Blurry Days | By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this. |
Author's Comment: I seem to be unable to have italics in this webpage, so whenever you see a text put *in these little stars* it means it is a written text ;)
Ok, and now to the fic :)
--- the 16th of February, 2008 ---
I put the cake on the table in front of him and he looks at it with a little bit of curiosity in his eyes. But he doesn’t smile.
It’s very hard to make him smile and so far I barely succeeded. Kyo doesn’t smile. Not anymore.
“Don’t you like it, Kyo?”
“I do…”
“Well then what’s the matter? You should cheer up a bit, it’s your birthday today!”
He stares at the cake intently and seems to be thinking about something. I let him think. Sometimes it takes a lot of time for him to come up with the answer. If he understands the question at all in the first place.
“How old am I today?” he finally asks.
“You’re 32, Kyo.”
His thoughtful face becomes from serious to a face of a broken man.
“32?”
His eyes are fixed on the cake, but he doesn’t really see it.
“I don’t remember… I mean… when did I…”
“You’ve been gone for more than a year, Kyo” I say as gently as I can, even though you can’t wrap this horrible truth in any pleasant voice. “And you’ve been back for three years now. So… it’s been almost five years since… since that happened.”
Kyo’s hand spasms for a second and he clenches his fingers into a fist.
But he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t speak much now.
“Sorry, I completely forgot the candles. I thought I had them somewhere at home. But I don’t so…”
“It’s ok” Kyo interrupts me and I fall silent. I take the plates out and put them on the kitchen table. I cut the cake and put a piece for him and myself. Then prepare the tea still in silence.
It’s weird not to always talk to him. I was used to constantly talk to Kyo, but now… now it’s silence between us most of the time. It breaks my heart to see him suffer. And there’s nothing I can do to help him.
“Are you sure you don’t want to call at least your sister? She wanted to come over today so much. You shouldn’t hide from her. Especially on your birthday.”
Kyo shakes his head slightly, but doesn’t say anything.
“Toshiya also got very disappointed when I said that he and Die can’t come to wish you happy birthday.”
“Is he a five year old or what?” Kyo says with so much spite in his voice that I fall silent. Kyo said he didn’t want anyone today. He made me to make something up so that nobody would come over. And seeing the mood he was in, I couldn’t refuse his request.
“I want candles after all.”
“What?” for a moment I really don’t know what he’s talking about.
“Candles. On the cake. I want them.”
“But there are no candles at home.”
“Then go buy some.”
I stare at him for a moment.
“Okaaay... We have to change and…”
“No” he interrupts me again. “I’m not going. You go alone.”
“But Kyo…”
“I can stay for half an hour at home alone. I won’t need you to wipe my ass anytime soon.”
His words stab my heart painfully, but somehow I manage to get a grip on myself and stand up and nod more to myself than to him.
“OK, I’ll soon be back.”
I don’t want to leave him alone. I’ve never up until now left him alone. But he can take care of himself now. And if he wants candles… I will get them for him.
I step outside the apartment and hurry down the hall. Even if Kyo is fine on his own more or less, there’s no need to take more time than necessary.
***
Thirty-two?
When did I become from a twenty-seven year old guy to a thirty-two year old man?
Almost five years.
Five years.
I look at the cake Kaoru has baked me today and I want to cry. Tears stuck in my throat and I try not to let them out.
Kaoru…
No… I can’t go into those thoughts again. Not again.
He wants me to try to remember all the things I had to go through when I was gone. He thinks they will find the guy and sentence him to prison.
What for?
Will that bring the five years I lost back?
I don’t think so.
Even if they find him and put him to jail, I won’t feel any better.
If God exists, then devil exists as well. And it means heaven and hell do exist as well. So he will suffer sooner or later, burn in hell so to say.
But if there’s no God… there’s no life after we die. I’ll just disappear and cease to exist… And he won’t be punished. If there’s no God, it means that I can do whatever I please and I will never ever be punished for anything.
So what’s the point in wasting my time and suffering even more while telling all of what happened to me to people I don’t know? If there’s no God and no life after we die, I don’t want to waist more of my time here on Earth by remembering those horrid days…
Kaoru can’t understand that. He wants the guy to be caught and I can’t care less.
