Adult-FanFiction.org : Celebrity

Die For Me	By : kagaya Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1754 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
New Comments and Disclaimer: Gods, this is fan fiction. -_-; It has absolutely nothing to do with real life people other than the fact that I wrote this based on stuff bothering me during HIGH SCHOOL ANGST. Wrote this November 13-26, 2000.

---

Shinya came to the studio late the next morning. No one seemed to notice that he was more downcast then usual – he usually was. Yoshiki came in to ask how the interview had gone.

“Did you two slip out your secrets?”

They all laughed and joked about it until practice began, but Die kept his distance from Shinya throughout the whole time. Shinya rubbed his eyes, idly wondering how no one mentioned anything about his puffy eyes. He knew he hadn’t done a good job of hiding it, but he was also thankful that no one decided to ask him. ‘If they even noticed at all...’

At lunch, Toshiya casually sat down next to Die, brushing against the redhead’s arm as he whispered something that made Die flush uncomfortably. Die glanced at Shinya and quickly away when he saw Shinya staring straight at him. He shuffled in his chair, turning towards Toshiya and the two of them chattered about something quietly between themselves. Shinya decided to do what Kyo did. He tried to fall asleep.

But unlike Kyo, he didn’t have that natural talent of falling asleep wherever and whenever. It took a while – Shinya was a very light sleeper – and just as he was about to drift off, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty.” Sparkling blue-contact eyes greeted him. Toshiya.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Shinya saw Kaoru trying to coax Kyo awake. Die was standing to the side, partly adjusting the straps of his electric guitar, partly pretending that he was not looking in Shinya and Toshiya’s direction.

Toshiya was speaking to him, “You look so much better now than this morning,” he grinned. “Beauty sleep does wonders, ne?”

“What’s wrong with what I looked like this morning?” Shinya wasn’t really aware of how guarded his voice sounded.

Toshiya was slightly taken back. “You looked like you didn’t have a wink of sleep last night. Die said you had been crying.” Shinya shot an accusing glare at the redhead, but Toshiya saw it. “Ah, don’t blame him. He only said so because he was worried.”

“...Is it really that obvious?” Shinya said after a while, ‘or was it because Die told...’

“I’m the one who asked him!” Toshiya laughed, nodding. He smirked in Die’s direction, then bent closer to Shinya. “Die says he’s sorry for making you upset.”

‘Is there nothing Die wouldn’t share with Toshiya,’ Shinya wondered. “Did he tell you everything?”

Toshiya looked contemplative for a moment, then replied, “He told me half the story. Only you can tell me the other half – if you want to.”

Shinya couldn’t believe how Toshiya could act so friendly towards him all of a sudden. It’s not to say that Toshiya was a bitch most of the time, though he certainly dressed like one, but... Toshiya was acting like a... a friend.

Kaoru came around then and dragged the bassist away from the drummer, lecturing him about the difference between waking someone and chatting them up. Toshiya laughed.

“But he’s pretty!” Toshiya gave Shinya a knowing look.

“And your beautiful face isn’t enough for you, is it?” Kaoru retorted. Die laughed and Kyo fell straight back onto the couch.

*

Stop looking at me. Stop laughing about my cute, too-pretty face. I never wanted to look like that. I don’t want that kind of attention.

*

“I can’t look at the mirror all the time,” Toshiya grinned sarcastically. “But speaking of sleeping beauties... Kaorukun, look behind you.”

“KYO!” Kaoru scowled at the oblivious vocalist and proceeded to pull him up again.

Shinya sulked behind his drums, absently tapping out a foreign beat when a long shadow fell over him and stayed there. He looked up.

“Yo.”

“Diekun,” he acknowledged. After a while, he added, “I’m not angry at you.”

It was relief that first flashed across his face, then a smile broke out all over again. “I’m glad,” Die began. “Ah... The four of us were planning to go to the karaoke after work; it’s Friday after all. Do you want to come with us? Make it an all Dir en Grey karaoke?”

“...I’d like that,” Shinya smiled slowly. “Sure.”

“Minna, did you hear that? Shinyakun’s coming with us!” Toshiya slung his arms around Die’s shoulders. “Told you he’d say yes if you asked!”

“Nani?” Shinya asked.

