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Hell And Back Again	By : watermajutsu Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Panic! At The Disco Views: 896 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Panic! At the Disco. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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CHAPTER 1:

“So,” my girlfriend, Keltie Colleen, started to say. Everytime she started her statements with that one word using that tone, it caused the cold fingers of dread to creep up my spine. I knew that she wanted to learn something new about me and my past. We had been dating for almost two years, but with me being on the road almost all the time, it just didn’t give us that much opportunity to really talk about our lives.

But the dread that was slowly making its way to the base of my spine was not just because of the imminent conversation that was about to happen. No. It was because the other members of the band were there as well, sitting with me and Keltie at a picnic table set up under a large umbrella tree in my backyard. And whatever it was that Keltie wanted to find out cannot be just cast aside for later discussion because I’m sure as hell that Spencer and Brendon would end up saying something. Basically, there was no escaping the situation, no matter how much I prayed for one. I was starting to regret this little break we took from our so-called melding of artistic minds to have a snack. I was forced to leave my guitar on the patio, forgotten and woe-begotten for the time-being just because Keltie cooked.

I glanced up at Keltie for a short while before I took a bite of the spaghetti that she made. I could feel, rather than see, the expectant looks that Jon and Spencer gave her. The side of my neck and face felt hot and heavy and I just knew that Brendon was staring at me. He probably knew what was running through my mind right now.

“Tell me about your childhood crushes,” she finally finished. I choked on the pasta in my mouth. Brendon automatically popped a can of soda open and handed it to me. I drank like a man left in a desert to die. Spencer handed me a paper towel and I wiped the small amount of soda that dribbled out of the corner of my mouth.

I stared at Keltie to see an amused expression on her face, “Why the sudden interest?”

She shrugged. “It’s just one of those things that we never really got to talk about before. Besides, we’re all here anyway, I thought it would provide a good launch pad for a decent, not-music-related conversation,” she explained, sporting a Cheshire-cat grin on her face. “And I just really want to know your ‘type’.”

I coughed and looked at Brendon, hoping he’ll get the picture and save my ass for the meantime. It’s not that I was embarrassed to tell them who it was; Spencer knew, of course, we did grow up together. And Brendon had an idea as well; Spencer and I did tell him about it before. No, it was because I was afraid of what I would remember if I started thinking about her again. I had to somehow compose myself and think of how this particular story should be told so that it will go over well with both Jon and Keltie.

Brendon got the picture. “I used to have a crush on my third grade music teacher, Miss Donaldson. She was really cute.”

Spencer nodded. “The one who first taught you what you wanted to know about music?” Brendon nodded. “She used to live near our house. I think she’s now Mrs. Caldwell,” Spencer informed him.

Brendon laughed – I think more out of shock than amusement. “No way! She married that dingbat Mr. Caldwell, the math teacher? He’s, like, ancient!”

Spencer shrugged. “That’s what my mom said.”

“How about you, Spencer?” Keltie inquired again, her brown eyes resting on my childhood best friend’s face.

“I liked the girls’ fourth grade gym class teacher, Miss Delpy,” he answered.

I grinned at him. “Yeah, I remember her…you used to hide behind the bleachers just so you could get a glimpse of her in the gym in action!”

Spencer’s grin got wider. “Yeah, she was a thing of beauty, but she was fucking scary! Did you guys know that she actually had a black belt in both karate and tae-kwon-do? She can kill me with a snap of her wrist if she wanted to!”

Brendon chuckled at that. “My dad’s friends with her husband. I think her being such a toughie was the reason why she married a Navy Seal. Only a guy like that would be able to put her on a tight leash.”

Jon took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. Jon was always thoughtful when he had a bottle of beer in his hand. “I had a crush on my best friend Mikey’s older sister, Hannah…you know back in Chicago. She was older than me by a couple of years.”

I was afraid to ask, but I just had to. “What happened to her?”