I just… I can’t go on… living like this…
When I sleep, all I dream about are these nightmares constructed from what I experienced. The nightmares never stop. They never let me sleep, get rest.
But when I’m awake…
I’m afraid, constantly afraid for my mind to leave me in darkness again.
I still have these empty moments that last for hours and hours… and I’m so scared that one time I just won’t come back…
It drives me insane – this constant fear.
And the rest of it…
I can’t look Kaoru in the eyes. He’s been… he’s been taking care of my empty body all this time… doing things that only one’s mother could do to you and you wouldn’t be ashamed.
How could he suffer living a life like that? Taking care of me like he did? I won’t ever be able to repay him… ever…
I just… I’m just so tired…
I stand up slowly and take the knife from the table, clean its edges with a towel and look at the sharp blades.
It takes just one quick and strong thrust. Just put the knife on the left side of your throat and cut it open in one quick and strong movement and it’s all done. I’ve had worse than that and this time I wouldn’t even suffer too much.
Just maybe… maybe I should leave a note for Kaoru to explain that it’s not his fault. I’ve been thinking about it for some time now and I’ve made up my mind. But Kaoru doesn’t know about that of course. So I must tell him it’s nothing he should feel guilty about.
I find a paper and a pen.
*Dear Kaoru, *
No, cross it out. Kaoru will be just fine.
*Kaoru,
This is nothing you should blame yourself about. It was my decision. *
Yes, totally my decision.
*I’m very tired. I have no will to go on living. And no purpose. *
Here, that should be fine.
Just maybe… he did so much for me, he brought me back… He’s the only one who deserves respect from me and I want him to know that I’m very grateful to him even I never asked him any of his time and efforts. I never asked him to sacrifice so much of his life for me.
*Please, don’t think of me as ungrateful… I’m very grateful for what you did for me… though I have never asked you to do so much for me, to sacrifice your life for the sake of my wellbeing… *
How can I put into words what I want him to know? What words should I use to make him understand how grateful I am, how happy that I have him?
*Don’t blame yourself for what I did. There was nothing you could have done to stop me. Believe me, please.
Kaoru, you’re the most important person for me right now. There’s nobody in the world left for me except you.
Of course there’s my little sis, who’s engaged it appears and soon will get married and move out from my house to hers and have her own family. I would gladly leave my house to her and she can go on living there. But she said her lover wants to provide her their home himself… *
She stayed in my house for some time after she graduated, because it was cheaper for her and the house was not abandoned anymore while she lived there. She could have it for all I care.
*Or if she doesn’t want the house, please, have it yourself, Kaoru. Live in it or sell it, I don’t care. *
But it’s not what I wanted to say. How quickly my thoughts wonder miles away until they leave me at all. It’s the most scaring thing I have ever felt. It’s easier for me to think than to talk now. Words often fail me.
*I love my little sis. And please tell Toshiya that I love him too. He’s been a good friend. Die and Shinya as well.
But nobody has ever done for me so much as you did. *
My hand stops again. My handwriting is messy and hardly readable. I am at a loss for words again.
*I’m not stupid, Kaoru. Maybe I’m crazy, but not stupid. I know you must feel… you must have…*
How the fuck do I say this? What the hell do I know? I think he loves me. Why else would he sacrifice so much for my sake? But can I repay him? If he loves me the way I think, he would want all of me – body and soul.
And I don’t think I’d ever be able to give him my body. He had it for all these years, but now… now I can’t give it to him anymore. Not the way he wants it.
Even though he never even mentioned he wanted anything like that at all.
*I’m sorry Kaoru, I really don’t want to hurt you like this, but… *
But what?
What?
I have a choice. I can live at least for him if not for anything else.
But how long will he let me be by his side? What will I do when I’ll have to move out? What will happen then? Because if I won’t be able to give him all he wants, I won’t be able to repay him in the best way he must want, he will want me out. He will want to get his life back, to finally get a normal job, a lover and I won’t have a place then in his flat.
My parents… the only thing they wanted to know was why I grew up to be gay.
I don’t even know where they got this information from. But they came to see me a few weeks ago and talked to me about my bank accounts, my house, my car and my preferences in gender.