“Toshi~” Die whined. “Stop that.”

Toshiya grinned and shrugged. Nothing important, in other words. But it was! Kyo was awake though at last, so they started recording. Shinya tried to focus on the music and pushed the lingering questions to the back of his mind. Later, he decided. He’d look into it later.

Of course, things put off in the beginning seldom do follow through. Shinya had been promising himself for the entire night that he’d at least... find out more about Die and Toshiya’s relationship, but he never seemed to be able to say anything, so the opportunities just seemed to slip right through his fingers.

They had practically gone through the band’s entire history of songs available. Toshiya and Kaoru already claimed a corner of the room for themselves and had started smoking about fifteen minutes ago, while Die and Kyo howled into their own microphone. The third one lay ignored on the table, but Shinya didn’t really want to sing. The smoke was starting to wreck havoc on his nerves and he was using every bit of his willpower not to notice it, which usually had the opposite effect.

“Shinyakun,” a microphone was suddenly thrust close to his face. “Betcha we can sing Hidesan’s Misery better then Teru from Glay!” From the corner, Kaoru made a rude noise and took another drag. Toshiya snickered when Kyo burst out laughing, both of them falling against Kaoru as they cracked up.

“Diekun,” Kaoru spoke with amusement in his voice. “Be nice to other people if you’d like them to be nice to you.”

“Hai, okasan!” Kaoru sputtered on his drink and Die’s eyes twinkled in delight. He looked back at Shinya with the same expression on his face. “Ne?”

Shinya reached for the microphone, but at the last moment, they both dropped it. The microphone slipped through Shinya’s fingers and fell to the carpet with a soft thud.

“Ah! Gomen!” Die picked it up again, held it up to Shinya once more, but this time, Shinya politely shook his head, smiling with reserve.

“Never mind. You and Kyokun go on.”

“Ah, Diekun can sing alone,” Kyo stretched. “I need a smoke,” he laid his mike on the glass table and reached over Kaoru’s for the packet in his bag.

Seeing that no one was taking up the offer, Toshiya decided to let Die off stage gracefully. “I’ll take that if no one else wants to.” Die faltered slightly, but smiled and handed the microphone to Toshiya. Shinya noted how their fingers touched in the exchange, how the microphone didn’t drop to the floor. But he remained quiet as the image of Die and Toshiya together pushed him further into his own misery.

Kyo laughed and remarked how Die and Toshiya made a good duet. Of course, Kaoru agreed.

*

I want… I don’t know what I want… I want you to talk to me, not laugh at me. I want to be seen as myself, not some dainty piece of glassware to be admired, not touched. I want you to touch me. You know how strong I can be. I won’t break. I want you to hold me, so that I can rest for a while and depend on your strength, if just for a while, and not mine.

*

It wasn’t to say that Shinya didn’t at least try to enjoy himself. In the end, out of boredom, he punched in a few songs on the remote control, and had a few drinks to loosen himself up. So maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to sing ‘First Love’...

“Shinchan~” Slightly tipsy, Die reverted to using his pet name for Shinya without realising. “Kirei.” He had been referring to the song.

“Honto?” The level of alcohol Shinya had consumed – and he had been careful not to drink too much – could not account for the sudden flush upon his face.

“Un.” Die nodded enthusiastically. “Now I really wanna know. What was Shinchan’s ‘First Love’ like?”

“Maa...” Toshiya poked his head round. “You’re making his face redder than your hair!”

“Impossible...” Kyo muttered, his head resting on Kaoru’s lap.

Kaoru chuckled, absently stroking Kyo’s hair. “Nothing’s redder than Die’s hair.”

“Except blood,” the small vocalist grinned sadistically for a moment before nodding off and Shinya wondered just what the two of them really did in their spare time – not that he really wanted to butt in to other people’s...

“Ah... we’re going off topic!” Die wouldn’t let Shinya slip past this time. “You must have at least fallen in love once, Shinchan! Tell us!”

“I don’t have to.” Shinya realised that he was stuck in the corner now and Die was advancing on him like a... drunken... predator. ‘Eh?’

“You’re always so reserved around us...” Die mulled over that statement, then grinned adorably. “Could it be that you’re secretly in love with one of us?”

