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How Could The End Be Happy?	By : Lunaris Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > Malice Mizer Views: 1879 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Malice Mizer. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Name: How Could The End Be Happy - It's Easier To Run

Part: 2/3

Genre: Angst, RPS, Fluff, Deathfic

Rating: PG-13/R

Paring: Közi/Yu~ki (Yu~ki/Kami, Mana/Klaha)

Beta: Wonderwolf & DieZilla

A/N: Sooo desu ne... Here it is, the second part of my Malice Mizer -fanfic. Anou... It was great fun to make Yu~ki to be that kind of person which he is in this. Great fun, I tell you.

Nyaa~, DieZilla is a perfect beta. As you can read, the former chapter was not even nerly as well writened as this one. That's because of DieZilla.

An need to say, this chapter is owned to my dear friend unelma who mainpulated me a picture about Közi and Yu~ki... in a hot bath... together... without clothes. *____*

Warnings: YAOI!!! And of course, this story includes a part called "deathfic". So, there's Kami. Who died. Seven years ago. Poor, poor Kami.

Comments: Please, please. I beg you guys. =____=

~~~~~~~~

It was not so early morning, when Klaha and Mana arrived in the band house. It was unusual silent. Normally when Klaha opened the door for Mana, they first saw how Yu~ki had done some breakfast and how he was smiling like every day would be the last one.

Gosh, Yu~ki seemed always so happy.

But today there was no sound of anyone making breakfast, or not even lunch. After all, it was already past noon.

“Yu~ki? Yu~ki, are you still asleep?” Klaha tried to call for Yu~ki but no one answered to him. Even Mana was a bit confused.

“Maybe he’s out for a walk?” Klaha looked towards Mana who shook his head. They had no time to do anything else when somebody opened the bedroom’s door. Klaha was hoping it’d be Yu~ki but it wasn’t.

“Közi? What the hell are you doing here?” Mana asked with wondering eyes. Közi, who was yawning and stretching his back, looked at Mana.

“Well, I was sleeping ‘til you guys came in.” He answered. After the first fright Mana reviewed Közi more precisely. Maybe you wonder why? The reason was that Közi had no shirt on.

Pieces of the puzzle searched their right places in Mana’s mind but there were still missing parts for Mana to find.

He took his cell phone and searched Yu~ki’s number from it. He calmly pressed a picture of green phone and right away it was dialling to Yu~ki.

“Moshi, moshi?” Yu~ki answered and Mana was relieved. Nothing seemed to be wrong.

“Yu~ki, Mana here. Where are you?”

“Gomen ne, Mana. I can’t talk now.”

“But… Yu~ki… Don’t you dare to hang up!”

But it was too late. Yu~ki had already done so.

Mana placed the cell phone back to his pocket. He had collected enough missing pieces of this weird puzzle of Yu~ki’s mind. He could already see what it looked like. And it was no pleasant puzzle.

First, Yu~ki was not in the band house, where he usually slept.
Second, in Yu~ki’s place there was Közi. It was already scary enough.

Third thing was that Közi had no shirt on.

At this point Mana was so horrified about the solution of the puzzle that he was unsure if it had been wise to call Yu~ki.

And Mana really regretted he had called: just because of the reaction of the other.

He felt things were terribly wrong and the times ahead might not be as pleasant as before.

***

Yu~ki killed the phone line even though Mana tried to stop him. They wanted him back at the band house but Yu~ki couldn’t return now.

Besides, he was at Kami’s grave. That was not the right place to talk to anyone with a cell phone. He kneeled down and placed a small flower on the grave.

“I should’ve bought you more flowers when you were alive.” Yu~ki whispered and stroked silently Kami’s gravestone like he could touch Kami through it.
In this place he was able to feel Kami was still somewhere there. It felt like Yu~ki had some kind of spiritual connection to Kami when he was on the drummer’s grave. He could feel his presence.

Long time Yu~ki just sat there. He talked to Kami, even though he knew he couldn’t hear the answer. He still believed Kami was listening his problems silently, taking care of him.

“I don’t want to hear it was just one night.” Yu~ki mumbled. He didn’t really know why. Why he couldn’t return back and just take that it was nothing more than only one night.

After a while Yu~ki stood up.

“I will come back someday”, he said towards the gravestone. First it had felt stupid to talk to a cold stone but soon Yu~ki had realized that Kami would wait for him here, ready to listen him any time Yu~ki needed to come and talk.

So Yu~ki left the graveyard, feeling less worried. It was always a relief to just go and talk to Kami.

“Oh fuck!” Yu~ki remembered that he had gone to the grocery store earlier to buy food for the next day but had forgotten the groceries somewhere on the way to Kami’s grave. He tried to remember which way he had come.

The bassist walked back to the park where he last remembered seeing that plastic bag and there it was, sitting lonely on a bench, just there where he had left it. It was pure luck that no one had paid attention to it.

Yu~ki decided to sit down, just for a moment and think again. You see, Yu~ki had a habit of thinking things over many times. He closed his eyes and felt a spring wind on his face.

‘Do you think it was a fair thing to do to Közi?’

“What was?”

‘That you ran away like that?’

