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May All Be Pain or Love	By : Skwishee Category: > Kyo/Kaoru Views: 5674 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Notes for Chapter 1:
* hannya - The name of the style of masks that look like oni faces. Kyo wears a ring and a necklace like this, and a hannya head is featured in the packaging of Kimon if I'm not mistaken. These are distorted "demonic" faces with horns that come out of the top.
* shihan-sama - "master instructor" this is a respectful term to a daimyo in these days, especially one that would help train the samurai but was held above the title of "sensei"
*hei - Kyoto dialect "yes" . same as Hai
*tayuu - high class prostitutes

Chapter 1

March 19th, Tokugawa 33 (1636)

My world was becoming smaller everyday. Once there was a country and in this a city. There were forests and rivers and people. In the streets there were merchants: old women selling varnished jade ornaments, old farmers selling their new harvest, young women selling themselves and the young men that would buy them.
Once there were temples and patrons to visit them because once there were deities to worship. There was sound, there was light, there was the feel of the wind in the rain. Now... what was there now? In this moment all of those things had gone, vanished into a sweet smelling air, and all that had been left in my world was myself and this creature that I loved. His long hair was the silk strand web in which I had been bound and kept vulnerably on display. He was the only thing left... And that was fine because the rest of the world wasn't that important anyway.

A crack to the side of my head sent me stumbling backwards, and staggering I realized that I had become distracted by, not my enemy, but my master. The world had come careening back to me and I had found myself surrounded, not by that sweet, colorless air, but by walls and paper screens and the indigo ink that our assistant used to mark his paper with made the room smell like the air had only just seen a heavy rain.

"Kaoru! That's two hits I've gotten, and you'll have a busted skull if I smack you once more."
I was startled out of my thinking to find Dai staring at me expectantly and only then did I remember that I had been sparring with him before I slipped into my miniscule coma.

Only when I began to speak did I feel a pang in my cheek from the hit.

"I wasn't ready." I said calmly, stepping back into position. "You hit like a woman anyway."

Dai glared. "Any man who's been to pontocho would take a great compliment from that."

He made several bold thrusts toward me which I parried with enough skill to satisfy the perfectionist in me while still being far from any sort of perfect. He circled me once; I followed his every movement, mirrored him, watching, waiting. When he swept at me again he had only a fraction of a second to react before my bokken was at his neck, hovering inches away from contact.

"Hit," announced Naoya. I lowered my sword and gave a deep bow. "That means I win, Dai-kun."
He kicked at me playfully. "Just like always."
"Maybe if you'd practice more often instead of spending so much time with Saki you'd win once in awhile."
Kyo laughed. "Saki...is she the one who lets her breasts hang out all the time? The tayuu?"
"You don't like breasts?" Dai laughed. It must have amazed him that not all men made goddesses of naked women.
Kyo made a sound of distaste. "Not hers."
I waved my sword at him playfully. "Are you going to challenge the winner or not?"
Kyo stepped up, brandishing his own wooden sword.

Since Kyo had spent most of his time learning in his youth, away from the distractions of a normal childhood, he was unusually skilled in bujutsu. He had studied and mastered several techniques: kyudo, kenjutsu, bajustu, tessen, fukihari, aikido, and many other forms of armed and unarmed combat. The priests at the temple were warriors, teachers, scholars. Their teachings had been invaluable.

"Are you really going to fight him?" cried Naoya, setting down his bit of paper he'd been marking notes on. A well organized man such as he kept frequent records, whether they were anything of real use or not.
"Shouldn't I?" Kyo asked.
"Well, it's decisively one sided. He's going to lose." Naoya responded.
"I know that." Kyo replied. "I don't think he minds.

I motioned for him to move across from me and into position. "I have no problem with losing to you, but winning isn't impossible. Come one day, I may beat you. "
"That's highly improbable!" said Dai as he rested on the side lines; he drank a cup of water from the small pot beside him.
"But not impossible." I re-stated. "And besides, I need the workout."

Kyo took his position opposite my own, tabi-clad feet sliding over the tan mats. He dressed like a woman; in elaborate silk kimono and obi. But no matter how restrictive his garments for active movement they never seemed to hinder his fighting skill or reaction time. His golden hair was pulled up high, draping down to his waist in the back, but effectively away from his face while he sparred.
Finding myself focused on him my mind began to wander once again. This time the distraction was born from his eyes. I couldn't begin to imagine what any other person could have thought staring into those eyes. Two little slits cutting through a band of paleness as cold as a midwinter's snow. No, I couldn't possibly imagine the nervousness that would strike you when you faced them with your sword unsheathed, all your diligent training falling away in a heartbeat. Because to me, and perhaps to few others those cold, hateful eyes weren't that at all, they were mirthful, bright, emotional...vulnerable. Beautiful.
"Hajime!" announced Naoya, and we stepped into place.
Truthfully, it didn't last long at all. My distraction affording him an even easier win than usual. He stepped up, advanced, we crossed blades and I was so greatly overthrown that I had flown backwards from the force.

