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Your Time	By : Juuchan Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 3046 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Your Time
- 1
Your Time

I. Performance
Disclaimer: I do not represent these celebrities in any way, nor do I own them. I do not make any profit from this.
hide

He didn't always have the clearest memory of what happened, but he always remembered the rush of adrenaline when the stage lights turned on to the pandemonium of the fans.


Whether it was the intimacy of a hall or the deafening roar of an overflowing dome, he felt as if there was no better place than right there to be, to feel the music coursing through his veins, heart pumping to the speed of the beat. Break-neck pacing was like a drug, his fingers licking over the strings, twisting and turning, slic with sweat (but he didn't care), and all he wanted was to keep on going. The body moved unconsciously, instinctively, reflexively as did thousands of fans to the sound of the bass drums and snare from wherever Yoshiki was. Especially in Tokyo Dome, where the masses bled myriad colors into a picture of unison, each to his or her own joining to sing or headbang. It was either that or hearing his name -- "HIDE! HIDE! HIDE!" -- screamed again and again, or any of the other members as well.


The exhaustion tended to kick in after an hour and a half or so, but he had long since learned to keep playing, partly because he wanted to satisfy the audience, and partly because of anticipation of what happened after the concert; it was a fatigue that afflicted only the body, not the mind. He loved music, partying, drinking, and sex, not necessarily in that order; he loved the post-concert parties where he could drink and relax, and feel the stress disappear in an alcohol-
induced buzz.


There were nights where he remember exactly what he did, and with whom he did things with. Somethings were a pleasure to remember, and others were neglible. He knew he would often wake up the next day with a hangover and anger at having drank yet again, and still repeat the actions at some later period. It was not rare to find himself awake in a familiar bed, though not his own, with or without someone next to him. Love, to be loved, yes; to be in love, no.


There were bits and pieces he remembered: the man people called genius (would he rather have believed himself one as well) with whom he never left without a fight, a familiar body pressed against his own, shining in darkness with slender, sweat-covered limbs, cattish eyes against pale skin, whispers in his ears that burned and then lips upon his neck, a long mass of bleached blonde hair to tangle his hands in, and a sharply contrasting presence, one moment gentle, delicate, and warm, the next a burning, harsh fury as fast as the pace of the music he played, because it was the only way it could be done.


It was like a fight, because he wouldn't lose and neither would the other. It was like a friendly rivalry, each to his own best abilities, and romance was something people liked to believe in.


It shouldn't have been, it couldn't have been, and in the end, he knew then, nothing will last.


Perhaps the world was his stage and his life was his act. He promised to himself first, and to others second, that he would enjoy himself, and do the best he could. It was his time, appropriately.
II. Assumptions
Yoshiki

When you sleep with someone, and not just once, people would naturally assume you were having a relationship, and a romantic one at that.


It wasn't true, he used to muse. It's just an act, and that was it.


"People will take the act you give them," he told hide once in a moment of lucidity, "especially as an entertainer. Do you know who you really are?"


hide looked at him with strange eyes, perhaps defiance, hunger, and wisdom all wrapped in one, and laughed. With one hand, he reached out to his face softly wiping away his ruined hoarfrost-blue eyeshadow --it was after a performance and the water splashed on his face-- with a touch that bothered and startled him, though it shouldn't have.


hide teased him, "It's funny that you say that, leader-sama. I should know that better than just about anyone else, shouldn't I? I live up to the expectations of people, of my own, and it's best that way."


Then he remembered. "I suppose you should. You already do."


It was an improper relationship, people would say, though most people did not know. People assumed things, and whether or not their assumptions were true, they preferred their own versions. So why did they both turn a blind eye and say it was nothing if it did not matter? Because it couldn't be allowed unless it had to be. There was an image to keep, and in world of entertainment (he was a musician first and foremost, but in business, there was nothing else), despite contradictions and double-standards, there were things that simply weren't allowed.


There were many things that were not allowed, but that was his original goal, wasn't it? Breaking all the rules.


The question from Toshi was very simply, "How can you guys argue to the point of killing each other and still share a bed?"


And to think he didn't see the implication of jealousy until much later. To say he was a blind man would have been correct.


"There's nothing going on," he denied as he knew hide would not have, because he was the one more terrified. It should have only been once, except it was not. "There is nothing of importance." He liked to believe that was the truth.


He regrets it now.
III. Incident
hide

He was drunk, angry, and in pathetic form. There were moments where the mind craved for destruction while the body was mostly incapacitated, and that served for ill results. It started when Yoshiki, equally drunk and perhaps pissy as he had a habit of being when drunk, made a remark as they made their way to their rooms, almost suspiciously alone. Toshi was in the lobby making a phone call and Pata had stayed behind with Taiji to see who could outdrink the other. The real reason they were even going back to their rooms was because the threat of a fight loomed overhead and that was the last thing anyone needed amidst the revelry, except him. Toshi had offered to oversee their trip back, but thought that they were at ease by the time they were in the lobby, so he left them alone.


There was no one around them when they started to fight over something meaingless, and the walls of the hotel could have told many tales if they could talk. They would have said it was a pathetic fight since neither of them had the balance or common sense. In proof, as his hands found Yoshiki's neck, he slipped and pulled him in for a kiss instead, tongue and all. Yoshiki had not expected that abrupt action; he stilled momentarily before pushing him away and spat, "What the fuck are you doing?"


He leaned against the wall and began to laugh at the absurdity of it all. "We're both fucking drunk and arguing over something I can't remember. I can still taste the alcohol. What am I doing? I don't fucking know. I -was- trying to kill you, and then I kissed you. What else? Now Mr.I'm-Always-Right is touchy about getting kissed."


He watched the drummer close his eyes against the opposite wall of the hallway. Yoshiki dropped his head, as though trying to regain some semblance of sanity. "Last time I checked, you were trying to choke me. And then you've got your tongue down my throat. I'd completely understand if the world was insane--"


"The world -is- insane."


Yoshiki seemed to shudder briefly, as though memory savaged him. "You're insane, I'm insane, and right now, stay the fuck away from me." Whatever fighting spirit he had before seemed to drain out, replaced by a hurt anger. He began to walk away from him, despite the fact they shared a room. It was likely he'd be running to Toshi to burn off the anger.


There was a part of him that took delicious triumph in it, and at the same time, bitterness in the fact Yoshiki was walking away. He reminded him, "I win, Yoshiki."


He had gone to sleep afterwards, and woke the next day with a hangover for his troubles, and the hotel billing for damages to the rooms for his worries as Toshi bemoaned the little amount of sleep he had with Yoshiki staying with him.


"He threw a temper tantrum again?" Pata asked with the infinite wisdom of his drinking days. "Or did you, too?"


"Does the room look like it's damaged?"


"Check the bathroom."


"Fuck."


He couldn't remember what happened until much later, and when he did, he still liked to pretend he didn't.
IV. Game
Yoshiki

There were a certain set of rules he set himself to.


One, he could only trust a certain amount of people. Check.


Two, he could only do the best he could. Check.


Three, he couldn't lose. He couldn't.


He didn't want to lose, and he couldn't let others think he could lose. He had the ability to do what he wanted, so why should he lose?


"I win, Yoshiki."


No, you didn't. It was interrupted. It was never finished. He was going to win.


The things he did for pride, more than anything. He thought that, at least. Perhaps something there was an eerily reminiscent of feeling of fear, because hide was still hide and wildly unpredictable. He hated losing, losing to someone, losing someone. Perhaps it was also because he knew there was some chemistry there, and as much as he didn't want it to be real because it would hurt more when it ended.


The next day, hide had acted as if nothing happened. It was infuriating, the way he said it, "Did I do something last night to make you mad? If I did, I'm sorry. I really am." It was not because it sounded false, but because it was true-- hide couldn't remember. hide always did that. hide's alchohol tolerance wasn't as high as his, and it served for the worse. He shouldn't have drunk, because he had a clear memory of what happened, and with that, the frustration of doing things he shouldn't have.


For a long time, he let it be. He told himself that it should have disappeared quickly, and other things overtook his mind at certain points, including his Art of Life. It was not until the practice session for the 1994 Tokyo Dome concerts when it came up. He got into an argument with hide over the rearrangement of opening of Rose of Pain and the rest of the band simply sighed as though stopping them was an impossible task.


"I don't think I've seen you two argue and have one person win," Heath commented softly. "You guys always seem to come down to some sort of agreement."


Toshi snorted on the water he was drinking as though it were the most amusing thing he had ever heard. Pata chuckled slightly.


"That's not true!" hide denied. "I've won once!"


He raised an eyebrow at the claim and noted the slight waver in hide's eyes. He remembered, for sure.


"I've never seen you win," Toshi remarked, "but I've seen you stick it out as long as you can. You're both stubborn, that's what. I bet you'll be arguing over this into the evening."


"What time is it?" he asked abruptly.


"4:43."


He rolled his eyes in exasperation. "We've been here before noon. If we're not done by five, you guys are free to leave. Just remember, tomorrow we're at the Tokyo Dome for rehearsal. The day after is dress."


"Whoa, you're making ME stay while they can go?" hide protested. "I don't want to stay."


He smiled politely at hide. "Then perhaps you shouldn't be so stubborn, should you?"


"The same could go for you, oh great leader."


"I think I'd know best how to reorchestrate my own songs."


"And as a person playing that song whose ears are not buffetted by pounding, I'd know whether or not these chords work."


"I have perfectly fine hearing!"


"Oh, the indignity!" hide mocked. "Poor Yoshiki's hearing is going down."


"Now's the time to leave before we're responsible for anyone's injury or death," Pata advised Heath stoically within earshoot of both hide and him, "since they can get rather violent and all when it comes down to big performances."


"Just leave," he told them, "it's pointless to have us amuse you guys with our debate."


"I guess we'll just have to see who comes away unscathed, neh?" Toshi teased. "Somehow, I think Yoshiki gets the better end as usual."


Prophets. He wondered if lies were deliberate lies or just the untruth.


When the others left, he shuffled his sheet music and stared at the black lacquer of the piano. He usually played on the crystal pianos because he liked his performance instruments clear like glass, crystal clear, but not fragile at all. Complete opposites, wrapped in one.