‘After sex you can always run. It doesn’t matter anymore.’

“What?!” Yu~ki got really frightened. He looked around but there was no one else in the park. At least not anyone close enough to talk to him. Weird.

When the bassist didn’t hear anymore voices, he relaxed for a little. Again he closed his eyes but when he opened them again he realized he had just awoken to a nightmare.

There was tiny little …thing straight in front of his eyes. It looked like pink butterfly. But it certainly wasn’t a butterfly! It had face. And it looked very demanding.

‘Don’t listen to him. You should go back and apologise Közi’ that tiny little butterfly-thing said, and crossed its small hands on its chest.

“K-Kami?” Yu~ki stammered quietly. “And who is ‘he’?” He was going mad. These kinds of things just didn’t happen.

‘Well, he.’ Kami said and pointed at another ‘bug’. It was a bee; a bee with yellow and black stripes and very thin waistline. And that bee looked like…

“I don’t dress in yellow and black stripes!” Yu~ki yelled when he realized that the bee looked just like him. Or at least its face looked just like his. “They’re so out of fashion!”

Yu~ki was really confused. Just while ago he had sat on Kami’s grave and now tiny little butterfly-Kami, and a bee-Yu~ki were talking to him. This was too weird.

***

Days passed by, and no one from Malice Mizer had heard anything about Yu~ki. Yes, they called to him and every time he answered, he said that he couldn’t talk at that moment.

The only one who really had even a clue what was going on was Mana, but he wasn’t sure about the whole picture, like a puzzle without few pieces.

It was a week from that morning and they had called Yu~ki everyday, asking where he was. They never got a straight answer, just that Yu~ki couldn’t come.
“What’s wrong with him? We only have few weeks to go before the tour” Klaha whined and walked around in circles. “And he’s getting difficult!” the vocalist was so nervous that Mana placed a hand on his shoulder. Klaha looked at Mana and relaxed a bit.

Looking at Közi, Mana noticed that the man didn’t see anything wrong in Yu~ki’s behaviour like the rest of them did.

“Klaha, dear, maybe you should call Yu~ki?” Mana proposed and gave his own cell phone to Klaha.

“We’ve called him every day! He won’t come.” Still it didn’t stop Klaha from taking the phone from Mana and choosing Yu~ki’s number.

“Are you sure this will help?”

“Try.”

Klaha had almost pressed the call-button when they heard Yu~ki entering the outdoor. Klaha’s expression was worth writing about. He looked at Yu~ki like he was the world’s most infrequent animal.

“Um, konnichiwa, minna…” Yu~ki greeted and placed down his bass, which he had taken with him. He looked so normal that it had to be faked. Yu~ki was not okay, no matter what he said.

“Can I ask where have you been?” Mana asked politely, following Yu~ki with his eyes when the bassist took his instrument from its case. Yu~ki smiled briefly; it was that kind of forced smile.

“I was a little busy a while… but don’t worry, I’ve practised my parts.”
Klaha looked at Yu~ki. It was unusual for the bassist not to tell him what was going on. Klaha wasn’t so simple minded that he couldn’t have been able to see that Yu~ki wasn’t acting normal. Especially, when he noticed that Yu~ki was looking nervously around himself all the time.

Anyway, Yu~ki smiled so there was no reason to worry too much.

From the hallway Yu~ki moved in the living room where Közi and Mana were already sitting. Klaha looked at him when he sat next to Mana without saying a word.

He saw the way Közi looked at Yu~ki. It was kind of weird smile. It was the same look people have on their faces when they see how little puppy tries to catch it’s own tail.

That “AAWWWWW!” –look.

Aww? When had Közi started to look at people like that and especially Yu~ki? Klaha felt a little confused. There was something strange in this.
Because Yu~ki had finally arrived at the place, they tried to practise a little. They played few songs and changed couple of notes in them. Everything went well. Or well enough. Better than without Yu~ki.

Still Klaha was worried about Yu~ki’s behaviour. The other made sure he was never looking straight at anyone. He played his bass calmly and it seemed true that Yu~ki had practised the songs. No one else seemed to notice Yu~ki’s strange way of acting.

They had a small break in the middle of practises. During it Yu~ki moved in to the kitchen to get something to drink. A little later Közi followed him and Klaha decided to watch over the two; to see that Közi wouldn’t do anything …weird to his friend.
Klaha had a bad feeling that Yu~ki’s odd behaviour was due to Közi.

Yu~ki had just taken a glass from the cupboard when Közi came in.

“Yu~ki, I…”

There was a sound of glass breaking and it interrupted Közi. Yu~ki had dropped the glass, breathing heavily.

“Gomen, gomen… You scared me.” Yu~ki kneeled down and started to collect the pieces of broken glass. Klaha watched confused how Yu~ki kept his eyes on the floor never looking at Közi who looked at Yu~ki with wondering eyes.
As soon as the bassist had collected all the broken pieces and thrown them in the garbage, he stood up without even giving a glance at Közi.

“I think the break is over”, he said and walked back to the living room. The thing that made Klaha wonder was that Yu~ki had gone to the kitchen to drink but he hadn’t done that. When Yu~ki had broken the glass he seemed to have forgotten about drinking.

