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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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--- beginning of September 2008 ---

His behavior was very unusual. It’s as if he had a secret and was very eager to share it with me. It was strange, because usually he didn’t want to share anything with me. But whatever it was, it had to be only good. Kyo was almost smiling while looking at me during breakfast. Almost.
When I pushed the plate aside and took my cup of coffee, Kyo looked up at me and I knew I was soon going to get to know what was bothering him for the last several days.
“Are you done with eating?” he asks and I nod. But his plate is still half-full and Kyo catches my look. “I’m not very hungry this morning.”
“Still, Kyo, you must eat. You barely touched anything.”
Kyo makes a face but nibbles at his eggs and takes a few more bites. Then drinks the juice in one go and pushes the plate and the glass aside.
“We’re going out now” he says.
“You want to go for a walk?”
“Sort of” he nods slightly and stands up. “I’ll go get dressed. Finish your coffee quicker and change!”
He exits the kitchen and I sight. He orders me around a lot but I don’t mind. I’ve been making all the decisions for him for so long that he perhaps enjoys the power over his own life now more than ever.
I take a few more sips of coffee and go to the bedroom after Kyo. I’m too curious to linger for longer in the kitchen. I really want to know what Kyo has been hiding from me.
I find him in the bathroom cleaning his teeth. He’s already dressed up, so I change as well and soon enough we walk out of the building. The day seems to be nice and quite warm. It’s just the beginning of September, after all. Kyo turns to the direction of the car park and I follow a bit reluctantly.
“I thought you wanted to go for a walk. Do you want to go to some particular place?”
I see him nod, but Kyo doesn’t say anything and I can only follow him. I unlock the car and throw my bag on the backseat, but Kyo remains standing at the back of the car. This is getting ridiculous. I can’t read his mind. Either he tells me what is happening right now, or I’ll force him to speak.
I turn to look at Kyo and see him almost smiling. The corners of his lips are lifted a bit, making his face look much gentler and calmer than usual.
“What is happening, Kyo?” I ask, though my question sounds more like a scolding to a naughty child than a voice of an irritated man.
“We’re not taking this car, Kaoru. It’s a peace of junk.”
“Well I’m sorry if I can’t afford a nice Ferrari or some other expensive nice-looking fancy car! I’m afraid you’ll have to be satisfied with this peace of junk, Kyo.”
“I want to ride in this car” Kyo says and points to the car on the left of my one. Yeah, nice ride. Actually, it’s the God of all cars. It’s a 311 km/h Nissan GTR. I’d be afraid to even touch it.
“When I’ll be this rich that I could buy cars like that, I’ll tell you. Now get in and let’s go” I try to keep the irritation out of my voice, though I barely succeed. I could never let myself waste money like that. I’m really having a hard time with the job I have and the expenses I have to cover. The job pays well, but not well enough. I have to be careful of how I handle my finances and a new car, especially this car, is out of question.
But Kyo stubbornly stands still and just looks at me.
“No, I’m taking this one” he says. I open my mouth to say I am in no mood for nonsense like this, but Kyo is quicker. He suddenly throws something at me and I barely manage to catch it. I look down at my hand to see what the hell it was.
Keys. Car keys.
I look back at Kyo and Kyo smiles widely, barely keeping the joy in.
“Will you give me a ride in your new fancy car?” he asks and all I can do is stare at him. Then I turn to look at the red baby right next to my old peace of junk. I cannot believe it. The next second I find myself near the Nissan GTR, just looking it all over. It’s brand new. Very shiny and looking very powerful. I extend a hand and touch it – smooth and cold. It’s gorgeous.
Kyo laughs and I immediately turn my head to him, forgetting the car for a moment. Kyo has never laughed before. He hasn’t laughed for ages.
“You should see yourself, Kaoru! Please remember that we’re in a public place! Don’t cum all over your new car!”
He continues laughing and leaves me even more shocked than before.
“Come on, open it! Get inside! You’ll love it!” Kyo urges me, but I still hesitate.
“But Kyo… This car, it must have cost you a fortune!”
“It’s my present for you, Kaoru” Kyo smiles, finally the laughter ceasing. “I wanted to give you something for a long time, but there never was anything worth you. I know this car is nothing compared to what you’ve given me, but at least it’s a start. It’s something I know you need and want. So… I wanted you to have it. You’re worth the best that can be bought by money.”
I look back at the car now with a bit clearer eyes. It’s not just very expensive. It’s super expensive. It must be.
“But Kyo, I can’t take presents like that from you…”
“I’m not even going to listen to any bullshit like this!” Kyo snaps and I immediately see that he means it. I need to angle my questions in another way.
