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Tainted Love	By : FlameWolf666 Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Marilyn Manson Views: 3468 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Marilyn Manson or anything affiliated with him or the band. I don't know any of these famous people in real life and none of this story happened. This is fiction and just for fun. I make no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Warning!!!: Self harm! Parts that have Self harm will be marked with this symbol: ***
Author’s Note: ‘Two minutes. Two centuries. It all ticks by so quickly.’ - Pinhead

Chapter Thirteen: It Never Heals, it Never Goes Away

***Raven sat on the tile floor of her bathroom, her head resting on her knees and her shoulder length black hair hanging over her bare legs. Johnny had come back a week ago and him, Amanda, Charlie and even Jerome had tried to distract her from the aching hole she felt in her heart. She had done her best to put on a happy mask around them and slowly, over the course of a couple days, she had finally managed to get them to give her some much needed space. As much as she appreciated their efforts, she was also nauseated by them. The outings that had been forced on her had only served to remind her that she was out with Johnny, not Manson.
Heaving a shuddering sigh, the scantily clad female looked at an unassuming novelty pin that she had brought into the bathroom with her. She had never used a razor before and she didn’t aim to. Using a razor would mean she had a problem and she didn’t have a problem! She only did this to make herself feel better, to maybe relieve this horrible, aching pain she felt inside every moment she was away from him. Sighing again, Raven lifted her left hand and looked at the faint, cross-like scar that adorned the top of her wrist. At a certain angle the cross looked like it was upside down, which was what she had been aiming for when she first made it. That time almost seemed a life-time ago.
It had been so long since she had last done anything like this, she couldn’t help but hesitate. Logically she knew that hurting herself would only result causing more trouble but she still felt something inside her, urging her to relieve her pain in a very physical manner. Whimpering, Raven burrowed her head into her knees and grasped the top of her head with both hands. If she gave in to herself she would be letting down Amanda. Amanda, who had so long ago came upon her secret by accident. Amanda, who had made her make a vow to never do such a thing to herself again.
Making a low moaning noise, the underwear clad woman looked up the the pin’s round, black colored surface. The jaunty phrase ‘Don’t Worry, be Happy!’ was written across it in white, making her feel slightly sick about what she was considering using it for. Reaching forward with a shaky, pale hand, Raven grasped the round pin and flipped it around to look at the back. Her reasons for doing this so long ago were very different but the pain oddly felt the same. Closing her hazel eyes, she unclasped the long, sharp pin. Just the sight of the point brought back a lot of unwanted memories. Memories of pain and tears and blood. “Would Manson want you to hurt yourself?” she whispered quietly, her voice echoing slightly in the empty bathroom.
Tears beginning to roll down her pale cheeks, the distraught female stared down at the pin in her hand. The point almost seemed to be mocking her, calling her a coward for even thinking about doing this. Yet the aching, burning hole in her heart kept torturing her, making miserable tears roll down her cheeks. She wasn’t strong enough to resist the pull and she hated herself. She hated herself as she began to scratch at the faded scar on the top of her wrist. She hated herself even more for the instant relief she felt from the act. Guilty tears rolling down her cheeks, Raven left the bathroom and got dressed in her normal attire. Despite what she had done being very shameful, she would never hide it. Hiding it would only cause more problems.
***
Looking at the still dribbling wound, Raven steeled herself and went out into the living room. No matter what happened out there, she would bare it. As she walked out, she saw everyone was there and suddenly felt a lot more self conscious. Looking at Johnny and Amanda but avoiding Charlie and Jerome, Raven made her way to the table. “I… er… I,” she whimpered, placing her injured hand on the table with her other hand covering it purposefully.
“Raven... ,” Amanda whispered, moving towards her friend slowly. Worry jolted in her heart as she noticed how guilty and afraid Raven looked.
“Uh, Jerome, Charlie would you mind giving us some time alone,” Amanda asked gently, looking away from her friend to put her at ease. It wouldn’t help anything if she blew up at the already stressed Raven.
Johnny looked at the obviously distressed Raven and began to move toward her while Charlie and Jerome quietly left. The two men could easily sense the tension and decided to just leave as quietly as they could. “Raven?” Johnny whispered, stopping a few feet from the tense woman as the suite door clicked shut.
