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Untitled	By : cresc Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1086 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Don't own them and blah blah blah blah.

Can’t you see me?

I’m here, right in front of you.
“I’m here!” I scream. ”Notice me!”
It’s me. The man you once claimed to love.
~*~
I look at you. My eyes wander on your milky skin, dark lashes touching your cheekbones, pouty lips slightly parted, your chest rising in slow rhythm. I brush a strand of blonde hair from your cheek. Your lashes flutter a bit and you open your eyes slowly. I let my fingers travel the line of your jaw.

“Good morning.” Your eyes are closed again and a silent sigh escapes your lips. I lean forward, pressing my lips lightly on yours. Your hand makes it’s way to mine, still holding your chin gently, and you entwine our fingers. Your lips taste always so sweet, your scent lingering around me.

“Kaoru?” I nod. You rest your head on my chest. “I’m so happy.” It feels like butterflies are fluttering their wings in my stomach.
I’m so happy too.
~*~
“Kyo… Wait, I need to talk to you.” You pull your jacket on and look at me with a questioning look on your face.

“What’s wrong?” You walk close to me and caress my face and neck with your fingers. Without thinking I lean to the touch.

“It’s us… We never talk anymore. I miss you.” I wrap my hands around your waist and pull you close to me, your arms go around my neck as you hug me.

“I have to go now”, you whisper, “Guys are waiting for me in the bar. Let’s talk tonight, ok?” I let go of you and you walk quickly to the door, but before you step to the hall, you turn to me and blow me kiss. “Love you.”

“I...” The door closes with a loud thud. “Love you too.”
Everything is going to work out. I’m sure.

Tonight everything will get better.

Ï wait.
And wait.
…and wait.
Your “tonight” has gone two hours ago.
But I wait.

Finally you come. Drunk.

“Kaoru! You shouldn’t have…” You fall against the wall as you try to fight your shoes off. “…waited for me.” You offer me a drunken smile.

I am angry. I walk to our bedroom and undress myself. I lay on the bed and pull a blanket over me as I hear your cursing from the bathroom. I hear your steps come closer and you fall to bed, right beside me. Your fingers feel cold and sticky against my skin. Will this be what I’ll get from now on? No gentle caresses, no sweet whispers, just cold touches and drunken mumble to get what you want.

“You are so be-“

“You don’t have to tell me I’m beautiful. Let me sleep.” I push your hand away and close my eyes.
~*~
You had promised to go shopping with Toshiya after practise, so I had the whole day to myself, and knowing you, the whole night too.

I decided to go to the small coffee shop near our studio.

The coffee is great here, I must admit. It’s dark and strong enough to keep me awake. I just don’t have energy anymore. The second I get home I just want to collapse on the bed and sleep. But I always end up making dinner or cleaning or… just doing anything but rest. Why couldn’t you just once make me stop playing the role of a housewife and make me rest for a while? We could watch TV on the couch or have a bath together or… Gods, I’m such a woman. Shut up and be a man.

Suddenly I feel a light tap on my shoulder. It takes only a second for me to understand who the man next to me it.

“Hiro!” My first lover. I nod him to take the seat opposite mine, I’m still surprised.

“Kaoru… It’s been so long.”

Even when there’s nothing between us now, except friendship, we hold each other like we used to so long time ago while we talk. Why can’t these arms around me be yours? Why can’t those sweet words be said by your lips?

“I just feel lonely, I guess.” Hiro’s fingers brush my hair in calming way and I lean to the touch. I guess this is what we both need, sweet false comfort.

“I love him… more than anything I’ve ever loved and yet… he hurts me all the time. I can’t remember when I’ve been this miserable. He just forgets me, I don’t exist for him unless there’s something he wants from me.” I let the slow rhythm of his breath calm me. It always feels so natural to be with him like this. “I’m sorry… I’ve been talking about Kyo for gods know how long. You must be bored to death.” He shakes his head and strokes my hair.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, one should never excuse their existence. That’s who they are and frankly, I quite like the way you are.” He offers me a playful smirk and I can’t help but to smile back.

