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The End of the Road	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1311 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don't know Dir en grey and don't profit from these writings.

Chapter List
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A long time ago I was writing a story called ‘Until You Lose Your Breath’, if anybody still remembers. And I said I stopped it without finishing it the way I wanted, because I was not happy with it anymore. So finally I decided to give it a try and write the rest of it that was supposed to happen in the second part. I’m very hesitant to post this and I’m not sure if anybody would even be interested in it. But I guess I can give it a try :)
And don’t expect this story to be genius or mind-blowing >_< It’s just the last part of what you’ve read, just a little better written (I truly hope). I’ll try to stick to the original writing style of the first two parts :) So plz be kind with this :) I’m not so confident as it is >_<

Chapter 1

Kyo stretched his arms and blinked, still feeling sleepy. He washed his face with cold water one more time and padded to the kitchen. The sun was already quite high and the kitchen was as bright as ever. Kyo half-closed his eyes because the light hurt his eyes and put on some water on the stove. He craved for hot, sweetened coffee with milk. Especially as he didn’t have a cup of decent coffee for quite a long time now.

Kyo took a cup from the cupboard, found a spoon – two spoons of sugar and one big spoon of coffee. The way he loved it. He then sat down at the table and started to absent-mindedly play with a pack of cigarettes with his hand. The usual noise from the street could be heard. Cars, people, dogs barking. It felt good to finally be back at home. He was so sick of the stupid bunks in the bus.

Kyo sighted and shivered a bit. He only wore pajama pants and was barefoot. But it felt nice to be able to wear whatever he wanted. He gripped a strand of his hair with two fingers and looked at the ends. They were blond, but he knew that the roots were already dark. He desperately needed to go to a hairdresser as soon as possible.

The water finally started boiling and he stood up with some effort. When the glorious smell of coffee reached his nostrils, Kyo smiled a bit in content and poured some milk on the top. Then sat down and finally lit a cigarette. His gaze turned to the window again and his hand automatically lifted the cigarette to his lips.

The tour was… interesting. Nothing like Kyo had imagined it would be. And it was not interesting in only a good way. It was of course a very, very valuable experience as none of them knew what touring with a band really meant, because it was totally different in Japan. They tested their skills, tested their level of unity as a band, tested the abilities to deal with stressful and unexpected situations and difficulties. They also saw a completely new fan base that was so thirsty for their live shows. Kyo couldn’t even number now all the things that were new not only to him but also to his band members.

But the tour also had a bad side. There were things that Kyo wished he would have never experienced or had to deal with.

The language barrier. Almost all of the time he felt dependant of their new translator Nora. He could barely order himself a dish in café. If he just poked the picture of a meal and drink, the waiter would bring it, but otherwise none of his attempts at English were understood. And then, more importantly, they had to speak with the people in the venues: the manager, the tech people, the driver of their bus and God knows who else.

Not even a week has passed and Kyo just gave up trying. There were after all four other members in a band and they could deal with all that shit on their own. He didn’t need a guitar, a bass or a drum-set to be set up for a show. He just needed to pick up his mic and sing. And to hell all other technical nonsense. He hated feeling stupid while trying to pronounce something in that horribly difficult language. Interviews in his opinion were the same even if they had a translator. He lost all wish to take a part in any of those. He tried once and after hearing the questions decided not to make another similar mistake. It was none of their business if he was married or not, what he liked to eat for breakfast and what positions in bed he preferred.

Kyo grunted in displeasure at remembering that. He didn’t answer any of these stupid questions. So what was the point of him sitting there at all? None. He didn’t know how to pretend to be interested in such nonsense and still be polite. Kaoru did this job best. Some journalist with a set of most ridiculous questions would never make Kaoru loose his cool. So Kyo decided he would leave it all for the other guys.

And it was not all. The bus. The bunks. The smelly and inhumanly small toilet and shower. No privacy whatsoever for the entire time. No place to go and sulk and be left alone. There was always somebody around. Somebody was always either lying on their bunk, either taking a snack, either sitting with a laptop, calling back home at night or doing God knows what peculiar tasks and never ever leaving the bus empty. It basically drove Kyo mad.

