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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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--- 2007 autumn, around the 11th of October ---

Sometimes I think that time flies too quickly.
It seems to be ages since Die and Toshiya told me that Kyo was walking on his own around the apartment, that he came to my bedroom to sleep and that he refused the food for the whole time I was gone.
I told them it was not the usual behavior, that it was something completely new. I got worried and excited at the same time myself. The moment they told me all of that, I took Kyo to the kitchen to try to make him eat, even if it was already late in the evening. And Kyo did eat. As usual. Nothing seemed to be different in my eyes.
And later nothing changed. I put him to bed in his room and he slept through the whole night. And in the morning I found him awake as always and ready for the new day.
He didn’t walk on his own, he didn’t come to my bedroom or my study. Sometimes I start to think that maybe I made it all up and Die and Toshiya never said these things happened. Was I so desperately waiting for some improvement that I started to imagine things on my own?
I even asked Die and Toshiya to repeat the same to me. I didn’t want to think I was going crazy.
I put the plates on the table and sight. It’s quite cold today, but sunny. The autumn this year is very unpleasant – for most of the time cold and rainy and windy. We have to skip a lot of walks with Kyo. I don’t want him to get sick.
“The guys should show up soon, Kyo” I say and glance at Kyo. He’s sitting at the table and starring out the window. Even if it’s cold today, the sun shines brightly into the room and it feels a bit warmer and cozier.
“I don’t really want all of this unnecessary commotion myself, but Shinya would kill me if I didn’t want to celebrate the success of the new album of Yoshiki’s band. The music I wrote for all the songs was perfect. Or so all the reviews say.”
I shrug, but still feel proud remembering this.
“I know the album was released like…” I count in my head. “Yeah, like more than four months ago, but it’s just now that we finally managed to adjust the time that would be suitable for everyone. Die and Toshiya had a lot of shows and tours with their band.”
I look around and make sure it’s all spotless and perfect.
“And I think I told you your sister’s coming as well. She’s been neglecting you a bit recently, but you can’t blame her. She’s got a boyfriend now and I think she really wants to make sure the man is not going to run away from her.”
I can’t help but chuckle. The way she was talking to me about him seemed as if she was plotting a plan of how to make that man to fall head over heels in love with her. She really wants to get married to him. But from what she told me, I think he’s already in love with her. After all, she’s beautiful and intelligent. Who wouldn’t fall for her?
“And as she’s new at her job, she gets extra work from others. It always happens to the newbies…”
The doorbell interrupts me and I smile at Kyo.
“The guys are here.”
Later we all sit at the table. Toshiya and Die in front of me and Kyo. Shinya on my right. Kyo’s sister next to Die. The sun still shines through the window directly in my face, but as there’s nowhere to move, I try to ignore it.
“Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Shinya asks me silently and the others glance curiously at me. I shrug.
“It’s just me and Kyo this year, I guess. But I don’t mind.”
“I’m really sorry I can’t join you, but I’ll be going to meet the parents of my boyfriend, so I can’t invite you for Christmas or New Year” Kyo’s sister says as if feeling she has to say why she will not be here.
“It’s ok. We’ll be fine, won’t we, Kyo?” I look at him and smile. Kyo’s not eating for some reason, but is starring at me. Odd. He rarely does that. “Aren’t you hungry, Kyo?”
I put his hand on the fork again, but it remains still and the fork untouched.
“I guess it’s the first time we’re having dinner in such a big company. Maybe he’s just nervous.”
“Don’t worry, Kyo!” Toshiya laughs. “It’s just your ex-band members! No need to be shy as we already know all your secrets!”
Die laughs a bit along with me and his sister smiles as well. It’s odd how we all can relax and joke around in a situation like this. But I’m happy they accept Kyo the way he is now and didn’t turn their backs on him.
“Kaoru, if you’d like, you and Kyo are welcome at my place. We’re spending this New Year at home and would be glad to have you and Kyo with us.”
Shinya and his fiancée. I don’t know if I really want to do that. To watch all the love in the air around them. To see the happy couple in love and in the process of becoming a real family.
“Thank you, Shinya, but I don’t know yet. It’s still a lot of time.”
“Well, the way we meet once every few months, I wanted to ask you in person in advance. Just have in mind that you both are welcome.”
“Thanks, Shin.”
I glance at Kyo and he is still starring at me. I now know for sure that it’s really me he is looking at. His eyes are fixed on my face and it’s really very odd. I put my hand on his forehead to check if maybe he has a fever.
“What’s wrong?” I hear Die ask and I shrug.
“I don’t know. He usually never stares at me like that. Actually, he only stares at things, not at people. Preferably at things that don’t move. And he has never before denied food. At least as long as I was with him. He always has a good appetite.”
My hand falls from his forehead on his right cheek and I caress it gently with my thumb.
“Are you ok, Kyo-kun?”
He still stares at me and I start to feel anxious.