Shinya froze. ‘How did he... Does Die... When...’ He’s always thought he’d been so careful up to now... “A-anou... Diekun,” he stuttered, “You’re drunk!”

Die blinked and his grin became feral. “Not drunk enough to forget you, Shinchan,” he teased.

‘He can’t forget me?‘ Hope fluttered in Shinya’s stomach but he quickly squashed it. Toshiya leaned his elbow on Die’s shoulder, the two of them circling him in the corner. Shinya looked pleadingly over at Kaoru, who had taken up a microphone, singing to Kyo with a content, dreamy smile on his face.

Toshiya giggled. He wasn’t as drunk as Die. “Aah, you’ve been on Diekun’s mind for some time now. I’ve had to listen to him moan about how you always keep everyone in the dark for weeks – months!” Shinya felt his whole body burning from Toshiya’s words. “If you’re not going to tell us, I’ll never stop listening to Diekun’s whining!”

“I never whine!” Die protested, but Toshiya just grinned at him. “Fine...” he looked away, blushing. It made Toshiya laugh out loud. It sounded loud, to Shinya.

“I... I don’t like anyone.” Two pairs of eyes blinked at him. “No one,” he repeated, shaking his head, refusing to look at them. “I can’t love. ”

Die’s eyes seemed to clear more. “But you have to love. If you don’t love, how can you create music? How can you play your drums and write your songs?”

“But they’re not alive. They’re just things I work with... I don’t love.” He looked into Die’s eyes. “Diekun, stop it.”

*

I know I don’t need you. You can rely on yourself alone. But I need you in a way I don’t want to admit to myself.

*

Toshiya fell silent, eyed Die and gestured for him to go away, which he did. As Die left, saying he needed to make a phone call, the blue haired one slid up to the seat beside him, wrapping an arm around his back. “Ne, Shinchan, we were just joking around. Don’t take us so seriously.”

“You think it’s just a joke, don’t you? Am I a joke to you?” Shinya asked quietly.

Amazed at the sudden anger directed at him, Toshiya leaned away, staring into his friend’s face in wonder. “Shinchan... no... of course not!”

Kyo had woken up then and both he and Kaoru were silently watching them. Shinya felt his skin flush in the most uncomfortable way. ‘They all just make fun of me, don’t they? Just waiting for me to do something stupid. Well, I just won’t!’

He stood up, took out his wallet and set some money on the table before he walked through the door, which closed with an unintentional slam.

Die jumped. He had been waiting outside for sometime, though Shinya was sure that it definitely wasn’t because of him.

“I thought you were making a phone call,” the young man said icily.

“Ah... I was trying to remember Yoshikisan’s phone number,” Die held up his mobile, smiling weakly. Shinya recited the number coolly off the top of his head and waited for Die to make a move. Die looked at him, surprised.

“Wow,” the redhead commented at last. He punched in the numbers, saving them to his memory card. “Thanks.”

“You usually have a good memory for numbers,” Shinya stated simply. Die flushed with embarrassment and laughed awkwardly, not meeting him in the eye. “Weren’t you going to call Yoshikisan?”

“Uh...” Die struggled with his words. “I forgot what I wanted to call him for... heh.”

Shinya stared at him for some time, unblinking. Finally, he turned towards the corridor, walking away from their room.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Shinya shook Die’s hand off, whirled around and glared at him. “Well, it’s obvious that you’re just trying to avoid me. Why ask me to come in the first place if all you’re going to do is make fun of me?” He felt tears stinging at the edge of his eyes, but held back. Like hell he was going to let Die see him cry again!

He walked away knowing that Die wasn’t going to chase after him again. Die was so considerate, you know. So fucking considerate and stupid. And a horrible liar!

Shinya’s mobile rang when he was walking to the subway and he cursed when he couldn’t seem to find it without rummaging all the way to the bottom of his bag.

“Moshi moshi,” he growled irritably.

“Shinyakun? It’s me,” Toshiya’s voice, He actually sounded worried.

“Yes, Toshiyakun,” he spat out the last syllable hatefully.

“What’s wrong? You seemed fine when you were singing...”

‘What’s wrong, he had to ask!’ “Nothing,” Shinya replied, his mind screaming, ‘Everything!’ “I’m just tired. I didn’t have enough sleep. I’m fine.”