Toshiya was one of the worst things. He talked on the phone with Miyavi for hours and hours and hours. Every evening and every morning. And every time that his and Miyavi’s breaks coincided. And he would not just talk silently. He would laugh like mad or be hyper-exited about some shit Miyavi was telling him or just simply wining of how he missed that pop-freak. And did he ever even think that others would not be overexcited to hear detailed repots of his days to Miyavi? No, not a chance in the world.

Next: Die and Shinya.

Kyo sighted and looked at his already empty cup. He lit another cigarette and leaned back in the chair.

Die and Shinya tried to pretend they were not dating, because it was just the band members who knew about their relationship. But whenever the five of them would be alone on the second floor of the bus, the fun would start. Die probably had a very oversexed libido or something, because he wouldn’t just stop groping Shinya all of the time. And you’d think that Shinya would have some more decency and would be the responsible one in this situation. But no. After he got used to the new living conditions and surroundings, Shinya actually enjoyed AND encouraged these indecent making out sessions. When they all would be already in their bunks for the night, Die and Shinya would whisper, giggle and make out somewhere in the back for an extra hour. Kyo can swear that one night, when everyone was sleeping, he heard the slurping sounds that were just deadly similar to the ones of somebody blowing somebody else.

Kyo gave death glares to the pair all the time, but they just ignored him. They enjoyed the tour in their own way which Kyo just couldn’t understand. Shinya told Kyo more than once that he should just relax and go with the flow, that he was too grumpy and complained for nothing, but Kyo nicely suggested to Shinya to blow Die when there was nobody in the bus and that made Shinya shut up and not talk to Kyo for the rest of the day.

But all of that he could still deal with. There was one more thing that he just couldn’t bare having to deal for too long – gaijin. Or, simply put it, the local people.

Kyo stubbed the cigarette and got up to wash the cup.

These fucking people were abnormally HUGE! It seemed like all the men in the rock/metal music industry either had been training in a gym since infancy or were at least a hundred kilograms overweight. Kyo was so shocked that he didn’t really manage to deal with it throughout the entire tour.

How should he feel when he would pass by a group of some American band members who were so tall that Kyo’s head would reach only their shoulders at best and who were twice as wide and big as Kyo? They all starred. Kyo soon learned the meaning of the words tiny, small, frail, short, like a child. Everyone knew that the Japanese band had no knowledge of the English language whatsoever, so they talked whatever they wanted around them. And Kyo soon learned the words he so much hated.

Deep down inside he hoped that after meeting Shinya everyone would forget Kyo. Shinya was weird, had a really funny voice and all. But nothing like that happened. People actually loved Shinya! And they still starred at Kyo.

Kyo put the cup back in the cupboard with some hate and sneered. Even Kaoru managed to be thought of as totally normal bloke even if he was just a bit taller than Kyo.

Kyo turned and headed back to the bedroom. He couldn’t forget the looks. People were openly starring at him because he was short and skinny. Because he really looked more like a child than a man. And he hated it. He hated it to the marrow of his bones. He loathed it. Couldn’t bare the feeling of being unmanly, of how even his abs and all the perfectly trained muscles didn’t count, only his fucked-up height and smallish frame with tiny bone structure.

And then people started talking of him as being unsocial and unfriendly. Well, what the fuck?! Was he supposed to still smile and be happy and polite when people would turn around and ask if this miniature of a man was really in a rock band? He didn’t think so.

Kyo sighted and slowed his step as he neared the bed in the bedroom. The curtains were still drawn and the room sank in a comfortable duskiness. He sat on the bed carefully and looked down at the sleeping form tangled in the sheets.

Kaoru. His biggest problem and issue during the tour.

Kaoru either pretended to be dumb or just didn’t want to further upset Kyo, but he said Kyo was being stupid and nobody thought less of him because of his height. Well, OK, so be it. But there were more issues between the two of them. Like the fact that Kaoru was never near, but instead he was always doing something. He was busy in the morning, busy in the afternoon, busy in the evening and even at night. Only when they were on the road he would actually just be sitting around. But sometimes even then he would still find some things to be done. That always left Kyo alone and made him brood even more.