“Maybe it’s really just because of the crowd” his sister says, looking at Kyo as well. “He spends so much time with only you, Kaoru-san, that four extra people must seem like a crowd to him.”
I nod and take my hand off his cheek. She might be right. Kyo is really spending too much time in my company. It’s always just the two of us. But on the other hand, we always take a walk and go shopping and there sure as hell are tens and hundreds of other people in the streets.
I just don’t know what to think of this.
“And what about you two?” Shinya asks Die and Toshiya. “What are your plans for Christmas?”
Toshiya nervously glances at Kyo’s sister and I understand that he doesn’t want to reveal all the plans because she doesn’t know they are an item. Die clears his throat and I see Shinya blush a little, perhaps catching the mistake he’s done. But he remains calm and the girl is clueless to any possible meaning between the lines.
“We’re both staying home this year” Die says. So - the holidays at home. “But we’re going to visit those two during Christmas” Die nods at my and Kyo’s direction.
“Thanks guys, I’m touched!” I laugh and can’t keep the wide smile off my face. It’s been a good and calm week and I’m really enjoying the company of my friends. It’s been long since we all were at the same place together.
I glance at Kyo and narrow my eyes a bit, as the sun shines directly at my face. But as there’s nowhere to move, I have to endure the annoying light directed at my face.
This time I get really worried. I don’t even hear the chatter going at the table. All I can see is Kyo’s face. Or, to be more exact, his eyes. He’s looking at me and there’s something in his eyes… As if he’s not only looking at me, but seeing me. As if he really sees me.
I stare back at him, the smile vanished off my face and instead my mouth opened a bit in shock and surprise. Could I be imagining things? Could it be only my imagination going wild after so much time of waiting and expecting something, anything to happen, for his condition to change?
“Kyo?” I utter, not really knowing what I want to ask or say. I notice that others fell silent and are watching us intently. Perhaps they also noticed the change in Kyo’s eyes. I hope they did. I hope they can see the same I see. I hope I’m not just going crazy.
“Kyo, are you alright?” I ask, my voice shaky.
I see his eyes widen very slightly and this time I am sure he really sees me. His eyes are --- I can’t describe what I see. There’s so much in his eyes. As if all the emotions in the world would have been put in this one look. But pain, so much pain, was the strongest, the only thing dominant in that look. I could only stare in shock as I saw tears gathering in his eyes.
The world --- everything --- stopped for me. Nothing was important, people around us could as well have vanished as the only thing I saw at that moment was Kyo’s face and the only thing I heard was Kyo’s deep sharp breaths he was taking. His face, lit up with the rays of the sun, was so pure and looked so young, but so tired, so much in pain, so exhausted and so scared.
He slowly lifts his shaky hand, very slowly, and his fingers grab a hold of my sweater, grip it as hard as they can and he pushes his whole body closer to my one. Tears escape from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. But as the first ones escape, many others follow and he cries, cries so hard but not a sound escapes his lips, only the grip on my sweater becomes so hard that his knuckles turn white.
“Kaoru?” Kyo asks, as if not sure it’s really me.
I have to blink to make sure that this dream will not disappear. But Kyo’s really here, right next to me, sitting on a chair, gripping my sweater and starring at me with eyes full of tears. Did I hear him? Did he really call me by my name?
I have no time to think about anything else as Kyo’s whole body suddenly falls forward and he leans on my chest with all his weight. His head on my chest, his hand still gripping my sweater tightly, his tears soaking the fabric in no time.
He starts to weep, his sobs shaking his whole body with force. His sobs are loud, he almost chokes on them many times. But the grip on sweater only tightens.
Like in a surreal blurry nightmare I lift my hand and put it on his back. My hand is shaking, all I can do is stare down with my eyes wide at Kyo. Kyo, weeping bitter tears, clutching at my chest, crying his heart out in so much pain I have never seen in my life.
And my whole world turns upside down.

TBC

Originally the story should end here. When I had the idea of writing this story, I always saw it ending with Kyo having this one moment of clarity. He sees Kaoru’s face lit up by light and it just clicks and he for a moment remembers everything and recognizes Kaoru.
Well, now, after I have written so much, I feel that it would be too cruel to leave both of them where they are now. So there’s going to be more of the story, even though it’s almost done now. The fic was very angsty and depressing, so some good news would be welcome even by me ^^
The story came to my mind somehow with this scene in the kitchen – Kyo sees Kaoru’s face in sunlight, and something happens in his mind, he for a moment recognizes and remembers Kaoru. The scene might not have turned out exactly the same as I have imagined, but I still love it ^^ It was the cause for the whole story to be born ^^
I hope you’re happy how the events have turned out in this chapter ^^ Some progress in Kyo’s condition finally took place ^^ Yay!!! ^^
Umm… and of course comments, pretty please? ^^
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Blurry Days