"I don't think this is about the song at all," hide told him after a moment of silence. "Because you looked at me strangely when I said something."


"You said you won, once. But you know I never lose." It was pride speaking, and the urge to carry the conversation further.


"Oh, you're still touchy, neh?" hide contemplated with curiousity.


"I think we have completely different views on this," he explained. "You know damn well I hate it when you pretend that you don't know something even though you remember it. And, I didn't lose, you didn't win. It was never finished. I don't lose."


hide stood up from his seat and walked over to him until they were facing each other. There was a sense of complacency that he wasn't prepared for. "I had time to think this over, you know. Touchy Yo-chan, he's so odd. This isn't about winning, is it?"


It wasn't. He kept silent, thinking of a way to phrase his words.


"Or, maybe it's about that kiss..."


Oh, but it couldn't be.


Yet, he didn't back down when hide drew closer and willed himself not to flinch when he felt a hand upon his cheek. Of course he was terrified; he wasn't used to this sort of intimacy where he knew subconsciously, it mattered-- he never liked admitting when these sort of things mattered. He also didn't want to lose, still, because of stubborn pride. Even when hot breath blew across his cheeks, he stared at hide with nonchalance.


"Do you know what you're doing?" he asked.


hide grinned, somewhere between goofy and sly. "Not really, but it doesn't matter, does it?" Just as quick as his hands, hide kissed him and fell into him, closer, deeper. There was a brief flare of struggle as he grabbed hide's hands and tried to take over, nearly slipping against the piano bench.


"You're not very good at this, are you?" hide teased.


"I don't sleep with someone new every other night."


"Nah, that just means you aren't getting enough. Poor Yo-chan--" hide's words disappeared when he silenced him.


They both closed their eyes as though trying to figure out what they were really doing, should be doing, when in testimony to his hearing, he heard someone mutter, "My bandmates are strange people." His eyes flew open at the intrusion; hide felt his reaction at once and pulled away.


"Oh...um, I didn't interrupt anything....um...important, right?" There Heath stood, one hand holding a cable bundle, turning the same cherry red color as hide's hair. "Um, I was ah...just getting my cable. I think I'll go now..."


hide shook his head.


"Heath," he called as the bassist turned to leave-- Heath looked back at him--, "you didn't forget anything else, did you?"


"Er, no. Of course not."


"Good. Just keep this within the band, no?"


The young man nodded and bolted.


" 'Within the band?' " hide asked mischeviously once Heath disappeared. "How sad, here I was thinking we could declare it to the world and send millions of fans into hysterics."


"You're overly confident, aren't you?"


"You're an egomaniac, aren't you?"


"It doesn't matter when I'm successful, now does it?" He slipped his fingers into hide's red hair, brushing it back. "Although, we could be the one and the same. But I win this. You hold nothing over me."


"No," hide contradicted, "you need someone to beat you in some area. Otherwise, the great Yoshiki will be too great. A person can't be too talented, after all, and you can't win everything." As though to prove his point, hide hoisted him upon the piano top and pinned him down with his weight. There was kind laughter at his surprise, and then he tickled him in the ribs, eliciting a yelp and an arch of the back. It must have been a sight, a mirror image of him upon the reflective surface of the piano. Something that appealed to their sense of aesthetics, no less.


"Do you know exactly what you're doing?" he asked as he got his breath back. Because he couldn't bear to have to care and fear losing someone.


"I think we both know there can't be anything serious here, neverminding what we may feel otherwise," hide answered with careful wisdom. "So let's just leave at something physical, neh? What's that phrase...'friends, with benefits'?"


He nodded in consent, but it nagged him; he wondered about the seed of doubt in his mind. "Why are you doing this?"

     "Beauty. You are gorgeous, and I'm sure you know that."

     "Oh, that makes me stupid, doesn't it? Like" --his mind searched for the term-- "a 'dumb blonde'."


"Hmm, you are sometimes." hide buried his fingers in his long bleached tresses and kissed him, demanding reciprocation, simultaneously preventing his response and leaving a taste of strawberries. "But I like it that way. Imagine, a dead serious band leader all the time. You'll get wrinkles from all the stress! And we can't afford that. The fangirls will think, 'Oh no! Yo-chan's getting old! We can't like an old man!' Then I'll get more fans. And then, I win!"


It was somewhat difficult to resist the urge to smack him simply as a response, but he knew there were better ways to answer. "You're a greedy little spider, always trapping people in your web. One day, you'll catch something too big for you to handle."


hide raised an eyebrow with a grin that was anything but innocent. "I don't think that day has come, unless you think differently, eh?"


"I win." Because he wasn't weak at all, even physically.


For that time, he topped.

In retrospect, even though they both agreed that it wasn't anything romantic-- there was no "I love you"'-- or serious, they knew that it couldn't stay like that, finding each other in bed much too often to fool anyone, especially themselves. He knew it, and he knew hide did as well. And even if they did have something serious, they knew it still couldn't stay.


He remembers reading the famous line, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."


They thought in reverse of that. Sometimes, he wonders how to think of it.
V. tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis (the times are changing, and we are changing with them)

hide's courses at the beauty school taught him many things, including attention to detail. Hence, not too many things missed his eyes whenever he actually got around to paying attention, which was quite frequent, but not all the time.


Of course, he noticed the way Yoshiki and Toshi were becoming more distant. A friendship of a minimal ten years, the sort they had, simply didn't fade away without a reason. Maybe it was change, like cutting their hair and toning down the visualness. Yoshiki had few words to say to him about what was happening and between the touring, uncharacteristically, he did not pry. It was a gradual thing, and perhaps, hide thought, Yoshiki and Toshi didn't realize it themselves. Perhaps it was also because he, himself, spent more time with Yoshiki than he should have. And he had arrangements for his solo career as well. It was reasonable enough and the media didn't notice because everyone was busy with the Dahlia Tour.


The Nagoya performance seemed alright at first. Bright lights, music, and the beauty of performing. He noticed out of the corner of his eye the looming disaster, but he had not understood exactly what was happening. As the night waned, so did Yoshiki, and then when he crumpled, screaming, he realized his error, and hell caming flooding with Yoshiki's rare tears of pain.


It was a whirlwind ballet: the staff trying to get Yoshiki backstage while the band tried to calm the dismayed audience who knew damn well something was wrong; the paramedics trying to restrain Yoshiki long enough to have anesthesia injected, a neck brace fitted, and carried out in a stretcher; Toshi knocking the cameras away in frustration for daring to film such a thing; he who was trying to calm the fans and slip away all at the same time as was the rest of the band; answering the barest minimum of questions to push away the reporters with their bright lights and irritating persistence. The bright lights, harsh and unrelenting, their unescapable flourescence, from the stage to the hospital.


It was possibly the worst March day he had ever seen.


Toshi was not calm at all. The moment they were informed what was wrong, Toshi had demanded to know whether or not Yoshiki was going to be alright. "You can fix it, right? But it's in the spine! How can you promise he can still MOVE?! If he ends up paralyzed--" When he was pulled away, having encroached upon personal space, he fell silent because, in truth, it wasn't the first time it happened.


They all knew Yoshiki had problems with his neck from his drumming. He was exhausted during the Rose and Blood tour, during the Jealousy recordings, and especially during the Art of Life recording. Dahlia wasn't making it any better. It wasn't the first time they'd seen him wince in pain and try to shrug it off. hide knew at once it wasn't the last.


The staff didn't want them smoking inside and the moment they stepped outside-- even downstairs in the lobby-- there was press, gathering like a mob of sharks. Because Toshi was in no shape to say anything, the default leadership position landed on hide. It was one the moments where hide felt like yelling at them to go fuck off because it was none of their fucking business.


"You know what I hate right now?" Toshi told him much later in the night. "The fact that Yoshi may be crippled, the fact that all this wouldn't happen if we weren't at where we are right now." He buried his face in his palms, sighing heavily.


hide stared at him, wondering whether or not he was drunk. "Yo-chan wouldn't want that, and you know it. You're not going to blame yourself for what happened, are you? We all saw it. He knew it. Yo-chan will be fine. He's always been a survivor."


"But how can you shake off the feeling that maybe he won't be? I've always been there for him since we were kids as he's been there for me. Now, I don't know. It's not as if he's taken enough trauma in his life, and everything he's worked so hard for, it could be gone."


"Isn't it better that he has accomplished some of his dreams than to have not at all? That's a terrible mentality if you stick to yours."


"You don't understand Yoshiki at all!" Toshi cried angrily.


"I understand him better than you are right now," hide answered. "And most of all, you're not yourself. You should calm down."


"Easy for you to say, you don't care, do you?"


"I care a lot. I care more than you ever dreamed."


"Oh? You just fuck him. I don't see anything else."


No. That wasn't true, because he was blind.


The air was pregnant with tension.


hide grabbed Toshi by the front of his shirt, staring him down. "You're fucking jealous. That's what. I don't need this right now from you, who's suppose to be his best friend, but obviously had a crush on him and now you think it's all my fault and you can't handle it when all the stress explodes."


Toshi pushed him away harshly, separating them. "Jealous. Ha. You're paranoid, aren't you? You've fallen for him, and you can't see it. You try so hard to act calm, and collected--"


"Because you can't and someone has to!"


It was Pata who stepped in. "Both of you need to rest. You're agitated and stressed, and afterwards, you can apologize to each other, no? Neither of you are acting very leader-like. I'll wait for the doctors' report. If you two can't make it out of here without beating each other up, Heath will have to take one of you with him."


It was true.


It was all very true.

The first thing he noticed was the flowers. Or more accurately, the roses. Everywhere. The room would have been suffocating with the scent of roses if it weren't for the ventilation.


"Well, Yo-chan," hide joked softly as he shut the door, taking off his sunglasses, "people don't need to wonder about what kind of flowers to get you. It looks like all of Tokyo's rose supply went to your room."


Yoshiki smiled and nodded slightly. "That's true, it seems. The nurses moved the rest out because they didn't have any more room."


