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Ship wrecked	By : KarinVAM Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 3333 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Bam felt like a thousand knives were slicing through his body as he saw Ville walk from him. And he wanted to make that real, but he knew he couldn’t. He wanted to feel those knives, now his mind was rapidly slipping back into his bottomless dark pit again.

But he didn’t deserve that. Ville had every right to be upset .He had no right to hurt himself and give Ville an even harder time. Nor would he kill himself, because he had made a promise to Ville. And frankly, that wasn't what he wanted anymore. He just wanted Ville.

He'd made a mistake, and the easy way out was for weaklings. He wasn’t one anymore.

But fuck was this hard. A loud sob escaped him and his body started to tremble. He had no right to feel sorry for himself, but he did. It hurt so much. So fucking much.

Ville could have hit him, or yelled at him. He could have called him names. Could have done a lot of things. It would all have been all right. But he left him. And yes, he had it coming. He had been needy, and wrong, and a liar. A selfish liar. Or maybe he had just hid the truth.

That was still the same shit. He had gone too far. And now he had to fix. If it wasn’t too late.

And if he only knew where to begin.

**

Ville had no idea where he was walking, but he kept on going as long as his legs would carry him. He stayed on the beach of course, still afraid of the unknown that was the dark and deep forest.

He knew that walking as long his legs could carry him, wasn’t a long walk to begin with. All the emotions rushing through his head and heart, all the adrenaline racing through his veins and his asthma soon slowing him down, made him sit down on the sand and watch out over the sea within a good seven minutes.

The sand was too hard for him to walk on, and honestly he didn’t want to go much further anyway. What if he got lost?

It would be dark eventually, but Ville tried not to think about that as he sat quietly by himself. Knowing Bam could easily find him if he came looking for him. He didn’t want to think about that either.

A tear slid down his face, but he didn’t sob. Not yet. He felt too stunned to break down, since his mind was still trying to understand what had just happened. All he knew was that he had never been so betrayed in his whole life.

And no this wasn’t even about the goddamn ship. It wasn’t about going back to Finland. It was about Bam not considering his feelings about all this. Not even considering it a possibility that once they would get out of here, he wouldn’t just leave Bam.

Did Bam seriously think he would just get back with Jonna after everything they had shared?
He couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to, not to mention how much he loved Bam.

God, he knew his attitude toward their relationship hadn’t always been…reliable. Bam knew he had been too scared and proud and whatnot to show his feelings. It had been hard to accept them, but he had. And this last month had proven he truly loved Bam. The way they had become a real couple in everything they did. He had given so much and cast his fears aside.
They are an item.

They were an item.

It hadn’t been enough, apparently. Because Bam seemed so positive he would leave him the moment they'd set foot on other land. How could he? After all he had done? Did he not understand?

He had a life back home too, and one had wanted back. Yes things would have to change, and Bam would fit in the whole thing somehow. They could have made it work, Ville was positive.

But he needed to go back there……he just had to……

It would have been wonderful for them over there.

But now all hope seemed lost.

And they both stayed where they were. Bam on the edge of the boat, and Ville at his spot at the beach. Bam wanted to go find Ville, but Ville’s warning had scared him. He didn’t
know what Ville would do, but if he saw the disgust in Ville’s eyes again, or heard him say he didn’t want him anymore, he certainly didn’t know if he could cope with it. It hurt too much.

He stared at the ocean, tears escaping from his eyes and sliding down every once in a while. And Ville did the same. Staring at the same ocean and thinking about how to go on. They were in pain, and it felt like there was a gaping hole inside their hearts that was bleeding so very slowly, until it would be the death of them both.

No matter what had happened, it was how each one of them felt.

And they were hungry, and thirsty, and tired. But neither one of them moved.

Neither one of them moved from their spots until the sun was slowly setting.

**

Evening was falling now, but Bam couldn’t get himself to lay down. There was only one thing on his mind and that was how Ville was always so afraid of the pitch black darkness. Especially on a moonless night such as this one.

Bam knew Ville was suffering from some serious night-blindness, and couldn’t see a damn thing at night, which made him so scared. For him it was actually quite the opposite, as his eyes adjusted quickly to light changes.

But Bam was cold. This was the first night without Ville and he was so cold he couldn’t stop shivering. Maybe that was because this time the cold didn’t just come from the cool air, but also from the inside.

But no, that wasn’t even that important. Ville was scared. He knew he was.
And that thought alone was unbearable.

Maybe Ville and him were over, but the least he could do was find him and be there for him.
They could be…….friends.

The though alone made him feel sick to his stomach, but he knew he made this happen. It was his fault. He had to take whatever he could get.

Standing up from the boat, he waited for the blood to rush towards his legs again so he could walk.

Hugging his arms around him and taking slow steps on the sand, he walked into the direction Ville had disappeared in. It was dark, but he could see more with every step, and knowing Ville, he knew they couldn’t have gone far.

He needed to find him.

