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May All Be Pain or Love	By : Skwishee Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 5673 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
Author's Notes: I am SO sorry this took so goddamned long. I started a new job and time has been kind of elusive. Not to mention this chapter was just a bitch. I ended up writing 18 pages but decided to split it at page 12 with the coaxing of my beta so that the other half I can tweak a bit, but I guarantee you it'll be worth it. I'm so sorry if this chapter sucks...fillers kind of do.

Nothing lasts forever. Even pleasure fades. Have you ever noticed, though, that when it does there is a moment where everything stands still and the balance of the world is something you can judge. What is right, what is wrong, what you need and what you have are as understood as your own name. The only comparative that I can offer is that it's something like waking up after a rain as long and as heavy as a monsoon and that first look outside cannot be described. There is a new smell in the air, which in and of itself feels like it was just born. Air like you've never breathed before. Humidity makes bare skin tremble and the colors of the world come in highest clarity.

When the ecstasy left me the rain stopped. Not abruptly, but in a slow haze and logic dictated that I marvel at the coincidence. I opened my eyes and saw the gray sky through the leaves. At least it had been gray when I had first closed them, but now there was a dusky pink tinging the painted heaven which suddenly appeared more three dimensional. The tree curved against the sky and at the bottom of it was Kyo: tan skin almost a watercolored grey in the light overcast, eyes closed, mouth open, drenched blonde threads brushing bare nipples, heaving ribcage and inlaid golden scale.

My feet were planted on either side of his shoulders. The mud on them was drying out in places, dark bits of it flaking and falling against the rough bark of the maple trunk as Kyo shifted my weight in his lap. An insinuation. I knew the feeling as I’d often fidgeted as much when I was inside of Kyo. A debate between necessity and desire. Necessity, as a rule, often won, but it was a regrettable victory, because once you were disconnected the act was over and there was no other choice than to face reality with a newly lucid frame of reference.

I felt my haggard breath catch up to me as I lay blinking into the damp air and dripping canopy of green. Each drop of lingering rain was a word, simple and punctuated by the insensibility of a very long, very lofty fall. Different. This felt different, and it should have. I had never been here before. Never had the pleasure of looking upward before, to see the world from such an angle, body so sated it was slug-like. Better than I would have guessed, but now the world felt changed. This is how I judged it.

New smell. New view. New clarity. New feeling. Old lover. Old dissonance. Old trouble. Old love.

And maybe that was the problem. The old refused to be reborn, refused to change and the new had a problem meshing with it properly.

When the inevitable was consummate and Kyo ceased to fill me the world was there...in a storm of dreary color and sound and I was left to roll over so that I could press my face into the soaked kimono underneath me.

Kyo, now back from the meridian, busied himself kissing sloppy lines from my thighs to my shoulder blades and then laid down on my back, spent and satisfied and obviously unaware of the newness and the oldness clashing around us. If I had ever before doubted the authenticity of the moment I was bluntly reminded of it when his weight pressed my chest into the ground. Not that he was heavy, far from it, but he was heavy enough for the pressure to agitate the damage I had forgotten I possessed. Still, I took the pain quietly. Not because of pride or embarrassment. It was because I wanted him there, and if he didn’t realize, I wasn’t going to tell him.

“You were louder.” Whispered words in my hair provoked me to lean into the stream of breath that ceded itself on my neck.
“Hmm?”
“You said you would moan as loud as the hanyou...you were louder.” He repeated, this time against my ear so that I was sure to hear him.

I was having some trouble recalling a time that I blushed as badly as this. “Tell him then.” I said. “I want him to know that I’ve won.”

Just so he could make himself appear a little more intimidating Kyo raised up on his hands. “Is that why you were under me, for competition? Are we back to that now? Are you going to accuse me again? Because if you are I...”
There he was, just as I had left him, headstrong and swaggering. I attempted to glare at him but never got so much as past my shoulder. “I’m really glad to see you. I was wondering when you would go back to being surly.” I snorted.

Then a strange thing happened. He instantly calmed which was not at all what I had expected. Normally that type of comment would have earned an even rougher response and we’d have begun the tiring process of contending.
“Kyo?”
He laid down again and I forced myself not to recoil for the second time. I was sure the ground hadn’t been so unforgiving when I had been on my back.
“It’s not worth it.” He said to himself and I knew what he meant because I was thinking the same thing. The peace shouldn't have been disturbed. Each of his hands found their way around one of my arms. “I missed you...I...”
Love you. I wanted to hear him say, but I knew that he wasn’t going to. Just once I wanted him to say it because it would make things worthwhile. Little things like that don’t matter anymore, I convinced myself.
“I can’t believe we’re here.” He whispered desperately against my back. “I can’t believe we’re not dead.”

