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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Author's Comment: It was never supposed to be this long -_- I’m almost done now, I think, but there’s still like a chapter or two, or maybe some more… This story just won’t let me go -_- It makes me write things I never intended, thus expanding to no end O_o And I really don’t know why I am complaining, because I really enjoy writing it :P Perhaps I’m just afraid it won’t be good in the end :((((

CHAPTER 14

“Yes?”
“Hi, Kaoru-kun.”
“Hey, Shinya.”
“How is he?”
“The same.”
“Same?” I hear a disappointment in his voice.
“Well, he’s not talking to me. But sometimes it looks like he sees things, looks at them intently, but that’s all. Though I can’t be sure if I’m not imagining things sometimes…”
“The same…”
“…”
“…”
“Shinya, I told you I’d call if anything happens.”
“I know, but… I was really hoping he’d recover…”
What can I say? I was hoping the same too. But it’s been four days already and the incident in the kitchen as if has never happened. Though I cannot be sure about anything at all these days. I think sometimes he looks around as if he really sees the room and wonders in amazement where he is. But it can as well be my willful imagination. I’m not sure of anything myself.
“Kaoru, you seem… you seem to be too calm” Shinya says carefully.
“I just try to keep my expectations low, Shinya” I exhale the air I didn’t know I was holding in. It’s the truth. I might seem to be even indifferent, but I just try to live as we used to and see what happens. Others have gone crazy over what had happened, but I can’t be so naïve. If Kyo is ever going to recover, it won’t happen over one night.
“A little bit of happiness in your voice would do you good, Kaoru-kun…”
“You mean, would make you feel less miserable” I correct him and the silence on the other end confirms me to be right.
“You just seem to be very indifferent over what had happened…”
I hold in all I want to say to Shinya. He’s not trying to hurt me, he’s just being honest with me and I know I’ve been acting weird for the past four days.
“Shinya, please, get off my back, ok? I’m just… I just don’t want to keep my expectations high. The doctor said to just do the same that I was doing and if Kyo is already recovering, we’ll see the results sooner or later.”
“But what had happened is already huge! Kyo recognized you! After so much time!”
“Shinya, please, stop! Do you think I’m oblivious to that fact?! Do you really? I can barely sleep, all I can think of is that perhaps things will be well soon! If I wouldn’t hold back, I’d be mental already!”
Shinya keeps silent and I know I overdid it this time. He’s just worried and I’m the only one who can say yeah, don’t worry, we just had a chat with Kyo at the kitchen table and now are going to play chess with him. He has nowhere else to turn to, only me. But all I can say is the truth. And the truth, for now, is that Kyo’s behavior has barely changed. I have to be patient. Because it’s the time when I just can’t fuck everything up.
“Sorry…” Shinya says finally and I sight. I don’t want him apologize for nothing. “I haven’t thought about it from your perspective…”
“Can you call Toshiya to tell there’s no news this evening?” I ask. Toshiya’s been calling me at least three times a day. Shinya tries not to be so intrusive and calls twice – in the morning and in the evening. And Kyo’s sister calls whenever she can’t endure the waiting anymore.
“Ok, I will.”
Die also calls, but I’m not stupid. Of course there’s always Tosihya by his side, listening to our conversation. I’ll go crazy if they keep pressuring me this much. It’s not healthy.
“Sleep well, Kaoru.”
“You too, kid.”
“Kid?” I hear him chuckle and can’t help but smile myself a bit. This ‘kid’ is already twenty-nine years old. “Get some rest Kaoru, because you’re getting delusional.”
I can almost hear a smirk in his voice and smile myself.
“Say goodnight to Kyo for me, ok?”
“Sure. Bye, Shinya.”
I hang up and put the phone on the table. Should I just turn it off? It’s very tempting, but I can’t. I know that Kyo’s sister will be calling me first thing in the morning and she’ll get hysterical if my phone’s going to be turned off.
I head back to the living room and look for Kyo. He’s sitting on the sofa, looking at the window. I warily close the distance between us and sit beside him. I put my hand on his smaller one and grasp his fingers in my palm.
Kyo flinches a bit and blinks twice. But his eyes remain fixed on the window.
