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You Learn To Love the Pain You Feel	By : heartgrenade13 Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Green Day Views: 1521 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Green Day. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
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"I-I, uh."
"I was hoping your response would be more like 'yes' or even 'y-yes'."
"I'm sorry. I'm just shocked is all."
"Oh, well then just forget I mentioned."
"How?"

Billie shrugged while turning away from me. Every part of my mind was screaming out it's own opinion of what I should say.

"I don't think I'm stable enough for you."

I waited impatiently for a response that I knew I wasn't going to get.

"Are you asleep?"
"If I was do you think I'd answer?"

He snapped his head around towards me. I shuddered as I noticed just how much anger I awoke in him. We had fights before that moment, of course. But Billie was always the first one to brush it aside and open back up his arms along with his heart.

"I'm sorry."
"Good for you."

He turned back around. I gasped and let out all the anguish I felt. The tears were falling in steady streams along my cheeks.

"I do really want to marry you but I'm not so sure if I am good at the whole marriage thing."
"Once again, good for you."
"Fuck damn it!"

After that outburst Billie looked at me and his eyes widened. He out stretched his arms and coddled me. Together we swayed back and forth in a steady rhythm. Then that little ding rang out and the light glowed above our heads letting us know that we needed to put our seatbelts on, for we were about to land.

At my parents house, nothing had changed. Even they acted the same towards my boyfriend has they had always done in the past.

"Why are you wearing so much black?"
"Is your hair supposed to be messy?"
"Is that eyeliner around your eyes?"
"When are you two marrying?"

Billie answered every question as a perfect gentleman. Most men would of made snide remarks back or just walked away but Billie wasn't like that.

"I guess I do because when you're in all black everything matches. Not much thinking involved."
"Yeah, I try and put my hair in perfect dysfunction every morning."
"Oh, yes Sir. I don't think it's fair that only the woman get all the fun stuff."
"We haven't really talked about that much. We're just focusing on the baby right now."

My parents seemed displeased with his answers and I knew I was going to get a stern talk from them later. Later came way too soon.

"Look, Shirley we know you love him but I don't think that you should jump into marriage." My mother spoke gentler than her words were.
"Plus, he seems like a sleaze. Don't marry him. Have the baby and dump him. Make him pay child support." My father was even worse. He was harsh and grunted out every word as quickly as possible. As if I was about to elope that very second.

I stood up and simply left the room. I couldn't handle them. All the emotions were building up too fast. I blame the pregnancy even though I have never been stable. I began tearing at my self. My nails digging in deeply into the pale flesh I had hated since I entered school. I couldn't help but smile. Something was definitely wrong with me. The pain was making me happy. Then those thoughts that hadn't been there in a year came back.

"Nobody really loves you. You just get in their ways. Why not make it easy on them? If you love them you should leave them. Leave all of them."

"Shirley? How did the uh, talk with your folks go?"
"Fine. Just fine."
"Did you mean what you said on the plane about wanting to marry but just thinking you'll fuck it up?"
"Yes."
"Then should we marry?"
"No."
"Right. I'll let you be then. Don't want to trouble you any longer."
"I mean yes we should."
"So, are we going to?"
"No. I mean yes. No. I'm only a problem."
"I-I alright. I think I'll leave you alone. You're kinda not really being yourself right now. I'm assuming it's the whole hormones thing and, God, don't get mad because I said that...but, I love you."

He shut the door behind him, stupidly leaving me all alone, unbalanced, in a room that held a gun. I wasn't sure if Billie knew. I wasn't sure if my father had done his normal ritual of grabbing the gun from atop the closet and cleaning it in front of my lover. All while holding a grin on his face and a finger near the trigger. The trigger I was too close to at that moment myself.

I held back the tears and began to choke. I questioned what I was doing all while egging myself on. I unsteadily took the safety off. And with a click I knew I had to make my decision. Live unhappily or die unhappily? Neither of which was what I desperately wanted. Boost up the medication or save the money and time? I wanted to be happy for never had I been happy. Pull the trigger or put the gun down?

The gun was now shakily beside my head and I was beside myself with fear. What if there was no afterlife? Then there would be no point in dying. Then again, I knew for sure that I wasn't going to heaven so I prayed that there were no heavens or hells.

My finger slowly began bending and curling around the trigger. I closed my eyes. One lonely tear dropped. Then my eyes shot open. Kill myself or let life take it's own course? "I fucking hate decisions." Then I thought "Do I really want those four words to be my last?"

"I love you Billie." I whispered re-closing my now swollen, burning eyes. Live or die?

Ten Commandements of Love
#10
Thou shall never ride high upon a deep depression.
- 9
- 10
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You Learn To Love the Pain You Feel