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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Author comment: Personally, I am very fond of this chapter… I let the events flow very slowly and enjoyed getting into details. Next chapter is the last one already… :(

--- the 20^th of December ---

My mobile continues to ring viciously and there’s nothing else for me to do but to pick it up. But all I manage to do is to extend my hand with my eyes still closed and grope around for a moment or so until I feel the cool surface of the phone. I take it and then manage to crack one eye open and look who’s bothering me on Sunday morning.
Die’s name flashes on the screen. Odd. I push the button and put the phone to my ear.
“Hi, Die!”
“Hi, Kaoru! Hope I haven’t woken you up?”
“You did, but it doesn’t matter now. What’s up? You sound very tired.”
His voice actually sounds drained and very horse.
“Well, there’s a reason I’m calling… I don’t want Toshiya to be the first one to call you, because he will make it sound as if I was on my death bed.”
“What?! What are you talking about?”
Now I feel wide awake. I sit in bed and glance at the clock. It’s almost midday.
“I had a car accident.”
“Are you OK?! What happened?!”
Kyo stirred next to me and the bed shifts a bit. He turns over on his back and looks at me with his sleepy, but worried eyes.
“Well, it’s kind of stupid… I mean, it’s my entire fault… I had too much in a bar and then decided to drive back home by myself. I think I fell asleep while driving, I was very tired and quite drunk after all…”
“What the fuck, Die?!”
Did he seriously drive while being drunk? How old is he? Fucking sixteen?
“So yeah… I just had a little accident.”
“But are you OK?”
“Well, I’ve got my left leg and arm broken, some more broken ribs, a concussion, but I’ll live, so it’s no big deal!” he tries to laugh it off.
“When did it happen?”
“Ten days ago. I’m really surprised you don’t know yet.”
“Man… Die, your injuries sound serious!”
“They are, but I’m OK now. I really got lucky. The ambulance came very quickly. If they would have taken more time to arrive, I’d be dead now perhaps… But it’s OK – I’m alive, aren’t I?”
“Don’t joke about things like that!” I can’t help but say what I think. No wonder he’s afraid Toshiya would have made it sound like he was dying. I bet Die has toned down his injury list and wants to just laugh it off.
“How are you now, Die? It must hurt like hell.”
“Actually, I feel quite OK knowing what injuries I have. Surprisingly, the broken bones don’t hurt. I’m still waiting for the drugs to stop working and for the pain to start. But my head and my chest hurt madly and I still feel nauseous and dizzy. But it’s only expected. I mean, the car was completely trashed! It’s a miracle I made it out alive with just a few broken bones!”
He stops talking as if suddenly realizing he told me too much.
“Me and Kyo will come to see you today, OK? Text me the address of the hospital you are in.”
“OK.”
“But seriously, Die, what were you thinking?!”
I hear him sigh and keep silent for a moment.
“I was just in a shitty mood about… many things. And I wanted to get wasted and forget all of them. But I didn’t think I’d be so drunk as to not think before sitting by the wheel. I know it was stupid. I’m losing my driver’s license for some time now, had to listen to my mother bitching about what a stupid decision it was and how I don’t take care of myself. And Toshiya…”
Die falls silent suddenly. Come to think of it, we’ve never got to know if he and Toshiya got back together after all. They never told us and we didn’t ask. And as me and Kyo became so horribly busy, we barely saw them a few times since summer.
“Was Toshiya the reason why you went out to get drunk in the first place?”
“Sorry, my mother is back, I gotta go.”
“OK, I’ll see you today. Bye!”
“Bye!”
I wonder if his mother really came in or if he just wanted to end the conversation. But I guess it doesn’t matter.
“What happened to Die?” Kyo’s voice stirs me from my thoughts. I turn to look at him.
“He had a car accident. He’s in the hospital right now.”
“Is he OK?”
I shrug.
“He sounded alive. That’s good enough already, isn’t it?”
Kyo smiles.
“We’re going to see him, aren’t we?”
“Of course!”
Kyo smiles wider and yawns.
“I’m so fucking sleepy” he mutters. I look at him more closely now. His scull tattoo on his chest and shoulder sticks out from the sheets and is glaring at me. I really like his tiger on the belly so much more than this thing. Kyo still wants more tattoos, but I don’t know if I want him to have more or not. Though it doesn’t matter, he’s still going to do the way he wants.
At least I’m done with my tattoos. I got so much during such a short time, but I’m happy with the result. I love how both of my hands are fully covered in ink. It looks great. Kyo also thinks the same. I wish my mother would finally accept it as well. She hates my tattoos. I know she does, even if she never told me this directly.
Suddenly I feel Kyo’s fingers touch my hand and look at him.
“It’s our only free day from work” he says. I shrug. It’s not as if we have a choice right now. I know we wanted to sleep in and just enjoy the day together.
I lie down and look him in the eyes.
“Yesterday was great” I say and Kyo lowers his eyes as if he suddenly became shy.
“It was” he murmurs silently and I can’t help but laugh.
“What’s with all this shyness suddenly, Kyo?”
“Yesterday was a little… over the top…”
“What are you talking about? It was great! We deserved some mad shameless fucking all night long! We’ve been working non stop for so long and so hard that a little reword our way was more than welcome!”
“I said some embarrassing things yesterday.”
I laugh again and lift Kyo’s chin with my hand making him look at me.
“What would those be, Kyo? You mean all the vulgar things that escaped your mouth while I was fucking you?”
