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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
--- 21st of July, 2008 ---

One more boring day.
Kaoru is asleep, even though it’s bright outside. He was working throughout the whole night and then dragged me to the meeting he had to attend in the morning. I would gladly not attend any of his work-related meetings, but after that unfortunate suicide incident he doesn’t leave me alone at all. He gets mental if I try to keep my ground and persist on staying alone at home.
Today he dragged me to the meeting with the Yoshiki’s band whom he writes music for. Shinya was also there. And even though it was not the first time they saw me after I started recovering, they still always eye me very curiously, as if I would start doing something crazy any minute.
Of course, they’re all polite and nice, asking about how I am feeling and so on, but I’m not stupid. I can see that my presence makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know how to talk to me. And I never look happy to be there. So today I also excused myself and went to the cafeteria in the same building to wait for Kaoru to be done with his job. He came down after a couple of hours and we headed home.
What the hell should I still do today?
I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking for days. I had a lot of things to consider and I came up with a lot of questions for Kaoru. But I don’t know if I really want the answers. Or actually, if I really need any answers.
I’ve met Shinya’s wife. They came to visit me and Kaoru some months ago. She’s nice. I can’t say anything bad about her and I’m happy for Shinya. They showed me their wedding pictures, we had some drinks and talked late in the night. After they went away, Kaoru was ridiculous – he told me he was proud of me that I behaved myself so nicely with Shinya and his wife. I just ignored his stupid comment.
I asked Shinya and his wife all the questions I had for them: how they met, how they got engaged, how they decided to move in together and decorated the house, I wanted to know all about their wedding and their future plans, and all about Shinya’s work with Yoshiki. I was surprised even myself that I was so interested to know everything. But Shinya was my friend and I missed a lot of years of his life.
As much as I knew about Shinya’s life, I almost knew nothing about what have happened with Toshiya and Die. I have so many questions, but I cannot force myself to ask any of them. I can’t stand seeing them together. And they both know it. My relationship with Die and Toshiya is very strained now. I’m just… I hate seeing them so happily in love. It was all so easy for them – they fell in love and they are together. It’s as simple as that for them.
When I look back at all my past relationships, I had to acknowledge that none of them were happy. My beautiful girl I loved so much when I was still in Masquerade. I never thought she could ever leave me. But she did and I had the hardest time ever recovering after the shock and the pain. Then four meaningless relationships followed. I tried to make myself feel better by fucking with the girls I met and thought of them as attractive. But none of the four I sort of dated managed to make me happy.
Only after a lot of time I fell in love again and it happened to be a guy. I was insanely famous already and Ru-chan adored the ground I walked on. At first I found it amusing and decided I would let this guy spend time with me. But after one night everything turned upside-down. He kissed me and did me a blow job.
It took me some time to come with the terms of me liking that kind of stuff with the guy. But I just couldn’t resist. Ru-chan was so naive, so kind and loved me so much. He taught me to understand that you fall in love with a person, not with gender. But Ru-chan was never just a rag under my feet. He wanted to be my lover, my equal and after some time he proved to be worth my respect. Ru-chan was actually one of a kind – I’ve never again met such a wonderful and good person. I was really infatuated with him. But not nearly as much as he was infatuated with me.
He would sometimes call me his God. In his eyes I was the most handsome man on Earth, the best singer in the world, the most funny and outgoing guy and sexy as no other living being. And I loved being adored.
But as usually happens in all the relationships, one of the two loves more than the other and Ru-chan was the one loving more. I found so much comfort in our relationship, I really fell in love with his personality, his looks and everything he was, but I was very afraid of somebody finding out about our relationship. And when I got to know that Ru-chan told his childhood friend about me, I panicked. For me it seemed as if it was a step to coming out. I was famous and if somebody would get to know about my relationship with a guy, it would soon spread to the public and be a threat not only to my personal happiness but also to the band’s wellbeing.
So I left him and Ru-chan once again proved to be a better person than me. He said as long as it makes me happy, he will let me go.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I haven’t left him. Would we still be together? Would he have suffered through the time while I was missing? Would he have done the same Kaoru did to help me recover?
I have no answers to these questions. And I never will. I dumped him a long time ago and everything changed. We’re not the same as we were back then. So there’s no way to guess.
Sometimes I want to contact him and ask him to meet me. But then I always change my mind. What would we talk about? He would feel awkward being around me and I wouldn’t know what to tell him to justify my need of meeting him. And what if he still feels something for me? Would he think the meeting means anything?
Maybe sometime when I will finally totally recover, I would visit him. But now there’s no point in doing that. I have actually nothing to tell him. I just want to see him and to make sure he is doing all right.
When Toshiya and Die come over, it’s as if they rub their happiness at my face. I hate seeing them happy.
Kaoru doesn’t say anything, but I see how disappointed he is whenever I say something harsh to any of them. I really try not to show my bitterness, but failed all the time up until now. But I know I will come over my jealousy of their happiness someday. After all, they’re my friends. My close friends.
Kaoru is my friend as well. He was my friend, but now I’m not sure what he really is to me.