***
“I… I just… it hurt so bad… I couldn’t,” Raven whispered in a broken voice, removing her hand to reveal the very shallow, already scabbing, cross-like wound she had carved into herself.
***
“Oh Raven…,” Amanda and Johnny whispered in unison, both of them going to one side of her. Johnny gently lifted her injured hand to examine it while Amanda gently rubbed Raven’s pale, shaking arm.
“I’m not mad at you Raven, its okay. I’m just happy you told us. Its okay Raven. Let’s get you patched up. Johnny, would you stay here with Raven while I get the first aid supplies?” Amanda whispered, somehow managing to keep her voice calm despite her deep terror.
Raven sighed, sitting down and letting Johnny gently take her hand in his. He made a pained noise at the sight of her injury before taking her into a gentle hug. “Oh Raven I’m so sorry. I should have seen the signs. I should have known you were in pain. I failed you,” he whispered softly, tightening his hold on her slightly.
“N-no. Its not your fault Johnny. I should have had better control over myself,” Raven whispered, watching Amanda as she scurried into the hall. All of a sudden Raven knew her friend was calling Manson and she felt her entire world begin to crumble. What would the singer do when he found out? Raven shuddered from the thought, earning a concerned glance from Johnny.
In the depths of the bedroom in the back of the tour bus, a mass of limbs shifted. “Mmmmmph,” came a deep male groan as a pale form began to pull himself free. For the past few days Twiggy had been allowing him to use him as a sort of frustration relief. At least this way Manson could feel less like he was cheating on Raven as it wasn’t another girl. Twiggy had no illusions about where his heart was either. It seemed like the ex-guitarist merely wanted to offer the singer some much needed sexual release, no strings attached.
‘Last Day on Earth’ began to play, breaking the lazy silence of the sleeping lovers. A pale, tattooed arm immediately grabbed the phone as Manson sat up. “Raven?” he murmured sleepily, yawning and stretching.
“No, this is Amanda. I just kinda stole her phone. Listen, you need to get back as soon as you can,” came a frantic sounding female voice.
“What happened? Is Raven alright?” Manson asked, his heart feeling as if it had plummeted into a bottomless pit. Fear filled him in a cold rush as his hand tightened on the phone while Twiggy sat up behind him. He could feel his ex-lover looking at his back but ignored it for now.
***
“That’s kinda why I called. Raven… well she erm… she cut herself… on purpose,” Amanda replied reluctantly. She pulled the phone slightly away from her ear in preparation for a loud fit and she wasn’t disappointed.
***
“What?! How deep is it?! Is she in the hospital?! Was it a suicide attempt?!” came the frantic questions as he shot to his feet and began to pace. Still naked, his flaccid penis swayed almost comically as he moved. In another situation, the sight would have made Twiggy giggle a bit. As it was, Manson’s words had also filled him with fear. What would the singer do if Raven was seriously injured?
***“She just scratched herself with a novelty pin. Its in the shape of a cross and needs no special treatment. She’s not suicidal but the stress of you being gone is obviously getting to her. Why the fuck don’t you call more often?!” Amanda screamed, sounding panicked and accusatory.
***
“I refuse to answer to you for anything! I have my own reasons! Now, please, let me talk to Raven,” Manson growled, flipping between rage and deep concern. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Twiggy getting to his feet and shook his head. He knew from experience that what had happened was deeply personal to Raven. As much as he trusted Twiggy, it was really none of his business.
“No, the last thing she needs is you yelling at her!” Amanda hissed digging under the sink in Raven’s bathroom for the first aid supplies.
“Yelling at her is the last thing I’d do right now. I just want to make sure she’s okay,” he growled through gritted teeth as patiently as he could. If Amanda didn’t let him talk to Raven soon he would lose his tenuous grip on his temper.
“Yeah, sure! And you won’t call her while you’re on tour for some mysterious reason,” Amanda snapped back, gathering the supplies and beginning to head back.
“Look! Please, just let me talk to Raven. I promise I won’t yell at her,” Manson snarled, every muscle in his body twitching with his effort to keep from yelling.
“Fine, but if I hear about you yelling at her later I will never give the phone to her again if I have to call you,” the curly haired female whispered heatedly before fixing a smile on her face and gently giving the phone to Raven.
