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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Author's Comment: Please be patient with this chapter ^^ It needs to be read slowly, not rushed… And whenever you see --- it means there is a pause in speech/though, so you should also do a pause at least for a moment ^^ Hope you will have enough patience with this chapter. So here we go… :)

CHAPTER 15

--- approximately a week later ---

All is so silent.
I like it. It’s calm, it’s bright, it’s peaceful, it’s warm.
The voice that I love so much is close by me. As it always is.
I know this voice. I know it.
And I know that I should remember the face, but I can’t. The face, if I look at it intensely, the face becomes familiar. Painfully familiar.
The face and the voice – they are not alike.
The face brings sadness with itself. The face ---
---
--- there is something about the face that makes me sad, but I can’t remember. And I don’t want to remember, actually… If some images surface triggered by the face, it gets too painful, too hard to bear and I don’t want that pain. No more of that pain.
---
---
---
Oh, those pleasant, soft melodies. I love them so much. They fill my mind and I feel so --- so happy. Those melodies --- I remember them. Those melodies make me feel… they make me feel nostalgic. As if there is something I absolutely must remember, because it was so wonderful, so glorious.
Those melodies I love so much.
---
---
The voice arouses me from my pleasant slumber. The melodies are gone.
The voice leads me somewhere and I follow. I always follow the voice I love. The voice I need.
Something bright irritates my eyes. But it is a bit cold. My skin feels like ice. It’s cold to sit here.
I hear my beloved voice near me and it becomes warmer. I huddle up in the warmth.
It smells so nice. My stomach growls and cramps. But soon I feel the familiar cold metal under my fingers and I eat. It’s so good, so tasty, so --- yummy.
My beloved voice mixes with other, unknown voices. I feel somebody touching me, kissing me on my forehead, but all those touches are not familiar. Alien to me. Unwelcome.
I turn to look around slowly and I see the face I should recognize. I stare at the face, but as hard as I try I can’t remember it. I can’t. I feel sad whenever I see this face. So close to me.
I feel a touch. A touch on my cheek. Gentle touch and sweet voice.
The metal under my fingers reappears and I stuff myself with something a bit spicy, but delicious.
The voices mingle around me. I don’t know them. I don’t care about them at all.
Alien voices.
And my beloved voice right next beside me.
---
---
---
It’s warm and so cozy.
I snuggle into the embrace that welcomes me. It always welcomes me. And it’s so nice to stay in those strong arms.
I hear the voice I love again. And then again.
---
And again.
---
I look up but instead of my beloved voice I see the face. That face again.
And I know I should remember it.
I look at the dark eyes, sharp lines of the cheekbones, curved nose, black hair, gentle look directed at me.
But… at the same time I hear the voice ---
The voice and the face? They are alike?
Can it be true?
Though… I know… I think I should know… something…
I stare at the face and from time to time the voice reaches my ears, but the face remains where it is.
There’s a name --- at the tip of my tongue. There’s something I need to know, even though I don’t want to remember.
I don’t, because the face bears pain within itself.
But at the same time --- I know I should remember the face, because it is important.
Can it be ---
“Kaoru?”
The eyes widen and fill with emotions and I hear my beloved voice again. That voice, the same voice, so long ago saying things to me I never even thought were possible. Saying the words of affection to me. Looking at me desperately, pleadingly, then scared and nervous, but full of ---
Love?
The voice and the face are --- alike?
“Kaoru?”
The voice irritates my ears because I can’t understand it. The message underneath it doesn’t reach me. But I want to understand. I want to understand all it says.
Was it important what he told me? Back then? So long ago?
Why is the voice I love so much intermingled with the face I’m afraid to remember?
Who is Kaoru?
Wetness on my cheeks proceeds to reaper and strange sounds escape my lips.
It’s so painful ---
Right here, right here where the hands touch me --- on my chest --- if only I could remember the things that were so important to me – the face that was so --- dear to me.
But I love the voice now. I love it so much that it’s painful --- physically painful when it’s not around me, when it’s gone.
Gone was the voice for so long and I was alone. Alone and scared. And hurt. Constantly hurt, over and over and over again. In that place. Without anybody to help me, to make the pain go away, to make the tears go away, to make the humiliations go away ---
---
It’s safe only here, in the embrace of my beloved voice.
I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to know who is the face I see and who is Kaoru, even though I know him. I should know him. Kaoru – the name seems so familiar, so important to me, but ---
I can’t quite grasp it. It slips through my fingers every time I try to shape it in my mind, to give it some kind of form that would be so familiar, so homey to me. Because I know it is.
I just can’t remember.
---
---
To remember the face means --- --- --- --- --- to remember something I want to erase from my mind permanently.
Why can’t it only be the voice? Only the voice?
--- only he. And I.
“I’m scared…” I hear myself, as if my inner self escaped through my lips and it feels strange to taste myself on the lips. To taste my voice in my mouth, roll it around with my tongue and let it escape.
“Don’t be, don’t be scared. You’re safe, Kyo! You’re safe here with me. Nobody will harm you ever again.”
And I believe the voice. I really do.
I snuggle into the warmth even more and clutch my hands on the voice’s body. It feels safe in there. And I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here forever.
Even if the voice hurts me. The more I seek to recognize the voice, the more I seek to understand the words the voice is saying me, the more pain I feel. The more horrible images arise in my head. The more often I see somebody being tortured, somebody small and frail, somebody vulnerable and I know the same is going to happen to me. And I know if I keep pressuring and insisting on remembering the voice, understanding it, seeking voice’s love, the more pain and torture would follow.
But ---
even if I am afraid --- scared to death
I need the voice beside me
I need it like air
I wouldn’t be able to survive without its love
because all else is nothing ---
there is nothing if the voice ceases to exist
---
Once it happened. Once the voice was gone and I was alone again. Alone in that place ---
I hear heartrending sobs, screams, wails, cries ---
All is painful.
All is sad – so sad, so hopeless, so dark ---
And just the voice I love so much helps me to surface from that darkness and pain and hopelessness and fear and heartrending wails and cries and sobs and ---
and I’m afraid to let the voice go. So I get a strong grip on it and not let go.
Ever.
I will never let him go.

TBC

Author comment: I want to explain the --- a bit more now :P This --- means that there is a gap in the trail of thought, a space filled of emptiness and absence of any thoughts and feelings, etc. --- helps to show (at least I hope it does) how the mind works, and how often it is void of anything at all.
So yeah, Kyo’s point of view… I wanted to do it and this time I actually tried, because it seemed to be more possible now than in previous chapters.
I actually don’t really know myself what I think of this chapter… -_- But I feel it was important to have Kyo’s POV in this story.
Now I leave it to you to judge what the hell turned out of all of this…
And of course - your comments are so very much appreciated ^^
- 14
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- 16
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Blurry Days