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Slow Motion	By : clandestinecassie Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > Panic! At The Disco Views: 2102 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Panic! At the Disco. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
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- 16
brendon could hear joe's voice but by then his mind wasn't making much sense of the words. the same thing kept repeating in brendon's mind: "there's been an accident...it's pete..." fear gripped brendon and the tiredness he had felt moments earlier had been replaced by an anxiety that filled his entire body.
he went to the next message, praying that it was all some kind of cruel joke. again it was joe's low voice filling his ears. "brendon...god where are you? we're at the hospital brendon...jesus..." brendon knew by the second message that it wasn't a joke. joe would never do that. he would never make that kind of joke.
something was wrong...something had happened to pete and brendon could barely keep his mind from racing. showing him pete in various hurt ways. the next eight messages were more or less the same, all lacking details and all asking where the fuck he was.
brendon was numb on the inside. the first message he had gotten was at one that night. that had been three hours ago and no one had called since three thirty. fuck, all he could think was that the worst had happened and everyone was too broken up to bother to call pete's ex fuck and tell him the older boy was dead.
brendon felt his heart beating too fast as he dialed joe's number. it rang too long and brendon paced his living room a million or so times.
"brendon? fuck where have you been?" joe asked as he answered the phone.
"nevermind that! joe, is pete okay? what happened? fuck, is he dead?" these questions rushed out of brendon's mouth so fast that he wondered how joe had managed to understand him at all.
"he-he's okay brendon." joe said, his voice small and tired.
"what hospital are you guys at?" brendon asked as he glanced around for his car keys.
"brendon, i-i don't think you should come up tonight...you can visit tomorrow..." joe suggested and brendon scoffed.
"no, fuck that. joe please tell me what hospital you're at!" brendon half yelled and half pleaded. his emotions were so fucking tangled that he didn't know what he was feeling, all he knew, all he cared about was seeing pete with his own two eyes.
brendon heard joe sigh and he felt like he could almost see joe, standing in a hospital hallway somewhere, debating whether or not to let brendon come to the hospital.
"we're at saint roberts hospital on lexington street." joe said and brendon was hung up and out the door before joe knew what had happened.
brendon tried to drive carefully but the panic he was feeling was too much for him to properly stop at stop signs. he vaugely knew where saint roberts hospital was and he tried not to think that it was the same hospital where they had taken ryan after his incident.
he arrived at the hospital and raced into the enterance. he spent three minutes dealing with a bitchy nurse who was working the nightshift and wasn't too happy about it. eventually she allowed brendon to go to the seventh floor where after exiting the elevator brendon spotted joe in the hallway.
he raced to joe and grabbed on to his arms when he was in a close enough reach. from the position in the hallway brendon could see andy and matt sitting down further at the end of the hallway in these little red chairs. brendon looked up at joe, his eyes wide and brendon couldn't wait, couldn't hold it in any longer.
"what happened joe? what happened to him?" brendon pleaded as he clutched joe's arms. joe looked tired, his blue eyes red rimmed and he had a deep frown on his face. he sighed a bit and touched brendon's arms.
"he-he tried to kill himself brendon." joe said and brendon felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. his mind could barely form thoughts let alone words, all he had in that moment, all he knew in the darkness of fear in his heart was holding on to joe.
"what?-what? how? why?" again the words spilled too quickly out of brendon's mouth but somehow joe managed to catch them all.
joe just kinda stood there and shook his head, his tired blue eyes falling downcast as he remembered.
"he tried to overdose on sleeping pills brendon." joe began. brendon's heart broke but he didn't interrupt, not this time.
"he was in the parking lot of that video store that closed down a few weeks ago...he took too many of his sleeping pills, i guess. he-he wanted to die....but i think he was afraid...he was afraid so he called patrick and told him what he had done." joe said. his voice was weak and thin as he told brendon of the events that had transpired.
"patrick called an ambulance and we came up here to the hospital...hell, we were here before he was. i-i've never seen patrick looked so afraid before. when they brought pete in, god he looked so pale, i was fucking scared...i thought he was dead...they pumped his stomach. the doctor's said they caught it just in time." joe had said and he pulled away from brendon and leaned against the rough hospital wall.
brendon knew this was the most serious he had ever seen joe. brendon wanted to ask if he could see pete but joe looked like he had more to say so brendon didn't really say anything.
"there was a suicide note in the car brendon..." joe began. brendon felt his insides freeze, pete was alive but hearing the words 'suicide note' made it all too real to him, he imagined the conversation they would be having if pete had died...and brendon never wanted to imagine such a thing again.
