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Only Now	By : pissiMissi Category: Musicals/Plays > RENT Views: 1589 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Only Now
- 1
Written november 2005

PART I

Maureen and Joanne carried her scrawny body into the loft gently laying a shivering Mimi onto the table. Roger thought his heart would stop, running to her side he clutched onto her hand.
She was shivering violently, “I-I know you…you’re shivering…”
Everyone was frantic around them the only thing that registered to Roger was Mimi’s icy hands, “We need heat!” He shouted she was fading fast, No please not again! I can’t lose her! Not Mimi!
Mimi whispered faintly, “I should tell you…I love you...”
“Who do you think you are?” Roger said nearly weeping, “Leaving me alone with my guitar…Mimi, I wrote a song I want you to hear. It’s not much but it took all year.” With trembling fingers her began to play his guitar singing ‘Your Eyes’ tears gathered in his own eyes as he sang passionately to her.
Mark Cohen watched his best friend playing for the girl, he was pouring out his heart and soul to her, Mark just wished that it would be enough to keep her here. Roger was unstable, he loved Mimi the moment he met her, and he pushed her away the moment she wanted to be close to him. He was scared to have to watch her die. Mimi was unstable, she’d betrayed him and left, she’d gotten back into drugs any relationship they would have was a time bomb waiting to destroy them both. They were dying she a bit faster then he but knew how deeply Roger cared for this girl. He didn’t want Roger to hurt again.
When he was finished Roger held her soft hand to his tear stained face mouthing an ‘I love you’ as he stroked her curly locks. His fingers touching her cheek, so cold…
Mimi managed a tiny smile then her eyes lost focus and her hand dropped off the table.
“MIMI!” Roger screamed taking her lifeless body in his arms, “Oh god no!” He wept bitterly pressing his face against her neck his tears dripping on milky white her skin. “Mimi! Mimi!” He sobbed her name over and over again. This wasn’t happening! This couldn’t be happening! No please not Mimi not my Mimi! His legs gave out sending him crashing to the floor.
Collins, Maureen, Joanne, and Mark all around crying, begging, touching, trying to help him up off the floor. Nothing seemed real. No matter how hard they tried he wouldn’t be moved, Roger’s eyes were locked on her hand as it hung limply from the table, slowly traveling up her arm to her face. Her youth frozen forever in death, her hair no longer looked beautiful in the moonlight her brown eyes lost to him eternally. He felt the tears run down his temples as he lay flat on his back. Mimi.
He lay there for days it seemed when in reality it was only a few hours. Mimi was gone well they had moved her body anyway, his eyes still on the space she had once occupied. Roger licked his dried lips he was parched he wanted to cry he wanted to scream until his throat ruptured. Tears escaped his half closed eyes, he spoke his voice was weak with emotion, “How’d I let you slip away when I’m longing so to hold you….” His lips trembled, “Now I’d die for one more day….there’s something I should have told you…..oh g-god!” Roger rolled over seeing Mark walking towards him with a glass of water. Shaking he sat up carefully and leaned his back against the wall. It was apparent that the others had left, when he didn’t know for sure. All was quiet.
“You need to take your AZT,” he said handing his friend the glass, when Roger didn’t take it Mark placed the glass next to him on the floor
“What’s the point? I don’t have a reason to take it anymore….” Roger mumbled just loud enough for Mark hear.
“Don’t say that!”
“It’s true, Mark, I…I don’t have anything now,” Roger spoke with a lack of emotion in his voice that frightened Mark more then anything, his were eyes focused on something that seemed to go far beyond anything in the loft.
Mark felt his jaw tighten, “But you had such ambitions to start your rock band when you didn’t even know if Mimi still cared about you!” He shouted, he hadn’t meant for it to sound so cruel. Mark looked at his friend expecting him to yell back at him, but no Roger’s reaction terrified him even more.
Roger’s lips curled into a small smile that held no warmth, “You’re right….you better film this Mark, I’ve got something to say.” His voice held no feeling still, he couldn’t feel anything. “I always believed she would come back….”
Mark lowered his head, “I’m sorry.”
“What for? You’re not going to change my mind.”