Raven looked at the phone then at Amanda, a horrified look on her face. At that moment she was very grateful for Johnny, who chose that moment to gently embrace her again. “Its okay Raven, he’s just worried. Besides, he needed to know as soon as possible,” Amanda assured gently, smiling at her friend guiltily.
“Raven? I’m not mad! I promise! Just talk to me! Please,” came a muffled, male voice from the phone. On the other end Manson had his mismatched eyes squeezed shut as he held onto his black phone tightly.
“Please baby, please talk to me. Just let me know you’re okay,” he pleaded as loud as he could without sounding like he was yelling.
“M-marilyn? I… I…,” came a whispered female voice, nearly making him collapse from the relief he felt.
“Shhh, its okay hun. Its not your fault and I’m not mad. Are you okay?” he asked gently, wishing he could be there to hold her right now. Twiggy shifted behind him as the ex-guitarist got dressed and quietly left the room.
“I… y-yeah. It’s not too deep,” Raven whispered, closing her eyes as the ache in her chest left for the first time in days.
“Raven, I’ll be stuck on this tour for quite a bit longer but I would like you to come see me. In the next few days our next city is gonna be Las Vegas. Can you make it?” he whispered, a bit of his blind panic leaving for just longing for her to be by his side. All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and kiss her wounds.
“I don’t have the money,” she whispered, ignoring the confused looks of Johnny and Amanda. Just the sound of his voice made her feel so much better and she found herself forgetting what had just happened.
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll arrange for the tickets for a plane tomorrow. I’ll set you guys up in a hotel and come to find you before the show,” Manson replied gently, stopping long enough to pull on a pair of black jeans.
“A-all of us?” Raven asked in a quiet voice, looking at Johnny and Amanda shyly. The pair looked back at her with a mix of confusion and concern.
“Of course! I wouldn’t make you travel alone right now,” he assured gently, fastening his pants and pulling on a skin tight, long sleeve, black shirt.
“O-okay. I guess I should get ready,” she whispered, looking unsurely down at her wound. Johnny was dabbing at it gently with an alcohol soaked cotton swab and Amanda was holding out a large band-aid.
“I can’t wait to see you,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. This latest incident had scared him more than he would ever tell her and he doubted he could sleep until he held her in his arms.
“Good-bye Manson, I love you,” she whispered softly, smiling as she closed her phone.
“Are we going somewhere?” Johnny asked gently, the tone of his voice saying he wasn’t about to let her out of his sight.
“Er, yeah. Marilyn seems a bit shaken up by current events so he’s getting us plane tickets to the city of his next show. We’re going to Las Vegas,” Raven responded with a weak smile.
“I guess that means Charlie is going to drive us to the airport tomorrow,” Johnny responded, kissing the band-aid on top of Raven’s wrist.
“Ugh! As if I can take more time off work!” Amanda grumped playfully, winking at Raven.
“Who’s going to take care of the pets?” Raven asked, looking from Johnny to Amanda.
“I’m sure Jerome won’t mind,” Johnny replied gently, running a hand through his short, black hair.
“I’ll go help Raven pack. You go talk to Charlie and Jerome,” Amanda suggested, grabbing the slightly shell-shocked Raven and steering her toward the the black haired female’s room.
Everything seemed to pass in a strange rush as Raven found events jumping in time around her. One moment she was packing under the watchful eye of Amanda. The next moment she was sitting on a plane, Johnny gently holding her right hand while Amanda looked out the window. Finally she was in a hotel room and putting down her suitcase while Johnny and Amanda did the same.
Blinking, Raven looked around the huge suite. It had three rooms, much like Johnny’s suite and looked very similar. “What happened?” she asked in a soft croaky voice, surprising everyone; including herself.
“Hey Raven, you’ve been in kinda a daze for the whole trip. We decided it would be best to leave you be,” Johnny replied softly, smiling with relief. The actor had a light stubble where he was once clean shaven. Raven was struck by the random thought that she preferred how he looked before he shaved for the vampire movie.
“You should grow out your goatee again,” she murmured randomly before simply flopping on the red couch. She missed the concerned look the actor and woman shared.
“Raven?” Amanda whispered in an unsure voice, moving toward her friend slowly.
“I’m okay Mandy, just a bit tired,” came a sleep muzzed, female voice from the couch.