"you were mentioned in the note" joe said and brendon looked up, eyes wide and he could swear his heart stopped beating. his mind seemed kinda frozen, he didn't know, he didn't have any idea what pete would say about him his suicide note. the fight they had earlier that day weighted heavily on his mind.
"they gave it to us...if you want to see it." joe said. brendon found himself nodding before he even knew if he really wanted to see it or not. he was nervous to see what pete's dying thoughts of him were. joe pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and gingerly handed it over to brendon.
brendon took it, his hand shaking lightly. he unfolded it and his eyes gazed over the slightly messy poetic words of pete. it made his heart ache that pete had written the words on the paper with his death in mind.
the beginnings of the note were pete's usual poetic words dealing with his life and love and anything else that passed through his mind. he moved on to his mother, telling her it wasn't her fault, telling her he loved her more then anything else in the world and telling her he was sorry. all that but so much more beautiful and haunting then brendon could ever make it.
next it moved on to patrick. and brendon felt like he knew what was coming. in the wake of his death pete found no better time then to confess to patrick every sin he had committed, most of them with brendon.
"i'm sure brendon called you patrick. if he did it means you know what i did...god, patrick i'm so fucking sorry...it's true what he said, i've been doing drugs with brendon...i haven't been clean. i also haven't been faithful. i love you, i loved you more then i loved anything in this world but temptation is too strong and i'm less then a man. it's not his fault...please don't blame him. i always wanted to be the person you wanted me to be, but illusions are more my thing, so all i could do was pretend. i'm sorry, but i know you can do better then me...i love you patrick."
patrick's part was heart breakingly honest and brendon didn't know if he wanted to continue. his name had been mentioned...pete thought that brendon had made good on his word, he had thought that brendon had called and told patrick everything.
a cold realization hit brendon and he felt his chest clench up. it was his fault, pete had tried to kill himself because he had nothing left. brendon had broken it off with him, the drugs wouldn't make him happy anymore and he had thought that brendon had called patrick. pete thought he had nothing left.
the next part of the note was adressed to pete's friends and family and brendon wasn't mentioned. he didn't know if that was a good thing or not. the last part he found, to his surprise was adressed to him.
"brendon, kid, listen, this isn't your fault. you didn't fuck me up...i was broken long before you came a long...don't let them tell you it's your fault. you don't need the fucking burning guilt. i pulled you in, you were just a victim...caught in the tornado that was my life. regardless of what i said before i left, i did love you brendon, the affection was real and so was the love...i guess it just wasn't enough. i want to be that teenager again brendon, the one you used to look up to. maybe this is the only way i can be?
brendon couldn't hide that he was crying after reading the letter. it wasn't a lot but it was there, cool and wet on his cheeks. the words did little to ease the guilt he was feeling but he had to keep reminding himself that pete was alive. he hadn't carried out the deathwish...he was okay, he was in a hospital bed somewhere and brendon was desperate to see him and tell him that he never did tell patrick.
brendon closed the note back up and handed it to joe, he didn't care if he ever saw the crumpled piece of white notebook paper ever again. "can i see him?" brendon asked. his voice sounded clogged, like he had forgotten how to use it.
joe looked apprehensive, like he wasn't sure what to say. it was then that brendon noticed that patrick was no where to be found. he didn't know why he hadn't thought that patrick would be stationed with pete.
"yeah, you can...but not for very long." joe said finally and brendon nodded because joe could've told him that he had to cut off his own hand to see pete and he would've done it without complaint. he wasn't sure how patrick would react but at that moment he didn't care about patrick, not when there was only pete.
the hospital room was too small for brendon's liking. the long bed took up most the space. a black chair had been pulled up to the left side of the bed and a machine was to the right. in the bed was pete and joe had been right. he looked so unlike himself.
he was pale and he looked so weak with tubes and I.V's hooked up to him. he was asleep as far as brendon could tell but if brendon really looked hard, pete almost looked dead. he shook the thought from his mind as he watched the steady rise and fall of pete's chest.
joe hadn't come in with brendon but opted to wait outside in the hall. brendon moved slowly towards pete, almost as if each step of his would wake the sleeping boy. pete's hair fell limply into his face and his beautiful eyes were closed. his lips were paleish too and brendon didn't like it one bit.
he came to pete's side and pressed his hand into pete's, which was lying limp at his side. his skin was cold but brendon didn't mind in the least as he held tightly on to pete's hand. with his other hand brendon swiped the hair out of pete's face and looked down lovingly at the older boy.
he found it so odd that mere hours earlier he hated pete's guts and he never wanted to see the boy again, but now, now there was no where in the world he'd rather be.
brendon stroked pete's temple softly and part of him wished the boy would wake, just so he could tell him that he never told patrick...he didn't know if pete already knew. he leaned down his mouth close to pete's ear.
