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White Nights	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1457 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
Author comment: Finally the day when I have to let go has come. The last chapter :) I really hope the sequel lived up to everyone’s expectations. I enjoyed writing it, so it’d be great if I wasn’t the only one loving this so much ^^ Hope you’ll love the ending – I did XD Leppgirl, Kimane and Just_MET - thanks for all your comments <3 I always enjoyed reading them ^^
So… now to the last chapter…

--- the 2^nd of August 2011 ---

The excitement still lingers in me when I drop the mic and after starring at the crowd for just two more seconds go off the stage into the darkness of the backstage. People make way for me to go by. Somebody extends me a towel in their hands and wordlessly I take it, putting it over my head. I’m all sweaty, hot and tired. My throat aches as always after an intense live. But I feel great.
It’s been a long time since I enjoyed singing so much. We had a long break in the studio, recording an album and this first concert after a break feels so fucking great. I sang for myself, sang starring at nothing, concentrating only on how I felt and how I wanted to be like, how I wanted my voice to sound like.
And I think I nailed it. For once I feel fulfilled and happy after a show, even if I’m exhausted and my throat feels sore.
I go all he way back to the changing room and fall down on the ground in the corner where there would be less chance for somebody to see me right away. I sit there for some time, simply trying to catch my breath and to make my racing heart slow down.
“Here you are” I hear Kaoru’s husky voice unexpectedly and lift my head to look at him. I didn’t hear how he came in.
He slumps down next to me tiredly and smiles.
“You seemed to enjoy yourself as never before” he smiles a little, looking me in the eyes.
“I did…” I push back my head until I feel the back of it rest on the wall and stare at the ceiling. “Even God himself came down to watch me perform and listen to my voice.”
Silence follows this statement and after another moment I glance at Kaoru. His expression is a mixture of confusion and amusement. I smirk at him.
“Just keep up the good work, Kyo” Kaoru finally says. “You were amazing tonight.”
“You too.”
He smiles more and we sit in silence. There’s always not much time to rest after each show. We can only do that when we finally get back to hotel or home. There’s one more show tomorrow, so this time we’re heading for hotel.
Suddenly I hear somebody clear his throat and we both turn to look at the direction of the door. Ru-chan is standing there, looking a little uncertain.
As soon as Kaoru sees him, his face hardens a little and he stands up heavily, suddenly looking very tired.
“I’ll go for a moment. I’ve got some last things to do” he announces. I nod and he leaves. I also stand up and go to sit on a chair.
“So, was it worth it to come to Kyoto for tonight?” I ask Ru-chan, who takes a seat next to me.
“Definitely!” he laughs. “You were great, Kyo! The best! Even better than you used to be! Your voice is wonderful!”
I smile shyly, not knowing what to say back to all the praise.
“Thank you so much for inviting me and getting me this VIP access!”
“You know I didn’t mind” I smile at him and lean on the table. “It’s great that you could come. I haven’t seen you for so long.”
“Yeah…”
I rest for a moment and Ru-chan lets me catch my breath as I’m still so flushed.
I have invited him to see the live and later go out with us, have dinner and some drinks. It’s great seeing him after so much time.
“Kaoru-san isn’t thrilled to see me…” he says silently.
“He’s not against you, he’s just…”
I should say still jealous, but there’s nothing to be jealous about. Not anymore.
“He doesn’t like to share me, even with my friends. Or actually, with my only friend” I can’t help but laugh. “He’s a little too overprotective, so just don’t mind him, OK?”
Ru-chan smiles at me.
I’m happy I managed to help him forget his problems if only for this one evening. And I missed him a lot. And if Kaoru still thinks he needs to be jealous, then it’s his problem he’s this stupid.
“I’ll go change now, OK?” I stand up, finally feeling like I can make myself move again. “We’ll be able to go out in an hour or so.”
“OK” Ru-chan smiles at me. “I’ll wait here.”
I take my clothes and head for the shower.
I’m a little nervous of spending an evening with the two of them, but I hope my Kaoru is really civil and sane enough not to make unnecessary drama. I’d love it if they could be friendly with each other.