“Shinya says goodnight, Kyo-kun” I say silently, as if afraid to break the spell. The moment seems to be so peaceful, so full of hope and happiness, that I’m afraid to ruin it.
Kyo does seem to be aware of surroundings sometimes. I know it’s hard for me to be objective, but even I can’t ignore some moments when Kyo really looks at things, as if seeing them for the first time and trying to find a suitable name for what he sees.
He reacts to my touch for the third time since that day. If flinching can be called a reaction. I think it can.
I hold his hand in mine for some time, looking at Kyo’s face, but he doesn’t turn to look at me.
“Let’s go to sleep, Kyo. I don’t know how about you, but I’m dead tired…”
I take him to the bathroom and go through the usual routine. Then help him change into his pajamas and lead him to his bedroom. When he is in his bed, I sit there for a moment, on his bed, just looking him in the face.
Kyo looks a bit tired. His eyes blink sleepily as if he would be fighting the need to close them and the need to stay awake. I caress his head and finally lean down to kiss him on the forehead.
“Goodnight, Kyo.”
He immediately closes his eyes and his face relaxes.
I close the door behind me and go to have a cigarette. Die left me his and even though I managed not to smoke for some time now, I just can’t handle the stress and need them badly at the moment.
It’s still early when I climb in my bed. But I can’t sleep even if I try. I hate the nights the most. I can’t stop remembering that moment in the kitchen four days ago over and over again. I play it in my mind so many times that I start to think of the craziest scenarios.
Like, maybe Kyo just had one last moment of clarity and will now never again regain his sanity. Maybe he understands everything, but just can’t speak to us and tell us how he feels. Maybe he doesn’t want to get well. Maybe…
Too many of these thoughts. Stupid thoughts.
Desperate thoughts.
I can’t think of any reason why would he recognize me one moment, and the other it would all be gone. His eyes would get back at being empty of anything at all. Was this some kind of torture for me? I was ecstatic that day. Kyo cried his eyes out and when he finally calmed down, I expected him to start talking to us, to hug and kiss and finally be happy.
But it didn’t happen. He was the same – unresponsive and gone. As if the outburst of emotions never happened.
I’m happy I wasn’t alone that day. I would surely now think that I imagined the entire thing.
But he recognized me… said my name… He seeked comfort in my arms… Now all I want is for him to recover. To have this moment of clarity again. To come back to us.
Because if he won’t, I won’t be able to bare it…
***
I don’t remember leaving a CD on. And so loudly on top of it all.
I open my eyes and blink, my mind still slow after being woken up so roughly and unexpectedly.
The screams.
They sound nothing like Kyo’s screams in our songs. I’ve never heard such heart-tearing full of pain screams before.
I jump out of bed and practically run to his bedroom.
There was no CD on. It was Kyo. Kyo was screaming like there was no tomorrow.
I swing the door open and lunge at Kyo. He’s lying in his bed, curled up, his head in his hands, his fingers intertwined in his hair, pulling them out so harsh that he already tore some strands out and now they were lying on the pillow next to his head.
I grab his hands and with some difficulty pull them out of his hair.
“Kyo! KYO! It’s ok, you’re not alone! You’re safe!” I try to reach him, but he’s still screaming. Tears are at his eyes, but the pain comes from his chest, tears are just the result of the immense power he puts into making his lungs produce such unearthly, animalistic sounds.
“Kyo, please, look at me!” I can barely control myself. I don’t know what to do. He seems to be in so much pain and I can’t take it away.
I grip his hands tighter and finally manage to tear them off his head. I take both of his hands in my one hand and grab his chin with the other. In this situation I can’t be gentle. I force his head up in hopes that he’ll somehow look at me.
“KYO! Please, look at me! It’s me, Kaoru! Kyo, you’re safe!”
But it seems that my entire endeavor is in wane. He screams like there was no tomorrow and I can’t listen to it anymore. It tears my heart open and leaves it to bleed.
I force his head to my chest and let go of his hands. He immediately grabs my shirt on both sides and buries his head in my chest. He sobs and screams and chokes on the attempts to do both at the same time. His whole body shakes as if he was shocked with electricity. The spasms are weird and unnatural. His whole small frame shakes and cramps as if he was having some kind of seizure.
