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14 Years	By : lunavin Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Metallica Views: 2583 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Metallica. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
Author's Notes:

a. Having only ever watched small snippets of Some Kind of Monster I had to make up Phil Towle's personality and I kind of didn't give him any.
b.About Fran, I've never heard her speak. I've seen pictures, but that's all. Her reaction is based on a combination of an interview I saw of Dee Snider's wife and what I needed for this story.
c. I was singing this song in my head as I wrote it. When I decided to go look for the lyrics to see if it fit into the chapter I had to think, "hmm.. who sings this song again?" And oh dear the irony and the agony when I remembered. Infectious Grooves. Rob Trujillo wrote it. So I left out the lyrics, but left it the chapter title.
d. thanks Virtual Bettie. It's pretty hard for me to write one-shots. Every time I try to work it out in my head it turns into a multi-chapter fic.

"I really hadn't thought about what I’d say to Lars," Jason said. He was sitting next to James on the sofa.

What a stark contrast it was to sit in the light of day when only a few short hours earlier it had just been him, James, and the dim lights of the bedroom. It had been much easier to be open when he couldn't see clearly, when everything was still muted like a dream.

"That went better than I expected," James mused. "I was surprised he left."

"Yeah, me too." Jason said. He glanced at the television unsure of what to say. Life had caught up to them; the sun reminding him that life was moving on and this wasn't his place in life anymore.

"I told them about us," James said. "At one of the therapy sessions after you were already gone. I told Fran a few weeks before that and then I brought her in for when I told Lars and Kirk."

Jason looked over at him amazed, but didn't speak.

"You wanted an explanation?" James asked.

"I think I should hear this," Jason said.

SOME KIND OF MONSTER RECORDING PERIOD, JANUARY 2002

James had called a last minute emergency band meeting on a day where he knew the camera crew recording the biopic of their new album would not be readily available. To ensure this, he called Lars last and assured him the camera crew would be there. Of course he'd lied and Lars was mighty pissed when he realized this. But by then it was too late, and James had him, Kirk, Francesca, and Phil Towle the therapist already set to go.

"If it's this important then the cameras should be here," Lars said.

"You don't want them to hear this, trust me." James sat next to Francesca. She sat there holding his hand without looking at him.

"Did you kill someone?" Lars asked.

"No"

"Then what's the god-damn big deal?"

"Lars," Phil said. "Just give James a chance to express himself."

"This is obviously important if he brought Fran," Kirk said.

"Fine," Lars said exasperated and sat down on an opposite chair.

James breathed deeply. He’d just gotten out of rehab the month before. There he learned a lot of things and it made him decide that he should confess and come clean about his past. He’d started with Francesca, talking to her and apologizing for many things he’d done. He even told her about having sex with Jason. After spending the past 2 and a half weeks sleeping in the guest bedroom he wondered what else was in store for him once he told the guys in Metallica.

"Go on, James" the therapist said.

"I might," James started. He'd been practicing this in his head for the past week. "I might have another reason why Jason left."

"Really?" Lars said blandly.

"I slept with him," James said, but he knew it sounded sugar-coated. "I fucked him. Once. Over a year ago. Right before the MTV awards."

Lars and Kirk looked over at Francesca wide-eyed. She hadn't flinched, and it was obvious this wasn't news to her.

"Fuck, I wish the camera crew were here," Lars said quietly.

"It's not a big deal, James." Kirk said. "I mean your homophobia aside..."

"Yeah," Lars piped in, "Kirk slept with him too."

"How do you know that?" Kirk looked over.

"I caught you in the studio once," Lars replied.

"That was you?"

"Yeah. See James? No big deal."

James squeezed Francesca's hand unconsciously. His reasonably side had told him that the day at Monsters of Rock couldn't have been the first nor the last time, but he hadn't ever been told straight out.

“Does Lani know?” James asked.

“She was there the last few times,” Kirk shrugged.

“You are such a slut,” Lars said.