At least Kaoru didn’t hear any of that. I asked him to give us privacy.
*Thank you, Kaoru-kun. Thank you. I…*
I love him. I do. But my love is heavily mixed with gratitude. And I always loved him as a friend. I came to love him as my only source of safety – the voice that followed me everywhere all the time.
But is it the love that Kaoru needs?
I don’t know…
I hear the door being unlocked and I freeze to the spot.
He’s back? This soon? How long was I standing here, with this piece of paper? Was my mind gone again for some time?
But I have no time to think about it. I glance around and throw the paper in the dustbin. I don’t want Kaoru to see it.
It’s too late now one way or the other. I will reconsider this again later.
When he steps in the kitchen again, I sit in my place and try not to look guilty. I don’t even know anymore what I want to do. I feel so confused. And so scared.
“What did you do while I was gone?” he asks and smiles a bit. He’s worried again. What did he see on my face? I glance down and see the knife too close to my hands. I know he left it near the sink when he went out. But did he remember that himself?
If he did, he acts like everything is fine. He takes the candles out and looks around for matches. I stand up and he glances at me questioningly.
“I’m tired. I’ll go lie down.”
I don’t wait for Kaoru to say anything, to protest. I can’t look him in the eyes right now. I can’t take all of these emotions anymore. They tear my heart apart.
I want to die.
I want to live.
I want to love Kaoru madly.
I want to hate him he made my mind work normally again.
I just… I’m so confused… all the time… and at nights I get no peace at all, because nightmares never stop…
At least now Kaoru is always just right beside me. There’s no point for me sleeping in my room. Kaoru has to run back and forth to sooth me all the time. So it’s better we sleep in his bed, so that every time I have a panic attack triggered by a nightmare he’s right there.
And it always helps.
It only takes Kaoru’s voice, his arms, his embrace and the nightmares go away.
***
I throw the candles on the table and look around. The knife wasn't here when I left. But maybe Kyo wanted to have some more cake? No, the cake seems untouched.
I sight and decide to clean up. It’s Kyo’s birthday today, but Kyo seems more than unwilling to celebrate. And I can’t really blame him for that.
I put the cake in the fridge and wash the plates, pour the coffee in the sink and lean down to throw away the coffee-grounds in the dustbin. A paper with Kyo’s writing immediately catches my eyes. I put the cup aside and take the paper and straighten it out.
It’s very short, but with every line I read I don’t want to believe it’s real.
By the time I finish reading the short note, my hands are trembling badly. I clutch the paper in my hand and practically run to the bedroom, fling the door open and storm into the bedroom.
Kyo is in bed, cuddled up in a blanket, but not sleeping, just resting. When I burst into the bedroom like this, he turns his head to look at me in surprise, but as his eyes shift to the letter in my hand, Kyo’s face becomes worried and even a bit scared.
I slowly approach the bed that used to be only mine for so many years and Kyo half sits, propping himself on the elbows, now seeming to be more irritated than nothing else.
“I want to rest, Kaoru. Can we not talk about this now?”
I really have to fight the urge to smack him. This is serious and he acts as if I want to talk to him about the unwashed dishes.
“No” I say through gritted teeth and Kyo glares at me. But I’m not afraid of his anger. Not right now.
“Kyo, this” I lift the paper to show him, “what is this?”
“It’s nothing, forget it and just throw it away…”
“I can’t and you know it! Were you really thinking of killing yourself? Are you still thinking about that?” I can barely keep my voice steady and not start shouting hysterically. I’m scared as hell. I didn’t know he was feeling this way and I don’t know how to deal with it. All I know is that I’d be devastated if after all this time of taking care of him in order to try to bring him back I succeeded only so that he could just kill himself later.
“When I was… at that place… I tried to kill myself so many times I have already lost the number. Kaoru, there was nothing I wanted more than to die… But… after my first two attempts it was made sure I wouldn’t succeed. And I still tried even then…”
I listen to his story not really wanting to hear it. I knew that what he has gone through must have been unbearable, but to actually hear it… It’s too much for me, too painful and I feel that my anger towards him is fading away with every word he says.