Jon gave me a shit-eating grin then. “She became my girlfriend for two years.”

We all laughed. I wouldn’t have put it past Jon to date his best friend’s older sister. It was just so naturally Jon.

“How about you, Ryan?” Keltie asked as she turned back to me.

I blushed a bit. I did not want to remember her, although I can’t seem to get her out of my mind now. Was I ready to reveal this dark part of my past to Keltie? Well, she is part of my life now; she deserves to know. I took a deep breath and decided, hey, what the hell, right? It was just a crush anyway. Yeah, right…

“It was Jess, right, Ryan?” Spencer suddenly offered softly. He was trying to help me out. He knew how painful it was – is – for me to talk about this part of my life.

But nothing would have prepared me for the sudden onslaught of emotions that crashed over me like a tidal wave – remorse, sadness, and depression being the most dominant ones.

My head was suddenly flooded with memories. I looked at Spencer and blinked. Twice. He nodded and gave me a small smile, as if urging me to go ahead and tell them the story. I cleared my throat.

“Yeah…it was Jess.”

“Who’s Jess?” Jon asked.

I swallowed hard and looked at him. I smiled sheepishly and started playing with the soda can.

“Her name was Jessica Leonardo. She used to babysit me when we were younger. She was, like, around six years older than I was. My God, she was really gorgeous! And really, really nice too. Very sweet girl. Talented and kind as she was beautiful.”

“Hang on, I still have a picture of us from way back,” Spencer said. He pulled out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and started rummaging through it. He pulled out an old, yellowish picture and handed it to me. I looked at it and smiled. I leaned over to Keltie to show her the picture.

“How come I just found out you had a picture of us three just now?” I blurted out at Spencer. He just shrugged and had the grace to look embarrassed at the very least.

“How old were you in this picture?” Keltie asked.

Spencer sat there thoughtfully gazing at the back of the picture. Jon stood up and grabbed his chair and moved around the table and sat behind me and Keltie so he could take a good look at it. Brendon inched closer towards me to lean over and have a look as well, although I was guessing he was trying to offer comfort to me rather than wanting to take a look at Jess’s picture. He already knew about this chapter of my life, after all.

“I think I was around eight and Ryan was about nine. She was Ryan’s – our – babysitter for almost four years. She was babysitting us since she was 12 up until she was around 16, I think,” Spencer answered for me.

Keltie gave Spencer a weird look. She noticed how Spencer hesitated to say that Jess was our babysitter.

“She was really Ryan’s babysitter, my folks would just leave me at Ryan’s old place when they needed a one,” Spencer explained when he saw Keltie look at him that way. “Or I would run there when I was either bored or just wanted to play,” he added.

Brendon crossed his arms on the table and rested his head on his arms. “She was my cousin James’ babysitter as well. I met her when I visited him when I was around ten. Aunt Jen and Uncle Luke were off to a concert at the Palms and we were left in her care. She was a great girl. She was the very first girl I met who could play the guitar so well, it was just inspiring. She was so much fun and she really showed us that she cared. Even to me and we just met!” he added.

I smiled and nodded. Jess was, indeed, a mean guitar player. She was the reason why I developed an interest in the instrument. I got my first guitar lessons from her, and I have never stopped playing since.

I pointed at the girl in the picture who had her arms around me as I sat on her lap. Spencer was on her right with his arms wrapped around her neck loosely. “That’s her, my Jessie. She loved it when I called her that, so I called her Jessie all the time. She thought it was sweet. She used to babysit me for free every now and then too. When Dad couldn’t pull his head out of his ass for too long to realize just how drunk he was, Jessie would be there. She was my constant companion. Come to think of it, she spent more time in my house than in her own home.”

“She loved all the kids she babysat a lot,” Spencer mumbled. He gave me a wistful look. “But she loved Ryan the most. He was her baby. Ryan’s dad didn’t even have to call her and have her babysit us. She would just appear there on the doorstep at the most convenient times. Like she had a sixth sense when it came to Ryan,” Spencer added.

