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Shokubeni	By : kaokun Category: > Kaoru/Die Views: 1185 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1--Shokubeni-
- 1
Title: -Shokubeni-
Author: kaokun
Summary: What happens when you simply aren't made for each other? Or else, what happens when you love each other too much?...
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Die/Kaoru
Genre: sap...if that'd be a genre
Feedback: very welcome ^__^
Betas: snoozing_kitten
Author’s notes: I actually don't know why I called this 'Shokubeni'. The lyrics seem just slightly fitting, but have you ever heard the live version? The part where Kyo sings a cappella? There's an intensity in that part...everytime I listen to it I get goosebumps all over. I think I wanted that intensity in the story, I hope I achieved it even if the mood lightens up when Die's and Kaoru's history togehter is described.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No money is being made. I don't own the characters mentioned, unless I note else. "Shokubeni" is a song owned by Dir en grey.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Shokubeni

Kategorize. It's a garden with no pulse.
People's voices all bunched up. A small girl, a dreamer who sells her body.

It starts.

A girl inside the box. Inside the box. When will she come out?
A girl inside the box. Inside the box. It's the demon's feast.

A dream is a dream, inside the delicate dream the little girls dreams of.

Kategorize
Who's back is it? The back of a small figure that dreams?

It starts.

Even if they kill the voice or hide in the dark, who's back is it going to be tonight?
Tomorrow, again the night will lead to hell, where the bright demons hide...

A girl inside the box. Inside the box. When will she come out?
A girl inside the box. Inside the box. It's the demon's feast.

***
(Kaoru’s POV)

Your punches are hard. I stumble backwards. You are trying desperately to hurt me –physically. However, that is still nothing compared to the deadly glare in your troubled eyes.

I know.

You are hurting. Bleeding from the inside. Emotions blazing behind these coffee orbs of yours.

I saw it all along but was too dumb to react. Maybe even too proud.

You know me probably better than anybody else. I let you crawl through that well built façade I worked so strong on keeping up – and you managed to shatter it in mere seconds. One of your toothy smiles and I was mesmerized. Did you notice how I hung on your pouty lips, savouring every spoken syllable escaping through them?
Every time we’re having a live, you lick these two reddish lines of yours while fluttering with your skilled hands over the neck of your red guitar.

I do that, too. You told me once.

And minutes afterwards we were screwing each other senseless in the backstage area.

Back then I loved the pain you inflicted upon me. Entering me, tearing me apart and filling me from the inside out. I felt complete.

But right now you are hitting with your fists against my chest. Trembling and sobbing. Your silken hair is glued to your wet face. Wet because of tears. Tears caused by me.

And as much as I would love to close my arms around your taller form, I cannot. You would not let me. You will never let me again. The only things I’ll get from you are bruises. Hopefully they will hurt me as much as I hurt you.

Just keep on drumming on my chest, throwing your body on me with all your power because I deserve it.

***8 years ago***

“Woohoooo, Kao-chan’s all drunken!” Die danced happily on the table. The world around him slurred as much as his speech, but he was simply too euphoric to care in the drunken state he currently found himself in.

“Am not!” Kaoru sulked. “It needs more than a couple of beers to get me wasted!” The bluehead exclaimed drowning another glass of the liquor.

“Which way do you get wasted the fastest then, huh?” The slim redhead let himself drop in Kaoru’s lap, lifting an eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t you want to know…” Kaoru laughed sliding his arms around Die’s waist.

“Uh-oh…our two lovers want to be alone! They wanna whisper romantic nonsense in each other’s ear before they will run in search for the next best place to have a good fuck!” The lanky bassist squealed in delight, all the while teasing Shinya by picking into his sides. Against his best efforts the auburnhaired man was half asleep due to the alcohol the whole band had been consuming all night, partying the success their first album ´Missa` had made after release.

“Yeah…let’s get going before you lie flat on the table moaning out my name like a prayer ‘Die, fuck me… deeper… harder…uuuh Die-sama!’” The redhead did a bad imitation of Kaoru’s voice, wiggling his hips in the purplehead’s lap.

“Baka”, the smaller man responded flatly while shooing Die out of his lap.