Mark wanted to say that he had before, when April committed suicide. He didn’t trust Roger alone for weeks, staying constantly by his side. But Mark had never seen him refuse his AZT. Even when he wanted to kill himself Roger still took the meds, which made no sense. Mark knew he was scared but not enough to kill himself no matter how much he wanted to at least not that time. Mark wanted to cry he wanted to scream he wanted to shout he wanted his friend back and the man who sat before him was not Roger! Mark turned to see his camera on the table. Fuck. He’d left it on…again…all of that film now wasted. Another record of human drama in his hands, Mark picked it up and put it where Roger wouldn’t have a chance to look at it. Most likely he wouldn’t get up off the floor anyway.

PART II

Three days later Mark set a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal on the floor next to Roger with a clunk.
The bed he lay in was nothing more then an old mattress pushed against the wall. Roger opened his eyes lazily pretending to come out of a long sleep when in reality he had been awake the entire time.
It was interesting to hear what people had to say about him when they thought he wasn’t listening.
Collins had dropped by informing Mark of Mimi’s funeral preparations. There wasn’t much they could do just pull what little money they had together.
“How is he?” Collins asked.
“No better then yesterday he won’t eat or take his AZT,” Mark said dejected. “I’m worried….”
“Me too.”
But that was hours ago. Roger eyed the now soggy cereal before him then rolled over with a tiny groan. The mere thought of putting something in his mouth and expected to eat it made him want to give into fits of projectile vomiting.
He shivered and gathered the thin ragged piece of cloth that served as his blanket around himself as tightly as he could. He wished Mimi was there, Mimi was warm despite how much she shivered Mimi was always warm. Roger wanted to cry but no tears would come. He wasn’t that lucky.
He didn’t know how much time had passed when Mark came back into his room.
“You need to get up now, get dressed.”
No response.
Mark picked up the untouched cereal and frowned, “We don’t have the money to waste food like this, you know.”
Might as well be a woman, Roger thought, as much as he nags.
“Collins managed to get enough money for Mimi’s-”
“DON’T!” Roger sat up sorrow and anger in his eyes, “I’m not going.”
Mark flinched, “What?”
“I said I’m not going!”
“Why the hell not? Roger, you love her why would you not go?”
Roger stood up slowly, he had grown weak from neglecting his AZT but somehow he still managed to hold his ground. “I’m not going Mark. I’m just not.” He saw the sadness in his friend’s eyes, blinking away tears Roger returned to the mattress turning his face away, “Just go away, Mark.” Roger waited until he heard the door exiting the loft slam before he started wailing.
I can’t I can’t see another woman I love in a casket! It’s like I’m toying myself into thinking she’s going to wake up….oh Mimi…….Mimi…..me me….
Maureen and Joanne were holding each other crying, Collins stood off to the side with Benny, who somehow managed to escape Allison’s watchful eyes for the night. Mark straightened his glasses and joined Collins, as Benny left, greeting him with a nod.
There was a silent exchange between them, Collins’ eyes saddened at no sign of Roger but he said nothing about it.
“I wasn’t ready to be here again…so soon,” He said.
Mark only nodded in agreement, this was just the beginning for Mark and he knew it. He was going to lose his best friend Roger and Collins, his ex Maureen would move away with her girlfriend Joanne as soon as they were stable financially and in their relationship.
In the end Mark would be alone.
All were concerned at Roger’s absence but no one said a word. Mark left shortly after being there an hour.
“Rog, I’m home,” Mark said putting the bag on the table, “I bought some bananas and a few apples,” there was no response. He stopped, a verbal response wasn’t expected but there was no sound at all. “Roger?” He wouldn’t! Mark dropped the tea packets and ran into the back room fearing the worst, Roger, if you did something stupid I swear to God I’ll never forgive you!, “Roger!” He pushed the door open to find an empty room.

PART III

He threw the doors open he hands trembling violently, he grabbed the nearest person to him, an older man in a suit.
“C-Can I help you, sir?” The man stared back at him horrified grabbing his hands trying to loosen their grip on his clothes.