I was swept off my figurative feet by curiosity when I realized that I still didn’t know what had gone on at the house.

“Kyo...what happened at Miya-tei?”
“You mean after you...” He had trouble finishing the sentence. Either it still hurt him, the thought that he had almost lost me, or I was just being arrogant in assuming so.
“Exactly that.” I said.
“Közi came.”

For some reason I tensed at his name. I still felt betrayed. I was still mad over it. I thought I had every right to be, but I had decided somewhere in the last hour — in the small gaps between moaning when coherency wasn't a chore — that it was completely hopeless to carry on in that way. Thinking that way didn’t make the hurt lessen. I was sure it would have.

“About an hour after you disappeared he came to fight. It was easier after that, but it still took a long time. They had twice as many men, mostly mercenary I think. There’s not much to tell. They had no chance against the lot of us together.” He played with the grass that came over the sides of the kimono. It was ruined I saw but Kyo didn’t seem to care.
“What did you do?” I couldn’t help the way my voice sounded, the words just hissed out through my clenched teeth. I knew already that he had been mad...
His sharp whisper sent a shiver down my spine. “I sang a requiem.” And I knew without looking that his eyes were unfocused and cold, but there was a sense of pride in his voice that said ‘I brought them down. I am powerful.’
“Then they had no chance...” I observed.
“I’m sorry for that now.”
“No...you’re not.” I told him, knowing that Kyo's sense of vegence was absolute.
Kyo raised his voice.“You’re right, I’m not. They took something from me that was irreplaceable. I was going to turn them inside out until I was satisfied that I had given them their comeuppance.” He kissed the back of my neck and shivered. “This is a better end.”
“This isn’t an end.” I corrected.
His hollow laughter was an eerie reminder that this very well could have been. “No, you’re right. Not yet. We’re still here...it’s okay.”
“Kyo...” I began, but he interrupted me. I had only been meaning to reassure him.
“Be quiet...I don’t want to think about it anymore. All I’ve done for days is think about it, every detail, don’t make me do it anymore, Kaoru.”

I didn’t. I was curious, but I knew what it was like to obsess over detail until the thought of it makes you sick. So I stayed silent under the canopy.
All deafening quiet came, as the wind and the leaves fought for breaking rights above us.

“Let’s go home.” I told him after a few minutes of silence became too much to bear.
Agreeing, he rose and waited for me to do the same so that he could take his clothing from under me. Rolling over, however, brought a sudden wave of pain through me. This wasn’t from anything Kyo had done directly, or even from the apathetic earth that had been tormenting me. Isshi had told me to take it slow but I had been too excited...no...too aroused to follow his advice. I felt a little sheepish after the fact. With Kyo touching me I had nearly forgotten that there had ever been pain at all.
“Are you alright?” His hand lay on my shoulder and massaged gently.
“Not really, you’ll have to help me. I don’t think I can make it by myself just now.” And I wasn’t kidding. I knew that if I stood up now without support I would tumble right back to the ground.
Kyo stared at me before letting go of a frustrated sigh. "I had forgotten you were hurt. Maybe we shouldn't have done this..."
Kyo wrapped an arm around my waist for support and helped me to stand. Instantly I closed my eyes and moaned. I could feel the fluid he’d spent in me drip down the insides of my thighs.
“No...that feeling makes it worth it.” I tried to smile but it never came to fruition.

"Baka." he hissed at me.
I was leaned against a tree and when Kyo was sure the support was sufficient he dressed himself quickly then grabbed my own dirty clothes and worked them around me. When he moved me again I wasn’t entirely sure whether the dizziness I felt came from injury or orgasm. It was interesting either way at least.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was the first time in awhile that I had walked through that woods and been fairly happy about it. I don’t remember much about coming home, only the feeling of Kyo’s arm wrapped around my waist. We never said a word on the way. I wasn’t sure whether it was because we didn’t need to or if the ‘difference’ was really there and I wasn’t imagining it. It was all I could think about and I knew I had changed. It was one of two options I had been given. Change or Die. Change seemed a lot less harrowing.

But after the relief of seeing him again passed, after the arousal he'd instilled in me gorged itself with his fluids I was reminded that there was still a severity between us. Egresses, somber and heavy that didn't seem inclined to fade with either time or love. Underneath the moment and despite the bliss all encompasing there was the thought that I had done the wrong thing. I should never have touched him, because now I felt as though his emotional intensity had been meant as a bribe to buy my silence bearing on the affair. The worst of it was that I was worried it had worked. For then, at least, I wondered how long I could pretend.

