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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
I drop the bag on the backseat and start the car. I can’t shake off the feeling of guilt for leaving Kyo for the weekend, but the need to get away is stronger. So I drive away to the other end of Tokyo, as far as I possibly can from my home and my problems, and from Kyo.
I just want to get wasted, get laid and forget everything in the world. At least for one weekend.
When I feel far enough from my apartment, I stop at the first decent-looking hotel and check in. I don’t waist any time. I take my wallet and head for the closest bar where I am sure I would find the so called consummators working.
I have no time to go look for somebody to fuck. There is no guarantee that I will get laid in this way, so buying myself sex seems like the best way out of my problem. Even though it is not the most decent one.
I stop at a bar and go in. Immediately a girl comes up to me with a smile on her face. Yeah, I managed to find just the perfect place for myself.
She looks not bad, but not my taste at all. She is too tall and a foreigner. I’m not after an exotic chick tonight.
“Hey, handsome” she says, her Japanese clumsy, but easily comprehensible. “Would you like my company for a drink?”
I close the distance between us and stop, looking directly in her eyes. She immediately gets suspicious and steps back slightly, my presence too intimidating for her.
“I’m not here for a drink. I’m looking for a Japanese girl that would spend the whole night with me. Would there be anyone like this in here?”
She throws a nasty look to me and crosses her arms on her chest.
“It’s not a whore house. We’re here just to keep the men company, not to sell ourselves.”
I nod showing my understanding and step closer to her again. I’m glad that the bar is full and everyone is busy, so nobody watches or listens to us.
“I know it’s not that kind of place, but also I know that even in places like that there sometimes are girls who are willing to do anything to get more money. So that’s why I’m asking for what I want. Because if there aren’t girls like that, I don’t want to waste my time here and go somewhere else instead.”
She looks at me as if she was judging my true motives and licks her lips absentmindedly.
“How do I know that you’re not a cop or some maniac?”
“I can show you my ID card. You can write down my address in case you’re afraid that the girl wouldn’t be coming back.”
She looked at me intensely for a few more moments and finally nodded.
“Ok, wait here.”
“Hey, wait!”
She looks back at me a bit irritated.
“I’d prefer somebody not taller than me and blond. Or…” I hesitate for a moment, thinking if I would dare to say this to a stranger. But she seemed not to recognize me at all. But I change my mind anyway. A girl would be just fine. And there were slim chances of here being a short blond guy available and willing to be fucked.
“No, that’s all. Thank you.”
She looks at me perhaps thinking if I was right in my mind, but finally turns back and disappears somewhere in the back of the bar. I come up to the bartender and order myself beer. But I manage to drink only some of it when the foreigner comes back with a girl.
Perfect. She’s short and she’s blond. And not ugly in the face at all.
“Here’s the man I was talking about” the foreigner says and the girl beside her eyes me and smiles sexily. “Be careful, ok?”
The girl nods and almost pushes the foreigner away. So I got a bitchy one. Cool. I don’t want any setbacks tonight. All I want is to get drunk and fuck till I drop. A shy girl wouldn’t be suitable for this plan.
“I’m Yoko” she says and sits beside me. “So you want the whole night? That desperate, aren't you?”
“Think whatever you want” I shot back at her, a bit irritated by her bluntness. “All I want is to fuck for the whole night.”
She laughs loudly and leans closer to me. I can smell cigarettes on her and some very sweet cheap perfume.
“How much will I get for all of that?”
I tell her the sum I have thought off before and her eyebrows lift in surprise. Yeah, I know my offer is hard to resists. She’s all mine now.
“We have a deal” she smiles sweetly, already almost ready to purr from excitement. Yeah, she loves money, no doubts about that anymore.
“Then let’s go” I say and stand up. I leave money for the beer and we leave. She makes some stupid comment about the car and I tell her to shut up. I’m not usually that rude but I really don’t want to know what’s in her head. I only want a body, I don’t need a personality attached to it. It would make me feel even worse for buying her love if I knew she had feelings and a life.
She purses her lips but does as she is told.
We stop shortly to buy alcohol and soon we’re back at the hotel. I show her the money she will get and she smiles greedily.
“What do you want me to do?” she asks sweetly, trying to sound seductive. I look at her evaluating her appearance.
“Tie your hair on the top of your head in a knot so that it wouldn’t hang all around you and let’s get a drink.”
She glances curiously at me hearing this strange request, but doesn’t say anything and does as she is told. We sit at a table and drink beer for some time until I feel intoxicated enough and ready to touch her. I try not to think that I bought her for the night. I’ve never done this before, but I want to fuck so much that I just threw all my morals and cautions out the window.
She does a great job of pretending she enjoys everything I do to her. She moans and writhes under me as a good little girl and I come too fast the first time. She feels so nice, her wet pussy hot around my dick and I just can’t hold in very long.
We smoke after that and lie in silence for some time until I get hard again. I try not to think that I get hard only because I think of Kyo. Only his naked body in front of my eyes makes me hard and needy. I barely register the girl’s presence under me. I crush her with my weight, but I only see her small shoulders and her blond hair.
The sweat rolls down my forehead and irritates my eyes as I thrust into her quite roughly, as if being angry on her. My head spins a bit from the alcohol and soon her face skips my eyes and I can easily place Kyo’s face on top of her.