**

Ville was scared. He had managed to make a fire for the worst cold, and it made him able to see his surroundings. But the dancing flames cast scary shadows around him, which made him whimper and shiver quietly in the darkness.

He hated this. He hated to be alone and depressed. He knew Bam and him had to team up again for the sake of their lives. They had found that out the first day on this island, and there was no difference now. They needed each other to survive here.

But forgiving Bam for what he had done…..he wasn’t nearly ready for that. And it could take a while before he would. If he ever would.

But being around Bam, treating him like just a friend, or just a guy he was stuck on this island with, wasn’t something he could do either. Because…for god sake he still loved the damn boy more than anything.

Not that it changed anything, because he knew he always would. He just didn’t want to be with him right now. Or did he?

No, he had broken his trust. He had hurt him too fucking much. Still, he wanted to be with Bam. But he didn’t……

It was so fucking confusing.

He was sitting close to the fire, and had no idea how much time had past. His mind was constantly somewhere else. With Bam, at home, or in his sorrow. Trying not to pay attention to the darkness.

He was so lost in himself that the sound of something moving on the loose sand nearby made a jolt of panic rush through his fragile body as he sat up straight.

There was something out there, and it was close.

“Hello?”

He knew his call was too soft to hear for anything or any one, but he was too scared to raise his voice. But when something moved again, now closer and he couldn’t help calling out louder into the darkness, wanting to be comforted by hearing some sort of answer.

“Who's there?”

Then suddenly, Bam’s familiar face appeared out of the shadows, lit by the firelight, and squinting his eyes against the brightness of the light in the darkness, making Ville almost fall back in shock from the stone he was sitting on with a loud gasp. He had not expected anything or anyone to be this close.

Plus actually seeing Bam here, made him sweat even more than he had before.

Once he had overcome the shock, he quickly tried not to pay attention to how beautiful Bam looked in the light of the fire. His eyes seemed to burn. So he quickly looked down.

Bam noticed this, and felt his cheeks flush. He had been so stupid, thinking Ville would be in the dark. Of course he had made a fire. He wasn’t in the dark and he wasn’t cold. He didn’t need him at all.

It had been so easy to find him, since the fire was the only light on the entire island. Still, when he realized Ville was not only not far away from him, but also not in the dark, he feet hadn’t stopped moving. He couldn’t make himself turn around, he just couldn’t.

And now he was here. And Ville wouldn’t even look at him. And what had he expected? Just this of course. Still it made him want to curl up and cry like a baby.

He had almost make a cocky remark when Ville called out. Who did he expect was there when they were the only two on the damn island? But Ville’s weak and beautiful voice made him unable to reply.

He had no right to make a cocky remark in his situation. Bam stood there in silence, as Ville looked at the fire with pursed lips and a frown on his tired face.

“Can I sit here?” Bam finally asked, hoping Ville would look up. But he didn’t.

“It’s a free island.” He simply hissed through clenched teeth as he shuffled to the side, creating more distance to the place Bam had pointed at, and himself. It wasn’t spoken loud, but it sure made Bam knew where he was still standing.

Bam was, all by all, relieved Ville still wanted to speak to him. He quietly sat down on the sand, close to the fire but far away from Ville. He didn’t want to press anything, seeing how Ville wanted to stay away from him.

And as they sat there, there was another awkward silence between them, looking at the fire. It warmed Bam’s skin slightly, but his heart only turned colder. Sitting near Ville without being able to touch him. Even talk to him.

Or maybe he would….

“Ville, I…..”

“Shut up Bam.”

Ok, that had been false hope. Bam obeyed without saying anything else. Ville felt more tempted to throw himself back into Bam’s arms and to forgive him than ever.

Seeing his boy sitting there, looking so sad and sweet. So goddamn gorgeous. That was why he refused to talk to Bam when he opened his mouth.

He wasn’t ready for this. Not nearly ready to forgive Bam for doing this to him. And he knew that talking to Bam now would be a betrayal to himself. He was worth more than letting this happen to him. Bam had to pay the price.

“Can I sleep here tonight?”
But when he looked at Ville with those beautiful blue eyes, with a question that broke his heart, he wasn’t able to pretend he didn’t care. He didn’t want to sleep alone. Nor did he want Bam to sleep alone. Despite everything, he still worried about him, even now. He didn’t hate him, even if he wanted to.

He only hated the pain caused by the boy. The pain caused by Bam’s doubts and selfish mind.

“Fine.”
And both men curled themselves up on the line between grass and sand, with their own arms around their own body’s for a change. Laying too far to exchange body heat like they always did. Too far to hear each others heartbeats. Racing now instead of the normal, steady pace.

Too far to sleep.

Not Bam or Ville slept one second that night, laying with their backs towards each other, and staring into nothing while waiting for the day to come.

Fearing what it would bring for them.

As always a special thanks to my angel Punksbitch, how is my light in the dark days! *Grins* Thank you sweetheart!
Ok, I know it's a little sad but...More to come! Please review!
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Ship wrecked