Roger was near hysteria he was shaking so bad his eyes were wide he was sure he looked like a crazy man, his voice was thick with emotion, “Mimi….” He choked out, “Mimi Marquez,” Tears blurred his vision.
The man nodded as if he understood, “I’m sorry, sir but you can’t see her, the viewing was earlier this evening.”
Roger gripped the man’s collar, “Dammit! Let me see her! Please!” He was pleading now, “I have to see her, she’s…was my girlfriend.”
“Okay okay,” The man nodded, “I will take you to her just make it quick.” He led Roger to a single room in the back were she lay. “I’ll come back for you in ten minutes,” the man said leaving Roger with her.
Trembling Roger stepped towards her.
You don’t want to watch me die.
“Mimi…”
I just came to say goodbye love….
Her voice echoed through his mind as he moved closer to her, his hands grazed the casket she lay in. It was such an ugly box. Mimi deserved something so much more beautiful, she deserved the finest not this piece of shit they had her in. I’m sorry, Mimi I’m so sorry, Roger looked down at her peaceful form, this was not his Mimi, the only time she looked peaceful is when she smiled when her hair shined in the moonlight and those brown eyes….
Her body was thin from the disease; her curly hair seemed to engulf her pale face. His fingers trailed down her cheek, “Oh god Mimi…” he whimpered her name softly giving into silent tears, “I should tell you….I should tell you I have always loved you…” he wept, “You can see it in my eyes…” Roger kissed her forehead, “Why’d you have to leave me? Mimi, why?”
It didn’t take him long to figure out where Roger had gone, he’d left his jacket as well. Mark grabbed it up and headed out the door.
He returned to the funeral home everyone was gone even Mimi, he asked if anyone had seen a man come searching for a Mimi Marquez and was led to the room. Mark could hear Roger on the other side he was crying, he pushed the door open slowly; he cringed seeing his friend holding onto his dead lover weeping over her. Roger wasn’t one to be open with his pain he would usually hide it, drowning himself in his guitar.
Roger lowered his head his eyes tightly closed as tears fell down his cheeks. She was gone. Why couldn’t he just accept that? This wasn’t his Mimi this was her shell, she wasn’t hurting anymore. She was probably off in a better place but he wanted her back now! Why…so she can suffer from this….this…disease a little longer with me? Roger kissed her forehead one more time before letting go of her.
He felt a hand touch his shoulder giving it a light squeeze, he turned around to see Mark behind him. Mark with that same old shirt and his favorite striped scarf. Mark is always there for me…. Before Roger could think of anything else he embraced his friend clinging to him as if for dear life.
Mark stumbled a little from the force of the hug but returned it patting his back gently, comfortingly. It felt awkward when Roger didn’t let go, Mark knew that his friend was hurting but this was so unlike Roger….I haven’t seen him cry this much the whole time I’ve known him. “Everything’s going to be okay, Rog,” he said, “You’ll get through this I’ll help you.”
Roger let go looked down at the floor.
Mark handed him his jacket, “Here put this on, let’s go home.”
Roger stumbled on the way out, he felt himself growing numb within, his heart no longer ached which scared him the most. With lack of emotional ache Roger was beginning to feel the effects of going out without protection from illness. Shit. God, my head….He covered the offending side of his face leaning against Mark as they walked back to the loft. Just like when he was a junkie, Roger would come home drunk out of his mind or stoned and Mark would stay by him and help him. Mark was always good at helping him; he always knew what to say and how to help. But this time Roger wasn’t so sure he could do that for him. No one can help….
Mark looked at him, he’s freezing, he put an arm around his friend thank god the loft was only a few feet away. “Roger, come on man we’re almost home,” he said practically dragging Roger up the stairs.
Oh god…she’s gone no more Mimi…Mark my head. Dammit it’s so hot….He felt himself falling against Mark.
“Roger!” Mark struggled to get him up on his feet, “Come on, you’ll be okay just stay with me.” Once they made it into the loft Mark helped his friend to the mattress, “You’re burning up…”
The last thing he remembered was Mark pulling off his sweat soaked jacket, a cold rag on his burning forehead and cheeks that damn scarf in his face as Mark lifted him up for his AZT, Mark begging him to stay up, and then everything went black. Just like the old days, Mark.

