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Ain't Afraid to Die	By : Totchichan Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 856 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Ain't Afraid to Die
- 1
Disclaimer: I do not own them, even if i'd like to have Totchi...-.-
My very first fanfiction! Hope you'll like it! Review, please! ^o^
(Thanks to Toshide who correct it!)
Ain’t Afraid to Die
‘Totchi, I’m sorry for what I’m going to do, but I can't stand this anymore. This life without you! I always loved you, always...But don't let this take you, I don't want my death to cause you pain, but it's the only way for me to ‘get better’...I love you. Yours forever, your Kyo-chan'
This piece of paper was found near Kyo's lifeless, cold body. found by Toshiya himself.
He looked at the body, watched the cold face, the blue lips. He can't even scream or cry, he just stayed there standing up, looking at Kyo's body hugging the plush that Toshiya had gave him as a friendship sign.
He touch Kyo's body, he touched his arms with the deep cuts, the blood still oozing out of the cut.
He touched the blood, and when he felt it in his hand, he understood. He was a fool, he always loved Kyo. Yet, he preferred the passionate nature of Die, instead of the sweet nature of Kyo, and now he regretted it.
He started screaming, and immediately Die was at his side.
He saw the body, lifeless. Immediately, he calls the hospital. He held Toshiya, but the bassist felt nothing, as if nobody was hugging him at all.
Kaoru and Shinya arrived at the hospital as fast as they could, finding out that Kyo was already dead, that Toshiya was in shock, and Die tried to consulate him.
Everybody was crying, everybody a part from Toshiya. He was unable to cry, scream, anything. Since he found Kyo's body he stayed emotionless, standing up.
'Why Kyo, why did you kill yourself? What can I do without you? What? Did you ever think about this? Did you? I love you Kyo, don't worry, now we are going to be happy, I’ll be with you soon! Don’t worry! I’ll never let you be alone! I’m not afraid to die. Not anymore.' And with that last though, his mind was made up.
Two month passed since Kyo's death, and Toshiya didn't talk anymore, not to anybody.
He never even talked to Die, the guitarist tried and tried to persuade him to talk, to get it out all his pain, but it was in vain. He never even so much as open his mouth.
He continued looking at photos, with Kyo and him hugging, a photo that Die took. Die knew what Toshiya was going to do, for he would do the same if it was Toshiya the one dead. For that reason alone he was always near Toshiya.
After one year when all of them went to meet in front of Kyo's grave, they decided to play two of Kyo's favorite songs, Ain't afraid to die and Kr cube.
That was the first and last time that Toshiya talk. He put his bass on, and went to the mic. Kaoru decide to put the recording of Kyo's voice, but when the music was about to start, Toshiya switch it off and sang. He sang Ain't afraid to Die, the song which Kyo always showed how good he was in singing, and Toshiya sing it perfectly, tears falling over the pale contours of his face.
The way that I used to walk with you is gone

but still, I always walked with you,

I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet you
The snow falls gently on a hill

Even though I can't reach you; I understand

The flower in your room that you loved is now...
When Kyo wrote the song, he was thinking of Toshiya, after he confessed to the bassist his feeling, the relationship between the two changed. Toshiya was now afraid to hurt the little vocalist...

The day of last years final snow

the promises that were hard to exchange

When I remember them, they melt, and spill from my hands

The snow falls gently on a hill

Even though I can't reach you, I understand

The flower in your room that you loved is now...

All alone by the window, just staring at the snow

While remembering you, seeing you in the glass

I give you a final kiss

Come on, smile, don't cry anymore

From here on, I'll always be watching you

The snow falls gently on a hill

Even though I can't reach you, I understand

The flower in your room that you loved is now...

