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Midnight Butterfly	By : Skwishee Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 6674 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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- 3
Edited by Tech Department February 12, 2007 for database corruption related errors.

Chapter Two

Kyo couldn't even mouth the words if he wanted to. And he wasn't too sure if he did. 'He stayed with me? He heard? But I....' Kyo couldn't even think straight, he stayed wrapped tight in the taller man's arms, Toshiya really wouldn't of let him go anyway.

"In your bed. You needed me... and... I couldn't walk away."

Toshiya stared at the lofty ceiling, deep in thought. "Kaoru..." he hesitated. "Kaoru knows too. He's also worried." He sighed heavily, Kyo's head rose with the intake of air from its position lying hesitantly on Toshiya's chest. 'Oh....But when I woke up...' As if almost sensing Kyo's question the bassist spoke again.

"I didn't know how you'd react so I left after it got light outside." He breathed in a long drawn out breath. "Reluctantly I might add." Kyo lifted his head, his face almost completely unresponsive as if he was mutely breaking down every one of Toshiya's words and running it over an over again in his brain.

"I never saw you cry before. I was scared...of whatever it was that was so bad." He paused to look down at the smaller man, taking in his eyes. "I.....I want to know what it was." There was a problem. Kyo didn't exactly know. He figured he could always make some stupid story up about his childhood or something but he had a bit more respect for Toshiya than that. He really did trust Toshiya it was just that he had never let his guard down before, it was a risk he wasn't sure if he should take.

Toshiya's hopeful and quizzical expression was starting to fall giving way to a more somber one. He knew this would be hard. Kyo never gave up emotional information easily, he never talked with anyone about it, just suffered silently and it scared him sometimes. Toshiya tightened his grip on the small man.

"Please." The tone of Toshiya's voice was so light, so pleading, so...hurt, what other choice was there? Kyo remained silent thinking before Toshiya brought himself down a bit to Kyo's eye level and looked him straight in his eyes. There were tiny droplets of water in the corners of the taller man's eyes.

"Please Kyo-kun." Kyo's hand went up to brush off the offending moisture. 'He'll forget in the morning...but...'

Kyo nodded cautiously.

"I just..." he started, looking away from Toshiya's eyes and back down to the floor.

"I've been a bit lonely is all. Pitifully desperate actually. I really hadn't realized I had worried you. I'm sorry."

"Lonely?" Toshiya had concern screaming all over his face.

"Hai, just...at night. It's just that I feel so...empty."

Toshiya tried to hold back a snicker, failing horribly. A perverted grin soon plastered itself on his face.

"Ah! So Kyo-kun wants to be 'filled' ne?" Toshiya said jokingly flashing the undersized vocalist a wink. Kyo rolled his eyes. Trust Toshiya to lighten the mood with a little hentai humor. He really should've seen that coming. Who did he think he was talking to....mother Theresa? Hardly, a drunk Toshiya and that meant one horny bassist. Kyo shot Toshiya a glare before letting out a very subdued laugh. 'I really set myself up for that one...'

"Hentai!" Kyo said, whacking the bassist on the head. Toshiya put his hand to his head, sulking and whimpering in fake pain.

Toshiya wanted Kyo to go on, he was silently begging for him to continue, pleading with his concentrated eyes, genuinely sorry for interrupting. Kyo looked up. Toshiya's face had adopted his previous more apprehensive look once. The vocalist forgot Toshiya had even said anything now.

"I'll listen" Kyo looked up at his friend. His eyes were more than enough for Kyo to confirm his statement.

"I..um." Kyo paused. "How much do you want to hear?"

The bassist shrugged.

"As much as you're willing to tell me." Kyo nodded sheepishly.

"Totchi..." Kyo found it very difficult to even get a word out.

"I guess I'm...kind of jealous actually." Kyo stared past the bassist, his vision not quite locking on to anything underneath the flashing lights.

"What do you mean?" Toshiya just wasn't getting Kyo right now. He hoped maybe Kyo would elaborate a bit more.

"You wouldn't understand Totchi, you're never alone."

A reserved giggle.

"Neither are you."

"It's different though. I'm not talking about work."

Toshiya rolled his eyes.

"Neither am I! You have us anytime you wish."

A blush and a turn of the eye.