“Is she a Latina?” Keltie inquired. “She’s really pretty.”

I shook my head. “Nope, she’s Filipina. Her family migrated to Nevada when she was just seven years old.”

I stared fondly at Jess’ beautiful face. “She was somewhat of a loner. I never saw her with anyone her age.”

“Yeah, she’d hang out with us all the time but she didn’t seem to have any friends her age,” Spencer confirmed.

“Dude, she didn’t even go to her own prom, remember?” I blurted out.

Keltie gave us a skeptical look but it was Jon who spoke up.

“Why?”

I shrugged. “She told me she didn’t have a date to the prom so there was no point in going.”

Spencer chuckled softly after I spoke. “Then Ryan offered to be her date.”

Keltie smiled warmly at me. “You did?”

I blushed as I nodded. “I did, but she declined me graciously. She said she was going to spend the night with me anyway, so it wouldn’t have made much of a difference.”

“Sounds more like she was your first love rather than just your first crush,” Keltie murmured softly.

I looked at her and smiled shyly. “I was barely ten years old. What did I know about love back then?”

It was Keltie’s turn to shrug then. “The way you talk about her with your voice full of fondness like that…”

I looked at her quizzically but Spencer spoke up before I could even form a reply in my head.

“Ryan and I were both very fond of her. I think all of the kids she took care of will agree.” He turned to look at Brendon and he nodded his head as much as his position would allow. “She was a great friend to us and she showed us that she really, genuinely cared. I guess one reason why she and Ryan shared a different – special – kind of bond was because they were kindred spirits.”

I handed the picture back to Spencer but he pushed my hand back. “Keep it. I have another copy of that in a photo album at my folk’s home.”

I smiled my thanks at him and placed the picture on the table and stared at it as my right hand sought for Keltie’s left. She touched my arm and I took her hand in mine. This was the time that I had to start telling everyone about that chapter in my life that I have long tried to forget. I almost did succeed, until this conversation came up.

“You know that Dad and I didn’t really get along too well, right? Especially when I was in my teens. It was mainly because he was an alcoholic. He was a great person when he was sober, but when he gets drunk…Jess was the only person patient enough who could handle him. She’d make sure I was already asleep when Dad got home, drunk, of course. She didn’t want me to see my Dad like that. She couldn’t bear to see me broken by something like that. But she’d make sure Dad was comfortable enough before she left for her own home. Usually, that was around ten or eleven o’clock at night. Then, she’d be back at my house at around seven-thirty or eight a.m. to help me prepare for school. She’d walk with me to school since hers was close to mine anyway. I always did wonder why she did all that. Until –” I swallowed thickly as I looked up. Keltie squeezed my hand, but it was Brendon’s gentle squeeze on my shoulder that helped me continue the story. He had already sat up when I started to tell my story; I barely noticed him move. He already knew about this part of the story. Spencer and I had told him about it when we found out that he knew Jess. It was before Pete Wentz signed us to Decaydance. Before my Dad passed away due to his alcoholism.

“One day, Dad got home early, but he was already piss-drunk. I wasn’t asleep yet. Jess and I were playing video games in the living room. Usually the living room would be a real mess because of all my stuff and I guess Dad tripped on one of them and he went sprawling on the carpet.” I swallowed again and small beads of perspiration formed on top of my brow. I don’t sweat a lot, so breaking out in nervous sweat like this was a really bad sign for me. My heart was racing and my breathing was becoming shallow. Something akin to fear was starting to settle in my stomach. I looked at Brendon, my eyes somewhat pleading for him to tell them what happened while I gathered my wits.

Brendon nodded slightly and he placed his hands on the picnic table, palms flat on its surface. It was a mannerism of his that indicated he was trying to be careful with his words.

“You have to keep in mind that we were all really young back then – Ryan was barely ten years old and had yet to encounter his Dad drunk like that.”