Dai snorted. "Some workout."

The geiko that sat along the side of the room let out a small applause. Three of his favorites were invited to attend our practices, and it was only because they amused him that he allowed them to come at all. "Kyo-sama is so graceful." said one of them.
"Ah! Kaoru-san looked petrified!" said another. I frowned. I hadn't looked anything of the sort.
"Kyo-san" said the third, using a less formal tone. "You should go easier on him. All this sword work! Really, it's brutal!"
The geiko began to talk amongst themselves, much to my great displeasure.

"It's not brutal at all. It's like a dance!"
"Mmm, to dance with Miyamoto-san!" One of the geiko giggled. "All that hair flying around."
"Kirei na!" said another. "Kyo-san! Will you dance with one of us?" she whined.
Kyo looked at them strangely. "I don't dance."

I smirked, putting my bokken in its place on the rack. "I don't think you could keep up with him, Yuka. If he dances like he fights."
She pouted. "I could! I'll have you know I've been trained by the best dance teachers in Gion!"
One of the others nudged the geiko called Yuka and whispered. "I think Kaoru-san wants to dance with Kyo."
Honestly! The things these women could say.
"Ehhh, what are you saying Seikou!?"
"Don't you see how he looks at him?" said Seikou.
"Maybe he's just curious as to what's under that mask!" spouted the third geiko, Masako.

Ah, yes. The mask. I had forgotten about that. It seems such a common thing for me to see, it slipped my mind entirely. I did tell you Kyo was reclusive, didn't I? Well perhaps I should elaborate on one extent of it. His face was a subject of much controversy. Was he beautiful? Was he deformed? Was he beastial?
His real face he showed to very few. Myself, his 'family', and maybe few of his closest servants and samurai had seen him. Naoya had, but few others. Everyone else saw one of several masks: hannya and noh alike.
"I've seen him." I replied, calm and composed.
"Ehhhh!!?" exclaimed Yuka and Masako together. "Show us!" they whined, near on perfect unison.
"If you'll tell no one." he said seriously.
"Mou, that's no fun." said Masako. "You sound like the magistrates."
"But he won't have us arrested."
"No, he'll hire Kaoru-san to kill us for sure." cried Yuka, stifling her laughter.
Masako let out a burst of high pitched giggles. "Kaoru-san!? I don't think I'd be very afraid of him."
"Masako! Don't say things like that! These are real samurai! Not like the militias!"
I laughed and shook my head. The things women could imagine...
"I'd have to oblige as much if you disobeyed his orders." I replied.
"Kill us!? Oh no, Kaoru you couldn't! Not you! But maybe we should agree, shouldn't we Masako?" Yuka looked nervous.
"Hei! If he'll take that horrid thing off I'll agree to anything. My curiosity is going to kill me!"
And they all agreed. "We won't tell, we promise."

When Kyo was satisfied that he believed them he took the hannya mask in hand and we all watched as the horned face slid down his own until it was far away from that caramel skin.
The girls all gasped but said nothing for the longest time, clearly stunned silent. Then one of them made a face of wonderment and cried out.
"Utsukushi!!"
"Why ever do you wear that old oni!?" said one of them.
"Kyo-sama is quite beautiful." said another.

They weren't flattering him. Maybe I would've believed it had I never seen him myself. Geiko were brazen sycophants. But this time what came out of their mouths was entirely honest. He was beautiful. Inhuman...but his nonpareil features only seemed to add to his attractiveness. His skin was the color of sand and in various places the textures seemed to change from flesh to golden scale, mostly around his eyes. It was subtle, but to any person not quite familiar with it, it was altogether tremendously distinct and unusual.
"Kaoru-san is so cute! Look how he's staring!" shouted Yuka playfully and she clapped her small hands.
I was not! Well...maybe a little, but he was quite distracting.
"Nobody challenge him!" said Seikou and she held her arms out in warning.
"He'll just fall over from the blows."
"No wonder he can't concentrate." Masako laughed. "Kyo-san is like a beautiful woman."
Kyo smirked. "I'm not a woman, Masako. Most certainly not!"
"But suddenly Kaoru wants him to be!" said Seikou.
I grumbled under my breath. Trying to force the heat out of my face.
"He prefers him a man, I think." Dai added, much to my displeasure.
I was so embarrassed really that even after I sent him a reproachful look, I couldn't help glancing at Kyo again and again to see if he seemed angry with me. He looked at me with what appeared to be vague amusement, but with a twinge of curiosity, which only made me feel more self conscious.
o o o