PART IV

. . . Find one song a song about love glory from the soul of a young man . . .
His head was throbbing when he came to, his eyes seemed impossible to open.
"Roger?"
A cold cloth on his skin, his cheeks his forehead, the touch made every part ache. Roger groaned feeling unconsciousness leave him for good, the cold rag touched his neck again making him jump, "Dammit, Mark! Stop that!" He snapped pulling the scrap of blanket against him in attempt to shield his eyes from the light, that thankfully hadn't blown this December.
"Sorry, I'm late..." Mimi moves to touch his hand but Roger pulls away violently
"What's your excuse this time? You forgot your keys...you needed a fix...how's Benny? I don't want to hear it!" He storms off.
"It's not..." Mimi lowers her head. "I'm sorry. . .”
Roger clinched his jaw tighter, no more tears there was no point in crying. Crying would not bring Mimi back, it didn’t bring April back so why continue to cry for Mimi? He sat up finding himself face to face with his best friend. Mark. No matter what happened Mark was always the same. That’s why Roger loved him so much, he stopped. Love? I love Mark as a brother. He is my brother.
“Are you feeling better?” Mark stood and was in the kitchen when he asked, Roger hadn’t noticed him moving to get up he was caught off guard by his own thoughts. When there was no response Mark turned to look at him, “Roger?”
Roger shook his head, “I’m fine.” It was the only exchange between them. He swallowed tears that threatened to surface and stood up slowly, his eyes glanced around the room over at his guitar he reached for it. The fender had been with him for a long time, he’d started playing in high school when he first met Mark. His fingers brushed against the strings, his lips curved into a small smile remembering how much he had suffered for his song. He’d played until his fingers bled while he was in Sante Fe and all to find his song.
Mark poured himself a cup of tea and sat at the table he listened as Roger played a few chords that sounded like ‘Your Eyes’ he sipped the tea and said nothing. He didn’t know what to say, Roger had lost April and now Mimi there was nothing he could do but be there for him. Mark would be there for Roger because he loved him, they were brothers in friendship, thicker then blood. He sighed and took another sip of the tea letting its warmth take effect. Closing his eyes Mark lost himself in Roger’s playing.
“What are you going to do, Marky?” Maureen asked shifting her weight in the uncomfortable chair at the kitchen table.
Folding his arms Mark shook his head, “I’m not sure. I need more footage but he’s...” he turned to make sure Roger was still asleep, “He’s really unstable right now I don’t think I should leave him alone.”
She rolled her eyes, “I guess I could babysit the poor musician, but only for an hour Joanne wants me to go with her to some family thing this weekend.” Maureen crossed her legs her forehead scrunched up she didn’t look happy about the situation.
“That’s unusually kind of you,” he noted.
“She promised me a treat if I was good,” she leaned forward waggling her eyebrows, “You remember those don’t you, Marky?”
He snorted and grabbed his camera, “I’ll be back in an hour.”
Roger heard the door slam and rolled over. So he’s left the lesbian to tend to me...oh joy. He really hated Maureen, it was that simple. He hated her because she was conceited and a huge bitch, she’d broke Mark’s heart when she left him for Joanne. But what Roger hated the most was that Mark still wasn’t over her and whenever she needed anything Mark would come running to her without a second thought.
A few minutes later Roger willed himself up and walked into the kitchen. He saw her at the table and said nothing to her, pouring himself a glass of water - that tasted horrible - and took his AZT. There was more food in the fridge then usual but nothing that seemed appetizing enough to fix. Capn’ Crunch: Oops All Crunch Berries. Wow that was new. Roger grabbed the box and poured a bowl. He took a bite and regretted it, Maureen laughed when he ran to the sink to spit it out, This is too sweet! How the hell does anyone eat this? He wiped his mouth and shook his head, “You don’t need to stay,” he told her as he went back to his room slumping to the bed.

Part V

Mark returned to the loft to the sound of ‘Musette’s Waltz’ he put his camera up and knocked on Roger’s door.