“Because Jess always made sure that he was already asleep when he arrived, right?” Jon clarified. Brendon and Spencer both nodded while I felt my hands go cold and clammy. I had to let go of the warm comfort of Keltie’s hand to wipe the wetness of my hands on my jeans.

“Ryan’s Dad hit him square on the face because he laughed and George was humiliated,” Brendon continued. My backyard was covered in absolute silence – the type of silence that can only be found in abandoned cemeteries – after that statement. I could feel everyone looking at me and Brendon, even Spencer. I knew that his face was twisted in pain because he can still recall what happened as clearly as I could. After a minute of silence, I placed a hand on Brendon’s arm and nodded to him, letting him know that I was ready to continue with the story.

“I froze. My Dad had never laid a finger on me like that before so it was a total and complete shock for me when he did that. But it was Jess’ reaction that got me really scared.”

I had everyone’s full attention now. Although Spencer and Brendon weren’t looking at me, I knew they were listening to every word that was coming out of my mouth. I could feel the unease rolling off of both of them in waves as I recounted the events of that fateful day.

“She fell to the floor and started whimpering. Dad and I ended up watching her as she cringed at the corner of the living room. She was pressing herself against the wall, like she wanted it to swallow her whole. It was painful to see her that way.”

The scene flashed before my eyes once again and I could feel hot tears forming in my eyes.

“When she started screaming, Dad sobered up immediately. I crawled towards her. She opened her eyes, but I couldn’t tell if she could see me or not. She was looking at me, but I didn’t think she could see me. I saw a cloud lift from her eyes and that was when she grabbed me, pulled me against her in a bone-crushing hug. Her grip was tight and painful. I cried out and Dad tried to pry her hands off me. She was weeping hysterically by then.”

Keltie’s eyes were wide when I looked back at her. Jon just looked tired and wary, like he knew he wasn’t going to like how this story was going to end.

I gave a long, drawn-out sigh and slumped against the table, cradling my head in my hands. “We didn’t notice that a glass vase broke beside Jess. When Dad tried to touch her, she lashed out at him and sliced his arm with a piece of broken glass.”

Keltie gasped while Jon just shook his head. Brendon’s hands were back on my shoulders, rubbing them gently, like he wanted to take the tension and pain away, but couldn’t.

“When Jess realized what she had done, she tore out of the house, hysterical still. She was inconsolable for a number of days. Spencer and I would try to visit her at her house, but she never came out to see us. The day he wounded my Dad was the last day she ever took care of me. The next time we saw her, she and her folks were on their way to Reno, a couple of months after the incident with Dad. But she still refused to talk to us – to me. Spencer and I just watched as she helped her parents pack their stuff in a moving truck and leave. She left without even saying good bye, even though we were already right there trying to grab onto her, calling out her name and crying.”

Spencer sighed deeply and continued the story for me. “A year after they left Vegas, Ryan and I found out from some of the neighbors that they suspected Jess’ stepfather was hurting her. We never saw any bruises on her, but rumor had it that the bruises were in places no one could see.”

Keltie had a really sad look on her face now, like she wanted to cry. I placed an arm around her waist and buried my face in her hair.

“So, her father was beating her up?” Keltie whispered. I nodded against her shoulder.

“That was the only logical explanation as to why she would react that way after seeing George hit Ryan. She was already overly protective of Ryan and loved him dearly. Seeing him hurt like that was too much for her. She just snapped. It was like a nervous breakdown,” Spencer explained.

I sat up straight and pulled my arms away from Keltie. I placed my hands on my lap face up and stared at my wrist tattoos. “In a way, what she did had a positive effect because my Dad never tried to get violent with me ever again. He was still drinking too much, but he made sure that he never laid a finger on me since then. The worst we’ve had was an all out shouting match or, like when I got older, he’d throw stuff at me when he was mad and drunk, but he’d never really aim at me directly so I never got hurt. He would do that more to scare me into submission but he never tried to intentionally hurt me physically since then.”

