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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 16
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- 18
Toshiya lit a cigarette and sighted.
-What’s wrong with you today? –Kaoru asked. They had a supper at Kaoru’s place because Toshiya volunteered to bring a stake and Kaoru didn’t want to miss an opportunity not to cook for one evening.
-Nothing…
-I know it’s not true, Toshimasa, so don’t be childish and tell me because I can’t read minds.
-I’m not childish, Kaoru. It’s you who’s being immature.
-Oh really?
-Yeah! For how long do you intend to ignore your own feelings and finally do something about it? You’re just a coward!
-Toshiya…
-Don’t interrupt me! Am I not right? Why don’t you go to him?
-Because… It’s been so long… Things have changed…
-You know what I think?
-Yes, you’ve told me your opinion on this matter at least ten times.
-Well, I want to repeat one more time. Go to him and tell him everything!
-No.
-But why?!
-Toshiya, everything’s not that simple! So much time has passed…
-So what? I see him often enough to understand that he still feels something for you!
-He won’t believe me, Toshiya. I never even told him I love him. What will it look like if I’ll go to him now and tell him everything?
-At least you’ll know that there really isn’t any hope! I’m so fed up with your whining about how much you would like to turn back time and start everything over again! You still can!
-Toshiya, let’s not talk about it any more… -Kaoru pleaded.
-No! I want at least you to be happy if I can’t! If there’s only a slight chance for you to be with him, use that chance!
-I’m afraid that he’ll tell me to get lost and then I’ll never see him again…
-It’s not like you’re seeing much of him now, Kaoru, -Toshiya reasoned. –It’s been so long and you’ve never visited him at least once.
-Actually, I did…
-What?! When? –Toshiya was surprised.
-I didn’t tell you because I feel ashamed of what I did…
-What happened?
-I went to Kyo some months ago. We talked, drank and… we had sex…
Toshiya could only stare in disbelieve at Kaoru.
-Do you understand now, Totchi? I went there to him and I screwed him! He must think that I only used him as a convenience because I saw that he still loved me! And I never apologized after that. I left early in the morning before he woke up because I didn’t know what could I say to him after what had happened. I didn’t understand myself why I did that. Only now I finally understand that I loved him all the time… When I couldn’t see him everyday at work I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I just thought I’d pay him a visit. But after that visit I was even more confused. But now I understand that I was afraid to admit to myself that I fell in love with him. Because when you’re in love, you’re so vulnerable. You depend on other person, you’re weak… And I didn’t want to be that! I thought that I can manage on my own. I was happy with my band and I didn’t need any more problems. But since Kyo has disappeared from my life along with the band, I miss him every second. I’d give everything just to be with him again…
Toshiya stared at Kaoru with his eyes huge. Finally he managed to come over the shock.
-Kaoru, why didn’t you tell me earlier?
- I told you I was ashamed!
-But what Kyo thinks about what happened between you?
-How should I know?
-He was finally able to make love to you… You had to talk about that with him!
-I couldn’t because I didn’t know then what I truly felt for him, Toshiya.
-So why don’t you go to him now when you finally know what you want?
-Totchi, I already told you… -Kaoru sighted tiredly.
-You’re afraid of rejection? Well, you should! I bet Kyo’s angry with you. But if he still loves you, he’ll forgive you everything, Kaoru. He always was weak when it came to you. Perhaps you never understood how devoted Kyo was to you. He worshiped the ground you were walking on!
-I know and that makes me feel even worse. He did everything to please me and I only hurt him in return.
-You know what, Kaoru? Go and talk to him. If you won’t do this, then I’ll do it for you!
-What?!
-I’m serious, Kaoru! If you won’t go to him, I’ll do that and tell him everything. But it would be better to go for you. Kyo would like to hear everything from you.
-Don’t you dare…
-There’s nothing you can threaten me with, Kaoru! –Toshiya interrupted.
Kaoru suddenly calmed down and sighted.
-Ok, I’ll go. I would have gone to him one way or the other, just not so soon…
-It’s the wisest decision, Kao, -Toshiya smiled. –At least you’ll know for sure and if Kyo wouldn’t want you back, you could go on with your life knowing you did really everything to be happy.
-Why do you want so much us to be together again?
-Because I know how happy it would make both of you, -Toshiya smiled.
-Is it about him?
-About who?
-About your pop beauty?
Toshiya looked away and Kaoru saw tears in his eyes.
-Is he the reason of your melancholy?
Toshiya nodded.
-But it’s been so long since you last saw him!
Toshiya still was not looking at Kaoru. Tears were already running down his cheeks.
-Nothing has ended, has it? –Kaoru suddenly realized and Toshiya nodded slowly.
-We met accidentally and… you know…
Toshiya sniffed and brushed the tears away with the back of his hand.
-I couldn’t resist… I wanted to be with him one more time… Then after some time he came to me and we spent a night in my flat.
-He still keeps coming to you even now?
Toshiya nodded.
-I can’t say to him no. I try, but he always wins over me. I know that he has sex with others at the same time. He just likes beautiful people too much. I don’t even know why he ever bothers with me… But I can’t ask him not to come. I can’t do it because… because I don’t care if he’s not mine. I’m glad whenever he comes… I no longer can ask him to leave me…
Kaoru hugged Toshiya and waited patiently for him to calm down.
-You know, you can always move to some other apartment or even town, -Kaoru suggested.
-I don’t want to…
-But you should.
-I guess… I’ll think about it… Thank you, Kao…
-You’re welcome, Totchi.
***
Kaoru was never so nervous in all his life. It took him all day to finally leave and go to Kyo’s. And after standing in front of the door for more than ten minutes he finally rang the doorbell. But he was not prepared for what he saw. The doors were opened by Shinya.