“Ah, that explains a bit. When she gets over-tired she can get a bit weird,” Amanda explained to the slightly stunned looking actor.
“So that’s normal for her?” he asked in an amused baritone, short strands of his black hair hanging in his eyes.
“Oh you wouldn’t believe how weird she can get sometimes. There was one time where she was so tired she started randomly talking to dancing potatoes only she could see,” Amanda responded in an amused tone, dragging her luggage toward the bedrooms.
“I am still here yanno,” Raven grumbled in a playfully grumpy voice.
“Oh, I assure you I didn’t forget,” Johnny purred, kneeling in front of her and smiling.
“Stop that with the melty voice and cute face,” Raven grumbled, waving at Johnny tiredly.
“What if I don’t want to?” he whispered, coming a bit closer to the prone female.
“S’not fair yanno,” the black haired female grumped into the red couch cushion.
“What isn’t?” Johnny asked, tilting his head in confusion. His brown eyes rested on her form fondly, not wandering to any inappropriate areas.
“You’re so handsome. Can get any woman you want. You and Manson. What makes me so special?” Raven murmured, sitting up and looking at Johnny who was still kneeling in front of her. The actor was dressed in a skin tight, green t-shirt and form fitting blue jeans, a sight that would set any normal women to drooling. Even Raven felt drawn to the actor, almost feeling unfaithful due to her attraction.
“You’re a very odd person. You and Amanda. Neither of you treat me as a famous person or a pawn to get you somewhere in life. You treat me like just another person, something a lot of people can’t seem to do,” he replied sitting next to her and pulling her close gently.
Raven closed her eyes, breathing in his warm, comforting scent. Today he smelled of sandalwood, musk and the ocean, all scents she found profoundly comforting. Closing her hazel eyes and smiling slightly, Raven nuzzled into his lightly muscled chest. “Mmm, you smell nice,” she murmured sleepily, barely covering her wide yawn.
Johnny only chuckled before gently picking her up bridal style. “I’m so very glad you think so. Now, lets get you tucked into bed,” he whispered, his voice sounding gruff and uneven. Raven nuzzled into Johnny’s t-shirt, murmuring nonsense as she clung to his shirt with one hand. Fighting the urge to lean down and kiss her forehead, the tall actor gently carried her into one of the empty bedrooms and laid her in the turquoise bedsheets.
“Need to call Bri…,” she whispered, letting the secret pet name slip from her lips.
“Shh, let me handle that. Just get some rest,” Johnny assured her gently, pulling a light blanket over her still clothed form. He couldn’t help the thrill he felt at the grateful smile she gave him as she slipped into unconsciousness.
As quietly as he could, Johnny tip-toed from the room and pulled his phone out as he entered the living room. Looking at the slightly open bedroom door, Johnny slowly dialed out Manson’s number. “Johnny?” came a confused, baritone voice from the other end.
“Uh, hey Brian. We got here fine. Raven is asleep. Seems like she’s been awake for a few days straight,” Johnny assured, keeping an eye on Raven’s slightly open door.
“Make sure she stays safe. We’ll be there in a couple days at our current pace. I also have some good news,” Manson responded, sighing in relief as he sat out in the common area of the bus with his band and Twiggy. He gave an ‘Ok’ symbol to the people who stared at him anxiously and was happy to see them all have varying degrees of relief on their faces.
“Oh thank fuck,” murmured Ginger quietly, earning a nod of agreement from John, Pogo, Tim and Twiggy. Manson had let them in on the fact that Raven had self harmed but hadn’t told them any other details.
“What’s your news?” Johnny asked, running a hand through his short, black hair.
“Twiggy made some phone calls while I was talking to Raven yesterday. I only have to do the tour one more week,” he responded, excitement dancing on the edges of his voice like a giddy child.
“When did Twiggy get back?” Johnny asked, his voice tinged with confusion. Last he had heard, Twiggy had been gone for years with absolutely no contact.
“A week ago. He heard about Raven and was curious about a few things. Anyway, I have to go. Can you tell Raven the good news for me?” Manson asked, sounding distracted. They were just pulling up to a restaurant and the others were trying to force him off the phone to eat.
“Yeah, sure! I’m really happy you got a break. I’d like to hear how Jeordie managed that,” the actor chuckled, grinning from ear to ear.
