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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

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Disclaimer: this is the work of fiction. Don't own DEG and don't make any money from this.

It’s been a year, four months and eighteen days.

Not knowing a single thing about him. Not knowing whether he was alive or dead. Now knowing where exactly he was. Not knowing if he was suffering or if he was quite alright. Was he hungry, cold, scared, alone and hurt? Or was his body lying somewhere by the road, rotting away for months, with the white bones shining in the sun?
Fuck, I don’t know how long I will be able to take it. Every day starts with checking all the news in the internet, hoping to find some news. Any news. I know I should give up all hope by now, but I just can't. I desperately want him alive. I can't bare the mare thought of him being dead. Please, no… not him and not now…
Coffee smells good and I take a little sip of it, even though my mood is already fucked up this early in the morning. I hadn’t slept well this night. I dreamed of him. Again.
He was lying on the stage floor, near the mic stand, starring at the lights above him, his blond hair sticking out to all directions, shining in the artificial lighting. I was just a few steps away from him, but I couldn’t move. I knew if I would take a step, he would disappear, so I stood still, so that I could just watch him. And he lay there, on the ground, starring at the lights above him. His skin would slowly start to rot, maggots would appear all around him, eating his flesh. And when the red meat would finally show up, when the white worms would be deep enough, he would slowly turn his head to where I was and would mouth the words to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I never hear the words. His eyes plead me to stop the pain and I can’t take it any more – I start walking towards him. And as soon as I move, he starts screaming from pain, clawing with his hands at his chest, his stomach, his legs, trying to get rid of the maggots, and even though I start running towards him, I never reach him. And then I usually wake up all drenched in sweat and trembling.
I had this nightmare again tonight and I just didn’t want to go back to sleep, even if I felt tired. It was almost six in the morning. No use of going through the same nightmare twice in the same night.
Shit, I need to buy some tranquilizers again. Something to help me have a dreamless night. Just drift into blackness and then wake up. I miss this luxury.
It’s only 7:38 now. People are already heading off to their jobs. I have already checked the internet for news, flipped the pages of the most important newspapers I get at my mailbox. No news of Kyo.
It’s been a very long time already that the newspapers stopped writing about him. At first they grabbed the story as something to fill in their first pages. They wrote everything there was on what had happened, made hundreds of their theories as to what might have happened to him. They even investigated into Kyo’s life. Dug up the information from his school and older bands, interviewed people whom Kyo knew in school and after that. They even somehow convinced Kisaki to talk to them of what had broke up the La Sadies. They harassed his ex-girlfriend who broke up with him and left him heartbroken when he was in the band Masquerade. They bothered Kyo’s parents and his sister with questions about Kyo’s childhood and many other things only his relatives could now.
They even dug out a guy who claimed that he was dating Kyo in Macabre times, around the year 2000. Some pictures appeared on the internet and later in newspapers of the guy and Kyo, in his Taiyo no Ao outfit, the background looking exactly like the one where we were filming our PV. Kyo was smiling shyly at the camera that the guy held in his one hand, his other hand around Kyo's shoulders. Kyo looked shy, but genuinely happy.
I tried my hardest to remember the guy, but failed. Only Toshiya said he vaguely remembered him. He was the guy that Kyo took along with himself on the day we were filming video for Taiyo No Ao. But I couldn’t remember seeing the guy. During that entire day I was stressed over the work and every free minute I had I was busy with something and Kyo would always disappear right after the break would be announced.
I don’t know how I managed to be so blind. I had feelings for Kyo already back then. But we were always surrounded by many people during the shows or the shootings of some new video, so I guess I didn’t even thought twice after seeing Kyo talk to some guy during a break.
For me, these news were not so unexpected, because I sometimes doubted Kyo’s preferences in lovers' gender. But it was a huge thing for the press and public. We had a hard time ignoring all the questions directed at us about Kyo’s love life. We declined to answer anything at all.
I’m happy that the guy at least was decent enough and didn’t really want to harm Kyo in any way by revealing their relationship. At least these photos of him hugging Kyo might have really meant nothing at all. But he said they dated, but Kyo left him as Dir en grey was getting more and more popular and he got scared of being discovered. Of being seen with his lover – a guy.
Not everyone believed his story and I was glad of it, because it was soon forgotten and left in peace. But Kyo’s parents believed it to be true. And they were very disappointed. I hated them that day so much. They visited the four of us and demanded to tell them the truth. I asked if that really mattered at all. Wasn’t it more important to find Kyo?
But they were persistent and I told them I had thought that perhaps Kyo might have been bi. Shinya nodded agreeing with me. Die and Toshiya said they didn’t really have any knowledge of any of Kyo’s lovers, female or male.
I saw the disappointment in Kyo’s mother’s face and pure anger in his father’s eyes. After reading so much articles about Kyo’s life and from what Kyo told me himself, I knew Kyo was not an easy child to raise. Not the most easy teenage to educate. A violent and rebellious young man much later. And now – at least bi, if not gay, singer of a rock band, which often entertained their fans with kissing his band mates.
After five more months Kyo’s parents didn’t object when the police stopped looking for Kyo intensely and just left him in the MISSING list. No more search organized for him, no more public attention. The articles stopped showing up, the police stopped looking for him, his parents already buried him in their hearts, wanting to forget the shame of ever having a son who never lived up to their expectations and who had a male lover.