Because apart from my ex-band mates, Ru-chan is the only friend I’ve now got.

--- the 4^th of August 2011 ---

I hear the water start running in a shower and close my eyes for a moment. I feel dizzy and tired, but wide awake for some reason. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling now. The hotel’s bed feels too soft for some reason, but I lie there stiff, not moving, starring at white ceiling.
It’s already past 2 A.M. We’ll have to get up early and head to see my mother. Her sudden need to see me makes me somewhat nervous. Especially when she said to bring Kaoru along. We stayed in hotel for one more night just because of her. I hope she just wants to see me and knows I won’t come unless Kaoru will be allowed to come as well.
Kaoru looked so gorgeous tonight. Like a real rock star. Sometimes it still amazes me how fresh and handsome he looks to me, even if I already know him inside out. I don’t know if it’s humanly possible to love somebody more than I love Kaoru, to depend on somebody even more than I depend on him.
Perhaps only mothers love their children deeper.
Me and Kaoru – we’re right after them.
What a weird mood I am in…
It’s just that… I need him so much and I can’t even think of losing him.
Did Kaoru love me this much already when he confessed his feelings to me after the concert? Then when I was gone, when I had been started to be considered as dead, what the hell he must have felt then? How did he bear it?
A shiver runs down my spine.
I can’t imagine myself in his place. I’d be devastated if Kaoru went missing for so long.
It’s scary how much he loves me…
How could he possibly still desire me after I told him what I had been forced to go through? I would have been repulsed to have sex with a person who’s been fucked inside out by some psycho and by… by…
How can he say he wants me this much?
I was nothing more than a mental patient, sitting in my own excrements and literary doing nothing the entire day. What part of that did he love?
The water stops running in a shower and I turn my head slowly to look at the direction of the bathroom.
Suddenly a desire strikes me and I jump up and run to the bathroom, open the doors widely and catch Kaoru by surprise standing naked and drying his hair with a towel. He jumps very slightly from unexpectedness, but then rewards me with a smile.
“Need to use the toilet this badly?” he chuckles, looking at me. I shake my head.
“No. I just wanted to see you naked.”
By all means, I have no idea why on earth he blushed after hearing that. Even if it was the slightest of all blushes, it still crept on his face. Kaoru stared at me for a second and I could see how he became somewhat self-conscious. He turned to the side a little, half-hiding his penis from my sight.
“Why’s that?” he asks, lowering his hands and putting a towel around his waist now.
I just go up to him, take the towel away and unceremoniously drop it on the floor, exposing him to my eyes again. I look him over, from his wet hair, his small neck, wide muscular chest, his belly and his hips, his cock and his legs, and wet feet. Then my eyes go up again, but stop in the middle, at the part that gives me pleasure so often.
It’s all so familiar to me. I love this part of his body, but I also hate it sometimes. I can never look at him without for a moment seeing that other sickening dick in front of my eyes.
Sadly, they both were somewhat similar in size, width and length.
Believe me, I know that too well. I’ve spent hours at caressing and fondling Kaoru between my fingers, but I have also spent countless of hours being forced to touch that other hairy piece of red meat and skin with the same arms.
It took me some time to get used to Kaoru fully and be comfortable with him. With all of him.
“What’s wrong, Kyo?” I hear Kaoru’s voice. “You’re being weird.”
I finally look up at him, at his eyes. They’re always so gentle when they are directed at me. And that makes the whole difference.
I step closer to him and lean on him, putting my weight on Kaoru’s chest. I feel his hands go round my shoulders as he hugs me lightly.
“What’s wrong, Kyo-kun?”
I don’t know where all of this anxiety is coming from and why all of a sudden I feel that. But I don’t feel like talking right now and telling him anything. I only want to feel loved. To feel his body over mine. I need it so much.
I push myself fully to him and rub my hips on him slightly, but it’s all it takes for Kaoru to feel that I’ve got the beginning of a boner in my pants.
“Please, do something about it” I murmur, feeling so desperate for his touch.
Kaoru doesn’t say anything, but pushes me away from himself and starts to undress me. I should have taken a shower first. I’m sweating like a pig, I stink of cigarettes from the bar and cheap vodka.