"I know. What I mean is...everyone is together, you know? Everyone has someone to chase away all their problems. To love them without restraint. And I have no doubt that I have the love of my friends, that was never the concern. But as for real love Totchi, who saves me from my demons? Who keeps me warm at night? Who do I get to fall in love with?"

Kyo's voice was cracking. He was serious, but trying to hide it all.

"I'm just afraid that I'm supposed to end up alone. It would explain a lot."

Concern was showing on Toshiya's face, marring his attractive features.

"All these girls, everyone that says they want me ends up wanting me to be someone I'm not. Totchi, I am what I am, a five foot two, blonde, frothing bundle of pure vocal talent. That's who I am. And I'm not changing for them. You don't change for love. And I'm going to go home tonight happy, and crawl into my bed, and then let my heart freeze to death just like it does every night. Without someone to keep it beating."

Tears were forming in the very edges of Kyo's expressive eyes. Something was dragging at Toshiya's heart, pulling him under. It wasn't sympathy, it was more like a desperate want to capture the smaller man and kiss away all of his suffering, closing the wounds forever. It was an undying affection, cut loose his wings and let him rise to where he belonged. A butterfly ruling all of heaven.

"I want to feel the warmth, but all I feel is cold." Kyo's words were stilted, slightly detached.

A butterfly must have his wings......

"Ne, I'll warm you up."

Toshiya leaned closer and kissed him lightly, pulling him slightly closer. Kyo blinked a few times and froze instinctively.
"Totchi, I'm not..." he didn't get very far before Toshiya pulled him back, brushing Kyo's pouty lips with his own softly before claiming them. His arms slunk to wrap snugly around Kyo's torso. Kyo was too stunned to do anything but attempt to breathe and even failed miserably at that. His body simply would not register anything, no words, thoughts and especially not motions. Toshiya licked at Kyo's lips, prodding to be allowed access. Kyo unconsciously complied, opening slightly giving Toshiya ample opportunity to delve into his mouth eliciting a startled gasp from the other man. Kyo let out a small almost inaudible moan when he felt Toshiya lightly sucking on his tongue before breaking for air.

Kyo couldn't have moved if he was set on fire...and he kind of was. "T-Toshiya, Iie."

Toshiya brought his hands up to cup Kyo's soft little cheeks, running a stray thumb across his swollen lips.

"Kyo, relax ne?"

Kyo shook his head and pulled back as fast as he was able, nearly bumping into someone behind him. As he was apologizing for the rude action, Toshiya grabbed him again, holding him to his chest.

"Don't be so scared." he quietly stated, his hand softly running through small strands of bleached blonde hair. Kyo began to protest, feeling hands slide down his sides.

"I will never hurt you."

'But you are!'

Toshiya pulled him closer, mouth closing sweetly on Kyo's. Kyo felt the enemy hands continue lower still, the velvety finger tips trailing down, finally brushing delicately across the front of his jeans.

"You need this. You need me. Let me..."

Kyo felt his body tense in excitement. 'Bad body!!!' He mentally scolded himself for letting it get this far. Kyo closed his eyes as Toshiya's lips found his neck, licking gently across his adams apple. 'Oh God. So good. So....NO, Bad! Bad Kyo!' He couldn't even get the words out in his head. 'Friend... Male.... No.' His thoughts trailed off as Totchi slid his string callused hand up the sheer black shirt Kyo had worn, gently running circles across his firm stomach. Toshiya's mouth worked miracles on his pale skin, biting and licking the area around his collarbone. 'Ahhh...please stop Totchi, too good, we can't we...stop. Onegai.' and to Kyo's extreme surprise he did.

Toshiya's hand found Kyo's and slowly started edging him toward the entrance. "I wanna go home... now. Shinya can take the others, he's ok."

'The others? Oh shit! Had they seen..Kaoru..had he...?' "No!" Kyo pulled away, nearly tripping over his clunky platforms, somehow he managed to loosen Toshiya's grip and pushed through the moving bodies at lightning speed as if trying to escape some hated enemy pursuer. 'He's just feeling sorry for me! I'd just be a pity fuck. I won't be!!!' He saw the door and made a mad dash for it, everything was in slow motion like some twisted dream. And he went hurriedly into the cold.

