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I Hate How Much I Love You	By : YoshikiLove Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop > X Japan Views: 1869 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of XJapan. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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I do not own X Japan… Yoshiki, hide, Toshi, Pata, Taiji etc etc. Anyone featured in this… Not owned in any way by me. This is just writing folks, and in no am I claiming to know the rl people's personality… This is not truth… NONE…. Well maybe a few band facts but like… None of the story and… YOU GET IT!
Rated high for future…. stuff
Yes this is a YoshikiXhide fanfiction
DON'T KILL ME!!
~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter One~~~~~~~~~~~~
~FLASHBACK~[YOSHIKI]
He could remember it clearly… about a week ago right? A week… maybe two… time had seemed to drift away from him lately. He remembered how odd it was. The body of a childhood friend thrusting into him. Someone he’d burrowed notes from in high school, sucking greedily at his neck. …. Someone he’d seen grow up…. Someone he’d seen throw a football, swim, laugh, sing, and talk…. His hands had been on his skin, sliding over every forbidden area with relish. Stroking his hard shaft… Tasting…
Maybe he should be feeling emotional. Maybe he should be screaming “I love you” instead of “Fuck me harder”… Why didn’t this feel right? The air was filled with moans, soft gasps from damp parted lips. The sound of skin slapping against skin…. Rustles in the silken sheets…. Why wasn’t this right?
“Y-Yoshiki… I love you”, Toshi whispered in between ragged gasps as he thrust wildly into the other mans hot body. Screaming his joy… So lost in the euphoric pleasure, he didn’t notice that Yoshiki hadn’t said it back.
Why is this feeling so wrong? After the orgasm he’d turned on his side… The arms around him weren’t welcome… The mint smell of Toshi’s breath almost nauseating… This is what he wanted right? Ever since he’d been young… It was always him and Toshi…. No matter what, Toshi came along for the ride… music, personal life… everything… It had always been the two of them
I love him… right? I do… I want this I want it. It’s only right that him and Toshi were partners…in everything… I love him… right? ….. Wrong…. It felt just like all the other mindless sex… It wasn’t special… It was nothing…. And it terrified him. The man he’d wanted to love him his entire life finally did… and the first night in his arms, the sweat hadn’t even cooled and he knew it had all been a lie…
“Yoshiki…. Wait where are you-? Yoshiki!”, Toshi cried out as Yoshiki leapt off the bed. His expression looked almost pained as he watched the love of his life get dressed and just… walk away. Shutting the door of the hotel room behind him with no hesitation… no goodbye…
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~PRESENT~[YOSHIKI]
He’d been running then… Just like he was now.... but now it was hide…. Great. The heavy fall of his boots echoed down the street, water splashing as he walked quickly through dark puddles. It only took a few moments for him to reach his car. The door was yanked open, and the second the music obsessed drama queen had thrown himself inside; it was shut just as quickly.
What was he going to do? Was there anything? His fingers gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white; the slight pain shooting up his hands was only ignored. His hair had been carelessly tied back… It was a pain when he was leaning over a stack of papers and the strands clouded his vision. During that sprint though it had fallen into disarray, and now really had lost its purpose…
Lost in his memories of that night, in the pain splintering through his system with the fear of losing his dream…. He broke… His forehead slowly lowered until it was touching the steering wheel, loud sobs racking his body. How was he going to live through this?
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~THE NEXT MORNING~ [hide]
Ohhh fuck! Another night with just waaaaaaaay too many drinks!!!!! His fucking head was throbbing! It was like being able to feel every single strand on your head… and they all fucking hurt. Actually, come to think of it, his stomach didn't feel so great either. Rock stars weren’t supposed to have hangovers!!! Too bad the laws of nature didn’t really agree with this opinion…
hide flexed his fingers, wiggled his body… It was actually the ritual after a heavy drinking night. See if you broke anything, lost anything, or happen to be bleeding, and then you can get up and be cursed out by whoever had gotten stuck with you that night. Wrist rotation, neck stretch, pat crotch…. YES! All good!
After one last catlike stretch he rolled over… and fell right off the couch. His small body still made a pretty loud sound as he crashed onto the tile. It was a few moments of lying on his back before he opened his eyes and stared blankly at the white washed ceiling… That really… Didn’t help… The fucking migraine… It was a full 5 minutes before he sat up with a groan, glancing around the room
OH MY GOD!!!! YOSHIKI’S SECOND HOME!!!…. Office…
Why the hell was he here!? He looked at the clock, 6:00am … which means… The maid must have woken him up? How cruel… It also meant that the world was probably over because Yoshiki wasn’t in there on the phone, screaming. Hide scrambled halfway across the room before he managed to get onto his feet. He tossed open the door and tore down the hallway full blast, almost knocking over a rather ugly vase (It was sad that he hadn’t hit it).
His heart was pounding hard; beating faster then one of Yoshiki’s drum solos… This was called fear… and only one thing in the entire universe could make him afraid… and that was Yoshiki! Was he hurt!? Or sick!? WHY HADN’T ANYONE WOKEN HIM UP?! (Poor forgotten maid). He dashed past the secretary and barreled into the parking lot before realizing he didn’t have his car… The second realization was that he saw Yoshiki’s!
Realization number three (he probably should stop doing these) was that Yoshiki was in the car. He couldn’t mistake that bleached hair… Nope! Not for a second. He tapped lightly on the window…. Then harder…. Harder…. HARDER!!!! Finally the sleeping man woke up, his movements slow and sleepy as he lifted his face from the steering wheel.
Fuck he was beautiful… His long hair framing his face, mouth slightly open… Those tear stained eyes… WAIT! His breathing stopped a minute while Yoshiki opened the door, stepping out in a slow, but oddly graceful way.
“What with your ey-“, hide was interrupted by Yoshiki’s low silky murmur. He obviously had a husky morning voice. It was sexxxxxxy still! Even after knowing him for all this time.
“I must have fallen asleep… I… Wanted to rest my eyes before driving home”
His answer came too soon. His eyes were puffy and red… a sign of crying, But why!? Why was he crying!?
“Yo-chan! I… I don’t remember anything from last night… If I did anything I'm sorry. “
Yoshiki simply stared at him for a moment. His delicate brows creasing in the middle. He seemed as if he wanted something. It was odd to see Yo-chan so… upset.
“….Nothing? You don’t remember any of it?”
“Noooo!”, he sounded whiney and even he knew it… For a brief moment Yo-chan looked relieved before slipping into… well… Yo-chan!
“It’s nothing… You were drunk, friends dropped you off… You stayed and got drunker and then passed out. I'm a bit in need of rest though obviously, so I’ll be off”
Before he could even comprehend what the bleached brown had said… He was speeding off in his car, leaving a distracted hide with thoughts and questions.
“But why were you crying Yo-chan?… I’d give anything to fix it…”
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~LATER~[hide]
He was staring at a white wall again… except this time it was the wall of HIS home… Which of course meant it was more of an off-white do to smoke damage… Maybe he should paint it? He filed that plan away on his “Never-gonna-do” list and went back to his thoughts. Yo-chan…Yo…Yoshiki! It was actually his main thought pretty often when he wasn’t drowning his obsession in booze…
He thought of Yo-chan while playing, eating, sleeping, masturbating, taking a shower, writing, watching TV… Well… all the time! Except of course when he was having sex with beautiful women!…………… Ok maybe then too…. But today wasn’t as fun as his normal thoughts. Whenever he closed his eyes he just saw the tear stained cheeks, crumpled clothes, and that pained expression…
It made his heart ache
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I Hate How Much I Love You