"How long do you think it will take before you can get out of the hospital?" He grabbed a chair and sat down next to him, careful not to damage the roses.


"A week or so."


"Ew," he wrinkled his nose, " a week? Too long."


"I agree. But they have to make sure I can move my neck without injurying myself before releasing me."


"Ah." So that was why his movement was so slight. He was in terrible shape when they moved him out of Nagoya and back to Tokyo, canceling the rest of the Dahlia Tour when the doctors reported that it would take at least two weeks for him to heal, not counting the therapy and rehabilitation.


"Toshi was just here," Yoshiki told him. "He told me what happened."


"Ah, well...we were just testy, you know. We were all very worried about you and the tension just spilled over."


"And Pata had to take control? It must have been terrible."


He rubbed the back of his head. "Eh, it was. Um...did Toshi say anything...er...attention grabbing?"


"That you two were about to fight?"


"Well, that shouldn't be too distraughting..."


"I'd only be slightly surprised if you ended up in bed with him as well," Yoshiki spoke cynically.


"Hey! I'm not like that!"


"I shouldn't care, should I?" He closed his eyes briefly, as though considering something. "Though sometimes..."


"You feel like you're caring when you shouldn't be."


"So you know that feeling?"


"We were stupid, weren't we, to think we could get away without feelings or denying them."


"I've have a lot of time to think this over," Yoshiki repeated his words to him, "and yes, we were."


"So, does that mean..."


"I don't know. I hate romantic relationships because they're difficult. I've hurt Toshi, haven't I?"


hide wasn't sure whether it was simply the anesthetics that made Yoshiki so loose-lipped, or the fact Yoshiki was actually admitting to vunerabilities. He knew the lingering statements Yoshiki didn't and wouldn't say, because he had done much the same-- couldn't love, couldn't be weak, couldn't afford to be hurt and lose a dream. But then, they couldn't deny that there was something there, and maybe, it could work. Except in the process, it required much more than simply admitting to something.


hide didn't answer, but Yoshiki already knew it and continued. "He told me...the reason he was so angry was because he really was jealous. He asked me whether or not I felt anything..."


"But..."


"No. I loved him as a friend, and I still do. But I wasn't -in- love with him. I sound like a stupid school girl. You know why I'm telling you this, don't you?"


"Yes, I do." hide bit his lip, trying to think. "And is Toshi alright with it?"


"I don't know. I think. We're still friends, but not like..." There was a slight shrug. "Relationships are so difficult..."


"We didn't mean for this happen."


Yoshiki smiled at him, amused. "So foolish I was. I am. Stuck in a bed with a neck injury from drumming. I didn't mean for it to happen."


"But nonetheless, it did. So you will always have to deal with what life gives you, neh?"


"Must I deal with the fact I'm falling in love with you?"


"I do too, you know. You're a pain to deal with sometimes."


"I don't think that. You, upon the other hand, are obnoxious and boisterious--"


It was easy to stop his words. And he did not resist, though hide didn't think he could have.


When he finally pulled away, Yoshiki was slightly red. "You shouldn't do that here. What if someone walks in?"'


"Let them see," hide answered wickedly.


Yoshiki reached out with a hand, tousling his hair. "Little spider, little pink spider."


hide shifted so that the hand cupped his cheek instead. "Always a little bit ahead, a little bit higher, neh?"


"So high, you could reach the sky...to heaven."


"Heaven is down here, then. It ought to be."


The first few months were hell. The band could tell. hide knew that when Yoshiki showed up for practice, it was definitely not the first time he had tried drumming again. Yoshiki would have been too stubborn and proud to show anyone else how hard it was to start over. He didn't admit to any mistake other than his own, and was hardly one to show weakness.


During a song, Yoshiki had slipped off the beat and stopped drumming. It was obvious and everyone trailed off shortly after.


"Are you alright, Yoshi?" Toshi asked him, worried.


The drummer had hunched over his snare, his eyes squeezed shut. There were faint dewdrop tears gathering upon his eyelashes. With the sound of drumsticks clattering upon the floor, he pulled off the brace and stalked out of the practice room. He was almost always the last person to run out of practice.


Before Toshi could follow, hide stopped him. "I'll check up on him."


Briefly, there was a flash of anger in Toshi's eyes. "Fine."


"I'm just being me," he told him, "I don't mean to harm you."


"Go. Just go." He could hear bitterness in his voice.


hide stepped outside and spotted Yoshiki leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand. He joined him and lit the one he was offered.


"You were persistant, eh? You still should be."


Yoshiki sighed. "It shouldn't be this fucking hard. It shouldn't be this hard at all."


"So you keep trying, and trying. I've never seen you give up."


"It's not me to give up, and I don't lose." He slumped. "But sometimes, it's so frustrating. Sometimes, success is so close I can taste it, and I always have gotten to it. Now, it just hurts. I can't escape the pain."


"And here I was, thinking you were masochistic."


"That's something else," Yoshiki replied hastily. "You always take everything in a joking matter--"


"And if you take everything in such a dead serious way, like I've said before, it'll make you old and cranky, and bitter. And no one wants a Yoshiki like that, eh?" It was lightly teasing. "And I think I got Toshi mad...I can't help it if you end up making me act like that."


"Toshi's still my best friend. It's understandable for him to care. And it's hardly my fault for a caring hide."


"And of course, he cares about me replacing him in the comfort factor. You're making me care, that's what. You're fine with that, too." hide shook his head and stubbed out his cigarette. "I think someone needs Yo-chan back at practice at fine and dandy. Now, where is this great leader of ours?"


"One step in front."


It was not surprising to find Yoshiki practicing constantly; he hated imperfection. "I want to make up for all those canceled shows," he said. His performance had to be impeccable.


Such a thing was downright destructive.

VI. Everything Falls

The most worrying thing at first was Yoshiki's call, telling him to go over at once for some important reason.


When he got to Yoshiki's apartment later than he wished, he could see Pata and Heath there already with sober faces. The air seemed to sigh and weep silently. Yoshiki stood opposite of Toshi, turned away. He seemed relaxed, but hide knew from experience that Yoshiki was trying to control himself.


"What happened?" hide asked as he walked in.


Toshi walked towards him with weariness upon his face.


"I'm sorry," Toshi told him, "for all that's happened between us. You're better for him than I was."


hide had seen this scene before, perhaps in less tension, but it was intimately familiar. There was no other reason for an entire band to be gathered outside of musical and business purposes, especially in this time. "You're leaving, aren't you?"


"Yes."


His eyes narrowed. "Liar," he hissed, "it's not me you should be apologizing to. It's Yoshiki."


"If he gave me the chance, I would." It was as if he was sorrowful. With that, Toshi left.


"Toshi wanted to leave the band. We all finally agreed. It seems you have, too," Pata told him before he could ask.


There was an urge to down a few shots of vodka to kill off his reactions, because his mind was screaming at him, "This shouldn't be happening!" In the long silence, hide sighed. "I would have said yes, but why does he want to leave? What will become of us?"


"Can you guys please leave?" Yoshiki finally spoke. "I don't want to think of this right now."


There were no questions or looks when hide didn't budge, especially when Yoshiki asked nothing of hide. hide saw them out before returning to Yoshiki, not completely sure of how the drummer was going to act. That was far more worrying.


He found Yoshiki crying silently. It was a soft sort of crying, as man struggling not to. Yoshiki suddenly clutched at him, hands upon his shoulders, his head over his shoulders. hide embraced him, closing the distance between them.


"I don't know why he thinks like this now...He's been with me for twenty years...Now he's leaving." He spoke so softly, the silence seemed louder. It was a conversation intended for no one but themselves.


"Hasn't he be distancing himself in the last year?"


"I didn't think it'd lead to this. He's always stuck with me through the hardest of times...This...this is X. I really don't know what X will do now."


"Do you want X to continue?"


"I don't want X to die," Yoshiki told him in a near whisper, "I can't let my dream die."


"But you still want Toshi at the vocals."


"X can't be X without Toshi, don't you think?"


"Can we convince him to return?"


"I wanted to scream at him to leave," Yoshiki whispered into his ear. "I wanted him out for daring to betray me. I thought I understood why, but...I can't now. I still want him back."


hide sighed. "So many years as a band, and now this should happen..." Some part of him told him that while it seemed impossible, it wasn't at all completely unlikely. He had thought Toshi would do something after it became obvious that there was certainly a relationship between Yoshiki and he, and now, Toshi did. It was perfectly human.


"The people I really care about always end up leaving me," Yoshiki started, looking at him. "Can I ask you not to?"


"I'd do my best not to," hide told him with sincerity. "If I could stay forever, I would."


"Thank you," he told him. It was difficult to acknowledge his dependence, because it was even more difficult to admit he was vulnerable, even when he should have been. It was the closest he came to not knowing what to say, not being able to be sure of his words. "You mean so much, it's frightening. I don't think...I'd ever understand..."


hide gave a soft sigh, knowing full well Yoshiki would never actually admit it. "It's alright."


"I hate this place. I hate this situation. I don't want to be here."


hide leaned in for a kiss where the scent of strawberries and something like fine wine mingled. It was smooth, velvety, and hinted of richness. And at once, Yoshiki turned it into something more, something between raging and passionate, fast as though he were trying to forget and couldn't. In the fine irony of it all, hide could feel his tears pressing upon his own cheeks in mirror stains of wetness, and for sure, they both wondered if it was true that you could dry your tears with love.

"It's fine," hide told him before Yoshiki could ask. "Everyone needs time."


"Yo-chan?"


"Hm?" The reply was lazy.


hide took his time to appreciate the view; even in dim moonlight, the rippling shadows traced the curve of a slender hip and further, only because Yoshiki didn't like sleeping with clothing on. He had no complaints. It was an evening of drinking away sorrow, though it was Yoshiki who did the drinking because hide recognized that he had to stay sober and stop Yoshiki from doing something stupid. And the idea of drinking away sorrow didn't even work. Yoshiki cried silently again because it reminded him of things, and hide resisted the urge to drink so he didn't have to take responsibility for whatever happened afterwards.


