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A Sense of Betrayal	By : white-tiger Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Rasmus Views: 926 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Rasmus. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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- 2
A/N This was originally written as part of a challenge on another forum. The prompts were the senses, touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing. This story covers 4 of them (smell was written as a separate one shot)
1. Blind Truth
I wake up slowly and open my eyes as a rush of panic takes hold of me. I catch my breath and sigh deeply as I calm myself. Every morning it's always the same, the panic before I remember. It's been 4 months since the accident that caused me to lose my sight, 4 months of living in darkness. I don't remember a lot about the accident or anything much before it just what I've been told. I know I was hit by a car and that I ran in front of it. What I was running to or from I don't know, no-one does.
After the accident I was in a coma for a week, no-one knowing if I would live or die or even if I would ever be the same again. It was only after I’d woken up and the swelling in my brain had faded that they knew that I would be OK. Apart from the fact that I was blind. The doctor said there was no physical reason for my blindness, no swelling, no damage, nothing. But the fact remains that I still can't see.
I've spoke to just about every kind of doctor there is and their only conclusion is that it's psychological but no-one knows why, what's causing it. Not even me. I've gone over that night in my head about a thousand times but still nothing. I remember we were on tour, that we had the night off. We'd all gone out for dinner before I decided to go out for a drink with Pauli. Eero had gone back to the hotel to meditate and talk to his wife and kids and Aki who would of normally came with us said he felt ill and wanted to get an early night. I remember being in the bar and having a couple of drinks before Pauli decided to go to a club with a group of fans he'd met. I'd decided not to go as I felt tired and wanted to catch up on my sleep. As much as I've tried I can't seem to remember anything past that point. Pauli's told me that I left him and was headed back to the hotel but that's all he knows.
It's so frustrating that I can't remember, that one little memory could be the key to my sight. I sigh to myself knowing that I'll only get angry again if I think about it too much. I listen carefully, getting my bearings before I climb out of bed. I can hear noises and guess that it's Aki in the kitchen. I know he's not in bed with me, I knew that as soon as I woke up. It sounds like he's eating breakfast, strange as it sounds that I can actually hear him chewing his toast. My hearing has become super sensitive as well as my other senses. I guess it helps that he's a pretty noisy eater as well though.
Aki's been a rock these past 4 months. He hasn't left my side once, he even pretty much moved himself in when I got home from hospital, helping me when I need it, listening when I've wanted to talk, taken all the abuse when I've lost my temper. I couldn't ask for a better friend. It actually scares me to think how close I came to losing him. How I nearly blew our friendship.
It was about 6 months ago, a drunken night out, when I confessed to him that I was bi. And completely in love with him. I know it was stupid to tell him but the alcohol pumping around my body had somehow convinced me that it was a good idea. He actually took it pretty well, he didn't freak out at least. He told me that he loved me too and always would but as a friend. That he was completely straight. He hugged me as he told me that if he ever did decide to experiment that I would be the one he would come to. Things were a little bit weird between us after that but it didn't take long before things fell back into the way they were before. Almost as if I’d never said anything.
I sigh to myself as I decide to get out of bed. For the first few weeks after I was allowed home I didn't move from my bed unless it was to go to the toilet. I was so down, convinced my life was over and so scared that I was going to hurt myself in my darkness. It was hard at first and I did end up walking into just about every piece of furniture I owned but eventually I learnt to move around without hurting myself. It was hard for Aki as well and took a nasty incident of me walking into the corner of the kitchen table before he realised that he couldn't move the furniture, not even slightly. I still remember the agonising pain in my crotch so clearly, it was so bad it even made me vomit.
I kick the blanket off and stretch before sitting up, my feet planted firmly on the floor. I stand up carefully and take a few steps towards my set of drawers pulling one open and pulling out a top. I manage to find some trousers before getting dressed, carefully making sure that everything is in the right way and the right way round. According to Aki I've managed to dress myself back to front a few times and inside out.
I reach out for the set of drawers mentally focussing my position before turning around for the bedroom door. It's hard to describe but it's like I've got a internal map in my head, like I can visualise everything and where I am. I walk slowly with one hand out in front of me feeling for the bedroom door. I find the handle and turn it, opening the door wide enough for me to walk through without hitting it. My other hand reaches out and finds the door frame before I feel safe enough to walk through it. I've lost count of the amount of times I've managed to misjudge it and stub my toe, bang my knee or my head against it.
I walk towards the kitchen my hand slightly out in front of me.
“You're awake,” I hear Aki say, “I was just about to pop out for a while and get some more shopping in.”
I smile at him as I hear his chair scrape against the floor as he stands up.
“So do I match this morning?” I ask gesturing at my clothes.
His laugh sounds like music.
“At least you're colour co-ordinated this time,” he says as I hear the dishwasher door open before his puts his plate into it.
“Maybe I should start buying everything in black again,” I smile as the dishwasher door closes.
“There's some coffee on,” he says as his footsteps get closer to me, “and I won't be long. If you need anything just phone me.”
“OK,” I say knowing he's standing close to me.
I can smell him and feel him, his heat, his breath blowing against my skin.
“Anything you fancy for dinner tonight?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“OK,” he says walking off.
I can feel my heart beating fast, it does every time he's near me. Even though I know he's straight and probably always will be, I still love him. I can't help myself.
I hear him putting his shoes on as I walk towards the coffee. The sound of the doorbell makes me jump suddenly, disorientating me for a second, just long enough to walk into a chair.
“Are you OK?” I hear Aki shout.
“Yeah,” I reply, “the bloody chairs are jumping out at me again.”