Is this what it feels like to be cared?
~*~
Fuck you, Kyo.

I watch the table in front of me; two candles, two glasses of wine, dinner I spent hours to make. And you didn’t come.

I take some food to my plate, but suddenly I’m not hungry at all. My mind says that I should eat, so I empty the plate and put it in the sink.

I can hear your steps from the door, key turns in the lock and you step in. I’m so frustrated and angry, I just want to scream. Again you have ruined everything I worked for.

But then you step in the kitchen and offer me that sweet smile of yours and there’s nothing I can do. I melt. All the anger is gone, all the disappointment just disappeared.

“Kaoru… I’m so sorry I’m late… You must hate me now.”

“No… No, I could never hate you. I love you.” All I want to do is hold you close and feel you against me. You walk close to me and I lean forward to give you a gentle kiss on your lips. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

No, you didn’t. You never do.
~*~
Hiro opens the door and greets me with a wide smile.

“I’m so glad you could make it.” He leads me to his living room and puts the music on. He sits on his couch and I sit on the armchair opposite it.

He went to study in France. I couldn’t hold him back and we both knew we couldn’t live in a long-distance relationship. He cried when we said goodbyes in the airport. Things could have been great between us.

He tells me how his company is doing and how he’s so stressed out. I tell him how I understand what he’s saying and that I’m so stressed too over the new album.

We both fall in our own thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about you even for one second, I guess you’ve really got me wrapped around your finger. Suddenly clear voices of violins fill the room. I look at Hiro and raise my eyebrow. ‘Tango?’ He gives me a playful smirk and stand up from his seat.

“May I ask you to dance with me?” He offers me his hand and I shake my head. I can’t hold back a laugh.

“You’re crazy.” I say. He just smiles at me and takes my hand, pulling me up against him. “So all the Europeans dance tango, then?”

“No, just the ones that have too much free time.” His smile is always so sweet and real that I want to smile too. His other hand still keeps mine in a gently hold and his other finds its way to my waist.

“Hiro! Stop! I don’t even know the steps!” I can help it, I’m laughing as he spins me around the room and finally I give in, I just move with him and let him guide me around the room.

“You don’t have to. Let’s make our own.” He looks so happy until I step on his foot and he lets out a small whimper.

“Oops…” I blush and wonder if he’s ok. He just keeps moving and offers me a smile. Our so called “dancing” isn’t too smooth but I can’t remember the last time I had this fun. Suddenly he slows down and pulls me even closer to himself. He leans forward and kisses me gently and I return the kiss. I don’t feel a thing. I just remember how your full lips feel against mine, that’s all that matters to me.

“I love you, Kaoru.” He whispers. I rest my head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Hiro…” We stand like that in the middle of his living room for minutes, silently comforting each other.
~*~
“I don’t want this anymore.” My voice sounds so weak.

“What?” There’s a slight concern in your eyes, you know what’s happening.

“Us.” I manage to make my voice sound confident and calm, but inside I’m breaking to pieces. It hurts so much, but I promised myself I would do this. You don’t love me anyway… This doesn’t hurt you that much.

“Kaoru, please, don’t.” You look so confused and weak. “There’s been so much stress and… I can’t take this. My life is a total mess now.”

“What about my life, Kyo? Do you think I’m not tired? Do you think I’m not stressed? Why can’t you think about me even for a second.” My voice breaks, but I manage to calm myself enough to say what I’ve wanted to say. “Kyo… I was always the last in your eyes. You never thought of me first… even when I gave you everything I had.” You collapse against the wall.

“Kaoru, don’t… Forgive me, please. I love you.” How I would love to believe you. Your eyes look puffy and red, but you don’t shed a tear.

“I need better than this, Kyo. I’m breaking inside and you don’t even try to heal the wounds.” I have never hurt this much. My heart makes a twist upside-down and I gasp a breath.

“It was crazy to want is, even for a while. I thought my love for you would change you.”

You look so weak on the floor. I just want to walk to you and embrace you until you would stop shaking. I would kiss your forehead and caress your cheeks. I would hold you against my chest.
But I don’t.
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