‘Could there be something between Yu~ki and Közi?’ Klaha thought in his mind but it sounded so ridiculous that he forgot about it almost at the same minute.

They practised more for couple of hours but when the light outside started fading it was time to quit. Everyone was tired and wanted go home.

Again Klaha saw how Közi tried to talk to Yu~ki. Every time Közi came too close, Yu~ki was moving the same distance away from him. That truly was odd behaviour from Yu~ki.
The cat and mouse –game was over soon when Közi caught up with Yu~ki.
“Yu~ki, I really need to…” Közi started but even this time he couldn’t finish his line.

“It’s late, Közi. I really need to go. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Yu~ki picked his bass up from the floor and placed it to its case. Soon Yu~ki and Yu~ki’s bass were gone leaving the rest of the band to watch after him.

“He’s acting weirder than a week ago”, Közi whispered and collected his own belongings to one place. Usually the whole band left their instruments at the band room but Yu~ki had taken his own with him.

Finally, Klaha understood something about this strange game between Közi and Yu~ki. The bassist didn’t want to be in any contact with the guitarist and Klaha wondered if Yu~ki even was a little bit scared of Közi.
But Klaha had no idea why would that be.

‘Maybe Közi took Yu~ki’s virginity and now Yu~ki’s confused about that’, he thought in a moment sudden clarity, but chuckled then. Silly idea.

***

Next day, even though he had promised to Közi that they would talk Yu~ki didn’t show up to the band room. He just sat on his own bed and looked at the wall.
‘I can’t go… Közi is there… I can’t go!’ he thought and dropped his head down burying it into his hands. Butterfly-Kami patted his head and talked to him.

‘You can’t run forever, Yu~ki. You should go now and talk with him. Maybe he won’t say it was just one night thing.’
Kami was right. There was that tiny little possibility that Közi wouldn’t say it. But what if he did? Yu~ki couldn’t even think that. It felt painful to think… anything about Közi. He would get a serious headache.
Yu~ki was able to remember that night. The night Közi didn’t treat him as a band mate anymore but as a lover. He had to admit that it had felt good when the younger man touched him as another man.

Even though he had given in for that thought he still ran away from Közi. Just because of the fear: the fear that the younger man would say it was nothing more than just sex.

Why Yu~ki was afraid of it so much? What more would he want? The bassist felt more and more confused when he thought about what he wanted from Közi. And why did it feel so painful to think about him.

‘You know, that useless bug is right even for once’ Bee-Yu~ki came again in front of Yu~ki’s eyes and pointed at Kami. ‘You can’t run forever… if you want more sex, I mean.’ Bee-Yu~ki wasn’t dressed in black and yellow stripes anymore.

Certainly, it was dressed on PVC.

“That costume is familiar to me, somehow…” Yu~ki leaned his head to the left side and tried to remember where he had seen the costume before.

‘It’s from Illuminati’, Bee-Yu~ki said.

“Oh, you changed those creepy stripes to a little more stylish dress?”

‘Yes.’

‘Enough talk about the costumes. How dare you claim I’m useless?’ Butterfly-Kami had gone mad. It looked like it would anytime just give a hard punch to Bee-Yu~ki. ‘I’m more useful than you, damn sex-thirsty pervert!’

“Guys, don’t fight…”

‘Oh, I’m sex-thirsty pervert? You know what you are? You are dead!’ Sooner than Yu~ki realized, there was real fight going on between Bee-Yu~ki and Butterfly-Kami.

‘You are going to kill me? Are you? Well, bring it on!’

“I think… you know… Kami, I think he means that you really are dead. You died long time ago…”

‘Oh… I kind of forgot it…’

Yu~ki sighed. This was the weirdest thing what had ever happened to him. Two flying things were fighting with each other. Other looked like Kami and the other looked like him, Yu~ki, only few years younger.

“Can I ask… who the hell are you?”
The bassist had thought about it for a while but he had been too shy to ask before. Now, when they were fighting each other it was easier.

The “bugs” stopped their fighting and both looked towards Yu~ki. They were smiling. Smiling like Yu~ki was about to die; that kind of a pitiful smile.

‘You can’t see it?’ Butterfly-Kami asked politely and gave a significant glance at Bee-Yu~ki, who was giggling.

‘Well, I’m Kami, as you can see. And that… that disgusting flying sex-addict is… umm… It’s you.’ Kami introduced them and pointed at Bee-Yu~ki.
“Me?”

‘He’s your second personality. The pervert one.’

Yu~ki needed to stop himself from hitting his head to the wall. This was great. Just great.
“Amazing. I’m talking with some fucking flying Kami and my second, pervert personality. I must be crazy…” Certainly he was. “So, you forced me to go and have sex with Közi?” He looked to Bee-Yu~ki, who smiled innocently.

‘I didn’t force you to do it. I just gave you the suggestion.’

***

Klaha was worried about Yu~ki. Some days he came in the band house and was like nothing had happened. And the other days Yu~ki locked himself in his own house and didn’t even answer the phone. It was weird even from Yu~ki.

This was one of those days when Yu~ki showed up with his bass. It seemed like Yu~ki had disappeared for few days without even knowing it.