I hold him in my arms, keeping him pressed tightly to my chest and swing us back and forth in an attempt to sooth him.
“Please, calm down, Kyo. Please, you’re ok, you’re ok, nobody’s going to harm you, I swear” I chant over and over again. It helps the panic in my chest subside a bit. It’s been a long time since I was scared to death like this.
It was the middle of the night and Kyo was having a panic attack. Or at least that what I thought it was, because otherwise I have no idea what is this or what caused it. And most importantly, I don’t know how to help him. I wish I could, I’d do anything, but for the moment all I can do is hold his body to my one and try to sooth him, to sooth his pain and his panic and his tremendous fair.
He seems to calm down a bit. At least he doesn’t scream in that horrible voice anymore. He just wails and moans, the sounds muffled by my chest, but his grip on my shirt doesn’t lighten even for a moment.
Suddenly the doorbell rings.
It takes some time to understand what the hell is going on.
Somebody is at my door.
I have no intentions at leaving Kyo right now. Who comes in the middle of the night anyway?
But after six rings, somebody knocks on the door and I hear very loud voices.
“Police! Open up!”
Police? What?
“Sir, open the door!”
Police?
I look down at Kyo, at his death grip on my shirt and his shaky form. I can’t leave him now.
“OPEN UP THE DOOR!”
“Just a minute!” I shout back in frustration. Who knows, maybe if I won’t answer, they’ll break the door to get in.
Fucking neighbors. It must be them! They know I’ve got Kyo living with me! Why the fuck did they call the police? I didn’t have a breakdown and started torturing him!
I gently try to take Kyo’s hands off me, but as soon as I try to push him back, he clings to me tighter. I hear the knocking on the door again and with a heavy heart tear his hands off my waist using force. I make him lie on the bed and Kyo immediately whimpers loudly. When I go out of the room, I already hear him start to sob and moan with every minute louder.
I almost run to the door and open them. Immediately I am faced with two officers, both of them taller and much bulkier than me. They look at me with suspicion.
“We are sorry to bother you this late in the night, but we got a notice about a family row in your apartment.”
Kyo’s voice reaches the door and policemen freeze in their spot, listening for a moment.
“Sir, what is happening?” the other one asks looking at me. “We would like to enter.”
I try to stay calm and not just shut the door in front of their faces.
“I am living with a sick person and he has a panic attack. He was screaming for quite some time earlier. I managed to calm him down before you came. I can’t leave him alone, because he gets anxious immediately.”
“Could we still come in and make sure that everything is fine?”
Even if they ask politely, I can barely force myself not to show them a middle finger and shut the door. I step aside and start heading back to Kyo’s bedroom.
“I have no time for this” I mumble and enter Kyo’s bedroom. Kyo’s lying on his bed, still curled up and shivering, moaning and crying. I get back to the bed and sit beside him, putting a hand on his back and rubbing gently to provide at least some comfort. Kyo gets a bit more silent and his body becomes still the same moment my hand touches his back.
I look at the policemen who now were standing in the doorstep of Kyo’s bedroom and eyeing the scene. I bite my tongue to prevent myself from any nasty comments. I don’t need any problems with police. So I just wait for them so say something and finally get the hell out.
They look at Kyo for a moment and then one of them clears his throat.
“Do you need to take him to the hospital or will you handle this on your own, sir?”
“I’ll contact his doctor first thing in the morning. This is nothing life-threatening.”
I stare at them and I guess anger is clearly written all over my face as the other officer cringes in displeasure and turns to leave.
“We’re sorry we bothered you, but we had to check the information we got. You never know when it might appear to be very serious.”
I just nod waiting for them to go away at last.
“Goodnight, sir” the other one says and they’re finally gone. I quickly go after them and lock the door, then get back to Kyo. These few seconds that I’ve been away makes Kyo anxious again and as I enter the room, I hear him whimpering again.
This time I take him in my arms and he gladly shifts his position, his head on my chest, his arms around my waist once more.
