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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
This fic was written a long time ago and posted in some livejournals, but I still want to have it here because it is very long (has even a completed sequel) and was my first ever long work and first real attempt at writing fics :)

I am now more proud and happy with my Blurry Days than this one, but still this is precious to me in some ways :) I’m not completely happy with this now because mainly it has A LOT OF cliché situations and characters.

For example, I have here I guess all you could find in a typical fics: shy and nerdy Shinya, loud and outgoing Die, overly emotional Toshiya, workaholic Kaoru and so on, and so forth… There’s a lot of angst, but there’s even more sap! >_< And I’m a bit ashamed of all the sappy scenes where the guys cry a lot… But ahh well >_< I think it’s still decent enough as it was my first real attempt XD lol

Oh, and a little note on PUNCTUATION. When I first started writing, I used the punctuation of my native language, thus, instead of quotation-marks you have dashes to mark the direct speech. As it would be an impossible huge work to change all of them, I leave it as it is and ask you to just try to ignore it :P

So this is it for now :) And it would be great if you left a comment after reading ^^ :)))

CHAPTER 1

Kyo yawned and rubbed his temples with a hand. It’s been a hard weekend for him. Both physically and emotionally. And in the end of the weekend he had a fight with Kaoru. This time a really bad one. It was not unexpected for him but it still hurt. Now Kaoru was trying not to look at Kyo and other guys noticed it but pretended that everything was fine. They did not interfere in Kyo and Kaoru’s relationship because all couples had fights. And it was better not to argue with Kaoru.
Kyo closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn’t focus on his work at all. It was a torture to be in the same room with Kaoru and not be able to try and talk about their problem. Though Kyo thought that sooner or later they will resolve everything, it still bothered him.
Now he could not imagine how things could go smoothly for them like it was in the beginning. But in the beginning there were only kisses. Tender or passionate kisses. They were content enough with just being close everyday. Just with being able to hold hands, to hug each other, to cuddle. Kyo couldn’t recall now how everything started. He had a crush on Kaoru for a long time. There were jokes about them from Die and Toshiya because Kyo just couldn’t hide his feelings. He wasn’t as skilled at that as was Shinya. So Kaoru knew but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Later, they started to go out together after work more often. They drank together, watched movies and did other usual stuff together. And one of those evenings they kissed. Kyo didn’t even notice who began the kiss or how it ended. They did not say a word about it. Never talked about it. They just became a couple without any proper agreement between each other. Kisses became a habit and after some weeks they knew that they had each other and God help those who dared to stand in their way. Kyo would have never thought that Kaoru could be so possessive. Each time somebody tried to approach Kyo in a bar or some other place, Kaoru immediately appeared beside Kyo. Some cases even ended with a fight between Kaoru and other man. Partly because Kaoru was drunk, partly because he was so jealous.
Other guys in the band understood by themselves that Kaoru and Kyo got together. Kyo heard Die mumble “finally” and that only made him smile.
But today he was sad. He disappointed Kaoru. He knew that Kaoru wanted him, all of him, and he refused. They had a fight and after that Kyo could not sleep all the fucking weekend. He wanted Kaoru back. And he knew what he had to do to have him back.
So after work when all other guys quickly went away as if to avoid Kaoru’s anger, he came up to the band leader.
-Can we talk? –he asked softly.
Kaoru turned around and looked at him but did not say a word.
-I’m sorry, Kaoru. I know it’s all my fault we had a fight and you are right. I don’t want to disappoint you, it’s just… Can we start this over? Let’s go to your place again now and… you know…
Kaoru looked straight into Kyo’s eyes as if looking for something. But he knew that Kyo was sincere with him. Kyo never lied to him. Kaoru sighted and caressed Kyo’s cheek with his hand lightly touching the piercing in his lover’s lower lip.
-I don’t want it to look like I forced you to do it, -he said accusingly.
-No, you know it’s not like that. I want you to be happy. If that makes you happy, then I’ll do it. It’s no big deal.
-It seems as if for you it is a big deal.
-But I want you to be proud of me and happy with me. If that’s all that you lack in our relationship, then I’ll do it.
Kaoru smiled and bent down to kiss the blond in front of him. Their lips touched gently and Kyo sighted contently. He never liked to argue with Kaoru. He wanted Kaoru to be happy and as long as Kaoru was happy, Kyo was happy as well.