Klaha could see the way Mana looked at Yu~ki. It told Klaha that bandleader was already losing his self-control. Mana had tried hard to keep himself from shouting at the bassist that he had to be more in or they would search a new bass player.

Of course Mana wouldn’t do it but they needed to use radical ways to get Yu~ki back on this planet. And if meant that they had to separate Yu~ki from the band, just provisionally, they would do it.

Still, Klaha was more concerned about Yu~ki than the up-coming tour. Other man acted weirder day after day. Now he had even started talking to himself. And Közi didn’t make it any better. Every time Yu~ki appeared in the band house, Közi tried to talk to him. And every time Yu~ki slipped away from it.

Klaha wondered how long would it take from Közi to realize that Yu~ki’s problems were because of him. The vocalist was sure about it already, but still he didn’t know why. Yu~ki just kept avoiding Közi’s closeness.

Yu~ki slept no more in the band house like he had done before. He lived outside the city and moving between this distance everyday would have driven him crazy.

The sudden change of the bassist’s sleeping habits made Klaha sure that there had to be more in Yu~ki’s mind than he gave out.

When the practise was over, he decided to confront Yu~ki.

“Yu~ki, could you stay for a moment?” he asked and sat down on the couch front of Yu~ki.

Mana and Közi collected their instruments in their places, and Mana gave questioning look towards Klaha who with strange hand marks asked him to take Közi and leave.

Even though Klaha’s hand marks were the weirdest ones Mana got them and asked if Közi would come with him for a drink. Közi was that kind of ‘Sex, drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll’ –type of a guy, so he agreed, and they disappeared out of the door.

“I’m little busy at the moment”, Yu~ki said and gathered all important things in the bass case. He didn’t look at Klaha even for a moment when he was talking.

“We need to talk”, Klaha informed Yu~ki with a serious tone of voice. Too bad Yu~ki didn’t take it so seriously.

“About what? You now, I need to go…” Klaha was able to hear it: Yu~ki’s voice wavered the slightest. Klaha felt sad for his friend because the other was obviously nervous about the situation.

“I’m not forcing you to talk or anything”, Klaha sighed and looked at Yu~ki with a hint of sadness in his eyes. “But I want you to know we’re still friends, and you can tell me if anything makes you feel sad or distressed.”
Klaha stood up and tapped gently Yu~ki’s back. Yu~ki smiled a little but that weird look on his face didn’t disappear.

“Domo, but I think I’m fine”, he answered and closed the bass case, picking it up from the floor. “Anyway, thanks. I appreciate that you want to help.”

After Yu~ki left Klaha stayed in the band room. He felt depressed because even if they were friends with Yu~ki, the older man wasn’t able to tell him what was wrong. Now there was nothing else to do but to wait. For Yu~ki’s sake, Klaha hoped everything would become clear as soon as possible. Yu~ki had already suffered enough over this whole situation.

***

Közi had noticed something was wrong with Yu~ki. It seemed like Yu~ki was never there when Közi wanted to talk with him. There were few funny coincidences during that time; either Yu~ki disappeared mystically when Közi tried to approach him, or then the guitarist just forgot that he needed to have few words with the other.

It felt weird because it had continued over two weeks. Like Yu~ki was avoiding him.
“But seriously, that’s not possible. Why would he do that?” Közi was thinking aloud.

The guitarist was sitting in a bar just like every day after practising. He was not trying to get himself drunk; he just hung around killing time. Besides, the bar was a perfect place for thinking because if you just sat on your seat quietly nobody came and asked about what you were doing.
So, just like every day, in front of Közi’s face there was one simple drink, already half empty. As soon as he’d be done with it, he would leave and walk to his own apartment for the night.

But it wasn’t a time for that yet. Közi still sat on his chair in front of the small table, looking through his drink and wondering about Yu~ki’s odd behaviour.

Maybe Yu~ki was a victim of rape. If he was, Közi would kill that bastard who dared to touch Yu~ki like that.

But no, that wasn’t it. Yu~ki didn’t have the marks of a raped one. There had to be another solution for this and Közi was sure he was very close to solving it.

If Yu~ki would just tell him what was wrong...

Közi thought maybe he should call Yu~ki when he’d get back to home. In Közi’s mind, there was no room for the thought of Yu~ki’s odd behaviour being because of him and that night.

Like Yu~ki, Közi could remember that night too. He thought about how pleasurable the night had been. He remembered Yu~ki’s beautiful body, the other man’s moaning and of course his own pleasure.

Közi smiled. Maybe Yu~ki was just shy after that kind of experience. After all, it was his first time with another man.

Közi chuckled to himself and sipped a bit more from his drink. Few customers looked towards him. It had to look funny when a young man is laughing for nothing and then took a sip of his drink. It certainly seemed like he was drunk.

Memories about the night with Yu~ki made Közi feel funny tickling in the bottom of his stomach but that good feeling went away when he thought about how weird Yu~ki had been acting. It certainly felt like Yu~ki was be avoiding him.

“That’s not true. Why would he do such a thing?” the guitarist paused, realizing he was repeating himself. He wondered it a bit. Why wasn’t it possible? He had no answer to that but… he hoped Yu~ki wasn’t avoiding him.