It was fortunate that he had not done so. Even so, the realization didn't dawn until he had found Yoshiki with a common melon knife pressed too close to the vein to have any other intention. He took it away before it could draw blood and grabbed Yoshiki by the wrists, pulling him close to kiss him as hard as he could, wishing he still had long hair he could bury his hands in and hug closer. It wasn't worth it, he told him in urgent whispers, it wasn't worth it at all, because then he would have no one else like him to love and all the people of the world would cry tears for such genius. They touched foreheads, hide's hand gently caressing a wet cheek. The drummer was shaking slightly, and in uncharacteristic complacency, melted under his grasp. hide took him to bed with the bedroom locked, a slow burning touch that neither of them kept for long because it teased too much, and true to form, it ended furiously and fast, and fortunately, reassuringly normal.


They didn't do it very often, hide pitied, especially when sex had such a calming effect on both of them.


If he hadn't known better, he would have thought that by the time they agreed to a serious relationship, they were together less than they were before. Without the touring, he didn't have as much of an excuse to pull Yoshiki aside for whatever reasons he had. It seemed now, when things fell apart, there was more time mocking him. Then, he'd have to make the best of it.


"I'm going back to LA this year. I know you've got a place there, and you automatically get swamped with work whenever you go, but will you still come with me?"

Yoshiki took a long time to reply. "That would be nice. To stay away from Japan..."


"But you've got to promise me that you'll lay off the work for a month, okay?"


"Don't you have that band you were working with?"


Maybe it was some faint hint of bitterness, because hide still had people to work with as a group, and X, they knew, wasn't going to go very far right now. hide ignored it. "Eh, I can put that to later. We've got all the time in the world."


"It's been a while since I last took a vacation," the drummer sighed. "The best of times, the worst of times..." Yoshiki wondered why he couldn't stop the pain, even when he wanted to forget it, perhaps because he knew there was nothing left for this group as X. There was a melody in his head before he could stop it, and it wouldn't leave him.


"Yo-chan?" Fingers combing through fine hair, almost as if he pulled away, everything would disappear.


"Yes?"


"Promise me you won't do that again."


The reply was genuine, simple as it was. "I promise."


"And you never promised to stop working for a month."


"I can't not work..."


"Oh, dear," hide taunted gently. "I guess I'll have to put you on a leash then, wouldn't I? So you wouldn't wander off to the studios or something."


"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"


"You would, I know."


"Isn't it strange," Yoshiki asked, "that I should want things I know I shouldn't? Like the way people wouldn't like what we're doing, and yet I still want you more, and they wouldn't believe it if I said it was love."


hide believed that Yoshiki knew more of what he was talking about or doing when drunk than most people did when they were sober. It was frightening in a way, because he knew Yoshiki knew quite well what he was doing, and Yoshiki had told him that he swore he would not take an end like his father unless he wasn't himself.

Amidst the legalities that had to be dealt with-- contracts, statements, and so forth, and the particularly vicious hand-picked legal representative Yoshiki sent out to deal with Toshi's leave, hide decided to call Toshi and asked to meet with him, just to talk. "Just as friends," he said.


"Then talk right now, hide," Toshi replied with a tone that stated he knew exactly where the conversation was going. "You're not the first person to call me."


"Fine, I was never much for bullshitting. I will go straight to the point then: you wouldn't reconsider your decision?"


"No. I wanted to leave, not try to and still stay."


"Do you remember when Yoshiki was in the hospital and you nearly got into a fight with me?"


"Yes."


hide continued, "You told me that you continued in X because you wanted to fulfill Yoshiki's dream, and that you'd rather he had all of his dreams or none at all, because you know he couldn't stand it if everything fell away from him when he had it in his grasp. Tell me, then, Toshi, how can you be so insistent on leaving when you know damn well this is causing the very thing you did not want to see ever happen just a year ago?"


"People change, don't they? That's what they should do. Right now, I realize it is most important what -I- want to do. Like Yoshiki wants to do what he dreams of, so do I. But I've changed so much, I can't be what I wanted to be." His voice was that of a tired man's, a voice that betrayed hints of regret, resignation, anger, and sadness.


"So now you want to leave the band and work on your solo career?"


"I want to distance myself from Yoshiki. I can't stay with him forever. It can't work like that. It's best for both of us."


"You mean it's best for you."


"You want to see it that way, go ahead. As I've told you, you take care of him better than I did."


"You're still jealous, aren't you?"


"I want Yoshiki to know that nothing ever comes as easily as friendship, and nothing burns more than losing it. It didn't have to happen, but in the way things discoursed, it did. Just because I want that, it does not mean I hate him. What if I was jealous?"


"How can you still like someone you've hurt like this?"

"Don't you hurt the ones you love?" Toshi responded angrily. "If he loved me so much as a friend, he would still tell me to so blankly that there was nothing? I'll tell you this: when I told Yoshiki what I felt, his face wiped itself of all expression, and I knew he was afraid, because he denied that just as likely as he loved you, he could have me, and that's what really bothered me, that Yoshiki had to be so damned perfect and flawless and in denial." It was Yoshiki which he said, not Yoshi, Yo-chan, or something less formal.


"You blamed Yo-chan for what happened, and you are jealous of me, aren't you?"


"I blamed Yoshiki. I blamed you. I blamed myself. So it's all the same in the end," Toshi told him, acerbic to both he and himself. "I'm not changing my mind."

The phone hung up with a click, leaving hide to wonder how much Toshi learned from Yoshiki and he in the years. Toshi wasn't talking like the way he talked for the band or friends. He talked carefully, not at all himself.


There was an uncomfortable feeling. It was like a sickness, the unpleasantness of displacement: there was no X; there was a band of so much fame, the story-- legend, myth, whatever people called it--, and the collapse of it. It shouldn't have been. Some part of him wondered why he cared so much, because he had everything he could have wanted. He could still keep going; he still had his flourishing solo career.


Yoshiki. Because it didn't make Yoshiki have everything he wanted, and thus, hide couldn't accept it though it frustrated him.


Didn't people call that love? It was costly, that, and it reminded him why he was so wary of falling in love in the first place.

hide couldn't remember when Yoshiki was so furious. He kept a wary eye on Yoshiki, as did Pata, because they both knew if Yoshiki didn't want to control himself, he'd be doing more than raising his voice in his office.


"I hate him! How could he do this to me?"


I wasn't informed, Toshi had said in response to the press conference of the disbandment.


"Fucking bullshit! He's making it look as if -I- was responsible for his leave. As if -I- was the one who kicked him out. It isn't true! Does he have any idea what he did to the band? Does he have any. Fucking. Idea. What it does to ME?"


"Yo-chan," hide told him, "you need to calm down."


"I don't want to see his face, I don't want to talk to him ever again."


Silently, hide wondered if those could be the few words Yoshiki ever recanted. Pata shook his head.


"Don't be stupid, Yo-chan. Forever is a very long time to be so mad at someone, don't you think?" hide placed a hand upon his shoulder in comfort.


"Forever is a very long time to be mad," Yoshiki spoke softly and suddenly, slowly relaxing. Yet, his voice had not lost the angry edge. "And I'd rather it were eternal sadness than anger, then."


"It shouldn't be any of those."


"For me, it should."


"Then you're foolish."


Yoshiki laughed bitterly. "Foolish. It didn't have to be. I should be under control..."


"You're destroying each other," Pata told them, "and then, you should destroy the hearts of fans who couldn't believe X is gone."


"Um, Hayashi-san?" A nervous, frail woman knocked upon the door before opening it with the slightest crack. "You have a meeting with Sony representatives in
two hours, and ah...the media's calling for response to Deyama-san's statement. ...It's just to inform you, sir."


Yoshiki waved her off, immediately slipping back into the appearance not of a man barely under control and grieving, but rather the self-assured rockstar he was suppose to be, with just sadness at X's disbandment instead of anger.


hide remembered that Yoshiki once told him he sometimes couldn't discern between the persona the media got and the one that he really was. hide had laughed and told him whatever it was, he was fine with it, because he confused himself sometimes.


It was sad, in a way. It bothered him now.


The last note died out, what was full and vibrant fading smoothly, mournfully. They say if one put real emotion into playing a song, people can always feel it.


That must have been what he felt.


"That's what you want?"


"Yes. "Yes...and it's also what they want. It's part of the contract."


"Liar," hide responded chidingly. "You don't want this song."


Yoshiki ran a hand through his cropped hair, sighing. "Fine, in truth...I don't want this. This is only for the sake of pretention. We don't need this; I don't need this."


"But you're going to perform it anyway? Why perform it if you hate it so much?"


"It's still a song I wrote,...there's still a meaning behind it...even if it's a meaning I never want to be. I didn't want X to end...but we can't continue X without Toshi at this stage. It's a matter of time."That's what they want as well. I didn't want X to end...but we can't continue X without Toshi at this stage. It's a matter of time."


hide ran a hand along the edge of the piano, feeling for the echo of the last few notes. "It wasn't a poor decision. Unhappiness for an end result doesn't make the best music; joy does, in the end."


"We should reform X..."


"That's up to you, Yo-chan. We'll always go along for the ride."


"Something with X in it, neh?"


"Yeah. Something with X." hide sauntered his way over to the piano bench and seated himself in Yoshiki's lap, smiling fondly at him before resting his body against Yoshiki's. "It's 1997, only three more years until the next century. Let's reform and appear in 2000. Wouldn't that be a sight?"


"2000," Yoshiki murmured into hide's ear. hide's action forced him to brace himself with one hand on the piano keys that complained with a dischordant -clunk-, the other wrapping around hide's waist. "It would be a plan...an ambitious one."


"The best kind," hide reminded him. "For as long as we can, we should keep going."


"Indeed. Even if X is gone, we can keep going, keep performing. It doesn't mean the end of us; we shouldn't stop until we die."


"Never," hide agreed, "until we die."


They both wondered, very briefly, if changing was an option.


"What are you calling this song?"


"The Last Song," Yoshiki named after a moment's decision, "for the end of X Japan."


They both knew it was a lie of sorts, because neither man would let a dream die.


I hate you.


He stumbled, exhausted and spent, and kept going. He had to, because he had to show the world...he had to show the world...