I stopped thinking of it long enough to appreciate that it was nice to get indoors, away from the rain. The courtyard was almost flooded now, water inches deep and any traces of blood on the walks were gone, granite pristine. I was cold and soaking wet but I was too tired and preoccupied to do anything but stand just inside the door and shiver. Kyo ran his hands up my arms to try and warm me. That was different. Not being used to him acting so affectionate I didn’t know what to say to him or how to act so I just stood there and let him touch me a little worried that the trauma of my situation was catching up with me.

When he had taken my hand and lead me down the halls my mind had switched itself off and I didn’t know how to react to that either. Out there in the rain...with him I didn’t have to remember. Nothing else existed but dense isolation. I was free to be as quiet as I liked and as thoughtful as I liked without disruption. I was free to touch him and think only of my hands on his tan skin and the possible morally disturbing things I could do to his body to get it to squirm with rapture. In the house it was familiar and I was reminded of what I had done, what they had done, and that I was no longer as alive as I once had been. Subsisting only as a splinter, the man that I had been was dying somewhere inside the man that I felt myself becoming. Importance and priority born anew.

When my distraction had lessened I saw that I had lost a fair bit of time. I couldn’t remember walking with him from the front of the house to the center or if I had said anything to him on the way, but there I was somehow treading the threshold to his room. The only things I could recall were my own drifting thoughts and the tiredness that had crept up on me. It wasn’t only this. Since he had lifted my hand to pull me to my feet in the woods I felt like he had melted into another being and the hand that pulled at my wrist belonged to someone I didn’t know. It could have been though, that his hand was fine and it was mine that was changed. I could have been the stranger. It was plausible you see, because I was somehow unable to glorify him any longer, and that in itself felt very strange to me.

I was doing it again. I was staring at his hands and shutting off everything around me until I noticed the look on his face.

“Kaoru? Did you hear me?”
I shook my head to clear out some of the fuzziness. He took the gesture as a negative, which was just as well.
“You need to put on something dry and clean. Who knows what type of infections you could get with wounds that big..."
Wearily I looked up at him and saw that he was doing the same, sliding his ruined kimono off his body so that it fell in a sullied, blood-soaked, mud encrusted heap on the hardwood. I studied his nudity for a brief moment, following the curve of his body as it was presented to me, not admiring but studying incase it was the last time I saw it. His hair still fell over him in a long mess, blood and earth clung to the ends and he tried to brush some of it away in vain. Just now, though, he wasn’t concerned with it. He pushed it over his shoulder and pulled on a thin silk robe.

Coming back to myself a little I began to remove my own clothing with all the precision of an invalid. I was cold and my hands trembled. This didn’t feel real to me. I don’t know how else to say it. I took the robe he offered me with no thanks, no words and slipped into it without thinking anything more. I still shivered in place.

“You're still cold." He said, not a question but a statement and he ran his hands over me again. "Do you want hot tea?”

My face scrunched up on its own as though it were confused or offended or caught somewhere in between. I decided not to think about it and just nodded halfheartedly.

What was this tension between us now? Was there any reason for it? We were both alive, we both had each other. What could possibly matter outside of that? I decided that I should be happy so I smiled at him and it took him a little by surprise. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I thought the timing was bad.

When he opened the door to call for one of the servant girls he found Shinya staring at him instead.

“Kaoru! Kyo! So it is true.” Impassive as always, Shinya’s voice carried through the room as he entered.

“I thought Dai had been hallucinating when he woke me to tell me that he saw you. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it probably wasn’t true.” He smiled in that perfect way that he had and I felt a little better. “I’ve never been so happy to be proven wrong before.”

"Why would Dai have been hallucinating?" I wondered out loud. "He seemed fine to me, save for a few obvious injuries."
Shinya blew his bangs out of his face. "He's running a fever. I think because he was out most of the night in the rain."
"Doing what?"
"Looking for you and Kyo. He hadn't come home with either of you so when he told me this afternoon that you had been here I really thought he was losing his mind. I don't think with everything else I could have taken that as well."
"Thankfully, you won't have to. Where is he?"
"I put him to bed an hour ago, after he stopped raving about some demonic conspiracy against you. He was so worked up I thought he was going to pass out." He paused, again considering things Dai must have said to him. "What happened to you? We were told you were killed. I don't think the information ever really hit me. There was always something in the back of my mind that told me it wasn't true." That smile was there again, but this time it was sly. "I figured you would have either been too clever or too dull to get yourself caught."
"Too dull." I admitted with a smile. "I was drunk."
"That would have done it. Dai mentioned Hirota betraying you but his coherency was anything but understandable after that. Anyway, come and sit down and tell me everything."