“I even tried to suffocate myself with a pillow” Kyo chuckles sadly, as if laughing from his own stupidity. “I tried hitting my head on the wall as hard as I could. I don’t even remember now all the stupid things I tried…”
“Please, Kyo, just promise me that you won’t do it again…” I plead in a silent voice. “You’re ok now. Isn’t there really anything at all that would make you want to live?”
The silence tears the wounds in my heart even wider and deeper. Kyo doesn’t say anything at all for some time. I guess I’m not in his list of important things after all.
“I can’t promise you that, Kaoru” Kyo says silently, not looking at me.
“Then you leave me no choice! I’m not going away from you even for a minute! I’m throwing away all sharp objects and anything that you could use! Even the chopstick and we’ll eat with our hands from take-out as long as it is needed!”
“I could just jump out of the window, Kaoru. It’s the sixth floor after all” Kyo says so calmly that it makes my skin grow cold.
“Then I’m taking you back to the mental institution! I’m telling them that you’re suicidical and they’ll put you in a straightjacket and lock you in a soft white room for your own safety! Do you want that, Kyo?!”
Kyo looks at me finally, his eyes looking scared.
“I’m not bluffing, Kyo! If it will help you to stay alive, I will do it! You’re going back even if I have to drag you there!”
Kyo looks really scared right now and I feel so bad for hurting him, but he leaves me no choice. The knife on the kitchen table now has a different meaning and I’m afraid even to think of what would have happened if I took more time in a shop.
“No…” Kyo shakes his head frantically and clutches the blanket in his grip tightly. He suddenly seems to be very scared. “Please, don’t do this to me…”
His voice is so heavy with sadness that my determination practically goes away that same second I hear it. I can’t hurt Kyo even if my intentions are the best. I just don’t know what to do.
I come close to him and sit on the bed, take his face in my hand and force him to look at me.
“Then promise me that you will never again even think of… of killing yourself. Please, Kyo, promise me! Swear to me!”
Kyo nods his head frantically, tears are already wetting his cheeks, his eyes roam around the room but never stay fixed on my face. This is bad. He looks as if he’ll soon be ‘gone’.
“It’s ok, Kyo, I’m not going to take you back there! I promise! Just tell me you’d never again try doing that! Please!”
Kyo nods very slightly, but that’s enough for me now. I hug him and he gladly lets me embrace him. We stay like this for some time, Kyo’s head on my chest, my hand on his back, the other in his hair.
I try to sooth him as much as I can, but the truth is, I’m so scared myself.
I might have lost him today. I might have lost him for good today and it would have been my fault despite whatever Kyo said in that letter.
“Kaoru?” I hear his muffled, weak voice.
“Yes?”
“Would you really do it? I mean, take me back to the institution?”
I sight and close my eyes for a moment.
“I would, because your safety and happiness is the most important thing now and if I can’t provide you that, I would do all I could to ensure you were at least safe from harm.”
Kyo keeps silent then again and I let him rest in my arms. He sometimes slips into these moments of vulnerability and at those times he doesn’t care to look weak and dependant to me. And these are the only moments now left for me when I can be close to him physically.
“Why do you care so much, Kaoru?” he asks unexpectedly.
“Because I love you, Kyo. You’ve been my closest friend for years.”
“But would friends sacrifice so much as you did? I’ve been a burden for so much time…”
“You’ve never been a burden” I immediately protest, even though it’s not completely true. “I wouldn’t have done that if I really couldn’t bare it.”
“Kaoru… I remember our last conversation before boarding the bus after the show…”
My whole body stiffens, but I try to be brave. I knew he would remember it sooner or later. I just wasn’t sure he would ever address this issue now.
“It’s… it’s not important now, Kyo” I try to force my shaky voice to sound aloof. I don’t want him to worry about my problems. If I’m in love with Kyo, it’s not his problem. He has a lot of them on his own.
I feel Kyo’s hands suddenly go up my sides and stay there, stroking my skin through the fabric of my shirt with his fingers.
“But I think it is” Kyo says and his voice sounds a bit hard to my ears.
“What do you want me to say, Kyo?” I feel desperate now, I just want him to forget this whole matter. At least for now.