Kyo nods, looking serious, but I can see a little smile at the corners of his lips.
“Wasn’t last night just great, Kyo?”
“It was” Kyo whispers. “You’ve got such a great libido, Kaoru.”
I don’t want to brag, but we managed to do it four times last night! Our personal record! We went to sleep only around six in the morning. But it was a great night! We haven’t touched each other for so fucking long that I was dying to finally get my hands on him.
Kyo leans closer and kisses me lazily. I kiss back, drawing my hand down and resting it on Kyo’s chest.
“It’s so annoying sometimes. I mean, we live together! Who would believe us if we told them we didn’t have time for some private moments even after we get back home?”
“And if we did have the time, we were dead tired” I chuckle, remembering the days. The last few months were so busy for us and especially me as I still have Yoshiki’s band as my side job. So we barely had a calm moment for a long time now.
“It’s going to get even busier until January” I add. “But at least all goes well for us.”
Kyo nods and closes his eyes.
“Hey! Don’t fall asleep! We need to get up, have a shower and breakfast and then go to the hospital to visit Die.”
“He chose the worst time to get in an accident” Kyo mutters angrily. “And what exactly happened?”
“He was drunk driving.”
“Figures” Kyo snorts and sits. “Well, let’s go see that lousy bastard. I bet he’s in pain right now.”
“Yeah… I wonder what’s happening with him and Toshiya. We should have asked.”
“Yeah, we should… but we’ve been living only for our band for so long that I’m not surprised we forgot all else in the world.”
Our band he says. But I let it go this time. And maybe it is our band. I mean, it’s really both of us putting in equal amounts of work and effort to make it work.
“Well, let’s go and maybe we’ll find out today.”
Kyo nods and gets out of the bed. I watch him go out of the bedroom, his naked body from behind looking so stunningly beautiful to my eyes.
I close my eyes for a moment, letting myself relax for the last minute before another hectic day will start.
This Sunday had to be only for the two of us.
But I guess life has proved us both that usually nothing goes according to the plan.

***
When we enter the ward, I actually stop for a split second and stare at Die in the bed. Kaoru said Die had some bones broken and was roughened up a little, but what I see now is... Die’s lying in the bed with his leg and arm in plaster, his head and chest bandaged, with bruises all over his body, he looks so pale and sick, and so weak as if even lifting his right unharmed arm took the rest of the energy he still had. He’s got an IV in his right arm and some shit I don’t even know the name of on his chest.
Though when the next second I make my legs move and we near the bed, Die cracks a small smile and greets us silently. Only then I see his mother sitting on a chair right next to his bed. I bow to her slightly.
“Hello” Kaoru greats them both and I manage to utter a silent ‘Hi!’ as well.
“Nice to see you, guys” Die says. He sounds tired. Perhaps he was feeling rested in the morning when he just woke up and called Kaoru, but later in the day he already got tired.
“You look like shit.”
I don’t even notice how I let the phrase slip out from my lips. It’s too late that I remember that Die’s mother is just right here. But she either doesn’t hear or chooses to ignore my remark, as not even a smallest muscle twitches on her face. Her eyes are glued on Die all the time.
I feel Kaoru nudge me in the shoulder. Sometimes it irritates me a lot how he still thinks he has to lecture me how to behave myself as if I had no clue whatsoever!
“Thanks, Kyo. You’re too kind” Die mocks me, but the smile remains on his lips.
“How are you feeling, for real?” Kaoru asks, but glances at Die’s mother shortly. Perhaps he’s also not very comfortable in her presence for some reason.
“I’ll go get myself coffee” she suddenly says and stands up. “Will you stay here until I come back?” she asks us and Kaoru nods.
“We will.”
“OK, I’ll be back shortly.”
She throws a very angry look at Die and only then leaves. We sit beside Die’s bed now instead of her.
“Geez… she’s driving me crazy” Die says and closes his eyes for a moment. “She doesn’t stop annoying me with her constant reminders of how lucky I am to be alive.”
“But you look just like that” I can’t help but say it. “You look horrible, Die - like you barely made it.”
“But I am alive, aren’t I? What’s the point in talking about it now?”
“Do you even want us to tell you that?” Kaoru says and his voice sounds much too cold for his usual caring nature.
“Don’t you start that with me!” Die glares at him, but Kaoru doesn’t even falter for a second.
“Die, if you behaved like a fucking adult, nobody would feel like they needed to lecture you. But you’ve been driving drunk and you’re now here – barely alive and lucky to be fucking breathing. I really thought it wasn’t that bad when you called me, but… Shit, Die, you look like you’re about to collapse from all your injuries and exhaustion! And it’s your entire fault!”
“I know that myself!” Die shots back and turns his head away from us, clearly unhappy and irritated.
We all keep silent for some time and it’s a bit awkward. We used to be able to tell each other whatever we wanted, but now it appears that we can’t anymore.
“Where’s Toshiya?” I ask, unable to think of anything else to talk about.
“He should be here any minute now” Die mumbles his answer, still not looking at us.
“Die, hey” Kaoru puts his hand on Die’s broken one gently, trying to get our friend’s attention. Finally Die turns back to look at us.
“We’re just worried. We don’t want to lose a friend. Can you try to understand and appreciate that?”
“I can. I just don’t want to hear any bullshit right now. I get that enough from my parents and Toshiya.”
“And Toshiya?” I chuckle.