The music stopped. “What?”
He pushed the door open, “Where’s Maureen?”
Roger shrugged, “I told her she could leave I didn’t think she needed to be here.” He said keeping his eyes on the fender. His dirty blonde hair hung in messy spikes from sleeping all day, “Shut the door.”
Mark reluctantly wiped the sleep from his eyes as he made his way into the kitchen. Two weeks had gone by since Mimi’s viewing and funeral - another rough night - this was nothing like when April died. Roger had kept him up crying in his sleep, begging for Mimi. He awoke and had clung to Mark the night before pleading with him to bring her back for hours. Mark comforted him the best he could until Roger passed out from exhaustion.
Sighing heavily Mark put on his glasses and did a double take - Roger was drinking out of the milk carton wearing his tight plaid pants - “You’re up!” Mark hadn’t heard any movement in the loft, but the fact that Roger was up and eating something was good news on its own.
“Alert the media,” Roger said closing the lid and putting the carton back into the fridge. He merely glanced at Mark for a moment before looking at the floor. He was humiliated remembering how he’d carried on. “You look like shit, Mark.”
Same old Roger. He’s still an ass. Mark made himself a bowl of Capn’ Crunch, He’s only covering himself from last night... “I have you to thank for that.”
Roger didn’t say anything. Why isn’t he talking about it?...does it bother him that I acted that way? His thoughts drifted not to April, not to Mimi, but Mark. The way Mark had held him, he stayed by him just like the old days. No this wasn’t like the old days, this was different. Mark had held him, rubbing his back and so on. It wasn’t much but it had helped. Mark always helped, more then Roger gave him credit. He looked at the young man as he sat next to him eating his cereal. Mark is his own little world, observing everyone else, Roger thought, can he see how much I love him?
Mark took a bite, “What?” Roger’s eyes were glassy from crying or sickness he didn’t know. Oh god please don’t tell me- “Roger, what-” Mark was cut off by Roger’s mouth covering his. His eyes widened, he felt Roger shaking, crying silently and clinging to him as though for dear life. Mark returned the embrace hesitating at first then closing his eyes and returning the kiss.
Please don’t let him be disgusted, Roger prayed to whoever would listen to him. He wrapped his arms around Mark, giving him no choice but to stand up with him and continue the kiss.
Which he did, Mark returned the kiss eagerly brushing his tongue over Roger’s bottom lip before sucking on it. Taking it between his teeth gently Mark earned a moan from the rocker and ended the kiss. Both boys were shaking and breathing heavy.
Roger smile a little. “Mark?”
“Yeah?”
“What just happened?”
Mark blushed, “I don’t know,” this was too wild. They had been everything to each other but intimate and now this... Mark couldn’t deny how much he enjoyed that kiss, but did Roger feel the same way? It could have been for comfort reasons only - Mark knew that.
Roger’s head was spinning. This can work! He thought, I can move on! His eyes welled up, Oh god, mark please don’t run from me. Roger opened his mouth to speak, with a leap of faith, he said, “Can we do that again?”
Mark nodded slowly, this was happening so fast but he didn’t care. He felt Roger’s arm come around his waist again pulling him tightly against him.
Roger grabbed the back of Mark’s head pulling on his hair forcing him into another kiss, this one much more passionate then the first. This was nothing compared to what he’d felt with April or Mimi or any woman he had ever been with. He’d loved Mark for as long as he could remember, he just wasn’t prepared for how much. Until now. Sure maybe this was happening because of his inability to be alone - yes Mimi’s insecurities had definitely rubbed off on him.
“Roger!” Mark gasped as the young man started kissing his neck, he slipped his fingers into the belt loops of Roger’s pants pulling him harder against him. Mark’s glasses fogged immediately feeling the press of Roger’s arousal against him. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. God, he wanted to yet there was still that fear and Roger knew it. Mark kissed him again, “I don’t have-”
“I do!” Roger said, a pleading look in his eyes, “Can we?” He asked almost crying his hands were shaking.