And when Kyo would feel like cutting himself a bit for the fun of it on the stage, Kaoru would rage for the rest of the night in front of everyone. He basically didn’t want to hear any excuses and just wanted Kyo not to do it. Oh, but how poorly then Kaoru knew Kyo if he thought he could just order Kyo to do or not to do something and Kyo would comply. That will never happen! That was Kyo’s usual phrase. And they would never reach to some agreement and after another show the verbal battle would resume with all its force.

But nothing topped the biggest issue. And that was closure. Kaoru basically pretended their relationship never happened. He didn’t want any living soul to get suspicious. So that meant no touching, no kisses, no making out and, of course, no even the slightest intimacy. And it drove Kyo mad.

Kyo felt so frustrated almost the entire tour and being not able to release the tension and to just relax into his lovers embrace was driving him to the edge. It all ended with one big fight in the bus when, by some miracle, they were alone only with the other three band members as witnesses. Later that night Kaoru sneaked into Kyo’s bunk and after some attempts at ignoring from Kyo apologized.

Kyo knew it was important to be extremely careful about their relationship. He knew Kaoru had more responsibilities in a band than him. He knew that it was stressful for all of them. So he couldn’t really be mad at Kaoru for long. And Kaoru, as an excuse, that night spent in Kyo’s bunk. But that still left Kyo being bitter and unhappy because the next day things didn’t change much.

So really it was not surprising that Kyo breathed easier when he stepped out of the plane in Tokyo. The tour was successful, but for Kyo it was too much stress to handle. And as Kyo was quite a spiteful man if he felt like it, he refused to make love with Kaoru when they were finally home.

Now, looking at Kaoru’s calm face Kyo regretted being so stubborn. Kaoru just did his job and he did his job in some ways better than Kyo did. Kaoru would never refuse to attend an interview just because he didn’t want to. But Kaoru gave Kyo his freedom to decide and Kyo was grateful for that even if it might have seemed to be unfair for the rest of the band members.

Kyo extended his hand and touched Kaoru’s cheek with the tips of his fingers. Kaoru’s skin was soft and warm. It felt good under his touch. Kyo smiled a bit and sighed.

Perhaps he was too negative about everything. Perhaps he could have really slowed down on the cutting on stage. Maybe he should have been more polite to the crew members and to their new translator. Maybe he overdid a bit with being too jealous of how Die shamelessly showed off his relationship with Shinya. And perhaps he sometimes was too cruel with his remarks for Toshiya.

He should just he happy that Kaoru accepted him how he was – with all the flaws and horrible character traits. Kyo was not an easy person to be with. He was demanding and gloomy, complained too much and was most of the time too negative about everything. And to be with such a person 24/7 in a confided space was no happiness to no one.

Kyo sighed and withdrew his hand from Kaoru’s face.

He didn’t want to admit it but he had to – he hated the tour. It just showed what an ugly person he truly was. And he did not like it one bit.

“Good morning, love.”

Kyo flinched hearing Kaoru’s voice so unexpectedly and turned to look at his lover. Kaoru was looking at Kyo with a slight smile on his face still looking a bit tired but calm. The stubs on his chin were already sticking out and needed to be shaved off soon. For a moment Kyo just looked at Kaoru’s face intensely. It was as if he saw him for the first time. Kaoru’s eyes looked a bit tired, his skin not so clean and young as it was. There were some wrinkles at the edges of his eyes, the skin on his cheeks was damaged by severe skin problems that Kaoru had since he was a teen and left visible marks. Kyo even spotted a couple of grey hairs at the roots. They were not here before the tour, he was sure of that. What struck Kyo the most was that Kaoru looked like a man. Not a young guy from the rock band, not some Casanova-type handsome bloke, but a grown up adult, a man with deep, all-knowing look in his eyes, intelligent and severe. And Kyo was shocked to realize that Kaoru had aged. He had aged and Kyo didn’t notice how it happened.

“Are you alright, Kyo?” Kaoru asked getting a bit concerned. Kyo nodded and brought his hand up to Kaoru’s face, lightly touching his temples and stroking his hair with his fingers.

“You’re getting old” Kyo whispered, his voice heavy with sadness.

“Oh, come on! This joke is not funny any more!” Kaoru laughed but as Kyo didn’t even smile, Kaoru got serious immediately and looked intensely Kyo in the eyes.