Dumbfounded, Die plopped down on the bench that now seemed far too uncomfortable to sit on. “Kaoru?”

Kaoru stood up and straightened before letting out a lazy yawn. “You don’t want to come?” He offered the redhead one of his small hands.

Die flashed him a big grin and jumped up.

“See you guys tomorrow!”

Together they staggered out of the bar, trying to find the way back to their hotel.

***5 years ago***

“Kao?”

“Huh?” Opening one eye, Kaoru looked at Die. “What is it?”

“Were you asleep already?” The redhead was sitting knees drawn up to his chest on the far end of the couch, while his fellow guitarist took the rest of the comfortable furniture in his possession.

“No…not really.” A long yawn escaped his lips. He chuckled. “Nah…maybe I was.”

“Sorry…”

“For what? Disturbing my beauty sleep? Uh scratch that. I don’t need to look any better than I already do. Toshiya’d get all jealous.” Kaoru flashed him a big grin.

The redhead laughed out loud. “Yes, as if..” He kicked Kaoru’s legs with one of his’ off of the couch. “Don’t want to burst your ego but look into the mirror for once!” Die pointed at his tousled hair and wrinkled clothes.
The purplehead really did not look his best. Heavy bags could be seen under his slanted eyes, the spark in his eyes seemed to have completely disappeared and he looked older…much older. Dir en grey’s leader had some tough months behind him. Recording, shooting, touring. They all were worn out but on Kaoru it was harder. Despite the two week’s break they had taken, he was called into duty. Solving some problems there, sign yet another contract here, give advice, meet with the management.
It was a month’ time till their next tour was about to start and he loaded the whole burden on his shoulders, content with just the fact that his fellow bandmates had time to rest and recover.

Die flinched as he heard the moan that escaped Kaoru’s lips upon sitting up. “Old man”, he said jokingly, giving the smaller man a light punch to his shoulder.

“Yeah, might be I’m having a heart attack any minute…”, the purplehead responded smiling.

The younger guitarist looked at him. You don’t know how much I’d like to help you if you’d only let me… “Lie down.”

Perplexed Kaoru starred at the redhead. “What? You woke me mere seconds ago just to tell me to lie down? Jerk!”

“Stop complaining and draw your lazy ass back onto the couch!” Die guided him softly to lie onto his stomach and crawled on top of the older one, sitting on Kaoru’s legs, his knees shifting the plush pillows of the couch on either side of the purplehead’s hips.

“So what? You’re heavy, Die!”

“And again our dear leader-sama is heard whining like a little kid…” The younger one chuckled and slapped Kaoru’s back playfully.

Kaoru did not know what the redhead had going on in his mind. One minute he would see his chocolate orbs shine with concern and care directed at him and the other he would make a lame joke and cover up again. Die was not himself. No, he was himself…But it seemed like he tried to be more Die than he was, putting on a good masquerade and always appearing to be in a good mood.
But all this thoughts were forgotten as the guitarist felt the most glorious touch on him he had felt in a long time.
Die was kneading his back, working on the knots that had formed there.

Moving his hands up and down Kaoru’s back, Die felt the smaller guitarist relaxing under him. “How’s that, old man?”

Kaoru let his head fall back unto the pillows mumbling some words into the fabric that sounded suspiciously like ´wonderful` .

***4 years ago***

He heard a knock on the door. Tiredly he opened one eye then the other. Sleep clung heavily to him as that he was able to realize he wasn’t going to see anything- for the room was as dark as the night itself.

He looked at the digital clock on his nightstand. The dazzling red numbers were enough to hurt his sleepy eyes. It is fucking 2:00 am!! Who the hell…?

Another knock, this time more demanding, almost desperate.

Groaning, he swung away the blankets he had found himself tussled in. Not bothering to switch on the lights, he stood up, took some steps to where he thought his door was and tripped over his guitar lying carelessly on the floor – thrown away last night together with some music sheets he had been working on. Die limped further into the darkness that was his
room until he was uncomfortably confronted with the wall that kept him away from his destination.

The redhead cursed loudly.

Outside the apartment Kaoru smirked.

“What?!” The door flung open and a rather agitated looking guitarist appeared in the doorway.

