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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
All lyrics in this chapter belong to Kyo!
CHAPTER 13

The days were so busy that nobody had time even to be angry with each other. But the mood still was tense. Toshiya was getting sadder with every day because Miyavi didn’t call him. Shinya and Die were still angry with Kyo and avoided talking with him. Toshiya was also still mad with Kyo and avoided him. Kaoru was the only one who would give Kyo instructions and say something during the day.
And Kyo ignored them all. He seemed to be deeply depressed about something. He got angry even if he failed to light a cigarette at once. He seemed to be on the verge of exploding from anger. But nobody volunteered to talk to him.
-So, the big day almost came, -Kaoru sighted. –Our first concert on Saturday.
-Everything’s going to be just fine, -Die smiled. –Relax, Kao.
-Guys, -Shinya cleared his throat, -I’d like to say something.
Everyone turned to him except Kyo who was sitting at the back of the table smoking.
-I know we all will be tired after the concert, but I hope that you’ll manage to come at my place for some hours. I’m having a little birthday party.
-Sure we’ll come! –Kaoru smiled to him.
-I’m coming if Kyo’s not going to be there, -Toshiya suddenly said. Shinya turned to him worried but didn’t manage to say anything because Kyo spoke.
-Don’t worry, I’m not going to waste my time at some lame party. I have more interesting things to do than spend my time with a bunch of fuckers.
-Kyo… -Shinya started, but Die cut him.
-Don’t waste your time, Shin-chan. It’s better for us all if he won’t come. We’ll be spared of a sorry sight for the whole evening.
Kyo abruptly stood up and took his coat then turned to look at the others. His face was so full of malice that even Kaoru felt uneasy just looking at him.
-You know what, Die? Some day Shinya will get bored of your sex obsession and your stupid jokes and will throw you out. I’m dying to see your fucking face on that day! You, Shinya… You’re just so pathetic! You love when he’s fucking you everywhere! We all saw both of you in the toilet going at it at least once! You’re such a slut, Shinya… You, my sweet Totchi… Need I even say anything? You let some stupid pop singer screw you almost in front of our eyes! Get real! He’ll never call you! He had you once and that’s all it took for him to see what a whore you are! You let yourself being fucked when he demanded it! You can cry your innocent eyes out in your bed every night, but you won’t have him! Never! And you… leader-sama…
Kyo’s face was one of pure rage now. His eyes had a mad glint in them.
-I hope that you’ll never ever be happy!
There was a pause. Nobody said a word.
-I hate all of you so much… -Kyo whispered and finally went out.
Toshiya’s lip trembled and he couldn’t take it any more. He sat down and started to cry.
-I know he’s not going to call me! –he sobbed. –But I want to be with him so badly!
Kaoru, who was standing closest to him, put a hand on his shoulder and said:
-He still might call you. He’s as busy as we are. Maybe he’s just preoccupied with his work. But if he won’t call you, you’ll have to accept that. You’re not a child, you’ll have to get through this then. Get a grip on yourself now.
Toshiya nodded and tried to calm down.
-He’s right about you two as well, -Kaoru said looking at Die and Shinya. –You should at least try and not be so public about the love making. I’ve seen you already twice. I don’t think I want to see Die’s naked ass and Shinya’s legs around his waist in my dreams.
-I’m sorry, Kaoru, -Shinya bowed his head slightly blushing.
-Please, Kaoru, try to understand, -Die said. –We barely have spare time these days and we get back from work so late and we have to get up so early. We want to use any possibility to… be close…
Kaoru sighted and rubbed his eyes with a hand.
-I know and I understand, just… Just try to be more careful and don’t let yourselves get caught in the act. Or better, stop doing it at work at all.
Both Shinya and Die nodded.
-So… -Shinya said warily. –What should we do about Kyo?
There was silence for some time. The guys only looked at each other.
-I don’t want to do anything, -Kaoru said finally. –If he wants to hate us, so be it. I’m tired of his hysterics.
-But what if he’ll try to kill himself again?
-So what do you want me to do? –Kaoru asked angrily.
-I don’t know…
-As long as he does his job well, I don’t want to hear anything else. He may do whatever he wants – hate us, slit his wrists with a knife, jump down from the roof or become a serial killer. I don’t fucking care! I’m tired of feeling guilty! Lots of couples split up! Why do I have to feel guilty for the rest of the eternity because I don’t want to be with him any more? I tried my best to help him but he’s just so preoccupied with pitying himself! So let him do that! He’s insulting all of us! I’m not going to stand it any more!
