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I'm Not Gay	By : PunkyEmoFreak Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Tokio Hotel Views: 2061 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Tokio Hotel. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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|| Tom’s POV ||

I do miss being alone with him- like we were before. I do miss kissing him. But I’m keeping to my promise that we were not going to do anything like that anymore. But now- I’m realizing some things. Ever since Bill had told me he was in love with me, I’ve thought a lot about love. I don’t love Hailey and Urie. Well, maybe I love Hailey a little bit. I do not love any of the girls that I’m with on a nearly daily basis. I love the sex I have with them, because I simply love sex. But it didn’t beat sex with Bill. I love Georg and Gustav, they’re my best friends and I really couldn’t imagine my life without them. They’re my best friends- they’re the ones that I love with that ‘brotherly love’ I told Bill that I loved him with.

Bill. The one person that I didn’t even have to think twice about it I love him or not. I do love Bill. And not the way I love Georg and Gustav. It terrifies me, I wont lie. Because, I love with to where I don’t want to ever see him with anyone else- even though I am with so many. I love to where I never want to see him hurt, even though I know it hurts him to see me leave school with some girl. I love him to where I found I even think about him when I’m with a girl. Sick, I know. But I can’t help it. Stupid faerie boy is never going to leave my thoughts, is he? I still wish I could hate him, even if he is my brother.

I stepped out on my front porch the same time I did everyday only to see Bill doing the same thing. It was a every-school-day thing for us. He smiled and waved at me and I smiled back at him as we started walking down the steps of our porches and met up right in between our houses. Sometimes we’d walk in silence to school together and others we’d talk. I was hoping this was one of those silent days. I had a hangover from hell. I drank too much at the club last night with the G-strings. No such luck.

“Do you remember my friend, Andreas, I was telling you about before?” I heard him ask me and I nodded before I could actually let my foggy mind clear enough to actually remember who he was.

“Well, he moved here!” I heard Bill sound so excited and I felt a twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. When I didn’t respond to him my brother continued. “He came over last night, Tom. Oh it was so exciting! I told him a little about you, and he was okay with us being adopted and all. And then he asked me out and I said yes…”

He said more after that, but I didn’t understand a thing he said. I was frozen solid in my steps. Bill stopped about three steps I front of me and turned around, tilting his head at me, a worried expression over his beautiful features. “Are you okay, Tomi?” His voice held the same worried tone as his face did.

No, I wasn’t alright. I wanted to kick this kid’s ass for asking Bill out. Even though I knew I would never do such a thing, what gave Andreas such a right to do it? “Don’t call me that.” I said in usual response, he was used to that thought, “And yeah, I’m fine, hangover is all.” Bill was used to me saying that as well. It was true too. “I don’t think I’m gonna go to school today, Bill.” He frowned at me.

“You must have partied hard last night, Tom. To not come to school.” He said. I go to school with hangovers all the time. But it wasn’t the hangover that made me not want to go. It was the fact that I wanted to go throw up. Again. That I didn’t want to see Andreas who I just knew was going to be there with his hands all over my Bill. Nasty boy. I don’t know what he looks like, acts like, nothing about him. But I knew he wasn’t good enough for Bill.

Then again, I know I’m not good enough for him either. I gave my twin a weak smile and shrugged a shoulder, “I just don’t feel to well, Billa. I’m probably coming down with something.” I said. Realizing just then how true that really was. It wasn’t just the hangover that was bothering me- I hadn’t really drank that much last night. Just enough to screw someone without thinking about Bill too much. But I still felt sick. Throw up for reasons not made by me. Scary to think, I don’t normally get sick.

“Kiss too many girls and catch something, Tom?” He asked, it was supposed to be a joke. I could tell by the smile on his face and the small laughter in his voice. Leave it to him to try and make me feel better like that. But I couldn’t take it as that.

“Yeah, probably.” I said as my stomach started to churn and my arms wrapped around it. “I’ll catch ya later, Bill.” I said as I turned around to go back into my house and strait to the porcelain basin of the bathroom. My brother called that he’d bring my homework by after school and I waved a hand at him.