His confession back then, before all of that happened to me… I never suspected anything, that’s why I was so shocked. I really didn’t know what to say to him. Kaoru? Liked me more than a friend?
I never had the opportunity to think about it. Soon after that I was…
This is the only thing I completely despise to think about. It’s enough I have to endure the nightmares that still feel so real. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s all so dark around me, I don’t remember that I’m not back in that place anymore. And panic overtakes me. I feel hopelessness and fear so huge that it takes over my mind.
And if Kaoru wouldn’t hug me, wouldn’t start talking to me and soothing me in a gentle voice, I don’t know if I’d be able to see where I really am until the light comes with the morning.
Only at moments like these I allow him to touch me.
What is he really thinking of me now? He’s been doing everything for me. I hate to even think about it, but I know he was not only dressing me, feeding me and taking me for walks. He was showering me and scrubbing me everywhere, he was taking me to the toilet and wiping off my ass for me. He knows my body now as if it was his own.
And this makes me feel so ashamed.
I hate to accept the fact that Kaoru had this much power over me for so many years. In a way he even had more power over me than my kidnapper did. At least I tried to resist when I was locked in that place. While I was with Kaoru, I couldn’t even say something against what was happening to me.
I know it’s not Kaoru’s fault, but this part really creeps me out.
But then when others talk about Kaoru and how he was taking care of me all that time, I can’t do anything but admit that without Kaoru I’d still be a veggie even now. An unresponsive bag of meat and bones. A mental patient. And I can’t even say Kaoru directly in the face how grateful I am for all that he’s done for me.
I know what he expects from me, but I can’t give him that. I can’t become his lover. And I’m afraid to tell him that. Because if I did, he’d be very disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause of his sadness. I don’t want to hurt him.
Perhaps I should talk to him about everything that is bothering me, but I just don’t have the guts to do that. At least not now.
And what is perhaps even more important is that I’m not sure how would I answer some of his questions. Mainly the ones concerning our future.
And it’s all my little sister’s fault.
When she visited me without her boyfriend for a change, she asked me one question that I’ve never before even considered.
We were sitting in the kitchen alone. Kaoru was working then still and couldn’t let himself waist his precious time. So me and my sis were having coffee with cake and talking. I still couldn’t use my own bank account until Kaoru was my official guardian. My doctor said for at least another six months situation wouldn’t change. So I asked my sister to help me out. As my parents were able to take money from my account, they would take some money and transfer to my sister’s account and then she would bring the cash to me. I wanted my own money back. After all, I at least wanted to be able to pay for what I bought when me and Kaoru were out. And I wanted new clothes, new CD’s and other shit like that. If I even mention that I want anything, Kaoru would immediately buy me, but I feel bad whenever he spends his money on me.
My sis of course agreed to that, but then she looked at me concerned and asked: “Have you already considered what will you do after you move out from Kaoru’s flat finally?” And at first I didn’t even understand the question.
Move out? From Kaoru’s place?
But then it clicked. Kaoru will loose the status of my official guardian in a matter of months. I’ll be announced to be sane and healthy. I’ll get the power of using my own money. And as I have my own house, I’ll have to move back to it.
And at the moment I understood this, my world came crashing down.
I remember saying something back to her, something about there being still a lot of time until I’ll have to think about it. And then I said to her I was feeling tired and wanted to go to bed. She just nodded and went out.
For the rest of the day I felt so miserable that Kaoru was extra annoying with the same ‘are you really alright’ questions. I wasn’t alright. And I wasn’t sure why.
It was just natural for me to move out. But somehow… somehow now I felt dependant on Kaoru. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. My only source of safety was Kaoru. I don’t know how I’d feel if he wasn’t around me 24/7. Maybe in a way I felt like this because I still had panic attacks during the night. But still… it wasn’t the only reason. It couldn’t be. And it was bothering me a lot.
What would Kaoru say about all of this? Would he be happy to finally get rid of me? Would he feel relieved? Freed from the burden? Would he be happy he could finally live alone, find a lover and bring him or her back at his place for sex?
I wanted to know the answers, but I was scared to hear them. I was afraid he would answer ‘yes’ to every and each of them.
I snort angrily, suddenly feeling angry on Kaoru.
I never asked him to sacrifice his life for me, so why should I feel guilty or in debt for him? If I only wanted, I could do just fine on my own! And I can prove it!
I stand up abruptly and practically run to the hall. I put on my shoes and head out just like that – in my jeans and a t-shirt. It’s hot as hell outside as it is the middle of the summer. I’ll go for a walk alone. I want to go out alone at least for once, without Kaoru trailing behind me! I can cope with my life alone! I don’t need him! I don’t need him at all!
As soon as I leave the building, hot air hits my skin. It’s a horribly hot day, but I don’t care. I head to the streets and just go ahead. There are a lot of people around me as always. Streets in Tokyo are always busy.
At first I just walk forward, not really looking at anything at all. But my pace slows down with time and I start to look around. An uncomfortable thought strikes me. What if that man would suddenly appear in front of me? What would I do? No, what would he do? Would he just grin like he always did and would drag me to his car and take me back to that place? And anyone around us wouldn’t even look twice at the scene?