“Kyo, you’ll need the money yourself. You’ve got no job and let’s be realistic…” I swallow the knot in my throat and continue, but the voice is still a bit shaky. “You’ll have a record of a severe mental illness in your health history… It might be very hard for you to get a good job. You need all the savings you have, Kyo. It’s not that I don’t love the car and your jest, but you have to think of yourself, Kyo.”
He keeps silent throughout my whole little speech and when I finally fall silent, his face darkens even more.
“You don’t like it?” he asks silently.
“No, Kyo, I love it! It’s fantastic!”
“Then why don’t you take it? I don’t know what else I could give you…”
“Kyo, you don’t need to give me anything!” I come closer to him and take his hands in mine. He’s falling into sadness too quickly. He was laughing just a few moments ago.
“But I want to” he says and bows his head. I pray that he wouldn’t start crying. I swore to do anything to not make him cry again and here I am, hurting him again without intending to do it.
“Kyo, please, understand that you don’t owe me anything at all.”
He shakes his head stubbornly and pulls his hands out of my grasp.
“But I do owe you, Kaoru. I feel so much in debt for you that I would never ever be able to repay you for what you’ve done for me. You practically saved my life, Kaoru! And I want to thank you somehow! Let me do this! Let me do something good for you and make you smile, Kaoru! Because you barely ever smile!”
I look at him astounded. I didn’t notice I was so somber.
“But Kyo…”
“No!” Kyo screams so loud that I even flinch from the unexpectedness of it. His eyes are angry and determined, all sadness gone in an instant.
“This is my present for you, Kaoru, and you are taking it!”
I glance back at the car and feel that I can barely say anything back to him. First of all, it’s what Kyo wants and I can’t deny him anything he wants. Second, I really love the car. It’s orgasmic!
“I knew you would love it!” Kyo says and I turn to look back at him. He’s smiling again, all sadness gone from his face at all. “I was thinking of going somewhere – anywhere – as far as we can. Then have lunch at some cafeteria by the road and head even further.”
“We need then clothes and toothbrushes and…”
Kyo interrupts me, clearly annoyed, but looking happy again.
“Forget all this bullshit, Kaoru! If we need anything, we’ll buy it! Let’s just relax! Forget everything! Let’s hit the road and go where we please! You don’t need to work now and I don’t have anything to do at all! Let’s head somewhere, just the two of us and let the whole fucking world go to hell! Let’s escape from everything for as long as we please! Just you and me and this gorgeous beauty!”
This offer is too hard to resist. Even in my most optimistic dreams I never had such a wonderful picture – me, Kyo, a brand new car and total freedom.
Kyo smiles at me, takes my hand and practically drags me to my new car. He knows my answer already. I’m so emotional right now, that all I feel is written on my face and Kyo knows I already agreed to his little affair.
He takes my bag from my old car and locks it. Then throws the bag on the seat of the new car and sits in the passenger’s seat. I follow him slowly, carefully looking around and trying to take in the beauty of the new car and the prospect of getting away from everyone and everything.
Kyo always was full of brilliant ideas.
And perhaps I really needed to get away.
When I turn the engine on, it purrs to me and Kyo smiles even wider. I guess I really look as if I could come all over this baby.
“Where do you want to go?” I ask Kyo and he looks at me, a small smile on his face.
“Let’s head south. I think I’d love to visit Beppu hot water resort.”
I nod and drive us out of the car park area. I don’t even object to this idea, even if I know that Beppu is miles and miles away from Tokyo.
And as I look at Kyo’s smile on his face and his relaxed posture in the seat, I have to admit that I don’t give a fuck. I could drive even to the end of the world with him.
***
The only thing Kaoru insisted on doing was calling Kyo’s sister and telling her that he and Kyo are out of the city for some time. What if she would drop by to visit Kyo by accident and wouldn’t find them home? Kyo agreed, but after the call he turned off Kaoru’s cell and took out the battery despite Kaoru’s protests.
“Just the two of us and no annoying interruptions” Kyo grinned and hid the battery in the pocket of his jacket.
They were driving for many hours until hunger made them find some place to eat. By then, they were already out of the city. They had their lunch outside a cozy restaurant even though it was slightly cold outside.
“I want to spend the night in Nara” Kyo says with his mouth full, looking at Kaoru hopefully.
“Sure” Kaoru smiles at Kyo. He still felt it was very abrupt and immature to just leave everything behind and go away, but as there really weren’t any pressing matters – work-related or Kyo’s health-related – he tried to relax. This escape was like a fresh breath of air after many years. And for Kaoru it felt like soon the fairytale would end because he would remember some reason why this trip could not happen and why they should definitely go back.
“Would you like to visit Kyoto as well? We’ll be very near it.”
Kyo’s face became serious in a moment he hears the question and he appeared to be thinking really hard.
“No” he finally says slowly. He appears to want to say something more, but decides against it and shakes his head a bit. “No.”