We sit like this for some time and I rock us back and forth in order to sooth him. He calms down noticeably after some time and becomes silent. We sit like this and I keep listening to his deep breathing. But his grip is still strong on my shirt. So he’s still awake.
The silence is immense. In the middle of the night all is calm and it feels like we’re in another world, where only the two of us exist. Nothing and nobody else.
I kiss him on the head gently and put my cheek on the top of his head. His hair tickles my skin, but it’s a nice feeling. I feel like this is how we belong – together, so close to each other, with nobody else in the world around us. With Kyo, wanting, needing my presence. I know he needs me to survive, but I want to imagine he wants me to be around him.
“Kaoru?”
I flinch startled. It was so unexpected. His weak, small voice in the silence of the night sounded harsh and loud.
I look down at him and see him looking up at me. His eyes are bewildered, scared, confused and vulnerable. I can’t even grasp all emotions I see in them. His look grabs my heart and twists it harshly, making it crack and break, without any mercy.
I put my hand on his cheek and caress it very carefully and as gently as I can. I’m afraid to make even the smallest mistake.
“Yes, it’s me, Kyo-kun. It’s me.”
He looks me in the eyes and I still see so much confusion in them. He’s struggling with words and emotions. And he’s struggling to understand what he sees.
“Kaoru?”
“Yes, Kyo. It’s me, Kaoru. You’re right, it’s Kaoru.”
“Kaoru…”
Involuntarily a sob escapes my mouth and I bite my lower lip to suppress any other cries that might want to get free.
Kyo recognizes me. He really does!
Even though it’s as far as his mind goes. His eyes still look more like a scared animal’s than of his once mischievous and full of life eyes he had.
“Kaoru… Kaoru… Kaoru… Kaoru…” Kyo chants and buries his head in my chest again.
I hold him close and keep still, afraid this moment would go away if I as much as move a muscle.
Kyo’s voice gets weaker and weaker with time until it goes away altogether. After some more time his breathing becomes very calm and regular. I carefully move him away from me a bit and see that Kyo’s really asleep. His face looks so calm and so relaxed.
Should I let him sleep here?
But there was no way in the world that I would fall asleep now. My mind was a mess. I wanted to cry and to laugh at the same time. And I didn’t want to leave his side even for a moment.
I gently lift him in my arms and carry him to my bedroom. I put him on my bed and cover him with the blanket. He never even flinches. He’s deep asleep now.
I glance at the clock. 2:47A.M.
The only thing I want to do now is sit by his side and watch him sleep.
I can’t help but think about the future. The very morning that was soon to come. The day after that. The next week. The next month.
Would he really recover? Like, really recover? Talk to me, recognize me, his surroundings and other people?
My imagination goes wild and I try to think of how it all would be.
How Kyo would finally recover, would remember everything and everyone, would take his life in his hands.
What would happen then?
Would he move back to his house he has here in Tokyo? Would he get a job later and rearrange his life? Would he find a lover? Would he ever care about me at all?
My hand reaches for cigarettes, but stops in the middle of the motion. I’m not alone in the bedroom. No smoking when Kyo is around.
“Whatever happens, I just want you to be happy, Kyo…”
And when I voice it out, it becomes the only reality.
Whatever happens, whatever Kyo will decide to do, if he ever will be able to decide on his own, I will be happy with it. I will support him and help him as long as he will need my help. Nothing less, nothing more.
I lie down next to him and watch his face as he sleeps.
Many calls need to be done tomorrow. It’s going to be another stressful day. A day full of waiting and expecting and hoping.
My breathing equalizes with Kyo’s and it calms me down.
What I have now is real. The future is just one big vast unknown space that has no paths, no directions. All I can do now is enjoy these moments spent with Kyo. These moments that are still left for me. These moments that he is still here, right beside me.
Because in the end I don’t think my biggest dream will come true.
I will not be able to decide for him if he fully recovers. He will decide what to eat, how to dress and when to go to sleep. He will decide if he wants to move out and forget I was babysitting him or stay and be loved by me.
But if it were for me, I would make him stay. If I could decide for him, Kyo would never leave my side.
TBC
Comments are greatly appreciated! ^^ Makes me happy to know people read it! lol ^^
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Blurry Days