“Your vocabulary is impressive as always. And Good Morning to you, too.” The smaller man stated calmly with only a hint of amusement playing around his lips.

Die snorted disapprovingly, standing half naked in front of Kaoru.

“Anou…”, Kaoru shifted his weight from one foot to the other, “Can I come in?”

There was no way he would say what he was about to admit in some cold, dirty corridor with more possible nosey neighbours than one could think of. He stared intently into Die’s eyes,
demonstrating his best ‘I’m leader-sama, crawl at my feet’-look.

The taller guitarist swallowed and nodded. Not able to form coherent words within his sleepy mind, he stepped aside and let the other man pass.

Kaoru eyed the redhead while making himself at home.

Die was wearing only his pyjama bottoms that hung dangerously low on his narrow hips, exposing just so much skin that Kaoru’s imagination was free to guess what lay underneath. His eyes wandered up the toned chest, smooth skin glowing unearthly by the touch of moonlight in the dim lit room, begging to be touched, caressed and sucked on.

Kaoru shivered inwardly, willing his thoughts away, though his eyes remained glued to the half naked man standing in front of him. The tousled red hair, the sleepy look in those coffee coloured eyes. God, he wanted to ravish him then and there.

He cleared his throat and looked away not wanting to be caught staring. He had known that man for what seemed like forever and all the same he had just begun to realize what made him care so deeply for the light-headed guitarist. Why he wasn’t going to let him go, didn’t want to risk their friendship and most of all he didn’t want him to be hurt by anyone – ever. He wasn’t about to allow that. Unless of course that person would like his throat to be slit open after having been tortured to the point that he was begging for it. Yes, somewhere
deep down he had evil blood flowing in him.

The situation was nerve wrecking. Kaoru was sitting on the couch and now he was kneading his hands nervously. At last he couldn’t take it anymore, he stood up and began to pace the room, running his hand through his dark blond hair- irritated.

The redhead raised an eyebrow. Still standing in the doorframe that led into the living room, he watched his friend. His brain still struggling to remain conscious, and his eyes not yet adjusted to the light he had had to turn on.

“Something happened?” Die asked finally, to break the tense atmosphere that hung thickly in the air. “Want some tea? Water? Alcohol?”

Kaoru stopped abruptly, his eyes lingering on the guitarist. “No”, said flatly.

Die shrugged. “If you say so.”
He made his way to the couch and slumped into it. Calmly watching the guitarist pacing in front of him, apparently struggling for words for his mouth fell open and closed again only to be opened another time. Though, still no words were escaping those lips.

Kaoru stood in the middle of the room looking quite lost. The guitarist became agitated with himself. Damn it! He wasn’t the type to be at a loss for words!

Die grinned. Kaoru was extremely cute when he looked desperate. He Already had an inkling what the other man was trying to say. He had only to wait for Kaoru to get it out– finally.

And he wouldn’t make it easy for him. No way. He was a sadist and loved to tease the blonde far too much – not to mention it was an exceptionally rare chance to catch Kaoru in a moment
of lost control.

Said man shot a sideway glance at the redhead. Die was grinning, Kaoru was startled. He had burst into his apartment in the middle of the night and he was grinning like an idiot? Anything
could have happened, someone could have been truly hurt or the label could have kicked them out or even worse scenarios! But no! The red haired baka sitting in front
of him thought it was funny that he had shown up on his door step at 2:00 in the morning!

Karou became frustrated, he inhaled deeply. Die wasn’t going to make it easy on him?! Fine.

Die startled when he saw a maniac grin appear on Kaoru’s face. His dark orbs blazed with mischief quite suddenly. Kaoru approached him and the redhead tensed up.

“What are you doing?” Die stammered.

Kaoru was standing above him now. Looking down on him, he reached a hand out and touched the redhead’s cheek, biting his lip at the feeling- he had touched this man often - but never like this.

A soft caress. Die’s eyes fluttered shut without him really noticing it. Kaoru’s hand was trailing down the side of his face, memorizing the feeling of smooth skin against his calloused palm. His eyes shot open again- the hand was gone. The lingering feeling of the
touch still tingling on his skin. Now, the warm breath on his lips seemed to have erased
all other thoughts from his mind and there was just the blonde left.
Nothing else was important, nothing but those pouty lips hovering just inches away from his own and the intense gaze that made Die shiver.