I love you.


Burning anger bled into tears as he approached Toshi with every intention of making sure people saw it was not an amicable parting, only to find the eyes of not the man he hated, but those of a friend of countless years, and he could not raise a fist. The tears blended with his sweat, the water, and Toshi's tears as they hugged desperately, trying to return to those days before, and Toshi whispered to him, "I'm sorry."


Was that what he said? He thought he had heard what he wanted to hear; among the echoes of tens of thousands of fans, he could have heard anything and everything. Yoshiki knew at once whatever was said, it didn't matter anymore. "It's okay, To-chan, it's all okay..."


Are you still my childhood friend?


X, this X, was gone. There was no one else like Toshi to sing his songs; he sobbed at his piano, having only the realization that playing music became difficult while losing oneself to sadness was easy. People would say it was beautiful, even if they could not play their music as best as they could, because it was a beautifully sad ending.


Please say no, so I can hate you.


He didn't want it to end.


Toshi's singing vanished into choked out lyrics. Play the music, play the music, hide the imperfections and make it beautiful.


Wasn't that what he wanted?


Please say yes, so I can still love you.


He couldn't, shaking with dischordant notes. But he had to-- he had to.


There was Pata and Heath trying to hide their faces in the shadows, trying to lose themselves. And there was hide.


hide was crying. The same hide who told him not to be a delusional ass and to call back Toshi to perform with them that one last time, the same hide who reminded him to do sane things, the same hide who tried to keep a cheerful atmosphere backstage by grabbing him for a kiss and a scandalous groping session that required threatening and bribing the cameramen to prevent the tape from falling into media hands, and sent everyone into laughter, and the same hide who wanted just as much he wanted it never to end, hands shaking as he played his solo, pouting slightly as though he couldn't afford to break down-- and he could not, not during the solo.


It was epiphanous, and defeating to concede that it was the end as Toshi bent down upon his knees and elbows in supplication-- to the crowd, or to him, he couldn't tell. It was a loss that would have been no different from victory, because this X would not have come back. And it hurt. It hurt so much to press down upon the piano keys and say his lines, like walking toward the edge of a cliff when he didn't know if he could fly. It was when he bared who he truly was and became evermore real.


It was much later, after Yoshiki cried to the crowd, tapped out the last piano key, waved farewell, and dried his tears, when he found himself not spending New Year's Eve with the band that didn't exist anymore, celebrating, but with a clearly drunk hide at dawn, watching the sun rise through his apartment's giant glass windows.


When the sadness wouldn't go away, he couldn't help but ask hide, "What will become of us?"


The pink-haired man looked at him, and his glazed eyes flashed clear for a second. "I don't know, Yo-chan. But I hope it wasn't like last night."


Yoshiki never remembered hide being so clear when drunk as then. The night was an unpleasant dream and perhaps the words at dawn were mere figments of his imagination. Even if it were, he would rather stay in his dream. It was a dream where X was alive and hide was with him.

VII. To Bring Heaven To His Knees

It was a city that refused to be sensible; it was a city that refused to be real; it was a city that lived upon a facade; in the frantic lifestyle, it was a city that reflected their states of minds, a contrast of sluggish days and fast-moving nights. It was admittingly easier to escape to the nagging light of the press in another country, although people randomly spotted them and ran up to them, gushing. They would just smile and sign autographs and there were no questions as to why only they were showing up in pairs-- no one asked those sort of questions.


hide didn't mind getting dragged to expensive restaurants where the two of them looked very much like business associates save for his bright pink hair that always caught a few turned heads or two, because it was nothing like the boring political formalities the Diet required, not when Yoshiki always reserved a smile and words that no one else should have heard. The sunglasses gave away nothing because everyone wore sunglasses--- even when they weren't at those restaurants, but rather a club on Sunset. He laughed when Yoshiki found it more favorable to get through McDonalds with the drive-through, and even moreso when the servers at the drive-through through still recognized him and clamored for an autograph.


Everything blended raw, neon with gray and the hum of millions walking about. It wasn't a surprise to find each other showing up at the same studio lot, and end up visiting each other. The sound engineers didn't blink, and were only mildly surprised whenever hide decided to be slightly more scandalous than would have been appropriate. The bands that were on Extasy shook their heads and decided whatever their producer was doing, it was fittingly rockstarish and Southern Californian.


Yoshiki was not particularly surprised to find hide scribbling away at lyrics in a side room, for hide always seemed busy, like he was.


"What's this one called??" He leaned over hide's shoulder, one hand teasing at the bright pink and black hair


"A little lower, eh?" hide asked jokingly, stretching his neck. Then he responded, "A little something special, which you'll see in a while."


"That means you're planning something..."


"We're always planning something. Isn't that the point?"


Yoshiki sighed. "Actually, I came to find you because I was listening to the vocals you sent me. I'm not sure if I like the voices...They're not what I wish they are."


hide shook his head. "You wish they are Toshi's voice though you say you hate him. You know there's no other voice like his, and even if you hate him, you still love him."


"If you left, do you think I would be satisfied with any other guitarist?"


hide grinned. "Just a guitarist, eh?"


With a glance at the closed door, Yoshiki relented. "Do you think I'd be happy with any other lover?"


hide jumped up abruptly and grabbed Yoshiki in a hug, nearly tipping him over. "Of course not! No one can replace me. I'm so special, are't I?"


Yoshiki sighed. "I must be rubbing off on you..."


hide wagged a finger in his face. "Here, I don't see why you're so secretive about us. No one actually knows us and it's not as if they care."


"There are glass walls here, hide-chan," Yoshiki reminded him. "What would the fans think?"


"They think what they want from what they see," hide replied wickedly, "and if we show them something, they'll take it as they wish." One hand snaked to Yoshiki's waist, the other at the nape of the neck, pulling him closer.


It was the sound of the door opening and a cough shortly after that sent them jumping apart by reflex, though hide firmly grabbed Yoshiki's wrist before they could truly separate themselves.


Ina stood nonchalantly at the doorway, hands in his pockets. "Before you guys get back to screwing-- around, that is, I just wanted to tell hide that he's got a meeting with some legal advisors over LEMONed tomorrow at 10 AM. They tried to reach you last night but said that no one answered at the office, home, cell, or secondary phone line." He shook his head briefly. "Copyright stuff, it seems. It'd be hardly kind to send just me in a pit of sharks, even for you."


hide nodded and spread his hands out apologetically. "We were preoccupied--" Yoshiki pressed a hand to his forehead. "--with some...things. I'll be there tomorrow, promise."


When Ina left, hide rolled his shoulders, stretching slightly. "What is it that we do when we have free time, Yo-chan?" he asked.


"Do I really need to answer?"


There was a tired smile. "Sometimes it's almost a fear...we are managing to get somewhere, no? That is, whenever we aren't so absorbed in everything we do."


Yoshiki reached out, brushing a knuckle against a rounded cheek in a gesture of reassurance. "It's happening right now, isn't it?"


Who was he to doubt him, to doubt himself?

It always started with a point in the conversation where it turned ugly. He'd talk about something, hide would disagree, and then the topic spiraled into something else. Sometimes it was petty and easy to make up, sometimes it was not in its brutal honesty. Sometimes Yoshiki wondered why it was they would have their most lucid conversations when drunk.


"Oh, remember the time in the morning where you were drunk so early that you decided to go for a swim and nearly drowned?" hide laughed in reminiscence, nursing his fourth bottle of beer, having waited ample time for Yoshiki to show up for a date. "That would have been bad...imagine, 'Leader of X Japan drowns himself while drunk!' A terrible loss!"


Yoshiki shook his head. "I'm never doing that again. That was a while back, and I was more foolish then."


"Everyone's foolish, Yo-chan," hide reminded him, "no matter how old you get. There's always something that you've never experienced before."


"You're allowed that sort of liberty," Yoshiki responded. "You're allowed to be strange, humorous, insane...to be outside of conformity and still be adored and admired."


"And you are the one who wanted to break the mold, who'd cross-dress on national television, make yourself a fearsome beast at the drums and something as refined as the Emperor himself at the piano. Even when you abandoned the physical image, it's not as if people wll forget you for what you were." hide turned sarcastic. "Why should the great Yoshiki care about what others think?"


"People are contradictory." He found his voice taking a bitter edge. "And yet, if you left your visual image, what would the fans think?"


hide laughed. "I've always been the most visual member, haven't I? And I've lost some of it as well...but in truth, if I dropped my image altogether, I don't know what would happen. People would still remember me as they remember you and your wedding dresses, wouldn't they? Maybe I'll lose fans who liked me for the image, maybe I'll gain fans for being 'normal.' I doubt that I can be 'normal' though. People are picky like that. Everything we do, it's in the spotlight. The reaction is unpredictable."


Yoshiki tapped aimlessly at the tabletop for a while, soaking in the surrounding noise before he finally said, "You're doing well, you have nothing to fear. This project of ours...it'll take longer than it should be. I wish things were easier, and at the same time, I know I should like this difficulty..."


hide finished his bottle before he responded, brows furrowed. "What do you mean by that? We have no problems!"


"We're always breaking the rules, aren't we? And what allows us to be successful? Something. It doesn't mean we'd always be successful."


"Don't bring that up, Yo-chan. I don't need that from you."


Yoshiki shook his head. "You're drunk, hide-chan. You're always more touchy when you're drunk."


hide shook his head and wagged a finger at Yoshiki. "That isn't true! I'm just close to drunk, that's all. Speaking of wedding dresses, why don't you find that old wedding dress and I'll prove to you just how 'touchy' I can be."


The drummer blushed faintly at the lascivious tone. "I don't think I can find that dress right now. But I can take you up on the latter part of your offer."


"Consider it done!" hide got up, scraping his seat across the ground. "Your place or mine?"


"Unless you want one of your friends walking in, I think it'll be mine."


"Oh, I forgot that..."


"And seeing as to the fact you are obviously not going to drive..." He trailed off as hide proved his point, standing, wobbling slightly. "And just what did you have before I got here to witness your beerfest? A whole bottle of Jack Daniels?"


