to us all along. What are the real reasons behind Jason leaving?”

James looked over his shoulder and kept silent.

“Answer me, damnit!” I shouted. I knew it was too loud. James jerked in surprise and the entire restaurant fell silent for a few seconds as everyone stared at me in shock. I was too lost in how angry I was that I barely noticed and leaned forward over the table to whisper to James. “You answer me right now.”

“What does it matter, Kirk? He’s gone on to other things.” James looked into my eyes and I couldn’t stand him any longer.

“Look, I’m going to go back to the hotel,” I said, standing up. “I’ll…I’ll see you later, I guess.”

I didn’t wait for his goodbyes to leave. I just walked off. I left him there confused and hopefully feeling bad about himself. That bastard.

An hour later I was dialing a familiar number into my cell phone. I had to find out the truth. It was like these secrets James had were eating away at me. The only way to stop it was to talk to the source.

“Kirk?” Jason’s voice on the other end of the phone.

“Jason, how’s life?” I asked.

Jason laughed softly on the other end. “Its pretty good. Man, good to hear your voice though.”

I smiled despite my eagerness to get to the topic on my mind.

“Good to hear your voice too.”

“So, what can bring you to be calling me?” he asked and I suddenly missed Jason. His voice was just so joyful. Something I probably missed the most about Jason being out of the band now.

I decided not to beat around the bush and get straight to the point.

“Well, I recently had a talk with James.”

“Yeah?” Jason didn’t sound alarmed. But then he didn’t know the reasoning behind my call yet.

“Yeah,” I hesitated. Now that it had come to the moment I couldn’t quite figure out how to ask Jason anything.

Jason let the pause go on to the point of embarrassment for me, then he spoke. “And in this talk with James…what was discussed maybe?”

“He told me about you two,” I blurted before I could talk myself out of it. There was a long silence on the other end. But I waited. I wanted Jason’s reaction.

“He told you?” Jason asked slowly. His voice was soft and I barely heard him.

“Yeah.”

“That son of a bitch!” Jason cursed. His voice wasn’t soft anymore. I didn’t know quite what to say.

“Its true right?” I asked.

There was another long pause. I waited again.

“Yes. Its true.”

I felt suddenly triumphant. I didn’t know why really. Just that I did.

“I can’t believe that asshole!” Jason mumbled.

“What? Asshole?”

“Nothing.” Jason sounded upset. “It doesn’t matter now.”

I found myself confused. I had no idea what Jason was talking about. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“I’m going to go, Kirk.”

I heard the click before I had a chance to say goodbye. Jason didn’t even say goodbye. It didn’t matter though. I was justified in my being angry at James. He was a liar. That should have made me feel better.
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