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Better Days	By : Kashshaptu Category: Dir en grey > General Views: 1765 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Dir en grey. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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AN: Next chapter! This is one I had lots of trouble with so I hope you like it. Let me also explain why I'm making this fic in a present tense format....it's to get this sense of distance. It's like you're watching the whole scene with a veil in front of your eyes. Like how Shinya must see the world now. ^^;; Well, that's just my view of it ^^;; Enjoy!

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I can still feel it, you know. It’s like they never removed it. I feel the blanket caressing my foot, tickling my shin. People say it’s normal. I think it’s weird. I can’t feel my legs except for the part they cut off. Phantom limb, they call it. It even hurts sometimes. Phantom Limb Pain. Makes even less sense to me.

It happened for the first time just after surgery. I was in the hospital and they had just told me everything. My leg was gone, as well as my girlfriend and most probably my career as a drummer. My parents had just left, with the message that I’d go to some fancy rehabilitation centre near Tokyo. Everyone and everything had left me.

Some nurse came in. One of those insecure little girls, fresh out of school. She wanted to cheer me up, buying me some fruit at the small hospital shop. As she brought it in on a plate, she sat down on my bed to cut the fruit into small pieces.

That’s when I felt it. A sharp pain lacing through my non-existent limb. I yelled out in pain. The girl was scared out of her mind. I yelled at her…

“Watch out you twat! Don’t sit on my leg!!”

She immediately stood up, eyes wide. I had frightened her greatly.

“But Terachi-san. Your leg, it’s not there. I sat on the bed.” She was careful with her words, not sure if it was the right thing to say.

And indeed it angered me. “If it’s not there, then why do I fucking feel it?” I yelled out. It was the first time since the accident that I really talked or reacted in any kind of way and the poor girl was on the verge of tears. It must’ve been confusing for her. She was just someone to give people food and cheer them up, not a real nurse.

But at that moment I didn’t care. My leg was hurting like hell. “GET A FUCKING DOCTOR! ARE YOU BLIND? I’M IN PAIN!!” I screamed at her.
She looked at me, tears brimming in the edge of her eyes as she quickly ran out of the room.

I was sitting up as I grasped my leg with two hands as if it was there. Don’t get me wrong. I could really feel it. I could feel the blanket on my leg as my hand was grasping it.

A few seconds later, a doctor came rushing in. I looked up at him, eyes pleading. This hurt too much. I wanted him to explain what was going on.

He looked at me and nodded as he punched in a few buttons on my IV.
“The pain will go away, Terachi-san,” He started explaining as I saw the frightened girl from before standing in the doorway, looking at me with large eyes.

“What you’re experiencing, sir, is what we call a Phantom Limb. Ninety percent of the patients who lost a limb experience the same. A Phantom Limb means that you sometimes feel the limb that has been removed from your body. It would feel like it’s still there, though it’s not.”

He looked at me as I nodded. I started to relax. Whatever he gave me through that IV started to work.

“Now, in this case, you not only experience Phantom Limb, but also something we call Phantom Limb Pain. As you can guess, it means you have painful feelings in the Phantom Limb. There have been many reports about it by patients and specialists are still not sure why or how it’s caused. The percentage of people getting Phantom Limb Pain lies somewhere between thirty and seventy-five percent. As you can see, that’s not a very accurate number, but it’s all we have for now. Scientists and specialists are still studying this and there are also various theories about it, but we have yet to discover the true story behind it.
What we do know is that this pain and feeling in the non-existent limb is a good thing. It will make it easier to wear a prosthesis and handle it naturally eventually.
Luckily, we did find out that the pain you experience can be treated easily most of the time with codeine. That’s what I just gave you. If you start to feel pain coming up again, just ring the nurse’s alarm instead of scaring young girls, OK?”

The doctor gave me a wink and I gave him a weak nod as I tried to process all the information I got. I felt my body becoming tired as I slowly closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, probably because of the painkillers.

At the moment I feel it too. A dull throb goes through it. It’s not painful, more uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like my foot or my leg is asleep, a prickling sensation all over. This doesn’t bother me as much; I like the feeling. I’ve always liked it. The funny thing is that, for some reason, this feeling goes away when I start to massage my right leg.

The human body is such a weird thing.

***

With a startle I awake. His face. I saw it again, in my dream. He haunts me. Every time I go to sleep I see his face, his pretty angelic face, just looking at me.

“Damnit!” I curse as I see the time on my alarm clock. I overslept. I quickly got out of bed and head for the shower. “Another exciting day at work.” I mockingly say to no one in particular. Another day of trying to get Shinya to go outside with me. He needs fresh air. He needs to get out of the depression he’s being pulled into.

Maybe things will be different today. We’re on a first name basis now. Yesterday, when I gave him the notebook, for an instant I had seen the happiness in his eyes. The way he must’ve been happy before all of this. He said I could call him Shinya.

Such a pretty name.

When I’m all done with my morning ritual of showering, eating and getting dressed, I set off for work. I live very close to the centre. They take care of that stuff, making sure their staff is nicely accommodated, not too far away.

I decide to walk today. The weather is really nice anyway. I put on my jacket and shoes and step out of the door, locking it behind me.

I walk through the quiet neighbourhood. Everyone is still asleep and it gives me an opportunity to think about the dream I had last night.

Call me Shinya…

Gah! What is wrong with me? I need to detach myself more from my patients. I always get way too much involved. But I know I’ll never keep that promise to myself. For some reason I like to be involved. To be a part of someone’s life. And let that person be a part of mine. It’s comforting.

I guess I’m just lonely.