***

Die could not sit still. He tried to read the morning newspaper, tried to listen to his i-pod, but finally gave up.
-I think we should call them, -he said. –What if something happened?
-Well, maybe we should wait a bit longer, -said Shinya. –It was obvious that they were angry with each other yesterday, maybe they figured things out in the evening and… overslept.
Die chuckled at hearing Shinya give hints like that.
-But what if it’s not the case? I mean, they are both late for more than an hour. I mean, that NEVER happens with Kaoru.
-I know, but…
-I don’t think that they overslept either, -suddenly Toshiya spoke. –That’s not the case.
-How do you know? –asked Die.
-Well, I know for sure that they could not have overslept because of love making all night long.
-I can just ask again-how do you know? –Die repeated.
-Just a week ago I overheard Kyo and Kaoru talking. Kaoru was very displeased and asked Kyo if he’s still a virgin that he does not want to… um… fuck with him.
Toshiya looked at other guys and added.
-They were together for almost a year and they never had sex.
-Um… Maybe last night was first? –asked Die.
-I don’t think so. Kyo seemed to be very sad about it and said that he just needs more time. That did not sound to me like a week.
Guys fell silent for some time. Then Shinya finally spoke:
-Well, I still don’t think that we should be very worried. I still think it has something to do with them being angry with each other. Now we know why, I mean, the love making problem. We should just wait a bit longer.
-Whatever, -Die gave up and took the newspaper again.
After some more time the doors finally opened and in came Kyo. He looked very tired, he had bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess, he looked like he was going to faint any second. Kyo closed the door and looked around.
-Kaoru’s not here? –he asked silently.
-No, we thought he was with you, -Shinya answered. –What happed between you?
Kyo did not say anything. He went beside the window, took a cigarette and inhaled deeply the fresh air. Then he lit the cigarette still not speaking up.
-Kyo, you make us worry, -Shinya said gently. –What happened?
-We broke up.
Nobody said a word because it was too unexpected. Finally, Die asked:
-Why?
Kyo remained silent.
-Is it because of you not wanting to have sex with Kaoru? –Toshiya couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer.
Kyo turned to him, amazement in his eyes.
-He told you about it?!
-No, I just overheard you two talking some time ago.
Kyo turned again to the window and did not answer.
-So, it’s because of that? –Die said partly asking, partly stating the obvious. –But why would you refuse to make love with the one that you care about?
-It’s not your business, -Kyo shot back angrily still not facing them.
-We are in one band, -Toshiya said. –Your problems with Kaoru will affect us all. We only want to try and help you.
-Really? Are you going to have sex with him instead of me?
-Kyo, we are being serious here, -Shinya pleaded.
-So am I. It’s not your business.
It was obvious that arguing with Kyo was useless. Maybe later they will be more lucky. So, guys just sat down and started to wait again. Kaoru finally showed up after another hour. Kyo had smoked almost all his cigarettes by that time. Kaoru entered the room and looked at his band mates.
-Why are you not working on a new song? –he asked angrily. –If I’m not here, it doesn’t mean that you can enjoy yourselves.
-We were worried about you! –Die said. –We thought that something might have happened!
-Well, think again later and now go to work!
Everyone except Kyo quickly stood up and went to their work places. Kyo took another cigarette and lit it up.
-The same applies to you, Tooru, -Kaoru suddenly spoke.
Kyo stubbed out his cigarette without a word and took a seat at the table. He had to finish the lyrics for a song. It was usually not a difficult task to him, but as he was constantly arguing with Kaoru, he couldn’t concentrate. Now, he thought it was hopeless to think that he will do it some day soon. He could not think about anything else than Kaoru. All these words he said to Kyo, all the insults still sounded in his years. He could not still believe that they were through. Kaoru was here, bossing them around as usual. It seemed to him impossible that he was no longer with Kyo. Kyo knew that the pain in his heart will only increase with every passing minute and he dreaded the minute when he would go to his empty apartment. Kaoru will no longer be there.
And the guys knew about their problem. What they were thinking now? Did they think Kyo was a wimp? Did they think it was all his fault?
Maybe it was. Kyo promised to Kaoru to be his body and soul and he did not keep his promise. Kaoru only wanted what was natural between lovers. He wanted physical contact and Kyo failed to give him that.
-KYO!
-Huh?
-What are you doing? –it was Kaoru shouting at him. –You sit here for hours and you did not produce a single word! We need lyrics as soon as possible!
-Then try writing them yourself!
-Don’t get smart with me and DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!
Kyo stood up and glared angrily at the older man.
-I’m not your fucking slave, don’t order me around! I’ll write the lyrics whenever I feel like writing the lyrics.
-And that will be when? In your next life? Do you have some kind of disordered mind that you need time for EVERYTHING you do?
Kyo looked straight into Kaoru’s eyes and saw only pure anger in them. It made him suddenly feel very miserable. He took his coat and started walking away but Kaoru blocked his way.
-You’re not going anywhere. The working hours have not ended yet. That applies to all of us.
-Screw you, -Kyo said and went out not waiting for Kaoru to say something else.
-What are you looking at?! –Kaoru screamed at the other band members and everyone turned away from the leader.
It was not only Kyo and Kaoru’s problem after all.

