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Blurry Days	By : theProphet Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 2083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is the work of fiction. Don't know Dir en grey and don't make any money from this.

Chapter List
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STARTS EXACTLY AFTER WHERE IT WAS ENDED LAST TIME

***
All is dark. But I know he’s here – lurking in the shadows, watching me.
God, I hate him so much! I want him to leave me alone! To let me go! Or at least kill me! But let me escape from this hell-hole once and for all!
I hate when he’s touching me! I hate every single breath he exhales on my skin! And I hate even more every single perverted fantasy he tries doing with me!
I know what he’s planning now! He’s going to tie me up on the floor, forcing my legs spread with a metallic stick between them, preventing me from closing them, he’s going to smear some pheromones or who knows what exactly all over my ass and then he’s going to bring that huge dog of his, that fucked-up stupid dog ---
Oh God, no, no, no ---
“No, please, no…”
Tears are already here and I can’t stop them. I want to die right now. I feel so humiliated. I don’t know what’s worse – when he’s bringing that animal and watching us or when he’s tying me at one of his inventions for sex and watching me being fucked by a machine or when he injects something to me and watches me wither in agony of pain for hours and hours or when he’s trying to watch me being violated by some bigger animal, like that time… that horse… my broken leg and pelvic bones…
“No, please, please, I beg you…”
But he doesn’t hear me. He never hears me. He never pities me.
“Please, don’t do this to me… just… just let me die…”
I struggle to stand up, but it’s all so dark around me. I can’t see anything. How do I escape from here?! Where should I go?!
I scream so loud when I feel hands on my body so unexpectedly. I try to fight him, but he’s holding me tightly to himself, pressing me to his body. I try to shout for help, to kick him anywhere I can, but he’s not letting me go.
“NO NO NO! PLEASE, DON’T HURT ME ANYMORE!”
I hear him speak but I can’t understand a word – as if he was talking in some foreign language. But then I hesitate for a moment. His voice – it sounds familiar.
“Kyo, you’re safe, you’re safe, Kyo-kun! Please, calm down!”
For a moment I remain still, listening to the voice. The darkness slowly forms shapes in front of my eyes and I don’t understand why I see furniture in this jail of mine.
“Kyo-kun, you’re alright! You’re safe!”
I turn my head hesitantly and look at my torturer’s face. But it’s not him. Even in the darkness I can see a different face – a face that I know so well. A gentle face that is so dear to me.
“Kaoru?”
“Yes, yes, it’s me, it’s Kaoru! Kyo-kun, you have to calm down – we’re in a hotel! We don’t need any problems! And you’re safe, Kyo! Nobody’s here except me and you!”
I look him in the face intently until I remember.
Yes, it’s Kaoru. And I’m really safe. And we’re in a hotel. We’re having a trip.
I’m safe.
I lunge into his arms and try to suppress my sobs, but some still escape. Until I let out all the pain and fear, I can’t control myself. My whole body goes numb after the tension is released.
I feel his hands on my back, stroking me gently and I relax. It feels safe – being like this in his arms.
“It was just a nightmare, Kyo-kun, just a nightmare…”
Yes, just a ---
Just a piece of my past coming back to haunt me in my sleep.
“Don’t leave me alone, Kaoru, please, don’t ever leave me alone, I need you, I need you so much…”
He’s saying something to me but I can’t hear it – my head resounds with the sobs that now erupt from my chest like an unstoppable volcano.
***
Kyo’s been very silent for the whole day. He seemed to be deep in thought during our whole ride to Beppu. And even in the ferry he just gazed somewhere ahead, but seemed not to notice anything around himself.
Was he really so affected by the nightmare tonight? Why was it so different this time?
But I don’t dare to ask. I don’t want him to remember that again. I let him have his privacy for as long as he wants. He seems not to be able to shake it off and it worries me a bit. But I hope it will soon go away. That is, if he won’t have another nightmare tonight again.
In the morning we went straight to the direction of Beppu. We didn’t even see the deer. Kyo seemed to want to get out of that place as soon as possible.