“I’ve never noticed before, but you’re so much older now... You’re not the same one I fell in love with many years ago...”

Kaoru frowned, looking concerned and worried.

“Kyo...”

But Kyo shook his head not letting Kaoru say anything else.

“I’m sorry, Kaoru. I was such a burden for all of you during the tour. And I even refused to make love to you yesterday when we got back, even though I craved for your body as much as you wanted mine. Still, I did it just to get back at you out of spite while you were the responsible one out of the two of us. You worked hard, you took care of everything and let me hide in the bus whenever I wanted. I cannot understand how you can stand me, Kaoru. I’m really sorry...”

Kaoru sighted and took Kyo’s hand out of his hair, brought it to his lips and kissed Kyo’s palm lightly.

“Kyo, you know what bothered me the most during the whole tour? Do you know? I couldn’t bear looking at how miserable you looked all the time. If nobody bothered you, you would just sit somewhere silently for yourself and just be... just be there without any particular purpose on your mind. It was killing me to see you so unhappy, Kyo. For me, you were not a burden. You just had a very hard time adapting. I wished you enjoyed the tour, the parties after the concerts, but it was not what you wanted to do. And it was constantly making you look so miserable...”

Kyo bowed his head embarrassed and nodded.

“I don’t know why I felt like that... It was impossible for me to enjoy anything except the concerts. I hated being exposed without a place where I could be alone... or with you.”

Kaoru gripped Kyo’s hand stronger and squeezed it a bit.

“Next time it will be better. You will know what to expect and you will be ready.”

Kyo nodded, thinking that Kaoru was right. Next time he would definitely be better prepared.

“I just... I just don’t understand...”

Kyo stopped suddenly and lunged into Kaoru’s embrace. Kaoru hugged Kyo and stroked his back in an attempt to sooth him.

“We were so young and we just enjoyed our shows, the media attention, the fans. We used to fool around on stage, do silly stuff and just enjoy ourselves. But now... now it’s just hard work for us. We are forced to hide our relationship for the sake of the band. And you... you’re getting old, Kaoru... I don’t want you to get old...”

“But Kyo, you’re being unreasonable. We’re all getting older, not younger. It’s inevitable.”

“Well of course I know that! But it’s just... The older you get, the more chances there are of you finally giving in and leaving me alone...”

“Kyo, you know this is not going to happen any time soon.”

Kyo tightened his grip on Kaoru’s waist and sighed, feeling Kaoru’s warm body so close to himself.

“Kaoru, when was the last time we made love like crazy? When was the last time we fucked like it was the last time in our lives?”

Kaoru frowned and looked down at Kyo, not liking where this was going.

“You can’t remember, right? Well, me too. I can’t remember it as well.”

“So what?”

“We were so madly in love, Kaoru. But now... now we just love each other like we would love a very important person in our lives. It’s now more like a habit for us to be together than all-consuming powerful love. You stopped looking at me like I was some unearthly creature that you worship so long ago that I can’t even remember how it felt to be loved so badly.”

Kaoru sat up in bed making Kyo sit up next to him and made Kyo turn to look at him.

“Kyo, what are you trying to say?”

“I’m just afraid that you will get older, wiser and you’d realize that you wasted your time by sticking up with me. You’d want a real life in a house with the lover that you could actually show to people. Maybe even children. You’d want to get old with somebody you really loved, but not just some crush when you were young and in a band and popular. And the fact that our love seems to have lost the sparkle, the intensity, it just proves that my worries are right. During the tour you showed us all that we can rely on you 100%. You’re the one to whom we can turn to and you’ll soon realize that you need somebody stronger than you to turn to. And I’m just... I’m just not like that. I was a burden, a pain in the ass, demanding attention and just being selfish...”

“It’s enough, Kyo! Please...”

Kaoru put his fingers under Kyo’s chin and lifted Kyo’s head, looking Kyo in the eyes.