"Not quite," hide responded, "but something close to it. Pata recommended it to me when I last called him."


"Then I need to call Pata and tell him to stop this, shouldn't I?"


"Ah, but what would the fun be then? And what makes you think you're good enough to drive?"


"Because you're currently draped over me nondiscretely, having consumed quite enough alcohol, while I had far less than my tolerance level and am not falling over my own feet." Yoshiki guided hide into car, though it was not quite necessary, and then seated himself. "Not to mention, it's MY car."


"Right," hide smiled dangerously, "your precious car."


It was upon the severe downhill slope of a hill when hide decided that the ride was boring. Some part of his brain said it wasn't safe, the rest of brain said fuck it, it's better this way, and that was exactly how Yoshiki ended up with hide nuzzling his neck, struggling to keep a foot on the brakes to keep his car in control despite his shuddering and other more than minimal distractions hide's quick hands were preoccupied with.


"hide, what the fuck are you doing?" he managed between his lips.


"What does it look like, hm?" His tone was husky, and did not reassure Yoshiki when it came to driving.


"Not when I'm -driving.- Getting us killed is not a good idea."


"Ah, but what's the fun..." hide sighed, pouted, and then resumed his ministrations. "...where there's no danger, where's the thrill?"


The drummer's breath was rapidly quickening. "hide, I'm trying to drive in perilious roads where you've more than enough times barely avoided accidents when not drunk. This isn't helping ME. If we're dead, what's the fun?"


"It's a long and winding road...and I never said I was the best driver." hide chuckled, unbuckling his seatbelt. "But I'm sure you won't get us killed..."


Yoshiki had a sarcastic reply in mind ("Oh no! Not me! But YOU--"), but it was one that disappeared quickly. He discovered that red lights were extremely useful, ever so thankful that one red light usually meant a red at the next one, and a fortunate thing that the windows were tinted enough so that the towering SUVs that graced the road couldn't see inside, and even more fortunate that it was late and the police were slacking in their patrols, for it could have very easily been a speeding ticket and an embarrassing situation.


"hide! Stop it!"


Soft gasps.


"Do you really want to stop?" It was wicked touch.


"Not here, not now!" And yet, there was an edge he knew and felt, a body responding as a body did.


"I heard that many times, Yo-chan. It's more interesting this way, much more thrilling."


His mind wanted the car on smooth cruise control, impossible in the twining, twisting canyon roads, and the senses reminded him that the car was swerving drunkenly, hidden only by the silent and desolate hills so late into the night. It was a very fortunate thing that the further into the hills they drove, the more empty the surroundings became. The posh sports car pulled into the driveway, a sudden halt that jolted hide forcefully forward with ponders as to why the airbags had not yet activated-- the stop was harsh in a race to stop the easy and rapid acceleration of the car-- as a squeal rose in the air, tires whining at the slamming brakes. When the whistling faded away, there was nothing to hear except his own breathlessness, a combination of anxiety and frustration packed into a storm that hung over him, and hide's soft laughter.


"God himself couldn't have done better!" hide exclaimed, a mocking voice for Yoshiki only. "Ah, what a man Yo-chan is, and look, the airbags didn't go off."


"That could have gotten us killed," he told him.


"So? It's not as if you haven't done enough things that could have gotten you killed."


"Us, hide, you -and- me. It's not one person."


"I would rather have us die together at the same time, then, than being separated and suffering that separation." His reply was instant, almost caustic. "You know damn well what I would have done if you killed yourself."


Yoshiki immediately pulled hide close to him, eyes wide, still breathless, though for entirely different reasons. "Don't you dare do that, don't you dare. If you made me promise not to ever do that again, what gives you the liberty to do follow?"


hide didn't respond, but rather kissed him forcefully, raging and fierce. When he pulled away, his eyes shone in the starlight, reflecting what lurked beneath. "It doesn't have to happen, Yoshiki, and as long as it does not happen, it's fine. But if it should, then the more brief the suffering, the better."


Yoshiki shoved at him, hissing softly. "It's not that simple, hide. It's never that simple. It wasn't that simple when we started fucking, and it certainly hasn't gotten any simpler."


"Then it would just be like old times." hide shifted over to Yoshiki's seat, slightly awkward as he tried to be sleek, impossible in his inebriated state. There was a certain hostility in both of their eyes, a sort that showed up in their silent battle for dominance. He caught Yoshiki's wrists in one hand, pinning the drummer against the seat with his weight, lips moving up along one side of his neck, nipping sharply. He felt Yoshiki reflexively arching his neck, gasping, and moved to his lips instead. His touch ghosting over a flat stomach was a familiar feeling, the sound of just the two of them was intimately familiar and rightly so, and hide knew exactly what he was doing, because he had done it so many times before. He was the only one who could make Yoshiki cry with a simple breath, the only one who where to touch, to caress, to fondle, and make his back bow in a beautiful arc.


It was those things that finally made Yoshiki relent and give in, to stop resisting and fighting. He loosened his grasp on his wrists and the drummer slipped one hand out, running through hide's bright pink hair. Yoshiki pulled away slightly, eyes half-lidded.


"We must be insane," the old young man whispered to hide, "here and now...you must be insane, to do this...and I must be as well."


"It's not as if we're waking anyone else."


Yoshiki pushed hide back against the steering wheel, smiling as the horn squawked. "We did now."


hide shrugged. "I don't care. You know that."


His expression sobered. "What do you care for, then? Being carefree is one thing, being stupid is something else."


It infuriated him. It was as if Yoshiki did not trust him, and never quite understood him. "Do you want me to say that I care about you? You know I do. I can say so many things, and people know I don't mean everything. Don't you trust me?"


Yoshiki closed his eyes, sighing. "I do, hide. I do. You know me well, you should. You know how few others I trust, and I trust you so much, it's painful."


hide moved so that he straddled the younger man and leaned close to Yoshiki, resting his head upon his shoulder. "You never let go, do you?"


"Don't you ever wonder, hide? You're the idol of so many people, people who love you, who say they love you, who wish they were in my position just to be close to you-- and yet, if they knew, wouldn't they be crushed? The responsibility I hold, I wouldn't want to put on anyone else...would you?"


"You're the one who's asking me to take responsibility, no?"


"That's not my point."


"I know, Yo-chan. I wouldn't want to hurt people. Not when there's no reason to."


"We should get out of the car, shouldn't we?"


"I don't mind this place, it's nice and cozy and very exhibitionistic."


"...You need to drink less, hide-chan. And cut down on the smoking if you plan on living here longer."


"Ah, but that's why I'm going back to Japan--"


"And I'm staying here."


"The things I put up with..."


Yoshiki huffed. "Speak for yourself--"


hide hushed him.


Yoshiki began to relax against his seat and pulled hide into a loose hug. "Tell me hide, why?"


"Why what?..."


"Why do you love me?"


hide told him.


hide dreamed:


A setting sun is framed against the skyline, orange and red, bleeding. The waves reach up and crash at the sky, only thickening and spreading the color instead of diluting it.


He can see Yoshiki talking to Toshi, Toshi's unheard words, and the silent cracking of a dream. He can see the very action he knows Yoshiki had not done though he wanted to-- fall to his knees as do the waves fall back to the ocean, hugging Toshi, crying salty tears for him to stay, to leave, to return their friendship to the way it was. It is uncharacteristic of Yoshiki to do that, hide knows, even as he sees it before him. He knows the taste of the tears, the desperate embrace of Yoshiki, the frame-wracking sobs he is prone to whenever he is left exposed-- very few times, in truth--, and the rumbling cries in pain and pleasure.


It seems as though his tears were red and gushing, as though the crimson became richer. If one can shed tears of blood, that is precisely what Yoshiki would do. Where Yoshiki ordinarily would not be seen doing, he begs.


He begs for Toshi not to leave, not to destroy everything that was between them, not when everything is reaching its peak.


hide runs toward them, not sure of what to do. He hates to see them unhappy, he hates to see them sad, and he hates the fact he is at least partially responsible for Toshi's decision. He wraps Yoshiki in a tender embrace, questioning, but not accusing, eyes at Toshi.


However Toshi sugarcoats his words for the press, hide knows the truth. It is not just a difference of musical direction, because people are never that simple. It is because Toshi senses that everything around Yoshiki would be associated with hide, and Toshi cannot stand it out of bitter jealousy. hide understands this, because if he was in the same position, he would have as well.


It is a question of which was stronger: the love for Yoshiki, or the jealousy.


It is strange, hide realizes, that Yoshiki is the one that controls the band, and yet, he cannot stop his best friend from leaving. Perhaps if they never loved like so, perhaps then this can be avoided. He does not tell Yoshiki this, but rather cradles him close. It is not a weak and fragile man accepting his touch; it is a man born of self-confidence and skill trying to understand when everything happens like this.


And then hide cannot remember how the time passes. It passes, he knows, and he loves the time as he can, because he is happy, sad, upset, frustrated, estatic---


It is because perfection is overrated, hide thinks. Lovely to achieve, but impossible, except for Yoshiki. He was still lovely in his frustration, incomplete by only the slightest fraction, and evermore captivating. He cannot remember if it is a single period of time for a person to shine, or if it was eternity. He hopes it is for eternity, because it would be best that way.


"Hey, hide-chan?"


"Oh, Yo-chan! Miss me already?"


"Something similar. Who was that at the phone?" That strange airhead sounding girl, he didn't tack on.


"Just a girl, you know. My publicity agent faced some problems with why I didn't seem to have a girlfriend, so I figured I'd get someone over and leave the rest to whatever they want. It could have been a cousin and the press would tear at it like sharks. They always do." Casual, very much so.


He let the soft international wire crackle fill the silence. "...I see."


The reply was very soft, as if no one else around should have heard. "You know it means nothing."


"Of course I know." It should not, of course, it never should.


"The sex means nothing. You know that. It's the relationship I avoid, because I've got you, Yo-chan."


"That's what we thought. Just sex, nothing else. And where did that get us?"


"Ah, but the chemistry! We work so well together! We're perfectly timed in rhythm!"


"I can hear you leering." He felt his lips stretch into a smile.