The moment I step from my boxers, Kaoru pushes me against the wall, but I get away from his grip and get in the shower cabin and turn the water on. It hits me and I immediately feel my head get clearer, my mind free.
Kaoru steps back in the shower again and puts his hands on my chest, then slowly rubs them on my skin everywhere, washing away the sweat from my body with water. I close my eyes and lean on the wall behind me. I feel Kaoru’s hands everywhere, until they slowly reach their destination, carefully wrap around my penis and start pumping me.
I open my eyes and look down.
Kaoru is kneeling in front of me, one of his hands at the base of my cock, other one enclosing the length, stroking it, but his eyes are watching my face intently.
“Please, Kaoru…” I whisper, I want it so bad. “Please…”
He lowers his head and I feel his lips on the head of my penis, the tongue slowly tracing circles around it, until slowly he engulfs all of me with his mouth.
My hands find their way in his hair and I grip the strands tightly, for a moment forgetting that it might be painful for him. I buck up to meet his mouth, I control the rhythm of his movements with my hands on his head, but refuse to close my eyes.
How many times I was in this position instead – kneeling, naked, beaten up, sore and hurt, taking filthy ugly piece of meat in my mouth, being forced to swallow the cum I hated so much, feeling the eyes on me and knowing there was nothing I could do.
How I hated that. To the very core of my heart I hated that.
I hated sex on the whole. Hated being naked and looked at, hated being forced to suck on that hairy distorted piece of pink meat wrapped in the wrinkly old skin, oozing with sickening sour cum, hated to be forced to lie down and not to object when my legs would be spread, when all that I should have been able to show only on my free will exposed to the eyes of a degenerated scum, hated to be torn apart while fucked, fucked against my will so many times that number became irrelevant, fucked mercilessly, forcefully, without any protection, any lube, any preparation, any desire, with no need building up inside me, just a flat cock bouncing up and down with each pounding thrust I had to take.
How did I ever manage to come to enjoy all of that over again?
I tighten my hold on Kaoru’s hair, almost pulling it out and my hands clench into fists.
My hips thrust forward on their own accord and I hear Kaoru gag, he coughs for a second, but I don’t let him pull back. One of his hands now descends on my hip, right on the tiger as he tries to balance the force of my thrusts.
I don’t let him go. He stops gagging and quickens the pace, hardens his hold on me and the whole deal becomes much rougher.
I watch him getting me off, but when I feel the orgasm coming, I can’t help but close my eyes. My whole body numbs for a second, a shiver runs through me, shaking my whole body, making my mind blanc for those blissful few seconds. I grip Kaoru’s hair in my fist and thrust his face forward, making him swallow all of me, his nose hits the skin over my cock and buries itself in my pubic hair.
I think I hear him gag and cough and struggle with the sudden invasion, but for a moment I just don’t care. My whole penis is in his mouth, I feel the head hitting his throat somewhere deep inside and it gets me off even harder. His teeth are just over the base, his tongue wriggling and struggling underneath, adding more sensations with its pathetic attempts to help swallow.
One second.
Two seconds.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six…
I open my eyes slowly and blink confusedly, the water running from the shower irritating me for the first time.
My grip on Kaoru’s head loosens up and as soon as he feels that, he pushes my hands away and releases my dick from his mouth. He sits back and spits the cum on the tiles of the shower. He does a shitty job of it as some of the cum gets stuck to the corner of his mouth. There’s still some of it left on the head of my penis as well.
I draw my hands back and support myself by putting them on the wall, still finding hard to breathe normally. I slowly slide down and sit as well, finally feeling really exhausted and tired.
Silence.
I lift my eyes and look at Kaoru now. He’s looking back at me. I lift my hand lazily and wipe the remains of my cum from his mouth. He catches my hand when I want to lower it again and draws it to his lips, kisses my fingers one by one and doesn’t let go even after that.
“I thought you were through that already” he says, his voice sounding silent and a little upset.
“I’m sorry.”
I lower my eyes and want to take my hand from his, but he doesn’t let go. Instead, he takes my hand by wrist and forces me to lean into him, embracing me. I put my head on his chest, but don’t dare to circle my arms around him.