“Sounds like you two went through hell and back,” Jon commented. I had to shake my head.

“I was able to come back. Jessie…I – we – never did find out what happened to her since,” I replied.

Spencer wrinkled his nose and stood up. “You know what? I just remembered that mom’s friend, Dorothy Katz, moved to Reno as well and she knew Jess’ family. You remember her, Ryan? Want me to see what I can find out?”

That statement caused me to whirl around to face Spencer so fast I got lightheaded. Brendon jumped out of the way when I accidentally caused a soda can to fall off the table and spill its contents on the ground because of my sudden movement. I knew my eyes were wide with life and excitement.

“I’ll take that as a yes on both counts. I’ll be right back, I’ll go call mom at work and see if we can find out before nightfall,” he said. I smiled my thanks at him and he smiled back. I turned to Brendon and he offered me an encouraging smile.

I stared back at my spaghetti and suddenly realized that I had lost my appetite. I frowned at my food and pushed the plate aside. Keltie brushed her lips against my cheeks and took my plate.

“I’ll take care of that,” she said gently. I smiled my thanks at her and she went in to clean up.

I was quietly staring at my hands as I waited anxiously for Spencer to come out of the house again. Brendon placed a hand on my arm and I turned to face him. He offered me a warm smile.

“Everything will turn out fine, Ryan.”

Those six simple words helped unclench the tightness in my stomach. I smiled gratefully at him. We’ve been best friends since Brent left the band. All three of us, actually – Spencer, Brendon and I. They were with me during the most recent trials that I had to go through in my life, mainly the death of my father. I’m just thankful that they’re still with me until now. They’re the only family I’ve got left.

Waiting for Spencer to come back out felt like an eternity instead of ten minutes. When he was finally bounding down the steps of my back porch, I was a nervous wreck. Brendon already had his arm around my shoulders and Jon had already poured me three full glasses of water. He would have offered me a beer, but I think he already finished the stash in my fridge.

Spencer was smiling nervously when he sat beside Jon. Keltie was right behind him.

“Mom’s inviting Mrs. Katz to dinner at their house either tonight or tomorrow night. Apparently, her family is here in Las Vegas over the weekend to hit the strip. Mom said Mrs. Katz used to always check up on Jess since they moved there and would regularly update my folks about how she was doing. But, somehow, she seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet a couple of months before Fever was released,” Spencer told us.

That got my heart to drop to my stomach. My hands were clenched so tightly into a fist that my knuckles were turning white. Brendon took them in his and tried to unclench them by gently prying it open one finger at a time.

Spencer’s cellphone suddenly started to blare out I Don’t Care by Fall Out Boy.

“I told you to change that damn ringtone. You’re going to give me a goddamn heart attack,” Jon mumbled to Spencer. Spencer gave him the one-finger salute and answered his phone.

“Hey Mom…uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Ryan’s asking. Yeah, you know how close they were. Want me to invite the entire band? Oh really? Cool. Okay, we’ll be there tonight. Yeah, love you too, bye.” Spencer hung up.

“Well?” Brendon breathed out when Spencer pocketed his phone.

“Mrs. Katz will be coming over to dinner tonight with her youngest daughter. Apparently the kid’s a big fan. She also invited us all to dinner,” Spencer explained.

I let out the breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.

I looked at Keltie and she smiled at me. Shit. This was her last day here and she’ll be off back to New York in a few hours.

“My flight back to Manhattan leaves at seven tonight. Just call me and let me know how it went down, okay? Speaking of which, I have to go pack,” Keltie said. She walked up to me and gave me a quick, gentle kiss on the lips. She straightened up and turned to walk away. I didn’t have to worry about her, although I knew she was always worried about me. I watched as she walked away, thanking God once again for giving her to me.

I turned my attention back to Spencer.

“So, what time should we be there?”

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Hell And Back Again