He laughs as I hear him open the front door. I listen carefully wondering who's visiting me. I recognise Pauli's voice straight away as I hear them greeting each other with a hug.
“He's in the kitchen,” I hear Aki say as I find the worktop with my hand, “I'm just popping out for a while to get some shopping.”
“OK,” says Pauli.
I can hear him taking his shoes and jacket off as the front door closes.
“I'm in here,” I shout with a smile.
I reach up and open the cupboard as his footsteps get closer.
“Do you want a coffee?” I ask half turning as he stops just in the doorway.
“I can do that,” he says quickly.
“It's fine,” I smile, “I can do it.”
I can imagine the frown on his face.
“Honestly,” I say, “I can do it.”
“OK,” he says hesitantly.
“Sit down,” I say pulling out 2 cups from the cupboard, putting them down carefully before closing the door.
I reach out carefully feeling for the coffee machine. I find the coffee pot and pick it up, my other hand finding one of the mugs.
“So what are you doing here?” I ask holding the cup steady as I pour the coffee.
I put my finger over the rim of the cup feeling the heat as the coffee fills it. I stop pouring quickly as the liquid touches my finger.
“We came back for a visit,” he says, I know he's watching me intently, “so I thought I’d pop by and see how you were doing.”
I move the cup and find the second one, filling it the same way.
“I'm doing better,” I say with a smile.
The last time he saw me was not long after I'd been released from hospital. I’d been feeling very frustrated and angry and had a bit of a temper tantrum.
I put the coffee pot down using both my hands to guide it back into it's place in the machine. I reach over and open the fridge feeling for the milk in it's usual place.
“I can see,” he says.
“I wish I could,” I chuckle.
I can tell from his silence that he's not sure how to respond.
“You can laugh,” I say picking up the milk, “I'm not going to throw anything this time.”
He lets out a small chuckle. I move the milk carton over to the cups and put my finger over the rim again as I pour the milk.
“You look like you're coping better,” he says carefully.
“I'm getting there,” I say, “it's not easy but I can't spend the rest of my life expecting everyone else to put theirs on hold for me.”
I carefully move back to put the milk in fridge again.
“You can't tell me that you don't like having Aki here,” he says.
I feel myself blush as I reach up and open the cupboard again, feeling for the sugar.
I wonder how readable I am, whether he knows about my feelings for Aki. Eero was the only other person I've told, he's always been great for advice and always been the person I've gone to when I've needed to talk about stuff.
“It's been nice having him here,” I say casually.
I find a box and give it a small shake hearing the sugar cubes rattle. I pull it out and open the box taking out 2 sugar cubes. I find one of the cups again and drop both the cubes in before picking up the cup. I turn around feeling for the table with my hand, putting it down carefully before sliding it towards Pauli.
“At least I know there's one person who's life isn't on hold because of me,” I say slightly bitterly.
I find the sugar again and close the box, reaching up for the cupboard. I put it back inside and close the door slightly harder than I'd intended causing it to slam. I hear Pauli sigh behind me.
I always thought Eero was one of my best friends but he's the only person who hasn't been to see me. He won't even take my phone calls.
“Maybe he just finds it hard to see you like this,” Pauli suggests gently.
“He finds it hard,” I say louder than I thought, “he's not the one having to deal with this day after day. I thought he was my friend but he can't even spare 5 minutes to answer the phone to me. Just when I need him the most he disappears.”
Pauli sighs again.
“Sorry,” I say taking a deep breath resting my hands on the worktop, “I just wish I knew why.”
“It's OK,” he says gently.
I find my cup and pick it up, turning around to put it on the table. I turn back around again and find the drawer with the cutlery in. I pull it open and find a tea spoon before closing the drawer again.
“Have you spoke to him at all?” I ask as I reach out and find the chair.
I can hear him moving his head.
“Is that a shake or a nod?” I ask sitting down.
“Sorry,” he says quickly realising what he did, “no I've not spoke to him.”
“Have you tried?” I ask holding out the spoon.
“A few times,” he sighs as he takes the spoon.
“Well at least it's not just me he's avoiding,” I sigh.
I feel around the table until I find my cup.
“I just wish I could remember what happened that night,” I say, “maybe it's the key to everything.”
“I wish I could help,” he says.
I hear him put the spoon in his cup stirring it a few times.
“He probably doesn't know anything either,” I say, “but until he tells me that...”
I sigh again before lifting my cup moving my mouth slowly until it hits my hand. A few fat lips have taught me that it's easier to cover it with my hand.
“I've had so many things going through my mind,” I say after taking a sip, “was someone chasing me? Some fans. Was someone trying to rob me? Was it something worse.”
I rest my cup back on the table.
“Or was it something stupid like I just really needed the toilet,” I say with a small smile, “there's not many things that can make me run.”
I hear him laugh.
“But there was obviously some reason why I needed to get back to the hotel,” I sigh.
I can hear him fidget slightly.
“What?” I ask instantly knowing there's something on his mind.
“Hasn't Aki told you?” he asks.
“Told me what?” I say quickly.
He hesitates making me think that it's something important that I don't know.
“You weren't running back to the hotel,” he says quietly, “you were running away from the hotel.”
I gasp wondering why no-one told me this before.
“The girl on reception said she saw you running out,” he says, “she didn't see you arrive so doesn't know how long you were there for.”
My mind races with questions. Did I go back to the room? If I did why didn't Aki see or hear me? Did I go to Eero's room? Did something happen there? Is that why Eero won't see me or talk to me? I know now that someone knows something, something that happened that night. But most importantly, why didn't Aki tell me?
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A Sense of Betrayal