He does that instead of me and there’s no way to escape. I’m in his embrace fully.
“I thought it won’t be like that again… it’s been almost four months already…”
“I’m sorry…” I can only repeat again. I truly feel sorry.
Kaoru sighs and kisses me on the head. I feel water falling on my legs and ass, washing away the remaining evidence of the violent intercourse that just took place.
“Kyo…” he says and his voice is heavy with emotions. “It doesn’t matter… I understand…”
He doesn’t say anything more. And I’m glad he doesn’t.
I don’t know how much time passes, but I just feel him suddenly helping me up.
I scrub myself half-heartedly and dry my red from hot water skin with the towel.
When we lie down, he turns off the light.
I don’t dare to touch him, but as if knowing that Kaoru himself takes me in his arms again and kisses my lips gently, somehow finding them in the dark.
“Goodnight, Kyo.”
I close my eyes, keeping my lips tight and shut.
His warm body feels wonderful against me.
Kaoru.
I wish you knew how much I love you.
I wish you knew just how much I really came to love you.

***
We step inside and take our shoes off. She watches us in silence and when we’re done, leads us to the kitchen. We sit at the table and she puts on a kettle.
“Tear or coffee?” she asks.
“Coffee” Kyo says.
“For me coffee as well.”
She silently takes out three cups and pours sugar in them.
“You look very tired” she says.
“We just had two concerts in a row, mom, we are tired.”
“Well I won’t keep you long, just for an hour or so and you can go back home.”
She finally turns to us and smiles a little.
“Tooru, dearest, could you run to the store for some fresh buns with jam? Please? I didn’t have time to do that myself.”
He glances hesitantly at me, then at her, but stands up nonetheless. I feel like it’s déjà vu all over again. And it leaves me a little uncomfortable. But Kyo stands up and leaves. And his mother, as I have guessed, turns to look at me.
She takes a place at the table in front of me and looks me in the eyes.
“I wanted to talk to you in private.”
I nod. I already figured out that much.
“First of all, I wanted to thank you for saving Tooru. I am really grateful. If not for you, he’d now be gone again and perhaps never coming back this time.”
I look at her baffled, but manage to utter a silent grunt in approval.
“I do love my son, I don’t want you to think any other way. Just because I didn’t take him home when he was found back then, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.”
I keep silent. I try to understand why would she feel she needs to justify her actions before me right now, after so much time.
“Though there was a reason why I allowed him to be left in the mental institution instead of taking him back home with myself. And that reason is my husband.”
I stare at her, completely lost, but very curious all of a sudden.
“My husband didn’t let me – that’s the only reason there was. Of course, I had a job, but I was ready to quit and stay home with my son, but my husband didn’t want to hear anything about it. He didn’t want to see Tooru – the way he was back then – at home. He said if he was in doctor’s supervision and care, he was better of there, than at home.”
She stops for a moment and intertwines her fingers, wringing her hands nervously.
“I couldn’t object to that, though I’ve tried… But he was unmovable on that decision. He didn’t want a son like that in his house…”
She clears her throat and looks me in the eyes now.
“The only reason I agreed to let you take him home with yourself was that I thought Tooru would be better with someone, even if it was only a friend, than with strangers, where they nurses or not. I though he’d be taken care of better, he’d be constantly around someone who cared about him and I thought that this might do him more good that the institution.
Now nobody would tell us if Tooru would have recovered if he was still staying in the institution or not. But I certainly didn’t expect that your intentions were… different… It’s very hard for me, as a mother, to think what you might have done to him when he wasn’t able to defend himself…”
“What do you mean by that?”
She still manages to insult me, even if she started with thanking me for once.
“Aren’t you attracted to my son physically?” she challenges me, starring me right in the eyes.
“Yes, I am. But never, never in the whole time while he was not like himself back then, did I so much as touched him inappropriately!”
I stand up, not willing to listen to more of this bullshit.
“Sit down, Niikura-san” she says calmly and I freeze, but still am ready to get out of the kitchen if needed.
