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Ship wrecked	By : KarinVAM Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 3333 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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“I’m…….I’m so sorry….I...”

“Bammie, come here, please put that down…Good god look at you….”

“I just wanted to take it away…I just wanted….I just…Oh….”

“Ok, Ok, Ssh now, it’s ok.”

Bam wanted to cry. Maybe he was crying. But he didn’t feel anything anymore since the sharp rock he'd carved deeply into his flesh. He didn’t feel the pain. He just felt release. Oh wonderful release. Still looking into Ville’s eyes now, pain and shock into his eyes. Fear. He wish he could take it all back.

He had been a cutter at home. Even though it had been a long time since he had last done it before today. But he knew doing this was the only thing to keep himself from going insane. To keep him from throwing himself off that cliff or hanging himself on a palm tree.

Goddamnit! Why was it always, always like this. Every time something happened he couldn’t handle, his body began playing tricks on him. Making him fall so far down, and in a complete state of panic. Almost like he was on fire.

Seeing the blood, feeling something different, made him feel sane again. Made him fall back into himself, reality again, and stopped the panic rushing trough his body and mind. It was the only way.

No one understood how it felt, so it had always been a secret. His filthy little secret full of blood, scars and knifes. Darkness. It was so addictive and so dangerous.

Usually he was so in control, and made sweet, straight little cuts to release the nagging feeling inside of him. But without his medication his nagging became downright disastrous and made him loose his will to keep himself as unharmed as possible.

Like today.

It made him feel so sick, he threw up the entire contents of his stomach, before stumbling down the cliff. Nauseous like never before, and feeling like their was something under his skin needing to get out.

Ville, not wanting him. Him wanting Ville. Ville running from him.

The rocks. The sharp razor rocks by the lake. The rocks they used to shave themselves with.

Ville’s smooth skin against his.

The rocks. If he could just cut this feeling away he would be alright. He could focus on something else.

Ville’s mouth on his. Moaning against him. Touching him. Smelling him.

Blood. He needed to see it. To feel it stream over his skin. To get it out. Get everything out.

And he had ran down to the lake. Ran as fast as he could, hoping to leave the feeling behind him. Not thinking, just feeling.

If he had thought…anything at all, he wouldn’t have done the reckless things he had done. Then he wouldn’t have picked up the stone he had shaved himself with that morning, and shoved it recklessly into his lower arm. The soft white skin on the inner side. Right beneath the elbow.

Then he would not have tore his skin so deep and made a rough and messy cut all the way down his lower arm, almost up to his wrist.

Then he wouldn’t have pulled it out to cut the other arm the same way, just because he didn’t feel the first enough.

Then he wouldn’t have been bleeding like this, red fluency streaming down his arms and hands, standing next to the lake with the stone still in his shivering fist. Tears streaming soundlessly down his numb face.

Now the panic was slipping away together with his blood, he realized what he had done to himself. That he had made an awful mistake once again. That he really couldn’t function without his medication without loosing control.

Oh dear god.

And now Ville was here, seeing him. Like this. It was terrible. It was all like a bad dream

He wanted to run again, but he felt himself getting so weak, as Ville’s face appeared in front of him, looking terrified, and soothing him with a shaky voice.

Taking the rock from his hand, and guiding him away from the place, unshed tears making his green eyes seem more magnificent then ever before. Looking at him with something in his eyes he couldn’t divine. Something that made his head so clear and lifted the clouds around him.

“Bammie, oh god Bammie.” Was almost like his mantra, as he guided Bam to their camp out. He had never been so worried or so scared for some one's life. The bleeding was so intense and Bam was looking so scared. Guilt and fear ruled his every move, and he felt so powerless he wanted to cry.

He already was, he noticed, when a water drop fell from his chin.

And then, the pain kicked in. Bam suddenly felt a sharp sting in both his damaged arms.

His flesh was burning so badly and his head was getting light. Everything was spinning, and he felt his stomach turn again from the sickening pain.

What had he done to himself? He asked himself once again as he took one look at the cruel wounds on his arms he had made only minutes ago.

Ville held him as his body doubled, and he vomited in the nearest bush. Sweat was dropping from his forehead as Ville stroked the hair sticking to it to the side with a trembling bottom lip.

“Come on now. Are you alright. Can you walk?”

Bam wasn’t answering, and Ville knew he was slipping from him. His eyes were barely staying open, and he was staining both his worn clothes and Ville’s with the blood still flowing from him.

Supporting him and holding him with both arms, he finally managed to get Bam onto the rubber boat. Laying him down carefully and stroking his face gently as he did. Trying to keep him conscious as he saw his eyes close and his face whitening.