A light that quietly begins to color the inside of the town white

You saw the season's final colors

The sound of the tears that fell is cruel isn't it

You saw the season's final colors

The four seasons, and your colors, will soon vanish

The snow melts, and flowers bloom on the street corner

The "colors" that you saw, softly begin to melt

The day of this years final colors
It seemed that Kyo, when he wrote this song, knew prior that he was going to kill himself , and he wrote this song as a farewell message to his love, Toshiya.
Understand it only after singing it, that the reason of the tears which never fell down since Kyo's death.
He began to sing Kr cube, remembering the video, how close they are in that video... Die...Die in that video was happy, because he killed Kyo, the one that was going to take away his Toshiya.
In the video Toshiya was Kyo's lover, and that is the reason of the love for Kyo in that song. When Toshiya finished singing both of the songs, he turned to the other, and spoke to them quietly.
"I'm sorry, really really sorry, it's my entire fault, Kyo loves me, and I love Kyo. I’m sorry, Die! Please trust me! I stood a year without Kyo, but I can't stand it anymore. I’m sorry, I caused all of this... I'm going with Kyo now, he was the one that needed my love, and he is the one that I need! Please Die, don't do like me, don't kill yourself because of me! Promise me!"
"Totchi, I don't promise anything! I’ll be with you as you want to be with Kyo. If you kill yourself, I’m going to kill myself!" Die yelled.
"Please Die; don't make this harder for me!" Whimpered Toshiya.
"You choose to reach Kyo, and I choose to reach you, that' all...Because I love you, as you love Kyo..." Die tried.
"But Die; there is someone else who loves you..." Toshiya stopped terrified, clapping his hand on the mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to say it!" He said to one not definite person...
"It's okay Totchi... don't worry... Die, if you kill yourself, I’ll kill myself. You choose...” Said Kaoru
"And I kill myself too..."Shinya replied.
"As you see Die, if you kill yourself, everybody is going to kill themselves! You must live, do it for me, please, if you love me, please, don't kill yourself!"
"Totchi..I don't care; I want to be with you!"
"Die, what do you want from me?"
"I want you...”
"But I can't be yours anymore! I'm Kyo's...You are going to kill yourself for someone who doesn't love you! And you're going to make the only person who truly loves you suffer!!!"
"But....you always said you love me!!!"
"I did, but not since Kyo's death...and also beforehand I always loved Kyo more than you, but I love you also, and I preferred the passion than the sweet love! I’m sorry!"
"You always lied to me?!? How can you say it now, after all I did for you? How?"
"I'm sorry Die, but go on, hate me! But please don't kill yourself!"
“Please Die! Don’t do it! Live for Kaoru!" prayed Shinya
"Shinya, if I kill myself you can take advantage with Kaoru; you love him, don't you?"
"No. I mean I love Kao, but like a brother! I have a boyfriend, you know? And I love also you Die, please don't do it!"
"Die, please!"
"Totchi, if I kill myself, even if I want to come with you, to stay with you forever, you'll stay with Kyo, won't you?"
"Yes."
"Ok, I won't do it...but only because I love you, and I know how love is painful, and I don't want to let Kaoru feel it...I never knew you loved me...."
"I’ve always loved you, since La Sadie’s time...."
"Guys, I love you, all of you....now I want to go home, I need to write down something, we will see tomorrow...OK? ja ne!" said Toshiya, and he kissed everybody on the cheek, leaving Die for last. He went near the boy and whispered to him.
"I'm sorry, Die-chan. I really love you, trust me, I never lied to you! Sayonara..."
"I love you Totchi, very very much..."And he stealed a kiss from Toshiya's lips.
The bassist went to Kyo's home, and he positioned himself in the same place where Kyo was, with his photo, and the plush...he put a DVD in the DVD player, to see Kyo, and he cut his wrist. He then continued to watch the video, and tears began to fall down from his eyes...and he repeated over and over “Kyo-chan I love you, I love you, I’ll be with you very soon, don't worry!” And slowly he dies... exactly a year after Kyo, in the same moment when he found him......
.................
...................
"Kyo-chan, finally I found you!!!"
"Totchi? I can't believe...Why? Why did you kill yourself? Why?"
"Because I love you!"
"Totchi..."
"I love you, and I want to be with you forever...I’m not afraid to Die..."
"I love you too...Totchi-chan..."
Owari..
So what do you think? It's sucks enough??
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Ain't Afraid to Die