Ten or fifteen minutes passed by—all the while the teasing had hardly ceased— but thankfully the geiko were so busy admiring Kyo themselves that they had mostly forgotten about me. They had asked all sorts of impertinent questions, most of which he hadn't bothered responding to. We drank sake by a low table one of the servants graciously brought in for the occasion.
Once they were all a bit tipsy and sure that Kyo wasn't going to answer any of their inquiries, they turned their focus back to myself.
"Kaoru-san is so talkative." joked one of the girls. Since my attentions were elsewhere I didn't bother wondering about which one. "He's hardly stopped chattering this whole time." Of course she was being sarcastic. I had barely said a word.
Yuka laughed behind her sleeve. "So noisy."
Kyo shook his head. "I don't think he wants to be here, but I'm keeping him."
I turned my head toward him in surprise. "It's not that."
"So he talks when Kyo-san speaks to him." Masako giggled. "But not when we do."
Dai set down his cup and laid his hand on my shoulder. "Why don't we go out for some air. I need to run a few errands. You can come with me."
I shook my head. "No. It's okay. I can handle a few geiko."
"Are you sure?"
"Dai. Don't push him." said Kyo. "I'll keep them from biting him."

Before any of us could say another word there came a loud crash on the other side of the door and we all jumped. The shoji was slid aside and another of the clan's samurai, Ryuta, came staggering into the room. I felt myself go sick with worry the moment I saw him, because he had several deep cuts on his face and body and his yukata was in disarray. He had a bandage in one hand that he was already trying to work around an angry wound in his arm, while he struggled to hold his sword with the other. All the while, a female servant busily flew about him with more cloth for his wounds and another behind her with a towel and a bowl of water. He swatted at them in irritation.
"Do you know what a fool I am?" he asked.
I said his name softly in astonishment.
"Shizuro and myself were speaking near the western bridge -- there have been many strangers here as of late -- or strangers as neither he nor I had ever seen. The Ryozen clan has been recruiting ronin. We recognized none of them, but they all wore the Ryozen family crest. I'm sorry, we were careless." He kneeled when he saw Kyo. "Shihan-sama."
The servant woman behind him didn't know what to do and so she too dropped to her knees upon catching a glimpse of our master and she turned her head away from him, noting he wasn't wearing his mask.
Some of the women were afraid to see him, as some of the samurai had made them believe you could invoke the wrath of the oni clan by looking at their king. Though...he wasn't their king, and it was most certainly a ridiculous notion to begin with. I had my doubts whether there really was an oni-clan to begin with. Though I had seen my fair share of unexplainable persons.
"You and Shizuro? Are you alright?" I asked.
"Considering the scale of the fight we're relatively unharmed. We'll be alright. Though they had a few choice words against our house, but we sent enough of them home wearing bruises."
Kyo frowned. "That's odd...or off...something must've provoked them. We've never made enemies of them before. Why would they attack?"
"I don't suppose they had meant to, but Shizuro is young and was angered by some of the comments."
"He attacked them?" Kyo snarled. One thing he hated was for his own samurai to go around starting fights.
"Not really, my lord. He said a few thing he shouldn't have, maybe, but I've already reprimanded him for it. Ryozen sent this to aid their swords, it may explain some things, I'm not sure."
Ryuta tossed a rolled piece of paper at me, which I handed to Kyo. He read the parchment silently, steadily. His eyes disbelieving.
"This is..."
"What does it say?" I asked, but Kyo only looked at me sternly. "I'll tell you, but not here." He gave the order to dismiss the geiko and left the room. I followed after as though I were a thread of unraveling silk trailing from his robes.
He didn't tell me alone. He had instructed me to wait until the others had come, and then enter. Because I was his personal retainer, his best friend. When all had finally come to his call I slid open the door, bowed and asked permission to enter, as was customary.
I understood at once that the paper must've held something important because all of 'us' were there: the family and the few notable samurai in the house that Kyo had managed to trust after long years of service.
Thus, in this company, he remained unmasked and more at ease. I entered and took my seat beside him. I kept quiet.
"What's this about, Kyo?" asked Toshiya. Toshiya...let me tell you about Toshiya. He had grown up to be a gorgeous waif of a creature. His long black hair brushed the broad part of his chest from where it spilled down his head in a free sort of mess, all cut in straight edges, even the little line of bangs that hung prettily over his almond eyes. His features were almost that of a woman's. Mostly that was the role he accepted for himself. He was far too outwardly feminine to be a 'man' but he had a natural talent for the stealthier bujutsu skills. So, instead of becoming a samurai like Dai and I had become, he had spent his time learning various skills, of which the occult art of ninjustu was a part of, as well as studying the majority of a geiko's skill in the arts.
"The Ryozen clan has given us this..." Kyo held up the scroll that had laid in his lap. No one spoke, but they all waited for more to be said.
"It's an accusation, more than a challenge." said Kyo. "Seven of Ryozen's best warriors were slain...our family's crests were lain on their bodies." he paused. "Ryozen and ourselves have always been civil to one another ... which only leads me to wonder how something of this nature came about, especially without my knowledge."
No wonder they attacked us...such a grave iniquity to execute warriors in cold blood.
"Can any of you tell me what this is?" Kyo's eyes narrowed balefully. But no one said a thing.
"Any of you?" he yelled. "Why are my men murdering clansmen? The orders had to come from one of you! If they came at all...Or someone else has done this and expects us to fall."
"Even if someone were setting us up...to get the crests they'd have to..."
Kyo interrupted before Toshiya finished.
"Come from someone in this room. Either way one of you has betrayed me." he looked to Toshiya. "I won't believe it's you, Toshiya, nor you Dai. And I can't imagine that Shinya would have done this." he swallowed hard. "I may be a fool to exclude that possibility, but I choose not to believe that one of you would betray your own family."
I breathed in nervously, wondering why he hadn't said my name as well. Surely he wasn't considering that I...
His scowl grew. "But one of you..." he said to the other samurai in the room. "One of you, if any of you...if you have crossed me I will see you suffer."
The threat was so solid that no one in the room would have doubted for a minute that he would back up his words. He breathed in deeply, eyes shifting around the room. Quietly the sun passed in and out of the shadows and broke in the paper windows. this made the room seem alive and tense.
"And so none of you will speak up? Tell me, have I ever given you reason to hate me? Why go to such lengths to see my house fall? Can no one tell me that?" He snarled angrily. No one said a word, even though he waited patiently as he could for someone to speak up.
"Well, keep your silence." he said finally. " I promise you that I will find out, and when I do...I will show you just what these claws are for."
Kyo didn't say anything more. He only stood and stormed out of the room.

