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Medusa	By : dirusninjou Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 2467 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
Chapter 12

Toshiya stood in front of me, a look of pain, knowing, maybe even envy gracing his delicate features. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words can be heard. He is talking, but I am able to hear nothing. In my vain attempt to hear the words that leave his mouth, I walk toward him. I just reach the man I love, and hear him whisper my name. He says he’s sorry, just before he begins to fade from my sight. I reach out to take him in my arms, only to be met with nothingness. Now, I am standing here alone.
“You can take your apology and stick it where the sun don’t shine. I saw you kiss Kyo. I’m sure you and your ‘brother’ will be very happy together.” His voice, his words, they are coming from behind me now, and I turn in their direction. I see him standing before me once again, the same hating face that he showed me this morning. At one time, I held his heart. Now, I am thought of as the one who stabbed that which I loved—that which I love. I killed the Toshiya that I love. I killed him, and I didn’t even have to do anything. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. No, that’s not where this started. This started before the alley…. What did I do so wrong that could push him so far from me so quickly? I don’t understand.
“I’m sorry. Die, can you hear me? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said earlier about you and Kyo.” I can hear you. Shhh… it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. I should be the one saying I’m sorry. “Please, forgive me. I’m so stupid. I should have believed you this morning when you said it was nothing.” What? I –do- forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. I don’t know what I was forgiving you for, but I did. When you first said that you were sorry. I forgave you for everything… anything. If you thought you did something worth apologizing, then I forgave you. You’re not stupid. Why do you say such things? Why aren’t you listening to me? This time, I do not go to you. You faded from me last time, and I don’t want to have it happen again. What would that have changed? Do you think that if you believed me, that I would have not gone back to my apartment? That I would have been awake a little longer before I fell asleep to dream of you? Why must you continue to torment me? “But, the truth is, I didn’t want to be a bigger burden to you if you were just saying that to make Kaoru happy, or Kyo, or even Shinya.” What? How could you think you were ever a burden to me? Why would I say something to make them happy? They are not who I lived for. I lived for you. Only you. I just wish I had known that I could be so easily thrown away. Maybe… maybe I’ll just stay in my sleep. Maybe I am better off not waking up from this dream. At least this way, I have you back. I may not be able to touch you, or have you hear what I am saying, but at least I can see you always. At least I can tell you that I still love you. I don’t think I could ever stop loving you. If that happened, I would not be able to live. I would find it difficult to even be able to breathe without you as my air. “I don’t ever want to hold you back, but to hold you close.” You never held me back. At one time, I would have believed you about wanting to hold me close, but I don’t know that I can now. You have shown me only that I have become someone—something which you wish to keep far from yourself. Don’t tell me that you want to hold me close, when you know that if I were to open my eyes now, you would be nowhere in sight, and if I were to call you, you would say nothing to me and hang up the moment you knew who I was. Don’t tell me something you know to be a lie. Please. I can’t take it.

* * *

Toshiya had only been asleep for a short while when the sound of Die’s heart monitor grew rapid. He woke up quickly and turned his eyes to Die's face. He had obviously moved, as his face was contorted in a manner which showed… pain…? Or grief…? Toshiya was unsure which it was, and at this time, he wanted Die to be experiencing neither. Kyo, who had been there since about twenty minutes after actually hanging up on Toshiya, stood and went to the blue haired bassist’s side.
“He’s been like that for a while now. His heart rate will fall back to normal, and in a matter of minutes, it goes back up like this.” Toshiya turned to face the vocalist. Tears were clearly visible in the gray haired man’s eyes, but the bassist knew better than to mention them. He knew all too well that if he did, Kyo would go back to being quiet. At this moment, though, Toshiya really needed someone to talk. It didn’t matter what they said, as long as it was something. “I’ve already asked one of the nurses about it. She said that it was common for someone who had been in a traumatic accident to have sudden moments where their heart rate rises and falls periodically. The only time anyone would really need to worry is if it stays that way for an abnormal amount of time, or if it should go high enough or low enough to set off the alarm on the monitor. She said that as long as the monitor doesn’t sound its alarm, then there is nothing to worry about.” Kyo turned to look at Die’s face, and Toshiya did the same. Tears were now falling from his clenched eyes. His face had relaxed now, and his heart was back to its normal, hypnotic pace.