I tried suggesting him going back home, but the look he gave me was clearly against this idea. And I didn’t argue. Maybe a couple more days out of Tokyo wouldn’t do more harm.
So by the time we reached the little town of Beppu, it was still not dark. We checked in the biggest ryokan we found and settled. Actually, there was nothing for us to do, just to bring the one bag I had in the room and look around. The room was beautiful – Japanese style, had tatami mats instead of beds and a wonderful view to the little garden.
“I want to go to bath now” Kyo suddenly says making me flinch from the unexpectedness of it. He didn’t say a word since this morning.
“It might be cold outside…”
But I fall silent not finishing the sentence as Kyo’s angry look tells me there’s no point in arguing. We take the shower and then go to the water dam outside the hotel. There are some people besides us, but not that many. We find ourselves a place where we can be completely alone, hidden from other people’s eyes by the rocks.
It’s actually a wonderful place. We’re outside, by the steamy hot water, on the right there’s an old fashioned Japanese style hotel, ryokan, on the left, further away – mountains going up to the sky and disappearing in the clouds. My naked feet are already getting cold from standing on cold stones. I glance at Kyo and become puzzled at the look he is giving me.
“I want to get in the water” he says and looks sternly at me. At first I don’t understand what the problem is, but then I finally get it. I turn around giving him privacy and listen as Kyo takes off the robe and gets into the water.
Then I drop the robe down and get into the water myself. Every second I spend in the chilly autumn’s air my skin starts to get cold. But as soon as I am in the water, it starts getting warm again. It’s wonderfully hot and relaxing. The mountains in the distance and the silence seem to put a spell on me.
Kyo was so right. I needed this escape. I needed this change of surroundings.
I glance at Kyo and my heart sinks a bit. Kyo still looks bothered and unhappy. There was something I wanted to tell him for the whole day and only now I seem to gather enough courage. And the timing seems perfect. I clear my throat and Kyo glances at me questioningly.
“There’s something I want you to know, Kyo. I’ve been meaning to tell you that… you don’t need to be afraid to be alone. I will stay by your side as long as you need me. You’re never going to be alone unless you choose to.”
Kyo looks surprised for a moment, then he lowers his head and looks at his legs in the water.
“But I will have to move out of your place as soon as I’ll be announced sane…”
It is true. When I won’t be his official guardian anymore, there will be no reason for me to keep him by my side. Still…
“You can stay with me as long as you want, Kyo. Even after that. I mean it.”
Kyo lifts his head again and looks at me. His look is so intense, that I get uncomfortable for a moment, but I manage to withstand his stern gaze not lowering my eyes for the whole time.
“For as long as I want?”
I nod.
“Yes, for as long as you want.”
Kyo smiles slightly and suddenly I feel relieved. It was an answer he wanted! Thank God it was what he wanted!
Kyo suddenly shifts closer to me, keeping his eyes on my face. I quickly look around, but in this place we’re alone. I hear some voices coming from somewhere, but we’re covered by rocks from the whole hotel and we’re all alone here, on this side of the water dam.
But when I look back at Kyo, I find his face too close to mine. Actually, his face is dangerously close to mine. But what I feel the next second I wasn’t expecting at all – Kyo nestled close to me, he pressed with his whole frame to my body. And I painfully remember that we both are naked all over.
“Kyo…” I uttered, but my mouth felt so dry that I just couldn’t say anything more. I felt his hands on my shoulders, his chest on my chest, his hips on my hips and his belly pressing slightly lower on my one. His penis getting trapped between his hip and my thigh, his left leg pressed firmly to my right one.
Doesn’t he notice we’re both naked? Doesn’t he notice we’re both SO close to each other?
My body is numb and stiff from anticipation and fear. What the hell is happening?!
I look back up at Kyo and find myself starring right into his deep dark eyes. His black hair moist from humidity and are sticking to his skin, framing his perfect cheekbones and his forehead. The look on Kyo’s face – I have never ever seen such a look before.
