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Until You Lose Your Breath	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 1741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
I’m sorry that this time the update was much later than usual. It’s just that my life has been sucking smelly hairy balls for some time now and I am really in no mood to do anything at all…
But still, here is

CHAPTER 18

[Kyo’s sign language speech is indicated with ~~]

After several days Kyo finally made up his mind and went to talk to Kaoru. Kaoru was surprised to see Kyo at his doorstep but he didn’t expect anything good from this visit. He let Kyo in and led him to the living room. Kyo looked tired but he made himself comfortable on the sofa and looked at Kaoru.
~I thought over what you said to me earlier,~ Kyo said. ~But finally I decided to follow Shinya’s advice. ~
-Kyo, no… Please, don’t listen to him, -Kaoru pleaded. But Kyo raised his hand and silenced Kaoru.
~Don’t interrupt me, ok? I’ll say what I want and then you can talk. ~
-Ok, -Kaoru sighted and prepared for the worst.
~Shinya always urged me to forget you and he was really angry when I said that you confessed being in love with me after all this time. He gave me his opinion and I agree with it. There are actually two possibilities, as he told me. One is to tell you to fuck off. The other is to forgive and start everything anew. In the first case I’d live as I used to. Without you. But I would always think about all the ‘what ifs’ and I wouldn’t be able to ever forget and find peace. There would always remain a doubt whether the decision was right or not. If I would choose to let you in my life again there are again two possible variants. You might gradually get bored with me after some time and leave me again. And then I’d have to try and forget you… again. Then I’d be even more broken than before. But there’s also the possibility that everything would be all right. So, what to choose?~
Kyo pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one. His hands were shaking a little. He took a drag from a cigarette, put it down in the ashtray and looked around.
~You know, I’ve never loved anyone in the world as much as I loved you, Kaoru. You were my weakness and strength. And when we were through, I hated the entire world with a passion. I hated all other guys in band for being happy, I hated you for leaving me and finding some bitch to fuck and even marry, I even hated myself for falling in love with you of all people. But as much as I tried, I couldn’t get rid of the love for you and that made me even more furious. I couldn’t stop loving you even when I no longer saw you everyday. As much as I hate to admit, I must say that I still love you…~
Kaoru smiled lightly hearing this. His heart missed a beat and he felt a bit easier.
~I mean, am I that weak? Why can’t I get rid of something that’s killing me? ~
Kyo sighted and looked at Kaoru.
~Shinya gave me a good advice, Kaoru and I intend to follow it. He said that it would be wisest to forget you and move on. But then again… What if… What if you are serious this time? What if I’m throwing out the only possibility to be happy? So I decided to risk. It’s better to be hurt once more than to live in doubt and with all the ‘what ifs’. ~
Kaoru looked at Kyo disbelievingly.
-You mean… you want us to be together again?
Kyo nodded.
~If you really love me, that is. ~
-I do! I love you, Kyo!
Kyo smiled.
~Even if I can’t sing any more? Even if now I’m uglier than I’ve ever been?~
-You’re all I want, Kyo. I could accept the loss of the band, but I couldn’t accept your absence from my life. I know it took me a long time to finally realize what I really wanted, but now I do know. And I know that I want to be with you…
Kyo smiled sadly and Kaoru couldn’t take it any more. He sat next to him and hugged Kyo in a strong embrace. He inhaled deeply the scent of the vocalist and closed his eyes. Kyo clung to him desperately burying his face in Kaoru’s chest feeling complete for the first time in like forever. He could barely remember the days when they started to go out and when things were fine between them. It seemed like it never happened.
-Will you ever forgive me, Kyo?
He felt Kyo nodding and smiled.
-Thank you, Kyo… thank you…
***
-So where is he now? –Die asked.
~Work~, wrote Kyo on the paper.
-I can’t believe that you’re moving in to live together, -Toshiya mused aloud.
-I’m very happy for you, Kyo, -Shinya smiled gently and patted the vocalist on the shoulder. –I believe that everything’s going to finally be ok for both of you.
~I hope too.~
-I always said to Kaoru go and talk to you sooner, but he was just being a chicken!
Die laughed.
-Who could have ever thought that Kaoru would be afraid of something!
-Yeah… But… -Toshiya was suddenly interrupted by the doorbell. They were in his flat so Toshiya got up and went to open the door. The others were sitting in the kitchen so they could hear everything quite well. Toshiya’s surprised gasp was heard even there.