“Yeah…” Die lets out a long breath. “He’s been the worst… He and my mother ganged up on me and all I hear from both of them recently is how I deserve the suffering I got… It’s getting horribly annoying.”
I want to only add that they’re right, but I stop myself from doing that. Maybe I shouldn’t rub salt in his wounds, so to speak.
As if on cue, the door opens and Toshiya comes in. His face is all red as if he was running, he breathes heavily, trying to hold many smaller and bigger bags in one hand and a take-out food bag and coffee in his other one. He kicks the door shut with his leg and stumbles over to Die’s bed.
“Oh, hey guys!” he greets us. “You’ve heard the news finally?”
“Yeah, we did” Kaoru chuckles.
“Hi, Totchi!” I greet him.
“Hi, Kyo!”
Toshiya drops the bags on the floor and puts the take-out bag and coffee on the table.
“My lunch” he says, as if trying to justify himself. Then he turns to look at Die. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m alright” Die shrugs, but Toshiya doesn’t seem to be convinced. He takes another chair and sits down by the table, takes out the food and chopsticks.
“I’m sorry, guys, but I’m going to eat. I’m starving.”
“That’s OK” Kaoru smiles to him.
I watch how Toshiya devours his chicken salad in huge bites while drinking coffee from time to time and I can’t help but ask him.
“What’s been keeping you so busy that you don’t even have the time to eat?”
“Work” Toshiya mumbles with his mouth full. “Now when a certain someone has decided to enjoy himself with drunk-driving, there’re a lot of things that have to be done because of the change in our schedule.”
Die screws his face in dislike, but his lips are shut tight. He doesn’t say anything back.
“I’m so absolutely angry on him!” Toshiya continues, ignoring Die. “He almost died! Barely made it!”
“But I did” Die mumbles quietly, a little hint of irritation in his voice. “Can we drop this already?”
“No, we can’t!” Toshiya shots back. “Until it sinks in for you to not ever again do any stupid shit like that ever again!”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Die shots back, getting angrier even more. “How many times do I have to repeat that to you?”
“I know you didn’t crash your car on purpose, but you sat to drive knowing full well that you were fucking drunk! And that, my dearest, was so totally irresponsible and stupid!”
It seems like Die has a lot more to add, but for some reason he holds back. Toshiya continues to eat, now stabbing the food with the chopsticks furiously.
“I’m sorry” he says turning to us, “but I get so angry very easily lately. I can’t seem to let go of my anger so easily.”
“That’s alright” Kaoru chuckles. “After all, somebody has to do that. I mean, get on Die’s nerves for what he has caused upon himself.”
Die turns to look out the window, looking offended and somewhat angry at all of us.
“How have you two been doing lately?” Toshiya asks, still munching on the food and ignoring Die’s displeasure.
“We’re all right, though very busy.”
“I’ve bought your first single yesterday, actually. I thought it was great!”
“Thanks” Kaoru smiles. “I’m really happy you think so. We’ve been getting a share of criticism as well.”
“Don’t listen to any of that bullshit! They only try to find a chance to bite you, even if you don’t really deserve it! I thought Kyo’s voice was great! I never knew you could scream like that, Kyo!”
I only smile to him, barely holding back the words that want to slip out from my lips. I also never knew how powerful my voice was. But I trained it well while screaming from pain every day for over a year. So no wonder it changed a lot from what it used to be.
Toshiya finally finishes eating and puts the box aside.
“It took you some time to release it.”
“Yeah… at first we had troubles with finding a label. Everyone was very reluctant to work with us.”
“With me” I correct Kaoru. Everyone gladly would have worked with Kaoru, but nobody wanted me.
Toshiya stares at me for a moment.
“Huh… Well, at least all ended up well and you’ve got your first single out. And it’s really good. Like, really really good. I think you’re on the right path. I wouldn’t worry too much over some stupid critics.”
“Have you brought it for me to listen?” Die suddenly asks, turning to look at us again.
“Of course I did. I always keep to my promises.”
Toshiya takes his coffee and drinks. I can’t really understand what’s actually going on with the two of them. Is Toshiya just angry and they are just bickering or have they split up and Toshiya’s just visiting, because they’ve remained friends and coworkers?
“So what else is new with you?” Toshiya asks. “We barely see each other at all. When it used to be just me and Die busy, we managed to meet up from time to time, but now as the two of you are so busy as well, we never even see each other that much at all.”
“But it’s good to be occupied” Kaoru says. “It really is great to get immersed in making music. And making music for Kyo is the best thing ever.”
“I can tell” Toshiya chuckles. He finished drinking coffee and after putting the cup aside, turns now fully to Die and takes the fingers and palm of his broken hand in both his ones and starts absentmindedly caressing them. I watch Toshiya’s hands clasp Die’s palm gently and see Die’s fingers hold back lightly, as much as the cast going all the way to his wrist allows.
“My sister finally gave birth to her baby” I say, watching them, trying to get all the clues right. Are they just so used to each other that they don’t even notice such little actions of affection? Or are they back together for real?
“And it’s…?” Toshiya asks.
“A boy” I fill in. “A very big baby, actually” I chuckle, remembering the round chubby cheeks. My poor sis had to go through some trouble until the baby was finally born.
“How’s everything else with you?” Die asks suddenly, looking at Kaoru. “How is everything with your parents?”
“Well… more or less the same… Though my parents have changed their attitude towards us a lot after the… trial.”