I found him minutes later in the courtyard. He was pulling caterpillars off the cherry trees, watching them squirm in his hands.
"You're not considering I would..."
His eyes went wide.
"You?" he held his breath, looking into my eyes. "No, not you. If it were you I'd let you destroy me..."
"Don't say that." I said.
"Why not? After all, all that stands in anybody's way from getting to me is you four and you leading the offense. If it were you behind this I'd just as soon let you do it. You're all I have anyway."
I sighed, but I knew it was true, which was why I hated it I think. I would have liked to believe that he had enough fight in him to go on without the four of us at his side, and perhaps he did, but to him it would have been pointless.
Really we were the only reason he grew up happy. That may sound arrogant, but I'm just being honest. He might have been a terrible power otherwise. A bitter demon means a likewise bitter massacre. And I knew he had the power to breed a tragic end for all of Kyoto. He could do it by his voice alone. That's something also that I have forgotten. He could raze with just his voice and it was such a glorious...hellish sound.
"I wish you wouldn't think that way."
He cocked his head to the side. "How would you have me think?"
I didn't say anything, only looked away as he bent to the ground and dug a small hole in the dirt with his long nails. The motion made my heart stop, the cold little hole, swathed inside with a wet, earthen darkness. A grave.
"See. You leave me no suggestions. Then I must follow my own thoughts."
"Which are?" I inquired.
He watched the caterpillars climb his hand, wander his wrist. I cringed at the thought of those little churlish legs sliding across his skin. They didn't frighten me, those tiny creatures, but I didn't like them. Feeling along his arm, hollow eyed ghosts of devils reincarnated. Creatures that were doomed to devour living things, parts of the earth. Little hideous characters that ate the life out of these beautiful trees, that slid along the silky hands of my master.
"That I would give you the chance to dig my grave." he said as he pulled them off his arm, one by one, and placed their wriggling bodies in the hole. I watched as they fought to climb out, but couldn't grab hold of the steep dirt walls of their tomb. It sent a chill through me. The panic they must have felt when they discovered the intention in his eyes. Once every last one of them was in the ground he moved the pile of dirt he had dug out from the earth back into the hole, watching as the ugly little things were buried alive. Then he placed a stone on top of where the hole had been and looked at me.
"It's the only way to deal with devils."
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May All Be Pain or Love