“Bammie, please stay awake. Oh god please stay with me.”

Ville felt a glint of hope when Bam opened in his eyes again. Just a bit, but enough to know he was still there. There was still time.

“Ville, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…….I’m so sorry.”

He whispered it over and over, but Ville shushed him gently, biting his bottom lip as he cried. Seeing Bam like this made him want to scream.

If Bam died, he would too. Without Bam, he would loose his mind on this island.

Screw his pride, screw his reputation, screw his sexuality. He needed Bam. He needed him as a friend here, and as a companion. As some one to talk to. As some one to cry with. As some one to cuddle up to when he was scared at night. As some one to just be there. That didn’t explain why the kiss had felt so good. It still didn’t. But it didn’t matter now.

Still he was more confused then ever, feeling so desperate and furious when he saw Bam like this. He was more dear to him then he had realized.

It was all so confusing.

“Bammie please…..don’t speak. You’re too weak. Spare your strength.” Bam cringed when he heard the shiver in Ville’s voice. The unbearable pain in his body, not standing up to the great pain in his heart. For making Ville going trough this, and for making him cry. A broken heart was so much harder to bear than ripped flesh.

‘Pressure, you need pressure…” Ville suddenly mumbled, more to himself then to Bam.
And without a warning he pulled his black t- shirt over his head, and ripped the material roughly with his with his teeth. Exposing his naked, smooth and pale chest to Bam’s eyes, who forgot about his pain for a heavenly second.

Ville. God Ville. There was so much to study.

The way his muscles moved underneath the skin. The way his dark hair stood out against his ivory skin. The small line of hair underneath his bellybutton disappearing in his jeans. The beautiful inked that stained his pure skin with drawing and symbols he hadn’t seen before. He was truly something else.

He only gasped when he noticed Ville ripping his shirt and placing the pieces over his cuts, wrapping them around him so tightly.

Pressure. He was making the bleeding stop.

And he rapped him up until the cuts were covered, wrapping the tight and making a knot to keep them in place.

Suddenly, Bam felt himself remaining at the same strength. He wasn’t strong anymore, but he wasn’t getting weaker. He wasn’t loosing much blood anymore, as the fabric was bound so tight on him.

“I’m not dying. I’m not.” He whispered with a hoarse voice, making Ville choke out a heartbreaking sob.

“I promised you I wouldn’t kill myself, and I….I won’t…I won’t break my promise Ville I…”

“Shhh, I know, I know….It’s alright. You’ll make it….You’re strong. I know you can do this Bammie.” Ville tried to smile, but he was shaking too much. He couldn’t believe Bam would worry about the promise he had forced him to make right now. It truly touched his heart, and felt himself drowning in the shining sapphire eyes. Why, oh why did it feel like this.

Only his eyes showed how welcome Bam’s words had been. It gave him hope that it could be true. That he wouldn’t loose him.

“Sleepy…God I’m so….”

“No! Bam no. Stay with me. Don’t close your eyes. Stay with me ok?”

Ville was quietly begging, and Bam fought for consciousness. He needed to stay awake, if Ville wanted him to. Even though he was so damn tired. But somehow he knew, that falling asleep could make him slip. Could make him never wake up again.

“Talk to me. Please talk to me Ville. Help me stay here….”
He asked him in a whisper , knowing Ville’s voice could keep him here. Would give him a reason to stay sharp. To focus.

“Oh Bammie, alright. Ok. Just…..I’m so sorry Bammie. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I know it must have been the reason for you doing this, and I’m so sorry. I know you don’t have your meds here and…..I'm so confused Bam, and I know you were too…... Stay with me Bam.”

He noticed Bam, who had been slipping again, opening his eyes at his command. Letting him know he was still there.

“But us kissing was just so…..I never kissed another men before. Not like that anyway. And the way it felt…. I know you're just lonely, and so am I and…and the asthma attack…Oh Bam I just want you to know that this won’t change anything between us alright? We will still be friends and…everything will be alright and…”

“Ville?”

“What…yes, yes Bam?”

“Please kiss me.”

Hello Kitties!! Ok yeah again with the cliffhangers and drama...I know, I know *shakes head* Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews honey's! I would have quit a long time ago if it wasn't fo you guys! So I'm sorry for all the drama, but hey...Love coming up!! Ok so now....Comments, siggenstions, reviews....GIVE THEM TO ME! PWEASE! Ooohhh pweasseee!
A special tahnks to my best friend and beta Punksbitch! You are my Muzze darling, and without you I would never have even started this! Kisses!
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Ship wrecked