Mark smiled and nodded earning another kiss from Roger before he practically ran to his room. Mark sucked in a breath and it out slowly, he was more then a little nervous. Is this right? We’ve been friends for so long. I’ve never thought about... That was a lie and Mark knew it, of course he’d thought about being with Roger before. Many times. God, I just hope we’re ready for this.
WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CONDOMS? Roger frantically searched the drawers. He hadn’t used them with Mimi much since she was positive and the last time he’d really remembered using them was during a drug induced fuck with April. He nearly tore the closet door down to find three of the little packets in the corner underneath a pair of Mimi’s fishnet panties. He tossed the panties to the side and grabbed up two of them. He moved to the door to join Mark.
Part VI
Roger was trembling, he stared at the young boy. He’d taken off his glasses and set them on the floor next to the mattress.
"Please don't hurt me, Roger," mark whispered, his back facing him. he was shaking badly with nervousness, it was a good nervous but still...he hoped that Roger wouldn't back down if he noticed how bad he was shaking.
Roger licked his drying lips and touched Mark's shoulder', "I won't hurt you," he said. He kissed Mark's ear and neck his hands moving down his sides. Mark was a scrawny little Jewish boy but he had the best ass, one that Roger was more then willing to bury himself within as soon as possible. No. Stop. You promised not to hurt him. His hands gripped Mark's hips, feeling the boy tense up, Roger drapped himself over Mark's back.
"Shhh, relax," he said running his hot tongue across Mark's throat.
"Oh my god," Mark hissed under his breath. He tried as best he could to relax but he knew no matter how much Roger tried this was still going to hurt. He felt Roger grab onto his hips again. Closing his eyes every fear imaginable flooded his mind. What if the condom breaks? What if this is the worst thing that I'll ever go through? What if we can never recover from this? What if after this our friendship is over? He sighed. Just relax. Roger loves you. He won't make you sick. Let's face it, first times always hurt.
Roger pressed forward, sliding inside as slowly as possible, there was a small cry from Mark, his body squrimed against the entry. Roger stroked his neck and whispered to Mark how beautiful he was, how much he loved him.
Mark's hands were nearly tearing at the sheets on the mattress. Shit! It hurt like hell! He gasped heavily feeling hot tears in his eyes. Relax. He mentally couched himself.
"Let me know," Roger said.
He was straining, mark could tell Roger was holding back, fighting with every urge to not pound him into oblivion. Mark opened his eyes allowing himself time to adjust to Roger's size. Trembling, he nodded for Roger to continue.
Roger moved slowly, it was torture for him, but he knew Mark was in enough pain.
After the first few thrusts mark began to move with him finding a rythem pleasing/or some what pleasing for the both of them.
Roger bit back a frustrated moan, at this rate he would never be able to finish, but he knew he couldn't go any faster for Mark's sake.
Mark whimpered, yes this was much better, he thought. He moved back and forth with him, "Oh god -Roger!"
"S-Sorry," Roger groaned, Shit! He knew it would hurt but come on!
Mark groaned, he knew what was wrong. Roger thought he was still hurting him and going painfully slow. His mouth fell open, "Roger! I'm not a woman! You dont' have to be gentle with me, I'm NOT going to break! I want you to fuck me!" His voice cracked at 'me', but Mark was sure he got his point across. "Please, I need you!"
Roger tightened his grip on Mark's hips and thrust harder into him, Mark cried out, spurred on the boy's cries of pleasure Roger moved as fast as he could slamming his hard flesh into Mark. Beads of sweat trickled down his face and chest. "Oh my god, Mark!" Roger felt his release threatening to take over him, "Oh my god! Mark, I'm going to!"
Mark bucked back against him his eyes went wide, "Me too! Ahhh Roger!"
Roger cried out as he climaxed, his hand slipped down taking hold of Mark's length and finished him off. The world shrank down to just the two of them in the last moment. Roger pulled out of him slowly just in time for Mark to collapse onto the mattress. Roger lay next to him both of them panting hard, he put his head against Mark's chest holding onto him tightly.
Mark wrapped his arms around the boy running his fingers through his hair.
"I love you, Mark Cohen," the young rocker said moments later.
Mark smiled and closed his eyes, "I love you too."