I didn’t bother to hide from Hailey and Urie when I walked in the house, I really was starting to feel even worse then just a hangover. I knew they hadn’t left for work yet and were now sitting in the kitchen. I dropped my backpack at the door and ran past the kitchen and up the stairs. I heard Hailey yell my name as I ran past in a confused tone. I shut the door to the bathroom, forgetting to lock it before I leaned over the toilet and heaved the already empty contents of my stomach.

But instead of just the water I had drank this morning was a liquid red colour. That scared me. As long as I have been forcing myself to do this I have never once vomited up blood. Hailey knocked on the door and called my name again and I started to feel dizzy. She asked if I was okay and I couldn’t answer as I threw up again, this time only blood. I flushed the blood down as Hailey just opened the door to find me sitting on the ground with my arms around my too small stomach and my head leaning against the side of the toilet.

“Tom, sweetie, are you alright?” She asked me again, walking over to my side and getting down on her knees, pressing a cool hand to my face. She frowned hard; apparently I was too hot of something. I felt it. I felt like death warmed over. “Go lay down in you’re bed, honey. I’ll bring you up some medication.”

“Yeah…” I mumbled in response, my hands trying to push myself up from the ground but I couldn’t do it. “No, I’ve changed my mind, I’m staying right here.” I mumbled, leaning against the cold white ceramic again. It’s a better idea anyways in case my stomach decides to upturn again.

But Hailey just shook her head and helped me from the ground. Her face turned more then worried now. She shouldn’t be able to move me so easily. At my height I should be well over a hundred pounds. Last time I allowed myself to check I was closer to seventy. “Tom, how long have you not felt well? You seem thinner.”

Of course I’m thinner. I’ve been getting thinner for the last three years. She just never noticed. But I just shook my head, “I’m fine, Hailey. I think I just caught something from Gustav.” I knew it was a lie. But what else could I say except for the truth? And the truth was not about to come out. Yeah, I’m sick because my twin is dating his best friend and I’ve been vomiting up everything you’ve fed me for the last three years. Great idea, Tom! Not.

Hailey helped me to my room and into my bed. She said something to me but I don’t remember what it was. I don’t remember anything after my head hit the pillow. I passed out- not in the good way either. Cause I only remember black.

xXxXx

“Tom.” I vaguely heard the voice from somewhere far away. It was the voice of an angel. I knew that much. It was too sweet and angelic to be anything else. If this was dying, I was okay with that. “Tomi?” The sweet sound of the angel’s voice turned to more of a worry and I started to feel pain in my stomach again. I lied, dying sucks and hurts. Don’t ever die. “Tomi… are… are you okay?” I groaned a little, nope, not death at all. And the voice wasn’t of an angel, but of a faerie.

My eyes opened slowly and I was looking strait into brown eyes. They were scared, but seemed to relax when they were looking into identical ones. “Hey Tomi,” He said, his voice still soft and sweet. Hey, maybe Bill can be angel. I gave my twin the best smile I could manage right now and he smiled back at me. I’m sure he expected to be snapped at for the name, but I was too tired to care right now.

My turn of lips lasted a moment longer until I heard another voice. One very unfamiliar to me. “Billie, you’re brother okay?” Billie? Ugh, that sounded gross. He should never be called Billie. And I already knew who it was; it made me want to upchuck again.

“I’m fine.” I said in response to his question to my brother. My voice was a little hoarse, but the snap in it was definitely noticeable and both other boys looked at me confused. I forced myself to sit up, pushing my lithe body up enough to lean against the wall behind me and Bill let out a small sigh. The blanket had fallen off of me and I was shirtless. When did I loose my shirt?

“Andi, could you leave us alone for a moment?” I heard my brother ask his friend. I would refuse to think of him as anything else to Bill. “Brother stuff, yanno?” Andreas nodded, telling me he hoped I’d feel better soon. I could hear the lie in his words. He didn’t know me and he hated me as much as I hated him.

“What did you bring him here for?” I asked him before Bill could say anything else to me. I sounded too mean about it. But I didn’t care. I was jealous. I was beyond jealous. And that wasn’t making my stomach settle any.

“We were going to my house. I was coming to drop off you’re homework.” Bill said, sitting on the foot of my bed and looking at me with sad eyes. “Hailey’s noticed, Tom…” He said softly, and my eyes widened. She knew about us? How could she know? I hadn’t been that close to him since before he told me what he already knew.