“I want to know why you really took an unresponsive mental patient home with you.”
“I told you - I just wanted to do everything I could to help you recover, Kyo.”
“And to stare at the naked body of the object of your love? To grope me in the shower? To use me for your relief?”
I’m so shocked I can only stare down at him. Kyo should know me better than that! I’ve never done things like that! Never!
Kyo suddenly wriggles out of my arms and turns his back to me.
“I’m tired. Leave now. I want to take a nap.”
I still sit on the bed, unable and unwilling to move.
“I won’t try killing myself. I swear. Now be so kind and get the fuck out of the bedroom.”
I stand up and manage to move my shaky legs. When I somehow reach the living-room, I sit down on the sofa.
I must remember what his doctor told me. Kyo’s mind is still very unstable and fragile. He might behave strangely and unlikely to his old character. So this must be the most severe case of it. He must have said those things because of his condition, not because he really thought so.
But somehow… somehow I find it hard to believe that…
Kyo remembers my confession of feelings to him… And he is not stupid. He knows how many years I have taken care of him and only this fact itself suggests that I have deeper feelings than friendship for him. Because a mere friend wouldn’t be able to do so much. Unless he had very strong feelings.
Like mine…
I take the cigarettes and inhale deeply. The fuck do I care that it’s unhealthy to smoke! Not today!
I try not to think too much about it, but Kyo’s letter in my hand burns my skin.
Kyo is finally recovering, but… but it is still hard, even if I don’t have to do the usual things for him like washing and clothing him.
Kyo looks so sad and devastated all the time that it’s hard to even look at him.
I’m now afraid to touch him. I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I don’t want him to misinterpret my actions more than he apparently now already did. And it’s very hard this way.
I actually miss the old days as horrible as it might sound. Well, I don’t want then to ever return, of course not! I’m happy Kyo is recovering slowly but steadily. But… but I can’t control anything now. Kyo acts as he pleases and soon he will be gone for good from my apartment.
And I hate it. Life without Kyo would be unbearable.
It will be unbearable.
***
Kyo hasn’t talked to Kaoru for the rest of the day and it bothered Kaoru a lot, but he let Kyo have his space. If Kyo didn’t want to talk, then they didn’t talk. It was as simple as that.
In the evening though Kyo’s mother called to wish him happy birthday. Kaoru reluctantly watched Kyo’s face while he was talking on the phone. Well, all Kyo said were short ‘umm’ and ‘yeah’ and ‘no’, but his face grew darker and darker with every minute spent on the phone. When he hung up barely saying goodbye, he went back to the bedroom and closed the door. He spent the reminder of the day alone.
When Kaoru that evening went to sleep, he just said goodnight, but got no answer. Though he was used to it. After Kyo started to recover, he became extremely unsocial and detached. He never smiled, barely talked and was very harsh with everyone.
So when they both were woken up by the phone ringing next morning, Kyo swore loudly and hid himself under the blanket. Kaoru still half sleepy answered the phone.
“Yeah?”
“Hey Kao! Happy birthday!” Toshiya’s cheerful voice sounded in the end of the next line.
“Thanks, Totchi…”
Kaoru looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was already almost 10, so he couldn’t really say anything for an early call.
“What are your plans for today?” Toshiya asked, sounding hopeful.
“I don’t know… Nothing, perhaps…”
“Ahh, no! You can’t ignore your birthday! We’re coming to celebrate! I mean, me, Die and Shinya!”
“I don’t know, Totchi, it’s…”
“No no no! If Kyo didn’t want guests, we yielded, but it’s not Kyo’s birthday anymore, so we’re not going to accept any ‘no’s this time! See you at 6 in the evening, Kao! And don’t worry about the food – we’ll bring everything we’ll need. Booze included! Bye!”
“No, Totchi! Hey!”
But it was too late – Toshiya already hung up.
Kaoru threw the phone back on the table and closed his eyes. Actually, he wasn’t against the company – he welcomed it gladly – but Kyo was in no mood for guests and he was sure that nothing much changed since yesterday.
“What did he want?” Kyo’s voice resounded in the silent bedroom and Kaoru opened his eyes.
“They’re coming to celebrate my birthday in the evening.”