Kaoru hesitates so much to even mention that. I look at him sympathetically, hoping that he’ll understand that I don’t mind him speaking about that.
“And yours, Kyo?”
“Mine?”
What does he expect? That my parents are already arranging a wedding for us?
“I haven’t seen much of them as my mom has directed most of her attention to her grandchild lately.”
“But is your farther talking to you now?”
“To me, yes.”
But not to Kaoru. Or not about Kaoru. And thankfully I don’t need to voice it out, they seem to understand it without me telling.
“I crave for a cigarette!” Toshiya says suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Care to join me?”
“I’m not smoking anymore” I say.
“I’ll join you” Kaoru stands up. “I still take a cigarette or two from time to time.”
“Jeez, I’d kill for a cigarette” Die says, looking miserable.
“That’s your own fault!” Toshiya says coldheartedly and stands up. “You’ll stay here, Kyo?”
I nod. They both leave and I turn to look at Die.
“Maybe it’s a good time to quit?” I ask. “It’s not that hard as it looks.”
Die shrugs.
“I think the first thing I’ll do when I’ll finally be able to stand on my both legs again, I’ll go get a cigarette. You can’t even imagine how much I crave for those.”
“Does it hurt?”
“What exactly?” Die sniggers, amused by my question. “The broken bones or my head? Or my chest?”
“All of it?” I shrug. “You really look bad…”
“I’m not in much pain. They give me painkillers if only I ask. So I’m not in any horrible pain at least.”
“That’s good then” I smile at him. “But you know… even if you like to overdo with drinking, it never was like you to do stupid things like that…”
“I was just very upset that night” Die says, looking away for a moment. “I had many problems, many issues and Toshiya…”
He falls silent, not finishing his thought.
“But you know what, Kyo?” he turns back again to look at me. “I don’t give this accident any prominence. I believe that if it was my time to die, I’d be dead now. But apparently it wasn’t. Because otherwise I’d be so dead right now. I actually remember the moment of the accident itself… I remember just before the car crashed, I thought to myself ‘that’s it’. I thought this was the very last moment of my life…”
I put my hand on his healthy one, almost touching his elbow, and squeeze it gently.
“I know too well how it feels, Die.”
He looks me right in the eyes and I can see so much sympathy towards me, so much affection and understanding.
“You know, Kyo, I never really got the chance to tell you this, but… but you’ve changed so much. Sometimes I don’t even know how to talk to you, because the Kyo I knew when I was still in a band with him has never come back. What I see now in front of me is a very different man. A very bitter, sad and tortured soul. And most of the time I don’t even know what to say to you, how to talk to you.”
“I’m sorry…”
That’s the only thing I can think of saying to him.
“Don’t be” Die chuckles. “You know… once we talked with Totchi about you and he said that maybe you’re like this only around others, maybe with Kaoru you’re slightly different. Happier even.”
I shrug, not really knowing if it’s true or not. I never noticed I was so gloomy around everyone else. I draw my hand back and put it on my lap.
“I’m happy with Kaoru.”
“Really?”
“Yes, of course. Why would I be with him if he made me unhappy?”
Die laughs and I watch his smile with envy in my heart.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Die, but I don’t understand how the hell age has added beauty to you rather than taking it away?”
“What?”
“Well, in my opinion you look way better than you used to. I mean, not right now, because now you look like shit, but otherwise… You know what I mean?”
“I guess” he smiles. “You have a strange way of complimenting people, Kyo.”
I shrug. Maybe I shouldn’t have even said anything. But I truly think Die’s hot. Maybe I just shouldn’t go around telling that to people.
“I was meaning to ask you about Toshiya… I mean---” I shut up immediately when I hear the doors being opened. Die’s mother comes back.
“Has Toshiya come back already?” she asks, looking at the small bags that Toshiya has brought.
“Yeah” Die nods reluctantly, looking apologetically at me.
“I hope he’s eaten already? If not, he can go now as I’ll stay with you for now.”
“He’s just eaten, mother” Die answers a bit irritated.
“I’m sorry, I haven’t even had the chance to ask you how are you doing?” she turns to look at me.
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“Daisuke is going to be here for the whole month, so please don’t hesitate to drop by and visit him any time you want. I’m going to stay here for Christmas and New Year, but I won’t be able to be here constantly. So it’d be great if his friends also visited him. It wouldn’t be this lonely for my poor boy.”
“Yes, of course.”
We manage to have small talk for a few minutes until Toshiya and Kaoru come back.
“Toshiya, dearest, have you eaten?” Die’s mother asks him.
“I just did” he says and takes a seat opposite Die’s mother. I watch with my wide eyes as Toshiya takes Die’s hand in his both hands again and starts caressing the back of Die’s hand with his thumb. Die’s eyes flutter sleepily and he closes them for a moment.
“I guess we’ll be going now” Kaoru says, still standing, but his eyes are also glued on Die’s and Toshiya’s hands linked together. The most amazing thing for me is that Die’s mother, even though obviously seeing this, doesn’t even say a thing and actually smiles at Toshiya kindly.
“Be sure to come back again” she says, looking at us sincerely.
“We will” Kaoru smiles. “Get well, Die.”
“Thanks” Die says, opening his eyes and looking at us for a moment. “Thanks for dropping by.”
“No problem!”
“Goodbye” I bow to the three of them and follow Kaoru out of the ward.