-You? –Shinya was as much surprised as Kaoru.
-Hi, -Kaoru said. –I hope Kyo’s at home?
-It’s none of your business.
-What?
Shinya came out to the corridor and closed the door.
-I know that you were here and that you fucked him, -he whispered angrily. –You have no decency! You never cared about him! What do you want now? To repeat the same scenario? To come here and get an easy lay?
-No! I want to talk to him and you have no right to stop me!
Shinya didn’t manage to say anything in return because Die appeared in the corridor.
-Kaoru? What are you doing here?
-I came to talk to Kyo.
Die looked at Shinya then again at Kaoru and disappeared into the apartment. He came out a few seconds later caring his and Shinya’s coats.
-Let’s go, Shin-chan.
-No! I’m not going to…
-It’s not your business, Shinya! You can’t help all the world! They both are adults and they can clear things out by themselves! See you later, Kaoru!
And Die dragged Shinya with himself. Shinya managed to through an angry look at Kaoru before he vanished round the corner. Kaoru rang the bell again and soon Kyo appeared at the door with a puzzled expression on his face. When he saw Kaoru at the door he couldn’t believe his eyes.
-They went home, -Kaoru explained looking at Kyo. –Left us alone… to talk. Can I?
Kyo still looked at him not doing anything.
-Can I come in?
Kyo finally stepped back to let him in. Kaoru took off his shoes and went to the living room. Kyo followed him.
-I’d like to talk to you,- Kaoru spoke in the sign language and that only made Kyo even more puzzled and surprised.
-I learnt that quite well, -Kaoru smiled speaking again. –So you can talk in sign language and I’ll finally be able to understand you.
Kyo didn’t say anything and Kaoru sighted.
-I came here, because I want to tell you something, Kyo… I finally understand my feelings. I know now for sure that… that all this time since our first kiss in the bar…
Kaoru inhaled deeply and smiled.
-I fell in love with you then.
Kyo just looked at him completely dumbfounded.
-I don’t know why I can admit it to myself only now. It’s been a long time… But I finally realize that I love you. I don’t need anyone else in my life except you. Kyo, I know I hurt you so much, but please, could we start everything anew? I want you back in my life. I need you…
Kyo just looked at him. The expression on his face suddenly made Kaoru feel uneasy. Kyo didn’t look like he was going to burst out of joy and fall into Kaoru’s arms like he hoped. Kyo just looked at him with a strange expression on his face.
-Kyo, say something, please. Kyo…
Kyo just stared at him, but finally said:
-Go away.
-Kyo?
-Go away, now.
-Kyo, please… Listen to me…
Kaoru started to move closer to him but Kyo backed away.
-Get out!- He moved his hands frantically. -How can you do this to me? You selfish bastard! Get out of my house!
Kaoru just stood there frozen. He expected the fairy tale ending. He hoped that Kyo would be happy hearing that and would cry for joy. But now his eyes started to water not out of joy. It was anger and pain. Kyo started to cry silently.
-Please, go away… just go…
Kaoru obeyed and turned to leave. He could barely keep himself from crying. He thought Kyo still loved him. He really believed in that. But now as he saw the tears in Kyo’s eyes, he felt his heart break.
There was no fairy tale ending for them. And it was only his fault.
***
Shinya sighted for like a hundredth time. Kyo was still crying. He would calm down, sleep a bit and then cry again. Die went home to feed Miyu and Shinya was alone with Kyo again. Kyo asked him to go home. He actually did his best to make Shinya angry and leave him, but the drummer was just too stubborn. He wanted to keep an eye on Kyo just in case.
When Kyo told him what was that Kaoru wanted, Shinya could only clench his fists from anger. Next day he went to Kaoru to get an explanation.
~ ~ ~
-Why did you do this?
-What?
-Why did you tell Kyo you love him?
Shinya looked angrily at Kaoru and the older man decided to just answer.
-Because it’s true. I really love him.
-How absurd is that! You don’t give a damn about him!
-I love him!
-You never did! How could you just go to him and tell him that? Do you know how much he suffered when he lost the ability to speak? Where were you then, huh?! Where were you, when he tried to kill himself? Where were you, when he cried himself to sleep in my arms whispering only your name?! Where were you when every day for him was like eternal hell? He wanted you so much, he loved you so deeply but you just said no! You used him for sex after all that and dismissed it like a one night’s stand! What a monster you must be if you can torture him like that and after all this come and say you love him? If you’d have loved him all this time you wouldn’t have left him! I can’t imagine ever hurting Die in this way you hurt Kyo! It would break my heart! But you did all this coldheartedly and you dare now say you love him?!
Shinya had to stop here because he was almost out of breath. Only now he noticed that Kaoru was crying.
-I know I hurt him a lot… I know… -Kaoru whispered. –But I never wanted to do that… I swear… I love him so much…
Shinya felt that his anger started to vanish. He came closer and put a hand on Kaoru’s shoulder.
-Maybe you really do, but… Don’t blame him if he will not want to be with you again. I saw his pain because I was the only one who comforted him at hard times. That kind of pain is hard to forget and dismiss.
Kaoru didn’t say anything. He just leaned into Shinya’s arm and cried silently.
~ ~ ~
Shinya finally understood that it was not in his power to solve the problems of his friends. He gave his opinion to Kyo and went home with Die. Shinya wanted Kyo to be happy. He wanted Kaoru to be happy as well. But he couldn’t make Kyo forget Kaoru or Kaoru to leave Kyo in peace.
It was up to Kyo to decide. Shinya just hoped he’ll make the right decision even though there was no such thing in their situation.

TBC
- 16
- 17
- 18
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Until You Lose Your Breath