We disbanded, of course. What else was there for us to do? After Kyo’s disappearance, just two months have passed and the Code of Vulgar[ism] DVD was released. None of the four of us had to do anything with it. Management said it was to honor Kyo and not to waste the material we already had prepared for release. But if you asked me, I would say the fucktards just wanted to earn some more money of the band that would soon cease to exist. As Kyo was missing, the band got so much attention as never before, so the DVD was sold very well. It was the most popular DVD in Japan that year.
I refused to take any money from that. It sickened me. Kyo was missing, he might even be dead, but they were still making money out of him, out of his tragedy. At least Shinya, Toshiya and Die were of the same opinion as me. They did everything they could to find him. We all did. But it was all in vain.
I can’t even understand how on earth it all happened. It’s as if we lost him. We lost him somewhere along the way from Hiroshima to Tokyo. Sometime during our ride back home to Tokyo, during one of the times the bus stopped for a break, Kyo had gone missing. And none of us or the stuff noticed until we had to leave the bus in the morning.
Kyo’s things were on his seat, with the little blanket he always used during the rides on the bus to cover himself and his smallish green pillow he would always bring. His bag, his wallet, his passport, his money and credit cards, his mobile phone and his jacket. Everything was there, except for Kyo himself.
No one knew where Kyo was. No one had even the slightest idea.
Later, after police questioned everyone who was on the bus that night, it turned out that after we boarded the bus together until the morning, nobody saw Kyo except me. I remember during the night when we stopped for a short break, I was getting out for a smoke and passed by Kyo’s place, he was still there. Sleeping what seemed to be an uncomfortable position on the two seats. But even though as hard as I tried, I couldn’t remember if he was there when I got back. I was dead tired, and had four beers after the concert. And I just didn’t notice anything.
Putting together the schedule and other testimonies, it must have been around 3 o’clock at night when Kyo was last seen, by me. Others were sleeping in the front of the bus, so they hadn’t seen Kyo after they boarded the bus at all. No one saw Kyo get off the bus at any point during the whole ride. And I still can’t understand how it can be true. Was he kidnapped from the bus while he was asleep? Did he go out of the bus when it stopped and something happened to him? Did we leave him by an accident with no money and no way to contact anyone? Was he maybe attacked while he went to the gas station to buy something when the bus stopped?
There were just too many options and possibilities, but no clues.
I remember…
I wish I could forget, but I can’t. His reaction… It was pure shock at first. He stared at me, his eyes wide, hoping that I was joking perhaps. But saw that I wasn’t and just tried to come up with words. But he never did. Someone suddenly entered the dressing room and told us to hurry up and go, the bus had to leave. And I was so tired, and a little dizzy and just wanted to give up. It was stupid for me to give into my emotions and tell Kyo I liked him. Liked him too much to calmly see him change his clothes in front of me. But I was so tortured inside, the feelings were ripping me apart inside and it was getting harder and harder every day to pretend to be indifferent to him. I really liked him. Liked him too much for my own good. Perhaps love would have been a too strong word, but it might have been close enough to what I truly felt.
Kyo was a gentle, kind person. He was so caring, so emotional that you could read him like an open book. Whatever he felt, you saw on his face. He wasn’t stunningly handsome. No, of course not. He was short and skinny, had crooked teeth. But it’s nothing. I never cared. He still was so damn sexy and attractive to me. His body, his eyes, his lips and his slim bony fingers, and his voice. His God-like voice…
I remember he looked at the interruption and nodded, then slowly took his bag and looked at me uncertainly. There were so many emotions in his eyes that I couldn’t have placed them all and I still can’t. It was hard to tell what he was thinking. He looked so shocked and confused.
“We have to go, Kaoru. The bus… We…”
But he was so shaken he didn’t manage to utter more decent sentences and just lowered his head down and hurried out of the room. I never got to know what he thought of my hurried and out of the blue confession. Perhaps if I would have chosen a better place and time for that, things might have turned out better, Kyo might have said something to me, might have said what he thought about me liking him. But we had to leave for the bus, we all were dead tired after days and days of lives, we were a bit intoxicated from the rush of excitement of the successful tour and from the alcohol consumed at after-party. And I was just too blunt with him.
But I’m happy I told him. If at that moment I had known that it was the last time we spoke… I would have kissed him. I would have done and said so much more to him... But if you’d know everything that was bound to happen, you perhaps wouldn’t have any regrets in life. It would all be too easy then.
I just wish… I wish I told him I loved him. I know now that I do. I love him so badly… And it breaks my heart every single day. I wish he knew the whole truth. I wish I knew the whole truth back then myself.
Shit… Kyo… I can’t take it any more. That our last conversation… Your tired, but happy face… Your sweaty body, rough voice and spiky black hair…
I miss you. I miss you so much. And I hate myself every time I start talking about you as if you were already dead. As if telling you that you were a good person, makes you even more missing, than telling that you are a good person.
Kyo, you parents might have given up on you, your sister might have made peace with your absence, your fans might have found you tragic life and ‘death’ fascinating, the media might have earned a lot from your disappearance, but I am still waiting for you. I am still not giving up on you. You must be somewhere out there. You must be.
Because I don’t know how I would have to deal with the real truth. You and death cannot ever be put into one sentence.
Please, Kyo… please… come back…

TBC
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Blurry Days