But I have no time to think about it. The next thing I know he is leaning even closer to me, finally closing the space between us to the one almost non-existent and then ---
Then his lips touch mine – so gently and so carefully as if they were poisonous. His dry and quivering lips, like a touch of a fragile and powerless butterfly at the verge of falling down on the ground and dying. The first moments seem so surreal that I just let it happen, not knowing if I myself am finally loosing it and getting crazy and delusional.
But the lips remain, Kyo’s hands holding me over my shoulders, his chest pressed to mine so tight that I can count every frantic breath he takes in, his stomach going wild and pulsating in fits and starts. I have to gather my whole willpower not to let my thoughts go lower. But I feel my body betraying me, I feel it getting excited and wild with just this one innocent touch of his lips.
I almost moan in pain when I put my hands on his chest and push him away as gently as I can, because it feels as if I’m tearing off a part of my own body.
I see his puzzled eyes, his face in a fluster. He doesn’t understand.
“I’m sorry, Kyo-kun” I whisper, my throat so dry it almost hurts to talk. “You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything to repay me. You don’t have to.”
He still looks at me puzzled and confused, looking a bit lost.
“But… but what if I want to?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper.
I shake my head slightly, not wanting to believe this sudden burst of emotions, this sudden desire for me, for my body.
“Kyo-kun, I won’t let you repay me like that. It’s not what I’m after. Yes, I love you, love you to death, and that’s why I won’t let you hurt yourself, even if it would be what I dream of. I’m not going to ever use you.”
I push him farther away as gently as I can, but he still screws his face into a grimace now looking angry. The fragile and vulnerable boy gets lost in a moment and I am faced with the hard and cold Kyo I’ve grown accustomed to during many months.
“You’re such a two-faced bastard!”
He lets go of me and draws back, anger fuming from his whole posture.
“So you can kiss me whenever you feel like it and that’s ok? Because you’re sane? And when I want to do that – it’s already not ok? Not ok because I’m fucked up in my head? Because I can’t distinguish real feelings from delusions? Affection from duty and debt?!”
I shake my head while he talks, but actually I get even more confused.
Kyo wants to kiss me? He really does?
But I have no time for questions or actions. Kyo is already climbing out of water, angrily putting his robe back on and walking back to the hotel. Leaving me so taken aback and so shocked.
What the hell has just happened?
I can still feel his body pressed to mine. My damn cock is half hard now and I can’t will it to go away. I feel weak in my legs and... and just so shaken all over.
I somehow manage to get out of water myself. Thankfully the robe is thick enough to hide my hardness from everyone. I head after Kyo, but my head is still void of anything useful or coherent enough.
I only know I have to make him understand my point of view.
I find him outside our room. The balcony doors are open and Kyo is sitting on the threshold, looking at the little garden just the two of us own for this night.
He flinches as he hears me stepping into the room and coming closer to him. But I don’t dare to sit next to him. I just stand a few steps away looking down on him – at his back covered in the robe, his hair damp in the ends, sticking to all directions, his one leg drawn to his chest, the other one hanging over the threshold. But he is still. He waits for my next move.
“Kyo…”
My voice in silence sounds shaky and weak. I gulp and start all over again.
“Kyo, please, don’t be mad at me. Please, just try to place yourself in my place for a moment. You said you feel in debt for me, that you own me, and… and you know that I love you, I really do. And the only thing I won’t ever want you to do because you feel in debt for me is… is trying to answer my feelings just because you know I have them. It’s not what I wanted to achieve by taking you home with me. It’s not what I wanted, Kyo. And I hate to think you’d try to repay me like that.”
I’m out of words finally. The silence feels even heavier between us now. A dreadful feeling starts to creep into my chest, but Kyo’s voice resounds in the air unexpectedly and I stiffen, listening to every single word he says.
“I’m sorry, Kaoru…”
I wait patiently, but he doesn’t say anything else.
What are you sorry for, Kyo? For kissing me? For trying to repay me in a way I didn’t want you to? For what?