Kaoru had moved so that he was now on eye-level with the redhead. Staring into his eyes, he tried to read what the taller man was thinking, but he found nothing in them but his own reflection.

Risking it and taking his chance he crossed the
little distance that was left between them, descending upon Die’s lips. His eyes
fluttered shut. For a moment nothing happened. Kaoru’s heart skipped a beat, he had crossed a line, that was beyond friendship. No going back now.

Die felt lips on his own. Lips. Kaoru’s lips. He blinked. Staring into a face mere inches away from his own.

Still no response and Kaoru was getting desperate. He opened his eyes and moved away to see shocked eyes staring back.

“Sorry”, he mumbled, averting his eyes and straightening up. He had to get out of here - fast.

Slowly it dawned on Die, still shocked and at a loss of what to say, he did the only thing that seemed fitting.

He grabbed the blonde’s wrist and pulled the body into his lap forcefully. Die slid a hand around Kaoru’s waist holding him secure, while the other flew upwards, catching him by the back of his head and pulling him down to crash his lips upon its twin’s.
Kaoru tensed up for a moment but relaxed when he felt Die surrounding him, willing to let the redhead deepen the kiss, he parted his lips. Taking the opportunity, Die let his tongue slip into the other one’s mouth, teasing the flesh he found inside with small, sensual circles, wanting to taste Kaoru so badly.
Kaoru whimpered and clung to Die for all that he was worth. Grabbing the redhead’s hair, he forced them even closer together.

All too soon oxygen became a necessity and the two had to break apart.

“Finally got it, did you?” Die grinned and licked his lips, feeling rather satisfied with himself upon seeing the confused but still dreamy expression on the guitarist’s face.

***3 years ago***

“We’re moving in together…” Die took a long drag from his cigarette and inhaled deeply before the smoke escaped his lips again, drowning him in a cloud of blue-ish grey smoke.

“That serious, huh?!” The skinny bassist was leaning against the wall, snubbing out the last
bit of his cancer-stick and lighting another.

Die just nodded, smiling to himself, eyes apparently following a scene that neither had happened where he was standing nor in the present moment.

Toshiya shifted his weight and turned his body around to face Die, grinning mischievously. “How’s the sex?”

The redhead choked, the cigarette smoke escaping with difficulties trough his respiratory tract, and eyed the seriously interested looking blue haired bishounen. Then regaining his composure, he laughed out hoarsely.

“You can’t even imagine…” said with a promising grin and a horny look written across his face.

The bassist squealed. “More! Don’t stop it like that! Tell me!” He glanced at the madly grinning
guitarist and decided to be a little more direct. “Are you uke?”

The seemingly naïve question made Die’s mouth fall open and the cigarette dangling between his lips just mere seconds ago, dropped to the floor. “What?!”

Toshiya shrugged. “Just thinking…Kaoru is demanding, y’know?”

“But – but…w-what makes you think I…” He gulped.

“Nah…don’t worry…” The bluehead put a supportive hand on Die’s shoulder, smirked and winked. “…I believe in your masculinity.” That said, he dropped his cigarette to the floor and stomped it out with his heel. “I bet they’re already waiting for us in the practice room.” And with swinging hips he made his way down from the rooftop back into the building.

The redhead blinked, once, twice – and dashed after him. “Toshiya! Wait! It’s me! I’m on top! He’s the girl!”

***1 year ago***

Kyo came running around the corner. Shit. Shit. Shit! I’m so fucking late! Nearly stumbling into two of his bandmates standing intimidated in front of the door that leads to their practice room. The small blonde slowed down and as he came nearer to where his friends stood, he heard voices rising. Loud yells screamed at each other from behind closed doors.

”You were the one doing whatever you did last night, not bothering to call me. Don’t make me feel guilty now!”

“They’re fighting again?” Kyo more stated than asked, looking at the door as if it could give answers to unformed questions, then to the grim looking drummer and the nervous bassist.

Shinya nodded at last, pressing his lips into a thin line. “They destroy everything”, he whispered shakily.

Toshiya and Kyo looked up, not daring to agree with him for if they would; it will become clear to them and reality is not a nice thing to accept.