***************

"Kyo...I'm so sorry, I just..." Toshiya slid down to his knees, his back facing one of the many walls adjoining the bar and buried his face into his hands. 'Oh god. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you...to wrap you up...' "To love you" he choked between sobs. 'And you needed me, you've never needed me before. I couldn't stop myself Kyo. Please don't hate me.' Toshiya's tears came, slowly slipping down his cheeks in warm trails, and outside, it began to snow.

* * * * * * * *

Shinya emerged from the bathroom for what felt like the hundredth time tonight. Actually his alcohol intake had been relatively lower than usual, he somehow had a feeling he would be driving home. Even though Kyo never drank, he assumed their short lead singer would be almost dead asleep by the time they all decided to leave and he could not handle letting a sleepy Kyo drive. The club was already boring the drummer who, in all honesty, would've been happier curled up in his bed reading a nice book and clutching a cup of steaming herbal tea. Fat chance. And Die had practically drowned himself and had already taken to drunken giggling and rambling as well as groping. Shinya detested public affection and had to fend Die off more than once, which was another reason he ducked into the bathroom so often. It wasn't likely that Die could find the bathroom in his state and even more unlikely that he could manage to get out of his seat. But the frail drummer was soon to find out that babysitting his koi would be the least of his problems.

Shinya sighed and proceeded towards the westerly wall of the building where the other members of Dir en grey sat plastered at their table awaiting 'one more round' from the attractive waitress. Shinya hated the waitress. She was bubbly, affectionate and what's worse, cute, and Die had been flirting with her all night. He knew Die was just drunk, or incredibly stupid. He was way prettier than she was, made a better woman too as a matter of fact and more than likely looked a damn sight better in a dress. Shinya growled inwardly at the thought and decided he had better get back to the table as soon as possible before Die went off to find another person to grope in the dark.

But then....

Shinya caught sight of a familiar figure crouched near the West entrance. Upon further inspection he noticed that their blue streaked hair was shimmering under the strobes, almost surreally. Toshiya? A slight detour through the writhing mass of club goers brought him closer to his destination. Realizing that it was Toshiya, Shinya sighed inwardly, figuring the blue-haired man had way too much to drink and lost all ability to function correctly, ending up on the floor. 'Dammit all! I am not a babysitter!!' Shinya walked almost furiously toward the shimmering mess of blue. He was in no mood to undertake the horrendous chore of watching Toshiya as well as Die and a half-drunk Kaoru. Shinya nudged the bassist with his shoe.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty." Toshiya didn't respond.

Shinya was getting annoyed. "Dammit Toshiya!" another nudge, this time harder.

Toshiya lifted his head, mascara trails running down his tear streaked face. Looked like someone played Picasso with his cosmetics. Shinya winced, noticing Toshiya's eyes watering. Tears sliding down his porcelain skin to mingle in a single drop that gravity sent crashing down violently onto the floor. Toshiya stared up at Shinya wide eyed, Shinya holding his gaze wordlessly. For moments neither said a word. Then it came.

Toshiya choked on a cry and Shinya dropped to Toshiya's level, sitting back on his heels, not wanting to touch the floor. God knows what sort of diseases were on it. "Toshiya?" Shinya knew Toshiya was emotional, but he had never seen him so hysterical in all the years he'd known him and that was saying something! Shinya put his hands on Toshiya's shoulders shaking him a bit causing Toshiya to raise his head a bit. "Daijoubu ka?" Toshiya shook his head, forcing it back into the part of his knees, which were held closely to his chest. "Shinya, I'm such an asshole." Shinya tossed his head to one side wondering silently whether to make a snide remark or comfort his friend. It didn't take him long to decide.

"What's wrong?" Ah comfort. He'd never get a break. If he wasn't babysitting a band member he was consoling them through some utterly stupid and trivial problem. But he hadn't much of a choice. It was in the 'friend contract' article 2, section1, paragraph 6. He had to listen, under any circumstances however inconsequential they may be. And he was sure this was no different.

"Kyo..."

Shinya froze. Ah so this was Kyo's fault? Kyo was the reason he had to sit here on a dirty floor consoling a drunken and rather horrifyingly smudged Toshiya. When he found that little warumono he was going to get his revenge. Flush his cigarettes down the toilet, kidnap his kangaroo rats, bend all of his safety pin collection. Whatever it was he'd figure it out and then Kyo would be sorry. Toshiya registered the anger on Shinya's face, knowing damn well what the other was thinking.