Part VI

Bloody tears rolled down her pale cheeks, her eyes seemed to sink into her skull. Her normally pink lips were thin and almost white, trembling. She closed her eyes as she spoke, “Roger...how could you?”
Roger’s eyes snapped open, gasping his eyes darted all around the room. Mark’s room.
Mark’s arms were wrapped around him, the boy sleeping soundly against his chest.
Sucking in a breath, Roger sighed with relief, Just a dream, Rog. Calm down, he rubbed his eyes and put his arm against Mark’s bare back, Roger pulled the covers over the naked boy.
Mark’s eyes fluttered and opened, he smiled “Good morning.”
Roger nodded.
"Do you feel okay?”
He nodded, "I'm fine," he said pressing a kiss against Mark's temple. Closing his eyes, Roger saw her again. Mimi's face. The crimson tears. Her pale cheeks. Her hand reaching out to him. He opened his eyes and pulled Mark closer to him.
Mark pressed his face against Roger's neck and kissed him.
The musician managed to drift in and out of sleep, pushing thoughts of Mimi from his mind, breathing in the scent of sex and Mark. The greatest smell on earth.
The minutes went by too fast for the both of them,"I have to get ready for work,” Mark whispered.
“Do you have to?” Roger looked at him sadly.
The boy nodded and kissed him on the lips, “But...after last night all I want to do is stay in your arms,” he said kissing him again. Mark sat up, serious, “Alexi wants to air the movie tonight.”
“Are you serious?”
He nodded. Mark was usually secretive about the documentary he made. When Mimi died, Mark hadn’t brought up his film again. After losing both Angel and Mimi...showing it to his friends would have been too much. “Tonight at ten. I hope everyone gets to see it.” He smiled and kissed Roger softly.
“I’m sure they will,” Not wanting to think about that anymore Roger wrapped his arm around the boy’s neck and returned the kiss tenderly. Sucking on Mark’s bottom lip, Roger pulled him closer feeling Mark surrender to the kiss.
“Tease...” Mark whimpered pressing his forehead against Roger’s.
He smirked, “Well I try.” It wasn’t a lie, he was being a tease on purpose. A vain attempt to keep him close by. Please don’t go.
“I have to go to work,” he said reluctant to move away, “The sooner I get there the sooner I can leave,” he smiled, “and come home to your ass.” Mark took one of the blankets covering himself, got up and headed to the bathroom.
Roger snorted, “Fine! Go sell the rest of your soul to Darling!” He grabbed the blanket and rolled over.
-
Opening his eyes, Roger sat up, the loft was quiet. Thankfully he didn’t dream about Mimi. Pulling on a pair of boxers he stumbled into the kitchen. A pack of Marlboro reds was on the counter, he smiled. Mark. He grabbed the pack, his leather jacket and went out onto the fire escape. A cigarette was never this good before, Roger licked his lips and lit another. Closing his eyes his thoughts drifted to his dream and Mimi.
Would she be angry with me for being with Mark? No. She knows I love her. He sighed and opened his eyes again, But you were so quick to sleep with Mark...I love him. No, you did it so you could forget about her. You were angry at her for doing drugs and getting back with Benny! No! She said it wasn’t anything. Do you really believe that? Yes. You weren’t this fucked up after April died why didn’t you go after Mark when she died? I didn’t love him then not like that. How do you know you love him now? You’re using him!
Roger crushed his cigarette on the railing and threw it off the fire escape. “That isn’t true. I love Mark. I always have I would never use him to forget Mimi. I love her just the same.”
“Why would you go to him so easily? You must have loved me a whole lot...”
He turned around to see Mimi, thin, pale, standing before him. “Wha- Mimi!” He backed away. “It’s not true! You know I love you!” His vision of her went blurry, this isn’t happening. I’m going insane. Roger reached out his hand to touch her shoulder. She disappeared.
-
Carrying his bike up the stairs, Mark was happy to finally get back to the loft. It had taken a little longer then expected with Buzzline but his film would air tonight for sure. It was cold out and he was glad to get home where he could have a hot tea and spend time with Roger. His body still ached from last night so much had happened in such little time. Maureen would have a field day with that, he shook his head and smirked. She didn’t matter anymore.