“So would I actually. Thanks Johnny, for everything,” Manson replied sincerely before hanging up.
“You’re welcome. I’m just sorry that I’m in love with her,” he whispered, placing the silent phone on the kitchen table. Guilt began to fill him as he rested his elbows on the table, gripping his head in his hands. He wanted nothing more that to have Raven as his and the knowledge made him tear slightly at his hair.
Slamming his fist lightly down on the table, the lithe actor got to his feet with a determined look on his face. They were in fucking Vegas! He would be an idiot if he didn’t take advantage of this fact! A plan already forming in his mind, Johnny walked to Amanda’s closed door and gently knocked. “I’m going out to go get some supplies! Can you keep an eye on Raven for me?” he asked, excitement making it hard for him to stand still.
“Huh? Oh sure! I’m almost done unpacking! Would you mind picking up some coffee while you’re out? I’ll pay you for it when you get back,” Amanda replied, sounding distracted.
“Can do! Don’t worry about paying though! Its on me,” he offered before he sprinted out the door. He couldn’t help but giggle at his idea as he walked down the deserted hall to the elevator.
Two voices arguing playfully broke into the velvet comfort of her deep sleep. Groaning groggily, Raven sat up and rubbed her sleep filled eyes. Dimly thankful that she was still dressed, the sleepy female left the dark room to see Amanda and Johnny locking horns over the payment for an unassuming tin of instant coffee. “It was only a few bucks. I can assure you I don’t even notice the amount,” Johnny retorted, grinning playfully as he ducked a well-aimed swat from Amanda.
“And I told you I always pay for my own shit,” Amanda growled with a grin on her face as she shoved a handful of money into Johnny’s front jeans pocket.
Johnny reached to take it out of his pocket before Amanda grabbed his wrist, glaring at him with playful green eyes. “Take it out of your pocket and it gets shoved into your underwear,” she threatened, her voice deadly serious while holding laughter.
“Okay, okay! I give up! You win!” the actor conceded, a smile on his lightly stubbled face. Then, as soon as Amanda had her back turned, Johnny took the money out of his pocket and slipped it into her back jeans pocket.
Amanda whirled around, her hands on her hips as she pulled the money free. “Alright, I warned you,” she growled before pouncing at him, starting off an odd chase around the living room.
Raven watched the pair from the hallway with an amused smile on her face before clearing her throat to get their attention. Johnny and Amanda stopped in their tracks, looking at Raven abashed. “I’m sorry Raven, did we wake you?” Johnny asked gently, rubbing the back of his head while grinning.
“Ha! Got ya!” Amanda crowed triumphantly as she stuffed the small handful of bills down the front of Johnny’s pants. Johnny gasped, staring at the curly haired woman with astonishment as she laughed at him.
“Yeah, but I don’t mind. It seems like you guys were having fun,” Raven yawned with a tired smile on her pale face.
Sighing, Johnny pulled the small wad of cash out of the front of his pants and put it in his left front pocket. “Well, as long as you’re awake, I might as well tell ya the news. Twiggy is apparently back and he got Manson’s tour time down to only a week,” he announced, reaching over and giving Amanda’s curly brown hair a ruffle. Amanda protested grouchily, flailing at Johnny while sticking her tongue out at him.
“Twiggy’s back? Is Manson okay? When did he get back? Wait… did you just say he only had a week left?” Raven gushed out all at once, concern and excitement filling her voice.
“He came back a week ago and Manson seems fine with it. And yes, yes I did say he only had a week left,” Johnny responded with a grin.
Raven’s eyes went wide as confusion and excitement mixed within her. She could barely wait to see Manson but was also curious as to why the hell Twiggy had come back after all these years. She also had some rather strange images in her head of what the two could have been doing together for a week. She was well aware of Manson’s past relationship with the guitarist and the thought of them in bed together aroused her in odd ways, much to her mortification. “Unfortunately he won’t be here for a couple days,” Johnny murmured, his smile slowly disappearing.
“Two days?! I’ll go crazy!” Raven exclaimed miserably, throwing her pale arms in the air.
“Oh, I’m sure I’ll be able to keep you busy,” Johnny replied, a mischievous smile beginning to curl his lips.
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Tainted Love