“But you should also know that I’d never do anything like this just because I feel in debt for you.”
My throat feels horribly dry while I try to force out the next question.
“Then you… you kissed me because you... because you wanted to?”
He nods only once – quickly and curtly. But it is an affirmation nevertheless.
“Then… does it mean… What does it mean, Kyo?”
For a moment he keeps silent and I wait, tense from anticipation and hope. Finally I see Kyo’s shoulders slump in defeat.
“I don’t know, Kaoru… I’m sorry, but I really don’t know yet… Now the feeling is gone and I… and I don’t want to kiss you anymore.”
Tears stuck in my throat, but by some miracle I manage to force them back down and shift awkwardly where I stand. I missed my only chance and now it’s gone. Gone for God knows how long if not gone for good.
I should have kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the moment, enjoyed the kiss Kyo was willingly giving me because he wanted to, not because he felt he needed to.
Well… no point in crying over the spilled milk now. Even though it was a one in a lifetime opportunity…
But perhaps at least this is the right moment for being sincere to each other for once. If I lost this one opportunity, then at least I will make use of the situation we’re in as much as I can.
“Kyo, is there anything you would like to ask me? You know I’d never lie to you, I’d tell you all answers you want to hear. I don’t want any more misunderstandings between us.”
Kyo keeps silent for some time, but I wait patiently. I always give him time. I always try to.
“What do you really expect from me, Kaoru? You say you don’t want me to move out, that you love me, that you want to be with me, but then the next thing you do is push me away. You kiss me goodnight, but you never… you never… ”
Kyo falls silent and I don’t wait anymore.
“The only thing I want is for you to be happy, Kyo” I manage to say. Because it’s the truth. “If you want to move out, if you want to get away from me, to forget all about me, it would hurt, but I’d survive. Because I chose this path willingly and I never asked anything in return. And when you say that you feel in dept for me… I don’t want you to feel this way, because I’m not expecting anything in return, I’m not asking anything in return from you, Kyo. If you ever want to stay by my side willingly, because you really want to, then I’d be the luckiest man alive. But I don’t need anything from you that you’re not willing to give. I only just try to keep my hopes low. Because… because I know we’re not living in a magical world where all the dreams come true. In a magical world nobody would have ever hurt you in the first place…”
Suddenly Kyo turns to look at me and I see tears in his eyes. I feel warmth spread in my chest for him.
“But you’re unhappy, Kaoru. Aren’t you?”
I shrug my shoulders a bit. True, I don’t have all I want. But on the other hand, I have something I never expected to have. I have total Kyo’s trust and love. Even if that love is not exactly of the kind I crave for.
Kyo stands up and comes near me. He stops just a few inches away from me and looks me in the eyes searching for something there.
“I don’t understand my own feelings, Kaoru” Kyo says silently, as if he was telling me a secret. “But the only thing I know is that I don’t want you to leave me. It doesn’t matter where we are – at your flat, in a hotel or sharing a small rented room. I want to be by your side. I need you by my side.”
He grabs a hold of my robe and clenches his hands into fists, holding on me tightly.
“Because you’re all I have now. All I have…”
I hug him and he lets me do that. I gladly feel that my now diminishing erection is far from Kyo’s reach. I don’t want him to feel it.
“But Kaoru, tell me… are you ok with this? With this situation we’re in?”
I nod. Because I really am ok with this. I have to be.
“But I… I don’t know what to tell you, I can’t sort out my feelings myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it!”
“You will.”
“But it tortures you, Kaoru! I torture you! You obviously want more from me, but I just…”
“Let’s not look so far ahead to the future, Kyo” I interrupt him. “Let’s just live the way we are used to and see what tomorrow brings. And if you one day will understand that you don’t need me anymore, just say it to me. Just be sincere with me. I will understand. Because I never would demand anything from you. You’re back with me – with us – and it’s all that matters. And I’m not lying to you.”
I feel him nod and hug him tighter.
