As I lay dying

†. Title : I will wait for you [as I lay dying - part two]
†. Author : Semichan
†. Genre : Yaoi ,Songfic .
†. Pairing : Kaoru x Toshiya .


†. AN . 11.02.06 : The second part of "As I lay dying" . Lyrics are from "Endlessly she said" by AFI . This one is Kaoru's POV .


~~~~~~~

Walked into our world and made horrible sounds .

I can still hear them today…


I was so happy that night when you left . You said you were happy too . We were both happy . Though we did nothing special .

We talked . For a whole afternoon . I didn't tell you everything , but I thought I would have plenty of time to say it later .


Strangely , they seem beautiful now though they outlast my love .


The second time we decided to spend time together we took an entire day . It was on a Sunday. We went to a park and we sat on a bench . We talked again . And you said it .


- I think I've found someone .

- … oh ?

- Well, I think .

- You think ?

- I'm not too sure .

- Who ?

- That's not important …

- I know … her ?

- Him .

- …"Him" ?

- It's Die .


I got my heart ripped in thousand pieces hearing that . Die . Daisuke . Daisuke Andou . Our guitarist . A bandmate . Why ?

I was a guitarist, and I was one of your bandmates too . So why him ?

I thought I could never ever say what I forgot to tell you before that second date , but I finally did.
You talked about Die the whole day that time . You said he was cold, distant and looking bored . Maybe he was just shy . I don't know . But it was surprising . Die … Cold ? That doesn't fit .


- yeah, I don't understand either ! When we … Since we decided to be together he's … he's not
the same .

- What do you mean ?

- Don't worry . I think he's just a bit perturbed , it will get better quickly .


But you were always thinking . You thought you were with someone ; you thought he was perturbed .
You thought too much .


About eight, we came to mine and you said you didn't wanna go home . I asked you if you were lonely.


- I terribly am .

- But what about him ?


You said it was ok . You said he wouldn't mind . That he won't be waiting for you anyway .

Then you asked if you could stay here for the night . I said I didn't have a spare room . You said you didn't mind .

Still, each time I always meant every word, every one .

I was going to sleep on the couch and offer him my bed for a night . But he refused .


- I don't think I would sleep well knowing you're uncomfortably lying on that small couch …


It really looked like he wanted to sleep with me , but I quickly put that idea to the side . He was with Die. He couldn't want to do something with me .

But, yes, in fact , he wanted to .

He kissed me a few minutes after we went to bed . And of course I kissed back . How could I not ? I wanted it even more than him .

We didn't fuck. We made love . And that's what I didn't get .

I thought Toshiya just needed to feel desired . Needed to have sex . Cause he apparently wasn't getting any with Die . Or if he was it probably wasn't enough to satisfy him . Anyway, I was wrong .

The night we spent together was weird . It seemed like I was the one going out with Totchi . He acted like I was a lover . His lover . But I was just a friend . A bandmate . His guitarist . He never said he was considering me in other ways than these . But he looked so … So serious about it nevertheless . I'd never heard my name so much in a so short time . He'd repeated it almost every time we made a move , every time I stroked him, every time I kissed him. I really felt like we were a couple . And what a perfect couple we were .


I didn't think of Die a single time during that night . There was only Toshiya . And me . I was holding and kissing the man I loved . And we just made love a few minutes before .


- I think I love you .


I actually was sure of it . I just didn't wanna break the whole thing in a second .

But apparently, I didn't have to worry . He just stared a me a little then smiled broadly , and held me tightly for a long time. I heard him sob slightly after a few minutes . I didn't say a thing . I just caressed his back soothingly , holding him as tight as he was holding me .

He fell asleep after an hour or so . He never let go of me .

I , didn't really sleep though . Now he was asleep I couldn't help thinking of Die . I kinda betrayed him . He was my best friend . And I slept with his lover . Though I didn't plan on it .


The following morning I was greeted by the beautiful sight ever . I didn't think he would still be here . I didn't want to wake him but I had to get out of bed , I needed to get up .


- Where are you going ?

- I need to do some business stuff this morning …


"I will wait for you,"

I nodded and I left .

"endlessly"

I was so happy again . In a single week, in two days , all things I had been dreaming of for years became true .

I will wait for you…


~~


I returned to you but found my empty home .

You weren't there anymore . I supposed Die called you during the day . I never knew .

I haven't seen you for a long while . The following weeks you came to practice, you laughed, smiled and talked to everybody . Everybody but me .

I will wait for you…

I waited . Hours . Days . Weeks . Months . You never said a thing to me again . And then … You disappeared . You didn't come to practice anymore . I know Shinya knew something about you . But he would never give up . He didn't tell me . He just said it wasn't any kind of stuff I should worry about . He was always so calm . The band was beginning to shatter and he was damned calm .
Kyo stopped coming to practice and meetings 3 months ago . 4 months after Totchi left us . Shinya and Die were still coming though .

I never dared asking him where Toshiya was . Since Totchi stopped talking to me Die somehow did the same . First he was a bit reserved , and then he suddenly stopped all kind of contact with me .

One day I tried to join him to talk a bit, but he never answered . So I decided to go to his apartment .

I will wait for you .

I didn't knock . I didn't have the time to knock .

I heard you screaming . And I heard him yelling at you . You were crying and moaning .

You will outlast, my love .

I stayed in front of that door until I couldn't hear your voice anymore . Until I heard footsteps coming nearer to me . He didn't open the door , of course , he didn't know I was there .

I ran in the stairs . I cried hard . For hours . I came back to the studio before heading home though . I left a note saying we were disbanding . I didn't add anything . Die would understand why . And Shinya … Well Shinya knew too . And he never told me . I understand why he never did now .

You will outlast …

It's been almost a year I didn't see him .

… My love .

I don't get when I made a mistake . I destroyed my own band . I destroyed his life . And I destroyed mine .

Because of one and only one little mistake .

I fell in love .

I have been waiting for you, biting as you taught me to …


†. End of part #2


(Next part is Shinya)