“I believe your word. Sit down and don’t cause drama here.”
I snort angrily, but still sit down.
“I was in the court after all. You saved Tooru’s life, risking yours… and risking to get sentenced to jail… I don’t need any more proof of your loyalty to my son.”
Alleluia! Finally! Took her quite long!
“But it doesn’t mean I have to like you. Still, I have asked you two to come here today for a reason. Tooru’s farther is away for the day, so he won’t come and see you here. That would definitely be the final blow to his and Tooru’s relationship.
What I wanted to tell you more is that I don’t appreciate that you keep him away from his family during the holidays. His farther was very angry that Tooru didn’t come to spend New Year with us.”
“I didn’t force him not to come, it was his choice.”
“It doesn’t matter. You had to persuade him and make him come!”
“If he doesn’t want to, then he doesn’t have to!”
“You are this old and still so foolish!” she sneers angrily at me. “My husband is very displeased with Tooru and they have now a very edgy relationship. If something happens that will cause them to drift apart forever, I will never be able to die peacefully. My husband is very disappointed with his son, with the way of life he chose, and even on the smallest reason he will exclude him from his testament.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise.
“He will leave nothing to Tooru. If they will stop talking for good and if it so happens that I will be the one to die first, Tooru will get nothing. I know he started earning money again and maybe he would not need anything at all, but… But my heart breaks at thinking he’d be forever banned from our family, that all that I have created throughout my life will only be left for one of my children.
All I ask is some understanding from you. My husband will not ever accept what you two have and you have to learn to live with that. It’s you two who have to adjust to my husband’s needs and wishes. He is willing to see Tooru and to talk to him, but only him alone. So let them! Let them have this relationship, even if it’s tense now. It will get better with time!
My husband is determined to ignore the fact that Tooru wants to be with you and it’s a huge step for him! But the more Tooru will try fighting his father’s need to ignore you, the less inclined my husband will be to see his son at all! And it means I won’t be seeing him as well.”
For the first time since I first met her, I felt for her. She still hated me, but at the same time she was so dependant on me now.
“They’re almost on good terms, but if there’s going to be even a little disagreement again, it’s going to have fatal consequences… Though Tooru already is trying to adjust so much to his farther than I ever thought possible…”
“I never wanted him to get separated from his family” I finally say, looking at her. “I promise, I’ll do all I can to help him get back on good terms with his farther. I know it would make him happy.”
“Thank you” she says, and for the first time I am completely sure she is being sincere and honest with me. I guess it’s the first time ever she’s shown me some kindness.
“And what about your parents?” she asks. “How do they treat Tooru?”
“They’re great to him” I reassure her. “After what has happened they started treating him like their own son.”
And this makes me feel so happy and proud. At least my parents have finally accepted our relationship and the fact that it’s not going to end.
Kyo’s mother sighs and looks down at the table. She seems to me very tired and defeated. For the first time ever I feel sorry for her. She’s just a mother, trying to take care of her son the only way she knows. She does what she thinks is right.
“I just wish everything would be as it used to… I’m so afraid to lose him. It only takes a little wrong word or phrase and my husband will forbid Tooru to put his feet in this house.”
“But why should you obey him? If you want to see your son, then you see him! It’s as simple as that!”
She shakes her head slowly and looks up at me.
“You wouldn’t understand anyway, even if I tried to explain you.”
She falls silent as we suddenly hear Kyo enter the house and soon see him step into the kitchen. He eyes both of us worriedly, trying to estimate the situation and catch his breath at the same time. He’s red in the face. I guess he really tried to make it as short for me as possible by running to the store.
His mother stands up and smiles at him.
“You took so long” she scolds him and takes the bag of buns from his hand. “Thank you, dearest. Go sit down now.”
Kyo takes a seat next to me and looks at me questioningly. I just smile at him slightly and he relaxes, understanding that there’s no immediate problem and that me and his mother managed to be in the same room without biting our heads off.
I wanted to ask her some more questions, but I guess for now I should be satisfied. She thanked me. She acknowledged me and it was something I wanted for a long time.
We have our coffee with buns and soon me and Kyo stand up to leave. We have to go back to Tokyo and immediately dive back into work.