Too many thoughts in my head for me to sort them out. But I can’t help but feel a tiny sparkle of hope awakening in my chest. Perhaps after all there was a slight chance that Kyo would come to love me in a way I love him.
And even if he didn’t ---
I already was the most important person in his life and that was already something I never dreamed of becoming.
So what more can I ask?
Perhaps now I had no rights to ask for more. Kyo was still healing, he was still bearing scars, huge scars from his past. He didn’t need more pain in his life now.
“Kaoru, why wouldn’t the nightmare go away?” Kyo asks, whispers into my chest. I stroke his head gently, kissing him on the forehead.
“I don’t know, Kyo-kun.”
The magnitude of his scars… He can’t bear living with them on his own. Perhaps that’s why he starts talking. He begins with the nightmare he had in Nara. Then he starts telling me the things he had to go through. And I listen. I let him talk. I let him let out all the fears he has, all the pain he has kept locked only for himself to see.
And the more he talks, the more relieved his voice sounds. Even if with every sentence he says his face clouds with sadness.
But perhaps he needed to let it all out. He was keeping these horrors to himself far too long.
And I patiently listen, even if his every word stabs my heart like a knife.
***
It’s strange, really.
I never wanted Kaoru to know anything, not the smallest detail of what I had to go through in that horrid place. But yesterday I told him everything and now I feel relieved. As if a heavy weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders. And it’s not awkward between us. I can look him in the eyes and even if he knows everything, I don’t feel ashamed.
It was the only thing keeping us apart. The only thing I never wanted to share with any living soul. And now Kaoru was that only living soul who knew all about that.
His look changed a bit, he seemed to pity me more now, but it’ll go away with time. It wasn’t a mistake. Now nothing tore us apart. We knew all our secrets.
I knew he loved me, desired me physically, but was willing to wait as long as was necessary, or give up on me at all if only I would tell him to do so.
And he knew me inside out now. If he used to know everything about my body – every inch of it, every curve and no place was a secret for him – he now also knew what was inside. He knew my whole horrid nightmarish past with all the details, and he knew I wanted to live with him, even when he won’t be my official guardian anymore. He also knew I loved him very much. But he also knew this love wasn’t like the love for me that he bore in his heart. My love for him was constructed from habit, the feeling of safety and friendship. Kaoru’s devotion for me attracted me like moth to a flame - I love being taken care of and loved so much. And he knew that now there was a slight chance of me actually wanting him like a lover. A slight chance, but a chance nonetheless.
I can’t make any promises to him. And he is fine with that.
We spend a couple of days in this calm little town and headed back to Nara. This time we spend the whole day sightseeing, but I didn’t want to stay for the night. The nightmares didn’t come back yet and I didn’t want to test my luck by staying in a place where they last came back to haunt me.
We came back to Tokyo and found the flat where we left it. Everything was fine.
This time, when we stepped over the threshold, it felt like coming back home.

TBC

Author’s Comment:
This chapter (I mean both of its parts) made me reach my limits of my writing ability. It was very hard to write. Basically because I myself don’t really know what Kyo should really feel for Kaoru by this point. So if I myself don’t know what Kyo really feels, he then can’t say anything concrete to Kaoru -_- If I have no concrete ideas, I can’t put words in his mouth. So yeah… a shitty situation -_-
But I have an abstract idea of how this should end and I’m heading there now. Next chapter should be the last one (I think). I hope I’ll tie all the knots and will end this nicely. I hope there wasn’t too much confusion in this chapter. I mean, I hope Kyo’s actions and motives are clear enough as well as Kaoru’s. I tried my best to make it as good as I possibly could.
Even though I wanted, I tried to avoid adding additional plots, because then this story would never end :P I’m interested in Kyo’s parents a lot. Maybe I will come to them in the last chapter. If not, then I guess it would be fine. There’s some back-story (or whatever the term), but it’s impossible to put everything I want here, even if I would want that a lot :P
OK, I guess I rambled enough already :P
Comments are love ^^ But I guess you know that already :DDD LOL
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Blurry Days