Közi looked through his drink and in a way he felt worried. Worried about Yu~ki and worried about himself if Klaha was thinking that Yu~ki’s odd behaviour was his fault. He needed to find out what was going on. Now.

Közi picked up his cell phone from his pocket, but he hesitated. What if Yu~ki was angry and didn’t want to speak with him? So, calling would make Yu~ki even angrier and then Közi would never be able to talk with him again. But then again, what point would there be, if Közi just let everything go on as it was and Yu~ki continued his own inner game.

Plus, Közi noticed that he was too curious to just let it be.

Dialling fast he prevented himself from hesitating anymore. In just few seconds he was already calling Yu~ki. The phone was making that sound which tells that it is calling.

“Moshi moshi?” Yu~ki said as the line was opened and Közi was relieved; Yu~ki seemed to be okay.

“Konnichiwa, Yu~ki-chan!” Közi greeted joyfully and smiled inwardly. It was good enough that Yu~ki had answered to his call.

“(Something obscure mumbling) Oh, hi, Közi.”

Közi thought that it would be impolite to ask immediately about Yu~ki’s behaviour. So he started in polite way: “I just thought that we haven’t talked much lately to each other. So, how are you?”

“Fine, absolutely fine. How about you?”v
There must have been something disturbing the line, because for a while Közi thought he heard tenseness in the other man’s voice.

“Better than ever. How is it, are you doing something important right at the moment?”

“Well, not really. Just cooking something for dinner. What is it?”

“I just thought that we could talk a little bit.”

“About what?”

Again, something disturbed the line, because Közi could hear something like panic in Yu~ki’s voice. But it couldn’t be that. Why would Yu~ki panic like that without any reason? But then again, Közi heard those so familiar sounds of cooking like boiling water. He really was just imagining things.

“You’ve acted strange lately…”

Yu~ki screaming interrupted Közi and he heard how pot fell on the floor.

“Gomen, Közi, gomen. I got some hot water on me and that really hurts. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Right. Okay.”

And the conversation was over.

Közi thought there was something really weird in this and he didn’t like that feeling. And he could sense that Yu~ki was not being honest with him. Dishonest people were those who Közi hated the most but he didn’t want to hate Yu~ki, that cute little Yu~ki. So he just forced himself to think that older man was just going through the hard times of his life.

However, whether Yu~ki was living hard times or not, Közi wouldn’t leave it like this. He wanted a straight answer if he asked something and Yu~ki had just fled away from answering at all and Közi started to doubt if it really was just a “funny coincidence”.

Közi emptied his drink and stood up to leave. He was going to ask Yu~ki about this face-to-face when Yu~ki would come and practise again. No matter if it would take days, weeks or months.

***

Yu~ki picked up the pot and placed it down on the kitchen sink. Cell phone was already out of his hands and he wished it would be out of his mind too. But every conversation with Közi was engraved in his mind and stayed there for a long time. The bassist didn’t know why.

‘Why you’re so jumpy?’ Yu~ki was able to see the pink butterfly flying on the ceiling and landing on his shoulder.

As if things weren’t already bad enough he could sense another bug on the other shoulder. It was a bee. Well, correctly said it wasn’t a bee. It was flying miniature of Yu~ki in Illuminati –costume.

‘It was Közi, right?’ the other Yu~ki teased and buzzed in an egoistic way. Kami looked at the other Yu~ki murderously. Not that Kami couldn’t see from Yu~ki’s tense look that it really had been Közi.

‘Why did you lie to him? You just dropped the pot and you got nothing, not even cold water, on you.’

“I… I was scared. And I don’t want to have conversations with him right now; especially not about my doings.” Of course Yu~ki was ashamed because of his behaviour and about lying to Közi, but the shame didn’t really help him in this situation. He couldn’t make already done to undone.
The other Yu~ki giggled inauspiciously. It sounded like… well, it sounded like bee’s laughing.
‘Why do you care about it? He means nothing. Right?’ When the other Yu~ki said it, not only Kami was looking towards him murderously but Yu~ki too.

“Of course he does!” Yu~ki yelled but at the same time he realized what he had just let out and he regretted it.

‘Does he?’ Both of the bugs looked to Yu~ki with surprised and horrified eyes. Kami was the one of them who recovered from it first. He nervously smiled to Yu~ki who seemed really depressed about what he had just said.

‘We should talk about this’, Kami suggested carefully but he saw that Yu~ki was too tired about this whole thing to even listen to it.

Without saying anything, Yu~ki walked to the living room and sat on the couch, sighing quietly. All his enthusiasm for life was gone after realizing that he really cared about Közi’s opinion.

And it had to be Közi! Why of all the people in the world it had to be Közi who made him feel like this?

While Yu~ki was dwelling in his own misery, Butterfly-Kami and the other Yu~ki who had followed him were talking to each other and looking at Yu~ki worrying.

‘What is he thinking?’ Kami whispered.

‘How the hell should I know?’ the other Yu~ki answered feeling irritated.

‘Well, you’re him.’

‘What… Oh, right. Sure I know what he’s thinking.’