When they say their goodbyes, she hugs him and kisses him on the forehead gently, and I can’t help but feel happy for Kyo.
And when she smiles slightly at me and hands me the remaining buns for the journey, I feel like there was some hope for us.
Maybe with a lot of time and patience it would get better.
Maybe my and Kyo’s mothers relationship would get not only bearable, but even somewhat friendly.

--- July, 2012 ---

The bags in my hands feel heavy and hit my legs with every hurried step I take. I keep my head bowed down and hurry after Kaoru, already feeling the rain running down from my head to my chin. In a couple of minutes we’re both soaking wet.
Kaoru opens the trunk and we dump bags full of food in there. As soon as my hands are free, I run for the driver’s seat and finally get inside, away from the horrid rain falling in torrents. Few seconds after Kaoru also gets in the car and closes the door.
“That was so unexpected” he laughs, wiping the rainwater from his face with the back of his hand.
“Yeah…”
I take a few moments to catch my breath and look for some little rag or tissues to wipe my face with. My hair is wet as if I just went out of the shower, my t-shirt also has soaked through. I think I’ll need to get a hot shower after we’ll come back home.
I start the engine and slowly get going. It’s raining so heavily that I can barely see a thing, so I drive rather slowly.
Kaoru next to me makes himself comfortable and yawns.
“Man, I’m so fucking tired.”
“I’d be surprised if you weren’t. You barely slept this week.”
“Huh… yeah… At least now I’ll have more time and be able to concentrate on our music fully.”
I keep silent for a moment, watching the car in front of me stop at red light.
“Are you going to tell me what exactly happened?” I demand. Kaoru wanted to quit writing music for Yoshiki’s band for a long time now, but it never really happened and he never really could. But then, a week ago, he came back from that job totally furious and said he was finally done with those fuckers.
And he never told me why.
“Kyo” he sighs and turns to look at me. “Just forget it. Didn’t you ever want me to leave that job? So I finally did. You should only be happy with the result.”
I throw him a nasty glare that speaks for itself. Does he really think I’m ever going to forget this? Of course I want to know what happened to make him so angry and finally leave.
“You know, the more you don’t want to tell me, the more I want to know.”
He sighs again and turns to look out the window. The green light turns on and we move again. He watches the passing streets and people, and the rain, running down the side window.
“The lead singer shared his opinion with me” Kaoru finally says.
“About what?”
“About you.”
I glance at him for a second, not sure if I heard right, but then turn back. I desperately need to concentrate on the road in these shitty conditions.
“And what did he say about me?”
“He had a recent magazine with your interview and was talking about you with his band mates.”
The way Kaoru’s voice sounds forced I can easily guess he didn’t say anything nice.
“Of course, he didn’t see me. So he openly laughed at you and said things that… that decent people don’t go around saying.”
“What exactly?”
“You don’t want to hear that.”
“I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
I snort at his attitude.
“So what? Did you reveal yourself and said you were quitting?”
“No.”
He keeps silent and looks out the window.
“I broke his nose and knocked out some teeth.”
“What?! Why would you? Are you serious?” I stare at him.
Kaoru nods and finally looks at me.
“I knew he didn’t exactly like me, but I never knew his thoughts on you. He’s a total piece of shit and I’m not going to help that pig be famous by writing music for his fucking band.”
I keep silent and watch the road.
I guess I should be happy that he finally quit, but then I’m now worried about him even more.
“Won’t you get in trouble over that?”
He shakes his head.
“Yoshiki and Shinya dealt with that. When I told them everything, they were glad I kicked the bastard’s ass. For anyone’s concern, he’s away for personal reasons and he’s not going to tip me off to police. And what’s going to become of the band is already none of my concern.”
“But what was it that he said?”
“Kyo, he saw you back then, when you were sick, because I had to go to work constantly and couldn’t leave you alone. He mimicked you cruelly as if you were some retard, made fun of you the best way he could and I just snapped. I wanted to fucking kick his sorry ass all the way to the China.”
I thought he didn’t exactly like me, especially after Kaoru started a band with me, but I didn’t know he didn’t like me to this extent.