-Me too, -Toshiya said. –I’m not going to forgive him for that slut thing!
-I’m not going to listen to his insults as well, -Die said. –If he’ll ever again call my Shinya slutty, I’ll punch him so hard that he’ll remember it for several upcoming days. And don’t you try to stop me!
-We won’t! –Toshiya said and Kaoru nodded.
They turned to look at Shinya.
-I’m very hurt by his words, -Shinya said. –It’s hard to hear that your friend, with whom you spent all your free time starting from sixteen years old, says that your party is lame and that you and your friends are just a bunch of fuckers. He also said to me that… that he doesn’t want to see me happy with Die…
Shinya tried so hard not to cry but the tears ran out against his will. Toshiya and Kaoru just stared at him perhaps seeing the drummer cry for the first time in their lives. Die just sighted and put a hand over Shinya’s shoulders.
-He’s said so many horrible things to me… But he did it because he’s in pain that nobody can ease… He’s trying to hurt others because he himself can’t take all the pain he’s feeling… I want to help him, but I can’t… I can’t! I’m so afraid! I don’t want to loose him! He’s my friend! But he pushes me away so hard… he tries to make us all hate him…
-Shin-chan, -Die uttered. –You can’t help everyone in this world. Let him live his life and make his own decisions. Am I not the most important one in your life?
-Yes, Daisuke, you are…
-Then don’t think about him any more. We’d help him, Shinya. We all were his friends, but he decided that he’ll be better off without us. So let him!
Shinya rubbed his eyes and sniffed.
-I wish I could just forget him so easily…
-You don’t need to forget him, -Kaoru said. –But what you need to do now is wait. We all will wait for his apology. Otherwise we’re not the same friends as we were. He’ll have to understand what a bastard he was and apology.
-What if he’ll never do that? –Shinya asked silently.
-Then it’s going to be only his fault that he’ll be all alone, -Kaoru said firmly. –He has to learn to be strong.
-But he was strong, Kaoru… He was… -Shinya whispered and leaned into Die’s embrace. –But it’s hard to remain strong when you’re completely alone…
Nobody said anything more.
***
They were all ready: dressed and with a slight make up. The fans were all there, waiting for their idols to show up on the scene. There were only fifteen minutes left. But there was one problem. The vocalist was not there.
-DAMN IT!!! –Kaoru yelled throwing the phone down. He’s been trying to call Kyo hundreds of times, but the phone was turned off. –FUCKING DAMN IT! WHERE’S THAT FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER! I’LL FUCKING KILL HIM ON THE SPOT IF HE’LL EVER SHOWS UP!
Die, Shinya and Toshiya were also extremely worried. Should they call off the concert? Or should they wait? What if Kyo really did something to himself? The obscurity made them all so worried and tense. Kaoru was pacing in the room nervously, trying to suppress his rage. He worked so hard for the concert and now there might not even be one.
Suddenly the doors opened and Kyo came in. Kaoru turned to look and then exploded:
-FUCKING GO GET DRESSED AND GET YOUR UGLY ASS TO THE MAKE-UP LADY! YOU’RE FUCKING LATE!
Kyo dropped his bag on the floor and went to change his clothes. All other guys stared at him while he dressed as if being afraid that Kyo will vanish if they won’t keep an eye on him. Kyo stripped and was now standing with only his ‘calvin and clain’ boxers on. Then he dressed up with the stage clothes and went away not even glancing at other guys.
His make-up was done very quickly and being late only twenty minutes they were finally on stage.
***
Kyo liked the feeling that overtook him when he was in the spotlight. He loved singing so much! A smile lingered in his face for a second at this thought then suddenly vanished. He’s going to miss it so much…
Kyo was late on purpose. He didn’t want to face other band members alone for more than five minutes. And there was also other reason. More serious one. The fatal one…
He just stepped in front of the audience and the roaring of the fans hit him with force. Kyo always had the supernatural ability to hold the audience in his hands completely. So there was no wonder that when he lifted his one hand to ask for silence, everything quieted almost at once.
-Before starting the concert, there’s something I’d like to say.
Though Kyo tried hard to sound normal, he felt that he betrayed himself. His voice sounded so weak that it was barely heard even talking to the microphone. The throat hurt so much that it brought tears to his eyes. The pain was almost unbearable. Kyo tried to sound normal during the rehearsal so that nobody would suspect anything and now because of that he could barely talk.
