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Dead Like Me	By : poe Category: My Chemical Romance > General Views: 4827 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
OKAY, so i'm REEEEALLLLYYYYY sorry to leave you all hanging like that for SOOOOO LONG! i finished this story a long time ago, but my life has been so crazy i sort of forgot about this site! how?! i don't know! but i am back and i had to finish this for all you guys who have been so awesome and supportive with your feedback! thanks so much and i hope you enjoy the end....
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I was whistling as I walked briskly down the street. Actually whistling, some tune, I can't remember what the name of it was, as I was walking home from work. I felt good. Better than good. I felt great. I had worked out a balance between all the aspects of my life, and I knew that it couldn't last forever, so I planned on enjoying it while I had it.
Especially tonight.
My pocket vibrated, and I pulled my cellphone out, checking the number. Mikey. Perfect timing.
"Hey, sweetie, I was just thinking about you!"
"Is that so? Good things, I hope!"
"Oh, the best things....I was just thinking about what I was going to do to you when you get home tonight...."
Silence. No. Fuck. Mikey. He wasn't going to do this to me again.
"Mikey? Remember. Tonight? Our Anniversary? You're coming home early and we're going to have a nice supper, and then I'm going to ravage you like you've never been ravaged before?"
He didn't answer for a minute. "Honey, I'm sorry, I know you had a nice night planned for us, but......."
"No! Mikey! You promised that you'd be home tonight!"
"I know I did, and I'll make it up to you, I promise, Babe. But Geoff asked me to help move equipment tonight, one of his roadies broke his leg.....you know he wouldn't ask if he didn't really need me." He continued through the silence from my side of the conversation.
"But...it's our anniversary...." I almost had tears in my eyes. The thought that he was going to ditch me, again, on our fucking three year anniversary was almost killing me.
He was quiet for a minute, and I could hear the sigh from his side of the line. "I promise I'll make it up to you, okay? I'll try and be home before 2."
What was I supposed to say? "I'll dump you if you don't show up."? No, I couldn't do that. "Fine."
"Okay, I'll see you later tonight. Love you."
Before I could respond with a "love you too," he was already gone.
When did this happen? When did Mikey and I become one of those couples? When did it happen that I saw America's Next Top Model more than I saw my boyfriend? I had really thought that things were okay. Gerard and I had our thing, and Mikey didn't know, so it was safe. But really, Mikey had no chance to find out. He was never home to catch us. Maybe that's why I found myself outside of Gerard's bedroom so much as of late. I wasn't getting it anywhere else, so I took it when I could get it.
Gerard and I had reached an point of understanding in our relationship. We'd crossed the line again between friends and more-than-friends, and this time we stayed on the other side. Gerard agreed not to tell Mikey, and I agree to keep letting him fuck me. It was a win/win situation in most respects, and for the first time in my life, I actually felt okay. Well, as okay as I could feel about fucking my boyfriend's brother behind his back. And as okay as I could feel about the fact that Gerard and I still weren't any closer to being what I really wanted us to be. It was still secret, it was still only partial; I only got a part of him. A good part, mind you, but a part none the less. And a part seems so small when you want the whole thing.
At least he wasn't sleeping with randoms anymore.
How did I deal with the guilt? Well, when Mikey and I actually had time together, he was the best boyfriend ever. We would have sex all the time, and he was always showering me with presents and surprises. I let him. I guess I justified it by thinking that I deserved something for all the times he left me alone. And then he always asked me what he did to deserve such a wonderful boyfriend. My usual reply was something to the effect of not being as wonderful as he thought I was.
To make matters worse, I encouraged him to go out with Bert, as if he wasn't gone enough. I think it definitely helped with the trust issue. I still didn't like the fact that they were so close, but if I wanted them to hang out I thought that he probably wouldn't have a clue what I was doing behind his back. And I mean, really, like I had any right to be angry about him and Bert.
It's not as easy as people think it is. You always say that if you were in that situation you would just break up with the person you were with rather than cheat on them. Because obviously if you want someone else you don't really love that person. But it's really not as easy as all that. I mean, just because I loved Gerard more didn't mean that I loved Mikey any less. And it was different. Gerard was never going to love me back, and I knew that. I didn't want to believe it all the time, but I knew it. Mikey loved me. He was my boyfriend. Even when he was gone, he was there for me more than Gerard ever would be. I couldn't let him down like that, after all we'd been through. It meant too much to me, he meant too much to me, for me to just throw it all away like that.
I couldn't escape the guilt all the time. After a while, some nights after Gerard and I finished, I would tell him that I'd had enough, that I couldn't do this anymore, that the guilt was killing me. Those nights it was like he didn't know what to do with me. He'd usually leave. It's like he couldn't deal with any emotion. He wouldn't hold me, or comfort me, or even tell me that it was going to be okay. I never asked him to. But I sometimes I was testing him, because, just once, I wanted him to do something. Just once I wanted him to wrap his arms around me. Just once I wanted him to slip and say that he actually cared about me as more than a friend, more than a fuck-buddy. But this was Gerard we're talking about. Gerard didn't suffer from freudian slips, if he even had any feelings to accidentally leak out.
So all of my energy, all of the feelings I had towards Gerard I had to give to Mikey. It was a form of projection; I was projecting all of my unrealized feelings of love for Gerard onto his brother. That should have made me feel guilty, and it did, leading Mikey to believe that I felt that way about him. It's not that I didn't, but take those feelings and amplify them by a thousand, and that's how much I felt for Gerard. And as much as it frustrated me, and made me crazy, so crazy that I thought that I was going to spontaneously combust from all of the feelings I had to keep inside, I always ended up in his bed again. Or in the back seat of his car. Or in the movie theater.