Toshiya didn’t say anything for a moment. “... So you’re going home now, right? Do you want Kaoru to take you home or anything. You guys live close, ne?”

“I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I can take care of myself!”

There was a shuffle at the other end, some incoherent whispers. “This is Die here.” A tear slid down Shinya’s face at the sound of Die’s harsh voice. “Look, Shinyakun, I said I’m sorry. I’m getting irritated by your behaviour and you’re making Toshiya cry.”

Interestingly, Shinya had never seen Toshiya cry, though he had always heard...

“So what do you want me to do about it?” He heard himself reply. Why did his voice sound so hollow? “I’ve already stepped on the train,” he lied, watching as the train left the platform without him.

Die was silent at the other end. “Have it your way then,” he finally said. “See you on Monday.” A sharp beep told him that the line was dead.

*

I’m afraid of the change. I don’t want to be laughed at. I care too much for what people think and say about me, I know, but can you show me how not to care? Can you break me down and show me?

*

Is it that the ones who show their tears gain the most sympathy? But Shinya didn’t really want people to feel sorry for him. He wanted them to feel sorry for what they do to him. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. They weren’t right to hurt him.

A voice in his head told him that they weren’t trying to hurt him. ‘I’m just being difficult, aren’t I? A little kid.’ A pause. ‘Yes.’ Another silence. ‘So?’

He wouldn’t have fallen asleep anyway, even if the phone hadn’t begun ringing. It was Die.

“Toshiya wanted me to check up on you.” What happened to Toshiyakun anyway?
It was always the pretty ones. “...How considerate of him.”

“Have you calmed down yet?”

Shinya scoffed. “Why shouldn’t I be?”

He heard Die sighing into the phone. He wished Die was right beside him, holding him tight and close and safe.

“Are you sober?” Shinya asked.

“Aah. I could have had more to drink, but Toshiya wouldn’t let me.”

Toshiya. Again. “Oh.”

“Ah... silences make up the most of men’s conversations, ne?” Shinya had to admire his attempt at a joke.

“I’m not much of a man, am I,” Shinya said quietly.

“Sure you are...” but Die didn’t seem to have much proof.

He laughed. “I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

“... Sou...”

“Nn?” Did Die really understand what he was trying to say?

“Are you lonely, Shinyakun?” Shinya’s eyes widened just a little. He didn’t dare say anything. Die continued. “You were afraid that you’re not going to find a girlfriend, because you don’t look or dress like a man, ne? No wonder you’ve been so snappy lately.”

‘No... It’s not like that.’ Shinya closed his eyes and pressed his face into the pillow.

“Do you think I’m desirable?”

“Nani!?” Die’s suddenly high voice level contrasted strongly with Shinya’s soft tone.

“If I were to tell... someone... that I was in love with them, do you... think they would love me back?” He licked his lips and sped up, “I mean, say Toshiyakun told you he loved you, what would you do?”

”Ah?! Toshi and I are just friends! He doesn’t even like me that way!”

“Then Kaorukun, or Kyokun!”

“Iie! If either of them said that to me, I wouldn’t be ‘Die’; I’d be ‘dead’!”

“Then… if I told you?” Shinya paused. He knew he couldn’t take it back now. “If I told you that... I loved you, what would you do?”

There was a long silence on the other end. It killed Shinya ever so slowly.

“If...” Die began, his voice quieter and more paced, “If you said that you loved me... I... I think... I’d love you, too...”

Shinya couldn’t believe his ears.

“...Shinyakun?”

Why couldn’t he open his mouth and say something?

“Shinyakun?!”

“Ah!” He had been holding his breathe. “I’m still here,” he sighed into the phone. “Diekun.” Was that really Die? Not some sick joke his mind was playing?

“Hai.”

‘Oh, Kamisama... he’s really here...‘ Shinya couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Goodnight, Diekun.”

“Nani?”

“I said goodnight.”

“... G-goodnight.”

*

I was so afraid of losing you, as my brother... Are you still my friend? I don’t know how we could survive together when we’re constantly at each other’s necks. Someone has to tell sometimes. Then we fall back in silence. And you would smile, act like it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s not an act. Do you know how much I need you?

*
- 1
- 2
- 3
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Die For Me