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Alone I Break	By : Fatalbeliever Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 690 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction. I do not know Dir en grey. I am making absolutely no money off of this.

Chapter List
- 1-Alone I Break
- 1
His eyes watched the ceiling.

In the darkness, shapes were slowly shifting and moving and transforming into monsters and demons that try as he might, he just could not get away from. They seemed to come upon him, laying on his chest and pushing out the air until he was suffocating. Pressing against his throat so he could not call for help. They held him in their claws and pulled him down in the darkness. A darkness he had become accustomed to, but not comfortable with. It hurt to be down there, to be alone in the suffocating black that held him under. He frowned to himself, a hand rubbing at his chest as he felt the pressure of loneliness grab hold.

It hadn’t always been like this.

Years ago, what seemed like forever ago now, he wasn’t always alone. They used to be able to tell when it was getting bad, when he was headed towards the dark place inside of his mind that was so difficult to get out of. They used to know and they used to catch him before he fell off the edge. He used to catch him. He could remember Kaoru’s concerned eyes looking straight into his core. He could remember the guitarist’s arms pulling him into an embrace that kept him from the demons pressing. Remembering it made him feel cold, empty. He wrapped his arms tightly around his body, turning onto his side and curling up into himself.

Things had changed.

Over the years something had changed in all of them. They’d pulled apart. He didn’t like it. It left him alone to fend for himself in a world, in an inner struggle that seemed to be getting worse and worse every time he curled up in his bed, covering his head with his hands and begging for it to stop. No tears came to his eyes, just a building pain in his chest that could only be released as a muted sob against the mattress. He huddled up against himself, trying to block out the taunts and jeers that his own mind came up with to hurl at him. He was at his most vulnerable when left alone, when only with himself. Only he knew his deepest secrets, his poor attempts at hiding flaws, at being okay.

He whimpered, he shuddered.

His body was shaking violently, not ceasing even as he dug his nails into his skin. Muscles convulsing with pent up emotion. He wondered where everyone had gone and when it was that he started feeling so fucking empty. Could they not hear the pain in his voice anymore? Did they, too, think that all the tears and bloodshed on stage was just part of the show? Had they forgotten what it was like before? The thought scared him that his band mates, his family would think that when he ripped himself open for the world to see he was doing it for the shock value. They knew better. They had to.

But they had stopped asking, stopped questioning.

He found he was cleaning the dried blood from his chest himself. Found his own fingers pressing white gauze to still oozing wounds. Found himself avoiding everyone else as they celebrated the finish of another great show because he couldn’t handle sitting on the outside any longer, couldn’t stand trying to pretend to have a good time when no one would even look at him or talk to him or acknowledge that he was there. And he was lonely. He was so lonely he could barely stand it. It ate away at his insides and exploited his fears of forever being alone. And curled up in bed with no where to go but the cooling, empty spots on his mattress, he wanted to give in because it would be easier. It would be easier than fighting. The struggle to keep oxygen in his lungs as the demons and monsters pressed down against him and pushed the life source from his body took so much effort. In the end, what was he fighting for? An empty existence in a life that was falling apart? Would they notice if he stopped, if he gave in, gave up?

Would they care if he was missing?

He wanted to say they would, that his absence would have an effect on their daily life. That they would think about him. Inside, though, he knew they would care only for the outcome of the band, only for their vocalist. Not their friend, not their brother, not their companion, not Kyo. He sobbed again against the hotel sheets, itching against his already prickling skin. He felt nearly insane. He felt like he was being ripped open. Like he was being left behind. He couldn’t do this on his own. He couldn’t make it through the demons and the monsters and the memories he tried so fucking hard to suppress and forget.

He couldn’t survive on his own.

Alone, he broke. His fears coming down on him hard and the loneliness gripping onto him and squeezing until he felt it clenching his heart and his lungs. His breathing hitched, his weaknesses ripped open to ooze out everything he tried to hide. He was vulnerable under the cover of scratchy, dirty hotel sheets and the rampage he let loose on himself. Exposing to the darkness everything he tried so hard to hide beneath a tough skin, a tough mask. A sob rose in his throat and choked him, filling up his lungs and his airway and his whole fucking chest to the point where he thought he was going to burst. He bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. The metallic taste reminding him of ticking minutes spent behind locked doors taking the need for release into his own hands and leaving behind the scars to remember. It reminded him of screaming and broken glass, of crying and begging and pleading for it to all stop. His eyes squeezed shut, a whimper broke past his lips before a heaviness settled on his form.

The squeaking of bed springs broke the silence.

Kyo froze. Hoping the man in the bed next to him hadn’t heard anything, hadn’t heard the torment that the vocalist was silently going through.

“Kyo…? Are you okay…?” Luck was rarely on his side and it didn’t seem like that was changing. He took in a shuddering breath, unable to stop the suffocation that the darkness was causing. He could hear the movement of the sheets being thrown off the man’s body. Could hear his feet touch the ground and carefully pad their way across the small space that separated their beds. Kyo bit down on his lip again, sucking on the previous wound and shutting his eyes tightly. He felt the bed dip as Kaoru sad down near his curled up form.

“Kyo… please answer me…” He felt a hand rest on his shoulder and his body shook at the burning touch, even through the blankets.