I trudged home, now not in such a hurry to walk into my empty house. But inevitably, it eventually rose up in front of me, and I had nothing to do but turn my key in the lock and enter the silence.
I looked down at the floor in the entryway. No shoes. Good. Gerard wasn't home. I really couldn't deal with his biting comments about how Mikey wasn't there on our anniversary as some lame attempt to get me into bed. I walked into my room and undressed, grabbing a towel, and heading into the shower.
I cried. I couldn't help it. As the warm water started running over me, I was completely overcome with a wave of despair. What was I doing? What was I becoming? Was I one of those girls on those tv shows? Those homewrecking whores that don't care for anyone or anything but their own pleasure? Maybe not completely. But the comparison was there. I needed to do something.
I didn't hear the door to the bathroom open, and it wasn't until I felt his hands slide around my chest that I realized he was in the shower with me.
I jumped about twenty feet in the air. "Holy shit! Don't do that!"
He turned me around to face him, and grinned his evil grin. "Don't do what? Don't get naked in the shower with you? Okay." He moved like he was going to get out. I grabbed onto his arm before he could leave.
"No, I meant don't scare me like that. A little warning next time...."
He came closer, forcing me into the corner of the shower. "Oh, so you do want me naked in the shower with you." Fucking Gerard. I was already getting hard.
I didn't want to play Gerard's game. He knew that I wanted him. We wouldn' t have been carrying on our adulterous relationship if I hadn't. I didn't want to play this stupid game, I just wanted him to fuck me.
"Gerard, just shut up." He pushed me against the wall of the shower and moved his face just inches away from mine. I could feel my erection rubbing against his thighs, and it didn't take him long to notice either.
"Are you gonna make me?" He whispered huskily.
Instead of replying, I kissed him hungrily, my arms snaking around his, pulling him against me, pulling him under the spray of the shower with me. He kissed me back, and I felt his tongue making its way into my mouth, tasting me thoroughly. His hands ran down my front, caressing my nipples lazily before moving down. He touched all around me, but teasingly, making sure that he didn't touch me where I wanted him to. I was in no mood for this.
I grabbed his hand and looked right into his eyes. "Don't tease me Gerard, not tonight." The look in my eyes was neither pleading nor submissive. I was not begging him to stop teasing. I simply was telling him that if he didn't stop then I wasn't going to do this tonight. I knew he could tell the difference.
"Tonight you just want to fuck?" He was so eloquent sometimes.
I nodded. "Yeah. Tonight, I just want to fuck."
So he did. It wasn't romantic or slow or passionate. It was two grunting, straining bodies moving as one in a cramped shower stall, needing release more than anything else. No words were exchanged after that, and when it was over we both got out of the shower and he went to his room, as I went to mine. I dried myself off and slipped on a pair of clean boxers and a wife-beater. And then I should have gone to bed.
I stood there staring at my comforter. The black and grey plaid. The pillows carefully placed at the head of the bed. I didn't want to sleep in it. I didn't want to be alone in my room at that moment. I wanted more than anything for Mikey to be home, but I knew he wouldn't come home for a long time, if he even came home tonight. So I found myself wandering towards that familiar door. It was slightly ajar, so I think he expected me. I pushed it open slightly, and saw him lying on his bed in his pyjama pants and a t-shirt reading a book.
I stood there silently for a long moment, not quite knowing what to say exactly. He must have known because, strangely enough, he just motioned towards me, and pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed. I hopped in slowly, covering myself in his blankets. It was warm and soft, and it felt nice to have someone with me, even if it was Gerard.
He continued reading his book for awhile. I turned my back to him and closed my eyes, feeling hot tears seeping out of their corners. I held back any noises that tried to escape. If Gerard knew I was crying he would try and get rid of me, and I couldn't be alone tonight.
I heard him put his book on the nightstand, and turn off the lamp beside him. The darkness shrouded us, and it felt like a secure blanket, hiding my emotions perfectly.
We lay quietly, the only sound to be heard where the inhales and exhales of breath. Then finally my small voice broke the silence, almost unnoticed. "Gerard....I'm sorry...about tonight.....I didn't mean to just.....I needed......I didn't want to be alone......"
Suddenly I felt the weight shift on the bed. I fucked it now, I thought. He was going to make me leave for getting all emotional on him. But he didn't say anything. He rolled so I could feel his body against mine. And then the strangest thing. His arm slid around my waist. His hand didn't move anywhere. It didn't try to get into my boxers, or touch my chest. It just simply rested on my hip, his arm around my middle.
He still hadn't said anything in response to my apology, so I didn't think he was going to answer. But then his voice filled the space between us, almost as small as mine had been, but much deeper. "It's okay, Frankie."
I had never, ever told Gerard that I loved him. I never wanted to make that mistake because I knew that there would be no going back from that. That was the one phrase that never came up. We never talked about love, or relationships. It was just about sex, simply fucking. Release. He provided me with another outlet to expend excess energy. Not a very romantic notion, but it kept me grounded. I couldn't let myself believe that it was anything but. Because I knew deep down that it wasn't. It couldn't be, not with him. But at that moment, with his arm around my waist and his quiet breathing in my ear, I could almost pretend that it could be.
******
k only two more chapters after this one.....:)
- 18
- 19
- 20
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Dead Like Me