-You? What do you want?
-It’s not polite to greet someone like this, -Miyavi’s voice sounded as confident as ever. –I came to visit you, Totchi.
-I’m not alone.
-Well, I don’t care. Aren’t you going to invite me in?
-No, -Toshiya answered a bit hesitantly. –I’m with my friends now, you can come over later if you want.
-But I want to come over now! Totchi, what’s wrong with you? Aren’t you happy to see me?
-I… It’s not a good time for this, Miya…
-For what?
-You know that yourself!
-No, I don’t.
-I can’t screw with you now because I have guests, damn it! Can’t you go to one of your other bitches?! Why do you bother me at all?!
-Why do you think I only want to fuck you whenever I come?
-Because it’s all you do when you come!
-It’s not! You also have a good time as me! Didn’t I let you be on top? Didn’t I?
-It’s not the point!
-Then what is?
-I’m not alone now, come over later!
-NO! Why can’t I stay now? Am I not your friend?
-You… you’re just… You’re just someone who regularly fucks me, that’s all! And now it’s not a good time for this!
-It’s not just fucking, Toshiya!
-Then what is it? How would you call it?
-I don’t know! If I wanted to just fuck somebody, I’d go to a club!
-But you still go there despite the fact that you screw me regularly! You have at least two other lovers without me! How would you call it, huh?!
-I told you I can’t be faithful! I love beautiful people like you! You knew that well!
-Yes, I knew and because of that I asked you not to come again to me! But you still did!
-It’s because you’re my favorite, Totchi! I can’t just leave you! When I’m with someone else, I always end up wanting to go to you after that. You’re just almost as gorgeous as me!
-Then why can’t you be only with me? Why?
Toshiya’s voice was trembling now. It was clear that was at the verge of crying.
-I don’t know how to be faithful because I never was, Totchi.
-But can’t you try that for me? I’d be the happiest person on earth if I had you. I love you so much, Miya…
-You never told me you love me.
-Wasn’t that obvious?
-Actually it was.
Silence fell and Toshiya’s sniffing was heard.
-Let’s make a deal, Totchi, -Miyavi suddenly said. –I’ll try to be only with you. I’ll try to be faithful. And if I fail and cheat on you, I’ll immediately tell you and will never again come to you. Is that ok?
-Yes… -Toshiya whispered.
-Don’t cry, Totchi. I like it when you’re smiling, -Miyavi purred.
Shinya suddenly stood up and looked at the other two.
-Let’s go and leave them alone.
All three went to the corridor and said goodbye to blushing Toshiya. They left them standing in the corridor and hesitantly looking at each other.
***
-That must have been interesting to see, -Kaoru said after hearing the entire story from Kyo.
~It wasn’t! I hope that that pop freak won’t hurt Toshiya again!~
-Yeah… I hope too…
They were lying in bed after nice supper. It was late already and they decided to cuddle in bed. Kyo felt sore after the recent nights, but he couldn’t remember ever being so happy.
~You remember the psychologist that I had to visit?~
-Yes, what about him?
Kyo was laying on Kaoru’s chest and Kaoru had his arms circled around Kyo’s waist.
~He helped me to understand why I couldn’t force myself to make love to you when we first started to go out. Wanna hear the reason now?~
-Sure, -Kaoru tried not to sound too interested.
~It’s because I was afraid that I’d do something bad and you wouldn’t like it. I was so afraid to fuck up, that that kept me from doing it at all. It is so ironical…~
-Kyo…
~Kaoru, you know that I love you?~
-Of course.
~I really do! Don’t ever leave me again!~
-I won’t, Kyo-kun. I promise!
Kaoru kissed Kyo on the forehead and smiled affectionately.
-I love you so much that it hurts, -Kaoru whispered Kyo in the ear and that made Kyo grin happily.
***
So much has changed in Kyo’s life after the day when Kaoru suddenly came and confessed his love to him. After he went to Kaoru and agreed to be with him together again, it was all like a surreal dream for him. Life suddenly colored itself with all the possible bright and happy colors. Kyo no longer felt depressed or sad. And it scared him to suddenly be so damn happy.
He stayed at Kaoru’s place all the time clinging to him every second. It was hard for Kaoru to make Kyo let go of him so that he could go to the toilet. It looked like Kyo thought that if he let go of Kaoru’s hand, he’d loose him again. He only was willing enough to let go when Kaoru had to go to work. But when he got back, Kyo would hug him as if for the first time in his life.
It took more than a week for Kyo finally to be able to sit on the same sofa with Kaoru and not hug him or hold hands.
In Kyo’s opinion, it was a waist of time for Kaoru to work now, they had money, but Kaoru didn’t want to even consider quitting and Kyo didn’t want to argue. He just wanted to be with Kaoru the entire time. From morning till dawn. But he knew he was being irrational, so he didn’t pester Kaoru about that a lot.
