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The Paladin	By : Tcharlatan Category: > Toshiya/Die Views: 957 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. I do not personally know any of the members of Dir en grey, and do not profit from this work.

Chapter List
- 16
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- 18
June 18^th - 7:00 am
Kaoru sat with his back propped against a pile of pillows, a light blanket drawn up over his hips, and wondered – not for the first time – if he weren’t dreaming. Was he truly back in his own bed, in his own room nestled at the top of his family’s tower? After what felt like an eternity in pitch blackness and endless pain, it seemed too good to be true. Too easily won, and so too susceptible to being taken away. He shifted a little, and let the numerous aches and throbbing pains still plaguing his body convince him that he was indeed awake. Dark chocolate eyes lowered to examine his own battered frame critically.
The broken fingers on his right hand were trapped in cushioned aluminum splints, the bones painstakingly set back into place to heal. His hair was clean and straight again, but a few centimeters shorter than it had been. His arms, his chest, his belly were all wrapped in thin white bandages, and the faint smell of bruise cream and antiseptic surrounded him. Under the blanket, he knew that his legs were similarly wrapped up. The bandages were curious things; clumsily applied by unskilled hands to cover even parts of him without cuts or abrasions. Wrapped too thin in some places, too loose in others, with an uneven spiral and secured with way too much tape, the sight of them still made his chest flutter warmly.
Kaoru had been well tended to for the past three days, and he looked down at his personal “nursemaid” fondly. Kyo was curled up at his side, dead asleep with his cheek resting on Kaoru’s thigh, oblivious to the older man’s hand stroking through his hair. The little blonde had no training or experience administering first aid, but Kaoru had steadfastly refused to let Dr. Bao seem him in this state. He was also uncomfortable with Shinya seeing him naked, and the younger man had only been allowed to set and splint Kaoru’s broken fingers. So on top of the phenomenal amount of work required to keep the family business running smoothly, Kyo had taken on the task of tending to his lover.
Every day, he unwrapped the cloths, helped Kaoru through the shower, applied wound creams to every last bruise, cut, welt, and burn, then rewrapped him again in fresh bandages. He changed the sheets on their bed, helped Kaoru to dress in comfortable pajamas, brought him small, simple meals every couple hours, kept him entertained in the few hours that he spent awake, even switched out all of the light bulbs in the bedroom and bathroom with darker ones. Normal levels of light still hurt his eyes, but he’d woken once to a pitch black bedroom and had suffered such a violent panic attack – thinking that he was still blindfolded in that cement room – that they’d taken to keeping at least one lamp on at all times.
But for all of his lover’s devotion, attention, and care, Kaoru could feel some part of himself refusing to recover. His wounds were healing, he was already slowly regaining some of the weight he’d lost, and he knew in his head that he was safe in his home, but still he felt as if it would all be torn away any moment. Hideki was still out there somewhere, seething and bitter and sadistic, and Die was with him. Not here where he was supposed to be, where Kaoru needed him to be, and as selfish as Kaoru knew he was being, he couldn’t help but resent his friend’s absence. He knew he would still be in Hideki’s clutches if Die hadn’t traded places with him, sacrificed himself for him, but he didn’t care. He wanted the redhead back at his side, standing watch over him, protecting him and all he loved like he always had, and he was sure he would never feel safe or secure again until that happened.
He hadn’t realized he was crying until he saw a tear drip off the tip of his nose to land on Kyo’s forehead. With an odd, disconnected fascination, he watched the shimmering drop splash against smooth, gold skin. A small, round nose scrunched up, delicate eyebrows lowering as a tattooed hand came up languidly to rub at the ticklish irritation. Dark gold eyes fluttered open with a confused murmur and focused eventually on Kaoru’s face hovering over them.
“Kao?” Kyo slurred around a wide yawn. “Wha’s wrong? D’you need more pain killers?”
“No.” Kaoru shook his head, wincing at his own raspy voice.
“Bad dreams?” the blonde ventured, waking up a bit more.
“No…”
Kyo eyed him curiously, then sighed and sat up. “You miss Die.”
Kaoru nodded, closing his eyes. “Do you think I’m selfish? You’ve been taking such good care of me, but still… still, I need him.”
“Of course you’re selfish; you have every right to be. You’re Kaoru fucking Niikura. You can have and do whatever you want, and the only thing anybody else needs to worry about is getting it for you in a timely manner.” From anyone else, the words he’d once spoken being handed back to him would have sounded bitter. From Kyo, it was simply a reminder of the power and confidence Kaoru had once held himself with, issued in gentle but firm tones.
“I don’t feel that way now. I just feel… scared.” The admission was hard to make, and the words felt unfamiliar on Kaoru’s tongue.
“I know. And I know you don’t need him for the same reasons you need me. I would be surprised if you didn’t miss him; Die makes the people around him feel safe and that’s what you need right now. Whatever feelings you might have for me, I’m no bodyguard.”
His lover knew him too well, sometimes. Kaoru sighed and reached out to tug Kyo back into his lap, this time with the younger man settled between his legs with his back against his chest. The new position hurt in a lot of places, but Kaoru savored every ache, sting, and throb as a reminder that he wasn’t dreaming, he was home. He held the smaller blonde as close to himself as his weak body would allow. They sat that way for a long time, soaking up the contact they’d been denied for the past couple weeks, relishing their togetherness all the more for the time they‘d spent without it. The music that was always playing in their room – turned down to an almost inaudible volume – was all that stirred the air, unobtrusive as it was.
“I love you, Kyo,” Kaoru murmured against soft blonde hair.
He could count on one hand the number of times he’d said those words to his little lover; it was typically something that was understood between them without unnecessary noise. Right now, though… right now, he needed to remind himself of what he had, not what he was missing, or how close he’d come to losing everything.
“I love you too, Kaoru.”
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