“So what’s done is done. I’m just happy that you’ve finally quit. You were always so overworked.”
“Yeah… I’m also happy I quit…”
We keep silent for a while and I see Kaoru start blinking sleepily. He could fall asleep any minute.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru, I wish I was of more use to you.”
“What?” he turns to look at me.
“I always cause problems to you… I mean… You don’t know how much I would want to do something for you – to protect you, to kick someone’s ass for you or just take care of you. Because it’s always you who’s the stronger one of the two of us, it’s always you, but never me and… it bothers me a lot.”
“It’s not like that, Kyo” he says rather calmly. I expected him to get angry at me and give me a lecture on low self esteem, but apparently it’s not going to be exactly like that. Maybe because he’s almost asleep while sitting.
“Kyo, you are strong, how can you not see it? After all that has happened to you, you found will to move on, to take back your life and be in charge of it. You went back to sing on stage knowing perfectly well that every face in the crowd knows that you were kidnapped, raped and tortured, that you weren’t yourself when you were found and that there’s a possibility that you’re having a relationship with me. It takes a man to not give a damn about any of that and do whatever you want to do.
I admire how you can go to the meeting with the label and tell them to their faces to either fuck off or let you have the music and lyrics you want and the way you want them. And you have enough brains to know how much you can push them and how in order to get exactly what you want.
You’re a weird, self-centered artist, a vocalist one of a kind and the label very soon, for their own luck, understood that this was exactly why fans love and respect you. If they interfered and made you some pop singer, all would go down the drain the next instant.
Kyo, there’s so much more to you than only these few things. I can understand why you’d feel insecure, but believe me – you don’t have to feel inferior compared to me.
Kyo-kun, I never thought low of you – ever.”
I almost hold back my remarks to him, but I’m glad I did. I know Kaoru’s sincere with me. He always is.
“I know that you always respected me and never diminished me compared to yourself and I’m very grateful to you for that, but… I just wish there was something more I could do to make you happy.”
“You think I’m unhappy?”
“I…”
Kaoru smirks at me evilly and puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Now when I quit my other lousy job, I’m as happy as I could possibly get.”
“But there are problems and things that…”
“And there’ll always be, Kyo. It’s life.”
“Life…”
“Come on, just get it to your thick head that there’s nothing else you need to do. Everything’s fine the way it is. Your mother’s even talking to me finally! How much better can it get?!”
“Ha ha, very funny!”
“I’m too tired to make more coherent thoughts, Kyo. What’s all this all of a sudden?”
“I’m just…”
I stop at red light again and feel Kaoru’s eyes on me. The raindrops hit the roof of the car noisily and it overpowers even the noise of the engines of the cars around us.
“Whatever you say, Kaoru, it’s always going to be you who sacrificed more for my sake and I just… It’s unfair that it’s always been so hard for you, that you always did more for my sake, that you’re always the supporting one of the two of us…”
He keeps silent and somehow this makes the whole situation more awkward for me than it should be.
“Kyo, nothing in this life is for free, you get nothing without hard work and effort. I earned your love the hard way. But that’s why it’s ten times more precious than it would have been if you would have said you’ll date me when I confessed my feelings for the first time after the show.”
The green light turns on and I resume driving.
“The only thing I truly regret is letting you walk off that bus without anyone noticing.”
“Kaoru, I…”
Come on, say it.
You’ve said it already a few times, so what’s so hard to say it once more?
Say it.
Kaoru, I love you so bad.
Say it.
“Are we clear now?” he smiles to me and I nod. “Truly?”
“Yeah… Sorry, but it was on my mind for some time and it was bothering me a little.”
“Well at least you finally brought it up. You should always do that instead of keeping all to yourself and worrying over nothing.”
He closes his eyes and makes himself more comfortable.
“I’ll close my eyes for a moment.”
“Sure.”
You need some rest, Kaoru. You really do.
I focus my entire attention on the road now.
It seems like the rain started to fall even heavier. If that was even possible.
The whole time I listen to the rain until I hear Kaoru’s light snoring.