"Hey, hey. It works both ways."


"For the best, I guess. But down to the real matter: how long are you going to be in Japan?"


"Oh, a while, I suppose. Depending on how the next release works out, I may end up touring even more extensively. Considering on coming back here?"


"I wanted to show you a few pieces I wrote. Depending on the vocals, of course...but I have the parts set to work with a second soprano to tenor range. If it is otherwise, I can still fix it easily."


"Have you considered on looking for a female? I tell you, Yo-chan, it'll be hard to find another male soprano."


"It's possible. If we were possible, I don't see why not."


"Ah, haven't you heard? Pata's had to change numbers to avoid all the people calling him for a band and stuff. He's complaining about how bored he'd be outside of the work for you and me. Heath isn't faring better."


"I've gotten some calls...but it's mostly from the orchestral side. They want me to play piano. I suppose no one calls for drumming because they're afraid I'd say the drum part was too boring."


"Keep stroking that ego, Yo-chan. You know your drum parts are beyond some drummers."


"Keep feeding me, hide-chan. It does well."


"You must have a very good image in your head."


"Pervert."


"Just like that, Yo-chan. Just like that. The next time I get some privacy--"


"I'll be doing something special..."


"Oh, you have something planned?"


"Something similar."


"Oh, I'm shivering in anticipation--- ow!" There was someone laughing in the background.


"What was that?"


"I just kicked against a table leg badly, that's all."


"After breaking your ankles?"


"It wasn't -quite- breaking my ankles, Yo-chan. I'm fine."


"The shit that you get into when drunk. It looks like I'll have to come over just to make sure you wouldn't do anything stupider."


"Yeah, yeah, whatever Yoshiki-mother."


"Do I look female to you?"


"You did."


"I bite my tongue just for you, but I also have other things at hand." He paused. "I suppose...I want to be as successful as I was, but with a group, with -you-, with a group like X. I don't want to be one of those people who do one or two things and then fade away. I want to be a lasting image, to defy everything and rewrite the rules. That was what we wanted with X, wasn't it?"


"You and me both, Yo-chan, you and me both. I don't doubt you. If anything, I think the two us...supposing the press found out, we'd be rather infamous in the very least. But you know, people love us."


"People love you and your insanity. How much they love me, and will love me if they find out will be another matter."


"You were a crossdresser, Yo-chan, wedding dress and all. I don't think people would be too surprised."


"That does not necessarily mean one would be in a homosexual relationship--"


"But you are. So am I. What's wrong with that?"


"Nothing. Nothing except the fact people may not exactly rejoice at the idea of two favored idols fucking each other. Nothing, really."


There was a heavy sigh at the other end before there was finally a reply. "Yo-chan, what's really wrong?"


"There's so many things to consider, to do, to anticipate. ...I don't want this thing between us to end, and I don't want people to find out, not now."


"Why?"


"Because if anything, I think it will destroy us. I fear many things, and you know that, hide-chan. ...But I think I fear losing you the most of all."


"I've told you many times, Yoshiki. I'll always be there, no matter what. We have our lives before us when we've already accomplished more than what other people could hope for-- what could go wrong? I understand the not now part, but they will have to find out sometime."


"There's nothing to keep secret, is there?"


"What can you want?"


"Privacy. Of course, that sort of impossibility..."


There was a bitter laugh. "Yo-chan, you know exactly how far that can exist. The fact it's been a secret for as long as we've kept it is proof that we're under control, though barely. How many close calls have we had? It's a fortunate thing we were hanging out together long before it amounted to anything so that now, people don't suspect too much. Besides, you know how much people like to assume."


"We let them assume things, tossed a few hints, and let it be. I don't know how much the stage crew liked to believe backstage..."


"I'm suppose to be like that, you know."


"And I'm not."


"I understand what you mean, but Yo-chan, this relationship is essential only to ourselves. It should not have to affect the music scene or the fans."


"The fans love the music, and they love the person. A person always affects another. I want everything to stay the same, or become better, never worse. It simply shouldn't be."


There was a long pause. "Yo-chan, is it still raining there?"


"hide-chan, you know the rainy season lasts only through March, not late April."


"I know. But LA is so strange. What's that thing...El Nino changes all the time. The rain is terrible in LA."


"It's sunny here, the kind of day where you can't see the clouds."


"Just the smog, eh?"


"Something like that. Everything is unpredictable, after all."


"Yo-chan, when we first started and everything looked dismal, you still kept dreaming despite the odds, and now, look. You're famous beyond means. What's this surge of uncertainty?"


He couldn't respond at once, because there was too much he did not want to admit to. "I don't know hide-chan. There's just a whole bunch of things I'm not confident about...you know how it is. I can see the finished product in my mind's eye, but in reality, it doesn't work precisely like that."


"Yo-chan, don't do this. It's okay to be imperfect."


"hide-chan, this is what I am."


"I know, Yo-chan, and I lo---" He was cut off as the former female voice yelled sharply at hide to join her in whatever.


"Perhaps you should join her," he commented crisply. "We can finish this later."


There was another sigh. "It's not your fault. And I suppose you're right. We can finish this later, because there's still plenty time. Don't worry about it, okay? Everything will work out for the best."


"That is what I want."


"Bye, Yo-chan." A laugh. "And many hugs and kisses, 'kay?"


There was a click and the line died.


He wondered when this "later" would come.

VIII. This Is What We Have Become

He dreams:

The night view of Tokyo is before them, many floors up. The lights sprawl across the landscape, twisting and curling as a dragon. Toshi stands in a suit next to him, arms folded behind his back, away from him He wears sunglasses inside to shield himself from the bright flourescents. Yoshiki is at ease, an open shirt and tailored pants. They refuse to look at each other.


"It is beautiful, isn't it?" His voice can be barely heard, a contrast to his harsh screaming.


"It is. And it dirties the land all the same." His own voice was low.


"Everything is like that, isn't it? The price for one glorious thing is something far uglier."


"What is the price for X, then? My injury? No, it must be something greater because I have overcome that."


"You never did," Toshi reminds him. "If you still drum, you will still hurt. Such isn't the price."


"I always win in the end. I come out alive, I come out the victor."


"Do you always want that?"


"I would."


"Very characteristic of you. You haven't changed at all."


"And you have?"


"You've changed me, Yoshi. I was the good little boy. You were the delinquent. But it's all for the rockstar image, isn't it? The makeup, the hair, loss of an old identity for something new."


"Do you regret it?"


"Sometimes, yes, sometimes no. Change flows carefully when you are famous, doesn't it?"


"And you say I haven't changed."


"Your characteristics." Toshi sighs. "Arrogant, sure, confident, conceited."


"I have reason to believe in my powers."


"I don't doubt you. But your qualities are tiresome, especially when I cannot change you."


"I will change as I see fit."


"You could change slowly with hide. You do, in some way. You insist you surrender nothing, and yet, you will surrender everything for him even when you don't want to. Even when you didn't realize it, I knew it would happen. Did you know, Yoshiki, I would have done the same for you if it happened between us?"


"We have nothing between us now."


"Indeed. Absolutely nothing."


Yoshiki turns away, shirt tail flapping. "I want nothing of this. I hate you."


The view does not change and he finds Tokyo still before him. Toshi still stands next to him, never touching him.


"You refuse to leave me alone?"


"It's not me. It's you. It's your fault, you know," Toshi tells him. "If not everything in X was stamped with your name upon it, if you had not ignored me, if you would admit to your weaknesses. X was a beautifully smooth crescendo, rising to fortisimo of likes unparalleled, only to be cut off right there and then, just as you composed Kurenai with a crescendo on cymbals that cut off. Doesn't it make you angry with frustration, if your own hand should dictate the future without realizing it?"


He does not reply because he knows it is partly true.


He is surprised, but his body does not react to feeling hands from behind upon his naked abdomen, caressing him. At the touch of lips upon his neck, he cannot help but press back in the body against him, throwing his head back, and he knows it is hide. He is peripherally aware of Toshi's hidden gaze and thin-drawn lips. He wants it seen, a stabbing desire to provoke jealousy. He wants it seen, hide reaching for a kiss, running fingers through his hair, nuzzling his jawline, making him arch his back as one hand teases a nipple and the other unbuckles his belt, slipping into his pants. He shudders, moaning softly, and closes his eyes as his legs buckle and he slips to his knees.


The gentleness could break him.


The floor is cold, white marble, even brighter in its harshness. Toshi is not at his side.


hide is no longer gentle, and he likes it better. It makes him gasp and tense, and cruel seeming actions satiates a fury when other things could not. It is his drug where his mind cannot forget pain, and the desire. He prefers the bruising kiss in the end, and though it is not always hide's nature, he requests it of him.


"Was it just the beauty?" Yoshiki asks.


"No," is the reply. "It is many things I cannot explain. It is also the uncharacteristic actions we take."


Toshi is before him, and Yoshiki is trying to think. He does not feel the same way if it were hide, though he could not understand why. There is truly nothing for him; his hate for Toshi is gone, his sadness gone, everything gone.


"He had your heart before you realized I had mine for you," Toshi said. "And it is very sad that nothing more amounted to it."


The Tokyo night stays.

In the pseudo-night of Los Angeles, he wakes, missing the body that typically lied next to him. The drawn shades cannot hide the streetlights and the hum of the city even in what should be the twilight hours. The morning mist is rolling in, spidery and thick, consuming the city, only to be burned away in the sun. A city caught in dreams and nightmares; it is fitting he should stay here. If only it is a city of angels...



"I'm leaving, and I can't stay."


"Why not?"


"Because it hurts to see you with him."


A friend of twenty years, just like that? "Ok."


"Do you even care?"


"X is not X without you, you know that. And X means everything to me. You wouldn't reconsider?"


"I'm not going to let you win. I don't hate you, though. I want to be honest with you, because I'd still be your friend."


"A friend of many years does not just step away now. You know X is incomplete without you."


"Then perhaps you can save years of your life by no longer drumming such demanding songs."


"That's not the reason."


"Perhaps it's my own selfish reasons. But I want to leave."