***

Shinya stood outside the doors for more than five minutes. He knew Kyo was at home because he saw a silhouette in the window so he tried to push the bell over and over again until Kyo finally gave up and opened the door. He looked at the youngest member of the band and said:
-Sorry, Shinya, but I’m really in no mood to talk to anybody right now.
Shinya did not listen and walked into the flat without invitation. Kyo looked at him taking his shoes off and gave up. He closed the door and locked it.
-Tea? Or something stronger? –he asked his guest.
-No, thanks.
They went in to the living room and Shinya saw two empty bottles of bear on the table with another one almost empty. Kyo sat on the sofa and took a cigarette.
-So, what’s the occasion? –he asked.
-Kyo, I’m here not to humor you. I want to help you.
-I don’t need your help.
-Kyo, please…
-I appreciate your concern, Shinya, but there’s nothing you can do.
-But what happened between you? Isn’t there really any hope of your reconciliation?
-I want him back so badly, -Kyo said silently, -but yesterday he made it clear that it’s not going to happen.
-But why?
-It’s just… it’s me… it’s my entire fault…
Kyo suppressed tears forming in his eyes.
-I don’t believe you, Kyo. What have you done to make Kaoru so angry with you?
-Toshiya said it. It’s our sex problem…
-But how can you brake up about such a thing? I don’t understand.
-I kept him waiting for months, he was patient, he gave me so much time but I… Kaoru thinks I don’t love him enough if I don’t want to share everything with him. Sex is important to him, but I just can’t do it. I just CAN’T.
Kyo felt silent for a moment. He felt that if he’ll proceed talking, he’ll surely cry.
-How would you feel, -he asked Shinya, -if someone you loved would not get horny because of you? Every time we tried making love I just could not get sexually excited any more. It’s like… Kaoru would become unattractive to me, though he IS attractive to me. It’s all so… complicated.
At this point Kyo could not take it any more. He put the cigarette away and rubbed his eyes with a hand but the tears still found their way out. He tried to suppress sobs, but could not hold them any more as Shinya sat next to him and hug his shoulders with one arm. Kyo started to sob louder.
-I love him so much… I won’t make it without him… I can’t…
Shinya just kissed Kyo’s forehead and gently rubbed his shoulder with his arms. There was nothing he could do about the situation, he sadly admitted to himself.

***

The mood was much the same the next days. Kaoru was still angry and easily irritated. The lack of patience was more than easily seen. Kyo could not make himself to write a single word on a paper and his mood was getting worse by every day. He looked very sad most of the time.
Toshiya, Shinya and Die were at a loss of what to do. They knew that it was not their business and that they had no right to interfere, but they felt that to do nothing is also not an option.
-I talked with Kyo two days ago, -said Shinya to the other two when they were left alone.
-And? –Die asked.
-He only blames himself for everything and says that there’s nothing he can do about the situation. Kyo misses Kaoru a lot.
-So why won’t they talk?
-Kyo said that Kaoru decided to end up everything. It was his decision.
-So we need to speak to Kaoru, -Toshiya said.
-And what are you going to tell him?
-Die, it can’t be like this any more! They torture not only themselves, but us as well. The band can’t be like this. We won’t be able to work properly with this kind of situation!
-You are right.
Everyone turned away as they heard Kaoru’s voice.
-Talking scandals, aren’t you?
-Um, Kaoru…
-Well, why won’t you say everything directly to me instead of talking under my back?
-We will, -Toshiya stood up and faced Kaoru.
-Oh, you think that I’m the bad guy who left poor Kyo-chan and now not only him, but all band members suffer because of that?
-Well, you left Kyo and he really suffers!
-That’s true, Kaoru, -Shinya spoke up. –Kyo wants you back, he loves you.
-I’m not going to start everything again with him. It’s over for good. I told that to him, now I see that I have to make it clear to you as well. I’m not going to explain to you real circumstances of our brake up because it’s personal.
-We know, -Toshiya said. –It’s because of sex.
Kaoru just stared at him.
-Kyo didn’t tell us, I just overheard your conversation.
-I’m still not going to explain myself to you, -Kaoru said rather calmly. –This whole thing dragged too long one way or another. Sooner or later this relationship would have ended. I just didn’t think that Kyo would take it all so seriously.
-But he loves you! –Shinya protested. –How can he not take it seriously?
-I didn’t want to hurt him, but that’s what happened.
-So, it’s really the end? –Die asked.
-Yes.
-And now what?
-Nothing. Life goes on. We just need time to calm down a little. I think I should apologize for being such an ass lately.
-Oh, it’s nothing, -Die smiled. –You were just a little more strict than usual.
-But what about Kyo? –Toshiya asked silently.
-I can’t help him, -Kaoru said. –He needs time to get used to us being apart from now on.
-At least don’t be too harsh on him about the work. Give him time with these lyrics, -Shinya pleaded.
-I’ll try my best.
They felt silent for a moment. Then Kyo reentered the room and took his seat at the table not even glancing at the guys. The break was over.

***

Kyo stood in the hall and smoked the last cigarette in the pack. The work hours were over but he did not want to go straight home. He stood there in the silent hall and thought about Kaoru. They still did not talk except for the times when they were arguing about the work. It was so tiring emotionally that Kyo was glad that the weekend was almost here.
He closed his eyes and the image of Kaoru immediately sprang into his mind. Beautiful Kaoru.
Kyo sighted and opened his eyes again looking at his hands. He wanted to run into Kaoru’s embrace and never let go of him.
It will take me a long time to stop loving him…
Tears were again almost free from the eyes. Kyo scolded angrily at himself, but that did not help. He dropped the cigarette in the ashtray and turned to go home.

TBC

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Until You Lose Your Breath