“I am not,” Kirk said. “I just like sex is that a crime? I’m sure you’ve fucked more groupies than I have. I’m just a little more creative… whatever. I haven’t been with Jason in years.”

"I caught you guys at Monsters of Rock," James said. "And this wasn't like that. This was bad."

"How do you mean?" Kirk asked.

James looked over at Fran. She looked back at him sadly and just nodded.

"I kind of forced him," he said quietly. He didn't look up. “I was drunk and pissed off about the whole side project thing. I just got out of hand."

"What do you mean 'forced him'?" Kirk asked. James looked up to be sure it was him. It wasn't a tone of voice he normally heard from the guitar player.

"I was rough," James said and looked at the Phil. "I sort of asked permission. He sort of didn't say 'no'. That sounds really bad. And it was pretty bad. I don't know."

"But I don't get it," Lars said. "Why did you do it at all? Since when are you into guys?"

"Not guys," James said. "Just Jason. I mean I'd seen guys I thought were attractive, but I could just brush it off, you know. Like I can say Paris is nice, but I don't want to live there. But Jason was just there all the time in my face, and I snapped."

James risked a look about the room. Phil's face was devoid of any recrimination as usual. He sat there passively listening. Lars sat there looking dumbfounded. Kirk though... James was glad Kirk was a Buddhist because he was sure Kirk might have just beaten him into the ground by now if the look in the Filipino's eyes was any indication.

"So James," Phil said. "How long were you suppressing these feelings for Jason?"

"Years," James admitted.

"And why did you suppress these feelings in the first place? Did you ever confide in anyone about them?"

Lars scoffed in the background.

"I didn't want to be gay. I'm not gay. I like women. I love my wife. I couldn't understand why I wanted Jason that way. I didn’t want to feel that way so I just ignored it. I hated him for it."

"Was it just sex, James?" Kirk asked. "It wasn't enough to control him in the band you wanted to control him everywhere else too."

"No, it wasn't," James admitted. "It wasn't just the sex. I love the guy, I do. I love all of you too, you know. I don't know why it was different with him."

"Thank fucking God the cameras aren't here," Lars said quietly.

James and Kirk turned to him.

"What? Not all press is good press," Lars said. He stood up and started pacing. "I mean, c'mon. After the fucking Playboy article the media went to town on us. We're fucking villains right now. You think I really want the world to know you practically raped Jason and then he fucking leaves the band! Fuck, James! What the hell were you thinking? And it took you how long to realize you needed help and go to rehab?"

Kirk shook his head. He stood up and started towards the door. "If there's nothing else then I'm getting out of here."

James looked away silently.

"Kirk, I really think you should stay and express to James how you're feeling," Phil said.

Kirk looked at Phil for a second, "Fuck off." With that he walked out the door.

"Don't even call me Het," Lars said. He grabbed his jacket and made for the same exit. "I'll call you... later."

The door shut behind him.

"Is there anything you'd like to say Mrs. Hetfield?" Phil asked.

"Oh, god," she whispered silently.

"You know I'm sorry Fran," James said. "I want things right between us, that's why I was honest. I know I was fucked up, that's I went to rehab."

"It's not even..." she started. "I didn't marry a rock star thinking you'd always be faithful..."

"Fran you know I never cheated once I asked you to marry me," James said.

"Except Jason," she said.

"I know, and I'm..."

"Stop apologizing already," Fran said sternly. "I've been listening to you be sorry for weeks. It’s Jason you need to apologize to now."

James nodded.

"Mrs. Hetfield," Phil started. "Will you forgive James? Have you forgiven James?"

Francesca laughed. "I was more horrified by how it happened than about him actually doing it.”

"Can you explain what you mean?" Phil asked.

"I know you're married to them too," she said. "That's why Lars, Kirk, and even Jason have all been divorced. Because you guys spent so much time with the band and not enough time on your wives."

"But you're different," James said. "You've always accepted that Metallica is my life's work."

"And you've always been there when I needed you," Francesca turned to him on the couch so she could look at James straight on. "You've always been there when the kids need you. That's what matters. If you were with them and one of us was sick or in the hospital..."