We walk in silence for some time until I can’t hold back my question any longer.
“Did you see how open they were about their relationship? I mean, Die’s mother was there!”
“Are they still together?” Kaoru asks.
“Aren’t they?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask Toshiya that. He was doing all the talking” Kaoru laughs. “But I got the impression they were…”
“I don’t know, I didn’t manage to ask Die that, even though I wanted to so bad.”
“Toshiya said Die’s mother has been treating him very well all the time. And he’s very happy about that. He said they both are already planning on how to treat Die’s drinking problem after his broken bones will heal. And as Die’s mother will soon have to go back home, she’ll leave all of that for Toshiya to coordinate and observe. So that’s why she’s been very friendly towards him.”
“But… hasn’t she seen them holding hands?”
“Maybe that was only a friendly gesture?”
I shrug. Whatever it was, I wish my parents were behaving themselves the same way Die’s mother did.
“If they’re still together, then I guess it’s good for them that they finally have been acknowledged by at least Die’s mother.”
I nod. Good for them.
“So? Do you want to go home now?”
I hesitate only for a moment and nod.
“I wanna be home with you for the rest of the day.”
Kaoru smiles gently and for a moment his fingers touch mine as if he wanted to hold hands with me, but at the last moment his fingers stop and he pulls his hand away.
“Then let’s go home, Kyo.”
I smile at him.
I now have him all to myself for the rest of the day.

--- the 31^st of December ---

I love small and quiet streets. Though even in this considerably small town streets are full of people today. I guess everyone’s either busy with preparation’s for the New Year or already looking for a nice cozy place to eat the last meal of the year. That’s exactly what we are now doing. Well, Kaoru is actually looking for such a place as he grew up here. I just follow him, waiting patiently until we will finally sit down to eat.
“Let’s try this place” Kaoru says, turning back to look at me. “They used to have very delicious soba in here.”
I nod. We enter the small traditional restaurant and to our great relief there still are some unoccupied places. We take our seats and order food.
“You know, I always loved this particular custom of eating soba on New Year’s eve.”
“Lately you seem to appreciate traditions more and more, Kyo” Kaoru chuckles and I just shrug.
“I like making myself occupied with completely normal things. I want my life to be as it used to. You know what I mean?”
Kaoru nods. And I know he knows too well what I mean.
The food arrives and we start eating in silence. I feel so tired. The time before New Year was so horribly busy – many meetings, many rehearsals, many shows. Now we have some days off and it’s good to know that there aren’t any pressing matters for some time. I really got tired from all of that.
“Are you OK, Kyo?” Kaoru suddenly asks and I get puzzled. Did I look worried to him? How does he always know?
“I’m OK… It’s just… Everything and nothing at the same time.”
“You did well, Kyo. I truly meant it when I said nobody even suspected you were freaking out before you had to go on stage. You managed to perform your best. You were totally great!”
I smile sheepishly at him. I’m not used to such praise.
“We’ve done only four lives so far, our very first four lives. And I’m still… I mean, I still can’t get used to that. My legs still feel like jelly when I have to go up on the stage every time.”
But I loved it. I didn’t know I’d feel so happy singing to the crowd again. For the first time in many years I felt like I was really where I belonged, that I was finally doing something meaningful, something I loved, something I was good at.
I’m just not sure everyone agrees I am any good at singing anymore.
“The criticism was… too harsh” I mumble, starring down at the bowl of soba in front of me.
“When they were ever favorable to us? When we still had Dir en grey, we also got much negative response. But that never stopped us in believing ourselves. Who knows where we’d now be if we never disbanded?”
“I hate it when they write shit about me. What difference is it for them that I’m half deaf in my left ear?”
“Kyo, you know they’d still find something else to write about. If not your ear, then it’d be something else.”
“Like my past, my insanity, my relationship to you or your trial? They already wrote on all of that all over again!”
Kaoru takes a long breath and looks at me.
“Kyo, you knew these topics were going to be talked about again because you came back to sing.”
“But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“It doesn’t. And I don’t like it either. But we started it already. Our single is out, we had our first shows, interviews, photoshoots and public appearances. Some of the people like you and some don’t. You can’t do anything about it.”
I keep eating in silence, not really wanting to talk more about this.
There were some pretty nasty articles about me. Some questions I don’t want to be answered were thrown into my face. But so far I let Kaoru do most of the talking and he’s so good at that. He can end every conversation very professionally and tactfully. If it was me, I’d have already asked most of the people to fuck off. But Kaoru isn’t like that, thankfully.
There were so many things to be done that I can’t even remember all of them right now. We had a lot of work. I had to get used to public attention again and learn to behave myself respectfully to the people I was talking to. But even as much as I try to be social, I was already labeled as a strange, unsocial and weird artist. Some magazine called me an ‘enigmatic singer, who was hard to talk to and even scary to approach, because his eyes were malicious and his whole posture screamed of how uncomfortable he felt while giving the interview’.
Not the nicest thing that was said about me.
But surprisingly comments like this only added popularity and interest in me for people. They seem to be attracted to my dark personality and mysteriousness.
Well whatever. I’m not about to make any image for myself. All I do is sing, write lyrics and appear for some photoshoots. Aside from the meetings with the management and paper work, I leave it for Kaoru to decide and do everything else. Of course I help him with anything he needs, but when it comes to people, I try to avoid it as much as I can. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m being called unsocial and withdrawn.