Poor thing, he fell asleep. He was already walking like a dead, with bags under his eyes. I’m tired myself, but not as much as he is.
He sleeps throughout the rest of the way and when I finally turn into our driveway and turn the engine off, he remains sleeping. I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn to look at him.
He’s sleeping so peacefully that I don’t have the heart to wake him up. Though I know I should. We’re both wet and we’ll soon get cold without the heating in the car.
I inch closer to him and lean my head on my seat, watching his sleeping face.
He’s grown older. But he is so handsome to me. His gorgeous hooked nose and thin lips, his black like night hair, his tattooed arms.
I lift my hand and trace my fingers from his palm all the way to his shoulder.
The touch sends shivers through me. Or maybe it’s the cold. I don’t know.
I guide my hand further and touch his eyelids lightly. Then trace my fingers over his eyebrow, entwine them in his hair.
I lean closer and put a kiss on the corner of his lips.
The sound of heavy rain overlies all other sounds and it feels like I’m alone with him in some mysterious place of water, where there’s only me and there’s only him. I can’t even see anything through the window – only water running down Kaoru’s car’s window in a stream.
I draw my lips to his ear and whisper.
“So badly… I love you so badly…”
Kaoru smiles very lightly in his sleep as if he had heard me say it. Or maybe he felt the tickle made by the breath I exhaled on his sensitive earlobe.
I draw back slightly and smile.
I should wake him up and we should take the bags and get in the house, take a shower and make dinner.
But I just want a few more peaceful seconds.
Here in silence, surrounded by the heavy rain washing away all the dirt from the face of the world. With Kaoru sleeping peacefully and comfortably by my side. I want to watch him for just a few more seconds.
Some more.
Before life gets hectic again.
---
I put my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.
---
---
---
I feel him stir up and I swear I can hear him open his eyes. A moment later I feel his hand descend on my thigh and I open my eyes as well.
The only thing I see is his face so close to mine that I can even count his eyelashes. His tired dark eyes are watching me closely, so full of love that only a blind man could not see it. The emotions he has for me are written all over his face. They’re so predictable and obvious that it’s almost painful to perceive them.
I can smell his scent. It’s very Kaoru-like – barely noticeable, but very sweet and homey. And all-enduring. I’m sure some of it has rubbed off on me. I hope it did. I want to belong to him in all ways possible. I want to be his in body and soul.
Forever.
“What are you thinking about?” he suddenly asks and I draw back slightly, but his arm remains on my leg, not letting me go.
“You” I answer honestly, for once not making any stupid excuses.
He falters for a second, but then a smile creeps unto his lips slowly.
He parts his lips slightly as if he was just about to say something, but then just smiles broadly at me, giving me the warmest look ever.
He doesn’t need to say it again. I know. And by the look on his face I know I also don’t need to say any words to him. He knows.
Kaoru knows it.
“Let’s go in finally, it’s getting cold” he says and I nod.
Kaoru gets out of the car and rushes through the rain to take the bags from the cartrunk. As if tugged by some invisible strings I immediately follow him, getting out of the car myself. I take two bags myself and we hurry home.
Kaoru opens up the door and gets inside, shakes the water from his hair and wrings out his sleeves, takes off the shoes.
I slowly close the door and the sound of the rain gets muffled.
The rest of the world is left on the other side of the door and finally it’s just the two of us.
I close the distance between us and kiss his lips. He lets out a surprised grunt, but then when I’m about to draw back catches my chin with his fingers and kisses me back.
And I could stand just right here with him, in the hall, soaking wet and cold, a little hungry, but completely happy with how my life turned out to be.
Because in the end it turned out just right – with the madness of busy days and the sweetness of long nights, but never alone. With him.
With Kaoru.
And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world, but in our own house, taking a shower, making some miso and rice, having dinner in front of TV and retiring for the night early, because we’re tired.
Sounds mundane?
Sounds like perfect to me.

THE END

So this time it’s the end for real :) No more sequels :P
I hope I managed to tie all the knots and more or less answer all the questions :)
Loved it? Hated it? XD
This is the last time to reward me with your comments XD Because I love getting comments! XD
<3
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White Nights