‘Tell me already!’

‘I’ve sworn to secrecy. So why don’t you go and find out by yourself.’ Then the other Yu~ki pushed Kami away from him, in front of Yu~ki’s face.
Yu~ki felt so depressed that he didn’t even bother to raise his head to look at Kami.

‘Um, Yu~ki, can I ask you a personal question?’ Kami started carefully and fiddled with his long hair in a way that told he was nervous.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

‘I really want to understand you, so I’m asking; only asking you to tell me how do you really feel for Közi?’

That was the worst question anyone could have asked from the bassist. Yu~ki felt how he completely broke inside and he tried to stop himself from crying. But it still made him think about it. How did he feel for Közi?

It was like a flashback. Yu~ki could see that night with Közi in his mind, now even clearer than before. He saw it and he felt it. He felt how Közi was holding him gently. Even though Közi had smiled mischievously almost all the time, he had never really hurt Yu~ki. And Közi was the only person, who had touched Yu~ki in a way that made clear Yu~ki was on the same level with him.

“Közi… he’s… he’s… weird. He’s… creepy and… scary…” the bassist tried. He tried hard to find something neutral to say about Közi and keep inside what he really thought about the younger man. However, to the kind of person which Yu~ki was it was impossible.

“All right! I give up. He’s the sexiest person I have ever met and he makes me feel really good. He can look at me in a caring way; tell me with his eyes that he would never hurt me. Damn! After Kami’s death he’s been the only one who can make me feel happy again!”

After saying it all aloud he realized what he was thinking. What he really thought about Közi. And he saw Kami and his own second personality also realized it.

The other Yu~ki was giggling in the corner, trying to stay in the air with his wings.

And Kami. Man, that look on Kami’s face was memorable. He stared at Yu~ki like his worst nightmares had just come true. And he fell, fell down on the mat.

But Yu~ki didn’t care about Kami who certainly had blacked out because of the shock. It was more shock to Yu~ki who for the first time finally understood. It was so horrifying that Yu~ki would have been happy to black out too. Still, he couldn’t do it.

It was something Yu~ki didn’t want to say aloud; he didn’t even want to think about it. He could run away from talking to Közi but running away from his own feelings was much harder than that. Yu~ki couldn’t run anymore; he was cornered and there was no escape from it.

So he said it; said the most painful thing possible for him.

“I think I love Közi.”

***

Next day Közi saw how Yu~ki came in to the band house. The other man looked tired and tortured. Dark shadows under his eyes made him look like he hadn’t slept at all in the previous night. Közi almost felt pity for Yu~ki and honestly he was sorry for the other.
If he hadn’t known Yu~ki better, he would have thought that Yu~ki had cried…

Something there wasn’t right and it wasn’t about the face of Yu~ki’s. For a long time Közi searched for that disturbing thing in Yu~ki that he still couldn’t point out. Soon he gave up and thought it would show up if it was meant to be like that.

In few weeks there was a tour coming so they didn’t practise much anymore. They went through the choreographies and talked about the spirit of the playing to the huge audience. Like they had never played on a big stage.
Same old conversation every time we go on the tour, Közi thought though soon his thoughts moved to Yu~ki. Közi watched the older man and saw how he was almost asleep. That made him look even cuter than before in Közi’s mind.

Even though Yu~ki looked cute, Közi had not forgotten about his former weird behaviour. He didn’t want to get angry to Yu~ki. He just wanted to talk with the other man, to make few things clear to him.

Mana didn’t keep them in the band house for long because there was nothing to talk anymore. In a week they should be already moving their things to the first concert place of their tour. They still would meet in the band house to make sure they were all alive.

When Yu~ki was leaving Közi found out what was that disturbing thing in Yu~ki: There was no signs in the older man to tell that he had got hot water on him. No burns in his hands or face or anywhere. Not even bandages.

Yu~ki had lied; Yu~ki had lied to him, to Közi. That made Közi feel pissed off. He really needed to talk to Yu~ki. Now. Not tomorrow, not day after tomorrow. Now.

“How are you, Yu~ki? After having boiling water on you, you look like you’re recovering incredibly fast.” Közi walked closer to Yu~ki who got a bit scared, haunted look forming on his face. Közi could see and feel the fear in the other. He really didn’t want to scare Yu~ki but if it needed to be done to know what was going on, he would do it.

“We should talk, Yu~ki. And I mean it.”

“That’s a shame. Really. My granny… no, no, my cousin got triplets. And I really gotta run right about, now.” Quickly Yu~ki picked up his stuff and almost ran out of the band house.

He was gone so fast that Közi had no time to stop him or even shout after him.

But in a way the guitarist was grateful for this because now he knew what was going on. He didn’t like the thought because he wanted to believe Yu~ki was just having little inner problems, but now it had gone too far. Way too far. Now there was Közi in it and it was personal for him.

Közi didn’t care about Yu~ki’s feelings anymore. He just wanted an explanation; he wanted an honest answer even if it would cost him a fortune. Közi hated dishonest people but he couldn’t hate Yu~ki. It still didn’t mean that he liked Yu~ki very much at that moment. He felt betrayed and that was a feeling he couldn’t stand for long.