So we settled in, Kyo sent for hot tea, which I really did want after all and I told Shinya what had happened, all that I could remember. That Hirota had betrayed me, that I had come to grips with myself in the shrine and that Isshi had saved my life. Fourty minutes later I was sitting in the room, drier, and certainly more at ease, watching Shinya drink his tea in the particular way he had. He set his cup down slowly. "I think I understand. Isshi wasn't interested in helping you but for the fact that Közi had convinced him that Kyo loved you..."
Kyo looked away and I focused on him for a second.
"...and he felt he owed it to Kyo to save you."
I sighed, returning my focus to Shinya. "More or less."
"I still can't imagine why Közi would have cared. Granted I've only met the man once and that was the night Ryozen and Miyamoto feuded. He didn't stay for very long. After I thanked him he left."
Perhaps wrinkling my nose wasn't the most polite of responses, but the expression was on my face so quickly I hardly felt it was worth the effort to take it back. "Why would you thank him? I can't even imagine..."
Shinya shrugged and poured me another cup of tea when he noticed I was playing with what little of it was left in my own cup. "He saved my life several times that night. I felt I owed it to him to be appreciative."
I coughed, the abruptness of the action causing the tea Shinya had just poured to slosh wildly out of my cup and splash onto the table. "Are you sure?!" I blurted out a little childishly. "It was more likely he was trying to bed you and happened to whisk you away from danger in the process."
Kyo growled at me, "Need I remind you he somehow managed to put both of our lives back together as well as helping clear up the fued you were fueling. Közi might not be the most laudable of men but he certainly isn't the most mercenary either. Actually he's surprisingly gracious for a kitsune. At least he's not jealous or territorial." He sent me a glare and I realized that it didn't scare me like it usually would have. For the first time in my life I sneered back at him.

"I never said that he was horrible or that I was ungrateful...to a certain extent." I stared into the now empty recesses of my cup and the puddle that was now on the table. "But I still maintain that most of this was his fault. He tricked me! He..."
Shinya shook his head. "You'd better stop there. You're certainly in no position to be casting blame on anyone. Anyway, I think you should thank him. It's certainly a more grown up move than carrying on with your dogmatic tantrums over him.” He prodded my arm with one of his extraordinarily long fingers. “You still haven’t answered my question, you know.”
“Which was?”
“Why would Közi be so keen on helping you? I thought you said you’d never met him before that day at Aomori.”
“I hadn’t.” I said, and wondered it myself. I still never figured that part out completely.
“He wasn’t helping Kaoru.” Kyo piped in, spurring us both to look at him. “I think he was helping me. He knew what would happen if I lost Kaoru.”
Shinya frowned, “Even so, you being friends, he still went out of his way to...”
“We are lovers.” Kyo said flatly before Shinya could finish and after a brief bout of silence Shinya's beautiful face contorted and flew into a rage.
"You mean 'were'." I said hastily, only able to focus on the tense of that sentence and what it could mean for me. Was he saying he had no intention of giving him up? Was he saying he'd just fuck us both? Shinya saw my face and his eyes darkened when Kyo ignored my comment.
“You can’t be serious!? For how long?”
I can honestly say I wasn’t prepared for the answer he gave. In fact I had expected for him to say ‘awhile’ and change the subject, but he didn’t.I really hoped he would have since I was still obsessing over his last comment. He simply said, “Four years.” And I knew I dropped my cup. I don't remember doing it, only that I heard it hit the table and my own startled gasp echoed in my ears.
Kyo watched me a moment, face as blank as I’d ever seen it.
“Kaoru..." Shinya looked at me, worry splashed all over his features.
“I can't do this...” I whispered, holding back the anger in my voice. It was pointless to get mad, I reminded myself. Nothing good could come from it. Be satisfied you have him at all. But that mantra wasn't working. I was going to leave and settle myself but Kyo had beat me to it. Yet when he rose from the table I mimicked the gesture without thinking.
"I’m going to go check on Dai." he announced. "I feel a little guilty for running off on him before, I should apologize. I'm sorry Shinya, I'll talk with you later."
The bastard was running away. I couldn't believe it.

Shinya grabbed my arm when I began to walk after Kyo. I don't know what I would have done to him if Shinya hadn't kept me."Sit back down, we're not finished."
I did, but I made a fuss over it, sighing loudly. "What more can I tell you?"