Kaoru nods and continues eating. He doesn’t question Kyo’s decision. He knew Kyo didn’t really get along with his parents now.
They eat in silence. Kaoru finishes his dinner and lights himself a cigarette. When Kyo orders himself another desert, Kaoru can’t help but furrow his brows in concern.
“Aren’t you full yet, Kyo?”
“Can’t I eat now?” Kyo shots back taking a big bite of the apple pie.
“Kyo, you… well… you’ve been very into sweet things recently…”
“And whose fault is that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never had such a craving for sweet things before! But now I find myself craving for cupcakes, sweets, ice-cream, cakes, tarts, chocolates, pies and so on and so forth! So don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it!”
“Well, in a way you are right, but you should try to cut down the amount you eat. You’ve been gaining weight quite steadily for some time now.”
“So what? Do you think I look unattractive now? With some extra kilos?” Kyo stares intently at Kaoru and Kaoru’s face turns bright red. How should he answer such question?
“Well?” Kyo insists, obviously not going to let Kaoru get it easy.
“No, I don’t think you look unattractive.”
“I don’t think you look unattractive” Kyo repeated, cruelly imitating Kaoru’s tone of voice. “Can you for once speak like a normal human being? Can’t you just tell me looking me straight in the eyes that you find me sexy?”
“Kyo, let’s not go there…”
“No!” Kyo interrupted again and took another huge bite of cake. “I want to finally hear the truth! Are you attracted physically to me or not? Even the way I look now?”
Kaoru held his breath for a moment and his face turned even redder if that was possible.
“I find you attractive, Kyo. And I think you look sexy even with some extra kilos.”
Kyo’s face looks contemplative, but Kaoru can’t read anything else from his facial expression. Was this just another change of mood due to his condition or was he asking these questions because he really wanted to know the answers?
“But it doesn’t mean anything, Kyo. You don’t need to think about it. I’m happy the way we are now – very close friends.”
Even if it’s not really the truth, Kaoru doesn’t want to upset Kyo with his needs and confessions of love. If they would start this conversation now, Kaoru would want to ask some questions himself. He wanted to ask Kyo what he really thought of Kaoru’s feelings towards him, towards their future. But Kaoru was afraid to hear the truth. Most probably it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
“What are you saying, Kaoru? You lust after me, but at the same time you say that we’re only friends and you’re fine with it?”
Kaoru nods reluctantly, knowing himself that it sounds ambiguous.
“What do you think of Ru-chan, Kaoru?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Is he good-looking?”
“I… I don’t know. I only saw that one picture, how should I know?” Kaoru gets a bit irritated. This wasn’t a pleasant conversation at all and it was getting more and more uncomfortable.
“Well, I think he is hot! He’s so sexy and so handsome!”
“Good for you” Kaoru muttered, now really getting very disturbed and irritated. Was Kyo pushing his buttons on purpose? Or was he just really dumb today?
“I loved having sex with him! It was so different from sex with the girls I dated, but it was so good!”
Kaoru stands up suddenly.
“I’ll go buy myself another glass of juice” he uttered and disappeared in the building, not offering even a slightest glance at Kyo.
***
I watch Kaoru leave me at the table and can’t help but sight in disappointment. I don’t really know what kind of reaction I was expecting from him. But it most definitely wasn’t immediate surrender.
Why wouldn’t Kaoru just tell me what he really expects from me? At least now I know he is not only in love with me, but also finds me attractive. So he really wants the whole deal? He really wants all of me? Then why doesn’t he say anything? Why doesn’t he do anything?
It’s not like I can give him what he wants, but at least we’d both be on the same page.
Or maybe… maybe he’s just trying to make me feel better about myself and doesn’t really desire me?
I hate him so much for leaving me in the dark! I want to know all he’s really thinking of me! Why can’t he just tell he loves me and wants all of me – body and soul? If he really thinks this way, that is. Or would he just let me move out when time comes? Just like that?
And why on earth this thought of me living alone freaks me out?!
“Damn…”
I push the plate with the cake aside and grunt. My stomach starts to cramp. Perhaps I really overdid it this time.
When Kaoru comes back, he looks composed again, as if nothing had happened. But I can’t hide the pained look on my face and Kaoru becomes concerned.
“Are you alright?”
“No…” I mutter through gritted teeth. “I think my stomach hurts.”
A smirk for a moment appears on Kaoru’s lips, but he quickly hides it.
“Yeah, yeah, you told me” I mutter and glare at him. And this time Kaoru can’t help but grin openly.
“Well you wanted to eat two huge pieces of cake, Kyo! After eating dinner! Your little stomach can’t survive from all the assaults!”