“I-I… I’m fine.” The words were chocked and weak. He wouldn’t have believed them himself. He heard Kaoru sigh and felt the guitarist shift before he was doused in the cold air of the room as the guitarist pulled the blankets away from his trembling body. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to look into the eyes of someone who used to seem so close, but had been drifting further and further away. The hurt that would cause, the pain of seeing something so familiar now so strange, would be too much.

“Kyo, you are not fine… I’m not stupid, I know when you’re not okay.” Then why hadn’t you stopped me? Kyo wondered to himself, too afraid of the answer to ask the question out loud. He thought maybe if he stayed silent, the guitarist would get frustrated and leave him alone. They had no problem doing it before.

The sound of a sigh. The shifting of weight. The feeling of arms wrapping tightly around his body.

Kyo thought he felt his heart stop in his chest. It’d been so long, it seemed, since he’d had physical contact with another human being. And now here was Kaoru, a man Kyo cared for so deeply and had been feeling the loss for the longest time, had his arms cradling the vocalist against his chest. Those lean arms decorated in personal ink, holding Kyo’s broken body. The smaller man’s chest heaved and the sobs he’d been holding back in his throat burst from his lips and tore through the air. Tears spilled down onto his cheeks, sliding down his skin and staining the sheets he’d been hiding against. His fingers wrapped around Kaoru’s arms, holding them closer to his body and clinging to the strength he felt there. The guitarist pressed his cheek into blonde hair, making soft, soothing sounds in his throat. Kyo’s whole body shook with the intensity of all that he’d been holding back. Every night he lay alone, curled up against his nightmares. Every night he dug his teeth into his knees and screamed against his skin because no one else would fucking listen. He wasn’t alone now. He wasn’t battling against the monsters and the suffocation by himself. He cried and he sobbed and he screamed everything out again and again and again.

And Kaoru let him, never letting go.

Eventually, the tears dried and sobs subsided but Kyo still clung to Kaoru in a desperate attempt to keep the feeling of being wanted burned into his skin. The silence stretched on between them, but Kyo didn’t care as long as Kaoru was holding him.

“Kyo?” His voice was deep, but quiet and it made Kyo feel warm all over. He didn’t answer; he simply curled up more, sucking on his bottom lip. Kaoru slowly rolled the vocalist over to face him, looking down into the younger man’s eyes with a small frown on his lips.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered into the dark, eyebrows drawn together as his arms tightened their hold around the smaller man. Kyo watched Karou closely, his lips pressed in a straight line. What answer would be good enough?

What would make this better?

“Why didn’t you listen…?” Kyo’s voice was small and shrinking, but the words he muttered spoke volumes into the otherwise silent room. His wide eyes focusing on the guitarist’s face as he watched emotions play across his face. Concern and confusion and sadness and finally settling on regret. He cast his eyes away from Kyo’s face in search of some sort of response hidden among the blank white of the ceiling. His grip around the vocalist tightened, pulling the smaller man closer against his chest as if it would make up for his prolonged silence to the obvious struggle.

“Kyo, I…. I don’t know what to say…”

“I don’t know what I want you to say. After all this time I just…” Kyo sniffled again, feeling another wave of tears he thought had all dried up.

“All I ever wanted was to know that people wanted me… to have people who… who cared about me. And it used to be like that. It used to make me feel amazing to be with this band, to be doing what I always wanted to do with people who cared about me. But lately… lately it just hasn’t been like that. I’ve been feeling like I did back when I was still living at home. With no one noticing that I was… struggling. And you guys used to always know. You used to catch me before I… completely fell off the edge but I’ve just been living in that hole I was always afraid of and no one has… noticed or tried to get me out.” He realized he was rambling and quickly dug his teeth into his bottom lip. Kaoru stared at him with his eyes burning with an emotion Kyo couldn’t quite read. The guitarist brought his hand up to lightly cup Kyo’s cheek, his calloused thumb brushing over his bottom lip and pulling it from between harsh teeth. Kyo’s eyelids fluttered shut a moment, a gasp leaving his parted lips on it’s own free will.

A breath of air from another pair of lips and they were touching.

The kiss was soft, sweet, strengthening. Kyo felt warmth spread though out his body and all the demons be chased away. He felt light, he felt wings expand. And in that moment, the small moment of Kaoru’s lips on his, just telling him things would be alright, that he was there now and not letting go, the world sang in perfect harmony.

“I’m not going to let you fall any more, Kyo…not again. I promise.” Kyo could have doubted him. He had no reason to believe the promise that was already shattered; he had no reason to put his trust in the hands of a man who had broken it before. He looked up into the guitarist’s eyes, his bottom lip quivering and his heart pounding in his chest from the simple touch of lips. Kaoru looked back, an intense fire burning, shining, promising. Kyo felt a smile tug at his lips and pressed his ear against the guitarist’s pounding heart. Neither had to say anything else. No more words had to be spoken. With his arms, Kaoru held Kyo together. And with the soft beating of his heart, he brought promise and life into tomorrow, and the day after, and all the days to come. And Kyo just smiled, his eyes sliding shut and his breathing evening out.

I believe you…
- 1
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Alone I Break