“I’m just afraid it won’t work” I finally manage to make myself admit it loudly. “We invested so much money, time and effort in this and if we’re going to fail…”
“Kyo, you’re getting popular and popular by every day! I have no doubts about the success of this first single! So at least for now there’s nothing really to worry about! The interest is much bigger than I have predicted. You’re going to be just fine!”
I look skeptically at him, but don’t say anything back.
I have my days when I think it’s pointless and we’re going to just fail and be laughed at. When I think nobody’s interested in the music, only in my past and the real relationship between me and Kaoru.
But then I have days when I love the music, love to go on stage and sing, love to be around Kaoru all day long and love working with him.
I just still don’t know if we’ll get popular enough to make money for living or if we’ll be a mediocre band earning something, but having to find an additional income as well. It’s still too early to say that.
“Hey, Kyo” Kaoru calls me gently and I look at him. “It’s our first day off, so let’s not worry about it, OK? We have just started, and whatever happens, will happen. We won’t back off anymore, so we either get famous or fail. And I really don’t think we’re that bad that we’d fail. I think your voice is too great to not attract any people’s hearts.”
I smile at him.
“I’m sorry… I should have more trust in you. You compose great songs, Kaoru. Perfect songs. And you’re a good manager. A perfect leader. I don’t ever see you failing at this.”
“So what’s the problem then?” he smiles.
“The problem is me” I say seriously to him. “My lack of faith in our success, my horrid nature when it comes to dealing with people and all other complexes and fears.”
“We’ll deal with all of that, you just have to stop worrying.”
I don’t manage to say anything else as my cell starts ringing. And when I see that it’s my mother calling, I feel less inclined to pick it up. But I have to.
“Hey, mom” I greet her, praying that the conversation wouldn’t end badly this time.
“Hi, dearest. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I’m now having dinner with Kaoru.”
“So you’re really not coming to celebrate New Year with us?”
I knew she was going to still try asking me to come.
“No, mom, I told you, I’m spending the night with Kaoru and his parents.”
She keeps silent for a moment, clearly not happy with this.
“I wanted to have the whole family at the dinner table and then go to shrine with both of my children and my first grandson. Tooru, why would you not come? You still have some time.”
“I told you already. If you don’t want Kaoru as well, then I’m not coming either.”
She keeps silent and I pray that she wouldn’t start arguing again. She’s been more patient with me after what happened this year and I thought I felt some change in her behavior towards Kaoru, but so far she’s never visited me or been around me and Kaoru, so I don’t know if I’m just imagining all of this change in my head. At least she stopped asking me to make Kaoru move out and leave me.
And she’s been very supportive of my career. As she said, a job is better than doing nothing at all. She’s happy I finally started to do something with my life again.
My farther is also content I started working again, but that’s as much as we talk now. I don’t know what to say to him most of the time and it’s not like he actually talks to me. I try to not even mention Kaoru’s name when I talk to my farther on the phone. The only time I did, he hung up on me. I really don’t want to lose him, so I try my best to be the son he wants. But I guess I must admit at least to myself that I am failing hard at this.
As long as Kaoru will be in my life, my farther will never look at me the same.
“OK, as you wish” she says and her voice sounds very displeased. “Bye!”
“Mom, I---” but she’s already hung up on me.
I put the phone on the table and look at Kaoru. He looks concerned.
“Maybe you really should have gone to spend New Year with your family this time?”
“I wanted to be with you.”
Kaoru doesn’t say anything to this, just lowers his eyes and proceeds eating.
I also wanted to really make sure Kaoru’s parents kept no grudge against me. After all, Kaoru was in police custody for so long just because of me. And just because of me he was almost shot. It’s really not surprising I wanted to suck up to his parents right now.
We finish our dinner in silence and then turn back to go to his parents’ house. The hustle in the streets and crowds irritate me a lot. But how do you escape that? Even in such a relatively small town there’re many people. I just have to learn to remember he is not among them anymore.
We get back to his parents house and just hang out in the living-room for the rest of the evening, waiting for Kaoru’s father to get back home. His mother is busy in the kitchen and we don’t disturb her.
I’m still not used to being here. I feel guilty in front of his parents. But Kaoru’s mother tries very hard to make me feel like at home, so it’s not that stressful for me.
I try to enjoy our day off and think of only good things.
Like the Christmas Eve.
If you spend it with your lover, it means the relationship is a very serious one. Or at least that’s what people tend to think.
Of course, me and Kaoru spent it together. We didn’t have much time as we were going to one of those music TV shows that had a special Christmas show. We talked a little (well, I said a couple of sentences and Kaoru did the rest of the talking) and then performed one song. When all was done, it was already almost 11 in the evening. So there wasn’t much left to do.
But Kaoru had a small surprise for me. He had booked a table in a restaurant for the whole evening, so that whenever we would come, it would be ready for us. I bet he paid a lot for this on Christmas Eve, but we had a great time.
I actually enjoyed sitting by the window with the view of the city below us, spreading all the way to the horizon, listening to live music and having a great dinner, just resting after the stressful day. I loved how candles lit Kaoru’s face in a warm yellow glow, and how his smile was so gentle and loving, and directed only at me.
If somebody would have seen us then, I’m sure there wouldn’t have been any more doubts as to what our relationship was really like.
That night we came back home when it was already dawning. On a whim, and because we had the morning free of any work, we went to the beach to watch the sea. It was cold and windy, but I still loved walking with Kaoru by the shore, with barely any people around us at that time of the night.