Kaoru immediately sensed that there was something terribly wrong with the vocalist. He exchanged glances with other three band members and understood that they felt the same.
-There were two most important things in my life, -Kyo spoke up. –One of them I’ve lost. The other one is singing.
He was silent for some seconds then continued:
-My voice is my only treasure in this world… My songs are all precious to me… So today I’d like to start with singing two old ones, the ones that I love.
Kaoru looked at Kyo in disbelieve. What the fuck was he doing?!
-I’d like to sing to you ‘Mushi’ and then ‘Amber’. I’d like to put all my soul into them and share the feelings that I have in me with all of you.
Kyo glanced for a moment at Shinya and nodded, letting him understand that he can count them off. Shinya glanced at Kaoru and the leader just nodded. They couldn’t just start playing something other than those two songs that Kyo just announced. But he sure as hell knew that he’ll make Kyo pay for this little stunt!
The music filled the hall and Kyo closed his eyes. He gathered his strength and waited for the part where he had to sing. Though with every word he spoke, he felt pain tearing his throat and pass to his head, he tried hard to sing as best as he could manage.
He knew the words by hard and he started singing automatically, without even needing to concentrate hard. But he skipped most of the lines and sang only the ones he wanted, though he put all his heart in those several lines. He sang as good as never, screaming like there was no tomorrow. Screaming his despair out to hundreds of fans listening to him in awe.
I can't open my heart up to anyone
I can't believe in anyone at all
[...]
The shining light disappears, I'll die too
[...]
My past is my weakness
[...]
My heart is locked, it'll be broken soon
[...]
My heart showed me there is no reason to believe
A hypocrite who killed me
[...]
Holding back my tears I screamed every day
My heart has left me believing there is a reason to be strong
My heart killed me
At the end of the song Kyo found himself sitting on the stage floor, his head hung down, his body trembling from pain. He had to put the microphone aside so that the frantic breathing couldn‘t be heard to anyone. Kyo desperately tried to collect himself and try to manage to sing one more song. He felt the blood run down from his nose but he was sure that fans will think that all this was prepared from the start. But his hands trembled so hard he almost managed to hold the microphone.
When he heard the first accords of ‘Amber’ reverberate in the hall, he lifted his head and looked at the audience in front of him. He couldn’t suppress the tears and felt them run down his cheeks. It was more from pain than anything else, though the pain was not only physical.
Suddenly the sounds around him died down. He felt the pain in his head overtake his senses. The pain squeezed his head and made more tears to fall down and mix with the blood. But Kyo still managed to lift the microphone and sing the lines that he wanted:
[…]
I have no more......
I want to be with you more. I want to be near you.
I try to hide my weak tears behind a smile, but I can't hide anymore.
[…]
So this is the end I tell you, lights will be turned off and the stage turned to darkness.
Let me hear your voice more. I still want to be here.
Goodbye […]
My tears mix with blood […]
Until our voices go out, at last.
Let's sing until our voices go out.
He could barely hear his own voice so he didn’t even understand that at the end of the song he only whispered the last two lines to the microphone. His voice trembled so much that now not only his band mates, but also the audience felt that something was not really ok. Kyo felt as if the world suddenly quieted. His whole body started to tremble uncontrollably and he couldn’t even hold the microphone in his hand. It dropped down with a thud and rolled aside a little. The tears stopped but the blood ran down his chin and on his chest even with greater force. His vision blurred and he tumbled down on his back. He could see the blurred contours of the stars in the sky. He held his hand and tried to rub his head hoping that the pain would ease at least a little but it didn’t help.
He lay there hearing the last line of the song in his head over and over again until all the sounds died down completely and dead silence took its place, until the vision in front of him blackened.
Let’s sing until over voices go out…
***
They sat around Kyo’s bed in the hospital in silence. Kaoru finally calmed down and now was sitting with his expression blank, waiting for Kyo to wake up. Toshiya was scared. He sat near Kaoru looking at his hands on his knees and from time to time sniffed. Shinya was resting his head on Die’s shoulder. Die had one arm around Shinya’s waist and he was looking at Kyo with a worried expression on his face.
They all could only think about one thing. This was the worst time to have voice problems. Kaoru went hysteric when doctor refused to tell them about Kyo’s condition. He only calmed down when he was told to remain quiet or leave the hospital. So they sat in the ward waiting for Kyo to get his consciousness back.