After they got back together, one evening Kaoru took Kyo to a fancy dinner and when finally he stated the reason of all this, Kyo was speechless.
~You want us to move to live together?~
-Yes, -Kaoru nodded. –Long time ago I promised you to consider this and now I finally did that. I want us to be together as much as possible. And now it seems like the most rational idea. We no longer work together, so it’s harder for us to meet. And I don’t want to loose more time, I want to spend my entire days with you.
~But isn’t it too soon, Kaoru? We’re together for only fifteen days now…~
-Kyo, we’ve lost already so much time! And it’s not like we just started dating, we’ve already considered this possibility a long time ago.
Kyo was silent and Kaoru got worried.
-What is the real reason of your doubt, Kyo-kun?
~I… well, what if this won’t work out and we’ll have to split up again? And if we’ll be living together, that would only make things so much more difficult… ~
Kaoru took Kyo’s hands in his and looked him in the eyes.
-You have no idea how much it hurts for me to hear that, Kyo. To hear that you think I could still leave you. I know it’s my fault, but I swear to you, Kyo, I swear everything I have, that it won’t happen. I love you so much that I can’t put it into words. All the things I said to you when we split up then… they weren’t all true… Our relationship wasn’t more pain than fun. It was making me happy, but I just didn’t see it. I cared about the band more than you and… I don’t know, I jut can’t really explain to you why I did what I did then. Only when I lost you for good, only when I wasn’t seeing you at work every day I understood how much I missed you. I felt incomplete, unhappy, always easily got irritated, angry, not even countless of one-night stands made me feel good. It was you I lacked in my life, but you were no longer there. And when I really couldn’t take it any longer, I came to visit you. You know how it ended… after that I felt horrible, but I was afraid to call you and try to explain you somehow what happened, because I couldn’t understand it myself. But then… gradually… I just knew. I knew for sure why I was so worked up. I loved you. I wanted to be with you. And I know I can never make up for what I did to you, but I want to start everything anew, to use every second I have to spend with you, Kyo…
~I didn’t really need to hear about your countless one-night stands, ~Kyo said.
-Wha~?
~I had only my hand as a friend at lonely nights for so long.~
Kaoru looked stupidly at Kyo, but finally laughed.
-I’m sorry to hear that, Kyo-kun. And if it’ll make you feel better, I can add that these one-time adventures didn’t bring me any satisfaction.
~Pff, yeah, whatever…~
-You don’t believe me?
~Well, how could orgasm not bring you satisfaction? But that’s actually not the point, so forget it. ~
-Ok, Kyo-kun. So? What is your answer?
~Of course it’s yes, ~Kyo smiled. ~I can’t stand to be without you anymore. I want to live together very much. I’m just a bit… scared…~
-There’s nothing to be scared about, Kyo-kun. I promise, I’ll make you happy, I’ll do all I can to make up for everything that I’ve done.
Kyo smiled affectionately and quickly stole a kiss despite the fact that they were in a restaurant.
So soon after they moved all Kyo’s things to Kaoru’s place and for a week had lots of things to do to finally feel at home. Kyo also rented his old place because sentiments didn’t let him sell it just now.
~I never expected life to be so wonderful ever again, ~Kyo said. They were lying in bed after a good sex. It was late at night, they finished unpacking Kyo’s stuff. It was the first day that they could relax without any pressing matters to handle.
-I’m happy to hear that, -Kaoru said and kissed Kyo’s forehead.
~Shinya and Die are also happy together. Toshiya seems to finally be happy with Miyavi again, if that pop-freak won’t cheat on him soon. It’s as if we’ll finally be able to get our share of a fairy tale ending. ~
Kaoru chuckled.
-Since when are you so romantic?
~Since I finally no longer want to kill myself. ~
Kaoru stared at Kyo and Kyo felt uneasy.
~Sorry, it was a wrong thing to say…~
-No, Kyo, you don’t need to apologize. I just… I feel horrible when you speak about the past and how the things I did made your life so miserable. It’s hard for me to face the truth – that because of me you didn’t even want to live…
~Well, you can’t turn back time, Kaoru, so just forget it. Better try to put all your heart in the relationship we have now. It’s the most important thing. ~
-Yes, Kyo, I know. We’re finally together, so that’s the only thing I care about. I love you, Kyo.
~Love you too. ~
They lied in silence for some time. Kyo was slowly stroking Kaoru’s chest and breathing in deeply Kaoru’s scent.
-I’m all sweaty and I stink, Kyo.
Kyo let out a strange, hollow sound, that had to be a laugh.
~I love your scent, Kaoru. I just can’t get enough of you…~
Kaoru smiled like mad hearing that and kissed Kyo’s hair.
-Me too, Kyo-kun. Me too…

TBC

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Until You Lose Your Breath