It’s been a long time since I had such a calm evening, so I loved every second of it. Even the seemingly romantic stroll by the sea.
With the TV on in a room I still don’t see and hear a thing – I’m deep in my thoughts. Only when Kaoru’s father finally comes back, I have to get back to reality. We dress up and later in the night go to the shrine together.
I’m trying my best to be invisible to Kaoru’s parents, so that they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with me around, but Kaoru’s mother is so kind to me that soon I relax and forget all my doubts and worries.
We go to the nearest shrine with what seems like the rest of the town. There’re a lot of people out tonight. But I keep close to Kaoru, so it doesn’t bother me that much tonight.
When we reach the shrine, we make our way to the stairs. There’s a white sheet covering the stairs as usual and there already are many coins and paper money lying on it. We edge closer to the stairs and take our places. I fish out from the pocket the coins and throw them on the stairs together with everyone else. Then I clap my hands and pray.
This year I pray for only one thing – I pray for Kaoru to be happy, healthy and lucky. I pray for him to succeed in everything he does. I pray for good health to his family and to my own. And then, on the very selfish note in the end, I pray for Kaoru to always be with me.
When I straighten up to look at him, I see Kaoru smiling at me, already done with his prayers. We leave his parents at the stairs for some time and head to find the shrine maidens selling fortune. Me and Kaoru shake the box with numbered bamboo sticks and the girl gives us our fortunes according to the numbers we got.
“Wow! I’ll be very lucky next year!” Kaoru laughs. “What about you, Kyo?”
I look at mine.
“Mine’s the middle – not very lucky, but not unlucky either.”
“It’s better this, than unlucky” Kaoru smiles. We tie our fortunes on the same branch of a tree and go to look for snacks. When finally the four of us get home, it’s already well past midnight.
Kaoru’s mother rushes all of us to the kitchen and we have some tea before going to sleep. My least favorite part is getting up early to watch the sunrise, but Kaoru said he always does that and he’s not about to skip this custom this year.
So I obediently nod and finish my tea. I excuse myself earlier than everyone else and go to bed leaving Kaoru and his parents in the kitchen.
Despite everything, today was a good day.

***
I’m not surprised when Kyo leaves before any of us to sleep. My dad follows him soon after leaving me and my mother in the kitchen alone. I still feel somewhat hungry, so she makes me a snack.
“This year has been very hard” she says, looking at me. “I prayed for the end of your hardships, dearest.”
“Thanks, mom” I smile to her.
“I wanted to ask you what it really is like with your new project with Kyo? Do you have much trouble?”
“Well… I would be very surprised and suspicious if there wasn’t any trouble. Of course there are… issues that we have to deal with, but so far it’s been good. And Kyo manages to deal with his problems and stage phobia quite well.”
“Do you think it will work? The new band?”
“I want it to work, but only time will tell how it will really be like. But so far we’re doing fine, so who knows. I just really hope we will succeed.”
“But what about your other job with that other band?”
I chuckle. It’s almost funny how my mother doesn’t know any band names other than the ones I was actually a part of.
“I’m still keeping that job. Though it’s getting harder and harder to find the time for both projects.”
And if the time issue will get worse, I will have to disappoint Yoshiki and his band.
“So you might say all is going well?”
“I guess so…”
My mom smiles and sips her tea, thinking about something.
“Kaoru, I know we didn’t really have the time to talk, but there was something I was meaning to tell you after that incident.”
I look at her, waiting for her to continue.
“After being in the trial and hearing your story of what exactly happened, I became so worried about you. You’re just like your father, Kaoru. He is very loyal and so are you. If once you committed to someone you love, you’ll give all you’ve got to that person. And it scares me a lot to know you’re ready to give even your life for Kyo if only it was needed.”
She looks me in the eyes and I see so much worry in them.
“But also I’m very proud. I’m so very proud of you.”
I smile at her, not really knowing what to say. She extends her hand over the table and gently puts her fingers over my wrist.
“I’ve raised an honorable and proud man.”
“I have my flaws, mother” I say, feeling a little ashamed because of all the praising.
“Everyone has their flaws” she smiles, agreeing. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
She squeezes my wrist with her fingers stronger and then lets go. I watch her already wrinkled hand disappear under the table and rest on her knees.
“Thank you for being so nice to Kyo” I say, feeling the need to voice my gratefulness.
“You don’t need to thank us for that” she says. “He’s nothing but a victim of a cruel fate. Life has treated him so bad. He is lucky only of one thing – that he has you, Kaoru.”
“You make me sound like a saint” I mumble.
“You’re not a saint, Kaoru!” she laughs, clearly amused by this thought. “But you have been loyal to him for so many years. I think that not everyone could have sacrificed everything for the person they… loved” she whispers the last word, still not really comfortable with it.
“I do love him” I say, feeling I need to make sure she really knows that.
“I can see that, but…”
I watch her, waiting for her to finish. But I can guess what exactly is still bothering her.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru, but it is still hard for me to imagine that particular aspect… I know perfectly well how a man loves a woman, but... I mean… I can understand the feelings itself, but to go beyond that… how can you possibly desire anything… more…”
This is not the kind of conversation I would like to have with my mother, but if that’s what’s bothering her, I guess I need to comply if I want her total support.