I stop abruptly and frantically start looking around. This thought has never crossed my mind during the everyday walks with Kaoru. But now I was alone. He could easily kidnap me again. What if he was following us all the time and just waited for the perfect opportunity? Like this one?
No. No. I’m just being ridiculous. Of course he’s not here.
But maybe I should go back just in case… It wasn’t the best idea after all… I shouldn’t have gone out by myself.
I turn around and look at the view before me. All I see is people and alien streets. I look around for some time and with every minute my calmness starts fading away.
I don’t think I know where I am… Or more importantly, I don’t think I know how to get back home…
***
I have to admit it. Kyo’s not at home.
I’ve searched every corner of my flat, but he’s not here. And it’s not like he could hide under the bed or in a cupboard.
I try to keep calm and think rationally.
Maybe while I was asleep somebody came over and went for a walk with Kyo? But would they have left without at least a note to me? I don’t think so…
Did Kyo leave alone? Perhaps this was most probable. Kyo always complains how he hates the fact that I’m always around him, so he left somewhere, because he wanted his privacy and didn’t leave a note of where he went because he didn’t want for me to come there. And I’d do just that if I knew where he was.
But what if… what if something has actually happened to him? I have no idea what, but it was possible, wasn’t it? And what should I do now? Wait? Go look for him? If yes, then where?
God, this is driving me crazy! If only I knew when he left! I’d know when I can start to really worry.
I decide to have my supper for now. Maybe Kyo just went to a shop and be back soon.
An hour passes slowly.
Another hour.
By the end of the third hour I can’t find a place. I’m so worried I don’t know what to do. I call Kyo’s sister, but pretend I’m calling to just say hi while Kyo is asleep. She acts normal. Kyo’s obviously not with her.
I do the same with Die and Toshiya. Then with Shin. Kyo’s not there and I’ve run out of options. There’s nobody else he could go to. Except his parents. But they live in Kyoto.
Where the hell is he?!
Shit, I can’t panic now. But when I glance at the clock and see that it’s already eight in the evening, I can’t force myself to remain calm. What if something bad happened to him?
I storm to the hall and already want to put my shoes on, but then stop in the middle of the process.
Kyo doesn’t have keys to the flat. The only copy I have is still here, in the hall. What if he gets back when I’m out?
“Shit! Shit!”
I’m officially going crazy now. What if he’ll disappear without a sight again?
No, I’m just being paranoid. No!
I kick the shoes away and head back to the living room. I pace there for some time impatiently waiting for Kyo to get back. But another ten minutes go by, then another ten, and another…
When the clock nears nine o’clock, I’m almost reduced to tears.
What should I do? Should I already call police? What if… what if really something bad happened to him?
But suddenly the doorbell disturbs my thoughts and I run to open the door.
“KYO!”
I can’t help but shout out of joy seeing him at the doorstep. I want to lunge forward and hug him, but another person standing next to Kyo makes me not do that. It’s a policeman.
“Good evening, sir” he greets politely. “Is mister Nishimura living with you?”
“Yes, yes he is.”
Kyo looks at the ground all the time and doesn’t even glance at me.
“Then I leave him to you, mister Niikura. I’ve done my job and brought him back home safely. Have a nice evening, sir.”
He bows and disappears from my view. I look at Kyo still standing in front of the door and looking at the ground. I grab him by his elbow and drag him inside. As soon as the door closes behind us, I hug him with all the strength I have.
“Oh God, Kyo… I was so scared that something might have happened to you!”
I feel Kyo’s hands go up my sides and grab a hold of my shirt tightly.
“I’m so sorry, Kaoru” he chokes out the words and I’m shocked to understand that he’s crying. He’s clinging tightly to me with his whole body that starts to gradually shake from tears.
“It’s ok now, Kyo. Don’t cry. I’m not angry, I was just worried.”
I stroke his head as gently as I can, but Kyo’s body still shakes from tears and he’s still clinging to me.
“No, it’s not all right…” he says, his voice shaking badly. I try to calm down myself. How can I sooth him if I myself am a mess?
“I’m sorry, Kaoru… I went for a walk and got lost… I was so scared that I’d never see you again…”
“Shh, it’s all right now” I kiss him on the head gently and take him to the bedroom. I take off his shoes somehow while he’s still holding on me, and lay him to bed. Kyo never lets go of me and I worry even more - Kyo’s not having a panic attack, but he wants to keep physical contact with me.
“I’m so sorry, Kaoru… please… I was so… so scared…”
I hold him while he cries and sooth him, caressing him gently in my arms. He cries his eyes out until he finally falls asleep. I lie next to him, watching his face slowly sink in dark shadows of the night and finally the panic in my chest slowly goes away.
For a moment I thought I wouldn’t see him again.
I’ve already forgotten how horrible this feeling was.

TBC

I’m not really happy with this chapter. It turned out to be weaker than most chapters in this story -_- But I hope it’s still decent enough…
- 16
- 17
- 18
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Blurry Days