Kaoru waited for some reaction from Kyo, but there wasn’t any. He spent some more minutes in the bed and then got up. He needed to clean up. He didn’t really expect guests, so some more tidying wouldn’t do harm.
Kyo got out of the bedroom only several more hours later. He made himself sandwiches with ham and cheese, made a cup of coffee, took some chocolate muffins, some chips and some chocolate and resided in front of the TV. Kaoru looked skeptically at the amount of food, but didn’t say anything.
Later Kaoru had to work for a bit and Kyo never showed up in his study. Kyo never now listened to Kaoru play. Actually, it seemed as if Kyo was avoiding Kaoru as much as possible. Kyo only needed Kaoru when he had panic attacks at night or sometimes during the day. Only at these moments Kyo welcomed Kaoru’s touches and hugs. Otherwise it was as if Kyo never noticed Kaoru, even if Kaoru tried to do his best at making Kyo talk to him.
So because of this some company was welcome. Kaoru really missed some happiness in his life. Kyo was back and Kaoru lost him again. If he used to have Kyo’s body, now he not only didn’t have the Kyo that came back, but he also lost the soulless body he used to take care of all the time. And it was too much to bear for more times than Kaoru could handle.
Thus, when the doorbell rang and the company of his three ex-band mates burst into his hall, Kaoru gladly welcomed them.
“Here. Kaoru-kun, this is for you” Die thrust two bags with food and alcohol.
“Thanks” Kaoru smiled and took the bags. “Let’s head to the kitchen for now. The guests nodded and followed Kaoru.
“Where is Kyo?” Shinya asked, looking around.
“He’s in the bedroom” Kaoru said, trying to sound natural.
“Isn’t he coming to join us?” Die inquired and Kaoru just shrugged absentmindedly, while taking out the products on the table. It had all he rarely ate now – pizzas, burgers, take-outs from restaurants and a lot of alcohol.
“Is everything all right, Kaoru?” Shinya asked. “Why we really couldn’t come yesterday?”
“Kyo wasn’t in the mood, I told you that already.”
“Well, he can’t say anything today, because it’s your birthday, not his anymore” Toshiya grinned. “But we still brought him a present.”
Kaoru smiled a bit, but the sadness was hard to hide.
“I’ll go ask Kyo if he will join us” Shinya said, but still looked at Kaoru for permission.
“Just be patient with him, he doesn’t choose the right words, don’t be upset if he says something offensive.”
Shinya nods and disappears in the corridor. The bedroom doors are closed and he knocks gently, then waits. When nobody answers, Shinya clears his throat.
“Kyo-kun, it’s Shinya. Can I come in?”
There’s more silence than before and Shinya decides to just enter the room. The first thing he sees is Kyo sitting on the bed with a laptop in his hands. Kyo doesn’t look up when Shinya enters and this makes Shinya feel uncomfortable. He nears the bed slowly and sits on its edge.
“Hey” Shinya says and Kyo finally lifts his head, even though just very slightly. Shinya’s heart fills with warmth and love for his friend – lost for so long and finally found. Shinya still can’t get used to seeing Kyo as he and others don’t visit Kyo very often. Kyo’s condition is still unstable – he can easily get agitated, gets angry or panics easily, so they don’t come often. It’s better to leave Kyo in peace while he is still recovering.
“Would you come to join us? We’re going to eat some unhealthy take-out and have some drinks. We would love to have you there.”
“I can’t drink.”
“But why? You don’t drink the usual drugs, only some tranquilizers to help you to sleep.”
“Kaoru doesn’t have a drop of alcohol here.”
“Kyo, Die is also here! He made sure we’d have enough booze to make all of us drunk” Shinya smiles and is glad to see Kyo relaxing a bit and looking as if he would want to join.
“Kaoru will have a fit if I drink. I’m in no mood to argue with him.”
“Don’t worry, Kaoru is one against four, he won’t win this time. We really want to have you with us, Kyo.”
And to Shinya’s joy, Kyo put the laptop aside and stood up. They go back to the kitchen and as soon as Shinya entered the kitchen with Kyo, it got very silent and all eyes were on them. Kyo ignored everyone and wanted to go to the table, but on his way he was faced with Toshiya, who hugged him tightly.