He sat in silence with his hand firmly planted on my forearm until he was sure Kyo was out of earshot.
“He doesn’t want to talk about it...does he?”
I shook my head. “I don’t care.”
“You’re lying.” He hissed. “You didn’t know...when he said he’d been with him for four years, you had no idea.”
“No.” Briefly I wondered if I had said it aloud or only thought it, but either way Shinya got his answer.
“I can’t believe him. Kaoru...you can’t pretend it's not happening.”
I drummed my fingers on the table. “Yes I can...that's what we're doing. I’ve been through too much to hold on to him, I can’t watch him leave.” But that wasn’t what I was feeling at all. I wanted to shove it down his throat until he was so ashamed of himself he couldn’t stand straight.
“You may have to. You’re trying to justify everything he did by being angry at Közi, but that’s not right at all. He’s a kitsune, his entire nature is to bide his time making sexual conquests. It's not personal, but Kyo? He knew what he was doing, and he knew if you found out it would hurt you and it seems like he doesn’t even care. He betrays you, he lies to you and there's been no remorse. Why aren’t you mad?”
The old table rocked angrily when I had hit it. “I am. I’m furious. You can’t even fathom how much it hurts knowing what I know and not just knowing, Shinya, I saw, I watched them. And I keep...I keep wondering if he was better, if I’m not as good as him."
"In what way?"
"In every way!" I almost shouted. "You saw him, Shin-chan. Even I couldn't stop staring at him." I wrung my hands in my hair and almost panicked at the length of it until I remembered that Isshi had cut it. "I am mad...I am...but being this angry won’t accomplish anything. I love him, Shinya. I know it sounds insane, but I love him enough that I am willing to try and forget it if it keeps him by my side.”
“That’s a lie.” He snapped. “He has no idea what it meant to you. And he’ll never give you the respect you want until you can be honest with him. Even the fox saw that, I thought you came away from all this having learned a lesson from the fox.”
“I did. But you can’t expect me to change over night.”
“Try.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kyo smiled when he saw me standing in the doorway, acting as if nothing he had said in the room had been anything to be concerned with. It wasn't just him. I was just as guilty when I returned the grin, accepting that I could pretend if he could.

According to Kyo, Dai was just fine. I was still skeptical, but after all the trauma we had gone through this week I thought I was entitled to a fair bit of paranoia. I watched from the doorway as Kyo ran his fingers through Dai's hair. The realization hit me that I was still extremely apprehensive and for a minute I stared gravely at his chest needing to see him take a long, deep breath and reassure me that this wasn't just the remains of my best friend and that Kyo wasn't worrying over a dead body.

"Breathe..." I whispered to myself, and willed it but his even breathing was so slight I couldn't see it through the dark.
"You're still worried aren't you?" The calm in Kyo's voice was comforting, but thinking back to what Shinya had told me I wondered how long it would last. I stepped into the room and made myself comfortable beside him.
"Terrified." I was afraid that somehow this whole ordeal had been a passing dream on the way to hell. But I was sure that hell wouldn't have had Kyo in it, or that if he spoke the voice I loved would have been mangled beyond all recognition, and I heard nothing but a calmly accented flow whenever he opened his mouth.
"I was too." He agreed. "He came so close out there."
"To?"
"Dying. I could have lost you both."
"What happened?" I asked timidly, worrying over his answer.
Kyo took a deep, steadying breath and sat back on his heels. I stared at the bottoms of his feet for lack of something pleasant to focus my attentions on. I thought absently that even his feet were beautiful.
"Honestly, I'm not sure. I was a bit preoccupied."
"He didn't tell you?"
The shake of his head was something I just barely noticed, but the shame that lead the host of emotions present on his face was obvious. "I didn't ask. I would have, but...I was involved in a lengthy discussion with myself considering..."
"Considering?" I prodded.
"Seppuku...Dai held me for awhile, trying to talk me down before I got tired of being babied and ran off."
"Kyo..." I closed my eyes. I couldn't deal with this. If I had been gone any longer I would have come back to find him dead. And I felt all the guiltier for being angry over Közi and the push to pretend only grew, but I wasn't sure if I could.
"I was going after you. Think of it that way, it seems more romantic..." A chortling laugh echoed through the silence and I looked up to see his crooked smile. If I hadn’t been so uneasy I would have melted at the sight of it. He had the best smile I had ever seen. "Isn't that disturbing, me acting the romantic? I must have been dreaming. I must have only just woken up because there is no way that I had thought that, or that you let me break you."
"Is it that ridiculous?" I wondered out loud.
"Doesn't it sound that way? Isn't it ridiculous to say that you came back from the dead and broke under me? It's impossible. Not you."