“It’s over now, Yu~ki. Your little game is over.”

***

It was late, almost midnight, when Yu~ki and Kami decided to leave from the bar. They both felt a little tipsy after couple of drinks but they were not drunk.

Kami was escorting Yu~ki home because it was in a way from the bar to Kami’s place. Both of the men laughed easily and the atmosphere was really easy going.

Yu~ki had wrapped an arm around Kami’s shoulders and the drummer had placed his hand around Yu~ki’s waist. Maybe it was because of those few drinks but the older man felt comfortable when Kami was there next to him.

Of course he loved Kami. There was no doubt about it. Everyone in the band knew Yu~ki loved Kami more than the other band members. And there were few really disturbing rumours about that the bassist and the drummer would be lovers.

That was not true. Even though Yu~ki loved the younger man from the bottom of his heart, he never wanted to have that kind of relationship with him. And Kami felt the same way.

They had talked openly about their feelings about each other and it was clear to Yu~ki that Kami also loved him without any interests to be with him like that. It was all mental love without any physical feelings.

There were only few hundred meters between them and Yu~ki’s house. Yu~ki felt kind of sad because he had enjoyed the walk with Kami. Talking to the other man was more relieving than anything else. Kami was the best friend that Yu~ki would ever have. He was loyal and faithful person who never betrayed his friends. The older man was able to trust Kami anytime.

On the stairs leading to Yu~ki’s door, Kami hugged him, and Yu~ki felt how he missed Kami already, even though the drummer was still there holding him. It felt different this time. Yu~ki didn’t want to let his dearest friend go yet so he squeezed Kami tightly against him.

“Yu~ki, please”, Kami laughed gently and stroked Yu~ki’s back. “If you squeeze any tighter I’ll die.”

Yu~ki felt embarrassed about the whirlwind of emotions he was going through.
“Gomen ne”, he mumbled but didn’t really believe in those words. He didn’t want to apologise for the feeling that he didn’t want to let Kami go. It was too late to ask Kami to come in for a glass of juice or something like that.

He felt sad about realizing he should let Kami go to sleep.

“Now, now, Yu~ki, why do you look so sad?” Kami asked kindly and ruffled Yu~ki’s hair. He was a little bit taller than Yu~ki was, so it was easy for him to do it. The bassist knew that he should feel annoyed about the ruffling but he just felt the feeling of missing somebody.

“I don’t know. It was nice to talk with you as it always is and I would like to talk more.” That was the most stupid answer of all stupid answers. Yu~ki didn’t really want to talk with Kami. It was unimportant now. He just wanted to be with the other man. It wasn’t important if they would just sit around and look at the walls or talk to each other. At least the younger man would be there.
“Aww, you. We’ll see tomorrow again, don’t we? Don’t cry for that.” Kami sounded so unconcerned about anything in the world, but Yu~ki had realized his own weak point: He was scared. He was scared about losing his best friend, losing his dear Kami. And without any visible reason those feelings grew stronger than ever before in Yu~ki’s mind.

“Of course, of course. Well, you should go before I catch you and take you with me inside.” Yu~ki tried to laugh but his voice broke a little. Still it seemed that Kami hadn’t noticed it or he just didn’t give any signs of noticing.

“Yeah, I should run for that and fast. Good night and take care.” Kami hugged Yu~ki for a last time and then he walked away from the stairs.
Yu~ki stayed standing outside, waving to Kami who was walking further away from him. He felt how warm bittersweet tears gathered into his eyes. Kami looked so beautiful with his long, flicker hair. Yu~ki thought he should shout after Kami and beg him to come back.

There was no need for it. Yu~ki saw how Kami turned around and for a while looked like he was thinking something, then he jogged back to the older man.
Yu~ki was little surprised but he didn’t have a time even to ask anything until the other said: “I forgot to give you something.”

Yu~ki was just trying to ask what would it be when Kami slowly and gently pressed his lips against Yu~ki’s.
It was a deep kiss full of love between two adult men. It was only love. No lust no passion. Just simple, caring love. It was the kind of kiss Yu~ki felt like was meant to happen. He had waited for it so long time because he knew it would be come eventually.

The kiss was nothing the older man had felt before. It was warm and it meant so much, both him and Kami.

Suddenly feelings inside of Yu~ki were totally clear. Those bittersweet tears in his eyes poured down on his cheeks, leaving his face all wet and warm. He loved Kami. This man, beautiful, young Kami, was the true first love of Yu~ki’s. The love he felt about Kami was innocent and pure without having any selfish acts or thoughts.

Childishly innocent, strong love which would never disappear from Yu~ki’s heart. That was the feeling he felt towards the drummer. He would never let anything bad happen to this beautiful man…

"June 21, 1999. Kami, the drummer of Malice Mizer, passed away of a subarachnoid haemorrhage."

***

“I can’t go there!”

‘Well of course you can.’

“I can’t! He knows! He knows I lied to him! Közi hates lying people.”

‘You should have thought about it before you did it.’

“It’s too late now and I can’t do anything about it.”

‘That’s why you should go, apologise and tell him the truth.’