“Kyo, I’m sorry for what I said this morning. About you and Die. I—I just… I didn’t… I didn’t want to hold him back. I didn’t want to hold Die back if he really did want you, you know?” Toshiya said, turning his attention once again to Kyo. The older man stared at the bassist for a moment before pulling his near crying friend into a gentle embrace.
“I know. But, he really does love you. What happened that night… was entirely my fault.” Kyo stroked Toshiya’s fine hair softly as he spoke to him. “He would never want to do anything to make you mad at him. But, that’s what he thought. He thought that you hated him. And now, he still does. Because, even though we all know you love him, you have shown him nothing but hate. He doesn’t want to believe us anymore. Every time we would tell him that you really love him, he would start to cry and say that we were lying. That if you loved him so much, why were you doing this to him? Why were you killing him from the inside?” Kyo could feel that Toshiya was already crying, though that wasn’t his intention. Not this time. He wanted only to open the bassist’s eyes to what he had done to Die, not to make him cry. But, if that is what it would take to have the younger man tell the guitarist that he was sorry, then that is what he would do. “You know what the last thing he said to me was before he went to the bar? He said: ‘Why can’t I just stop loving Toshiya? If he could do it so easily, then why can’t I?’”
“But, I –do- love him.” The bassist said, his voice strained from crying.
“If you love him so much, then why didn’t you just accept his apology?” Kaoru asked, having just come back in from his smoke break.
“I didn’t want to be more of a burden… I was afraid he was only saying to make you—“
“To make me what? Happy? Good grief, Toshiya! Your skull is thicker than concrete sometimes!” Toshiya lowered his eyes to the floor. He was still holding Die's hand, but he didn’t feel that he should be given the right to look at his beautiful sleeping face. Not with their leader standing there yelling at him. “No one would be here right now if you had just accepted his apology. Do you know why? Because he would not have felt the need to go drink you out of his mind. He would not have gone to the bar, gotten drunk, then tried to drive home. He would not have ended up plowing head first into another vehicle!” Kaoru was now so close to Toshiya that the other could see the guitarist shaking in his angry state. His yelling had also managed to wake the sleeping drummer, who was now sitting on his chair-shaped-bed looking at the others. Toshiya was so wrapped up in what Kaoru was saying that he didn’t really notice when Die’s heart rate changed again. He didn’t notice when Die's hand managed to grip his own lightly. “You’re always going around crying about your problems, well, what about his?! Huh? When were you going to worry about what you were doing to him? When were you going to think about all the pain you were causing hi—“
“Kao… ru… Sh—shut up.” Everyone in the small room jumped at the sound of Die’s scratchy voice. Kaoru stood staring at the guitarist, a look of pure shock on his face. Toshiya’s tears seemed to have tripled, though this was due more to his happiness of the other man waking. He slowly turned to face the others, starting with Toshiya, who had been all too quick to release his hand. The bassist noticed as sadness and disappointment flashed in the red head’s eyes before they fell on Kyo, who sat with his mouth open and his eyes wide for the guitarist having told their leader to shut up. Then, slowly, he turned his gaze to Shinya, sitting quietly on the chair that had once been a suitable bed.
“H—how are you?” Toshiya asked, rather timidly. Die turned back to him, a smile on his face.
“A little sore, but other than that….” He paused a moment, as if trying to figure something out, or maybe he was deep in some far off thought, no one could be certain, while his eyes stared far beyond any of the band members within the small white room. “Um… what are you all doing here? Did I miss practice or something? And… why the odd reactions? You all act as though you think it’s a miracle that I woke up. Sure, I mean, I had a couple beers last night, but—“ Die’s words were cut short by the harsh pain in his chest when he tried to sit up in his bed. That’s when he realized where he was. “Wait, what am I doing in a… hospital..? Did something happen?” his eyes went once again to Toshiya, this time they reflected a new emotion. An emotion which was so rare to see with him. That emotion was fear.