“Kyo, I am saying to you now and please listen – I love you. It might not be the same all-consuming love burning with desire, but this love that developed from that one is even better. And you know why? Because this love is mature. The passion all burnt out, but we’re still together. And do I need to tell you why, Kyo? Don’t you really see? It’s because after all the uncontrollable passion burnt out we still love each other and this love is calm, patient, all-enduring, it is much stronger than the previous one because it still is here” Kaoru drew Kyo’s hand to his own chest. “This is why some couples live together for all their lives. You can be fascinated by anybody for some time, but if you really love someone, it will never go away. This feeling that I have for you Kyo, it’s real. I can’t understand why you still feel so insecure about my feelings towards you. I guess it is my fault after all... But Kyo, please, never again think that I don’t need you. I actually never noticed that our passion burnt out, but for me it is not important. I still love you, I still need you and I still want to make love to you. Kyo, please, don’t doubt about my feelings for you.”

Kyo leaned in and put his forehead against Kaoru’s. He lightly kissed Kaoru on the lips once, twice, but Kaoru didn’t like the sadness that still remained in Kyo’s eyes. Kyo was weird and people who didn’t know him thought of him as a strange and detached person. And at moments like these Kaoru himself, after being together with the vocalist for so long, found himself at a loss of how to read Kyo. Why Kyo was so pessimistic about love overall? They didn’t need to fuck like bunnies in order to confirm that they still loved each other.

“Does it hurt you that we have to hide our relationship, Kyo?”

Kyo lowered his gaze and drew back a bit.

“I... no... I don’t think so...”

“Kyo, we never talked about it. Maybe we finally should?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would you want to tell your family about our relationship?”

Kyo shook his head frantically and Kaoru frowned.

“My father would never accept it” Kyo tried to explain. “My mom... I guess she would learn to accept it in the end. Perhaps my sister as well, but I see her and her husband so rarely that we are not as close as we were before.”

“So you wouldn’t want to tell your family?”

“No” Kyo shook his head again.

Kaoru nodded.

“Me too... My parents would not understand. But if they would get to know, they would have to deal with it, they just wouldn’t be too happy about it. Is there somebody else you would like to tell, Kyo?”

Kyo shook his head again.

“I’m sorry, Kaoru. I made a scene for nothing...”

Kaoru sighed and kissed Kyo gently.

“I don’t like it when you are so negative about everything, Kyo. But if you’d accept this old man as your lover, you don’t need to worry about anything. I would not go anywhere.”

Kyo smiled finally and looked Kaoru in the eyes.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Our lives changed so much and it was hard to accept that we’re getting older and that the band is not like it used to be. It’s now serious work, difficult and competitive and we’re just a bunch of rockers touring abroad. And it’s scary how life has changed... I loved my life the way it used to be...”

“Hey, you don’t need to worry, Kyo. Whatever happens, I will always be here, by your side. We’re, how do they say it, an item now and it comes as two in one.”

“Thank you, Kaoru. I really, really love you. I’m afraid to loose you....”

“You won’t. At least as long as I’m not retired and senile. Then I won’t be able to make any promises.”

Kyo released a little laugh and looked affectionately at Kaoru.

“Why on earth do you love me, Kao?”

“If you were a normal man with a suit working in a company, you would have never got my attention. I love all your quirks and weird moods. I just wish you were more positive about things more often.”

“I will try.”

Kaoru smiled and leaned in to kiss Kyo again. The kiss turned to a more passionate one and soon the blanket was dropped to the ground and Kaoru was helping Kyo to get out of his pajama pants. They were deprived from each others bodies for too long and now both craved for the feeling of skin on skin, for forceful touches and heavenly pleasure that their bodies provided to them.

Kaoru was happy to see that all pessimistic thoughts were finally out of Kyo’s head when he rested on Kaoru’s chest still breathing heavily. Kaoru was not oblivious, he saw how hard it was for Kyo to go through the tour and it was no surprise that Kyo suddenly got so sad. Just Kyo’s doubts about Kaoru’s feelings were really hurting him. But Kaoru had to be patient. He had done enough to make Kyo doubt his true intentions and he just needed to do everything that he could prove to his lover that he can and should finally trust him.

TBC

I hope you liked this first chapter >_<

And as I have started this so out of the blue and my priority is White Nights, I won’t be pulling off frequent updates with this. I’ll post next chapter whenever I’ll have it finished :) Just so you know ;)

And comments would make my day! ^^
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The End of the Road