Yu~ki was in panic. Kami and his own second personality had forced him to go back. He knew that Közi would be there and when he would appear in the band house there would be no escape for him. He would have to explain himself to Közi.

The truth that Yu~ki loved Közi was still alive. That’s why it was even harder to go back and just take Közi’s words, whatever they would be. Yu~ki just didn’t want to hear how the younger man would laugh at him and say that Yu~ki was too old for him; that it was nothing but sex.

Even the thought about that made Yu~ki feel sick and depressed. He had never really wanted to lie to Közi. It was just that Yu~ki was that kind of person who would rather run from the hard situation than stand back and fight.
He wanted to turn around and run back home, never to come out again. He would hide from Közi to the end of the world. He would rather die than face the man he loved so much and hear how he had stupid dreams about a happy ending that could never happen. It would be better to die not knowing what Közi felt than live knowing that Közi felt nothing for him.

Thinking these thoughts Yu~ki realized that he had walked straight in front of the band apartment’s door.

“What the hell am I doing here?”

‘You are going inside and when you’re there you’re going to apologise.’ Kami sounded very serious, just like Mana when he really was serious. And that was scary enough to make Yu~ki open the door and step inside.

The first thing Yu~ki saw was Mana and Klaha sitting on the couches talking with each other without even noticing that Yu~ki came in. There was no sight about Közi anywhere and Yu~ki felt relieved.

…Until he heard a sound of door closing behind him. It was the kind of door that didn’t close on its own. Yu~ki knew who was behind him without even having to turn around, and when he did, scared look raised on his face as he saw the serious looking Közi in front of him.

“In the room. Now.” Közi demanded and pointed towards the band apartment’s bedroom door. Yu~ki was so terrified that he couldn’t do anything but obey the command and silently sneak into the room.

The room was pretty dark at the first sight but it became even darker when Közi came in and closed the door behind him. Even though Közi and Yu~ki were almost at the same height Közi looked much more taller when he was angry.

“Now, you’ll explain why you lied to me.”

“I… I don’t have any idea why…”

“Don’t lie to me again!” Közi shouted and Yu~ki feared that the other man would hit him. He deserved this. He knew he deserved all the shouting. But it made him feel so guilty.

“Please don’t shout to me…” Yu~ki whispered quietly. He felt himself resigned, worthless old fool. This was it; Yu~ki’s true nightmare. He felt how his heart got few fissures on it. Anytime, it would break completely.

‘This is your own fault.’

‘But it doesn’t mean I should take all that shouting. It’ll break me.’

‘Explain to him.’

‘That’s right. If you don’t explain, you won’t get hard and hot sex anymore, right?’

‘You are always just thinking about sex!’

‘What about you then, you dead moralist?’

‘Better dead than in the same mind with you!’

“Shut up!! Shut up both of you!!”

Közi had shouted all the time to Yu~ki but when Yu~ki screamed that former line Közi fell into silence. He just looked at Yu~ki, who broke down burying his head in his hands and beginning sob quietly.
“Yu~ki? I’m… I’m sorry.” Közi spread his arms and wrapped them around the older man, hugging the other tightly. He kept Yu~ki gently against himself, stroking older man’s hair. “I’m sorry, Yu~ki-dear. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.”

“Közi… it’s just… damn! I was acting weird because I thought you would think you don’t need me anymore! I’m so much older than you. I’m not even older, I’m a living fossil!” Yu~ki was sobbing desperately against Közi’s shoulder and his whole body shook about the waves of crying.
Közi smiled tenderly and laughed a bit. He wanted to comfort Yu~ki. This man was so cute and beautiful.

“My Yu~ki-dear. Of course I need you. The whole band needs you.”

Yu~ki’s sobbing stopped for a while and he raised his head to look at Közi. At the same time Közi hoped that he wouldn’t have made Yu~ki cry. It was a heartbreaking to see that beautiful face covered in tears.

“I didn’t mean I like that… Oh, forget it. I’ll leave.” Yu~ki pulled back from Közi’s hug and was already heading out.

“Yu~ki…”

With a depressed sigh Yu~ki turned around. He saw Közi, standing still and smiling gently. The younger man took few steps forward, as many as it was needed to move close in front of Yu~ki. Softly he took the older man closer and embraced him. With the same gentle smile on his face, caring and tender look in his eyes, Közi kissed Yu~ki.

It was not a long kiss but there was no need for a longer one. It was passionate and it carefully told Yu~ki that he could be Közi’s personal property, if he wanted to.

And there was no room for doubts in Yu~ki’s mind. He wanted to be Közi’s own even if there would be no love in Közi’s feelings for him. It was enough for Yu~ki that Közi would always be there for him. Be the one who took good care of him and always waited for him to come back home.

When the kiss was broken Közi stroked Yu~ki’s cheek, drying his tears away.

“Was that the kind of an answer you wanted?”

***

The tour was, and then it was over. It was not a secret anymore that Yu~ki had started to enjoy when he was near Közi. And Közi touched Yu~ki openly in a public places.

Everything was going perfectly and Yu~ki was really happy for first time after Kami’s death…

…But in one, sunny and beautiful day…

“Yu~ki, we need to break up.”

~~~~~~~

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