I glare harder, but it doesn’t help. For the first time Kaoru seems to have fun out of my misery. But it’s nothing I should be angry about. This misery was caused by my own stupidity and greed.
“Well, it’s half your fault!” I glare at him.
“We’ll look for a drugstore on the way out of this town” Kaoru smiles at me… lovingly? Yeah, he really does… He cares so much about me. I know I can ask anything from him and he would give everything he has to make me happy.
Then why can’t he tell me his true thoughts? Why can’t he tell me if he expects me to just move out and go on with my life alone or if he wants me to stay by his side?
“Thank you, Kaoru” I mumble, not looking at him.
Later we find some drugstore to ease the pains in my stomach and for some time I just sit silently in the car hugging my stomach and looking at the changing view outside.
“This feels familiar.”
“What?”
What? Did I say it out loud?
“What feels familiar, Kyo-kun?”
I think for a moment, trying to understand my own thoughts.
“I’m not sure… But this… this situation – riding in a car with you and watching the changing scenery – it’s as if it already happened…”
“Well… we had many rides in my old car before…”
“No, that’s not it! It feels as if it’s a fresh new start. As if I take a breath of air for the first time and feel free finally. It’s hard to explain. Perhaps it’s nothing and I’m just… I’m just being confused again…”
I can’t see Kaoru’s face, but he keeps silent. I can’t really explain this feeling myself. And it’s stupid.
“Is it still a long ride until we reach Nara?” I ask, wanting to change the subject.
“Not really. We’re already half-way.”
“I want to see the deer.”
“Sure.”
“And I want to take a walk in some calm place.”
Kaoru nods agreeing.
“I’ll take a nap now” I say. Perhaps Kaoru nods yet again, but I don’t see it anymore. My eyes are already closed and I fall asleep lulled by the gentle lullaby of the engine and the gentle rocking of the car.

***
Gosh, I’m so tired. The bed feels so comfy that I just sink in and close my eyes immediately. I hear Kaoru in the shower and it feels like home even if we’re somewhere far away from home. It doesn’t bother me. My home is where Kaoru is. So even if we stay in an old-fashioned hotel somewhere in Nara, I feel at peace.
Time flies by, but I can’t fall asleep for some reason, even though my body is so heavy and so tired from a long ride in a car during the whole day.
I suddenly understand that the shower is turned off. I didn’t hear when Kaoru finished showering. I listen for some time and finally hear him enter the room. He walks slowly and lies next to me in bed. I feel weird – as if he would be watching me. Perhaps he thinks I’m asleep.
Suddenly I hear the shuffling of sheets and feel Kaoru leaning closer to me. In a moment I feel his lips on my forehead – hot, moist and tender. They linger on my skin for just a moment and then are gone.
“Goodnight, Kyo-kun” I hear Kaoru whisper. “Sweet dreams…”
His voice is heavy with emotions – so heavy with emotions that I don’t need to be told what these emotions are. The most prominent one of them – strong affection. I should say love, but I’m afraid to voice it even in my mind. And it doesn’t feel only like love. What I hear in his voice is even stronger – devotion, patience, endurance, dedication, lust, tenderness and so, so much more that I can’t even grasp it all.
I feel my body go stiff from anticipation and surprise.
But nothing else happens. Kaoru lies down and then it’s all silent and calm.
After some time I hear his breathing equalize as he falls asleep.
But now I can’t sleep. My head feels as if it will soon explode. I dare to open my eyes and for a moment all I see is darkness, but soon Kaoru’s face slowly drifts out of the dark. His face looks relaxed and calm. So calm…
I hesitantly extend my hand and touch his chin with the tip of my fingers. His skin is covered in short sharp stubs of beard. I draw my fingers further up until they reach the softer, hair-free skin. My fingers feel like they’re touching open source of electricity. The power of the touch goes through my whole body and I stare in amazement at Kaoru’s face.
It’s as if I see him for the first time. He’s beautiful. And he’s all mine.
I close my eyes and sight in content. I was tired from the long ride in the new car for the whole day, but I had a wonderful time. Alone with Kaoru.
His face remains in my head until I fall asleep.

TBC

Author’s comment: My knowledge of cars is almost non-existent, so if 311 km/h Nissan GTR isn’t such a great car in reality, I’m sorry :( And I don’t really know when exactly it was made, so the time in the fic and the actual time the car was made might not match, but let’s not get in details like that :P I really know nothing about cars -_-
In the part where Kyo says 'this feels familiar' I kind of think he would refer to the time when Kaoru was taking him home for the first time after many months of being locked in the mental institution. But even Kyo doesn't really know what he had in mind. It's just a thing for myself :) I know that this is why he said that, I just didn't want to give any too obvious hints about that :P So I thought I'd share it with you ^^
Oh, and comments? Anyone? ^^
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Blurry Days