“Don’t you remember?” Toshiya asked, choosing his words and tone very carefully. Die slowly shook his head, his eyes never leaving the bassist’s as they slowly began to fill to the brim with tears. “You were in a car accident. You were trying to drive home after getting drunk and you hit another car head on.” Die turned from Toshiya to Kaoru, hoping that the pink haired guitarist would tell him that it was a lie. Not satisfied with his silence, he turned to Kyo, then Shinya, only to be met with their agreement to what the bassist had told him. This couldn’t be happening. Sure, he had a couple drinks, but not enough to have caused him to have a car accident. This was just a bad dream. That’s it. Just a bad dream that he would wake up from soon.
“It’s not just a bad dream. It really happened. Just be glad you didn’t end up killing someone, such as yourself.” Kaoru said, seemingly out of the blue. It was as though he had heard what Die was thinking, though the red head knew that he hadn’t been thinking out loud. Die turned to face the guitarist, confusion clearly showing on his face. This time, his confusion was accompanied by those of Toshiya’s, Shinya’s, and Kyo’s, as they also stared at Kaoru.
“What are you talking about? Of course it’s not a bad dream. No one said it was.” Kyo stated, before turning his attention back to the red haired guitarist, who was now staring sadly at the back of the bassist’s head. He hadn’t even heard what Kyo had just said, though, he did hear what came next.
“Of course you wouldn’t have heard it, would you? You and your deaf ear, only hearing things you want to. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for you to wedge your way between him and Toshiya, ultimately destroying the best thing to ever happen to you, and most likely that ever will happen to you.” Kaoru said coldly, his voice filled with venom. Die and Kyo were now facing the leader, wearing very different facial expressions. Die’s face reflected the most confusion seen on his delicate features yet, and in his eyes, there was a distinct pain reflecting. He swallowed hard to get the lump that had formed in his throat to go away, but it didn’t work. It was all he could do to keep from weeping openly at the words he had just heard escaping his band mate’s mouth. Kyo, on the other hand, wore an expression of pure anger. He wanted so much to beat the oldest guitarist to a bloodied pulp, though he knew that it would not bode well for him afterward. Why had he said such cruel things? Why did he have to bring that up here? And, even more so, now? It was as if the purple haired man was trying to cause them to fight over something. The grey haired vocalist glared murderously at the older man, who was now smirking.
“Can I talk to you? Outside.” Kyo said through clenched teeth. He strained to maintain control over his tone of voice as he spoke to the leader, but even with his strong ability to express himself and to display numerous emotions on demand, he found it considerably difficult to carry out the seemingly simple task of holding a civil tone directed to the guitarist that he currently wanted to strangle for what he had just said without even so much as an ounce of consideration for the feelings of their friend and band mate. Never had he known Kaoru to be so inconsiderate toward Die, but now he believed what they said about there being a first time for everything. The purple haired guitarist scoffed and turned toward the door, gesturing for Kyo to lead the way.
Just as the vocalist opened the door for them to walk out, they were pushed back into the small room by a nurse who had apparently realized Die was awake.
“How are you feeling?” she asked as she checked his vitals and wrote on a clipboard.
“I’ve been better, but it’s not too bad.” Die replied politely before laughing. The nurse joined the laugh, seeming very relieved that he had a sense of humor.
“What’s your name?” he stared at her for a while, obviously confused by her question. “I need to make sure you remember it. There was trauma to your head, and if your memory was severely effected, then we would have to talk about the possibility of re-habitional therapy to try and get it back.” She smiled warmly at everyone in the room, and Die nodded in understanding.
“My name is Andou Daisuke, I’m 31 years old, and I play guitar for the hard rock/ metal band, Dir en grey.” He smiled once again as she wrote the information down.
“Okay, and what is the last thing you remember doing?” she asked.
“What’s your name? You haven’t introduced yourself to us, yet. Please, what is your name, then I’ll answer any questions you have.” Toshiya’s eyes grew wide with shock. Was he flirting with the nurse? He had a lot of nerve.
“I’m sorry. My name is Kamikoe. I’m the nurse who was set in charge of your care, in the event you should wake. Your friends really should have come and told someone that you had woken up so that we could have already gotten this out of the way, and you could probably be more comfortable by now.”