"It's your wish. I can't change that. If you think you can survive by yourself in this music market, go ahead."


"I know I can. But that's not the real issue, and you know that."


"Aren't you marrying, Toshi? I shouldn't be the one on your mind then, and I am also taken."


"You're angry that I'm leaving, and you would not go beneath yourself."


"Do what you want, Toshi. Do what you really want to do. You've already hurt me."


He can still taste the bitterness.

VIII. sic transit gloria
Yoshiki

-I don't think I tell you this enough.


Tell me what?


- That I love you. I will always love you.



"Matsumoto Hideto, age 33,"


No.


"known for his bright hair and unique personality-"


No.


"was found dead in his bathroom this morning."


No.


"It appears to have been suicide-"


No.


"-though testing has shown he was drunk-"


No.


"-so it may have been accidental."


No.


"We mourn the loss of this man-"


No.


"-and hope he rests in heaven."


No.


"For many, he has been a source of inspiration-"


No.


Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn off the fucking television.


It shouldn't be. It couldn't be. It was everything he hated happening, he feared, the loss, his love, and everything didn't make sense because he couldn't be dead, because hide simply couldn't decide one day to go kill himself while he was drunk-- hide certainly did stupid things when he was drunk, but suicide wasn't one of them and an accidental death was so outrageous it wasn't even funny--


hide was 33, his mind reminded him. 33, like his dad.


He was crying that night, because he couldn't understand why his mother pulled him away and into her chest, trying to hide him, shield him, and prevent hysteria. He couldn't understand why his dad wasn't answering him, wasn't responding, wasn't moving, wasn't doing anything but just lying there. The friends said it was unfortunate he had to find it, that it was unfortunate he had to face it at such a young age, that he had no father figure to live up to-- and it was anger, a sad anger since he understood what happened, at his father, and then, he thought he could forgive him.


He was crying again.


It was the same sad anger that returned when Toshi left. It turned to fury and grief. How could a person be so angry, so sad, and so lost all at once? It was that sort of indifference as he brushed off various appointments and meetings, the cold dread that overcame him as he stood at the door of his home, not caring at all how much of it he had destroyed in fits of rage.


It was not until he saw hide's body when the memories flooded back, as though contrasting between the pale, lifeless corpse and the vibrant, passionate man it once was. For a moment, it felt like a joke, as though hide might jump up any minute and yell "Surprise!" as part of an elaborate plan. His face was not foreign, a peaceful relaxed expression Yoshiki saw many times whenever he awoke first. A shake at the shoulders that should have elicited a soft groan and fumbling from him did nothing; instead, he felt the traces of stiffness a body held after death.


hide was dead.


He felt himself collapsing at first, and people surrounding him in a mob. He yelled at them to get away, and pushed himself up, not caring at all if he could or would, or wanted to, leash the fury and pain. He sank down, as did everything around him, tears upon his face he couldn't stop, a trembling he couldn't control, and a hole he couldn't dig himself out of. He could not hear the people around him tell him how much they understood his grief, because this was -his- grief, and they never would understand. This was his dream, his hopes, his love. There was no partner to accompany him onto his next few steps, no one to reassure him that everything he did would be alright, no one to give him that little edge over his fears and continue on, and no one to love him as much as he had been loved.


He cried beyond when he thought he could not, and when he could not cry, he was angry, angry at many things, including hide and himself.


Drunk, they concluded at the autopsy. Sadly, just an accident. No suicide note, nothing to indicate he wanted to kill himself-- of course not, since he just talked to him a bit back about not doing anything stupid and then he went and killed himself. It was all the things that didn't make sense, and it hurt.


It was as if when before, all his dreams came true in X, then came his string of fears. When people asked if it was conceited to call it the "Last Live" when there was a chance of regrouping, he was right, because with hide dead, he didn't want a regrouping with anyone else. When hide asked him why he wrote the final song as "The Last Song," if they were going to regroup, his dread was true. Because it really was the end now. The memories stayed with him, plaguing him, telling him that everything that was done signified the end and look now, it was, it was.


It was as if he was granted that one last time, a last time to touch hide and hold him, and watch simply the end of X before him. Except he knew that the real last time he had talked with hide was a conversation that left him unsatisified and strangely worried, and a touch of dissent between them.


He hated himself.


When he saw Toshi for the first time after the concert, he wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't tell if he hated him or loved him more, and became as human to Toshi as he had been before the persona that was Yoshiki took over. He could barely speak his words clearly.


"Toshi-chan, this shouldn't have happened."


The response was genuine. "It shouldn't have. I'm truly sorry, Yoshi-chan."


"This isn't him at all. It couldn't be. He told me when I...when I nearly killed himself, that I could not because the world would miss a genius. And now, he is dead. He's right, but it's not me. It's him. And yet, I couldn't dream this would happen... It wasn't his time. It should never be his time."


Toshi did not respond to him, because he could not.


"I miss him, Toshi. I miss him. This isn't what I wanted... I wanted not to end it all with bitterness."


"Really?" Toshi asked softly, almost warning. "That's what I wanted, too, Yoshi-chan. I wish it didn't end like it did."


He lowered his gaze, tapping at the sunglasses that hid a weary face and bloodshot eyes. "I loved you both, but in different ways. You changed, Toshi. You aren't who you were--"


"And neither are you."


"--and neither am I. But these changes work out differently. You're married now, aren't you? And you're still bitter over me. Let it go."


"When you let go of hide, Yoshi. Then everything could change for the better."


He could feel a fine trembling in his limbs and anger rising. "We met for hide, Toshimitsu, to grieve over a man that everyone loves. Don't ask me that. Don't make it worthless-- don't make him worthless."


"I suppose this isn't the best time to talk, is it?" Toshi asked softly. "You have your time, I have mine. Nevermind then. We'll talk again when you and I let go, then, won't we?"


He nodded softly. "When we both let go."

IX. Fall

They say that the bleached-blonde young man-- not really young, more middle-aged-- who ordered a decaf latte in accented English everyday and sat to watch the sunset, orange light reflecting off his sunglasses, was a tragic young man grown weary and old. They say they have never seen his eyes because he always wore his sunglasses and by the time nightfall came, he melted into the shadows and left in an expensive car, as those sort of people did.


They say he went down to Santa Monica once a year-- not that they could really tell, but he did go south and rumors said Santa Monica-- and came back none better. Perhaps, they mused, he was someone famous fallen from the limelight for whatever reason it may have been, a foreign star that just couldn't work out well in America. They got plenty of those around. They did know he was wealthy; wealthy people tended to be just like that. Even stranger was the way all the giggling fake blondes couldn't get his attention-- he couldn't be homosexual, because those type of people lived and stayed in West Hollywood.


In truth, they really couldn't figure out what he was. He didn't fit in their stereotypes and for the most part, stayed out of their lives.


Even to the workers and his employees at Extasy, they had very little idea of what went on in his head. He came to the studios in the early morning, he worked almost nonstop except for a few breaks, and he did not leave until late night. Those who did know his history said very little about it, except to reprimand the newcomers who whined about working obscene amounts of hours. Respect was always the case, and in truth, he was a man to be respected, be it that he wore makeup and fishnet at one point in his life, or not. And those who had worked at the studio the longest always remembered pink-haired man who had come, and gone forever, taking some irreplaceable with him.


The old young man worked very hard despite the things upon his mind. He was the type to lose himself in his work, the sort that the sound engineers dreaded because he really did work nonstop at times. With all the work he had recorded, he never released anything, because he said, "It isn't my time, yet."


The people always brought up the issue with all the recordings from the Last Live. "There's so much footage and content there. What are you going to do with it?"


He did not want to deal with it, but he realized he was simply running away from the truth, for more than a year, really. "I suppose people want to hear it...they want to see it, and all of it was intended for that, wasn't it? We'll just have to work with it."


The staff at Extasy was not particularly eager to handle the task, though quite eager to hear and see what their manical producer did in his past. Nonetheless, when they heard everything, everything, they realized why he did not want to work on it for such a length of time. Tears, very appropriately, even from him. The sunglasses frequented his face very often even inside the studio during that time.


It hurt to see and hear. It hurt very much, for him, to think back to the days when everything was nothing.


To escape it, sometimes he would sit back and remember the days whenever his work was enjoyable not just for the music, but the companionship as well. Those days seem very far away now.


"Yoshiki? Are you alright?"


He shakes his head, pulling himself out of a dream. "I am fine. Where was I?"


"Here, at 4:23. You said you wanted to redo the vocals."


"Ah, I see. More balance, I think. There was something off."


It is a bit later when the old and experienced engineer comes back and asks him, "What was it you were thinking about today, enough so that even you would lose your place?"


He smiles slightly. "It is something not for your time," he says not to the older man, but to the rest that only pretend to be busy, wanting to find out more about their elusive producer.


He always dreams when he does not want to. They are dreams where hide was alive and X was with him, but they are better dreams in better nights; only when he wakes does he not want to dream.
-Fine-

Stuff

Disclaimers:

I apologize for an harm, insult, or grievances caused to X Japan, Yoshiki, Toshi, the late hide, the Japanese music industry, actual musicians who know I'm not much of a musician, Ferrari, the residents of Encino, Sunset Blvd. territory, and anyone somehow related to the things mentioned in this story. This story is obviously not real (though many people may speculate on how much truth there really was), but certain events did happen, such as the drowning incident, which one may learn of if you have seen the Last Live DVD (something like, hide and Yoshiki got smatteringly drunk while discussing their new album Dahlia, dived into a pool, and had be to dragged out by the crew before they drowned, so afterwards, they always held meetings by phone).
Most of the reference material used are the various translations from X-japan fansite X-Japan.de and various translations from the DAHLIA group (missing now? 2006). I'm very grateful for their translations.
Generally, I stay away from Real People Slash (RPS). I guess X is a little different, but it doesn't excuse my behavior. They presented an image of themselves, perhaps really who they were or perhaps not. It is like a fictional image, so to speak, like a "character" from a story, and they know they're providing an image and something that probably -isn't- who they really were. Then again, perhaps they became the very image they projected.

comments/criticisms at heiyunbaiyue[at]gmail.com
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