“I’m so happy to see you, Kyo!” Toshiya said, but his hug lasted just for a split second. Die nodded at Kyo’s direction and Kyo answered the same.
At first it seemed that it was going to be a very tense party, but Toshiya took the initiative and they soon were talking. Well, all of them, except for Kyo, who was sitting at the table and just listening to all of them.
“Shin, is your wife still spoiling you or has she already turned into a strict controlling witch?” Die laughed and Shinya smiled a bit.
“I actually wish she was stricter with me, but she is very gentle and very caring” Shinya smiled proudly, obviously happy about his married life.
“Kyo, I told you we went to congratulate Shinya about a week after his marriage?” Kaoru asked, worried that Kyo would get upset being excluded from the events as important as this.
Kyo nodded, but didn’t look up from his plate with a piece of pizza.
“I think it’s about time for presents!” Toshiya announced as he pushed his plate aside. He was the first one to finish eating. Toshiya stood up and took a bag. He took out a box and extended it to Kaoru.
“Happy birthday Kao! It’s from all of us!”
“Thanks” Kaoru smiled and took the box. He unwrapped it and looked inside. It was a nice expensive-looking wrist watch.
“Wow, thanks guys! It’s cool!”
“You like it?” Die asked.
“Yeah, a lot!”
“Great!” Toshiya smiled. “Now, this one’s for you, Kyo-kun.”
Toshiya put the box in front of Kyo and Kyo slowly extended his hand and took it. He unwrapped it very slowly, even a bit reluctantly and glanced inside. There were black sunglasses and a set of jewelry with skulls.
“Thanks” Kyo murmured and pushed the box aside. Even though Toshiya tried not to show it, he was disappointed with the lack of enthusiasm and happiness in Kyo’s voice. Shinya smiled lovingly and glanced at Kyo. It was just things. Kyo now found no value in material goods and he understood it too well.
“Aww, I am so full” Die said and leaned back in the chair. He hugged Toshiya with his one hand and took a bottle of beer with another. “It was a hard day at work.”
Toshiya nodded and leaned in Die’s embrace a bit. He looked at his lover and smiled. He loved Die’s face, his big nose and gorgeous smile. At that moment Die looked back at Toshiya. He smiled to his lover and leaned down to quickly peck him on the lips.
Toshiya smiled widely and turned to look back at his friends, but the only thing his eyes settled upon was Kyo’s surprised eyes.
“Err… haven’t Kaoru told you, Kyo?” Toshiya asked trying to wriggle out of Die’s embrace, but Die didn’t let him escape his hug and Toshiya remained where he was – in Die’s arms. When Kyo just stared back at both of them, he continued. “Me and Die are together.”
Kyo shook his head very slightly and Toshiya smiled a bit.
“Well, me and this airhead are lovers for quite a long time now” Toshiya smiled a bit embarrassed and got a nudge from Die at the insult. He laughed and Die hugged him tighter and kissed him on the head this time.
“Why?” Kyo asked silently.
“What do you mean?” Die asked and Shinya and Kaoru looked at Kyo as well now.
“Why are you two together?”
“Well, because… you know…” Die thought with words not wanting to say the embarrassing ‘because we love each other’.
“No, I don’t” Kyo said sternly. “I don’t see any reason why you two would all of a sudden start to fuck.”
Toshiya lowered his eyes, feeling a bit insulted, but Die seemed not to take it to heart.
“Well, we not only fuck, Kyo. We work together, spend weekends together, go out together. We’re like a normal couple, you know. Like you and that guy from the Taiyo No Ao times were.”
Kyo’s eyes furrowed immediately.
“How the fuck do you know about him?”
Die looked at Kaoru immediately and Kyo did that as well.
“Some guy gave an interview for the press while you were still missing. He clamed to be your ex. That’s how your parents found out about your preferences in gender. Didn’t they say anything to you about that?”
Kyo shook his head and Kaoru sighted. In a way he was glad that Kyo’s parents didn’t mention this yet, but he didn’t really want to have a conversation about it so soon as well.