“Fucking little shit” I grumble, putting my hands on her thighs and lifting them, giving my cock an even better access. I go deeper and the deeper I get in, the more frustrated I get.
I’d never get what I want. As much as I try, as hard and fast as I thrust, it doesn’t give me the satisfaction I want. It frees my body from physical pain and tension, but my mind doesn’t get clearer. It gets even muddier than it was before. It’s not Kyo. It’s not him. It never was and never be. It’ll never be him under me, writhing, sweating and willing to take all I give.
Never.
“Fuck you, Kyo…” I grit my teeth and aim for exceptionally rough thrust. “Get out of my mind!”
I come so unexpectedly for myself that the legs I hold slip away and I drop on the body under me, panting heavily. For a moment all is still, but suddenly I feel a hand appear on my back and start carefully and a bit hesitantly stroking me as if to try to sooth me.
I blink in confusion and only then feel tears running down my cheeks. I blink and try to stop them, but for some time it doesn’t help. My dick still inside her, her hand on my back. Her other hand on my hip.
I pull out and roll off her, take off the used condom and drop it on the ground next to the bed. I hear some movement and hear her light a cigarette. The smell of smoke hits my nostrils. When a cigarette appears near my lips I’m not surprised. I part my lips and she thrusts the cigarette between them.
For some time we lie like this in silence, sharing a cigarette and starring at the ceiling. The tears finally stop.
I feel her hand on me again. This time it’s on my cock.
She strokes it lazily and I relax. I try to avoid even looking at her face. She keeps silent and I like it this way the best. I close my eyes and imagine that it’s Kyo beside me, that it’s his hand on my cock, pleasuring me, taking me in his mouth and sucking me very gently and very slowly. When I come, I see his unfocused, dead eyes and I shout out loud in frustration. The orgasm hits me, but my cry doesn’t sound like from pleasure at all. I feel the tears in my eyes again.
I push her head roughly away and turn my back to her.
I can’t do this. I can’t even fuck without feeling pain anymore. I feel like I’m betraying him, cheating on him, hurting him, using him. I left him alone, abandoned him even if I promised him not to leave his side. I think these thoughts of him when the very state he is in now was caused by torture and rape. And here I am, getting off thinking about his body, his naked body in my shower, his helpless state, his total vulnerability and his whole little frame completely in my power.
“Go out now” I choke out the words to the girl. I never should have done such a stupidity. I never should have sunk so low as to buy a girl to fuck her. I’m a total looser and a total bastard.
“Are you sure?” I hear her ask. Her voice now doesn’t sound arrogant or impertinent. She sounds… concerned? “It’s still only five in the morning.”
“Just go.”
I don’t want to see her more than necessary. I don’t want the reason of my guilty conscious be around me.
I feel the bed shift and she stands up. I hear her go to the bathroom and shower. After some time she comes back and I hear her dress up and take the money. Then silence. She doesn’t go yet, but stands still and perhaps looks at me, naked and curled up on the bed. Looking pathetic.
“Will you be alright?” I hear her silent voice. For a moment I want to tell her to fuck off. Take the money and go. Don’t be kind with me! But then her concern arouses pain in my chest again and I feel tears gather in my eyes once more.
“I will” I finally whisper. “Thank you for your concern…”
Silence follows as she still stands not moving, perhaps hesitating and not wanting to go. But then finally I hear her steps and she opens and closes the door.
I finally am alone.
Sobs hit me so hard that for a second I can’t even breathe. When I manage to calm down a bit, I stumble out of bed and find the rest of the alcohol on the floor. I sit at the bed, my back leaning on it, take the bottle and my cigarettes and drink until my body can’t cope with the alcohol at all and I fall asleep right there on the floor.
***
I try to concentrate on the road, but it’s very hard. After sleeping on the cold hard floor until late afternoon my whole body is sore and tired. Serves me right. I deserve the pain. And the head-splitting constant throbbing in my scull.
I never should have left Kyo. Not even for one night. I made promises to him and I broke them. And for what? So that I could fuck some chick for money?
I’m so disgusted with myself. I hope nobody will ever get to know about my shame. I don’t deserve to be called the responsible one, the kind-hearted one. I’m so ashamed of myself right now.
But the only thing that I really regret is abandoning Kyo. His parents abandoned him. His mind left his body and he was robbed of his life so cruelly. And I wanted to take away the only thing he was left with – home. I doubted my decision, my promise to be with him and to take care of him. I considered leaving him and going back to my old life.
Old life. What a joke. We’re never going to get our old life back. The life we had. And what else did I have? What else now was there for me without Kyo?
Nothing. I only had him. And I don’t understand how I could even think of dropping him back in that institution.
Please find some kindness in your heart to forgive me, Kyo. I love you, I swear, I really do. I’ll be stronger for you and I will never break down like this anymore. I’ll do that for you.
I love you, Kyo. I really do. With all my heart.
TBC

Forgot to put in the notes last time :P Chapter 11 started on the 14th of February, 2007. So almost 7 months have passed since chapter 9.
I don’t want to bore you with these dates, but they are important. The amount of time between each event makes the story to be logical. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense if Kaoru would take Kyo home with him and have this little breakdown after a week or two -_-
And as always – your comments are very welcome and always awaited! ^^
- 11
- 12
- 13
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Blurry Days