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My Heart Breaks	By : dieromantic79 Category: Singers/Bands/Musicians > HIM Views: 2186 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of HIM. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Note: all my other stories are under the penname LondonzBurning, but I kinda forgot the username/password for that account =/ but u should check em out.

CH. 1

Bam paced around his room after hanging up with Ryan. Why did he have to bring that up and burst his fucking bubble like that? He ran over the conversation in his head:

[“I just THOUGHT ya know it might be a bad idea to be stuck on a small bus with Ville for so long seein’ as how ya know you used to be in LOVE with him! ”
Bam spluttered, “I-I was NOT in LOVE with him Ryan! It was just a stupid crush!”
Ryan laughed harshly on the other end.
“Yeah fuckin right! You used to call me at all hours of the day AND night whining about how hot he was and how much you wanted to fuck him and-”
“Shut the fuck up Dunn!” Bam growled over the phone. He was just about to hang up when Ryan spoke in a more serious tone.
“But seriously dude you can’t just pack up and flee Missy just cus your marriage is sucking right now. Just try harder, it’ll only piss her off if you leave.”
“I’m not fleeing!” Bam bellowed, probably now red in the face. Only Ryan could rile him up like this.
“Sounds like it.” Replied Ryan calmly.
“Fine! I’ll go ask her now and she won’t even give a shit! You’ll see!”
“Ok. Later dude.”]

Well, that had been a total lie; Bam new that Missy would, indeed, give a shit. So as he pushed around the food on his plate with a fork at dinner, he tried to think of a strategic way to go without starting a fight. Unfortunately after a day and a half of thoughts on the perfect opener, the best he could come up with was “I think I need a vacation.”
Missy glared at him from across the table.
“A vacation from doing nothing?” she asked.
“Er no…more like-”
“Or do you need a vacation from me?”
“You didn’t even let me finish!”
“Where are you going?”
“..to tour with-”
“When’re you leaving? Like tomorrow? God! You need to tell me when-”
“You NEVER let me finish!”
“You just interrupted ME!”
…and so on for about an hour until Bam locked himself in his room, which was actually one of the guest rooms he’d been using as a sanctuary lately. He buried his face in one of the pillows and breathed in slowly, trying to calm down. It smelled like way too much laundry detergent. Bam smiled at the memory of the time he poured a ridiculous amount of laundry soap into the washer. Oh the fight he had with Missy after that…
Bam rolled over on the bed and grabbed his cell, and after three rings a voice answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey Ville? I’m going, is it still ok?”
“Yeah sure!” Ville’s voiced sounded excited, “I’ll tell everyone. But only you ok? There’s only one extra space on the tour bus…”
“I know, I know. No surprise guests.” Bam said with a smile.
“Haha right yeah, we’ll talk about the details later.”
“Bye.”

It was just a crush anyway.

“Just a crush my ASS!” yelled Ryan.
“Ugh seriously Dunn give it a rest! I’m going!” Bam answered over the phone.
“…FINE! But don’t come cryin’ to me at 5am about how your boyfriend doesn’t love you!”
“Ok! OK! Can we seriously talk about something else? I mean I told you I’m over it God!”
“Actually I gotta go but we’ll talk later…I’m not done pestering you about the stupidity of your idea.” And with that Ryan hung up his cell phone, leaving Bam to angrily throw his own cell against the wall.
“BAM! WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!!” came Missy’s voice after a resounding THUNK when the phone made contact with the wall.
“NOTHING!!!” he answered. Still feeling very frustrated with Ryan, Bam trudged into his bathroom and locked the door. He sat down on the cold tile with a huff and pulled out his video ipod, playing his best playlist of angry-as-hell songs.
After about fifteen minutes of killing his ears, Bam scrolled through his extensive video collection, feeling rather bored. He then found something very interesting. Some porn downloaded from the internet that Dico had put on for him a year ago. It was under Sex Pistols to throw off Missy or anyone else that might’ve been looking, but had titles like “Nuns Gone Dirty.” He laughed and watched a couple out of sheer boredom that didn’t really do much for him, but after the third one (some odd Asian girl-on-girl thing) came on, he actually felt his jeans get a little tighter. Bam undid his pants and started to stroke himself slowly, but got frustrated without something to visualize in his mind. After a minute, he turned his ipod back on and against his better judgment, switched it to an entirely different video. To his shame and amazement, his cock sprang to life in his right hand and Bam had to hold back the moan threatening to escape his lips. He was alone in a huge house in a locked bathroom…but still…he decided to take one of the earbuds out of his ear just so he could listen for anyone coming.
He started stroking himself faster and faster, his hips thrusting up to meet his hand as his eyes remained glued to the tiny screen. It was all about keeping the visual…it always made the end so much better…
Bam squirmed on the bathroom floor and a strangled grunt finally managed its way out of him as he worked his throbbing cock. He closed his eyes as he let his thumb play with the head of his dripping member, only to force them back open to continue watching the video. He moaned and grunted again as a particular spot in the video sparked his interest and sent his imagination running wild. He squirmed even worse against the wall he was leaning on and stroked even harder, letting out small moans every time his fist touched the swollen head of his cock. All too soon, he felt the familiar sensation of heat gathering in his lower stomach. Bam tensed his entire body, all the way down to his toes and with one final thrust into his hand came hard all over the bathroom floor. He released a long quiet moan that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in, and slumped onto the part of the floor not covered in cum. Bam dropped his ipod onto the floor, not caring if it landed in a clean spot or not, as the pos-orgasmic bliss settled onto him, relaxing every part of his previously tensed body. As Bam laid down and let the natural high come over him, his video continued to play and just before he closed his eyes, he peaked over at the screen to see Ville singing to him just as the screen went black.