"i never told him pete, i never did tell patrick what you did." brendon whispered, pete's hair fluttered lightly as brendon spoke but he didn't wake up. brendon pressed a kiss to pete's temple before he straightened back up and looked down at the older boy.
suddenly the door to the room was swung openly harshly and brendon saw a blur of ginger enter into it. he looked away from pete, his hand still pressed to pete's limp one and brendon realized he was now standing face to face with the other love of pete's life, patrick.
"don't touch him!" patrick ordered as he spotted brendon's hand entwined with pete's. brendon let go of pete's hand and turned a bit. he didn't know what to say really but patrick looked mad. joe was standing just outside the door with a worried look on his face, it was obvious that he had been hoping that the two boys wouldn't meet.
brendon didn't know if patrick knew about the drugs and the cheating but judging by the look on patrick's face, he was sure that the boy did.
"you shouldn't even be here!" patrick began, his voice was low and harsh and brendon had never heard it like that.
"i-i just wanted to see if he was okay." brendon said and he felt slightly intimidated by the angry patrick.
"okay?" patrick scoffed. "this is your fault brendon! pete tried to kill himself because of you! of course he's not o-fucking-kay!" patrick half shouted.
patrick's words hit brendon like a ton of bricks. patrick was blaming him and the words pete had written floated back into brendon's mind.
"it's not my fault..." brendon said but his voice was lacking the power that patrick's had. patrick's eyes were wide like he couldn't believe what brendon was saying. he was still wearing that same outfit that brendon had seen him in earlier that day.
"it is your fault brendon! you gave him drugs! you kept him dirty when all i wanted was for him to be clean! you gave him drugs just so he would stay with you a little longer." patrick sneered.
brendon felt a low burn of anger in his chest. "it's not my fault patrick...he asked me for it! everything i gave to him was everything he asked for. you know better then anyone that pete always get's what he wants." brendon hissed and his fists tightened into balls.
patrick shot a glare at brendon and the two boys stood before each other, the tension thick in the room. brendon thought about leaving the hospital, he had made sure pete was okay and if he really wanted to check in on the older boy he could always come back tomorrow while patrick was at work.
"how could you do it brendon?" patrick asked suddenly, the anger making his voice deeper. brendon looked confused but he didn't respond. "how could you pretend to be my friend and all the while you're fucking my boyfriend behind my back?" patrick shot.
brendon frowned. he could understand that patrick was upset, didn't patrick get that he was upset too? why was he attacking brendon? why was he acting like pete had no part in this? brendon was getting angry and was losing the ability to let the things patrick was saying slide.
"you know i didn't force him to fuck me patrick. he wanted it. he begged me for it even." brendon sneered. he knew he shouldn't have said it, he knew it was innapropreit but fuck it, he didn't care anymore.
that seemed to make patrick snap. he rushed forward quickly and grabbed a hold of brendon's t-shirt with one hand and with the other he clocked brendon square in the jaw. brendon's head snapped back and patrick let him go. he almost slumped to the floor but caught himself and stood back up.
brendon spit and he smirked. "did you know he let me fuck him in the bathroom when i came over earlier?" brendon said with spite in his voice. he was doing it on purpose, he wanted to piss patrick off because he wanted patrick to hurt as much as he had earlier.
patrick looked furious and he pulled back to punch again but brendon moved this time and avoided getting hit. he turned quickly and socked patrick in the eye. by this time joe had come into the room and forced himself between the two boys. they were both breathing heavily and staring each other down.
"get out of here brendon...and don't fucking come back!" patrick hissed and brendon pushed away from joe because he wanted to leave anyway. he knew he shouldn't stay, it wasn't his place. he wasn't pete's boyfriend, he never really was so he had no claim to be there after all.
brendon didn't say anything to andy or matt as he left the hospital. his heart was racing quickly and he felt pissed off. his emotions were a jumbled mess and he really didn't know what he should be feeling. it was colder outside as he got into his car and sat in the darkness of the hospital parking and cried.
he was crying because of what almost happened to pete, because of the things patrick had said, because it was quite possible that he had just burned the last bridge to pete that he had. it didn't matter really because his life was so fucked that it could be anything that was making him cry.
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- 16
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