"I'd rush right home," James said.

"I know," She said. "I’ve been thinking a lot these past few weeks and I’ve been talking to Lani too since she’s the only other one of the ‘Metallica wives’ still around. I made her promise not to tell Kirk. I knew you’d tell him yourself. And maybe I’m crazy, and I know a lot of women, not counting Lani, would say I’m crazy. If anything like this should happen again...”

"It won't, Fran. I'm not going to risk you." James wrapped her up in a hug.

Fran pulled back to look in his eyes. "Don't promise me that. I'm not going to begrudge you Metallica. I never have."

"What do you mean?" James looked confused.

"If you had sex again with Jason or even Lars or Kirk, I’m not going to just throw away our marriage over that. I didn’t marry a rock star thinking you’d always be faithful, and I always knew how important they are in your life," she said. “They were the most important thing in your life for years.”

“You and the kids are the most important thing in my life. I don’t want to hurt you even if you’re saying it’s okay.”

"And I don’t want you to beat Jason into submission again. If you hadn’t been living in this homophobic bubble you would have slept with him years ago and you might have even put it behind you now like Kirk and Lani obviously have. So now you have this whole other side of yourself you’ve been suppressing for years and you never got it out of your system like everything else. You know, back when you were younger and you just ran wild before you met me and we settled down."

"I don't understand," James said.

"I think maybe you should think about exploring sex with men. I don't want it to be something you wish you'd tried, but never did. I don't want you to hold it all in and then it bursts out in rage like it did."

"Fran, I'm really not..." James started.

"Just think about it and we can talk about it later and we'll get through it all together," she said and gave a glance over to Phil who had been quiet this whole time. "I just... I forgive you okay. On my end, we're okay. Especially since you went into rehab to get the help you obviously needed. And if you and Jason should ever..."

"Fran..."

"I'm not going to be hurt. I just need it to be me first. As always, me and the kids come first."

"Always."

James and Francesca hugged each other tightly. He buried his face and breathed in the calming scent of her. He knew he’d dodged some bullets. He hoped Lars and Kirk would eventually be okay with him again once they’d processed the information. If only it weren’t for the Jason-size whole in his life, he’d consider himself the luckiest man in the world.

PRESENT

"But with you my luck seems to have run out," James said.

Jason grabbed James’ hand and held it in his own. It was a bridge between them on the sofa and Jason stared at it while James took the opportunity to look at Jason.

"You made it sound worse than it actually was," Jason said. "You didn't force me you just surprised me. I'd been fantasizing about you and granted you were a bit rough, but I always imagined you could be a bit rough."

"I'm sorry, Jason." James said.

Jason looked up at him. James always had a way of talking around an apology to let you know he was apologetic without actually saying the words. It was seldom Jason ever heard him say the words outright to anyone. It was always a true sign of just how deeply regretful the singer was.

"For what?" Jason asked.

"I'm sorry I was such an asshole," James said.

Jason smirked. "I'm sorry I didn't try the therapy. I'd hung on for so long I might as well have just hung on for a little longer."

"But you couldn't cause I backed you into a corner about Echobrain."

"I thought you wanted me gone," Jason said. "I thought you were just pushing me out. You had to have known there was a big chance I'd tell you to fuck off. You didn't seem to care."

"I didn't think you'd actually go. And I didn't realize how much it would hurt if you did."

"It hurt me too."

James squeezed Jason's hand in his.

"You know I have to go soon," Jason said.

James just nodded his head.

"I have to pack and check out of my hotel. I have a flight to catch, too," Jason continued.

"Do you have to leave right now?" James asked.

"No," Jason said.

"You want breakfast?"

Jason stood up, still holding on to James hand. He pulled him up from the sofa so James stood in front of him.

“I can have food later. But you…” Jason said in a low voice. “I can’t have you later.”

“Bed?”

Jason nodded.

James smiled and planted a small kiss on the corner of Jason’s mouth. He led the bassist back to the bedroom with a tug of their still intertwined hands.
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14 Years