“Roger, I’m home,” He said setting the bike down. Mark saw Roger sitting on the couch picking out notes on his guitar, “Sorry I was gone so long.” He smiled, walking over to him, the smile faded a little seeing Roger’s sad expression. “Hey...are you okay?”
Roger met his gaze, set his guitar down and into on motion stood and wrapped the boy in his arms.
The hug practically threw him off his feet, “Roger, what’s wrong?”
His eyes glazed over with tears Roger pulled away looking to Mark’s eyes, “You know I love you don’t you?”
He smiled, “Of course I know that,” kissing him, Mark pulled Roger against him tightly running his fingers through the young man’s hair. He kissed him again feeling the prickly hairs against his face, Roger was getting a bit scruffy these days “I missed you today.”
“I missed you too,” Roger whispered, Calm down. Mimi’s gone. Mark’s here now everything’s ok. He knows you love him. You can show him...right now. “So much.” He looked into Mark’s eyes again, “Can we?” He asked kissing him a little too roughly for Mark, What are you doing, Roger...Mimi’s voice...you can forget me that easily? Shut up! No one asked you, Meems. “Can we now?” Roger asked again with another rough kiss, backing the boy up against the table, the same Mimi died on a few short weeks ago, but Mark wasn’t thinking about it like that.
“You mean...right here?” Mark’s voice cracked slightly at his lover’s nod, he swallowed hard. The musician pushed him back onto the table straddling him, judging by the bulge in his pants Mark knew Roger was really serious. “But we-” He was cut off by Roger’s lips and then his tongue. What’s gotten into him? Mark’s cheeks were crimson as Roger unzipped his jeans and then without warning ripped Mark’s pants off down to his ankles.
Roger licked his lips and ripped open the condom packet sliding over his now painful erection. He smirked at Mark, grabbing the boy’s hips he slammed into him.
Mark clenched his teeth tightly together, he was still very sore from the night before and Roger was being rough. “Oh god Roger...”
He groaned pressing Mark’s knees closer to his chest. “I love you,” he said arching his back he slammed into him harder.
Mark couldn’t speak. His glasses were falling off his face from the movements, this hurt more then the last time. He opened his mouth to speak a raspy gasp escaped his lips as Roger pounded deeper in, out, in, out, harder and harder. Something’s wrong. Mark closed his eyes trying to relax against the invasion, he was upset because this isn’t what he’d wanted. He wanted it to be slow, he wanted to make love the way they had last night, not this...this wasn’t right.
Roger moved faster, it was awkward with their clothes still on but he kept going, losing himself in the moment. Yes! This was the way it would be. They would be happy together, nothing else mattered. The past. Mimi. It didn’t matter.
The boy let out a small cry he hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt tears trickle against his ears. He tightened his grip on the sides of the table, the table itself felt as if it would collapse beneath them. Tears rolled down Roger’s cheeks his eyes were tightly closed. Mark wept. This wasn’t happening. The pain was too much to ignore, he couldn’t be somewhere else. Oh god Roger what happened? Why are you doing this!
Don’t you see? You’re hurting him! Roger groaned, No I’m not! Opening his eyes, he gasped, the boy beneath him was crying softly, his jaw was set tight holding back his sobs. It was painfully obvious Mark was holding back with everything in him. Mark! I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t trying to hurt you! Roger could feel himself coming close to his release with one, two three more hard thrusts his cried out in insignificant satisfaction. Ironic isn’t it? SHUT UP!
Mark couldn’t move. He was so close to bursting into uncontrollable sobs. Not yet. Wait until he can’t hear you. He whimpered as Roger pulled out of him. His entire body ached. “C-Can you help me?” Mark whispered barely audible to even himself. “I can’t-”Roger had his hand before he could finish, helping him off the table Roger opened his mouth to speak. Please don’t say anything, Roger...
“Mark, I-”
“Roger.” His voice sounded foreign to him, racked with pain and anger. Mark sucked in a breath, “Don’t. Just don’t.”
The musician watched as the boy made his way pathetically to the bathroom.
- 1
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