“Oh… okay. Well, the last thing I remember was talking to Toshiya and Kyo about the band. About us having reformed, and Kyo said something about it not going to be the same, no matter what. After he left, I went to bed, and woke up here.” The other four men turned to face him slowly. Their mouths hung open in shock and Toshiya’s eyes were filling with tears. Shinya and Kyo were somewhat relieved that he didn’t remember all that had happened between him and the bassist, but at the same time, it worried them. Kaoru seemed overwhelmingly confused. He turned from Die to Kamikoe then back again, searching for some kind of explanation to how he could have missed so much. Kamikoe was confused by their reactions.
“Is that not the last thing to have happened? Or close to?” they all shook their heads slowly. “Okay, I’ll need to talk to you outside, but first,” she turned to face Die, “Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”
“Well, it’s kinda difficult to look at everyone when I’m laying flat on my back, so… if you could raise this thing so that I am sitting up, it would be greatly appreciated.” Die replied, a large grin plastered to his face. He seemed to have missed everyone’s reactions to what he had previously said.
She did as he requested and raised the head of the bed up so that he was in a sitting position, before turning to leave the room, and beckoning Shinya to follow her so that they could talk. She chose Shinya because Kyo and Kaoru had already walked out to start their talk, and Toshiya had a look of pleading in his eyes when she turned to face him. She knew that the blue haired boy wanted to talk to Daisuke, and decided to not get in the way of that. Soon, Die and Toshiya were alone in small room.
The bassist turned back to Die, and tried to smile, though he found it rather difficult.
“I want to apologize for what has happened in the last couple weeks. Well, not everything, just how cold I’ve been to you lately.” Die stared at Toshiya, confused by what he was saying.
“I don’t see any reason why you should be apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong, did you?” He continued to stare at the blue haired man, who returned the gesture with disbelief showing through his eyes. He wasn’t going to say anything about it, though. They sat staring at one another for a long while before Die sighed heavily. “Toshiya, can I talk to you?” Toshiya blinked, confused, at the request. He had been hoping to say more to the older man, but if Die wanted to talk, he would let him. The bassist had ignored what the other wanted to say for too long already, and he would be damned if he did it again, for any reason. Slowly he nodded. “Okay, first of all, don’t answer me based on anything that may or may not have happened recently. Forget about whatever it is that you feel the need to apologize for. Just give me a straight answer, okay?” Die met with some difficulty trying to keep his eyes on Toshiya as he said this, and his voice was filled with a great sense of urgency and importance. Toshiya also picked up on another emotion in the red head’s voice… timidity.
“O…kay…” Toshiya wasn’t sure what Die was going to tell him, though he feared the worst. Die rose his eyes back to the other man’s face, and swallowed hard in an attempt to push the growing sense of fear from his mind.
“We’ve known each other for a long time, since before we were in the same band even. And over the years, I’ve grown, I think, very close to you. I even find it difficult to know that you won’t be home at night when you are out with someone or doing something… I guess I’m a little weak for that, but I don’t care. I used to just tell myself that it was nothing and that I only worried or cared because you were one of my best friends, but lately… the past couple years, I have realized that I was only lying to myself when I said that.” Toshiya’s eyes grew wide as he listened to what Die was saying, and slowly his face began to turn a shade of red to rival that of Die's hair, causing the other man to advert his eyes. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… that… I… *sigh* I love you. More than I should, I’m sure, and, I don’t want that fact to change anything between us. If it ruins our friendship, then I truly am sorry, but I could not go on lying to you every time I saw you. I didn’t want to tell you at first, but a person can only shed so many tears for what they don’t have, or never have had. I guess I was just wondering if there was a chance for there to be an ‘us’… and if there isn’t, then I completely understand.” They sat in silence for a long while, as tears fell down Toshiya’s face. Finally, the silence was broken when Die let out a loud cry because Toshiya had thrown himself on Die’s chest, wrapping the older man in his arms.
“Of course there’s a chance. How could you think other wise?” upon hearing this, Die let his own tears fall and he returned the hug he was receiving, completely ignoring the pain in his chest caused by the younger man. “Aishiteru yo, itsumo to zutto.”
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