For lack of anything else to do I rubbed his back. At least that seemed to make him relax. "I can tell you from experience that the list of things I thought were impossible keeps getting shorter. I'm only here because of Isshi and a little because of Junji and before that day I would have said that what happened in that shrine was impossible."
I had said something wrong. I had to have because he stopped my hand and looked at me with narrowed eyes. "You never told me Junji was involved..."
“I didn’t think it was that important. Isshi was the one who..”
Kyo interrupted me.
"Now it makes sense. Now I know how you're sitting here, how it is possible. You don't have to tell me anything more." He looked at me and I thought I would die, the light in his eyes was glittering. "You have his shadow?"
"Yes..."
Kyo looked uncertain about how this information should be taken. Then he grabbed my hand and I couldn't concentrate on anything but his fingers. It wasn't a gesture he performed very often. "In that case...tread carefully. You picked the wrong kasha to take favors from. Not that I'm not grateful for his help."
“He picked me, Kyo. If that makes any difference.”
Kyo sighed. “It’s all the worse then. He’ll expect to be rewarded for his generosity.”
I scoffed. He had been about as generous as the arrow or the archer who had put it in me. “He did me no willing favors. I fought him and the shadow broke.”
The movement of Kyo’s hair made me realize he was subtly shaking his head in disbelief. He looked at me as though I were ignorant. “Who told you that?”
“Isshi.”
He made a noise I couldn’t describe and dropped my hand to rub his temples.
“What would he know? He doesn’t speak to that one. I know him, no creature could break anything from Junji unless he let them, not even Isshi. He’ll want payment, you realize. I just hope it’s not something valuable.”
“Like what?”
Kyo threw up his hands. “Life, death...service.”
“Service?” Sexual favors, I wondered. I wasn’t going to..
“Years as one of his ‘dolls’. I’m sure Isshi told you about his collection.”
“He’s not getting anything like that.”
The look in Kyo’s eyes told me he was close to slapping me. “Don’t be stupid, Kaoru. You owe him. You took something...personal...from an oni, a kasha even. Do you even know what that means!? The debt must be paid. You have no idea how much he can make you suffer.”

"Kyo, don't you dare speak to me like I..." I was interrupted by a voice from the hall.

“Shihan-sama!” Naoya was in the door frame looking a little shaken as he stared at the two of us. After a minute of shocked stuttering Kyo was impatient.
“Naoya, this is a private conversation.”
“Yes, my lord. Forgive me.” Naoya bowed apologetically to Kyo. “I’m only...surprised to see you. I was told Niikura-sama was dead and...a..and that you had followed him. I had thought this was the d-death of the house.”
I watched the stuttering man with a sharp interest. He didn't seem right, but I reasoned that nothing did. Why should he have been any different. “This house will never die.” I said lowly.
“Yes my lord, but you must admit...it looked very much that w...”
Kyo stopped him. “That’s enough Naoya. It’s over. I’ll thank you not to speak of it anymore till things are put back together again. There’s enough stress in this house without recalling more.”
“Yes, my lord.” Naoya whispered, but did not leave.
Kyo sighed loudly. “What is it?”
“Oh...I...” Naoya stammered again. “I came to ask Ando-sama for help. Hara-sama found several more bodies down by the wayside...he needed someone strong enough to help carry them to the pyre and all of our men are busy with their families or other parts of the house.”
Kyo ignored the inital question. “Pyre? But it’s still too wet isn’t it?”
“Uh..yes sir. We were only moving them tonight. We’ll send them off tomorrow if it’s drier.”
Kyo nodded and stood to leave. “Dai’s asleep, you’ll not be bothering him. I’ll do it myself.”
I had started to follow when Kyo threw his arm in front of me. “Not you. Stay.”
“I can help, Kyo.” I said.
“You’re not strong enough.” He replied and for some reason I felt insulted. I watched him leave with a heaviness in my chest I’d never felt before. Naoya looked at me strangely. "Ano...Niikura-sama...your grandmother is in the guestroom. She's pretty distraught, I'd suggest going to see her."
"I will." Was all I said. But I wasn't in the mood to leave just yet.

Deciding it was best to leave well enough alone I laid down beside Dai, slipping my arms around him, hands flat against his chest as though I were trying to press into it, just so I could feel him breathe. I needed to feel it. I had almost fallen asleep when I felt his hands come to cover mine and his deep, resounding laughter shook the both of us. He was playing with my fingers, studying every calloused fingerprint.
“What’s so funny?” I grumbled against his back.
“Did you find your way into the wrong bedroom again?” I could hear the smile in his voice.
I grinned and let him readjust himself so that he was looking at me. “I just needed to be here.”
“You didn’t find him, did you?” He sat up suddenly, face stricken and I had to yank him back down.
“I did. He’s outside.”
“Then why so hapless? “
I shrugged. “You’re the only thing that still feels familiar to me right now.”
He didn’t ask me what I meant.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence he looked at me funny. "Why are you wearing a kimono, and where the hell is your hair? How long have I been alseep?"
"A few hours I think. You didn't notice all this when I came earlier?" I mumbled into his pillow.
He shook his head. "I guess I was just too happy to see you. You realize you look like a poor ronin. You need a bath, you smell like stale sex."
“You’re probably right.” I admitted, but I laid there with him for a long while before I actually got up to do it.