"Shinya, hear me out please. Don't jump to conclusions." Shinya sighed heavily and nodded scratching between his eyes. This was going to be interesting.

"Go ahead." It came out almost monotone.

Shinya's eyes grew wider and wider as Toshiya conveyed the events of the night to him. Pausing in shock, worry, or to blush at the occasional choice of words Toshiya was using to express emotion. Shinya sat back on his heels, wondering how the hell Toshiya got into situations like these, however still listening to Toshiya speak.

"And then he just ran out the door. I - I tried to chase after him, but there were just too many people in my way and..." he looked toward the door. Cold air seeped through its small corners. Not quite insulated well enough for cold winter nights.
Toshiya shoved his face into the drummers shoulder letting out a series of unusual distraught noises that only Toshiya had the talent of making.

"He hates me Shinya, he was so disgusted. You should've seen his face. I just... I couldn't help it. I wanted him so bad, Shinya I love him." He bit his lip, realizing the words that just mechanically flew from his mouth. Shinya couldn't help but drop his jaw upon hearing Toshiya's despondent confession.

"You what!?" Shinya was getting hysterical. "B-But Kaoru?" 'God Totchi, don't do that too him!'

Toshiya still wept into the crook of Shinya's delicate shoulder.

"Kaoru was never an issue Shinya. I love him. I love Kaoru." Toshiya was so upset he could barely breathe correctly.
Shinya nodded and stood up, Toshiya in tow, thinking it wise not to prod further at the moment. No, he'd wait until Toshiya was totally fit and calm before requesting more information. He said he loved Kaoru. That was enough for now. He didn't even hesitate when Shinya mention their leaders name and the drummer believed every word.

"That's good enough for now. You'll tell me the rest later." Toshiya nodded.

Shinya frowned and hugged his friend.

"Now, let's go explain a little less to the others, ne? Kyo will be fine. He'll go back home."

Toshiya nodded again, wiping a stray tear away from his black splashed face.

"But we'd all better go home and wait for him."

Wordlessly the petite drummer led his friend back towards the table where the rest of the band sat oblivious to the now indignant air that had noiselessly crept into the room. A long night indeed.

***********

Beauty wilts and dies under the freezing sky. Kyo.....

'I was crying again. I think. It was raining so I wasn't entirely sure whose tears they were, mine or some gracious deity sensing my pain, washing away the filth from my small frame. It always seemed to rain when I was sad...or vice versa I suppose, but it was presumptuous of me to believe this exquisite rain was all for me. But then, I needed it to be. So I could pretend. Just for one night I could believe so. The Gods cried for me.

Almost before I even realized I was outside, my body had already decided on a course of action. My feet pounded ruthlessly at the pavement, kicking up water and debris as they came crashing down on the neutral gray concrete. Was I walking or running? The violent beats of music sounded so far away now. Slowly it faded out, drowned by the sound of the rain. The rain......almost as soon as I breathed in its scent it stopped, turning to a crystalline wet snow. It seemingly came down from an endless black void in the sky, beautiful and so lost. Tragically making that fatal plummet toward the ground. To die so quickly, to melt before it could feel, something as beautiful as this. Unfair.

I wrapped my arms around myself. I was still warm, oblivious to the cold. Damn you! And damn me too! Why was I acting this way? Why was I so confused...angry? You were just being your usual drunken self. And the fact that I couldn't stop it, that was the worst. How weak am I? I hated alcohol! One more reason to, I guess. My body was still trying to calm down. It was practically 30 degrees C outside, but I was burning up, breathing hard. Could've been from the running I suppose but...

Who was I fucking kidding? I still felt your hands on me. Pleading for more, for something far beyond words. Only my body was begging. I kissed back, didn't I? You tasted faintly of strawberries. Must've been the margaritas. Still there was something else in there, something that I held on to. Uncertainty. For those few moments, those few otherworldly moments, I felt safe. I never wanted you to stop. But you had to. We had to. There was no other choice. Oh god, I wanted you so bad but....I will never let it happen again!!!! I never wanted it to happen. What were you looking for in me? What were you trying so hard to find? The memory was so surreal, like I had dreamt it. But I had hadn't I? Once before. Becoming your light, empty, and melting all over you.

If you think I cry for you, it's only because you asked me to.
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Midnight Butterfly