“They let it interfere with the band. We can’t let that happen. They should get a grip on themselves. They should actually try to talk to each other and not yell their vocal chords out.” The auburn haired man balled his hands into fists, as if he were desperately trying to shut out the screams reaching them in a wave of ice-cold hatred.

I did nothing! Nothing! Got that?! I don’t know
what you think of me! Do you really trust me that little?! I don’t screw around, whatever you may think!”

“Die!” A desperate scream. “It was our fucking anniversary!”

Silence.

A sigh. “I knew you’d forget…” said more quietly.

“I’m sorry”, the redhead’s voice was muffled.

”I had everything prepared I made dinner! You know I hate cooking…I was…I meant to…Never mind.”

4 years of love flushed down the gutter.

Words never to be spoken, but the evidence of sealed emotions always carried by his heart. A silver ring still wrapped in the same parcel it was this very evening.

”I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Let’s forget it. It was stupid. I didn’t want to
hurt you or accuse you of anything.”

“I’d never betray you. You’re everything I
have…”

Sobbing was the only the thing that escaped the door that night further. No more screams. No more
accusations.

So entirely devoted to each other, it suffocated them.

***NOW***
(Kaoru’s POV)

Just moments ago I had you touch me – even though you were drumming your fists against my chest. And now I don’t have even that anymore.

I broke you. Finally. Was it that what I wanted? Did I want to break you? I don’t even know. I just wanted to hurt you, I guess. …And I didn’t want to hurt you.

…

I clung to you too much. I needed you too much. You were my everything… You still are.

You are exhausted, I can see. Crying always made you weak. You wouldn’t cry normally. But when you did, it was worse. I hurt you… but I don’t cheer.

I tried the whole time to switch positions. I wanted to be the one you’re after, I wanted to be the one you cling to. I wanted to be the one you need. I felt so weak in your presence. You just took down everything that I was keen on holding up in order to keep myself sane.

Every time I thought you betrayed me, it was my weakness that broke us apart little by little.
I was desperately searching for a flaw to this, to us.

I found your flaw.

It’s me.

Why did you love me anyway? I didn’t deserve it.

Do you still love me?

You’re sitting across the room, the farthest away from me, crumpled together. Knees drawn up to your chest, head lying on top of your knees, arms wrapped protectively around yourself and your body rocks back and forth.

Do you imagine how it would be if I’d hold you now? Rocking you? Taking care of you? Telling you everything will be alright?

It won’t happen.

Nothing’s going to be alright.

We’ve fallen. We’ve landed somewhere deep and black. And now we have to climb up again.

Not ‘we’, but me and you. There isn’t a ‘we’ anymore.

I couldn’t take the way I was dependent on you anymore, you hurt me subconsciously. Maybe you didn’t even want to, but you did. Every time you turned your back on me, a piece of my heart turned black and broke away, nagging on my soul and driving me into nothingness.

I won’t let you do that anymore.

Now, I’m the one who’s going to turn my back on you.

I don’t blame you for the way things turned out. I don’t blame me either. I blame us. We didn’t work properly. Something went missing along the road we travelled on. I still don’t know what that was or is, the mysterious thing that led us together and stayed for a while just to leave us in the end, suffering.

So I’m standing up. Taking a step in your direction. But I know, if I’d go to you now, I won’t be able to get away again.

It’s hard to end it like this. The time just you and me existed and no one came disturbing our little world was probably one of the happier moments in my life. I was truly carefree back then, I couldn’t imagine ever getting hurt in your arms.

I’m a person that is very unsure when it comes to emotions. I don’t trust in my feelings or what they try to tell me. But I do have trust in my actions.
As long as my feelings don’t mess with my rational thoughts, I know what I want and I know what’ll be the right thing to do.

I’m shutting down all the feelings you allured out of me and start thinking rational again - after 4 years.

I look at you. I pity you. I so want to take you into my arms, my heart aches for it.

But I won’t.

I’m turning around and make my way to the door, reach out to grab the door-handle and stop. My knuckles turn white because of the force I’m holding it with. I start trembling.

That’s it.

”Goodbye.”

I close the door behind me and let the tears fall freely.
- 1
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Shokubeni