“Mom, you’ve seen Kyo back then, when we were visiting? Do you remember how he was like? He couldn’t do a thing on his own. Do you think after so much time of dressing him, washing and doing all the rest, his body is something that I would be repulsed at?”
She lowers her eyes for a moment, clearly feeling uncomfortable.
“I don’t mean him in particular, I mean…”
“Mom, I was always into men.”
To hell with it. I guess I needed to voice it out many years ago. And the way she’s been so supportive for us until now, I think I can test my luck and check her boundaries of tolerance.
She looks at me as if I forced her to swallow a bitter pill.
“I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t be praying into this part of your life, Kaoru. But it’s just that… this decision affects not only your personal matters, but it affects us as well.”
“I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head.
“I made my peace a long time ago. I’m not blind or stupid. I know what kind of relationship the two of you have in all aspects… But then there are relatives, friends, neighbors and now even press. When you released your new single people got interested in your personal life as well. They seek us out and ask question and I have to pretend I don’t have answers for them. I even had to lie at some point.
What I want to say is that I want to know if this is completely serious between the two of you. Only if it is, I can stand up for you when I myself would be sure that this is not just some whim of yours. Also, if Kyo was a woman, I would know where this is going – you would get married, have children and live a happy life. But now what do I tell? What is there in the future for the two of you? What kind of future can you possibly have?”
I look at her a little taken aback.
“We will just… be together.”
That’s the best answer I can give her. Or even myself. That’s my one and only plan – be with Kyo together, as long as we will be allowed.
“And is that enough for you? Is that truly all you ever wanted?”
“Mom, I… I’ve wanted Kyo since the day I met him…”
I didn’t know I could say things like that to my mother. I never thought I could. But now I feel like I have to be completely honest. She has accepted us, she and my farther together, they have accepted us. So I can only repay them with honesty. I’m not going to pretend me and Kyo are just close friends. Because we’re more than that.
“But for how long will it last?”
This question irritates me a lot. I want to say ‘forever’, but what the fuck do I know? Shit, this day’s been perfect. Why the hell she wants to screw it up in the end?
“What do you imagine you will be like in ten years? Twenty?”
“I imagine myself still working with Kyo, making music for him and with him, living together and just enjoying the life.”
“Is it what he also wants? For how long will he need you? Until you make him be popular again? Until he starts getting spoiled by the public attention and have admirers throwing themselves at him?”
“Stop this right now” I say to her, finally getting really irritated. “I have no doubts about him. And if we will ever separate, if that will ever happen, we will still remain friends for the rest of our lives. Or more like brothers or… just very very close, because we are. And I don’t know how to prove it to you. All I know is that I have no doubts myself.”
She studies my face for a second and smiles, accepting my explanation.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru. I’m just concerned.”
Well this is nothing new. She always worries about me.
“You worry too much, mother. Even over the good things.”
The moment the phrase slips out from my lips, I freeze and the next second I start laughing so loud and hard, I even have tears in my eyes. My mother now looks at me like I have finally gone crazy, trying to understand what was so funny about that.
When I finally calm down enough that I am finally able to speak, I take a deep breath.
“Sorry, sorry! I guess now I know why I’m such a control freak myself.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say about your mother” she says as if scolding, but when I look at her, I see her smiling at me playfully and I just smile back.
“Mom, maybe it’s sake taking control over me, but I guess I want to finally have it out in the open. I mean, if there’s anything else that’s bothering you, just tell me right now. I want to finally clear things up between us fully.”
She thinks for a moment, but then just smiles and caresses my cheek with her hand gently.
“No, Kaoru, dearest, I think it was all I wanted to say to you.”
She withdraws her hand and smiles wider.
“I’m really proud of you despite everything. And I’m happy you found your own happiness finally. Even if I can’t understand it to the fullest.”
There’s nothing more to add, I guess.
I finish eating my snack and excuse myself. There are not so many hours left before the sunrise and I’d really love to sleep until then.
I go upstairs to my room. Even though it’s dark in there, I don’t stumble upon anything. I know where all things are and easily make my way to the futon on the floor, strip from my clothes and lie down.
For some time I just lie there with my eyes open, listening to Kyo’s calm breathing just right next to me, on the futon near mine. My eyes get used to the darkness and I finally can make out the contours of Kyo’s body huddled up in the blanket.
“Kaoru?”
I flinch from unexpectedness.
“Yeah?”
I hear him shuffle as he turns around to face me.
“I didn’t know if I heard you coming back or if I dreamed it” Kyo mumbles, his voice laced with heavy sleep.
“You didn’t dream it” I chuckle, trying to make out his face in the darkness. “Sleep now, Kyo.”
He doesn’t move for a minute or so and I think he’s already fallen back to sleep, but then he suddenly extends his hand and gropes around blindly, looking for me. I extend my hand and catch his in the middle of the movement. He entwines our fingers and rests his hand on the futon now.
This sudden need of affection confuses me for a moment. But it’s lovely, a little unlike him, but heart-warming nonetheless.
It takes just a few moments for his grip to loosen up as he falls back to sleep again. I draw his hand carefully to my lips and kiss the back of his hand gently, then push it back to him.
“Goodnight, Kyo-kun” I whisper and finally close my eyes myself.
To fall asleep next to the greatest love of my life – next to Kyo in flesh and bones, alive and breathing, healthy and safe from all harm – and to wake up in the morning together with him, a little grumpy so early in the morning, but lovable nonetheless.
What a good way to start the new year.

TBC

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White Nights