“H-how did she find out?” I choked out. My stomach started hurting worse but this time it wasn’t from wanting to vomit. This time it was from fear. From pain that Bill had to have betrayed me. I wrapped my arms tighter around my stomach and the pain there started putting water in my eyes- but I wouldn’t let them fall into tears.

“When you were sleeping you started coughing up blood.” He frowned, looking as though he was going to try. What was he talking about? We were so not on the same page here. “She couldn’t get you to wake up though, so she took off you’re shirt so you wouldn’t wake up to gross clothes like that on you. She saw how small you are.”

I don’t know what would have been the worse of two evils. Hailey knowing what she does… or Bill knowing this… or maybe it would just be best if Hailey knew about what we’ve done together. Wait, no. Yeah, that would be the worst. I just laughed a little, which hurt but I didn’t care. “How small I am? Oh please, what are you guys thinking?”

“I’m thinking you’re not sick with the flu or anything. You’re throwing and coughing up blood, Tom. You’re stomach is eating itself because you wont feed it.” Bill snapped at me which made me laugh again. Probably not a good idea, I got a glare from my twin again and frowned.

“Billa, we all went out to dinner last week. I ate then. And I eat dinner with Hailey and Urie every night. And you see me eat at school every day.” I do eat. I just don’t keep it down very well. Okay, so I don’t keep it down at all. I used to be able to keep some of it down at times when I knew I needed it. But lately, I can’t keep anything down at all.

“Yes, you do it.” My twin sighed and shook his head at me, “You think I don’t notice, Tom. I notice everything about you. I thought you might have just felt sick at first… I just never knew how to bring it up to you.” He sucked his lip into his mouth like I do and I bit at my own. I didn’t like where this was going. “You’ve been throwing up everything you eat since I met you, Tom. And my guess is that it’s been a lot longer then that.”

“Bill… I…” I didn’t know what to say, I just trailed off and leaned my head against the wall behind me. I couldn’t deny it. That would be lying, and I’ve lied to him enough. And he already knew the truth so what was the point denying it? There wasn’t one. I knew that much was true.

“How long, Tomi?” He asked me. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to answer him. I wanted to go back into that dreamless sleep where nothing bothered me and I couldn’t wake up from. The sleep that had made me think I was dying. I felt like doing that now. Dying that is. Could what I’ve been doing kill me? If so, I’m not going to stop. When I didn’t answer, Bill must have known it’s been a long time. “Hailey is sending to a hospital, Tom.”

“Huh?” That snapped me back into reality. Hospital? Me? I’ve never been to a hospital before. Not to say I’ve never been sick before. I have, just not ever with something Hailey couldn’t take care of. I’m a little afraid of doctors. It was my own secret that only Hailey knew. After all, how gay would it make me look if I they knew I was afraid of doctors? At least, I know Geo and Gus would think that.

“Aspen Springs. It’s a mental hospital, Tom. She’s come to the same conclusion I have. She finally put all the signs together.” He sighed a little and twisted his hair around his fingers, “She asked me to tell you, because she thought you’d take it calmer from me then her.” That was true, I’d probably be freaking out if Hailey came and told me this. “I should have told her before you got sick.” I’m glad he didn’t.

“I’m going then.” I said as my eyes closed. I didn’t wanna see the look on his face. The gasp was enough indication to tell me he was surprised I wasn’t putting up a fight. “I need to get out of here anyways.” I didn’t say why. I only told Bill to leave me alone after that. That his boyfriend was waiting for him.

I needed to get away from Bill so I could get the sick thoughts out of my head. He was over me now. And that was good. I don’t want to go to Aspen Springs for how I eat, how small I am. I’m proud of my weight. I don’t really want to go at all. But they may be able to help me get over my brother without me having to tell them to much. And even if I have too tell them everything- they won’t be allowed to tell anyone anything.

A week later- I was there. In a room all of my own at Level Zero- you can’t get out until Level Five. I know I won’t ever be leaving this place then. I don’t have patience to do this. Patience to be a ‘good boy’ to get out of here. I’ll probably kill myself before this is all over anyways.
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