-Nee, Shin-chan, -Die said softly, -he screwed up your birthday.
-I don’t care about that now, -Shinya answered silently.
-Why wouldn’t he wake up? –Toshiya asked desperately.
-Doctor said we need to wait for more than an hour, -Die replied.
-It’s already ten!
Die sighted and didn’t say anything more. He kissed Shinya’s head lightly and sighted again.
Suddenly they heard Kyo groan and they all immediately looked at him. Kyo slowly opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling. Kaoru immediately stood up and Kyo noticed him and turned to look at his band members. Kyo looked exhausted. He seemed to be completely oblivious to everything.
-Can you speak? –Kaoru asked and Shinya stiffened at hearing the harsh leader’s tone. Kyo slightly opened his mouth but his face immediately furrowed from pain. Then Kyo slowly shook his head. Kaoru sat again looking horrified. But he didn’t manage to say anything because the doctor showed up. It was the same doctor that treated Kyo more than a week ago.
The doctor came to Kyo and asked:
-Can I speak in front of them or do you want them to go away?
He then gave Kyo a journal and a pen and Kyo wrote his answer.
-Ok, then, -the doctor said. –The patient doesn’t mind your presence. You can stay.
Then he turned to Kyo and his face became very serious.
-I’ve warned you the last time to stop singing but as I see now you ignored the warning. I’ve told you very clearly that if you’ll continue to sing, you’re going to lose even the ability to speak. But you didn’t listen and now the damage to your vocal chords is irreparable. There’s nothing we can do. You might be able to say some words after a year or two. Or maybe you won’t be able to produce even a syllable for the upcoming ten years. There’s no way to find that out. The medicine in your case is helpless. If you would have listened to my instructions, you still could talk. But now the doctors can’t help you. Do you understand?
Kyo nodded. It looked as if he knew in advance what the doctor was going to say.
-Ok, then, -doctor said. –I’ll send a nurse later to give you some painkillers.
He turned and went away. Kyo didn’t even glance at his band members but looked at the ceiling again. Suddenly Kaoru stood up and kicked the chair aside. He stepped closer to the bed and took Kyo by his lapels making the shorter man look up at him.
-WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? –he screamed at Kyo’s face shaking the vocalist. –WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Die stood up and dragged Kaoru away from Kyo but Kaoru boiled over. Nobody has ever seen the leader in such a rage.
-YOU WON’T BE EVER ABLE TO SING? IS THIS WHAT THAT DOCTOR SAID? IS THIS TRUE?
Kyo nodded and wrote something on the journal then showed them all: I want to be alone.
-DID YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE?! DID YOU?!
-Kaoru, stop it! –Die tried but Kaoru didn’t even hear him. Toshiya put his head in his hands and started to cry. Shinya just sat there looking stunned and scared.
-I FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! I’LL KILL YOU!!!
The security showed up and asked them to leave but Kaoru didn’t even noticed them so Die dragged him out to the hall and when the leader wanted to go back to the ward Die hit him on the face. That helped Kaoru to snap out of the hysteria and Die took the chance and dragged him to the parking lot. Shinya and Toshiya followed them.
Kaoru shuddered from anger and other emotions that overtook him. They had a hard time to convince him to sit into the car. They decided to go to Shinya’s place because they didn’t want to leave Kaoru alone now and because Toshiya also looked bad.
When they finally were home, Kaoru was a little calmer. He sat down at the table and took out a cigarette. His hands trembled a lot.
-Do you want to drink something? –Die asked.
Everyone nodded and Die brought a bottle of tequila. But he knew that it’ll not be enough for this evening.
Toshiya and Die also started smoking and Shinya took a huge gulp of tequila looking at the birthday cake on the table. After ten minutes the bottle was empty but Die didn’t notice it because Shinya lied down and put his head on Die’s thighs. Die started caressing Shinya’s hair gently and was looking down to him. Shinya closed his eyes and sighted. Kaoru took a cigarette from Die because he’s finished his pack and started smoking again. He was pale and his hands still trembled.
Then after the prolonged silence Toshiya dropped the cigarette in the ashtray and started to sob violently. Kaoru rested his head in one hand and closed his eyes.

TBC

Author’s comment:
This is where I was aiming since the beginning when I started writing it and here we are – Kyo lost his voice :( This is actually one of the chapters in this fic that I actually like despite everything.
Comments would be lovely, guys! ^^
- 12
- 13
- 14
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Until You Lose Your Breath