Bam jerked up in horror at what he had just done.
‘No! Nonononono! Not again! I’m not starting this again! I can’t!’ He thought. Bam quickly got up and cleaned himself and the floor up before fleeing to the sanctuary of his room and throwing himself on the bed.
“Fuck.” He mumbled to the detergent-reeking pillow.
Actually looking at pictures and videos of Ville while he jacked off was something he had only done during the deepest stages of his old obsession. A stage of his life he never cared to repeat. And now it seemed he had jumped right back into the middle of it.
“No” he repeated out loud.
It had taken months of self-therapy to get Ville off his mind. He had done everything from getting rid of all the HIM posters in his room to pinching himself on the hand every time his thoughts strayed to Ville. And that had been nearly three years ago. He would not repeat it. He would not repeat the long nights thinking of what it would be like to have him in bed. He would not repeat the damage it had done to his health, his relationships with his friends and family, and his emotions. He would not repeat the tears. He just couldn’t.
Bam rolled onto his back and sighed. He was better now though.
After many talks with Ryan, and many many pinches to his hand, he was fairly certain that he was over the dark haired singer. He even tested his resolve and gotten married…on tv! Ok well that hadn’t been the best idea in the end, but it got his mind off Ville for a long time. And the best part was, Ville never found out! Bam was certain that he would fuck up and call him while he was drunk and spill all of his secrets, but miraculously it never happened. Ryan never told anyone else and neither did Bam, and now he was done with his little “phase” as Ryan had tried calling it. Now he was better. Right? Well, maybe…
Taking a deep breath Bam decided this was a false alarm. No big deal. He hadn’t exactly been getting much sex lately so his body was just a little extra excited for some action. He could still go on the tour, in fact it would be a perfect way to prove to himself that he could be around Ville and be fine. Just fine.

The tour was set to start in two weeks. Just two weeks! And Bam’s problems had steadily grown worse and worse. First, he hadn’t even brought up that he was leaving to Missy again after their first fight, and he was sure she’d forgotten and he’d have to bring it up again. Soon.
Second, his Ville problem had increased tenfold. Elevenfold…a billionfold whatever it was bad! He had allowed himself to get away with touching himself to thoughts, pictures, and videos of the singer a couple more times. Just to get it out of his system ya know? But soon he needed more and more! It was so addicting, and after awhile he couldn’t get off at all without thinking of his beloved Ville! He was getting desperate, he had watched the music videos on his ipod enough to get bored and he wanted something new. Anything would do at this point…interviews on Youtube, taking out his old posters, pictures or quotes in magazines, fanfiction, songs, anything. It was all great material for pleasuring himself and Bam knew that it was sick and wrong and that he was quickly heading down a slippery slope. He needed to cool off or in 14 days he would be screwed. What would happen when he finally got to see Ville after months apart? How do you act cool towards someone you’ve been excessively masturbating to and obsessively thinking about?
So Bam forced himself to stop, which actually worked.
For about 3 days.
He felt embarrassed with himself for not holding out longer, but when he got word online that HIM had just finished their first video for Venus Doom, he had sent an email to Linde practically begging to see it. He instantly regretted not at least reading the email over before pressing send, just to make sure it didn’t sound desperate and creepy and weird. Which it probably did. But Linde must have been busy and not noticed because two days later he got a reply with an attachment that simply said, “here ya go. See you in two weeks.”
The video was for a song called Kiss of Dawn, and after Bam transferred it onto his ipod, he had something to do in the bathroom for about a week. Not good. Fuck.
He was getting nervous now and he had narrowed it down to two options:
A) Don’t go on tour
B) Call Ryan
Dammit…he really didn’t want to call Ryan. Ry would just say he was right all along and tell him not to go and to try and be nice to Missy. Jeez Ryan was starting to sound like a mom. But Bam didn’t trust anyone on the planet like he trusted Ryan, so after a couple rings on his new cell phone (the old one had not survived the encounter with the wall), he knew he was doing the right thing.
“Hey BamBam. Whats up?” Ryan answered. He sounded cheerful and Bam felt kinda sick.
“Oh hey Ry…I just needed to talk to ya real fast…” Bam began.
“Sure, whats up?” he repeated.
Bam sighed. “You know that…thing we’ve been talking about?
“Uhh”
“About…about Ville?”
“Yeah?”
“Well I think…I think I maybe still…have feelings for him…after all.” Said Bam.
A long pause followed this statement.
“Ry? Did you hear me?” Bam asked hesitantly.
“Fuck.” Was the answer that confirmed he did indeed hear.
“Ry, listen I’m-”
“Fuck. I fucking-”
“-Still gonna go.”
“-Knew it.”
“Listen Ryan!”
“I fucking knew it.”

‘God,’ thought Bam, ‘Shoulda gone with A’

“Ryan,” Bam began again, “Please help me. I don’t know what to do…”
“Don’t go you idiot!” Ryan bellowed through the phone.
“But I have to…I have to see him…” Bam voice got smaller as he said this.
“God, Bam…”
“What should I do?”
“What if you only went on half of the tour?”
“Well maybe…”
“Now that I think about it…you probably won’t be around him that much. He’ll mostly be performing and sleeping and stuff. Maybe you can pull it off.”
“Could I…do you think maybe I could call you sometimes…like if I get desperate or…depressed again.”
There was another long pause, until, “Please don’t let yourself get depressed over this again Bam. And yeah you can call me…but for the love of the gods of sleep try to remember the time difference!”
Bam smiled weakly even though Ryan couldn’t see it.
“I will.” he replied. “How is it over in California then?”
“It’s fucking hot. I’ll talk to you later when you’re so overcome with lust its driving you mad.”
“Ok. Talk to ya later Ry.”
“Bye Bam.”

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My Heart Breaks