I shake myself from my thoughts and look up. I’m in front of the centre. I didn’t even notice that I’m already there. As I walk inside and greet my co-workers, I glance at my watch. 7.56…Damn, Shinya needs his breakfast in four minutes. He only seems to eat fruit, so I hope I still have time to prepare some extra.

I quickly walk into the kitchen and grab the fruits that appeal to me the most. Some grapes and a banana.
I look in the refrigerator and grab the tray with Shinya’s name on it as I hurriedly walk to his room.

***

“Good morning, Shinya-san! I hope you had a nice sleep. It’s time to get up!”

I hear his voice from a distant, still half asleep. I groan as bright light suddenly shines in my eyes.

“I have your breakfast here with and extra surprise!” He says cheerfully as I start to blink. He is smiling that addictive smile of his. That smile that comes to me in my dream, but I try to keep my face blank as I begin my struggle to sit up. He doesn’t help me with this, probably afraid to touch a cripple.

When I finally manage to sit up, he stands there next to my bed, ready to set the tray with food on my lap. I smile politely as he holds up the extra fruit he’s taken with him.

He says he’s going to wash the grapes and that I should start eating the rest.

I do so. I’m feeling fairly hungry anyway. I see his back disappearing to the washing basin in the small bathroom attached to my room.

I eat slowly, not really used to eating alone. I’ll just wait for him to come back.

When a few minutes later he does, he’s still smiling that charming smile. He puts the bowl of grapes on my nightstand and he sits down next to my bed, on the chair.

He spots the red notebook he gave me yesterday and he picks it up from my nightstand. It was laying there open and my eyes go wide. I’ve been writing all night writing down every thought. I certainly don’t want him to read it.

He sees my shocked expression and smiles. “Oh! Don’t worry!” He says as he closes it and puts it in the drawer of the nightstand. “I would never, ever read it. Unless I get specific orders from you to read it, that is.” He grinned. “I was merely afraid it might get wet or dirty from breakfast.”

He closes the drawer and puts the bowl of washed grapes on the tray. “Here you go.”

I smile at him. “Eat with me.” I say as I look at his now startled face. “There is clearly more than enough and I’m thinking you would like some too.” I say to him, softly smiling.

He thinks for a second and then nods. He smiles again and takes a grape out of the bowl and pops it in his mouth. “Thank you,” He says as he offers me one. I take it and put it in my mouth. How I love fruit.

We eat in silence. He takes a grape every now and then, making sure there’s plenty enough for me. It’s cute.

Suddenly he looks at me. I frown. “What is it?

He hesitates not sure what to say. “Uhm…well…I was thinking…” He begins. “Since you like fruit that much, shall I prepare you a special fruit lunch?” He looks up at me hopefully.

I shrug. “Yeah, that would be nice, why not?” What is the big deal? Why is he so hesitant about it?

He smiled now. “Well, it’s because there’s one condition to it…”

I frown again. Sometimes I don’t get that guy. “And what may that be?” I ask while I peel off my banana and take a small bite.

“That I make it a large picnic and that we eat it outside, in the gardens. I know a pretty place underneath a large oak-tree next to a small lake. It’s filled with pink and white lilies, really a magnificent sight.” He pauses “Nobody ever comes there.” He also quickly adds.

I bite my lip and look away. “No, I’m sorry,” I hear myself say. Part of me is craving to go outside, feel the breeze and smell the fresh air. But I know I can’t. I’m deformed, hideous. Nobody would want to see me.

He looks very disappointed. “Why not?” Is the inevitable question.

I still don’t want to look at him. “I just can’t,” I say, afraid to state the real reason behind this all. He sighs deeply.

“Ok. We won’t go, cause I can’t force you to go outside, but I’m getting really curious about the reason why you won’t go.” He looks straight at me and I can’t avoid his gaze.

“I don’t judge people by their looks and neither on their opinions. It’s not like I’d want to discard you reason and try to get you to go with me,” He says all serious. “I’m just really curious.”

I know he’s speaking the truth. Maybe I should tell him. I nod and think for a while.
What should I say?

***

I stare expectantly at him. I hope I wasn’t being too bold. And although I think I know why he doesn’t want to go outside, I wait for him to say it. I give him my most earnest look, silently urging him to go on.

“How can I face people like this when I don’t even want to face it myself?” He points at his leg. The sentence almost came out like a desperate sigh. It makes perfect sense. Emotion is so thick in the air, I can almost feel what he’s going through. I see him swallow as he looks ready to start crying any second. I nod. He’s not ready yet. I have to accept it.

“I understand. I think I’d feel the same in your situation.” I honestly say it. It’s the truth, even if it wouldn’t really fuel him off of his bed. I’m just a nurse, not a miracle-worker, and he really needs his time with this. Slowly I start packing up the leftovers from breakfast, putting the half-empty bowl of grapes on his nightstand. He’ll like them as a snack.

“I’ll clean this up. Just press the nurses’ button if you need company in between. If not, I’ll see you at lunch. And about the lunch with extra fruit... I’ll make it for you. It was kind of an unfair condition anyway, ne?” I smile as I take the tray.

“Ok,” He says. “One question though.”

I look at him curiously. “What is it?”

“If you’d feel the same way in my situation, then why do you keep on pressing the matter of me going outside?” His head is slightly tilted, and I smile as I walk out of the room.

“That’s easy…It’s my job.” I grin as I look around and give him a small wink before I leave the room.

-TBC-

AN: Okies, I'm still busy writing the third chapter but I think it might be up in a week or something o.o I feel inspiration flowing XD Leave me a review! I feed on those!!
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Better Days