The first thing I noticed as I walked through the halls was that the smell of sulfur absolutely permeated the air in the hallways. They were probably burning the dead outside...but then I remembered that it was still far too wet to start a fire. I was about to go and investigate when I was snatched aside and a pair of pliant lips made themselves busy devouring my mouth. There was no time to wonder what had happened, or where it was going. He simply felt incredible and then I didn't care anymore.
Kyo pulled me into my room, placing his hands on my chest and pushed me towards my futon without breaking the contact. The inside of his mouth was scorching. I moaned into the kiss before I realized that the sulfur smell was getting worse and then I knew my mistake. Pulling away I glared accusingly at the man that had been in my arms.
"Kaoru, what?"
“You’re reprehensible fox!” I growled. “How dare you masquerade in that body!”
The dark eyes before me flashed a startling red and a smile snuck on his face like a sunrise on a dreary, dark sky.
“I almost had you.” He said as he shed the skin he wore, growing several inches in height.
Now, instead of my master I stood witness to a similarly beautiful creature, and he watched me stutter and turn bright red as I realized his kimono was partly open and baring a very flat, soft stomach.
“You’re a bastard!” I hissed, coming down crosslegged on the mattress.
“I was only joking.”
“Then your sense of humor is profane.
“How dull of you to think so.” He sighed. “After all, I very nearly captured you.”
“I shudder to think of what you would have done to me if you had.”
“Nothing you wouldn’t have begged me for, I assure you. If you hadn’t have realized I wasn’t Kyo I would probably have had you writhing by now.” The horrible truth of it was that he was probably right. And my eyes were somehow glued to the nipple that brushed the parting kimono. I realized Közi was still talking to me.
“You have to be such a spoilsport, you know.”

“Mm.” When I noticed my small affirmation sounded like a pleased little moan (certainly not my preferred way of speaking to him. ) I tried to sound angry. “I only spoil your fun.”

“How rude of you. Especially so since i’ve made it a personal mission to make sure you have yours.” He kneeled in front on me and ran a teasing hand up my leg. “As i’m sure you were absolutely squirming when Kyo pushed himself into you this afternoon. That was fun wasn’t it? If I remember you were moaning like a jorou. I could have come you were so loud.”
My face was red, I knew it. “You were spying on me?!!” I hissed. Not that I had any right to accuse him...and had I just admitted to moaning like that?
“Of course not! It’s so rude to spy on people when they’re making love.” He cast a knowing glare at me, and I knew then that he had seen me watching them before. “I simply happen to know almost everything.” He leaned back and placed a foot on my chest. I could feel the heat through the flimsy silk and had to hold back all expression when he rubbed it over my nipple.With his warmth he was dizzying, the heat flaring inside my veins in a way I had never felt before. “For instance, I know you howl like a cat in heat...spread your legs like one too. I was really rather impressed. I don’t think I could even have looked that wanton.” He pursed his lips in thought and then teasingly spread his legs on the floor, his fiery hair cascading over his body and his red kimono, which wasn’t long enough to be called clothing at all and I was staring unabashedly. “Oh nevermind, I know I can.” He laughed.
“You’re such a ...” I was going to say ‘whore’ and he knew it, because suddenly his eyes darkened and the foot was back at my chest hovering dangerously close to the sealed hole and I could feel him smoldering. I was also suddenly aware that there were still very sore scratches on my face from the last time I said it. “Learn your lesson. Say it again and I’ll burn your skin off your bones and let Junji play with your corpse.”
The threat went over my head when I heard him mention Junji. “You know him?”
Közi removed his foot and crooked his head to the side. “Insanely well. He was really very surprised when I asked him to help you. And it did take a bit of heavy coaxing on my part. But make no mistake, if you insult me again I think he’d be more than happy to take back what he gave you.”
By all rights he infuriated me, but at the same time there was something so intense about his attitude it sent jolts straight through my groin. I was sure that wasn’t a good thing.
“So it was a favor?” I queried, ignoring the idle threats and the new heat in my lower regions.
“A very expensive one, mind you.” He replied. “We both expect a little gratuity, but that can come later, maybe once you’re more accustomed to having large objects inside you.”
I could have coughed up my lung, and I probably would have if he hadn’t smiled brilliantly and said, “Oh look at you, you can’t even take a joke. I feel sorry for you again. How did you manage that?”
“You tried to kill me you realize. I can't understand why I’m even talking to you.” I narrowed my eyes at him, hoping I looked angry enough to startle him but I doubted it.