“Show him that newspaper, Kaoru” Shinya suggested and Kaoru sighted, but stood up. He kept some of the articles about Kyo and he definitely had that one. When Kyo looked at the picture of himself and the guy, his face immediately showed recognition.
“Ru-chan” he whispered and smiled very slightly.
“Ru-chan?” Die couldn’t help but repeat. Kyo nodded and touched the guy’s face in the photo.
“Yeah… His name was Kaoru and it felt weird if I called him that way, so instead I started calling him Ru-chan.”
Silence fell in the room while Kyo still looked at the picture lovingly. Kaoru couldn’t help but feel jealousy creep in his heart. There was so much affection in Kyo’s face.
“Your parents weren’t very happy after they saw this” Shinya said silently, knowing that Kyo will have to know this sooner or later.
“I know. They were very interested to know why I liked to have sex with guys, but didn’t explain where they got this information from.”
“Don’t take to heart everything they say, Kyo” Kaoru said. “Your parents are quite old-fashioned and it’s not a surprise they didn’t like to learn this about you.”
“Yeah, Kyo-kun, it’s no big deal” Die agreed. He tightened his hug on Toshiya and kissed his forehead lightly. “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”
“Wow…” Shinya exclaimed so unexpectedly that everyone turned to look at him. Shinya blushed just very slightly at his own reaction.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Shinya?” Toshiya asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
“It’s nothing bad! It’s just… I think it’s the first time Die said he loves you in front of us. I was really starting to have doubts as to why the two of you are together.”
Die looked embarrassed all of a sudden, but Toshiya’s face lit up in a huge smile.
“Yeah, well… it’s what we really feel towards each other and sometimes I think what I’ve done to deserve such happiness. Of course we have our disagreements and arguments, but we’ve been together for so long and we’re still insanely happy together. Isn’t that right, Die-kun?”
Die nodded, but still looked embarrassed. Toshiya was always better at expressing his emotions, especially in front of other people, so he let his lover do the talking.
Kyo suddenly stood up and turned to leave, leaving the article on the table.
“Will you be back, Kyo?” Toshiya asked, fearing that Kyo had enough of the company. He didn’t want to let Kyo go so soon.
“I’m in no mood to watch the two of you slobber over at the table” Kyo grunted angrily.
Kaoru sighted, hearing this remark. He watched Kyo leave the room and turned to look at his friends. Toshiya’s face looked a bit hurt, but Die and Shinya appeared to be only sad, but not offended.
“Is he always like this?” Die asked and Kaoru nodded.
“His doctor says not to pressure him and I really try. I give him space and let him do whatever he wants” Kaoru shrugs his shoulders. “I’m really happy he’s recovering so steadily, so I’m not going to do anything that could upset him. And he has all the reasons in the world to be angry and upset.”
“Did you ever talk with him about what had happened to him?” Shinya asked silently.
“Yeah… many times… But Kyo stubbornly refuses to say anything and refuses to give testimony to the police. He pretends he doesn’t remember anything.”
Kaoru sips from his bottle of beer and sights.
“In a way I understand him, but on the other hand… I really want the one who hurt him so much to be punished… From the nightmares he has I can only try to imagine what was done to him, but of one thing I am sure – it was really bad…”
They sit in silence for some time, all deep in their thoughts, until Die noisily throws his empty bottle in the dustbin and yawns loudly.
“Let’s not be so negative! It’s all in the past now. Kyo’s recovering, he’s back with us and it’s more that we could have ever asked for.”
Toshiya and Shinya nodded, but Kaoru has to bite his tongue to keep silent. Just yesterday Kyo thought of killing himself… He was far from total recovery. But Kaoru was there for him and he hoped that all Kyo needed was time and he’d be the same mischievous, happy guy he was once.
TBC
One thing I want to clarify :) After the very first outbreak of recognition of reality, Kyo constantly had these clear moments and also the nightmares. And after I included his POV while he still was in that poor condition, I just did not want to repeat myself. I do not see the point in writing scenes where Kyo recognizes Kao, or when he has nightmares, etc. So that is why this chapter starts already how it starts :) And I hope it doesn’t seem illogical or too huge of a leap in time and events. For me, it isn’t :P
And comments are always more than welcome!!! ^^
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