“Che...Try nothing, Kaoru. I did kill you. Silly that I had to go that far to make you see things better. But look, I’ve almost cured you of your ignorance. I. am. a .genius.” He held up his hands, “I don’t expect you to agree right away, but give it time. You’ll see that I am and then we can be friends.”

“Would the world worked in such strange ways.” I looked toward the voice and saw that Kyo was standing at the door, arms crossed. “What are you doing here?” He asked Közi, who grinned lecherously and crossed his legs, which from my vantage gave me an excellent view of the curve of his hips.
“I was playing with your property again.” Kyo frowned and Közi’s smile died down a bit.
“Haven’t I told you not to do that?”
“He was playing with me too. He was telling me how much he loved having you up his ass, Shihan-sama.”
I was sure I blushed right down to my toes. But for pride's sake I sent an angry glare to Közi.
Kyo paled, but refrained from a nasty (and potentially embarrassing) retort. “I’m sorry I interrupted then.”
“You’re not afraid he’ll run off with me? He likes me you know. I can tell because he's hard.” Közi tried to run his hands across my thigh for emphasis but I had grabbed his wrists.
“He’s not going anywhere. He knows better than to let you touch him.”
Kyo had a way of dashing a man’s pride that would make any cantankerous old man instantly jealous. Anyway, I didn’t like it. I felt belittled so I removed my hand and let Közi grab my inner thighs, which was probably a mistake because I could feel a surge of blood instantly beginning to course in a wayward direction pushing the semi-hardness hidden by my kimono to fill even more. His touch was intoxicating when it was skin on skin.
“I don't know, Kyo, he is very persuasive. It would make us even after all."
Kyo tried to keep his eyes in his head as best as he could. “Oh no.” He growled. “That isn’t how this works.”
When Közi’s hand snuck under my kimono I almost yelped and dashed from the room. Almost...and my eyes fluttered when he stroked over me once before I noticed Kyo's face was absolutely irate.
“He's right, little dragon. It’s only fair. You can have him back when I’m done bringing him to balance with your transgressions.” Közi cooed. "That does imply several long nights, though. But he seems up for it."
In all honesty...I couldn’t take my eyes off Közi’s hands. I felt bad, especially since Kyo was standing right there. His fingers were so warm...But I didn’t have time to stare, Kyo had grabbed my hand and ripped me away from Közi. Did I ever mention that Kyo was enormously strong? His grip on my wrist was so tight I thought my bones would snap. He growled at me, “You! Come with me! And you...” He glared at Közi. "Touch him without my permission again and you’ll be pulling back bloody stumps.” I was suddenly fascinated by Kyo’s ability to be a tyrannical overlord, though it did make me feel as emasculated as a twelve year old girl.

“Közi...thank you.” I purred out, half genuine, half sarcastic, and Közi understood because he looked genuinely touched. Suddenly I remembered I was being pulled down the hall and that Kyo was still attached to the part of my forearm that was slowly creeping with pain. Finally he shocked me by throwing me against a wooden beam and he scowled. “Why did you let him touch you?!” He demanded in a voice dripping with disdain.
No. I wasn’t going to do this with him. This hypocritical outburst was too much and I decided then that Shinya must have been right. This wasn’t about me being jealous anymore, I was over that. It was about him being unconcerned with how I felt about it.

“You don’t get to accuse me of anything Kyo. You lost that right.” I beamed, proud that for once I had taken a real stand against him.
“Answer my question.” He roared.
“You insulted me. Acting like I was your pet.” I lowered my voice incase any eavesdroppers were around. “Just because you fucked me does not mean that I’m prepared to be your obedient little dog.”
"You always acted like one." he spat.
Enraged I pushed myself away from him. The strain in my arms shooting more pain into my chest and I had to take a deep breath to recompose myself. "Not anymore. You made it clear I didn't have any say over what you did, and I'm not about to give you the satisfaction of owning me if you can't sacrifice your freedom too." I poked a finger into his chest and he glared at me, clearly stunned that I would even dare. "It took a lot for me to let you do what you did to me earlier, but I'm making the effort because I love you, because I know that I have to bend a little for you to stay with me. Shinya was right about one thing, I did learn something from Közi. Love isn't bowing down in subservience, it's compromise. I tried being your servant, I would do anything for you, you realize, but that wasn't enough for you. I wasn't enough for you." I stormed off down the hall, turning only once to look at his stunned form. "I'm not going to do it again. I'm done."

Not again. This wasn't happening again. Why couldn't we just be sane?

I decided that there was only one person I could find comfort in...

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PLEASE review No more chapters till I see some encouragement. I can't believe people are still reading this thing anyway...>_> To those that are, I LOVE YOU! Thank you so much! <333
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May All Be Pain or Love